Episode 4 Sweat the Small Stuff

This programme contains some strong language.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Hello. I am Nick Grimshaw, welcome

to Sweat The Small Stuff. Sweating it tonight, joining Melvin Odoom is

Aisling Bea, a wonderful woman and ex-Coronation Street star who's

sweating because for once she's in public fully clothed, it's Helen

Flanagan. On Rochelle's team is a funny man Rob Beckett, and the

winner of the X Factor, who is sweating because he has had a

massive number two in the singles charts, it's James Arthur everybody!

Let's go Sweat The Small Stuff. Hello everyone. This is the panel

show all about those little annoyances in life because life s

little annoyances are worth worrying about. This week I am sweating over

celebrities' fashions faux pas. Lady Gaga was wearing a fake moustache.

Look at this. That's stupid now She's having a laugh. She wanted to

make an impression, it's like an impression of who? MrMonopoly! Can't

tell them apart. Let's find out how our captains are. Rochelle, you

tweeted a picture of yourself this week with Melvin and Marvin from

love. My husband and my TV husband. Firstly, why am I not your TV

husband? Well, you weren't in the picture. It was just a good caption

to be honest. No offence! Secondly, either look happy about having that

husband hashtag that you went for. They're both like... Marvin looks

the most pissed off. I am really attached to this bitch! I want to

say thank you by the way. You are welcome. Don't touch me, Melvin

Melvin, you are 3-0 down in this series. How do you feel about that?

Tonight do you think you might get a win under your belt? I hope so.

First of all, this is exciting, James Arthur is here everybody! I

think the most hysterical audience that we have had for a guest ever.

Really? I am serious. Imdemonstrate. James Arthur.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING James, did you sweat about not

getting to number one or are you happy with number two? I didn't mean

that! I didn't mean number two like that. I was very happy, actually.

This is the James Arthur single here. The song that went to number

one I also have here. It was by a lady called Lorde. That's really

good. Taking on Lorde is not easy. I liked it so much I got loads. I got

one, two, three... LAUGHTER

Nine, ten. I got loads basically. Rochelle, would you like one? It's

really good. James, pass that Rochelle, would you like one? It's

Rochelle. No! There you go, James. APPLAUSE

I like a bit of destruction. We can break a CD! Yeah, you have to break

it. Go lock you, Lorde. Not Jesus Christ if you are watching. Yeah!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Helen, welcome to the show. Hello.

Thank you for coming on the television programme. I imagine you

are bored of being on the telly you view up on Coronation Street. Yes.

There's you. Oh my God! When you left Corry you went to the real

world and broke out of Weatherfield and went straight to the jungle

Yes. I saw you got an amazing tan in the jungle. I am so pale. What was

this? A spray tan. I couldn't have my... Done by one of the animals

there?! James, you told our researcher that Helen Flanagan is

your dream woman, didn't you? That researcher told me she wasn't going

to say anything. James, I am so flattered, genuinely. Thank you very

much. Oh! Do you want to chat her up now or is this too awkward? I am

definitely plugging for the number afterwards. Let's play Quiff of

Grimmy. It's about something that Rochelle off the telly has been

sweating about recently. I have heard that 37% of men masturbate at

work. Not me, Rochelle, I don't do it at work. James? Do I... Ever done

it at work? No, not in my new job anyway.

it at work? No, not in my new job to go to the toilet and do it

it at work? No, not in my new job sometimes. We have done research, I

thout we would -- thought we would find out how common it was. I can't

believe we even did this. We rounded up people on the street, real

people, and we genuinely asked them have you ever masturbated at work?

We will see them swear on this. Yeah, pretty good! Oh!

It's the Quiff of Grimmy. It's Bonn Fire Night. We got the public to

swear on the Quiff of Grimmy they would tell the truth. All you have

to do is decide if they look like the sort of person that masturbates

at work. You get to go first. I swear that I will tell the whole

truth. Have you ever masturbated at work? It's the look away. Held isn't

saying yes. He has the shifty eyes, if they go like that... It means

something is afoot. There's definitely a look of, how am I going

to explain this to my mum? We are going to say yes. At work, no but

let's say sometimes you do get erect at work but not masturbate. He gets

erect at work. Where does he work, Spearmint Rhino? Rochelle, it's your

turn. The next person, please I am Katie and I swear on the Quiff of

Grimmy to tell the whole truth. Have you ever masturbated at work? James,

what do you think? I don't think there's any doubt that she doesn't

bank at work. Girls that have fringes like that normally bank

bank at work. Girls that have work. Do you want to go yes? We are

going to go yes. On fringe alone. Yes. Um... I have a long distance

boyfriend. I hate her hiding her fringe then, as well. She was like,

it's the fringe that gave it away. Melvin's team one for you guys. I

swear to tell the truth. Have you ever masturbated at work? ASAP Del

Boy is his real name. He looks very shocked. I have never seen a more

shocked expression. I don't think he would do. I don't think he would,

no. They're saying no. Unfortunately, yes. Reasons being

the boss was... His boss was stressing him. All right. Rochelle's

team, next one is for you. Hi, I swear to tell the whole truth on the

Quiff of Grimmy. Have you ever masturbated at work? Not with them

nails, surely. What do we think I think she could have. What do you

think? I think she's like oh, no, that's so dread. She's not going to

admit it. I think she's going to deny it. We will go for no then No!

Yes, I have. It was a dare and there was a really hot guy so I went to

the bathroom was a really hot guy so I went to

just played around a was a really hot guy so I went to

We didn't need details! Melvin's team, next one is for you guys. Hi,

I swear by the Quiff of Grimmy to tell the whole truth. Have you ever

masturbated at work? He looks disgusted by the question, I think.

I don't think he looks like he has ever done it. Is that Screech from

Saved by The Bell? What are we saying I think no. He might... You

are saying yes. He is probably from a religious cult or something.

They're saying no because he might be from a cult. No, not at work I

work in a kids' play centre so that would be awkward, yeah, I know.

APPLAUSE Probably best not to. At last

someone with a moral code! People of Great Britain, thank you for playing

Quiff of Grimmy. Bye, quiff! APPLAUSE

Right, it's now time for Grimmy Investigates. The way this works is

that every week I ask the listens of Radio 1 and followers of Sweat The

Small Stuff on Twitter what their biggest sweats are concerning a

topic. I pick one and attempt to investigate it for them. Once again,

I think this deserves a detective series with an opening title

sequence, don't you, Melvin? Yes. Last week I was Magnum PI. My mum

said that's the only thing that s ever made her laugh on the show

Thank you, mum. This week it's popular show Diagnosis Murder. Just

locking Google it, man! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

James Arthur is on the show this week, we thought we would speak

about TV talent shows. The sweat I have chosen to investigate is from

Maia in Cornwall. She texted: Not pulling any punches are we?

James Arthur? Who are your top six favourite people on X Factor this

year? Um... I like um... I do like the three girls. They left last

week. A big fan of the show! What about the rest of the panelists

what do you think about the talent on talent shows, Helen Flanagan

Um... Sorry... I am trying to think. I always think like that! No talent

on TV, look at this! Maia because she thinks there's no talent any

more I am going to investigate if any of tonight's panelists have

hidden talents that are worthy of being televised. I asked each to

tell me their secret talent and the other teams have to match the talent

to the panelist. Right, Rochelle's team, the three hidden talents

belonging to Melvin's team are as follows: One is very good and very

fast at chopping celery. One of them can MC over an old school garage

beat. And finally, one can recite pi to 15

decimal places. Which goes with which panelist? If the celery thing

is Helen, she's perfect. You love a woman that can dice celery, James

Arthur? I think the celery might be Helen. You have your dream woman.

James, you might not be able to handle this. Do you think this is

Helen's? Helen is sort of a speed chopper? OK. Who can MC over an old

school garage beat? Melvin definitely can but don't know if

it's a bit obvious. You think Melvin can recite pi to 15 decimal places?

He might get confused and go steak and kid me, beef... You think

Melvin? Should we not be stereotypical and give him the pi,

whatever it is. Melvin you think can recite pi to 15 decimal places? You

think Aisling can MC over an old school garage beat? You could be

right. Good luck everybody! OK. Aisling, please reveal to everybody

here your hidden talent. Fingers crossed for garage. In west

Philadelphia... No, I chop celery really fast. I do, yeah. Let's find

out the speed at which you chop James, stop looking at me with that

look! Your dream woman. Chill out, James off the X Factor. Let's see

how fast you can chop celery and whether it's worthy for a point for

your team. You don't want the ends in but don't waste them. I would use

decorations for children maybe for stamping. There you go, Helen.

APPLAUSE There we are. James, are you into

that, James? I can do There we are. James, are you into

James! # You are nobody until somebody loves you... Do you want to

see Helen do it? James just wants to see... Why don't we do role play.

You have just come home from work and say what's for dinner? Hi,

darling, did you have a good day I did. I am making your dinner, I am

making celery soup. Wow. You are really chopping there. Yeah. I mean,

it's quite difficult, but I am making an effort. I do like the fact

that you are trying really hard I am, I am making the effort. This is

weird. I know! I am a bit embarrassed now. This is like the

beginning of a bad porno. Melvin, could you please reveal your hidden

talent? Melvin, if you would like to perform for us. Let's see if we can

get a point for the team. One, two! Yo, listen, when I say sweat, you

say the school stuff. Sweat. The small stuff! Here's my taste, the

show is... What's going on with this? It's not Jools Holland!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Melvin, I am going to give you a

point for your team, but also a record deal! That was incredible.

All this means is that Helen Flanagan can recite pi to 15 decimal

places. Yeah. Go on, Flanagan can recite pi to 15 decimal

OK. With Will the computer put pi to 15 decimal places in the screen

Helen, do not look around. Helen Flanagan, in your own time, please

recite pi. It is 3.141592653589 93. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# You're simply the best # Better than all the rest.

I love you Helen Flanagan! Ladies and gentlemen, the very intelligent

Helen Flanagan! So Maia I have completed my investigation and you

are discovered you are probably right. There really is no talent on

TV any more, apart from the fact that Helen Flanagan can recite pi to

15 decimal places! Thank you for playing Grimmy Investigates

everybody. It's time now for Rochelle and

Melvin: The Challenges. Each week I challenge our team Captains to take

a small sweat out to the streets and into the faces of of the public

This week it's about disgusting bodily behaviour in public. When

people think it's OK to cough and sneeze all over you and it's

horrible and they should stop it now. What do you think is the most

disgusting bodily thing people do in public? I will start this, I hate a

burp. The burp is my most offensive thing. What's worse is a... I

thought I would send you out to thing. What's worse is a... I

out what would happen if they became those horrible people doing those

horrible things. They should only ever be done in the privacy of their

bathrooms. Let's find out who won. You might be winning now, Rochelle,

but I am going to turn you into a loser. You will be crying like a

little baby in a cot. I am losing and Melvin is beating me! I will

crush her. When it comes to personal hygiene, I am the don. I don't know

what that means, but it's important. I don't want to smell him at all, as

soon as he breathes, it's death breath. Task number one. You are

full of a snotty cold, sneeze loudly next to a member of the public and

get them to give you a tissue. Fair enough. Can someone help me out

please? LAUGHTER

Excuse me, do you have a tissue No, sorry. I have this weird flu since I

got bitten by a monkey at the zoo the other day.

Over the top personal grooming in public. Get a member of the public

to hold up a mirror so that you can pluck a nose hair. Get a member of

the public to inspect your ear wax. Excuse me, could you do me a favour,

could you hold that Excuse me, could you do me a favour,

pluck this nose hair? Is that a normal colour

Does it look all right? Does yours look that colour? Thank you very

much. I usually get the kids to do it, but I can't see them any more.

Task number three. You are paranoid about your odour. Get a member of

public to smell your bad breath and check your pits don't stink. I don't

think I can do this one. Do I have to do it? Excuse me. Can I ask you a

favour? I am a bit embarrassed to ask, but I am going on a date, I am

a bit para-Moyed that -- paranoid that I smell. I have an interview

and I am a bit paranoid about my breath. If you could check my breath

so that I am cool for the interview later on. Do you want some... What's

that? Chewing gum. Thank you so much. That doesn't smell. Thank you

very much. What about... Can you check that? You will be all right,

mate. What about my armpits? You will be all right. High-five to

that. Pound it! Thank you. You have really helped me out. It's OK. Wish

me luck. Thanks. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And that was a draw. A point to both teams. Melvin, you were

And that was a draw. A point to both there. You picked the biggest guy in

the shopping centre. He was so hench! Let's move on to the next

round. Time for the Sweat Box and you get to help members of this very

audience. They will tell you what they've been sweating about recently

and you must do your best to help them out with advice. Which ever

team they decide has given the most help will get the point. Who is

first in the Sweat Box tonight? Hello. I am Sara. Hi, Sara. Hello.

What's your problem? What's making you sweat? My problem is when I go

to a nightclub I get loads of boys trying to buy me drinks. Nightmare,

I get that! I cave in and let them buy me one and they follow me around

the whole night. I don't know how to get rid of them. What can I do to

make them leave? Melvin, you are normally that guy. So, how could she

put men like you off? You need to blank him and pretend you have a

twin centre, that's what happens -- a twin sister. That's what happens

to me. Do you think it might be time to stop being such a big perv? It's

what makes you, you. You could also, if you think of something horrible,

just start vomiting a little bit out of your mouth. And go, oh, my God,

where are you from originally? And then see. If they still stay you

have found yourself a husband. Great advice. Thank you. Any advice on

this side? What could Sara do? You could come across as a massive

handful. Really put him off... That's a good thing. Shut up! I like

a massive handful. If you start crying and be like, you have got the

wrong one! And drop it on the floor and storm off, he will be like,

nutcase. Your options are, be completely crazy or vomit

nutcase. Your options are, be yourself. I think I will have to go

for Rochelle. Rochelle's team. APPLAUSE

Who is next in the Sweat Box? I am ASAP Del Boy! . Yeah!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING I love you. ASAP! ASAP! Yeah! What's

your sweat? Basically I am addicted to wearing tracksuits. Tell it like

it is. I wear them every time. I am like a black chav. Unfortunately,

when I go for job interviews I am in my tracksuit. When I am with my

missus I am usually in a tracksuit, when I go clubbing they don't aallow

me in. I need a solution from you guys. It stops you getting work

Yeah. I think it might be the name you have given yourself on your CV.

People are like OK, Barbara. Let's look at her. Yeah, Kevin. ASAP Del

Boy. Bin. Couldn't you just be a PE teacher? Now you don't know until

they go up and touch you, that it's not a Tuxedo. It's true. That's

classy. Whose advice will you go for, become a PE teacher, or... What

did you call it the track-edo? It's really cool. I will go for Melvin's

team. Thank you Sweat Box-ers! So, that is it. I can reveal tonight's

winners are: Melvin's team! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

winners are: Melvin's team! Finally, Melvin, you win. A big

thank you to Rochelle, Rob and James, Melvin, Aisling and Helen.

This has been Sweat The Small Stuff. I have been Nick Grimshaw. You have

all been beautiful. Good night.