Episode 5 Sweat the Small Stuff

This programme contains some strong language.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Hello. I am Nick Grimshaw. Welcome

to Sweat The Small Stuff. Yeah! Joining Melvin Odoom's team this

week is a comedian, James Acaster and the girl who's sweating because

she's in the sure whether to use her English or American accent, it's

Kelly Osbourne. On Rochelle Humes's team a comedian and star of Hebburn,

Chris Ramsay and the Countdown star sweating because she's never seen so

many under-65s in the audience before, it's Rachel Riley! Let's go

and Sweat The Small Stuff. Come on! Hello everyone. This is the panel

show all about those little annoyances in life because life s

little annoyances are really are worth bothering about. Like this

week I have been sweating about those men who leave wives for

younger models. Did you see Ashton Kutcher's and Demi Moore's divorce

come through, it's paved the way to marry Mila Kunis. It's weird how

much she looks like Demi. She's not so much Demi Moore, she's Demi less,

Demi less wrinkles, less kids, less Bruce Willis, Demi less surgery and

Demi less about 20 years. Let's start off by finding out how our

team captains are. Before I forget, I have got you this. I have a

tenner, is that all right? What I thought you were doing Movember I

am sorry. That's really embarrassing. You are not doing

Movember? LAUGHTER

Melvin Odoom, how are you? Very well. I forgot to mention last week

you left your shoes in my dressing room. I have them here.

APPLAUSE Have hub a nice week, you like to

use the dating website things? Tinder? You are not on? I was for a

little bit. I love that, I was just looking! Hi, Kelly Osbourne. Hi

It's amazing to have you on the show. Thank you What's the best

thing about coming home? Just being home. I mean, this sounds crazy and

it's a bit of a weird analogy, in America everything as you know is

very, very, like you buy tampons, and they're like have a nice day and

you are like no, I am not going to have a locking nice day with this!

Here! You come home and I will be walking down the street in London

and someone will go look at that purple head twit, at least they re

telling me the truth. I get a guest on and say what's been annoying you?

I think I found my inner peace. Really, let's start with Lady Gaga.

I am only joking. How about we don't. I have already got in enough

locking trouble with that! Now the reason Twitter was really good is

because when she was like, I am sorry, here is a cake, you used the

best hashtag that's ever been used in the history of the internet.

Kelly replied to the picture of the cake with the hashtag:

APPLAUSE Can we move on, please? Yes, can we

move on? Rachel Riley off Countdown and Strictly Come Dancing is here,

everybody. How are you feeling post-Strictly? I feel like I have

come out of a cave and not know what's going on. You improved

Saturday night television for millions of dads. That might have

been your downfall. Mums were like, I am not voting for that skinny

bitch, I am voting for Ben Cohen! That's who mums want. I will make

the lasagne tonight! Who is that man? Ben Cohen. Who is that man A

World Cup winner. He won the World Cup? Yes. Terrifying. Can I ask you

a maths question? You can ask it. OK, what's the bigger number? Ten

million or the combined age of Countdown's studio audience? Well,

sometimes the audience isn't that full. I am going to go with ten

million. They all come in coach loads. They come on a coach? Is it

like stray dogs, a man around town with a coach and sees an old lady,

and all of a sudden she's like why am I on Countdown? It's time for

Quiff of Grimmy. This week it's about something which Melvin has

been sweating about recently. What is that thing? This week I am

sweating whether women fake orgasms. Oh my dwod! God! I can't imagine

it's ever happened to me because I put it down in the bedroom. Let me

tell you right now you are deluded. It's like hurry up, get the fuck off

me! APPLAUSE

That's horrible. Doesn't make any sense. Sex is supposed to be a

beautiful thing that brings two people together and their souls

unite. Quite frankly, Kelly, saying get off me is appalling behaviour.

You do the oh, great, I am done Next time they'll definitely do it

well because they think they're so brilliant the first time. When was

the last time you got a shag then? That is irrelevant!

APPLAUSE We are going to find out how common

it was, we put it to the test and rounded up people on the streets and

genuinely asked them, hey, sorry to interrupt, but have you ever faked

an orgasm? We will see the person swear on this!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING The Quiff of Grimmy! Rochelle, this

is for you and you and you. Hi. We swear on the Quiff of Grimmy to tell

the truth. Have you ever faked an orgasm? If they're together shit

just got really awkward. His hair is incredible, it's like he combed it

up from his back. Shall we go yes? Yes and yes? No. Um... I don't think

so. Can men fake orgasms? Yeah. Oh, no, you can't. It's got to come out.

You didn't answer properly. I said no. Better be no. It better be no,

all right! Melvin's team, here is one for you guys. Hi, I am Maisie. I

swear on the Quiff of Grimmy to tell the whole truth. Have you ever faked

an orgasm? What do we think? This where it falls down. We are asking

her have you ever been dishonest, why is she going to tell the truth

now? That's amazing. If she will fake an orgasm, sorry, but the Quiff

of Grimmy is nothing. People treat this like a Bible. Every man should

go in the bedroom with Quiff of Grimmy and do this. Does she fake

them? I think she's going to say yes. Yes. A lot. I love her! She

looks like a little guilty for doing it. It's like it's not your fault.

She's like, I do. Blame the men Rochelle's team, this one's for you.

We swear on the Quiff of Grimmy to tell the truth. Have you ever faked

an orgasm? Oh my God, they look devastated that La Senza is boarded

up! What do we think of their faces, fakers or not? I don't know, they

seem extremely nervous. I reckon they're going to go with whatever is

the least embarrassing answer. Do you think she has and he hasn't He

is going to say yes and she's going to say no. No. Yes. With him? No.

Look at her response. Look, she s denied the fact she's faked an

orgasm with her boyfriend. With him? No. Thank you the people of Great

Britain for playing Quiff of Grimmy. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

OK. It's time for Grimmy Veryings. -- investigates. Every week I ask

the listeners of Radio 1 and followers of Sweat The Small Stuff

what are their biggest sweats concerning a topic. I will attempt

to investigate for them, like an investigator. Once again, I think

this deserves a detective series opening titles sequence. Last week I

dressed up as that bloke from Diagnosis Murder. Here he is.

But this week it's Shaft. Now I know what you are thinking. Surely

Grimmy's not sexy enough to become one of television's greatest

lothario decks. -- detectives. Well, no, I am probably not. I am in the

black either. -- I am not black either. Melvin's done this one!

Yes! As Kelly is on the show this week

the chosen sweat topic was, what is the most annoying thing about

parents? Thanks! You are welcome. Now the majority of texts and tweets

were people telling stories in which their parents have embarrassed them

in some way. One text said, once went to a gig with my dad who

proceeded to shout at the DJ on stage to get off as he was rubbish

when the crowd went quiet. That s mortifying. Was it your gig? Yes! So

because of the embarrassing parents stories I have decided to

investigate into whether or not celebrities have embarrassing

parents, too. We are going to play a game called You're not my parents, I

hate you! Melvin's team, the following stories are genuine

stories in which one of Rochelle's team have been embarrassed by their

parents. But which unof them had to stop going to their family and

friends New Year's Eve party because their dad insists on doing a

impression of Tommy Cooper? Which one of their dads on holiday

performed a sexy striptease in front of a crowd of people to I'm Too

Sexy, leaving the panellist mortified. And, which one of their

mothers went missing at a kids' birthday party when they wanted to

cut the cake only to be found being sick in a bush after getting on the

lambrinis? I think the Tommy Cooper has to be... I think it's Rachel. I

think the lambrini is Rachel. The Tommy Cooper is going to be Chris's

dad. You are saying Tommy Cooper impression belongs to Chris's

father? Whose dad performed a sexy striptease leaving that child

mortified? Rachel. Rachel's dad you are saying. And whose mum got so

pissed at a party they threw up in a bush? That's your answers. Locked

in. That one's right, like mother, like daughter! Let's find out if you

are right. You will win a point for your team for each one you get

correct. Rachel, which story relates to you? My dad did a sexy

striptease. Yes! Here he is tonight... Not really. Rochelle

which story relates to you? You were right. Like mother, like daughter.

Which means, Chris, that Fez relates to you in which way It was really, I

don't know, he is a funny guy. That's not him, that's the actual

Tommy Cooper. He does it every year. The first year it happened and I was

like, that's the worst thing ever. It's so fucking horrible. Let's find

out how embarrassing an impression it really is. Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Chris's dad to the stage! Only joking Fuck off!

APPLAUSE Chris Ramsay, that's your dad. Thank

you very much, thank you skrech Very much!

APPLAUSE Yeah! Ladies and gentlemen, MrBill

Ramsay, AKA Tommy Cooper, live on the London stage.

APPLAUSE Well done team. People of Great

Britain, I have completed my investigation. And discovered that

all parents are embarrassing. Thank you for playing Grimmy Investigates.

APPLAUSE OK. It's now time for Rochelle and

Melvin: The Challenges. I challenge our captains to take a small sweat

out into the streets and the public's faces. This week it's those

people you meet that are never happy of photos that are taken of them and

always searching for the perfect photo and it's never going to happen

because they look like butternut squashes. Kelly, there's loads of

photos taken of you. You are on the telly in America and here. Are you

worried there might be a bad photo of you taken? What about this one?

APPLAUSE Let me just explain... No, no! The

picture speaks 1,000 words. No, no! I hate you. I sent Rochelle and

Melvin out to find out what would happen if they became those annoying

people who are never happy with a photo you take of them in Rochelle

and Melvin: The Challenges. Once I am done with Rochelle she's

going to want to go back to her Saturday job. You get me? Because

she's in The Saturdays. Not worried at all. He is tiny. She's in The

Saturdays, right? Good, then that joke works. You are never happy with

your photograph, get the same person to retake your photo... As many

times as you can. Come on then. Excuse me. Do you mind taking some

pictures of me in the background? Sorry, can you take a picture for

me? Can I do it from a different angle,

please? That's my bad side. From this angle a bit, from here, yeah.

Have a look. Do a couple more, do you mind? Do one more. I look a bit

short. I will stand up. Take one more. OK. All right. Thank you.

Task two is, you feel a bit of a loner in all these pictures, get a

photo with somebody else's boyfriend. Get a photo of someone

else's girlfriend. Is that your boyfriend? Yeah. Do you mind if I

take a picture with him? Can I ask you a weird question, I told my mum

I am on holiday with my girlfriend and I don't want to lie, can I take

a picture of your girlfriend? I am doing this project at university of

getting pictures of sexy guys and getting as many as I can. She's

laughing! Go ahead. Is that OK? Thank you so much. Give him a kiss

on the cheek. No! Get so upset by your picture... A

member of the public has to console you. OK. For a bonus point get them

to say you look like Kanye West Get them to say that you look like

Rochelle from The Saturdays. Thank you. Do you mind taking a photo for

me? Not at all. LAUGHTER

I am sorry. I look awful. I look really bad, sorry. Do you have a

tissue or anything? All right, thank you very much. Take care. I am

sorry, I am so emotional. Can I get a hug? Sorry. Everyone always says I

look like that girl from the girl band. Rochelle from The Saturdays.

Everyone always says it to me. You are actually her, though?

APPLAUSE APPLAUSE.

The winner, you get a point for your team!

James, why have you been sweating about people who don't play board

games properly? That's amazing. That's such a James Acaster sweat.

Next week it's people who don't put card abegans on correctly --

cardigans on correctly. Which is everybody. What is it about board

games? People need to respect the rules, dprimy. -- Grimmy. I was

around a lady's house, we were flirting with each other. I just

love James. Top shelf, Twister was on there. I am good at Twister, I

wanted to show off. How about we play one on one, if you want to get

fresh with someone but you are not getting fresh with them, because

they're opposite ends of the spectrum, it's like bang on in the

middle. It's intimate, yet formal. Your hand's under her bum but you

are following orders. It landed on feet for half an hour. Just walking

around a Twist mat really boring. She was just like, tell you what,

let's get rid of the spinner, we will make it up as we go along. Oh,

yeah! I was like, no. Spinner is there to help regulate the speed of

the flirting. Some rules are there to protect us, helps keep the

innocence of the game alive. If you are playing with the spinner, yeah,

say you got right foot green. Left foot is opposite green. That's like,

all the other greens are between your feet, like. The Green Zone

They spin and they get right hand green, they put their hand in

between your legs, right. Then you can both be like...

LAUGHTER Oh, oh, fancy that. Get rid of the

spinner, it's just you going, put your hand there! I refused. Dream on

I am playing that version of the game. Stopped playing, packed it up.

Make sure spots are facing back into the box. Went Home. The next round,

it's time for the Sweat Box where you get to help actual members of

this actual audience. They will tell you what they've been sweating about

recently and you must do your best to help them out with advice. Which

ever team they decide has given them the most help will get the point.

OK? Let's do this. Who is first in the Sweat Box tonight? Hi, I am

Bethany. Hi, Bethany! Basically a few months ago I joined a dating app

on my phone to get used to the first date scenario. Yeah. I started

talking to this guy, really nice. He asked for my mum. We were -- for my

number. We were texting. He asked me out for a drink.

LAUGHTER Carry on, Bethany! I bought a new

dress, new shoes. Here we go, first date. Then towards the date he just

went cold on me. I didn't hear from him. The date never happened. A bit

awkward, but that Guy's Melvin. Oh, Melvin! You little shit. Did you

have dark hair before? Yeah, I dyed it. I came off that application ..

He is not to blame. She's a nutter! I think that Bethany, I think that

you deserve the date. I do too. What about if you and Melvin have a date

right now? Melvin, you follow me. You sit here. Nasty Melvin, you can

sit here, asshole! Bought new shoes for you. I am cringing for you! This

is so awkward. 500 people here and cameras on you. We will see how this

pans out. Get on with it. You look lovely. Melvin, why didn't you call

me? Yeah, Mel. I had to babysit for Rochelle. I would never leave you

with my children. Shut up, you are not even here! Shall we leave them

here? Me and James can be team Captain. There's going to be changes

around here! Who's next, please Hi, I am Pamela. My sweat is the

invasion of my personal spacial in the gym. -- space in the gym. I will

be having a run, minding my own business. Someone always stands on

the machine next to me. Start looking at my screen, ramping up the

pace. The next thing I know I am in this complete standoff and it's war.

I need to know what to do. I have to say I completely agree with you I

have this all the time. But then I switched it in my brain, let's turn

this into a positive, because if he was not next to me, I wouldn't beat

him and match him. Turn it into a positive, that's good. Maybe do

trash talk, as well. Stop pretending like you are not involved. Turn to

them and go, you started something you can't finish. Melvin, why are

you looking over here? You are meant to be on a date with Bethany. I

think Pamela is quite nice actually. I have good advice here. It is that

I think you should just take two unfit people with you and stick them

either side, you look like the winner. Grimmy and Melvin are free

tomorrow. Whose advice are you going to go for? Rochelle's team or

apparently now James's team? I am going to go for Rochelle. Thanks,

Pamela. Can we have Bethany back in the Sweat Box now? Melvin, you can

go back over there now. I am comfortable. No, get back over

there. Five minutes, the police weren't involved. Welcome to the

team, Melvin. What's your advice to Bethany here who has been through

what she's been through? She should bill him for the new dress and

shoes. I will get you that money. James, any advice for poor Bethany

who had to interact with Melvin in her own free time? Now you have had

the date you know what you may or may not have missed out on. So, you

can move on. Whose advice are you going for? I am going to have to go

for this team. Team Rochelle, of course. Thank you. That's the end of

the Sweat Box. APPLAUSE

OK. At the end of the show, when I watched the show back I thought we

would make it tense. Make it tension everybody. -- make it tense

everybody! That's so tense! Ladies and gentlemen, I can reveal

that the winners of tonight's very tense show are...

I can't believe this, it's so tense. LAUGHTER

OK. The winners are... It's Melvin's team! Thank you so Rochelle, to

Chris and Rachel, Melvin, James and Kelly. This has been Sweat The Small

Stuff. I have been Nick Grimshaw. You have been beautiful. Good night

everybody.