Telecommunications Services for the 1990s The Archiveologists

This programme contains strong language

This programme contains adult humour

What would we do without the telephone?

Someone's pissed in here.

Who is this?

Where's your head and feet gone?

None of your business.

What are you wearing?

But supposing the telephone could supply vision as well as sound,

then he could see her.

Now, wouldn't that be better?

But whether we should want vision or not,

what kind of facilities can we expect

in the next generation of telephone?

World communication, of course.

Hello, Bill. This is Henry.

-IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:

-Who the fuck is Henry and how did you get this number?

Henry, I'm calling from London.

Oh, God, it's that prick Henry.

What the fuck do you want, you weird pom?

Well, it's a dark, wet morning here.

I suppose you've been basking in the sun all day.

Well, let's have a look at you, Bill.

You don't take the hint, do you, mate?

Jeez, you're a pain in the arse.

How's Betty, Bill?

She's right here now.

Betty, come and call Henry a prick.

Hello, Henry, you daft old prick.

But we can do so much more than that.

Let's take a look at the subscriber terminal unit,

or Anus, as she likes to call it for short.

To make a call, we take our service card.

The code will be scanned electronically.

This service even comes with modifiable hold music.

RECORD SCRATCHES

# Fuck the police Comin' straight from the underground

# A young nigga got it bad cos I'm brown

# And not the other colour so police think

# They have the authority to kill a minority

# Fuck that... #

Mr Harbottle, please.

Let me put you on hold.

RECORD SCRATCHES

# Fuck the police Comin' straight from the underground

# A young...

I'm putting you through to Mr Harbottle. Do you want vision?

Yes, please.

Let me put you on hold again.

RECORD SCRATCHES # Fuck the police... #

Good morning, Miss Johnson. My word, you're a sight for eyes.

Why don't you come to my house,

and I'll get you arseholed on brandy?

Here's a map of my street.

You've got no excuse now.

ELECTRONIC SCREECHING

And there's a special panel to block out perverts.

Another facility is the auto-answer,

a tape system answering incoming calls.

-MAN IN WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:

-All right, mate, just to let you know, I've bought a gritter,

so if you need anything gritting, just let me know. OK, bye!

Or she takes with her the paging device,

which can call her anywhere in the building.

PAGER BEEPS

# What the fuck you got to say? #

RECORD SCRATCHES # Fuck the police

# Comin' straight from the underground... #

Other services are available through the exchange processor.

You'll be able to view a picture of

a squirrel wearing a Casio wristwatch.

MACHINE BEEPS

Given all these facilities,

the businessman will scarcely need his office at all.

He can do all his work in the comfort of his own home.

Unfortunately for this man, his children are difficult to love.