Telecommunications Services for the 1990s The Archiveologists


Telecommunications Services for the 1990s

Comedians Diane Morgan and Joe Wilkinson parody archive from 1960s about what telecommunications in 1990s might be like.


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Transcript


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This programme contains strong language

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This programme contains adult humour

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What would we do without the telephone?

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Someone's pissed in here.

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Who is this?

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Where's your head and feet gone?

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None of your business.

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What are you wearing?

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But supposing the telephone could supply vision as well as sound,

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then he could see her.

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Now, wouldn't that be better?

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But whether we should want vision or not,

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what kind of facilities can we expect

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in the next generation of telephone?

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World communication, of course.

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Hello, Bill. This is Henry.

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-IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:

-Who the fuck is Henry and how did you get this number?

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Henry, I'm calling from London.

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Oh, God, it's that prick Henry.

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What the fuck do you want, you weird pom?

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Well, it's a dark, wet morning here.

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I suppose you've been basking in the sun all day.

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Well, let's have a look at you, Bill.

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You don't take the hint, do you, mate?

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Jeez, you're a pain in the arse.

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How's Betty, Bill?

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She's right here now.

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Betty, come and call Henry a prick.

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Hello, Henry, you daft old prick.

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But we can do so much more than that.

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Let's take a look at the subscriber terminal unit,

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or Anus, as she likes to call it for short.

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To make a call, we take our service card.

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The code will be scanned electronically.

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This service even comes with modifiable hold music.

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RECORD SCRATCHES

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# Fuck the police Comin' straight from the underground

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# A young nigga got it bad cos I'm brown

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# And not the other colour so police think

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# They have the authority to kill a minority

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# Fuck that... #

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Mr Harbottle, please.

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Let me put you on hold.

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RECORD SCRATCHES

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# Fuck the police Comin' straight from the underground

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# A young...

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I'm putting you through to Mr Harbottle. Do you want vision?

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Yes, please.

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Let me put you on hold again.

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RECORD SCRATCHES # Fuck the police... #

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Good morning, Miss Johnson. My word, you're a sight for eyes.

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Why don't you come to my house,

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and I'll get you arseholed on brandy?

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Here's a map of my street.

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You've got no excuse now.

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ELECTRONIC SCREECHING

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And there's a special panel to block out perverts.

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Another facility is the auto-answer,

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a tape system answering incoming calls.

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-MAN IN WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:

-All right, mate, just to let you know, I've bought a gritter,

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so if you need anything gritting, just let me know. OK, bye!

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Or she takes with her the paging device,

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which can call her anywhere in the building.

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PAGER BEEPS

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# What the fuck you got to say? #

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RECORD SCRATCHES # Fuck the police

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# Comin' straight from the underground... #

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Other services are available through the exchange processor.

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You'll be able to view a picture of

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a squirrel wearing a Casio wristwatch.

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MACHINE BEEPS

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Given all these facilities,

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the businessman will scarcely need his office at all.

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He can do all his work in the comfort of his own home.

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Unfortunately for this man, his children are difficult to love.

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Comedians Diane Morgan and Joe Wilkinson parody archive from 1960s about what telecommunications in 1990s might be like.


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