Episode 3 The Blame Game

CHEERING

Hello.

Hello and welcome to The Blame Game, the show that has more laughs

than Theresa May has friends in Brussels.

I'm Tim McGarry and our regular panellists are, of course,

Colin Murphy, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere.

CHEERING

And our special guest tonight is an American

comedian, writer and actor.

One review said he is deliberately provocative and mercilessly mocks

everyone in equal measure.

He's a firm favourite here on The Blame Game,

please welcome back the fabulous Scott Capurro!

CHEERING

And we have to start with the big news this week,

which is that His Royal Highness Prince Philip, the Duke

of Edinburgh, is retiring from royal duties.

Prince Philip is also known as Phil the Greek.

He's retiring not because he is old, it's just that, after Brexit, he'll

be regarded as a migrant worker.

Prince Philip is also known for his off-colour remarks

and for insulting foreigners.

This morning, Theresa May asked him if he'd like to lead the

UK's Brexit negotiations.

Now, on with the show.

The audience asked the questions and, like Diane Abbott,

our panel provides some very unreliable answers.

"Who's to blame for Jake O'Kane being irresistible to women?"

CHEERING

Anne Dawson from Lurgan.

Delighted to know we have a big following in the

visually-impaired community.

She didn't write that, her dog wrote that.

Ah, the bad-night-out ticket.

So what is our first question tonight?

Our first question tonight is, who do you blame

for failed negotiations?

A full-scale Brexit row has broken out after details

of a dinner with Theresa May and Jean-Claude Juncker were leaked.

Diplomats said the dinner was acrimonious and disastrous.

Channel 4 said it was the best episode of

Come Dine With Me in years.

Brexit is like a divorce between the UK and Europe.

The big issues are trade, money, who gets to keep Northern Ireland...

..and who gets to take us to McDonald's every other weekend.

Locally, Unionists are opposed to the bid for European Capital

of Culture being called - "Derry and Belfast bid".

They want it to be called the "Londonderry and Belfast Capital

"of Culture bid", or the "Derry-Londonderry and Belfast bid",

or the "Derry-Londonderry legendary and Belfast bid".

To be honest, any one of those would be fine

and we could still win Capital of Culture as long as the bid

doesn't mention Strabane.

But who can we blame for failed negotiations?

Yes, you have to blame, I think, Juncker and Theresa May.

So we know about this disastrous dinner between the two of them

because of the EU Commission, and Juncker basically

leaks like a faulty TENA Lady...

That's...

That's how we know.

Some people are surprised, some older women here, not as surprised.

Basically what happened, he is suggesting that,

it was a disaster and she was unprepared.

And that David Davis was completely unprepared and that

you can't just leave the EU, it's not like a golf club.

This is what he said, you can't just renounce your membership.

The EU is like the RA, or like the Mafia, there's no way out of it.

Basically, the only way for Britain to get out is go into the

witness protection programme. That's what's going to happen, right.

One day, Britain is just going to slip away in

the middle of the night. Some guy's going to get up in Carrickfergus,

look out his window and wonder why he can see France. That's what's going to happen.

He's just, "Mary..." Wait, Carrickfergus.

"Jennifer..."

"Jennifer, there's a fellow over there, stripy top, onions,

"beret, what's going on?"

That's what's going to happen. They're just going to leave.

And Barra Best will be on the news or doing the weather and it'll just

be a big gap between the Republic of Ireland, or the island

of Ireland, and then the Continent. And that will be it.

And we'll hear later on that Britain has gone into the witness protection

programme and is now living in an undisclosed location under

an assumed name, like...

Yeah, and she's done her hair a different way and she doesn't want

any contact with her old life, she's moved on.

And she loves Northern Ireland and she didn't go because of Northern Ireland...

But if she makes contact with Northern Ireland,

she's going to be afraid that the Germans will find

out where she lives. And...

I think I probably should stop there.

That's the only way out.

And then, Juncker, during the meeting,

did an amazing thing.

He pulled out seven kilos of paper, because he thought she didn't

understand how complicated it was, and he brought out the

Croatian Accession Agreement to the EU and the Canadian trade

deal and went, thunk, "Look how complicated this is!"

That's why you need paper, of course.

Thunk! That's... Thunk!

Like, a Kindle, that's not... "Look, look, look!"

I don't know why you'd do that with a Kindle, actually.

My finger is getting tired.

And then Nigel Farage comes along, the cheek of Nigel Farage, half man,

half collapsed sock puppet of a human being.

Just, oh... Do know what he said?

He goes, "The EU are stoking Irish nationalism."

The former head of Ukip is accusing people of stoking nationalism.

Oh, and in other news, Coke is accusing Pepsi of promoting

sweetened beverages.

Like, it's just... It makes you sick.

She called herself a "bloody difficult woman" and said

she was going to prove to the EU that she was a bloody difficult woman.

And I was thinking, bloody difficult woman is the most British-sounding

superhero I've ever heard of in my life.

# Bloody difficult woman...!

# She's belligerent!

# She's annoying!

# She gets in the way! #

I think she's just trying to sound hard.

Like she said, she's trying to be tough.

She wants a hard Brexit, because, considering the age of her cabinet,

I think a semi is the most she can probably hope for.

Every time I look at her, I get a soft...

I think that she...

When she was there, when she was at that meeting

and she said to him, "Look, I think we can really make

"this Brexit work." To the guy...

You know what I mean? That is, like, the weirdest divorce in the world ever.

"You know, we can split up, but we can make this

"a really happy split," do you know what I mean?

"You could really help me by giving me the house.

"Because I need space, and if you could just go away..." And you know...

"It's not me, it's EU."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Exactly.

I think people here have got a cheek to talk about failed negotiations.

There's no government here. For four months, there's been no government.

-How could you tell?

-Nobody could tell. Nobody noticed.

And now, for the first time ever, there's going to be absolutely nobody in charge.

Because Westminster is going to be prorogued for the election,

so there's no Direct Rule.

So it's in the gutter. Politics is in the gutter.

The last man who said that was Napoleon.

Napoleon said he found the French Crown in the gutter

and he picked it up.

I am in a similar situation.

That's exactly the situation...

I'm going to declare myself Emperor of Northern Ireland.

Nobody can say no. Nobody can say no!

CHEERING

No, no, no.

I hereby, on my own authority, disband the Assembly and I demand

that all the salaries that have been paid to them - is paid back and

given to the health workers. That's my first thing...

CHEERING

Every peace wall is to get a windae.

So they can see the ones on the other side are just like them.

-Right?

-I don't know...

My husband and I live in London and I live under

an Italian passport and, I don't know...

I mean...

-Get an Irish one.

-Well...

No, the problem is, I like to work.

AUDIENCE: Ooooo...

There's your mistake.

I mean, we could move to Brazil, that's a thriving comedy scene.

I don't know where...

We thought about moving to the US, but...

You know what's happening there now, so...

It felt for a long time like Britain was our only home, but now we're not so sure.

The ex-British ambassador to Ireland got himself an Irish passport.

But he did it for the most diplomatic posh reason ever.

"I have a house in Italy, I don't want to queue at the airport."

That's what he said.

I bet you there's Irish Republicans going, "I suffered so that

"English lord could get through the customs quicker."

The Derry-Londonderry thing is brilliant.

So, if people haven't followed it, as you said, it's a Derry-Belfast

joint bid for one city to be...

European...

OK, I don't understand that bit, right, but then there was a meeting

of Derry City Council and a Unionist there said, should we call,

"Should we call it Derry-Londonderry?"

Fair enough, he's representing his community.

He says, "I'm bringing the Unionist factor."

By the way, which is a talent show I would watch on television!

Fenian's Got Talent and the Unionist Factor are two

TV shows I'd definitely watch.

If you just had Mike Nesbitt as Simon Cowell,

Arlene Foster as Louis Walsh...

Jim Allister as Nicole Scherzinger or whoever, it'd be brilliant.

Just Honey G coming out and just her singing a song, yeah...

I'm not really sure if we want the rap version of

We Are The Billy Boys. I'm not really sure about it.

I mean, I'm not really...

"Wikka-wikka-wikka, up to my neck.

"Up to my neck in Fenian blood."

I'm not really sure about that. So we're not sure...

So he suggested, anyway, the guy suggested in the meeting

that it be called Derry-Londonderry Belfast,

and then somebody else, from Tyrone, said,

"Hold on, it's Derry Strabane...

It should be called Derry-Londonderry Strabane Belfast.

OK, I thought, why would Strabane want to be involved in this?

Considering you're going to be out of the EU, but there are cities

outside of the EU that can actually get this, because Istanbul in Turkey

got it and I thought, "That's why!"

Strabane...

is essentially the Istanbul of Tyrone.

No, bear with me, right.

Istanbul is at the meeting of two great cultures, right?

Europe and Asia.

Strabane is at the meeting of Donegal and Tyrone.

If you wander around...

There are fewer kebab shops in Istanbul than in Strabane,

but if you wander around Istanbul, you can see how the fusion

of cultures has affected stuff like their cuisine.

Same thing in Strabane.

I was in Strabane once, in a cafe, and I had Donegal Catch

and Cookstown sausages on the same plate!

Boom, boom, boom!

-That's called surf and trough.

-Surf and trough.

-It's going hard border. Is it a hard border?

-Yeah.

The Orange Order is going, "soft border".

Republics are going, "what border?"

What is a hard border?

They're going to have checks now, customs checks?

-That's a hard border. Customs posts.

-What's a soft border?

A soft border is what it is at the minute.

-No border?

-No border.

-Ah.

But there has to be a border somewhere, there has to be.

So the border would end up being in Stranraer.

Now...

LAUGHTER

You see, the people in London haven't thought this through. They are sitting going...

-POSH ENGLISH ACCENT:

-"The obvious place is Scotland,

"that's marvellous. Any Europeans

"coming over, they'll be coming from

"Scotland or Liverpool, even. Gives them jobs.

"And that's what we'll do."

And they have really underestimated the people from here going,

"I think you'll find, I'm not showing my passport

"to travel to another part of MY country."

Could you imagine?

"Excuse me, sir, can I see your passport?"

"Can I show you my foot?"

The other good news is, there's a flight now

from Derry to Stansted.

Although, if you say it properly, it's going to sound weird

because you're going from Derry-Londonderry London

and then you're going London Derry-Londonderry.

You just sound like your mental.

-It sounds like you've got London Tourette's.

-You're buying two flights.

"I'm going Derry-Londonderry London."

London Stansted London Londonderry Derry.

No, you can't say Stansted.

Oh, no. See... You don't know about Stansted?

-No.

-Oh, you see, all the Catholics call it Stansted.

-Oh.

But all the Protestants call it London Stansted.

-Painted out on the signs.

-Yeah.

Thank you very much for that.

Yes, Theresa May has accused European leaders

of interfering in our election.

I say to those Europeans, "If you are interfering

"in our election, could you make it happen tomorrow, please,

"so we can get the bucking thing over with?"

Because of the election, talks have indeed been suspended.

And Northern Ireland now has no government.

Yes, we have no government at Stormont and this week

the weather has been brilliant. Coincidence?

So what is our next question tonight?

Who do you blame for unpredictable leaders?

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we live in a very fragile

and unpredictable world, with leaders who are,

frankly, capable of anything.

Donald Trump could bomb Syria, Kim Jong-un could launch a nuclear

strike, and Arlene Foster could visit another Catholic school.

Donald Trump has relentlessly attacked the press in his first

100 days in office.

A vibrant press is of course vital for democracy.

The New York Times said it will resist presidential bullying,

the Washington Post said it will always report the news

impartially and the Daily Mail Online said Kim Kardashian's

arse is full of cellulite.

But who can we blame for unpredictable leaders?

Well, I mean...

I know that Donald Trump is unpredictable.

I just think he's a gangster reacting to headlines, himself.

He wants to build a wall.

Which is weird, because Mexicans can build doors and...

And use keys, and they've always got ladders!

I think what he's saying is, he wants to expel everyone

from America who is not white, which is weird, because he's orange!

As it turns out, orange is the new black!

I miss Obama.

I would vote for Obama if he ran again.

He probably will, because, in America, black men are always

running from somebody, for good reason.

Not really a police force, more like target practice.

But I did... I did...

LAUGHTER

I didn't pull the trigger!

I love that...

It all went quiet, and there was just a voice

in the audience going, "Jesus...!"

LAUGHTER

I did watch the inauguration/ Nuremburg Rally, and I was...

There are people in the US, maybe like the Brexit campaign,

they are similar, in a way, who felt ignored by politics.

They felt like they'd been cast aside.

We all have relatives we're ashamed of.

I have family from... Southern Baptists from West Virginia.

And when we traced our family tree, we found out it was circular.

LAUGHTER

And there were sheep on all the branches.

And their last name's Kilkenny.

Anyway, the point is, you know, there are people that want to return

America to what it was, which is what Trump promised -

-Make America great again.

-But what does that mean?

I just don't understand why people didn't vote for Hillary.

I supported Hillary, because I thought,

you know, women, right? Girls, girls, girls!

AUDIENCE: WHOO!

They work for less.

I think Michelle Obama is the only leader America has in its future.

Michelle Obama, I find her inspiring.

She needs a bigger Afro and some back-up singers but...

She'll have a hit...

She goes round the world telling schoolgirls,

"You work hard, you do your best,

"maybe someday you, too, can shag a world leader," and really...

If anyone knows about that, it's Hillary Clitoris.

I just feel like...

LAUGHTER

Something this panel doesn't really...

know that much about.

I feel like America's kind of, they're on a downward spiral.

The coastal cities are nice.

People still use utensils and wear shoes outdoors.

But when you drive inland in America, you know,

you take your life in your own...

you know, well-manicured hands, the farther you go from the sea,

the stupider...

Maybe they are not stupid, maybe they are just dehydrated.

Maybe all the people that voted for Trump are just really, really thirsty.

"I'm going to vote for Donald Trump, because he's rich,

"and I want to be rich, too!"

"It doesn't really work that way, but if I give you some money,

"will you buy some fucking teeth?!" Seriously.

LAUGHTER

I'd love to see that. A lotto winner.

Just go, "What are you going to buy?"

"I'm going to buy teeth!

"I have me some eye on some dentures!"

-He's not as stupid as people make out.

-No.

-He is president.

-He can't be.

He won, do you know what I mean?

And all this, "Make America great again..."

What is your woman saying now?

"Strong and stable". They're following each other.

-You know what I mean?

-They all follow each other, though.

Le Pen is meant to have plagiarised a speech from Fillon,

and apparently she said, "Oh, just a wink, to try to get his

"supporters on board." And that's what people do.

Well, Trump's wife plagiarised Michelle Obama's speech.

I was watching Gerry Adams in the Dail. He said...

HE SPEAKS IRISH

Two weeks later, who was I watching? Arlene Foster

-in a school in Newry.

-No way.

-No way.

Word for word.

Word for word!

The next thing you know, it will be

"Make Londonderry-Derry, Strabane, Belfast great again."

That will be the slogan.

Right the way round the hat.

The big hat and it will go right the way around.

HE GARBLES

We are lucky. We don't have unpredictable leaders. We are very fortunate that way.

We can predict ours are always shite.

-LAUGHTER

-That's true.

Can I say one last thing?

At least Trump's worked for 100 days.

It's the last thing I'm saying.

It's the last thing I'm saying.

That's the last thing.

Thank you, thank you very much for that. Yes, indeed.

What's our next question tonight?

Who do you blame for natural talent?

Yes, there was good news this week when a Scottish surfer survived

32 hours in the Irish Sea.

The man was rescued by helicopter and brought

to a hospital in Belfast.

He was extremely lucky because if they'd brought him

to Daisy Hill Hospital in Newry...

..there probably wouldn't have been anybody there to see him.

A school choir from Drumgreenagh near Rathfriland in

County Down sang superbly.

They did a beautiful version of Somewhere Only We Know.

Somewhere only we know is, of course, what everyone

in Drumgreenagh says when people ask them -

"Where the FECK...is Drumgreenagh?"

But who can we blame for natural talent?

The surfer, that was a miracle that man survived.

32 hours he was on a surfboard in the middle of the Irish Sea

and he was rescued.

The coastguard said, it could have been a very

different outcome, because he was drifting towards Larne.

It could've been much worse.

The happy ending this week was Line Of Duty...

Local talent, all shot in Belfast, the whole thing shot

in Belfast, fantastic.

And it was brilliant, I watched the whole series.

Genuinely fantastic. Adrian Dunbar is just brilliant.

And the fact that he was from here and allowed to be

from here in the thing, no back story, no...

Do you know what I mean? None of that sort of stuff...

As always, if there's someone from here, there has

to be a back story to it, there has to be a reason for it.

Because English people can't cope with the idea that

someone's from here, they'll sit at home and go,

-ENGLISH ACCENT:

-"Oh, he's up to something. He's really nasty."

And he's running around the place, and he's saying things...

The best phrase in the whole thing was, "Now you're sucking diesel!"

And...

Everybody here went, "Yes!"

CHEERING

And it's a phrase people use here for something

good, not Vin Diesel.

It's a different thing.

Similar feeling.

Vin Diesel has a brother called Green and Red.

He does.

INAUDIBLE

So, who was it...?

Other talent from here. Eamonn Holmes, he got into trouble because of a Line Of Duty

reference that he made. He said...

He made a joke on This Morning about the fact that one of the main

characters in it was this character called Balaclava Man

and they were all trying to find out who Balaclava Man was in

Line Of Duty, because that was vital to the story.

And he said in a link, he said...

"And of course, Line of Duty, which is shot in Belfast,

"no shortage of balaclavas there."

That's perfectly fine, that's a good gag.

Everybody in England went nuts with this.

I'm guessing it's second-generation Irishman,

-ENGLISH ACCENT:

-"Oh, my God,

"I'm Michael O'Flaherty, and I would like to complain about..."

One guy genuinely said, he said, "That comment has set the

"peace process back 20 years."

LAUGHTER

Continuity RA are sitting somewhere going...

HE SPITS

"Did Eamonn Holmes say what?!

"Give me my balaclava!"

I love the idea that the Continuity IRA are so genteel that

they have a cup and saucer!

The other bit of talent - men over 30 are

being sought by Channel 4 for Come Dine With Me,

and they don't have enough men in the Belfast area, if

anybody in the audience likes cooking...

Come Dine With Me is...

Four strangers have dinner parties on consecutive nights and

they mark each other for their food and hospitality and that kind of

thing. So they're obviously doing one in Belfast, which is, you know,

when you hear that, when you see that and it's on another

station and you think, "Oh, Christ, this is going out in England."

It's like when you saw Nadine Coyle

on Jonathan Ross or something and you go, "Oh, no, no!"

And so it's going to be people from here.

"So, here, what about ye? Bwah!"

"What're we having tonight?"

"Well, tonight we're having sausage rolls!

"Drizzled in brown sauce.

"Followed by Buckfast!

"And then...

"I thought, for entertainment afterwards, we will

"go round to the immigrant that lives next door and buck a brick

"through his window!"

APPLAUSE

What is our next question tonight? Our next question tonight is, who do you blame

for Northern Ireland getting fit?

For the first time in years, a woman from Northern Ireland

won the Belfast Marathon.

Congratulations, and we sincerely hope it

won't affect your DLA claim!

But who can we blame for Northern Ireland getting fit?

We don't get fit. She's an aberration! Fair play to her.

Well done. Well done, that woman. She won...

The Irish News had the best headline ever.

Irish News had the best headline,

"Marathon Winners From Kenya And Kilkeel!"

We just know that whoever was doing the typesetting

went, "No, no, no. Here... This isn't right.

"This couldn't be right."

You can't beat them Kenyans - you can't beat the Kenyans.

You can't. Them boys run their lives, you know what I mean?

They get up in the morning, their ma sends them for a pint

of milk - it's eight mile. Eight mile, they run! And they run eight mile back!

And their ma goes, I said, "Semi-skimmed!" Eight mile back they go, again!

-You get some young 'un here going...

-HE PANTS

"You out jogging?" "Couldn't catch the bus."

-HE PANTS

-They don't, they don't.

They don't do it. We don't have it.

You know the pulse things? These are the things. These are bad. I've noticed this.

-The Fitbit thing?

-The fitness thing. You get your pulse, and it takes your pulse

and all the rest of it.

And it beeps if you are in a danger zone.

And you have to stop. It beeped when I put my gutties on.

I was putting my gutties on my feet.

It told me to stop. I had to take a breath.

And here's the problem. It's obesity.

You know, in America? It's as bad here. It's obesity.

It's sugar, they put sugar in everything,

they put sugar in sugar. Right?

And the kids aren't eating properly. And you've got obese children.

And this is a serious thing.

Now, you had no obese children when I was a boy.

It didn't exist.

-The Famine times?

-No!

Because we went out and we made our own entertainment.

There was no Wiis, there was no Xboxes.

We were out in the fresh air. Rioting!

We made our own entertainment!

And there's nothing, I tell you, you could have a child

three stone overweight, you can guarantee you'll knock that

three stone off that child if a snatch patrol comes out to get him!

And if you were in a raid, all you had to

keep in your head was, make sure the fat kid and the

asthmatic was behind you!

See if you were running from a snatch squad,

and you looked round and there's some guy...

-HE GASPS ASTHMATICALLY

-..you were safe! That was it.

The soldiers got fed up beating wee...

Can I just say to Scott,

a snatch patrol isn't what you think it is.

There's a fat monkey in Thailand.

-There is.

-Did you see this?

It was in the news.

He was twice his normal weight cos of the tourists.

He's a macaque monkey and he has a big belly, because...

PANELLIST LAUGHS

That's what he's called, a macaque monkey...

Cos he's there going - "I can't see my cock!"

CHEERING

-Oh, vegans can poo.

-Poo!

-Vegans can poo.

They can drink Guinness now.

They have taken the fish bladders out of Guinness.

The last thing you need to add to a vegan diet is Guinness!

Like, really, seriously!

Are there any vegans here? Stand up,

if you can, and explain...

I don't understand that diet, at all.

I went for a vegan meal. I think I had a bowl of pubic hair

and a scoop of kitty litter. That's worth bombing Iraq over.

This is how you know liberals will never win another election

anywhere, because conservatives eat red meat and hate everyone. It's a win-win for them,

but Liberals are, like, "Well, I want to save the world,

"but I'm lactose intolerant!

"I can't feel my feet!

"I haven't had a period in 30 years."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much for that. Just time for our quickfire round.

Trump accidentally swipes right on Twinder.

-Twinder?!

-Tinder!

Arlene's house is roasting!

Tim, I have some very, very bad news!

Said the man who went blind.

Bangor M&S slashes the price of olives.

That's it, ladies and gentlemen.

That's the end of the show.

Please show your appreciation to our panel, Colin Murphy,

Scott Capurro, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere!

CHEERING

I'm... I'm Tim McGarry.

Until next time, don't blame yourselves,

blame each other. Goodbye!