Episode 4 The Blame Game

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to The Blame Game,

the show that will have you laughing so hard you will be on the floor.

Yes, you will literally be doing a Mike Nesbitt.

LAUGHTER

I'm Tim McGarry and our regular panellists won't be lying down

on the job because they're stand-ups who are currently sitting.

They are, of course, Colin Murphy, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And our special guest tonight is a superb stand-up comedian who

hosts Newsjack on BBC Radio 4 Extra,

and she's a regular on Radio 4's The News Quiz.

She's been on The Blame Game before and was

so good we just had to have her back.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the fabulous Angela Barnes.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, on with the show.

The audience ask the questions and our panel provide some very

unreliable answers. So, what did you, our audience, ask us tonight?

Well, there are 300 people in the audience and 300 people asked,

who do you blame for Mike Nesbitt on a carpet?

But there's some other questions - who's to blame for nurses in

Northern Ireland being the lowest paid in the UK?

Says an underpaid and overworked nurse, which is a great

and a very good point, but this is a buckin' comedy show.

LAUGHTER

Who's to blame for this show getting so popular that I have not

been able to get tickets in over a year?

Says Craig Gill from Ballyclare, who obviously got bloody tickets!

Who's to blame for Prince Charles becoming

a professional hurling player?

Did you see that today? Prince Charles...

Clearly from a Protestant, cos there's no such thing

as a professional hurling player.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, what is our first question tonight?

Who do you blame for broken relationships?

Now, at election time,

most political candidates get a photo of themselves in which

they try to look vaguely intelligent and not at all creepy and needy.

In a break with this tradition, Mike Nesbitt...

LAUGHTER

..got his picture taken on the floor of the Stormont Hotel.

Political sources say, yes, the photo is embarrassing,

but still not quite as embarrassing as the time Mike urged

Ulster Unionists to vote for the SDLP.

The Ulster Unionist Party has not broken off relationships with Mike.

They said Mike will not be formally disciplined,

although at their next meeting he might get a carpeting.

LAUGHTER

However, the DUP and the UUP have broken relationships -

their plans for an election pact have fallen through.

They were hoping to maximise the pro-union vote

in a pact codenamed OKTFO.

Operation Keep The Fenian Out.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

But...

..who can we blame for broken relationships?

It was a big story. The broken relationship was,

Mike Nesbitt and his relationship

with gravity broke down dramatically, and...

The picture!

The picture is interesting, because there's so many ways...

-Mike has said...

-Can we see the picture?

I think we have the picture.

But there's two women and the question is,

were they sitting on Mike or...?

And I think they're trying to help Mike up.

Who hasn't had the carpet jump up and headbutt them?

And the fact that he has said nothing means that we have

a right to fill in the blanks, and what has actually happened...

What would you suggest maybe has happened with this picture?

He's found Islam.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

McGarry?

He's lost a contact lens? He's a carpet inspector?

I think it all can be explained -

somebody has just Photoshopped out the Twister mat.

LAUGHTER

But the dumping thing, going back to the dumping thing,

the DUP and the UUP, it's over, and Arlene dumped wee Swann.

And this is what happens - women dump men, statistically.

Heartless bitches.

No, it's usually women dump men,

and the most cruel one I have ever come across, some girl texted

her boyfriend, "Hi, pet, would you like me to do a magic trick?"

"Absolutely. Is there pictures?"

"Kazam, you're single." "You heartless bitch."

HE SOBS

But we all use the same language.

It's always the same terms people use when they're dumping,

whoever's dumping anybody, and it's...

Let me translate these for you. Now, one is,

"It's not you, it's me."

Translate it - "It's you!"

"We've grown apart."

"I've grown up, you're still a child!"

The one that gets me - "Let's remain friends and stay in touch."

"I've just moved house, changed my name and my telephone number,

"you freak!"

The Canadian service does it for you -

these Canadian two boys set up The Breakup Shop,

-where you give them six quid and they'll break up for you.

-Six quid?

Six quid's all it takes, they'll send the text saying

"it's not you, it's me, let's remain friends", whatever it is.

But I'll tell you what does annoy me over the last couple of weeks

is the media seem absolutely obsessed on breaking up

the relationship of the new French President, Emmanuel... What is it?

-Macron.

-..Macron and his wife Brigitte,

just because she's 24 years older than him.

Yet the same media have said nothing about the fact that

Donald Trump's wife, Melania?

I called her Melanoma after, for a while.

She's 24 years younger than Trump, do you know what I mean?

And like most women will say about Brigitte, "Go on, you girl, ye!

"Get..." And if there is any cougar out there...

..who happens to be 24 years older than me...

..I'm up for it.

I said I'm up for it!

Can you hear? I'm up for it!

APPLAUSE

Doesn't matter, doesn't matter.

There was a brilliant expression online someone used about

Mr Nesbitt, implying that possibly he had, you know,

had a couple of lemonades.

And their description of it was, a new one that I hadn't heard was,

"He's as full as a bingo bus," which is just...

LAUGHTER

In fairness, at least Mike Nesbitt laid down on a carpet,

Arlene Foster tried to sweep RHI under it.

EXCLAIMS AND APPLAUSE

Last time I got dumped was by a guy who was two years older than me,

obsessed with Dungeons & Dragons and Lord Of The Rings, and he dumped me.

-Whoa!

-I haven't felt that uncool since my dad picked me up

from school in a motor home.

I once accidentally dumped a guy after a first date by text.

I don't think there's any way this story's making it in

-but I'm going to say it anyway.

-This sounds good.

Well, we went out for a date and we had a lovely time on the date,

but there was this thing about him

I found it really hard to get past it in my head, cos he had

a laugh like the Count from Sesame Street, you know, "Ha-ha-ha."

And the next day he sent me a little text and he said,

"I had a lovely time last night. You've got a lovely smile."

And I texted him back and I said,

"I had a lovely time, you laugh like the Count."

And when I looked back, I realised I'd left out the O, so...

LAUGHTER

Wow!

-AS THE COUNT:

-One broken heart. Two broken hearts.

Ha-ha-ha.

APPLAUSE

The Breakups thing is an actual thing.

I looked up their website, which is really, really bad now,

because I've looked up the website and now that's on

my browser history, which I can never, ever come out of.

Also, I can never get out of as well, is that, because these

two things go together, is there's a white rhino that's put itself on...

Well, it hasn't put itself on Tinder, but it's on Tinder.

White rhino can't go on... "I'm going to put myself on Tinder."

LAUGHTER

Oh!

No, he's the last one...

If his paws, or his feet, are dextrous enough to hold

a phone, why doesn't he use his other foot just to...?

-He did it with his horn.

-Why?

-He did it with his horn.

The horn is less, you know, manoeuvrable.

-Why doesn't he just text like that?

-He does that and then...

Why would you text to see up, like...?

Hope he's got the right number.

-You need to be able to see what you're texting.

-Blu-Tack.

-Do that and then you're...

-That's why he doesn't have a date!

It's because he's doing that and he can't see what he's texting out.

Well, it's because he's being too obvious,

because he's put in his profile, "horny".

That's the problem. He's too needy.

Way too needy.

But if we just say about Mike Nesbitt,

you know you haven't done well in the local election,

or in any election, if the most famous picture

of your former leader is in the recovery position.

I mean, just lying there.

Thank you, thank you very much for that.

Yes, in another broken relationship,

the head of the FBI was sacked by President Trump.

Yes, in a bid to draw attention away from his links to Russia,

Donald Trump sacked the man investigating his links to Russia.

Trump says the new head of the FBI must have guts,

integrity and a reference from Vladimir Putin.

In just a few months as President, Donald Trump has proven to be

totally unpredictable and capable of literally anything.

I mean, if I was to tell you that this week Donald Trump groped

Angela Merkel, pushed Stephen Hawking in his wheelchair down

a flight of stairs and played golf naked with Colin Murphy,

you'd probably say, "Jeez, I didn't know Colin Murphy played golf."

LAUGHTER OBSCURES SPEECH

APPLAUSE

So, what is our next question tonight?

Our next question tonight is,

who do you blame for the billionaire boom?

Yes, a billionaire's super yacht docked in Belfast this week,

which just goes to prove you can spend millions on a yacht

but if you go cheap on your sat nav, you'll end up here.

LAUGHTER

The billionaire is a Russian oligarch called Alexei Mordashov.

He's a bit like Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich - speaking of which,

Alexei, if you want to buy Cliftonville Football Club,

give me a shout.

I think I can get you a good deal.

Also this week, Rory McIlroy signed a new golf equipment

sponsorship deal said to be worth 100 million. 100 million!

I'm not jealous. In fact, I'm just like Rory.

If I say the name of my local butcher's,

I get 100 free pork and leek sausages.

But they won't let me on the BBC.

Stanley's. Ahem!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

But who do you blame for the billionaire boom?

Yeah, apparently there are more billionaires now than ever.

That guy did, yes,

that boat is owned by some Russian oligarch dude and...

Was owned, it's up in North Belfast now.

LAUGHTER

-They were saying that he's been here before.

-Has he?

-Yeah, I think he's got a taste for Veda, cos this is the thing...

-LAUGHTER

If you're a billionaire, you're going to be sitting around going,

"This caviar is nice, but it needs Veda, you know, it's just...

"And so bring the boat."

And off you go, and of course, everybody was out because

it was all fellas, looking at a motor, you know what I mean?

Loads of boys out taking photographs.

"Look at that, there's a couple of engines on her and everything."

And the Belfast Telegraph - it was in the Telegraph

and all they did was give the details of the engines,

the size of the motor on our boy, you know what I mean?

"Some poke out of our boy, let me tell you."

And, yeah, McIlroy, he got a sponsorship deal for 100 million.

He's already got a sponsorship deal with Nike for 200 million

and it's for clubs, balls and bags.

LAUGHTER

If anybody wants to sponsor mine, feel free.

APPLAUSE

I'm open to offers.

Companies with small names.

Belfast City Council's had a cost uproar, trying to save money.

Cos there's ways you can get rich - the way you can get rich is

earn it in a big business, you can...

Oh, communion, erm...

It is the season. And, erm...

I was surprised that one of the top 20 wasn't some wee girl from

Newry with her communion money, do you know what I mean?

But...

That's cos she's keeping it offshore.

Coming in at 24, Jean Morgan.

Belfast City Council got into trouble because they've brought in

a new system for recycling cos apparently getting rid of food waste

costs £800,000 a year, so we all have to put it in the brown bins.

And basically, the City Council had said, "You've been told, right?

"Put it in the brown bin. That's the end of it.

"See if we see it in the black bin? You're dead. Dead!"

And they give you this sticker that goes on the bin to warn you.

A STICKER went on the bin.

And I was out taking my bin in the other day and they'd put

a sticker on my bin, and, yeah, there's a big STICKER on the bin.

"Black bin is for..." Nobody knows what the black bin's for.

Nobody knows!

It's for NOT FOOD, and...

The brown bin is for food and...

I have dog poo, what do you put it in?

Does it go in a recycle bin?

Right back up the dog, that'll teach him a lesson.

But they're trying to save money.

The other place they're getting money as well is in the graveyard

and the cemeteries in Belfast. They're charging people, families...

The headstones are loose and they're in danger of falling over,

so the way they test this, right?

City Council get this thing called a topple tester, this machine,

and it comes in and they look at the headstone and they go,

"Does that look safe to you?"

"I don't know, er... Get the topple tester."

And then the topple tester comes in,

and what the topple tester does, it goes jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, jiggle.

And then the headstone, which was perfectly fine,

all of a sudden, "That's loose, that there, isn't it?"

Basically, it's the machine equivalent of the Father Ted

character that goes, "Shoddy, shoddy, shoddy."

Because Belfast City Council have now created two jobs -

they've created the weirdest job in the world,

which is jiggling headstones,

and basically, my favourite insult when I was a child, bin hoker.

That is now a job!

"What are you?" "I am an official bin hoker."

To check that you haven't put food waste in your black bin,

for not food, they'll open the bin.

You know, they should have used topple tester on Jordan when

she was getting the latest.

You know when she goes in and gets... "I want bigger surgery".

They should just go, "Hold on." Na-na-na-na-na, bump. "No. No."

I think it may have been used on Mr Nesbitt.

-I think that maybe is what happened.

-Oh! Yes.

APPLAUSE

But that's the worst, stinkinest, rottenest job.

They check bins, do you know what I mean? Who's...?

Like, I was thinking, who are they going to get to check rubbish?

There's 90 MLAs...

..and they've been talking rubbish for 20 years.

-But see that rich list, that rich list is... That is insane.

-Mm-hmm.

Because you just know there's guys in Belfast going,

"All right, we'll do them on the Monday."

-LAUGHTER

-"Tuesday OK? Tuesday?"

The Sunday Times rich list is the Argos catalogue for kidnapping.

That's what it is.

Because, like, you are not going to get abducted, like,

I'm not going to get abducted.

If somebody rang up and said, "We've kidnapped Neil,"

and rang my wife and said, "We're going to cut bits off him,"

she'd be like, "Start with his head."

That's what she would...

See the Holy Communion thing?

That has gone mad, the commercialism.

Like, imagine the commercialism...

The Catholic Church being commercial? Jesus!

That's ridiculous! But the wee girl...

It's not so bad, the wee boy.

In my day, in my day, I had a white shirt,

a wee tie and a pair of shorts that cut the blood going to my toes.

That's all I had, I had two sixpences at that was me.

-And he was happy.

-I was happy.

-Chasing the hoop down the street.

Wee girls, they're £1,000. £1,000 for the dress! £1,000.

The best I've heard, this is true -

the dress was so big the mother and the auntie had to help

the wee girl up to the altar, right, to do the Holy...

The priest does the job, gives her...

She's wearing a headdress in the shape of a halo, right? Fair enough.

-Oh, yeah.

-Gives her the Holy Communion.

Wee girl hits a special switch, the halo lights up!

LAUGHTER

Classy, classy.

Rory McIlroy, he's the richest sportsman under 30.

I thought, sportsman?

He plays golf! Golf isn't a sport, is it?

You can't call something a sport if you're

so unlikely to break into a sweat you can play it wearing a jumper.

Surely that's not...

If you can smoke while you're doing it, it's not a sport.

-That's my rule, right?

-Really?

-Yeah. Snooker, not a sport.

I recently... I hurt my back and I was...

"Hold me fag." That's not a sport!

I hurt my back recently and I was being treated at

a sports injury clinic, right?

Look at me, I've never done a sport in my life.

Nearest I've ever come to a sports injury is cutting my hand on

a Lucozade bottle.

I sat there in the waiting room and all these fit people are

coming in with their track suits and trainers and I could see them

all looking at me, like, "What sport was she doing?"

See them think to themselves, "Oh, I know, darts."

Again, not a sport.

Other way you can get rich is the lottery.

Now, there's someone possibly from here, right?

Who has won the Lotto in Donegal.

-That's not from here.

-No, it is.

-Not from here.

-They qualified.

-It's a different country.

You holiday in Donegal!

Let the man finish.

The middle classes love Donegal. It's in Downings.

Oh, my God, it's coming down with people.

They even have pesto in this place!

LAUGHTER

And when you consider the place is called Mickey Joe's!

It is the most Donegal, Mickey Joe Gallagher, isn't it?

It's Mickey Joe, now!

They got to roll him out for the news,

"Oh, somebody's been fierce lucky, so they have."

It's just the gentlest... Have you ever been to Donegal?

They could murder you and you'd kind of enjoy it.

"Ah, now, I'm just stabbing your carotid artery,

"so you'll bleed out in about two minutes."

-Night-night.

-Night-night. Want some Ovaltine?

# I just want to dance with you. #

APPLAUSE

The other way you can make money and save money, if you've got...

Garda Intelligence.

-If you've got...

-Fox News.

-Fox, oh, very good.

If you've got any paper £5 notes, they are now worthless.

-Well, the English ones are.

-It's Bank of England ones, yes.

The ones here, Jesus, there's boys photocopying them as we speak.

APPLAUSE

These are all right now, here's the big scissors.

LAUGHTER

But what's our next question tonight?

Who do you blame for growing old disgracefully?

Madonna, who is 58 years old,

posted a photo of herself naked on Instagram.

For anyone over 40, Instagram is a way of posting your photos online.

Yes, Granny, you can put your snaps on the internet!

For anyone under 40, Madonna is an old lady who used to sing a bit.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Madonna is 58, which of course isn't that old.

Mind you, on my 50th birthday, I was depressed and fed up and annoyed.

And then I just turned off Stormont Today and I was fine.

But who can we blame for growing old disgracefully?

I love this Madonna story,

cos I'm 40 and I wouldn't post a picture of me naked on social media.

It's not that I'm prudish, I'm just too courteous to do that to people.

You know, because I just find it...

The whole thing about posting naked and sending naked pictures and...

I mean, I don't know what to write in a birthday card,

I couldn't send a sext. Do you know what I mean?

Young people all sexting each other, that blows my mind,

because when I was a teenager, if I wanted to leave a sexy message for

a boy, I'd have to ring his landline and leave a message with his mum.

It's a different world that we live in, and I think we should be,

as we're getting older, embracing social media and things like that.

You know, the Queen this week apparently has got...

It's come out that she's got a Facebook account,

which I think's brilliant.

We need to, because loneliness in old age is a problem.

You know, we're all living longer,

we've got to worry about these things.

There are so many 100-year-olds in the UK now the Queen's

had to get a Moonpig account to keep up, right?

LAUGHTER

My nan, she's 93, my nanna, and she's brilliant.

She's got a little laptop and she uses Skype to talk to her relatives.

I mean, I won't Skype my nan, personally,

it makes me too nervous, do you know what I mean?

I can't tell if Skype's buffering or she's having a stroke.

And there was an interesting study that's come out recently as well

about old people drink way more than young people.

Young people just aren't...

It's not a drinking culture any more and old people are knocking it back.

And I thought, well, that explains a lot, doesn't it?

Cos there we were, blaming frailty and dementia and being

rubbish at driving on old age and they're all just pissed.

I was at my nan's recently, I thought, I'll have a little whiff,

see if I can, you know, smell any,

but they're bringing a lot of smells to the party, aren't they?

-It's difficult. So...

-LAUGHTER

And I don't know...

..why they're obsessed with mince, you know.

APPLAUSE

Now, I don't know if you've been the day room of an old people's home

recently, but it is frighteningly similar to a Wetherspoons.

-Really?

-Yeah. I thought, cut out the middleman,

just put the old people straight into Wetherspoons.

I don't know about your family, my family would be way more

likely to visit me if they could get a pint for £2.50.

That's a no-brainer.

You've got to admire people who just get to

a certain age and don't care any more.

My dad's 81 and once described onesies as overalls for bastards.

LAUGHTER

Thank you, thank you very much for that.

Yes indeed, in a heart-breaking story, an elderly couple died

side by side on the same day after 77 years together.

It was very sad, but also romantic.

My wife says, when it comes to my end of life,

she intends to dress me up as the Pope

and dump me on the Shankill Road on 11th July.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

But what's our next question tonight?

Who do you blame for blind faith?

Stephen Fry was investigated by Garda for blasphemy for

remarks he made about God on RTE two years ago.

Stephen Fry said that if he met God, he would say,

"How dare you create a world where there is such misery?"

Of course, if anyone from Northern Ireland meets God,

their first words will be, "Are you a Prod or a Taig?"

But who can we blame for blind faith?

So, this is quite a complicated story.

So, Stephen Fry made these comments about God in 2015 and some person

went into a Garda station in Ennis in County Clare and went,

"I'd like to complain about somebody blaspheming," and the Garda

presumably went, "Jesus Christ," and he went, "Well, make that two."

LAUGHTER

I don't know if you know this, but the Garda Commissioner

is under a little bit of pressure at the moment.

There's been a few weird things going on,

like a million breath tests that were just made up.

They still don't know... Made up.

I was breathalysed by a unicorn in Dundalk once, right?

So she went, "OK, we have to do this."

But the reason the law exists in the first place is mad,

because the Minister for Justice in 2009 basically was told -

I think by the Attorney General -

"The blasphemy's under constitution but there's

"no legislation for it, so you're going to have to either have

"a referendum that's really expensive, in 2009,

"or you can write in the law."

Like, you remember how broke the Republic of Ireland was?

I was coming up here, doing this show, and you were just

laughing at me at the border, throwing sterling at my face.

I remember it! Do you remember?

There was a picture of the Taoiseach

on the front of the Trocaire boxes...

LAUGHTER

..an Ethiopian group of musicians had a concert to send money back

to Ireland. So we were absolutely broke.

So the idea of a minister ringing up the Taoiseach of the day, going,

"Yeah, I know we're broke in 2009 and everybody's

"negative equity and all the rest, yeah, but we're thinking of

"having a referendum on a thing that nobody gives a shit about.

"Oh, that's quite blasphemous, actually, what you said there.

"Stick it up my...? I don't know if I can stick it up my..."

So it's completely ridiculous.

Like, it was a law invented but you can't really be done under,

that's the idea of it.

The other thing, by the way - blasphemy's making a comeback.

The other thing that made a comeback this week is that beach.

Did you see the beach in Achill?

So the beach just washed away in 1984

and then just came back overnight.

People go, "Oh, it's amazing, it washed away."

It didn't - that's how bad the '80s were in Ireland -

the beach emigrated to America.

LAUGHTER

That beach got a job as a bunker in a golf course in America

and was making loads of cash money. It had a little life,

it married a long-jump pit and they had five little sand bars together.

And after 33 years, exactly 33 years -

he knows it's exactly 33 years

because his da used to work in an hourglass...

The weird thing about the blasphemy thing, by the way,

is if you grow up in the Republic of Ireland,

you forget just how immersed in the Catholic Church it is.

I was driving round my hometown the other day, I didn't realise

all the street names are named after religious people.

All of them, all after nuns or clergy or priests or saints or...

Which makes me grateful that we don't do what Americans do...

"Make a right on Lexington Avenue,"

they go, "Make a right on Lexington."

You can't do that if the street is named after somebody holy.

"Where's good to party?" "Well, head straight up Sister Brendan and..."

LAUGHTER

-It's Armageddon this week.

-Is it?

Oh, my God, for culchies it's Armageddon -

two religions collide this week.

Oh, yes. Oh, yeah!

So what two religions collide? What is it?

Balmoral Show and the North West 200.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

There are families...

Carlsberg don't do culchie weekends, but if they did...

There are families who are torn asunder as we speak.

Arguments going, "I'm not going to the show, the North West's on."

Oh, it's unbelievable.

-Nesbitt is at it, as well, isn't he?

-Is he?

-Mike Nesbitt is at it, yeah, he's at the...

-Which one? Both?

-Probably both.

-No. Well... No, he's at the Balmoral Show.

Oddly enough, he's the perfect form to do a really quick North West 200.

LAUGHTER

Thank you, thank you very much for that.

Just time now for a quick fire round.

I will read you various newspaper headlines and I want you to be

faster than a Massey Ferguson into the Balmoral Show.

Just wanted to see how big my arse is.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Back to direct rule, then.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Does that look contagious?

LAUGHTER

Which one?

Lurgan woman issues wedding list.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Frankly, tonight I'm relieved.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's it, ladies and gentlemen, that's the end of the show.

Please show your appreciation to our panel -

Colin Murphy, Angela Barnes, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm...

I'm Tim McGarry. Until next time,

don't blame yourselves, blame each other. Goodbye.

APPLAUSE