27/12/2013 The Blame Game

"Should we get rid of the councils?"

Because nobody will make a decision.

This programme contains some strong language

Hello and welcome to The Blame Game Best Bits.

The series started back in September,

when we went to Derry-Londonderry, UK City of Culture.

The same week we arrived, Richard Haass arrived -

to sort out all our problems!

Haass said he wanted to talk to as many people as possible.

Colin Murphy thought that was a bad idea.

He wants to involve the public. They're the last people he should involve.

There should be a vetting process.

You can't just allow any numpty in there.

This is an experienced diplomat. Have you heard him speak?

DEEP VOICE: He's very proper, deep voice talking, he's impressive.

The man is, you know, he's an expert in everything. He's got that voice.

"This is going to work, people."

And he's got numpties from here going,

"I'll tell you for one what the problem is now!"

He's going to have talks, it's going to be AT him, that's

what it is, it's going to be loads of people going...

BABBLING There will be a translator behind him

like the UN, he'll have one of these things on.

Some guy going, "This boy's not happy here at all now.

"Something to do with flags, I've no idea now, wouldn't trust him anyway.

"Look at the state of him. You know?"

It's bizarre, this. He's going to ask for public input.

I imagine it's going to be some sort of Dragons' Den format.

Richard Haass sits there with a load of money, and people arrive

in with a suitcase, the way those eejits come up the stairs,

carrying stuff.

"Here's my solution for the flags issue!

"To you, this might look like an ordinary piece of stick,

"but it's not. This is a flagpole!

"And what belongs on the flagpole is a flag!"

HAASS VOICE: "I'm out."

Protests are like catnip for politicians in Northern Ireland.

You have a march or a protest,

they will pop up and they're running about.

Nigel Dodds. Nigel Dodds.

Up in Ardoyne, running about,

trying to get his picture taken like a lunatic. Know what I mean?

The whole day, Nigel was doing it large.

The whole time going, "My people! My people are behind me!"

"Brick!" "Oh!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Like a pasty supper getting put in the ambulance, "Ahhh," right...

Not that the Republicans are any better, Mr Sinn Fein Councillor!

Gerry Kelly! Gerry Kelly...

invented a whole new sport.

Land cruiser surfing.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

A perfect, perfect example of hubris.

Gerry was caught up in the protest and he wanted to talk to one

of the policemen in the police Jeep and Gerry, "Police Jeep, pull over!

"Pull your police Jeep over!"

The policeman drove on. The second police...

"Gerry Kelly, do you know who I am?

"Policing Board! Pull your Jeep over!"

Police chief drove on.

Third police chief, Gerry stepped out in front of it. "Pull your...

"Ahhh!

"Stop, stop, stop! Stop! Police! Stop!"

APPLAUSE

See, the wee cop involved didn't do that deliberately.

But if you have Gerry Kelly staring at you through

a windscreen, you're going to put your foot down. You are.

I'm getting in front of myself.

I've been waiting for six months to talk about this.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING

Because I know you're a bit confused about this.

Well, it is a strange sight to see an MLA on a bonnet.

Or as the Americans would say - they would say a hood -

it's strange to see a hood... on a bonnet.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I've been away for a while, so explain to me,

this all started with flags last year.

This is the first time ever in The Blame Game

we had an idea what might come up. So...

This is not a flag.

This is "A FLAG!"

"Flag! A flag!" With you.

MIMICKING: The people who have this flag,

certainly the people who like this flag...

..took this flag down off the City Hall.

Nobody noticed it was there until they took it down!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Then!

Six weeks of mayhem, six weeks of mayhem because the people who

love this flag are going, "They've taken my flag!"

"My flag! They have taken my identity!"

"I don't know who I am any more!"

Flags are more complicated

cos you may be in a part of Belfast, you'll see that flag,

but we just don't go for two flags - oh, no, not Belfast, no, no, no!

We like lots of flags.

We love lots of flags.

You'll get that flag. You'll get that flag.

And you'll also, on this side, you'll also get that flag.

Even though both those flags are already in that flag!

They don't know their flag is already in that flag!

Not to be outdone, the lunatics with this flag...

They decided to adopt this flag.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, yes!

Because they are brothers in the revolution!

They are similar to us, only with a suntan, they are with us, we know.

So, because these ones took that flag,

these ones then take that flag!

Because my enemy's enemy is my friend.

Can you imagine being a tourist wandering through Belfast

trying to work out what's going on? But it gets better!

Then this flag gets involved. The Italian flag.

Do you know why the Italian flag got involved in all this?

I think you do. Tell me.

Willie Frazer can't tell the difference between those two flags!

APPLAUSE

Willie Frazer! Now, God love Willie.

A haircut from the 1960s and a brain from the 1690s, I love Willie!

Willie saw this flag, the Italian flag, in a primary school.

And mistook it for this flag. What was Willie...

What was he doing at a primary school? I don't want to know.

LAUGHTER

"I'm going home for lunch."

So, Willie said it was a Provi training camp for our youth.

That's the thing.

Because, like Batman and Robin, you have to have, you have Willie

and Jamie Bryson.

Now, Jamie does not call it

EVEN VOICE: a flag

or HIGH-PITCHED: a flag.

Jamie calls it a "fwag."

LAUGHTER

"They have taken my fwag!

"They have taken my fwag away, where is my fwag?

"I thought I saw a pussycat, did the pussycat take my flag?"

APPLAUSE

Richard Haass has arrived.

And he wants to know, from the public,

what we could possibly do to help the situation.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's a victorious place now, though, isn't it? Derry.

There are so many things.

Derry says, "We have so many marvellous things that you can

"come and look at, we have got the site of the siege and the sight

"of a battle and the sight of a massacre. Bring the family."

And if you want, you can see where Amelia Earhart crashed her plane.

Derry is so good, you couldn't get out of it!

The murals, as well, are spectacular, very poignant. But it reminded me...

I did a joke when I came here a long time ago

and the joke is ruined now, but I never realised,

I never anticipated why the joke would be ruined.

The joke was, I said, "The graffiti over here is just extraordinary.

"It's not like London, in London you just get graffiti

"and someone will put 'bollocks', with bollocks spelt wrong.

"That's it.

"But over here, you've got all this spectacular...

"It's like you've got a whole city of Rolf Harrises running round.

AS ROLF: "Do you know what it is?

"You get a little guy from the UVF with a little Armalite rifle."

And I thought,

"Maybe one day that joke will be ruined for historical reasons,"

I never realised it would be ruined

because Rolf Harris would be taken in...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

There's a large number of MLAs who employed family members, mainly

white, and I think it's Trevor Lunn paid his wife ?16,000 for advice.

My wife gives me advice for nothing!

16 grand!

But then they turn round, he's gone,

McDevitt goes and who comes in in his place?

What do you call him from the UTV? Fearghal McKinney. Yes.

You'd think the Official Unionists would have taught the SDLP,

"Don't employ an ex-UTV presenter.

"Are you insane?"

We better hold our breaths

because if Frank Mitchell ever gets the sack...

Sinn Fein are going to be sitting waiting for him like that

outside the front doors, wee Frankie is going to be straight in there.

No, Frank is definitely DUP.

Why do you think it always rains in Catholic areas?

The other thing they're arguing about up there, of course,

is councils, super councils.

We used to have about 70 councils, now we have 26,

and now they're going to go down to 11.

I know, but they've been talking about it for ten years or something.

Almost ten years they've been deciding,

"Should we get rid of the councils?"

Because nobody will make a decision.

That's what this Twaddell thing's about and Richard Haass coming in,

everybody's terrified of making a decision -

if they make a decision, people won't vote for them.

"Oh, you took away our thing." "What was it?"

"I don't know, but they took it away." You know?

"And now them ones has got a thing.

"Now them ones has a thing, they always get the thing."

It doesn't matter what the thing is.

The other ones are, "We haven't got your thing."

"You have, you always get the things. We get no things."

"I think you'll find it's 'nothing'."

"Aye, nothing, we get nothing!

"You get some things, we get nothing."

They're terrified, they won't make a decision,

so...the super council thing, they want to get rid of the councils,

they shrink the councils down and then stop council members being MLAs

and being, you know, double-jobbing and that kind of thing.

They want to have a super council.

"Super-council!" Exactly! That sounds exciting.

We're going to collect your bins! Ta-da!

And in reality it's some boy in a high-vis jacket going,

"This is too full, I'm not pulling that."

APPLAUSE

"Aye, it's open. Can't close it."

Bin collecting here is the campus thing.

Since the wheelie bin introduction, you know -

being a binman was a manly job, it was a heavy, metal thing...

Very hard, over the shoulder... Yeah. Big thing. "Woar, argh!"

Walking like John O'Dowd with a bin, going, "Woargh!"

And that was hard, physical work.

And now it's wheelie bins, and just sort of, "Boom."

"Hooray, machine!" HE IMITATES DUSTBIN LORRY LOADER

"I am knackered."

You know?

I had to chase the bin lorry about - well, months ago.

I missed, I forgot - you know, you hear the lorry

going down the road, and you go, "Sh... Bins!"

And running out, and it's gone down the road.

And they won't come back, so you have to chase them down the road.

It is the campest thing I have ever done.

Running with two bins. You look like the beginning of The Sound Of Music,

running down the road going...

"Would you empty these, please?"

And when you got down, did he go, "It's brown bin, mate. Sorry."

Yous have got a new passport out.

"YOUS have got a new passport", like I've done it!

"Do you want to get a passport?" No, it's a bit of a disgusting...

It's an affront to the people of the North,

because you've got wee pictures of...

watermarks of everywhere down south, not one of Northern Irelands.

No. It's a different... Could've had a wee petrol bomber.

You could've had a wee Orangeman sitting in a caravan.

Nothing. Nothing. You don't really need a passport

in the Republic of Ireland, to be honest.

You could fly into Dublin Airport,

you could walk in with an Xtra-vision card, you know that?

You walk in with a Tesco Clubcard,

and they'd scan it and give you your points.

It is the friendliest place to go - I went in once,

I was coming from France or somewhere, we landed in,

but everybody gets lumped in together,

so you don't know where you're coming from,

there's so many people. I queued up and went through,

and your man's checking your passport, he looked at it.

He saw it and went, "Colin, it's yourself. Welcome back."

It was brilliant!

Colin, they do say that to everybody.

Cos they just read your name on the passport... I know!

That's the point. Every other country just looks at it and goes, "Meh."

But there they look at it and go, "It's your man."

They do if you have an easy name. "Musta-Musta...

"Welcome along, anyway."

"Home."

Yeah, it's - I was reading about that,

because it did cause a bit of controversy here,

in some parts of Northern Ireland, because, like you said,

there was a map of the island of Ireland,

and it kicked off in the Belfast Telegraph in the comments section,

which is always hilarious.

Cos there's people losing their head.

It's all - most of it's sectarian, from both sides, going,

"Oh, that is an affront,

it's a territorial claim on Northern Ireland."

And other people are going, "Ah, what are you talking about?"

They're just both going at each other,

and then about five comments down, just some lunatic goes,

"Doesn't Tyrone look great on the map?"

They've got some Ulster Scots poetry on the map.

Yes... By James Orr. One of the Weaver Poets. Yes.

Bard of Ballycarry. Seems a very positive thing. It is, indeed.

Yes, I thought it was very good.

It's slightly terrifying - it worried me that, you know,

the way Scotland's going to become possibly independent... Whoo...

That doesn't bear thinking about, here,

if there would have to be a passport with Ulster Scots on it.

Think you'll find it's a "passporty".

It's not, it's "a buik fur going awa places".

That's what it's called.

To give it its full title.

Yes, the new Irish passport includes some Ulster Scots poetry,

but I'm pretty sure Nelson McCausland still won't get one.

And, of course, in Northern Ireland we can have British

and Irish passports.

Basically, we all have a double identity,

which explains how Gerry Adams

could be leader of the IRA and yet not in it at the same time.

But there's 80,000 of yous. 80,000 have come up here.

80,000.

80,000 have come up here, taken our beds.

Taken our hospital beds.

You know what I mean? In some parts of Donegal

they're going, "Mary, are you going to Lourdes?"

"No, I'm going to Donegal."

Donegal's in the Republic of Ireland.

Basically, I... You've no proof that the 80,000 people are Southerners.

I mean, I think you're dead right to blame Southerners,

as a long-time resident of Newry, I think those people should be blamed.

For as long as possible.

No, let's be honest, here.

We, as Southerners, we do not come up here to...

Take our jobs. ..avail of your health services, we don't.

We come up here to shop at ASDA and go bankrupt. That's where we shop.

It's amazing that that's what the implication is,

that Southerners come here to use the health service. It is! It is!

Like, Irish emigration in 1813 was all,

"Oh, we'll go to America,

"and if we work hard enough we'll be able to get a good job

"and look after ourselves, and we'll be men of fortune."

And in 2013 it's, "We're going to go to Fermanagh for a prostate exam."

We're getting our own back. It is.

How is that conversation going to go?

"Really, we're going to Fermanagh? Tell us about Enniskillen, Daddy."

"Well, in Enniskillen they say the streets are paved with free bandages

"and surgical stockings for as far as the eye can see,

"and, you know, the drugs are free.

"Tis like an all-you-can-eat buffet, except for junkies.

"It's going to be amazing."

"But how will we smuggle the drugs back across the border

"down to the South of Ireland, Daddy?"

"I don't know,

"but there's a couple of girls in Peru that maybe might help us."

Do the Americans not buy into all that Arthur's Day stuff as well?

I think they did - people here didn't, that was the thing.

Christy Moore wrote a song about Arthur's Day.

Some sort of, "Dittle-dattle-dootle-dittle dah."

And he... That's all of Christy Moore's songs.

Every single Christy Moore song, it sounds like he's eating hot chips.

"Hoh-hoh-hoh... Dittle-dattle-dittle-dattle doh.

"These chips are roasting, roasting."

Who do you blame for erectile dysfunction?

And she's put her name down, it's Sharon Hobbs...

Where's the husband? Let me see the husband.

He's sitting beside her, "I'm going to kill you when I get you home,

"I'm going to kill you!"

Well, it's not like he's going to stand up.

I love the thought you've been to the doctor,

go, "That's it, The Blame Game, they'll know how to deal with it."

Either that or she's trying to sell you some dodgy pills.

Or she's looked at this and thought, "There's five dicks."

And in a completely unrelated story, the Vatican has criticised

a German bishop for spending ?26 million on his residence.

Yes, it's the new, frugal Vatican. Can't wait till have to...

Can't wait until they have to redo the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

Two tonnes of...

The Lord has struck you down!

He's struck you down!

Thank the Lord!

Oh!

The power of Christ compels you!

Did you see the Catholic brain? "Eh-eh-ba-ba..."

50 Shades Of Pray.

That's what it should have been.

Now, I'm going to try and read it again.

Bloody joke isn't even worth it.

I was watching Nolan during the week.

AUDIENCE HISSES

No, I like to mentally self-harm.

It was about blood donations and all the rest,

and some guy from Carrickfergus texted in and went, "I am 78,

"and I wouldn't take a gay man's blood if I was on my deathbed."

And you think, "Good."

Yeah. One down.

Do you know what?

I really hope, I really,

genuinely hope that that man needs blood at some point,

because, you see, if there's a shortage of blood here,

you will accept blood from England and Wales and Scotland,

where they do allow gay men to give blood.

So that guy doesn't know, so he's going to be lying on the bed

and you're going, "We're going to play Homosexual Roulette!

"Now, look at this. What do you think of this?

"Bit pink? Ooh, you'll never know, will you?

"Let's check. Ooh, it has platelets, yes, it does.

"Red blood cells, yes, it does.

"Glitter - wait a minute!"

It's like a slot machine, you're going to pull down the handle

and take your chances but you don't want three fruits to appear.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Can we have our next question, please?

Right, who do you blame for buns on TV?

Yes, The Great British Bake Off has been such a huge hit

it's moving from BBC Two to BBC One.

The hugely successful format involves amateur bakers

in a series of bun-related challenges.

In the Northern Ireland edition, two bakers come to the BBC,

bake 100 chocolate eclairs

and then try to sneak them past Stephen Nolan's office.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And it's been announced that the UK is facing

a shortage of goat's cheese.

So, if you live in North Down and have been affected by that news...

LAUGHTER

..there will be a helpline at the end of the show.

Or you can donate to the Cultra Dinner Party Disasters Appeal.

But who can we blame for buns on TV?

I've just had an image of...

Mervyn has to walk five days to get focaccia bread.

The Great British Bake Off is a phenomenon.

It's very big in our house, the kids love watching it,

my missus loves watching it. If you've never seen it...

By round of applause have we got any fans of The Great British Bake Off in?

APPLAUSE

See? It's insane. It's the most middle-class thing in the world.

It's so gentile and nice and it's just, "Today I'm going to make

"a lovely ginger cake with rosewater petals and candy..." All this stuff!

They say, "Anyone can make this at home." And you go, "No, you can't.

"Not with the crap that's in my larder, you can't make that.

"Where do you get candied rose peel?! You know, it's just...!

Standing in a 24-hour garage,

"Have you got any candied rose peel there?"

You can't do it.

It's the most middle-class thing.

But the format has been sold around the world.

There's The Great Australian Bake Off,

a very similar thing, and there's an Irish version as well.

They've dropped the Irish bit, it's just called The Great Bake Off

or something, and, er, it's very nice.

When it goes to the States it's going to be ruined

because it's just going to be that competitive thing.

Have you ever seen MasterChef in the States? Here it's just,

"What are you doing?" "Well, I'm going to make a foam..."

I hate foam! D'you ever have something,

when you go to a restaurant and there's a foam? Yeah.

It looks like the chef has just gone...

LAUGHTER

"Here's the foam ready."

People are throwing things away because of the sell-by dates

and the use-by dates, and in America they've got sell-by dates,

use-by dates and enjoy-by dates on things, which is ridiculous,

cos it only works on certain products.

All-Bran - that enjoy-by, that's pointless.

Horrific. You eat All-Bran, it takes you about an hour to eat it,

for that much All-Bran, and then you forget about it

until you decide to go to the loo, because when you eat All-Bran,

you don't gently decide to go to the loo,

your arse goes, "Now! Now! Now!"

It's one of those things, when you eat... Oh! Like that.

When you eat it, d'you know when you eat nice things, you go, "Mmm, mmm!

"Mmm-mmm-mmm!"

People ask you, "What's it like?" "Mmm-mm-mm-mmm!"

But All-Bran is one of those foods that you eat like this.

LAUGHTER

Oh, for...!

LAUGHTER

It's just soul-destroying, that stuff.

Apparently, there's loads of foods that you can eat after

their sell-by date that you should ignore, one of them is chocolate.

Like, in fairness, who's ever thrown out a Mars Bar?

I'd eat a Mars Bar off a toilet floor, like.

Can I just say, that is not a serving suggestion!

You want to make sure it's a Mars Bar, by the way.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Don't want that happening again. "Oh, it's a fun-size. Urgh!"

Oh, it's a Snickers cos there's still the nuts in it.

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

HE SINGS: # A Mars a day

# Helps you work...! #

Urgh! Urgh-huh-hurh!

That's horrific. Sorry.

The foods are, you're right, it's eggs, milk, tortilla chips

and chocolate you can eat after the sell-by date, which is

great cos that's what I make the kids when the wife's away.

But, like, I think you should just employ, like,

the arm's length rule with food.

Like, if you can smell it from arm's length, don't eat it.

You can also apply that to clothes.

You know, like, clothes, if you can smell it from arm's length,

don't wear it.

And sexual partners.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Carl Froch is getting married and I wish him well

and hope he has lots of kids, but there's one child who

probably won't end up in the boxing ring, he was christened this week.

Prince George? Did you see the christening?

Did you see anything about it? No. Was it in the paper? Who's this?

Prince George. Who's Prince George?

He's the king of your country!

LAUGHTER

Think you'll find he's not the king of my country.

That would be Angela Merkel!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's time for our Quickfire Round.

I will read you various newspaper headlines and I want you to

be quicker than a Northern Ireland fan leaving Luxembourg.

"The Magnificent Six."

Cowboy made redundant.

LAUGHTER

"When do the clocks go back?"

Every time you go to Ballymena.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"George Best Football Academy opens."

A bottle to celebrate.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Experts say you need seven a day."

Snow White explains sex tape.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"How Gordon Brown reacted to Tony Blair's heart scare?"

Boo!

LAUGHTER

Five things to do before you die.

Girls Aloud.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Do lobsters have the secret of eternal life?"

Nah, they're just giving it all that.

"Ah, the secret of eternal life?

"I've got the secret of eternal life!"

"Man sold newborn grandson on Facebook."

After someone poked his daughter.

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

HE SNIGGERS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

"Peru, too, are full of beans."

Makes a change from cocaine.

LAUGHTER

"Geldof to be the first Irish man in space."

Make Gravity History.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

"BBC is dumbing down science."

Says Professor Cox and Johnny Balls.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Edwin Poots deaf to criticism."

That's surprising considering the size of his ears.

LAUGHTER

"Have a drink or visit the toilet."

Larne What's On Guide published.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"The men who have decided to live longer without sex."

Are called husbands.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

My wife is going to kill me for that one, I'm dead! Don't use that one.

And finally, "I've fallen for artist who painted me nude."

Michael Stone's cell mate reveals all.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

'Well, that's all for this series.

'I hope you enjoyed it as much as we did.

'Until the next series, remember, don't blame yourselves,

'blame each other.'