Episode 6 The Blame Game

Hello! Welcome to The Blame Game, the show that has got laughs that

are bigger than Edwin Proops's legal bills. Our regular gestures are

Colin Murphy, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere. -- jesters. Our special

guest is a superb standard. He was a stand-up in the Edinburgh Festival

competition. He has been on Meet Your Neighbours and open for Joan

Rivers. And that's not a euphemism. He is the hilarious Gareth Farley.

Despite me putting myself forward last week, Jamie Dornan got the part

of Mr Gray in the 50 Shades movie. I know why, it's because I'm a

Catholic. And this show, the audience asked the questions and the

panel provide unreliable answers. What are the first questions? Who do

you blame poor erectile dysfunction? -- for. When she put her name down.

It is Sharon Hobbs. Let's see the husband. He's next to her. It's not

like you can't stand. You don't go to the doctor I know, The Blame

Game, they will know how to deal with it. Or she's looked and

thought, there are five dicks. Who do you blame for bad ideas? Vans

with messages telling illegal immigrants to go home were widely

acknowledged as a bad idea and scrapped. In Northern Ireland, we

don't mind immigrants coming here. We are just testified as to why the

hell they want to. We don't even mind foreigners coming and taking

our jobs. Sure, we don't need them. As for immigrants allegedly sponging

off the state, you are amateurs compared to others. But who can we

blame for bad ideas? This van thing the Tories had, going around

boroughs in London. On the side of it it said, if you are an illegal

immigrant, go home. They said it was a bad idea. It turns out, one guy

did. One guy saw the advert and went, fair enough. That is what

happened. He went back to Pakistan, where he was from. This man is the

most susceptible man to advertising that has lived. He must be coming

back from the shops, laden down, I am worth it! There is a thing, I

disagree, immigrants are not very welcome in some places. A man has

already been intimidated out of one home and relocated. Before he moved

in, these are very clever people wrote slogans on the front of his

house to tell him he was not welcome. But if you are going to

hate someone, at least be able to spell the names you are going to

call them. There are two Gs in that word. They told an entire country to

go back to where it is from. They had to be told by the public that

having a beauty competition was not a good idea. They have the miss

Ulster competition. It sounds like the most hideous title to win. What

are you? Miss Ulster. An horrendous thing. They didn't realise.

Actually, the MLAs were two women that were going to judge them. There

are only 20 of them in Stormont. There were not far less than that in

the actual competition. Their idea was, it well, it's a good way of

getting women into Stormont, if they parade around and go, I'm lovely.

Basil McCrea, or Richard Madeley, was there. He was going to post it

in I21, which sounds like some kind of operation room. It's going to the

Titanic building. They were worried it was exclusionary, because there

were rules. Of course it is, Hope of the population here will not wear a

sash. -- half the population. Apparently the van campaign, it was

stopped, but they will continue the campaign of sending warning text

messages to possible illegal immigrants. What are they going to

say? You had better be roaming! This is the stupidest idea in the

world. They are going to give the prisoners their own keys to their

cells. To provide a bit of privacy for the prisoners. You reckon when

they go out and they are locking up, do they leave the light on? In case

of burglars? What is the point of locking it in a prison? They will be

able to get in, they are all burglars. He has locked that, eejit!

You know that is the audience? They are only the audience because they

can't change the channel. Over year, I loved that programme. Thank you

very much, it's nice to meet you. The great escape, and we all got

caged and wet? My favourite worst idea this week was the guy that was

getting married. About to get married in Liverpool. He mucked up

the paperwork and could not get married. Instead of telling his wife

to be, he phoned a hoax bomb warning. What man in this room has

not thought of that on their wedding day? For a split-second. There's a

bomb, it could, it could work. The only good thing about that, when he

gets out, the dissidents have a job for him. He didn't fill in the

forms. If you are getting married, the amount of stuff you have to fill

in... Me and my girlfriend went on a pre-marriage course. We are not

engaged, I just like to tease her. I was tying my shoe lace, down on one

knee. Velcro. We had to fill in these questionnaires. There are

about 70 questionnaires, in the traditional Irish pre-marriage

course. A Catholic one. Where do you see yourself in five years? I wanted

to do the traditional Indian pre-marriage course. See her? She is

yours. I think I didn't take it as seriously, she wrote the proper

answers down to see if we work on portable. When is your favourite

part of the day to make love? She went, evenings. I said, half-time!

Who is the most likely to bring up a past argument to prove they are

right in the current one? She said Neil, I said, the Israelis. The one

that really annoyed her, name three benefits marriage will give to your

relationship. She wrote stability, close family ties and security. I

wrote child benefit, housing benefit and the benefit of hindsight.

The best story this week, the stupidest idea, they are going to

put chickens in high visibility jackets. Brilliant headline, because

they are wandering around the streets. Where? Wherever this is.

Not Belfast, they would eat them. This will cause road accidents, you

will think there are roadworks really far away. It is actually a

check in, close up. What the... ? There is a glow-in-the-dark road in

Cambridge. They actually did it? They put lights on the ground. It

glows blue. They think it is a great idea, you can get rid of

streetlights. It's the most insane idea in the world. Can you imagine

glow-in-the-dark streets here? They can colour them, that is the point.

This is our road! Who says? Wait till its dark! Thank you very much

for that. Indeed, a beauty contest at Stormont has been scrapped.

Instead, yesterday, Aung San Suu Kyi visited the assembly. MLAs gave her

six out of ten for poise and posture. She let herself down in the

swimwear. Coming up, our next question tonight, who do you blame

for poverty? Stormont has earmarked ?80 million to lift people out of

poverty. But wrangling has prevented the money being spent. MLAs have

lifted a number of people out of poverty by paying their own wives

and families to do research. Government statistics show that

Catholics are generally poorer than posits is... Protestants. But those

flags are not cheap. Who do we blame for poverty? At uni, it has only

happened here. 800 million, 2011, and they haven't given 1p to the

poorer. 80 million? Out of 800 million? It is all because there are

more poor Catholics than there are poor Protestants. And we can't be

giving more money out to the Catholics. The debate is go to take

place in that assembly, the unique debates, the DUP standing up, we are

disgraced, we are shocked, shocked, shocked I say. Yes, shocked. That

there are so many disparities between poverty, between the

Nationalists and unionists. We will not stand for this. The DUP will not

stand for this. We will work as ineffectively as we have done, for

as many years, to ensure that for every port catholic there are two

poor Protestants. every

I will give way to the honourable scummy member from Sinn Fein. I

would like to thank the honourable fascist for what he has said. I am

glad his family -- party has finally recognised that this side of the

assembly has managed in 15 years to not just have the same number of

poor, unemployed people in our constituency, but we have risen that

number. I dream the day will come when

little Catholic boys and girls will join hands with little Protestant

boys and girls and March hand-in-hand down to the dole office

to gather! A survey says Northern to gather! A survey says Northern

Ireland is the happiest place in the UK. Obviously the survey did not

rate Jim Allister. What is our next question from the audience? Who do

you blame for the escape the Monkees from Belfast zoo last remark? It is

just a PR stunt. They have got their own keys. Who is to blame for Alex

Ferguson's autobiography? It came out this week and David Beckham is

going to be furious when somebody reads it to him. Alex said he was

obsessed with fame. Sir Alex was hoping to get the underpants gig for

himself. And McCausland was said to be misleading when he was promising

?10 million in funding. They put in a bid for line or messy. Who can we

blame for Alex Ferguson's autobiography? He had this row with

David Beckham over his hair. No manager has had back row. Instead

you can have it in combs and an Afro, but you cannot have it in

both. David Beckham has not said anything at all. Roy Keane is a

different player to David Beckham. There will never be a Roy Keane

aftershave. It would smell of petrol and regret. It would be a bottle

shaped like a fist so you have to punch yourself in the face to put it

on properly. I don't know why Alex Ferguson is writing this book, he is

doing lectures in business management in Harvard. David Beckham

probably thinks the Ivy League is where you get relegated to. People

thought Roy Keane was an amazing footballer. He single-handedly beat

Juventus in 1999. No modern man United player could do that. If you

told Wayne Rooney that in the next match they were meeting the old lady

of children, match they were meeting the old lady

during in Harvard? No one can understand him here. That was Van

Morrison. The thing about David Beckham was that he married

Victoria. It sounded like he was annoyed that he had not married him.

You see him interviewed and he was growling with a red face. He was

just missing the big issue. He said he was interested in socialism and

fine wine. It is like being interested in Martin Luther King and

the UVF will stop you when to see the Carl Fratton fight? He is light

bantamweight. He is about that size. Yes, I could take him. Where to rush

to mark that is a Children In Need challenge. You would be there with a

bandage over one eye. As soon as he gets married and has kids, I will

bet his child will be world champion. Three other boxers this

week? Paddy is out there. If they get married and do have a child and

is good at sport, we would rob a bleak get the guard to say it is not

theirs and claim him. There is one child who probably will not end up

in a boxing ring is Prince George. Did you see anything about it? Who

is this? Prince George. Who is Prince George? He is the king of

your country, that is who he is. He is not the king of my country, that

would be Angela Merkel. I don't think Philip knew what was going on.

Seven God parents. That is an odd number. I thought you were supposed

to have godmother, Godfather, godmother, Godfather. Conjoined

twins at the end. Some of the names, Amelia Jordan Patterson,

Jimmy Pinkerton. Earl Grosvenor. The Daily Mail was horrendous, the

coverage of it. 11 glorious pages. It was pictures, just looking at

pictures of somebody else's wedding. My kids had projectile vomit at his

christening. Was it as soon as the holy water touched him? The second

it hit him. Did his head start spinning round? It was embarrassing.

We have got a Protestant! At least we will get a job!

When Prince George was born, it was the front page of every newspaper

around the world, apart from the Irish News. Now I know what you are

talking about. They had a picture of Pippa Middleton's not backside. The

last dig family occasion she was apt, everything was about her

backside. This time it was just her in a coat. Basically her sister had

gone, " if you get your backside out... It is his day, not yours".

Who do we blame for Sir Alex Ferguson's autobiography? Prince

George. And Carl Fratton beat the Frenchman. He beat him easily, a bit

like beating a dissident republican in an intelligence test. If you

would like to ask the panel a question in the next episode just

e-mail us. What is the next question from the public? Who do you blame

for wasting food? We throw away tonnes of food every day. 24% of

grapes are wasted. Not in my house. If they are in the right bottle, I

don't waste a drop. This comes from the story where Tesco's have thrown

out 30,000 tonnes of waste food in the first six months of this year.

It is a lot, but what were they supposed to do with the horse meat?

I kind of blame celebrity chefs for this waste. I have been trying to

learn to cook. You are reading these books and they say, had a spoonful

of her wrists. What is that? I blame Jamie Oliver, because he was

promoting food. How do we feel about Jamie Oliver? Have you ever tried to

make a 15 minute meal? Yes. It is horrific. Me and my mother made one,

and I thought we could get through this. Five minutes in and I called

the woman who gave birth to me a tool. It is difficult. He makes

everything look easy. So you think, I can do that. I will buy that stuff

and do it. But a bit of salt and pepper on it. He is spitting on its

because of his lisp. In America they have sell by dates, use by dates and

enjoy by dates. Which is ridiculous. It is pointless. It takes you about

an hour to eat it. That much all Bran and then you forget about it

until you go to the toilet. You don't just gently decide to go to

the toilet, your backside goes, " now! ". People ask you what it is

like. It is one of those foods that you eat like this...

It is soul destroying. There is lots of food you can eat after their use

by date, one of them is chocolate. A Mars bar. I would eat one of a

toilet floor. That is not a serving suggestion.

It is a fun size! Snickers because it still has the nuts in! It is

horrific. Eggs, milk, Tor Tiller chips you can eat after the sell by

date. Which is great because that is what I give the kids when the wife

is away. If you can smell it from arms length, don't eat it. You can

also apply that to your clothes. If you can smell it from arm's-length,

don't wear it. Also, sexual partners.

There is a new chocolate restaurant in London. I want to go. Nobody

really knows me and I like chocolate. I only take exercise so I

can eat chocolate. You go to the gym and go to the rowing machine and it

has that weird read-out about calories, distance and the Watts.

Who cares about that. You don't want to know how far you have to row to

light up a light bulb. Just time for the quickfire round. Various

headlines from the news and I want you to be quicker than your

electricity prices going up. Sharks jaw cancer. But it costs an

arm and a leg. One in ten sausages has hepatitis. C.

I am the boss. Tim McGarry does the worst Roos Springsteen... Not as

easy as it looks. Anyone can beat us. Northern Ireland seed, wise up.

Experts say you need seven a day. Snow-white explains sex tape. Prince

Philip meets great-grandson. After checking here is not foreign. When

do the clocks go back? Every time you go to Ballymena. McGuinness is

2-faced. Which explains the reversible balaclava. Supermarkets

admit throwing out tonnes of food. Load them on another dad. Finally, I

have fallen for the artist who painted me news. Michael Stone's

cell-mate reveals all. That is it, the end of the show.

Please show your appreciation to our panel.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. That is the last TV show in the

current series but until you tune in next week, don't blame yourselves,

blame each other. Goodbye.