Episode 5 The Blame Game

This programme contains adult language and humour.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE hello! And welcome to The Blame

Game, the show that's got more laughs than Edwin Putts has gay

friends. I'm Tim McGarry, and tonighting comedy blood, sweat and

tear Colin Murphy, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere!

CHEERING And our special guest tonight has

been on Live At The Apollo, been a reg lan on Channel 4's stand up for

the week and is the new host of the next series. Last week he released

his DVD, what's happening white people he has come to the whitest

place in the world. If he doesn't find out tonight, he never will.

Please welcome Mr Paul Chaudhry! CHEERING

ladies and gentlemen, it's been a big well-done to the Northern

Ireland football team this week. Yes, they haven't lost a football

match for days now. Earlier this week I was actually up in Stormont,

where I met the Environment Minister, Mark H Durkin. Some people

ask why he is called Mark H Durkin, it is to distinguish him from his

uncle Mark Durkin, plus when anybody shouts his name he knows what

religion they are. And Morrissey has released his long-awaited

autobiography in which they says he is sexually ambiguous. Mart ain, if

you are in Belfast, you have no chance of donating any blood.

And finally the actor who was due to play the part of Mr Grey from the

Fifty Shades of Grey movie has pulled out of the project. Ladies

and gentlemen, I'm just waiting from a phone call here. Any minute now.

Alright, on with the show. Fifty Shades of Grey does not refer to

your beard or hair. APPLAUSE Right, our first question

tonight is. . Who do you blame for England winning the World Cup? I

know they connectically haven't won it yet but it will feel light for

the next nine months. Yes England qualified for the World Cup on

Tuesday night. Roy Hodgson the Minister thinks they can win wit,

because he says it is not always the best 'm that wins World Cup. Ah,

that explains 1966. But who can we blame for England winning the World

Cup? They are probably going to blame the Polish now that we've

beaten them. Are there any Polish in tonight? You see, they are all

working. And that's what we need. APPLAUSE I don't understand why

Polish people get this racist abuse. When I was growing up in the '70s

and '80s I couldn't change my accent, I was Indian. Now it is, go

and do him, he's Polish. And they say, what do you mean I'm Polish.

Change your accent. It in the papers that England are straight through

and we are going to win, "Three Lions on a shirt, "All that stuff.

Poland are 65th in the world, and there were 18,000 Poles in the crowd

at Wembley. Maybe that was just a poll. I think it is a great thing.

You need England in the World Cup. Northern Ireland aren't in, there

the Republic of Ireland aren't in there. You want them this the World

Cup. If you don't like England you have somebody to shout for, which is

all the other teams, and if you do like England you shout for England.

If they weren't there you would miss them like they miss penalties. Teams

in the island of Ireland are rubbish. In the Republic of Ireland

we have a caretaker manager, by that I think it means he locks up the

stadium after. Northern Ireland, you guys wouldn't get to the World Cup

if you hosted the World Cup, right? Which I think by the way you should

do. That's the way it would be brilliant. Northern Ireland should

try to host the World Cup. You could play it in Windsor Park, and I'm

sure you've got other stadia as well. You couldply Cliftonville in

solitude, that's how a fan could enjoy a match, in virtual solitude.

Like the Olympics, when the special Olympics came to the Republic, was

it here as well? You have little countries based in various little

towns around Northern Ireland. You have Ivory Coast, Shankill Road.

Because the Ivory Coast flag is green, white and orange, for the

craic. England to the Falls Road and Derry, "Call that a wall?" And

what's Iran like? The worst thing is the oil sanctions. We are finding it

hard to get our fuel across the borders. You have come to the right

place, my friends. Some of it can be a bit racist. There's a big racist

issue in England, but hear about Tommy Robinson, used to run the

English Defence League. The English did only league. Unfortunately he's

resigned. He said there were too many extremists within his group. An

extremist organisation afraid of extremists.

A lot of people wanted to join the EDL and they accidentally called up

the electricity company. I tried to call up the BNP once - obviously

over the phone! I phoned them and got through to a call centre in

India. APPLAUSE Did you hear this week that

Martin admitted that, Martin McGuinness admitted he had slept in

the Queen's bed. Was she in it? Go to sleep, go to sleep. She wasn't in

the bed. It was Hillsborough and he decided he would have a wee nap in

her bed. Did Philip maybe a couple of months later, I say, Lizzy, have

you had the dogs up? When he met of months later, I say, Lizzy, have

her, this is a big jump, he had just shook her hand. He is the ex-IRA...

A wee bit indelicate there Paul, but you said, that you're going away.

Explain to Paul, when you look at him in a north Belfast and say,

"You're going away." He means you are leafing, it doesn't mean he's

going to decommission you. He shook her hand and now he is in her bed. A

quick mover. Did you watch him when he shook her hand? I was watching

him the other day. You would have thought he had put a rod up his

arse. He went, no, no, no, take the hand, that's all you're taking. What

sort of duvet does Martin McGuinness go for? Duck down was traditionally

sort of duvet does Martin McGuinness a warning to Martin.

APPLAUSE Somebody tried to break into Buckingham Palace again. The

worst robbery attempt in the world, in broad daylight, people standing

outside. Who stands outside? The royal baby, the people were all

excited, camping outside the hospital for four days. What were

they expecting? It was going to be a baby, not the new iPhone. If I was

camping outside the hospital for four days, they wouldn't have

celebrated. They would have called MI 6.

APPLAUSE I was watching Nolan during the

week. I like to mentally self harm. It was about blood donations and the

rest and some guy from Carrick Sir Alex Ferguson us the texted in and

said, I'm 78 and I wouldn't take a gay man's blood if I was on my death

bed, and you think, good! One down. I really genuinely hope that man

needs blood at some point. If there's a shortage of blood here you

will accept blood from England, Wales and Scotland, where they do

allow gay men to give blood, so that guy doesn't know. Her he is lying in

bed and they say, we are going to play homosexual roulette. Look at

this blood, a bit pink. You would never know would you. It has

platelets, red cells... Glitter? Wait a minute! It is like a slot

machine, you are going pull down the ha lle and take your chances but you

don't want three fruits to appear. APPLAUSE Thank you very much for

that. Indeed it was revealed this week that Martin McGuinness has

slept in the Queen's bed. Martin has strenuously denied staging some sort

of Republican protest in the Queen's chamber. Officials are convinced it

was his floater in the bid et. That's bad. I'm never going to be

able to look at him again without imagining that picture. You think

that's bad, my chances of doing the Sinn Fein Ard Fheis are buggered.

Can we have our next question, please.

Who do you blame for buns on TV? The The Great British Bake Off has been

such a big hit it is moving from BBC Two to BBC One. The hugely

successful format involves amateur bake ers in a series of bun-related

challenges. In the Northern Ireland addition two bakers come to the BBC,

bake 100 chocolate eclairs and try to sneak them past Steven Nolan's

office. APPLAUSE

And it's been announced that the UK is facing a shortage of goats

cheese. So if you live in North Down, and have been affected by that

news, there'll be a helpline at the end of the show. Or you can donate

to the dinner party disasters appeal. But who can we blame for

buns on TV? I have an image of Mervyn has to walk five days to get

focaccia bread. It is the Great British Bake Off. It is this

phenomenon, it is big in our house. Can kids love watching it, the Mrs

Love watching it. Any fans in? CHEERING It is insaivenlt it's the

most middle class thing in the world. It is so genteel and nice.

Today I'm going to make a lovely ginger cake with rose water

petals... Anyone can make this at home and you think, no you can't,

not with the crap in my Lorder. Cannedied rose peel? What the...

Standing at a 24 hour gar anl, have you got any cannedied rose peel? You

can't do it. It is the most middle class thing. The format has been

sold around the world. There's the great Australian bake-off, and there

is an Irish version. It is called the great bake-off or something. It

is very nice. When it goes to the United States it is going to be

ruined because it is going to be that competitive thing. If you see

MasterChef in the United States, here it is what are you doing? I'm

going to make foam... It looks like the chef's has gone...

LAUGHTER Is the foam ready? It is all middle class. This week a guy

was selling bricks in the village. They knocked down a lot of houses in

the village and some guys have taken the bricks away and sold them for

100 quid... Are you tying to tell me there's a place in Belfast called

the village and they are stealing bricks? Is that why you wanted me to

dress as a construction worker? Are you trying to tell me they are

steeling wig whams now as well? You are trying to clean the village

bricks and you get a UVF mural, George Best, UVF mural, George Best.

Middle class people are buying them. This is a demolition project right?

There's probably a couple of Polish dudes working on that. What are they

going to tell people in Poland? Belfast is amazing for demolition.

You knock down the building you don't clean up the bricks. In the

middle of the night the brick fairies come along and they remove

the bricks. What do they use the bricks for? For building and selling

and throwing at Nigel Dodds. What they are doing is these guys sell

these because they are old red Belfast brick and they are selling

them to lovely people who are building a gazebo at the bottom of

of the -- bottom of the garden. These bricks are marvellous, the

texture of them change individually, the colours change. This one has

Tague written on it. I think it's the guy who built it. The middle

class thing don't exist here. The local papers get hold of the stories

in the national press and they try to put them in, because they think

people here will be interested in them. The middle class don't exist

here. There's people with money or without money. The people with money

think they are classy, and they are not, because they are here, right?

In England the goat's cheese will be a problem. Here if you can name

three brands of cheese in the fridge, that's the thing. What have

you got? Dairylea. Easy Singles and Philadelphia. You are really

spoiling us. We don't have a middle class but the one thing that is

getting people annoyed here is the common end cation found, John

O'Dowd, the Sinn Fein Education Minister. A genius. Every time I see

John O'Dowd I think of Frankenstein's monster. You will

recognise this, Education Minister. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

to the floor the Education Minister. LAUGHTER

I want to talk about add caismcts This is a genius idea. School meals,

the bloes blunt instrument. If one school is getting many school meals

and these aren't, they want to take the money off the schools that

aren't getting the school meals and give it to those who do get them. At

my school everyone got the school meals, even the headmaster had a

school meal. He is robbing William to pay Seamus. I don't think he

means that but that's what he is doing. There is no money, what

account we do? So he is changing the common funding formula to education,

so education has to be given based on meals for children? Yes. Right.

Square meals for children? Yes. That's education equals meals for

children squared. APPLAUSE I see. I don't understand

that joke. He used to be a chef, John O'Dowd. A qualified chef. Send

him back to cooking buns instead of educating kids. If he's got no

money, why not take wee William and wee Seamus and put them in the same

school? APPLAUSE

I think that's very good. I wouldn't send my son myself, but I think

that's very good. I wonder like mine. He has to learn

Holy Communion. I saw a different version of Frankenstein than you.

I'm lost with this whole thing. Frankenstein wasn't a chef.

Restaurant, what was happening in Belfast last week, to get people

into the restaurants, marvellous, the food culture in Belfast is

marvellous, full of people going... And the thing is that the sign of a

good restaurant here, is what was it like? Brilliant, you got a big feed.

What's the food like? Big feed. You get loads of it. And you get the

wine list. No-one, it doesn't matter how fancy you think tur, really

knows about the wine. Everybody looks at it and goes, thank you very

much. What they are doing is looking for the second cheapest wine. You

don't want to buy the cheapest, because if you buy the second

cheapest it looks like you know what you are talking about. The waiter,

who knows bug per all. Posh people eat in restaurants but don't tend to

work in them. He's walking around, do you want to test the wine? Here's

the wine, what do you want to choose? That is the second-cheapest

wine. And then he opens it and he will still do the thing where he

says, can I taste it? Neither of them knows what they are doing. The

guy with the screw top is going, very good. The whole point of

tasting it is that it only works with the cork. And they go, what is

this? And they go, 12%. You didn't recognise our Education Minister.

What sort of education did you have? I want to know, did you go to a Prod

school or a Catholic school? I don't want to say really. I want to a prot

stand school. I knew that. Did you? Yes, I did. The or maybe I

didn't. I've always wanted to make the audience at home guess.

Chaudhry's a Catholic name. Went to a Catholic school. Our sex education

consisted of, "Stop doing it! Jesus is looking." Thank you very much for

that. Who do we blame for buns? Catholic

sex education. Indeed, Starbucks have claimed

ownership of the concept of a Duffin, a crossing between a

doughnut and a muffin. What do you get if you cross a muffin, a tart

and a Brownie? Type two diabetes. And in a completely unrelated story

the Vatican has criticised a German Bishop for spending ?26 million on

his res dense. It's the new frugal Vatican. Can't wait until they have

to redo the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel... The Lord has struck you

down! APPLAUSE The power of Christ compels

me. You can see the Catholic brains now. 50 Shades of Pray. I'm going to

try to read this again, and the joke isn't even worth it.

And the Vatican has criticised a German Bishop for spending ?26

million on his residence. The it's the new frugal Vatican, can't wait

until they have to redo the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, with two tins

of Dulux magnolia. of Dulux magnolia.

APPLAUSE What is our next question? Who do you blame for unionists

getting letters in Irish? Yes, Sinn Fein ML Katrina wants to send

letters to other MLAs in Irish, which is not fair, because they have

them have no understanding of English never mind bloody Irish. She

is angry about the letters being in Irish. Wait until they find out

she's ordered Union Jack toilet roll. Katrina is to blame. All over

a hurricane. Different spelling. They do, they mangle the English

language. MLAs, it is their language they speak and they can still make

it sound like their second language. These people are paid 40 or 50 grand

to make speeches that are written for them, right? And they are handed

them and they can read them and she wants it translated now into Irish,

the answer is Irish and English and the unionists will want it

translated into Ulster Scots, and to Irish and back into English to annoy

Katrina. Ampcts? They hand her one like that. You do the Irish right

and you do the Ulster Scots, right? APPLAUSE That's racism, why didn't

you ask Paul to do the Ulster Scots? I would like to tell the Assembly

that this situation is the situation that can't go on, so it can't, so it

can't. I'll do the sign language. APPLAUSE Speaking in Irish. There's

a lot of slobbering going on. And if the situation doesn't stay in

the situation it is going to stay a real situation.

It's a lovely language. It's a beautiful language. Irish is a

beautiful language. Sinn Fein should just leave it alone. They are

screwing it up. They are changing their names. Like Martin, our Lord

Mayor. Which is his right, but he's going through life with everybody

saying did you meet Martin, how do you pronounce it? Leave the Irish

out of it. Don't be looking at me, I'm not responsible for the whole of

Irish. You didn't translate that, by the way. I don't like what you said.

You don't know what I said. the way. I don't like what you said.

Fein, and Ard Fheis. It means welcome. I'm bilingual. You are

tri-lingual, you speak Ulster Scots. During the troubles he was Martin

and during the Troubles Brits came on to the bus. Asked everybody their

name. He says Martin Miller. Brits got off the bus. Everybody went

Marty, what happened to your name? He said, never tell the bustards

your real name. APPLAUSE

Thank you for that. Time for our quick fire round. I will read

various newspaper headlines and I want you to be quicker than Peter

Robinson out of a GLA dinner. Women come first? Not in my house they

don't. Pope Francis poses as fireman In weirdest naked calendar ever. Now

I will rule the world. Says man with ruler and massive pencil and OCD.

Edwin Poots deaf to criticism. That's surprising considering had

size of his ears. Five things to do before you die.

Girls Aloud. APPLAUSE What about the ginger one.

I'm Irish. I would start with the ginger one. Grease star hire

competitor assist. Her chills were multiplying and she's losing

control. And finally, panda cup dies. Marksman resigns from badger

cull. APPLAUSE That's it. That's the end

of the show. Please show your appreciation to our panel, Colin

Murphy, Anjum Choudary, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'm Tim McGarry. Until next week,

don't blame yourselves, blame each other. Goodbye.