Episode 4 The Blame Game

This programme contains some strong language.

APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to The Blame Game,

so that does to the news that a painting by Michael stoned us to

art. Yes, we have more last than Keith

Gillespie has beaten dogs. I am Tim McGarry and her thoroughbred

panellists are Colin Murphy, Neil Delamere and Jake O'Kane. Our

special guest tonight is a move from the South, now, it is not Conal

McFeely at, we could afford to hire him but he could not afford to hire

his way to do his research as well. We have gone for a top-class

comedian, described as a ball of energy. Please welcome, Mr Pelle

Toshi. -- Bernard O'Shea. We are excited because David Cameron

is in town. I am sure he is watching, welcome David.

On with the show, the audience asks the questions and our panel provides

unreliable answers. What questions do we have from the audience? Who do

you blame for unwonted tourists? The do we have from the audience? Who do

number of medical cards in Northern Ireland exceeds the total population

by 80,000. It raises questions about whether our health service is being

abused by so-called health tourists humming from the public.

Southerners, coming here... Southerners coming up here to our

health service. God, how bad must be system be! Can I say to our friends

in the South, if you want to join the United Kingdom, just ask! I am

sure it can be arranged. A guidebook has been issued this week to Chinese

tourists telling them how to behave once abroad. Apparently Chinese

tourists can be pushy, rude and offensive. Well, then, come to

Northern Ireland, no one will notice.

But who can be blamed for unwonted tourists. There is a 60 page booklet

for Chinese tourists when they go abroad. The Executive have opened

our own office in Beijing. We have representation in Beijing. There's

well have two words, "say nothing!" Just say nothing! But there are

80,000 who have come up here! 80,000! They have come up here and

taking our hospital beds. In some parts of Donegal they are seeing,

Mary, are you going to words, now I am going to Donnie gal.

That everything is lovely. They are trying to get tourists into Northern

Ireland. The free Derry Museum is going to do an extension. £2

million, the lottery heritage fund is giving them the money. But Arlene

Foster will not sign off, the Enterprise Minister, who is the DUP.

It is a symptom that the DUP ministers sometimes have. It is

known as writers cramp. Arlene Foster hazard. It is that thing,

seniors, it cannot work. You have no proof that the 80,000

people are Southerners. You are correct to blame Southerners, as a

long-time resident of newly... Let us be honest, we as Southerners, we

do not come up here to individual health services. We come to shop at

Asda and go bankrupt. It is amazing that that is the implication that

the Southerners come to use the health service... It is, it is!

Irish emigration in the past used to be a good thing. Now it is all about

going to from an for a prostate exam! -- Fermanagh.

going to from an for a prostate They used to say the streets were

paved with the medicine. But how will be smuggled drugs back

across the border? I do not know, but there are couple of girls in

Peru! There is one house in Armagh for that one address that has lots

of beds. There are 20,000 extra medical cards in Derry. EasyJet do

not want to take your bags any more. medical cards in Derry. EasyJet do

They say it is too big. They are medical cards in Derry. EasyJet do

leaving the passengers behind, 30 passengers were left behind on the

tarmac in Malaga. The lunatics online who said what is the best

seats to pick in an event of an accident, I'm sitting in row 14,

I'll be all right. A plane does not reverse into anything. They say

everyone wants as an emergency exit seat. You get the extra legroom.

This American guy said on a flight, have you ever opened the emergency

door on an Airbus? I said no, have you ever opened the emergency

because I am here! Remember I was saying to you before that I poked

myself in the eyes which weakens a little bit of your eyeball, what

happened in Scotland, the second time it happened it was in high

Wycombe. My body now -- it knows that it is free. One voice will say

that is really sore and the other one will say can you make it! There

are bits hanging off of me and another voice saying, "stay with it,

are bits hanging off of me and stay with it." You can just imagine

doctors from the NHS kicking you back over! Where am I? I am in

Donnie gal, what is that mean? Our next question is, who did you

blame for a lack of imagination. A painting of two women kissing has

been withdrawn from an art exhibition in the Ulster Museum. The

artist express apprised and said I'd take it you do not want my other

paintings? Two guys trying to give blood. We are very sensitive about

art in Northern Ireland, except at Trudell Avenue were guests lasted a

art in Northern Ireland, except at painting by Michael Stones is

serving 700 years in jail. He could actually get out for good behaviour

and by good behaviour I mean if he stops bloody painting. But who could

be blamed for a lack of the pagination? -- lack of imagination.

This painting has been taken down. There is an exhibition every year

that includes members of the Royal Academy. The select all of these

paintings and this one got through to the final. When they started to

hang the exhibition they thought it was dodgy, two women kissing each

other. I have not seen a picture, I do not know at the our naked or not.

There is nothing the Belfast Telegraph likes more than putting

something like that in its paper. So there was a suggestion that this

painting should be put in a separate part of the museum with a sign

saying you are entering the forbidden zone, in an attempt to put

saying you are entering the people off. That would only attract

people. If that had been done there would have been more people than

ever before at this exhibition. School groups, 12 and 13-year-old

boys, that is not going to attract them in this light is, is it? Two

women kissing them? That is not going to frighten them at all. Due

women kissing them? That is not to not know the relationship between

these two women. A man and the women to not know the relationship between

kissing, that is deemed appropriate. They could be brother and sister, do

you do not know the background. The Michael Stones thing, they are half

wing of his picture. People are wanting it in numbers. The Orange

Order are doing the speech. It was announced that they would be selling

raffle tickets for this. The painting again has two women and

it, not kissing. They are stealing and seeing what a beautiful flag.

Two women staring at a flag, the hair of the women represents the

people. Not the women. It is the hair that represents the people,

very thick hair. They are represents the people of Trudell

Avenue. Now, it represents the United Kingdom. He is selling this

thing, raffle tickets and people are interested. I would love to be at

that raffle, you know it is an Orange ticket. 1690. I would love to

win that painting. Leave it a couple of years, go on the Antiques

Roadshow. You would queue for ages and ages and get some dude in a

decade well with a little cardigan and ages and get some dude in a

and he would go, " is there a story behind this painting?" "Well, I do

not know if you know about the city and the flag issue..." Can you

describe who is Michael Stones to me, this will sound terrible, I do

not know who he is. Do you not revolving doors? Have you ever seen

a picture of a guy in a revolving door going round and round? He has

not been sentenced to 700 years, they have just let a revolving door

going at Asda. And he is an artist now? Yes. Is he getting at? William

Humphries, our local DUP member who is complaining because the

Protestant people are not finding the theatre attractive. It is a cold

house for the Protestant people. The interview said what is the last play

you went to see. He said, I cannot remember. What was the last and you

went to see? He said, I cannot remember. He is saying that

Protestant working-class are not going to the theatre in. They are

not going to the MAC and places like that. So, who is going? Is it full

of Catholics? There is a tremendous sense of show business about

Catholicism. Catholics go to Mars, there is dressing up, you get

involved in the show, there is small, dry case! Can. Mark you know,

it is great. There is lots of great theatre here, the only thing I was

ever at was opera at the Belfast Opera house. It was Le Vell, old

fellow. It is full of old people who I thought would get offended by

people turning up in normal clothes. I could not have been more right.

They hated it, that they were all dressed up to the nines. There were

lots of people and lots of cast dressed up to the nines. There were

members and the orchestra was underground. They were having a

members and the orchestra was great time. I knew what to expect

because my father had been there. There was a translation of what had

because my father had been there. been sunk. I brought my friend

Michael who is not the greatest man in the world and when the

Michael who is not the greatest man translation came up I thought it was

karaoke. There were a couple of creativity things this week. And

ministers said all the bomb creativity things this week. And

ministers said all the hoaxes, he described them as, we have seen it

all before and it shows a lack of creativity. That is what he said, a

lack of imagination! Bomb hoaxes? Roaring! -- boring. He wants to

create bomb hoaxes. I would plant a bomb in a robot. The army robots

would have two come and attack the sake robot. It would look like robot

wars. That is crazy! I would pay £12 to see that! I would come up and get

my teeth done and see that! Ring the police and say, there is a suspect

fish outside the local. They would be a macro lying outside. They would

have to blow up the fish. You would have to use a clown fish. Just so

they would say, we are currently searching for Nemo! London Fire

Brigade rescued a man who got his penis stuck in a toaster! I have no

idea. Don't pretend you have not done it! We have all been there. I

should say, it was his own toaster! I reckon he broadly just overheard

his friend saying, I would really want to shag ArtPop tart. He got his

penis stuck in it and I want to know what he said, I was trying to get

some bread out of the toaster. I cannot understand, he got his penis

stuck in the toaster. I don't know what setting it was on. Defrost, you

would start low, wouldn't you with Mac so, he got it stuck and he rang

the Fire Brigade. They arrive with the sirens blaring. I would ring

somebody with no sirens. I would ring the AF. One fireman said to the

other, I am going to have to take the helmet. Isn't it strange that

other, I am going to have to take somebody would want to bid their

woolly in a toaster! My toaster does not have a baguette setting! There

was another story this week, about libido and how women wear socks in

bed. We have to be very careful. The story was, they did this research

and if women wear socks in bed, then during the special hugs, they will

get as far as Donegal. Do you know what I mean? At the moment, some of

them are only getting to Dungiven! Would they get as far as Martha in

Donegal? Yes, thank you very much Would they get as far as Martha in

for that. Wearing socks in bed apparently does increase libido but

people who watch television in bed made love less often. If you're

currently watching, enjoy this, is the only fun you're getting tonight.

Who do you blame for grumpy celebrities? There has been a

celebrity spat between Sinead O'Connor and Miley Cyrus. Miley

Cyrus is famous for playing Hannah Montana. Also dancing

provocatively. If you want to see how it is done, by Jacob King's Lynn

provocatively. If you want to see latest DVD. Bob Geldof has claimed

that the world will end by the year 2030 which is a real shame because

it means we will all miss the end of the talks by Richard Haas. Who can

we blame for grumpy celebrities? Miley Cyrus was asked, was your

video and homage to Sinead O'Connor? Exception O'Connor was not

swinging around or licking a hammer! She was the king a sledgehammer

which we all know, you get through the site for. That is a health and

safety violation. She had no high visibility jacket, no safety

goggles, it was ridiculous! So Sinead O'Connor rose to my Lisa

Harris -- Miley Farris. So she said the music industry is sexualising

her because she got naked in the video and was sitting on a wrecking

ball and she is right, that would not have happened 20 years ago. Her

dad was not pictured scraping the not have happened 20 years ago. Her

cholesterol in his song, a keep Ricky Hart. The guy who wrote the

film, gravity. What is it about? George Clooney is in it. It is a bit

heavy, you would not like it. He complained and said, this would not

happen, that is bad science. She thinks that is science. He is the

kind of guy who watches ET and says, there are no lights on that bike,

that is a disgrace. I don't want to look at a porn film and say, I don't

think he is a qualified plumber! There were grumpy celebrities this

week and Miley Cyrus, I am delighted to say I am too old to care who she

is and two young to care about Operation Yewtree. What is Operation

Yewtree? I have an image of you and uncle Andy being dragged into

questioning? Summit will have to explain it to me? We could tell you

questioning? Summit will have to but it would ruin your childhood. We

will tell you afterwards. Can you also explain to Adele Avenue? What

is it? Jake will bring you up there after the show! It sounds so cool.

It is sort of a music festival. after the show! It sounds so cool.

There as well. There is a campsite. There are raffles there, they are up

all night. I know hotels I can check into? It is a lot like hotel

California, you can check-in any time but you can never leave! Who do

you blame for bad energy? The National Grid have said this week

that we could be facing a winter of electricity blackouts. Imagine

that! Now light, now Internet, the collapse of civilisation as we know

it. On the plus side, this woman would be off the air. Talking of

energy, a disgruntled worker in Rolls-Royce has repeatedly smeared

excrement inside the new turbine engines. Bosses at the factory say

they have no idea who did it but they are keeping a close eye on the

Irish guy who spent time in the Maze prison in the late 1970s. Who can we

blame for bad energy? My mother, because I love her but she is one of

these women that gets up when we are going to bed and plugs out

everything in the house because it'll all go on fire. She cannot go

to sleep until it is all out. She is not going to be around if I am ever

on a life-support machine. I also blame polar bears and penguins

because we now care more about them than we do about electricity. People

are worried about polar bears and global warming and I think it is

because girls see polar bears as cuddly. It would rip the face of

the! Penguins, they have made their own film. If they can hold up a

camera and get the lighting right in the article, they can plug in a

fridge! Why don't you have a wind the article, they can plug in a

turbine on the City Hall and tidy union flag to one part and an Irish

triple flag on the other side. We are upset, but are not upset. That

is genius! Somebody filmed Richard Haas, we have it sorted! 90 very

much for that. Our quickfire round now. Easy Brit headlines and I want

you to be quicker than a care worker visiting my granny! That is the

worst one you have heard tonight? A step too far. They just don't

believe your granny is still alive! Southerners! Peru to our full of

beans. Make the change from cocaine. We must warn about dangers of

looking at online porn. Look at your door! Adams found guilty. Which one!

Family buys house for £1 in Liverpool. Amid complaints they are

driving up the price of a local. Have a drink or visit the toilet.

Lan Bosman what is on guide is published. No automatic release of

terrorists. Stormont cuts back on MLA holidays. That's it, that is the

end of the show, please assure your appreciation for our guests. I am

Tim McGarry, until next week, do not blame yourselves, blame each other!

Goodbye.