Episode 3 The Blame Game

Expect plenty of adult humour in this programme.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello.

Welcome to The Blame Game, the show that's got more laughs than the

cruise liner has bulging sick bags. LAUGHTER

cruise liner has bulging sick bags. I'm Tim McGarry and the regular

panelists are of course Colin Murphy, Jake O'Kane and Neil

Delamere. Murphy, Jake O'Kane and Neil

And our special guest tonight is a very funny young man. Normally on

the Blame Game, we search the entire world to bring you the finest comedy

talent we can find. And this week, we went the whole way to Lurgan.

We stopped the first fella we saw who wasn't drinking Buckfast.

He's a local comedian very much on the up. Give a warm welcome to

mickey Bartlett! CHEERING AND

Now for the last two weeks, we have been in Derry, Londonderry, the City

of culture, the great to be back in Belfast, the City of Culture that's

culture with a K. We are here, believe it or not, in

the old black stuff studios where other things were filmed. A quick

hello to Jamie Bryson who treated that he watched the show last week

and really enjoyed it, which proves no-one's explained it to him yet --

Tweeted. The audience ask the questions and

the panel provide some unreliable answers. What are the first

questions toppite from the audience? Who's to blame for Lisburn?

LAUGHTER That's all it says. From Rachel and

her address is Lisburn! Who do you blame for Stormont being

in crisis? Yes, Sinn Fein say power sharing is

in crisis. Peter Robinson's said that everyone just needs to cool the

jets. Cool the jets? ! Who does he think he is, the Fonz. The maze,

flags and marching have all been controversial. People say nothing's

changed, but that's not true. Nowadays when MLAs go to a march,

they can get a taxi there and back and put it on expenses.

But who can we blame for Stormont being in crisis?

The whole maze thing was that it kicked off in is summer. The peace

and reconciliation, they can't decide whether to have it or not,

and then when they do have it, they can't decide which flag. Peace and

reconciliation and they can't decide. They say it could be a

shining example for the world and it's like, are you insane? They are

terrified it's going to be a shrine it's like, are you insane? They are

to terrorism because the Catholics love a shrine.

It's going to become a shrine. They are leaving two H blocks, that's

part of the design. I think the unit youenists are

terrified they'll build two visitor blocks in the shape of As, so that

from the air it says "HAHA". It's insane.

APPLAUSE Shouldn't be be a H block and a H

block, as in haich and aitch. How do you pronounce the next thing?

Giro! That is a disgusting stereotype that

happens to be true. They are doing That is a disgusting stereotype that

the thing around the north and Sinn Fein are very annoyed because you

are not coming to the Forth Road. Why do they think everything has to

come to the Forth Road. The race with the bikes or the things flying

down the road, have you seen the state of the roads, bumpy. It's

going through east Belfast. The number of cars that have been burnt

out there recently, it's not the smoothest thing in the world.

It's the perfect time to come to West Belfast. Lance Armstrong has

retired and he wouldn't be offended by the statues that look like

testicles. Coming down Broadway, something's happened, his bike's

gone! APPLAUSE

£25, it's very light, £25, buy this bike. I went to a tour, like the

Tour de France, it was in Cork a couple of years ago. I went to see

it. I was watching it and my friend's really into cycling. He was

very exciting. It was like the bend of the road, he was enthusiastic

about it, we were stood for an hour-and-a-half waiting and then the

next thing, a policeman came past on a motorbike and it was like, it's

coming, it's coming, all the cars came through with the bicycles on

the roof - which I think is cheating - and then it was like here they

come and vroom and that was it! They were all together in one big lump,

they cycled past and that was it! And he was like "that was

brilliant". Did you see who was the leader, he asked me and I was like,

I didn't see anything. What about standing at the top of

the hill? That's what gravity does. Is there a cycling club? Any reason

why it should go there? Yes, there is a cycling shop. I

don't like the idea that Italians can come over here and decide

instantly what routes they want and yet you need Richard to decide

whether you want to walk. Use have got a new passport out.

Like I've done it. It's an affront Use have got a new passport out.

to the people of the North because you have got wee pictures of

to the people of the North because watermarks everywhere down south,

not one of Northern Ireland. No. Could have had a wee petrol bomber.

Could have had a wee orange man sitting in a caravan. Nothing. You

don't really need one to be honest. You could walk into Dublin with an

extra vision card, do you know that? ! Tesco Clubcard and the scanners

would give you your points. It's friendly. I went there once, I

came up from France or is somewhere, we landed in, everybody gets lumped

in together. I queued up and went straight through, the man's checking

the passport, he saw it and he went "welcome back".

It was very nice. They say that to everybody because they read your

name on the passport. That's the point. Every other country, they

have the man who just grunts at you. I was reading about that because it

causes controversy here in some parts of Northern Ireland because

yes, liky said, there was a map of the island of Ireland and it kicked

off in The Telegraph in the comments section because it's people losing

their heads, sectarian from both sides, going, it's a territorial

claim and they are both going at each other. Five comments down a

lunatic goes, doesn't Tyrone look great on the map!

There is some poetry on the map. The weaver poet. Yes, seems a

positive thing. It is, yes. I thought it was very good. Slightly

terrifying. It worried me that the way Scotland's going to become

terrifying. It worried me that the possibly independent. That doesn't

bear thinking about here if there would have to be a passport with

Ulster Scots on it. I think you would find it's a

passporte! It's a book. Plawz law --

APPLAUSE The other thing they are arguing

about is the super councils. We used to have about 70 councils, then

there were 26, now they are going down to 11. In ten years or

something like that. For ten years they've been deciding, shall we get

rid of the councils, but nobody will make a decision. If they make a

decision, people won't vote for them "you took away our thing" what was

it? "I don't know but you took it away" and now everyone else has got

the thing, they always get the thing and it doesn't matter what the thing

is, it's always like, you get the thing, you always get the thing, we

is, it's always like, you get the get nothing. They are terrified to

make a decision. This super council get nothing. They are terrified to

things, they want to straighten the councils down and stop the members

being MLAs. They should have a super council. We are going to collect

your bins, ta-dar! Then some bloke council. We are going to collect

in a hi-viz jacket going, question are too full".

"Can't close it". "Can't close your lid, it's too full".

Bin collecting here, since the wheelie bin introduction, right, the

bin man used to be a heavy job, the thing on their shoulder, walking

with the bin. It was unbelievably hard and physical. Now it's wheelie

bins and it's like boom, the machine goes up and it's like "I'm

knackered". . I had to chase the bin lorry months ago, it was like bins,

I forgot to put the bins out, they wouldn't come back. It was the

campest thing I've ever done, wouldn't come back. It was the

running with two bin, you know, like the beginning of the Sound of Music,

running with the bins. Could you empty these, please.

And they go, it's got to be the brown bin outside.

I was up Shankill Road with a bus full of nuns this week.

LAUGHTER Long story but I'll cut it short. I know it's ridiculous and

you wouldn't believe me. The sister is a missionary nun. They

come home every five years, maybe a wee dance or a knit. Dancing nuns. I

don't know what nuns do. They have an hour between four and five to see

the murals in West Belfast so I say fair enough, I know a guy who knows

a guy who knows a guy, I get the guy over, very historical, doing the

murals, getting the bus, I think we are going to go down to Titanic,

your man drives to the Shankill Road to show them the other side. They

are all in plain clothes, right. I thought at this stage, fair enough,

they are in plain clothes, things are sweet. Then I look at the bass

back of the bus, there's an old weird nun with the whole thing on

her. It's called a wimble, I didn't know that, they wobble so don't fall

off. I had to turn round and say, sister if anyone asks you anything,

we are on a hen night, OK. LAUGHTER

Thank you very much for that. Yes, who do we blame for the crisis at

Stormont? A bus full of Funs. -- nuns.

APPLAUSE There is controversy over proposed

school reforms. The Minister of Education is opposed to grammar

schools. Like most MLAs; he's not only opposed to that, but to

grammar. Meanwhile, in a speech at the Tory

Party Conference, Secretary of State Theresa Villiers said the Government

was not semi detached from Northern Ireland. Speaking from a disused

toilet in the basement, she also said she stood behind the PSNI and

she's right, we should all stand behind the police, never stand in

front of them. Be of- what Nigel Dodge did and look what happened to

him! -- that's what Nigel Dodge did. What

is our next question - who do you blame for America coming to a stand

still? Good news, Northern Ireland, for one

week only, our politicians are not the stupidest ones on the planet!

American democrats and Republicans have shot down the Government

because they can't agree on health care and the debt ceiling, but it's

not about anything important like a flag or a march, so it should get

sorted quickly. The US government officials and advisers have had pay

frozen, but don't worry, that could never happen here.

Our MLAs would be too scared to tell their wives, sorry, love, you are

not getting your money. But, who can we blame for America

coming to a complete standstill? I feel sorry for people. The museums

are closed and the National Parks. I feel sorry for parents who've

managed to drag their kids out of bed, the teenagers, have hidden

Grand Theft Auto 75 or whatever the latest number is, knocked off

electrical substations off the Internet, dragged them to the museum

and it's closed. English tourists in Dublin come here Easter and they

don't know that you can't buy good drink on -- drink on Good Friday.

It's great. People are like, yeah, having it large and people are like,

no, you can't buy any, they don't even know. And it's like, shall we

tell 'em and we are like, no, we'll not tell 'em. It's like, any other

night of the year I'd be with you but not tonight. Three hours later

they are bewildered looking like they are at Disney world and

somebody just battered Mickey Mouse to death.

They are like, where's the best place to get a drink and you are

like, Newry. The American thing, it is bad, their

Government's closed down for about two or three days, mind you we have

had that four years and nobody's noticed. Did you see the filibuster,

the guy that tried to talk up the Obama thing, he talked for 21 hours.

the guy that tried to talk up the It's weird. Do they have that here?

We invented that, the Irish Party. Is it still in effect here? In

Stormont? Yes. I don't know. Nobody would listen to anybody in Stormont.

Nobody in Stormont can actually talk that much.

Somebody did it in Stormont for 21 years, they would use 1 words.

The land of democracy and freedom, the cool, I wanna live there, man,

then if they could speak like us, it would be great. Instead of going...

(speaks fast Northern Irish) We got a wink. They do high fives there.

Do the Americans not buy all that stuff as well? I think people here

Do the Americans not buy all that didn't, that was the thing.

Do the Americans not buy all that There was a song about that.

Christie Moore, it was like he was eating hot champions go,

hoo-ha-hoo-ha. He was giving off about it, he didn't like it. Thank

you for that. If you want to get away from America, you need a new

Irish passport. The new Irish passport includes Ulster Scots

poetry but I'm sure Nelson McAusland still won't get one. We can have

British and Irish passports. We all have a double identity which

explains how Gerry Adams could be leader of the IRA and yet not in it

at the same time. APPLAUSE

So what is the next question tonight from the audience? Who do you blame

for the restriction of civil rights with the removal to porn at work in

Stormont? Signed by a Fathers 4 Justice traded

-- MLA. Who do you blame for the lack of toilet paper on translink

trains? I wouldn't be reading that out if I were you.

This is a story in the papers. There was a guy stopped without a ticket

and the inspector asked where the ticket was and he ended up in court

and the judge even went, that is the worst defence, his defence was,

there was no toilet pager in the train so I had to use the ticket.

Classy. One of those shiny ones with no absorbency. As long as it's a

ticket and not some card that you have to swipe. Did he get off? What

do you mean did he get off? When you say did he get off...

LAUGHTER In next question tonight is, who do

you blame for unusual discoveries? A plumber in Dublin found 140,000 euro

in 50 euro notes under the bath of an ex-IRA man. All I can say is,

it's a pity he didn't look in the septic tank, he might have found

Shergar. The plumber handed the money to his

boss - seriously - that's how much Dublin plumbers earn.

140,000 euro and it still didn't cover the call out charge.

A council worker in Bangor found 10,000 in cash in the town's

recycling centre and handed it all over. The council worker has been

praised for his honesty and divorced by his wife.

Who can we blame for unusual discoveries? Bangor, £10,000 in cash

in recycling. It's Bangor, you know. Just throw it out, we are finished

with it, it's loose change, I put nit the right bin. He handed it in

and a councillor rightly commended him saying it's very honest and if

anybody wants to claim this money, they are going to have to be very,

very specific in the description of this money. It's money! Do you know

what I mean? ! Who's the picture on it! ? I initially thought he's going

to have to be very specific, but no, we have our own weird bank notes

here. The unionists are always giving off about this saying it's

Britain, it's the United Kingdom, look at your money and I looked at

Britain, it's the United Kingdom, mine and it was Harry Ferguson on my

money! They are not the only people that have found things this week.

There was Al-Qaeda found something this week, right. This is the most

bizarre story in the world. Al-Qaeda unwittingly discovered a terrorist

plot that didn't involve them. unwittingly discovered a terrorist

There was a boat going through the Suez canal and Al-Qaeda decided, we

are going to shoot that because they are from North Belfast. So they got

a rocket-propelled grenade, fired it at the ship, a little too high,

didn't go into the hull, but went into a container at the back of the

ship, went straight through and blew it up. The one container they blew

up belonged to dissident Republicans who were smuggling fags here. This

is true, sounds insane. It's like the plot of a weird movie.

They blew up their consignment, little did they know who owned it -

I will find you! The container full of fags. Four

million euro? That dissident Republicans were smuggling untoural.

million euro? That dissident They blew it up. There must be some

doctor evil who controls all the evil terrorist things, there must be

a complaint where they sit down in arbitration and go, what happened to

our fags and it's like, we didn't know the cigarettes were on the

our fags and it's like, we didn't boat. It wasn't a consignment that

said "stolen fags". Every time someone came to our door when I was

little, we used to buy two copies of the LVF news.

There is such a publication as the the LVF news.

LVF news? The public spell it VLF news.

It's a list. It's the same reason my dad has the

Irish news to see if he's in it. in Irish news to see if he's init. in

it. Be- not a death notice. It was years. This guy's always bringing

it. Be- not a death notice. It was Disney videos to the house for us

and it was years before I seen this half of the screen of the Lion King

because we started watching and this half of the screen of the Lion King

guy is sat in front, it was just a bloke's head on a soldier, I used to

sing the semi circle of life! If somebody had a movie, they get it

before the cinema, so this wide boy sold me the King's Speech, took it

home, put it on. Took it out, sold me the King's Speech, took it

cheaped it. Put it on. Took it out. Nobody told me he stuttered.

APPLAUSE A thatten in China has a nose on his

forehead. That's amazing. Where did he keep his glasses?

LAUGHTER I feel sorry for him when he puts

the hat on. What if he were an eskimo? How would

he say hello? It's upside down as well. He could put his head under

water for ages. Are you watching My Tattoo Addiction, there was a dog in

that. There was a huge bodybuilder dude and he got his dog's ashes, put

mixed into the tattoo ink. The dog was dead, he didn't just... He

didn't just burn his leg or owt like that, he got it put in his tattoo

and there was a picture of the dog made. It will be weird if the dog

haunts him and scratches him there. Or if he walks past lampposts. Yes,

wees in the puppy urinal. Someone got a tattoo on the bottom of the

inside of his lip. What's the point of that, I would like a tattoo that

can only be seen when I suck. Cheryl Cole's tattoo is a disgrace? Have

you seen it? It's roses across her bottom. She's talken something that

was beautiful and ruined it. She shouldn't be allowed to do it --

taken something that was beautiful. Tattoos are very common. I thought

you were talking about the tattoo that was here, on the indoor 12th in

the Odyssey. APPLAUSE

Throwing the thing up, hits the roof!

Throwing the thing up, hits the Thank you, thank you very much for

that. Yes, indeed it's true, an Al-Qaeda rocket attack on a coarse

go ship accidentally uncovered 4 million euro worth of cigarettes

allegedly destined for Real IRA. The Real IRA smuggling fags, don't they

realise those things kill people! ? Time for a quick fire round.

Various newspaper head Lewis Hamiltons will be read to you and I

want you to be quicker than a Daily Mail paper boy delivering to Ed

Miliband. Spotting a badger with TB is complex? It's not

black-and-white. How Gordon Brown reacted to Tony

Blair's heart scare. Boo!

A tidy house is better than sex. My house is spotless.

Rolf Harris appears in court. Sketch ah dust thrown out for saying, can

you guess what it is yet. And finally, 15 things a girl should

avoid in fresher's week. It's the football team.

That's it, that's the end of the show. Please show your appreciation

to our panel, Jake O'Kane, Colin Murphy and Neil Delamere.

I'm Tim McGarry, until next week, don't blame yourselves, blame each

other. Bye-bye.