Episode 2 The Blame Game

. This programme contains language of an adult tone. Who's to blame for

that? Hello. Welcome to this special

edition of the Blame Game and for the second week in the row we are in

the city that's so good they named it twice. No, not New York. We're in

Derry-Londonderry, not so much the Big Apple, more the wee spud. Forget

the city that never sleeps, this is the city that never works! I'm

joking. I'm joking! Derry is the City of Culture 2013, which is why

it's a real pleasure to be here and of course Derry-Londonderry,

legendary the maiden city. It's called that because the famous walls

weren't breached like a true maiden and if you hope to see a true maiden

in Derry these days take my advice and don't go near Shipcase Street on

a Friday night! So, on with the show and it's all about culture tonight.

I'm Tim McGarry. Our regular panel efforts know as much about culture

as Gregory Campbell knows much about mass. That won't stop them. They are

Colin Murphy, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere. Our special guest tonight

is a great stand-up and you've seen him on telly Mock the Week and the

Comedy Roadshow. He has a slightly plummy accent, I mean as in Nadine

coil has a slighty -- Coyle has a slightly Derry accent. Please, give

a huge welcome to the hilarious Mr Simon Evans. That's the panel. The

audience have asked us questions and we provide some unreliable answers

so what have you been asking us tonight. First, who do you blame for

so what have you been asking us no drink being allowed in here? Who

is to blame for other places not being as cult toured as Derry? You

never saw that one coming, did you Derry?! Yes, what a summer we've had

in Northern Ireland, while Derry had the maiden city festival and one big

weekend, Belfast had riots and setting fire to the city centre. It

pains me to say this, but it's absolutely true, it's official -

Derry is better than Belfast! It's nicer, friendlier and more and I'm

honestly not just saying that because I'm in a room full of 1,000

Derry people. There were 400,000 people during the FFLah and only 50

arrests. Even the cops were too kissed to addressed anyone. Who can

we blame? Local politicians. It has - this summer has once and for all

proved that protests are like cat nip for politicians in Northern

Ireland. You have a march or a protest and they'll pop up and

they're running about. Nigel Dodds. Up in Ardoyne, running about trying

they're running about. Nigel Dodds. to get his picture taken like a

lunatic. The whole day Nigel was doing it loud "My people. My people

are behind me." Brick! Oh, no! Not that are the Republicans are doing

any better. Gerry Kelly. He invented a whole new sport. Land cruiser

surfing! Perfect example of hubris. He was caught up in the protest and

he wanted to talk to one of the policemen and he said, "Pull over.

Police jeep, pull over." The policeman drove off. Second one

"Gerry Kelly, do you know who I am pull over." Police jeep drove on.

Third police jeep, Jerry stepped out "Pull over... ." And then, "Stop,

stop, stop." The wee cop involved didn't do that deliberately, but if

you had Gerry Kelly staring at you through the wind screen you want to

put your foot down. I'm getting in front of myself. I've been waiting

for six months to talk about this! I know you are a bit confused. It's a

strange sight to see MLA there. Or as Americans would say on a hood not

a bonnet. Or a hood on a bonnet! I've been away for a while, so

explain to me, this all started with flags last year. This is the first

time we have had an idea what might come up, so this is not a flag. This

is a fleg! It's a fleg. If people see this fleg, suddenly then there

the people who like this fleg. Took this fleg down from the City Hall.

Nobody noticed it was there until he took it down. Then six weeks of

mayhem. Six weeks of mayhem, because took it down. Then six weeks of

the people who love this flag are going "They've taken my identity. I

don't know who I am any more." It's more complicated. We don't go for

two flags. Not in Belfast. We like lots of flags. We love them. We get

that flag and on this side you'll also get that flag. Even though both

those flags are already in that flag. But the lunatics with this

flag decided to adopt this flag! Because they are brothers in the

revolution. They are similar to us, only with a suntan. Because these

ones took that fleg they will take that fleg because the enemy's enemy

is my friend. Can you imagine being a tourist wandering through Belfast

what is going on? It gets better. Then this flag gets involved. The

Italian flag. Do you know why that got involved? I think you do. Tell

me. Willie Frazer can't tell the difference between these two flags!

He's got a hair cut from the 1960s. He saw this flag, the Italian flag,

at primary school. What was he doing at the primary school? I don't know.

Going home for lunch. Batman and Robin you have to have Willie and

Jimmy. Now Jimmy does not call it a fleg or a flag. Jimmy calls it a

FLAG. They have taken my FLAG. Where is it? "I saw I saw a puddy cat."

What can we possibly do to help the situation? No fleg, no problem. I've

waited six months for that. That's been a long time. Six months! I feel

so much better now. Have you been on the Facebook pages? No, but they've

been on mine. I have become slightly obsessed with the Facebook pages. I

know my life is going around when I have 215 mutual friends with Ruth

Patterson. Who can we blame? We have to blame you Derry, it's injure

fault that no-one is as good as Derry

APPLAUSE over 28 million has been spent

policing controversial marches in Belfast, which is ridiculous. We

need every single pay for straB ban City of Culture. I'm joking, I'm

joking. £28 million is nowhere near enough. And indeed well done to the

street artist there who changed the graph teet fi from join the IRA to

join the library and he's been graph teet fi from join the IRA to

dubbed Strabanksey. She stole the culture duck. A four-foot plastic

duck, I think it was, a culture duck, was stolen. First of all, what

is a culture duck? Does it go, quack, quack, quack, quack, opera.

The hotel is on the waterside, so we assume it was a duck ala orrank. --

ala orange. If you would like to ask the panel just e-mail us. What is

our next question tonight. Who do you blame for culture having a bad

name? The big question. What is culture? Is it the ballet? Is it

poetry? Is it sitting in a caravan at the top of the avenue listening

to the Sash? We don't know, so we'll have to ask an Englishman. Now, I

understand! I understand the nature of the set-up. Who do you blame for

culture? Can I just say before I answer that, or indeed answering it,

I take issue with almost everything I have understood so far this

evening. Both things. Firstly, having my accent described as plummy

and unless that is meant to imply that it suggests a particularly

large testicles, then my accent if you are struggling to place place it

is educated. One of them got it in Belfast and they passed it around

and things got ugly, but I was half way home by then. Culture, I'm with

Hermann Goering on this. As with so way home by then. Culture, I'm with

many things as I find as time passes, but he bombed Belfast! Tim

assured me that would get a laugh, that one. I'm going with the

Coventry. Her man goring for those of -- her man Goring Hermann Goering

was a senior Nazi and he said, "When I hear the word culture I reach for

my gun." And I'm with him on that. Culture is like art that nobody

really wants and so the Government have to pay you to go and see it.

Culture is like - people don't like art. People don't like art. Culture

is just what people actually do. I live if Brighton and Hove on the

south coast. The culture there is to get drink and vomit copiously.

Brighton and Hove is too middle towns joined together and Brighton

thinks that Hove is the posh end towns joined together and Brighton

because women pause to put their kebab down before squatting to

urinate in gutter on a Friday night. That's considered a bit posh. In

Brighton, I mean the women - I'm a That's considered a bit posh. In

father and I see them through a That's considered a bit posh. In

father's eyes, I don't want to say they dress like prostitutes, but I

will say this, if you were a prostitute working in Brighton on a

Saturday night you probably need to wear a badge or something, I would

imagine. I'm fascinated by accents. We were lost and we were upstairs

and the lift won't work because I couldn't work it. There were two

ladies and there was Irish dancing. Six-year-olds if leotards, I nearly

got arrested. He started sweating first. I said the lift won't work

and they ignored me. I said, "I say, madam the lift won't work." Then

they spoke. She looked at you and you looked like a lunatic standing

there with your flags. "I have a project." There were all the

programmes on where there was a woman who went to bed with an

English accent and woke up with a Chinese accent. This is true. She

had a minor stroke. Maybe that's where they come from. Maybe a long

time ago I spoke, "I say, hello." And then "What about you? Everything

OK have you seen my flag?" Maybe there's that. Do you think we come

preprogrammed with all the accents and you have a stroke and you get

one? It sounds unlikely. Like a computer that has the software for

different things. If you had multiple strokes throughout the

night and you could be what about multiple strokes throughout the

you and then it's all about the craic. I hope there is a similar

story in China where someone wakes up with an English accent. What's

for breakfast? What accent would you like? Belfast is harsh. You can't be

romantic with it. You can't. "See you, see you, I love you." It's a

threat. "See you and me, oh, wayhey." And again, you couldn't

have it. Accents are horses for courses. I speak English to my

have it. Accents are horses for butler and French to my mistress and

have it. Accents are horses for German to my dog. That was a

traditional upper class to accents. It depends who you are addressing.

We believed Simon entirely because. If you had said that you would have

gone you're talking Shi'ite. A long time ago, I don't do pornography.

You don't do it?! Don't watch it and I'm not into it. I'm not paying good

money to watch someone else enjoying themselves. The guys who I play

cards with they put it on and it was a young couple and they were

battering away. It was hard to concentrate. Was it hard? What saved

me was somebody turned the volume up and it was a locally made porn film

and it broke it when all you could hear was "Come on you boy, come on."

Maybe that's what it's like for the pornographic industry with the

Swedish films and it was all that. It's probably like that for Swedish

people. It sounds all right to us. But the Swedes are going, yuk. I

don't think there's an overemphasis on that. What about who's your

daddy? In Belfast. Get out the car! If you want to clear a pub in North

Belfast just shout daddy. I don't like it because of the overemphasis

on the whole excessive full on. I don't want to look down there and

imagine you like a pelican with a mackerel. I can hear the rosemary

beads in row four! -- rosary beads in row four. I hope you enjoyed

that, because you won't be seeing that on TV! ! Shall we go further

What is our next question? Our next question is, who do you blame for

our divisive sports culture? Yes, deRary man, Martin O'Neill is in

line to manage the Republic of Ireland team. O'Neill is in the top

ten Northern Ireland footballers which makes him ideal as he's

ten Northern Ireland footballers already used to losing most

international matches. Martin is the sixth of nine children. Well, at

least we know what foot he plays with. Who can we blame for our

divisive sports culture? It is pretty bad. I'm not a sports fan at

all. Which I'm happy about, because if you support football you would

have to support Northern Ireland or the Republic of Ireland and I

believe neither did well. It's divisive. People will assume you

support Northern Ireland then you're like that and then if you support

support Northern Ireland then you're the Republic of Ireland people

assume you are like that. There's nothing wrong with being gay.

Probably from the middle class are talking about being into football

and said, "Why can't we have an all-Ireland team? It works for the

rugby." You think, really? Really? I know hugger all about sport, but I

know that's not going to work. If you have fans who can't agree on a

chant that doesn't annoy some of their own fans then that's not the

team to join up with another team who they all hate. There was the

diplomat, Jimmy, who was in Luxembourg on an Aer Lingus flight

diplomat, Jimmy, who was in and after the match there was

controversy because there were rumours because they were singing

the Billy Boys and if you're not familiar with this particularly

ditty, it contains the lines, we are, we are the Billy boys and we're

up to our necks in feen an blood. Apparently they sang it outside the

stadium, which they didn't. Anyway it's not offensive at all. He was in

a hotel in a red light district and he checked out because he didn't

think it was appropriate and I thought it was right because it's

got enough dicks, so he went somewhere else. It is a very odd

thing. There was an all-Ireland football team. If you watch the

rugby and then that song and the other. Everybody hates the oeRpG

thing. -- the other thing. England, England. When things are going well.

Northern Ireland! Northern Ireland! You can't say Northern Ireland. NI.

You're right, when Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland were

doing badly a friend said from London why can't you have one team

where you have northerners playing for one team and southerners playing

for one team and I said we do. Hang on a second. They are playing this

"We're taking down all the peace walls in Derry." I noticed a big

wall all around this city. There's a big wall not getting broken. In

Derry there will be peace walls because they've got a river. If you

want to have a riot in Derry you have to learn to swim. You can't

swim because there's a big monster in the river. I saw him recently.

Big, big monster. A Derry man saved all of western civilisation.

Basically, when the barbarian hoards were destroying Europe the only

people were literate people who were mornings and they came from England.

And Chrissant and literacy spread in England and all the way down through

the south, but there was a man from who saved all the western

civilisation. Thank you very much for that. There's just time for the

quick-fire round. I will read you various newspaper headlines and I

want you to be quicker than the man who has made Derry jokes all night

getting out of the forum. Or quicker than Richard Hass booking a flight

home. Man sold newborn grandson on Facebook. After someone poked his

daughter! Forced to scrutiny prostitution laws. He's looking for

a loophole. Geldof to be the first man in space. Make gravity history.

The male group decided to live longer without sex. Are called

husbands. My wife is going to kill me for that one. I'm dead. A woman's

husbands. My wife is going to kill womb is not her own. As she fails to

make final repayment. Fiddler on the Roof. Get six months from the judge.

Inflation down. Says leak. George Best Football Academy opens. A

bottle to celebrate. Minister orders spot checks of new schools In acne

clampdown. Why shouldn't I breastfeed in a public pool? If

you're old enough to ask that question you're probably old enough

to eat solids? Finally, BBC is dumbing down science? Says Professor

Cox and Jonny Balls. That's it. That's the end of the show. Please

show your precious to the panel. Colin Murray, Simon Evans, Jake

show your precious to the panel. O'Kane and Neil Delamere.

APPLAUSE I'm Tim McGarry and until next week,

don't blame yourselves, blame each other. Goodbye.