Episode 1 The Blame Game

Hello. Hello and welcome to The Blame Game! Yes, we're back. It's a

brand-new series. The BBC took us off the air for a couple of years

brand-new series. The BBC took us because they said, you know what,

there's no troubles any more. Thanks, Jimmy Bryson, thanks for the

new series! And yes, because it is a new series, the producer said he

would take us out of Belfast and bring us somewhere where the people

are more civilised, cultured and sophisticated. But that fell

through! So, we've come to Derry. CHEERING.

Yes, it took nine months, but finally, culture has come to

Derry-Londondderry. Now, it would of course be cheap and easy to make

lots of silly jokes about Derry being City of Culture... So, brace

yourselves. No, actually, before I go on, I should say that I was at

the doctor today. The doctor said to me, Tim, you're middle-aged. You're

unfit, you're overweight. Would you like to play midfield for Northern

Ireland at the next match? APPLAUSE. Well, actually, we've been here in

Derry a couple of days and we had a great time. We're virtually gone

native, ladies and gentlemen. We've gone pure Derry, haigh! And to keep

in with the Derry wans, we've all changed our names! I'M Tim McGarry

Doherty. And our regular panellists are, of course, Colm Murphy Doherty.

Jake O'Kane Doherty. And Neil Delamere Doherty. CHEERING AND

APPLAUSE. And our special guest tonight is a columnist, author and

top-class comedian. He's been on loads of shows and telly and radio,

including the Mark Steel Lectures. The Mark Steel Revolution. And the

Mark Steel Solution. If only I could remember his name. All right, that's

right, Mark has a superb Radio Four series called Mark Steel's In Town,

where Mark tells jokes about a specific town or city. And lucky old

Mark, he's got two new episodes to do. One about Derry, and one about

Londonderry. Please welcome Mr Mark Steel!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. What's our first question? Yes? Who

do you blame for Richard Haass having to come over and sort out all

our problems? Yes, poor old Richard Haass. He's a hugely experienced

American diplomat. He wanted to try and sort out something easy like

Syria, or Israel and Palestine. But God love him, he got flags! Haass is

an American, so we consider him neutral. Well, we will do until we

find out whether he's a prod or a taig! Richard says he wants the

Northern Ireland public to be involved in the political process.

Northern Ireland public to be No, Richard, you see, they have been

involved in the political process. Rioting, marching and burning down

Orange halls. What we need to do is stop the public being involved! But

who can be blamed for Richard Haass who had to come over and sort out

our problems? Absolutely 100% agree. He wants to involve the public. The

public are the last people that should be involved. There should be

some sort of vetting process. I'm sure there must be some sort of it.

You can't just allow any numpty in there. I guess he's an experienced

diplomat. Have you heard him speak? He's a very, proper deep voice

talking. Impressive. The man is an expert in everything. (DEEP VOICE)

He's got that voice. This is going to work, people. And he's got

numpties from here arriving and going in, I'll tell you what the

problem is now! He's going to have talks. It's going to be at him.

That's what it's... There's going to be loads of people going... Here,

now... There'll be a translator behind him like the UN. He'll have

one of these things on. Some guy going, oh, this boy is not happy

here at all now. Something to do with flags. I've no idea now.

Wouldn't trust him, anyway. Look at the state of him, you know? An

American diplomat going, what is a Gobnascale?! What's a Gobnascale?

It's... It's a very beautiful sounding place, isn't it? Why not

come to Gobnascale?! I think it's probably on a par with Strabane. At

a guess? I haven't been to either. It's bizarre. He's going to ask for

public input. I imagine it's going to be some sort of Dragons' Den

format. Richard Haass sits there with a load of money. And people

arriving in with a suitcase. You know the way eejits come up the

stairs carrying stuff. Here's my solution for the flag issue! To you,

this might look like an ordinary piece of stick, but it's not! This

is a flagpole! And what belongs on a flagpole is a flag! "I'm out". He's

living in the Europa Hotel. He's going to live in the Europa Hotel in

Belfast for three months. He's Alan Partridge! That's who's in charge of

this! That's partly what fascinates people about this, he's staying in

the Europa Hotel. Because the Europa Hotel is something that as an

outsider, I can say unites Catholics and Protestants, because there's a

catchphrase in Belfast, isn't there? When you mention the Europa Hotel,

and they go, that's the most bombed hotel in Europe. Really, really

proud. And as if there was ever much competition like. Maybe at some

point when the Yugoslav civil war was going on. And there's a place in

Srebrenica catching up, get the IRA, give them a few more dollars. But I

was mentioning this in a show that I was doing, There was a woman from

Belfast in the audience. And I said, the Europa Hotel, they always go on

about it's the most bombed hotel in Europe. And a Belfast woman went,

the world! Also, as an outsider, Europe. And a Belfast woman went,

this is a thing, honestly, I just sort of was looking, and think I

better have some sort of fleeting glance at Northern Ireland politics.

I had no idea that Paisley is 86 or something! I had no idea he was that

old. He must walk into an empty room now and go, what did I come in here

for?! He came in here because that is where he always came in and it

was tradition and he will continue to walk in there for as long as

possible! That's why the Parades Commission... I find it very

difficult, because I saw that one of the loyalists today was saying,

well, the thing is, we do these parades because that is our culture

and our tradition. Now, that seems a strange argument to me to say, well,

we're entitled to march straight through an estate of people we can't

we're entitled to march straight stand, intimidating and threatening

them, because we've done it for hundreds of years. But sure there's

no fun going anywhere else. To be honest. All the people living there

would miss them! They'd be there on the 12th morning, going are they on

their way? They're not here yet! Something's happened! I'm ready to

be offended here! What's going on? I got the bus early to come and get

offended! Richard Haass, you know what it is? It's the whole thing is

so bizarre! He's like Santa. Basically, he's hauled up there, and

everybody goes in and tells them what they want. That's what it is.

Martin McGuinness comes in, oh, I want a jumper! And a Scalextric? And

Gerry Kelly can jump at the front. And can I have a united Ireland?

Have you been a good boy? Are we talking about the '70s? No. OK, I

have been a good boy. And who's next? Ian Paisley. Junior is in the

background just ignoring stuff, just looking through the presses for

receipts. -- the presence. Peter Robinson walks in and he's just

about to get on Santa's lap. His bottom is about to touch the thighs

of Santa, and then, Naomi Long comes in and just steals his seat. The

thing that gets me, the timetable. They've said now that seriously even

Richard Haass is saying the timetable is just a little bit

tight. He's to sort out flags. He's to sort out parades. And he's to

sort out the past. He's not a Time Lord! If he does this, if he pulls

this off, the next day, he's going to go out, part the North Sea! And

turn water into Buckfast for the whole of Belfast! It'd be great if

he was a Time Lord and he was Doctor Who, because just the idea of Martin

McGuinness going into what was Who, because just the idea of Martin

formerly a police box would be quite interesting! I have a solution. If

Dr Haas is listening. Genuinely, all parades, all parades of all sides

happen. But, the people who live along the route have to decide the

style of walking. This is good, isn't it? Can you imagine Ardoyne

and loads of angry nationalists shouting, and then just Nelson

McCausland just moonwalking by them! Garvaghy Road, Edwin Poots or

something? Just nationalists shouting, do it! Work the shoulders!

You have to sashay! And he is just walking down like that! The jazz

hands point to the sky and point to the ground! They should allow all

parades, but on one day. And it all happens on the same day. On the same

route. Is that not the 12th? Every single parade. So you have got all

your loyal orders, you have Paddy's Day. You have gay rights. You've got

everything. All on one day. That would be a spectacular event! There

would be one person watching it, because everybody else would be in

the parade! How come up here they sorted it out? The Apprentice Boys,

the parade! How come up here they I was sort of baffled. Up here, they

have got it also sorted out. The Apprentice Boys march every year.

There's no trouble. Because they're terrified. The Apprentice Boys.

Don't look left. Don't look right. It's all Fenians. Just keep

marching. Don't look left. Don't look right. Stay on the wall. Don't

get off the wall. Don't get off the wall! Keep going. Maybe some wee

bullies! I want to get home! Come On! It's a big tourist place now

though, isn't it? It's as if Derry has said we have so many marvellous

things that we could come in to look at. We've got the site of the siege

and the site of the battle. And the site of a massacre. Bring the

family. And if you want, you can see where Amelia Earhart crashed her

plane! Derry, so good you couldn't get out of it! The murals, as well,

they are spectacular. Very poignant and so on. But it reminded me of, I

did a joke when I came here a long time ago. And the joke is ruined

now. I never anticipated why the joke would be ruined. I said, well,

the graffiti over here's just extraordinary. It's not like London

at all. In London you just get graffiti. Someone will put bollocks

with bollocks spelt wrong. That's it. But here, you have got all this

spectacular... You've got this city of Rolf Harrises running around.

D'you know what it is yet?! A guy from the UVF with a little Armalite

rifle. And I thought, maybe one day that joke will be ruined for

historical reasons. I never realised that joke will be ruined for

it would be because Rolf Harris would be taken in! Never occurred to

me! Can you see what it is yet? GROANING.

Too far. That gives that a whole new context, doesn't it?! The Haass

thing has happened because the Unionists are disaffected. They're

very angry at the moment, and you think, why are they? Because some of

the polls coming out now, there was a poll the other day, saying that

only 2.6% of Nationalists want a united Ireland now. Yes. Nobody

only 2.6% of Nationalists want a likes you, Neil! I don't think it's

only 2.6% of Nationalists want a based solely on my appearances on

The Blame Game! But I think it's the way that the question was phrased.

It's do you want a united Ireland is now? Presumably, they stopped these

people in the street. You know, and they're going what, now? I have to

people in the street. You know, and go to work. If we have a united

Ireland, I won't have work to go to! Do I have to change? Am I still

roaming on the phone? There's bigger Do I have to change? Am I still

questions here. What's going on with that? Another poll said that the

Queen is now more popular with Catholics than Martin McGuinness. Is

that right? Yes. The Queen is much more popular than Martin McGuinness.

That's weird. But she's good at that. She's a people person. PR.

People person. She's up there... (AS THE QUEEN) What do you do? Where do

you live? Martin knows all of that. Yes indeed last week Martin

McGuinness and Peter Robinson flew to New York in a joint mission to

try and sell Northern Ireland. The two men presented a completely

United front until they went to two men presented a completely

passport control and said they came from two different countries.

Martin McGuinness is of course the only man who makes airport security

more nervous when he tells them, yes, he packed the bag himself.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE. So, what is our next question

tonight? Who do you blame for poor politicians? Yes, Ian Paisley Jr is

the most expensive MP in the UK, claiming over £230,000 in expenses.

The expenses have been described as outrageous by the public and as,

well, not that much really by ex-BBC executives. Paisley says, one of the

reasons he costs so much is because he talks a lot in Parliament. Well

then, shut up and save us some money! But who can we blame for poor

politicians? McDevitt was the one. McDevitt, the SDLP one. He got

caught and he was very emotional on TV. His wee lip and all was going.

I'm going to have to get a real job! But, everyone was saying, this is a

new departure, there is the politician taking responsibility. He

got caught out, he was paying his wife, he was on the Policing Board

paying his wife. And this is a new thing, everyone was thinking, no,

Trevor Lunn, who is also on the policing board! This is Trevor Lunn,

you couldn't write this, who also was paying his wife £16,000 a year

expenses, as a researcher. Now, see when it says for politicians, and

everyone else, up to, most of us think up to. For an MLA, give me it

all! Right? So this journalist said to him, "What qualifications does

your wife have? And he says, "I'm not a big fan of qualifications."

Pity, then, that ease the Education spokesperson for the Alliance Party!

Do you know the way I just fixed the whole parades problem a few minutes

ago? Oh, yes. I've just fixed expenses problem as well. Nepotism.

Conall McDevitt should pay Trevor Lunn's wife. Trevor Lunn's wife

should pay Conall McDevitt's wife. Wife Swap. APPLAUSE.

It is amazing. There are a large number of MLAs who employ family

members, mainly wives, and I think Trevor paid his wife £16,000 for

advice. My wife gives me advice for nothing! 16 grand!

He's gone, McDevitt goes, and who comes in in his place? What do you

call him from UTV? Fearghal McKinney. You'd think the

unionists would have taught the SDLP, don't employ an ex-UTV

presenter! Are you insane?! We'd better hold our breaths if Frank

Mitchell ever gets the sack, Sinn Fein are going to be sitting waiting

for him like that outside the front doors. Wee Frankie is going to be

straight in there. Oh, my God!

No, Frank is definitely DUP. Why do you think it always rains in

Catholic areas? Because of all this stuff, they are

all getting caught out with paying family members, and a lot of wives

being employed as "researchers." You can't do it any more, as they're

getting caught out. So they're going to have to let them go. That's going

to be an awkward conversation, isn't it? Sitting down with your wife to

sack her! "Right, love, you've put in a lot of work here." She's just

sitting there going, "Yeah, mm-hm. Really? Is that right? I think not."

Ken Maginnis, I like Ken Maginnis, that was a good one. Road rage, Ken

Maginnis got road rage. He was very annoyed and it was a conspiracy by

MI5, CIA, the Pope, everybody was involved in this conspiracy against

Ken. And he was interviewed outside. Now, he's been done for road rage. "

I didn't get road rage! I didn't have it!" It makes you proud of the

politicians we have! Mairtin O'Muilleoir as well, when he

went to open Woodvale Park in North Belfast. He went up to open this

park and all the Loyalists turned up and attacked him! They only turned

park and all the Loyalists turned up up because they heard the word

"marching" in the park. And they thought.

Thank you, thank you very much for that. Yes, indeed, everybody is

getting involved in politics. Jeremy Clarkson says he might stand for

election as an MP. Clarkson is a smug, self-opinionated bigot. He

might make it as an MP, but if he wants to be an MLA, he's a shoo-in.

So what is our next question tonight? Yes, the next question is,

who do you blame for bad education? Yes, in Northern Ireland, we

scrapped the 11+. But only we could we take a terrible Exam like the

11+, scrap it, and replace it with two exams, a Protestant one and a

Catholic one. Yes, our schools are segregated, even our teachers are

trained separately. Well, you don't want any of that Catholic geography

or Protestant history, do you?! And there are plans now to raise the

school starting age to six years old. Educators everywhere say it's

better for the child's development and parents everywhere are saying,

"Oh, no, another two bloody years!" But who can we blame for bad

education? Why bother sending them to school?

Ever? It's a waste of time. It is a waste

of time. There's a wee fella in, where is it? Bangor. Seven A-levels.

Seven A*s at A-level. And not Mickey Mouse stuff, not Media Studies, none

of that. No, no. I'm talking about real Maths, Higher Maths, Physics,

Chemistry. And he applied to Oxford and Oxford knocked him back! What

more can he do?! Levitate? What more can the kid do? And that's what he

got. Harvard took him on a can the kid do? And that's what he

scholarship, so Now he'll have the benefit of coming back and employing

whatever upper-class little Shi'ite got his place in Oxford. But it's

got to the stage now there is no way to discern who is actually bright.

When I was a kid, if you got a B, you were a genius! Do you remember

that? If there was a kid in the class got a B, they used to bring

him out, the paper would come and take pictures of him.

In fairness, when you were a kid, the pictures were not like that,

they were more like that! Knock out these funny degrees, by

the way, too. Knock them off, all these Mickey Mouse. Design. There

the way, too. Knock them off, all was a wee girl done a degree in

Cushion Design. Cushion Design! Designing cushions. I did a gig and

I asked her, "What do you do?" "I'm finishing a four-year degree in

Cushion Design." Four years? How does it take four years?

I don't know, but she was there! I didn't even know what to say to her

after that. You just go... That's it.

It's like PE. Why do they do PE You just go... That's it.

degrees? How difficult is it? Is this why in Northern Ireland,

there is maybe not a PE degree and Is this why in Northern Ireland,

that is how you managed to lose to Luxembourg?

ALL: Ooh! All right. This is a Derry audience,

the chances of you being actually offended by that joke are very, very

slim. Exactly.

slim. They are the concerned citizens.

They thought, "We should be offended by this. Oh, wait a minute,

everybody from Derry plays for the by this. Oh, wait a minute,

Republic anyway." Exactly. And even if you don't, you can't

lose to Luxembourg and not expect other people to mention it. Whatever

you do, don't mention the Luxembourg game.

Of course, it means that England are worse than Luxembourg because

England lost to Northern Ireland. worse than Luxembourg because

Oh, yeah, but... CHEERING.

Pick a side! This is why they sorted all the

stuff out. "Oh, you can't do that! This is why they sorted all the

Oh!" Panto crowd, that's what they are.

Oh!" Panto crowd, that's what they I love it when the Scottish get like

this, don't they? "Well, you know, you English, you go off to your

World Cup and you think you're going to win and you get excited, and you

get knocked out in the first week, and you have to come home and watch

the rest of it at home with us! Ha-ha-ha! I'm only joking!" A year

to the day, there's a vote on Scottish Independence.

A year to the day? Yes. A year to the day. They were

talking about, they are already thinking about their Olympic team.

A Scottish Olympic team. For the next Olympics, if it goes if

it passes, they will be independent, so they will have their own team.

There are boys in Glasgow going, "I stand a chance! Fantastic!" Imagine

the athletes! "Got to make my mind up whether

that'll be cycling or rowing, there!" HE COUGHS. "Which one can

you smoke at? Rowing, I'll do that." "100m is only ten seconds, I can

stop a couple of times for a wee snoot and still win that, all right!

Bolt will be retired by then, so he will." "Relay! Gie' us a stick, man,

let's go!" I'd like to distance myself from my two Friends who are

slagging Off Glasgow, the hardest city in the world!

The only think named after Glasgow, genuinely not slang, is the Glasgow

Coma Scale, which is a genuine medical scale. If the only thing

named after your town is degrees of unconsciousness! I don't know how it

goes, "All right, not bad, deed!" So what's our next question tonight?

Yes, who do you blame for wasting the courts' time? Yes, Health

Minister Edwin Poots is taking legal action to try and stop the extension

of gay adoption rights to Northern Ireland. Yes, let's be honest, we're

not great on gay rights here, are Ireland. Yes, let's be honest, we're

we? In other parts of the world, the issue is whether gay people should

be allowed to marry or allowed to adopt. Here, the issue is whether

gay people should be allowed! And the answer is usually no. And of

course gay people should be allowed to adopt. I mean, why should they

miss out on the crushing misery and expense of raising ungrateful brats?

Daddy's only joking, kids! I'm not. But who can we blame for wasting the

courts' time? Oh, Edwin. Edwin, he is concerned,

isn't he? You can understand his concern. You can't let gay people

and unmarried people start adopting children. Who knows what those

children will grow up and start children. Who knows what those

believing! Weird stuff like, the Earth is 4,000 years old, or it was

invented by a God, who lives in the sky, over seven days. You know,

weird sheet like that! He is very concerned about this stuff because

apparently, if this happens, it's going to turn Northern Ireland into

some sort of gay paradise, some sort of homosexual hotbed or something. I

think we deliberately try and wind Edwin up and say that Derry is all

in it. Just mad into it. And next year, at the Culture Festival,

They're going to have the Gay Pride and the Fleadh together. Right? And

it's going to be called Sodom and Begorrah.

People of sound character, no matter what their sexuality, let them

qualify to adopt children. Here is a list of people who shouldn't be

allowed to adopt children. One, people who wear pyjamas outside

their house. Two, people who use the words "going forward." Three, people

who leave their fog light on when words "going forward." Three, people

there's no feckin fog! Four, Woody Allen.

Edwin has also spent money ensuring that the ban on gay men giving blood

has continued in Northern Ireland as well. The blood transfusion thing as

well. Which is kind of a bit strange. They do ask very strange

questions on the form if you do give blood. Like, "Have you ever paid for

sex using money or drugs?" Does 12 Bacardi Breezers count?

Just time for our quickfire round. I will read you various newspaper

headlines and I want you to be quicker than a Northern Ireland fan

leaving Luxembourg! The Magnificent Six. Cowboy made redundant.

Paisley Junior tops expenses. That's my boy! APPLAUSE.

Paisley Junior tops expenses. That's I want your baby.

Buy me dinner first. That one goes out to Edwin Poots, by the way!

Do lobsters have the secret of eternal life?

Nah, they're just giving it all that. Secret of eternal life. Secret

of eternal life. Pensioner who punched dog jailed.

Now he's someone's bitch. Parking ticket for dead man.

Unusual wreath for a traffic warden's funeral.

Traffic warden in the audience! 30 kilograms of cocaine in baby

bump. They're going to call it Charlie.

That's it, that's the end of the show. Please show your appreciation

to our panel, Colin Murphy, Mark Steel, Jake O'Kane and Neil

Delamere! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.

I'm Tim McGarry. Until next week, don't blame yourselves, blame each

other. Goodbye!