Episode 1 The Blame Game

This programme contains some strong language.

Hello!

Hello, and welcome to The Blame Game,

the show with more laughs than alcoholic drinks

at a DUP retirement party.

I'm Tim McGarry, and our regular panellists are, of course,

Colin Murphy, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And our special guest tonight

won the Leicester Square Comedian of the Year,

and the Amused Moose Laugh-Off Award.

You've seen him on the John Bishop Show,

and he's about to fly out to Australia

to be a regular on ITV2's I'm a Celebrity...

Get Me Out Of Here NOW!

Please welcome the fabulous Funmbi Omotayo!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Funmbi's full name is actually

Olufunmbi Adedeji Oluwatosin Omotayo,

better known as the man airlines love to see coming!

One letter out of place on its flight details

and that's 100 quid to you, mate!

And a special hello tonight to Peter Robinson.

Yes, Peter is retiring

and will now spend more time at home, doing normal things.

The Muslim man who normally goes to the shop for him

is said to be delighted.

Peter is retiring because he wants to spend more time with his Nama...

Family! Sorry, family!

Not Nama. No, no, no.

Peter, can I just say that, unlike a lot of the lying,

cynical politicians who pretend that they're sorry to see you go,

the comedians of Northern Ireland will genuinely miss you.

Still, we'll always have Irisgate.

Now, on with the show!

The audience ask the questions and our panel provide

some very unreliable answers, so what is our first question?

"Who's to blame for Tim McGarry

"wearing an old crappy T-shirt for the radio show,

"and dressing like a Burton's dummy for TV?"

Says Frank in Limavaddy.

Frank, stand up. Let's see what you're wearing!

"Who's to blame for my husband being so good in bed?"

She gave her name and all. Gemma McClure...

Is it written in a man's handwriting?

So, what's our first question tonight?

"Who do you blame for Northern Ireland's fresh start?"

Now, I don't want to blow our own trumpet,

but there were ten weeks of intensive talks, and nothing.

Three days after the first radio broadcast of The Blame Game,

and suddenly there's an agreement.

After our first show, the SDLP got a new leader,

and now the DUP are changing leader.

And if anyone from Sinn Fein is watching, getting a new leader

is something normal political parties do all the time(!)

Under the Fresh Start agreement,

£160 million of extra funding is going to the police.

Great news for the chip shops of Northern Ireland.

So, the crisis is over but who can we blame for our fresh start?

It's never over!

The crisis here is never over.

We live in a continual crisis.

It's so bad, we have invented a new phrase - crisis fatigue.

I'm just sick of it! I'm sick of it!

It started at the start of the year with welfare cuts.

They could have been separated apart.

DUP... DUP? "Oh, yes, bring them all in!

"We have no working class. Bring them all in. That's fine!"

There's wee Marty, "None! Ever! Never! Not in a thousand years.

"Can never have any cuts." Two murders in Belfast.

Chief constable turns up on TV.

He's going, "Yes, there were IRA members involved

"but the IRA ceasefire still stands."

What?!

Then he panics, and arrests anybody he can find, right?

Just anyone who watched Spotlight from the night before.

Arrested everybody who was on Spotlight.

Bobby Storey, the chairman of Sinn Fein in Northern Ireland,

was arrested, and Bobby, you may remember,

made a wonderful speech when Gerry Adams was arrested last year.

They all get arrested every year. So, Gerry was arrested.

When Gerry was arrested last year, Bobby, on the Falls Road,

in the mode of Martin Luther King,

and I quote Bobby's speech.

"How dare they...

"How dare they touch our leader?!"

Two days in Antrim Serious Crime,

he's brought out to a press conference. Changed Bobby!

Now it's, "The chief constable thinks that the IRA

"is like a caterpillar,

"but we know it has become a butterfly and flown away!

"Flap-flap! Flap-flap!"

I don't know if he's in the IRA or not,

but they should have drug-tested him there and then!

So, of course, Mike Nesbitt sees a chance.

He sprints to the exit in Stormont

before wee Robinson's got a chance to put his runners on.

Robinson's sitting there, going, "That's what we do."

Is Robinson caught?

No! Not Peter!

He's like a Bond super-villain.

He's sitting in his office, stroking Arlene Foster!

Doesn't he? He's stroking Arlene.

So, he puts Arlene in charge.

He steps aside, doesn't resign. Puts Arlene in charge.

He says it's his gatekeeper. It wasn't a gatekeeper.

It was guard dog!

His last words to Arlene were "stay", "sit", "good girl",

"sit, sit, stay".

Cos Arlene said her job there

was to make sure the Fenians didn't get at the money.

Arlene was there... "Ar-rr-rrgh! "Arr-rrgh!"

Wee McGuinness comes over. "Argh-argh-ay!"

"She bit me, Gerry. She bit me! She bit me, Gerry."

So, Theresa Villiers...

"I'd Rather Be Anywhere Than Here" Theresa Villiers brings in a panel

to investigate the paramilitaries,

even though we have MI5, MI6, the chief constable sitting there.

No, she brings in a panel who, six weeks later, come back and report.

Shocked! SHOCKED to the core, I was!

Turns out them young, shaven-headed, tattooed, steroid-enhanced young men

driving top-of-the-range cars in loyalist areas

aren't community workers!

They're not community workers!

They're paramilitary drug dealers! Who knew(?)

Worse! WORSE!

The IRA haven't gone away!

Gerry Adams is sitting at home going,

"Well, I could have told them that for nothing."

So, Cameron gets browned off.

Cameron called McGuinness and Robinson over to Downing Street

and sat them down and said, "Right, chaps. OK. Right, OK.

"You read in the papers what I did to the pig.

"Well, I'll do the same to you if you don't agree!"

That and £500 million! That's all it took.

That and £500 million!

"Go away, behave, there's your money. Go away!"

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Are you all right, now you've got that off your chest?

This may be comedy for you, but it's therapy for me!

It's like the fucking Nolan Show...

So, the other point about that is,

the look on Funmbi's face! He's going, "What the..."

Ohh... You don't want to know, Funmbi, you don't want to know.

-Fresh Start...

-Yeah?

-Fresh Start sounds like a panty liner!

It does.

I don't care what anybody says.

I have images of Peter Robinson and Martin McGuinness

in white trousers, rollerblading, just going,

"Mother Nature, we don't have time for you - we've got Stormont to run!

"Mmm!

"Fresh start for politicians who LEAK to the media!"

Does any of this make any sense to you? Have you understood...?

Because it's your first time in Northern Ireland.

People here don't realise sometimes the rest of the UK

doesn't give a flying...about us.

You don't know any of our politicians.

-Do you like your own politicians?

-I just wanted to let you guys know

we definitely don't give a flying...

I'm not into politics myself

but, yeah, this is an interesting conversation.

We should move on!

That's... That...

That is exactly, word for word... What Funmbi just said there

is exactly what Theresa Villiers said at the meeting.

Thank you for that. So, what's our next question tonight?

"Who do you blame for stereotypes?"

Yes, I'm afraid, in Northern Ireland,

we often indulge in sectarian stereotypes.

Not all of us, obviously.

I mean, Catholics don't.

But only because they're too lazy.

But who can we blame for stereotypes?

Finally, something I care about!

OK.

I think everyone's to blame for stereotypes, right?

I'm from London, and I get boxed to be Nigerian,

cos I've got a traditional name and I'm black,

so people tend to think I'm Nigerian,

but my allegiance just wavers, depending on what's going on,

to be honest with you. I'll give you guys an example.

When England got knocked out of the World Cup in the group stages,

and Nigeria advanced, I'm Nigerian, right?

Last year's outbreak of Ebola...

I'm British! So, you know...

You just can't...

Yeah...

So, you know, stereotypes just don't work sometimes.

The police, that's another example.

They tend to use stereotypes to stop people.

I have had good moments with the police force.

I don't want to make it seem like they're all bad.

I had a flat tyre once, and the police pulled up.

At first I'm thinking, "Oh, my God! I really hope they don't think

"I'm trying to steal this tyre!"

But they were very helpful.

They said, "Do you need some help, sir?" I said, "Yes, please."

And they helped me change the tyre, and we had a moment, you know?

But just as they were about to leave,

one of the officers just had to ruin it, right?

Cos I said, "Hey, guys, thank you so much."

And he said, "Yeah! Tell your friends we're not all that bad."

I was like, "Really(?)

"How about you tell YOUR friends WE'RE not all that bad!"

Yeah!

You know, I was so upset cos he ruined a moment, you know?

I wanted to give this officer a piece of my mind,

but I didn't have insurance so I said,

"Yeah, I'll...I'll pass that message on!"

Yeah. I think we're all to blame for stereotypes.

But sometimes they work.

Like during the Olympics, for instance.

I remember I was watching the 100 metres final,

which is my favourite event, and I was supporting Usain Bolt.

I told my white friend this before the event, he gets very offended.

He was like, "Why are you supporting Usain Bolt?

"He's not British or Nigerian!

"You only support him cos he's black."

I was like, "Dude, it's the 100 metres final.

"They are all black!"

That's how you decide to back somebody in the 100 metres.

-How do you decide?

-In what?

-Say, in the 100 metres race.

Cos I'll tell you how my mother does it.

She looks at the 100 metres, the line-up of the 100 metres.

There's no Irish lads, oddly enough(!)

So she'll sit there and wait and wait

and she'll go, "Him!" And I say, "Him? Why him?"

"The fella who blessed himself!"

That's what my mother does.

Sometimes, they don't work, because...

I'm from a rough part of London, called Hackney.

It's very "ghetto". But I am not ghetto myself.

People assume, cos I'm big, that I might be ghetto,

but I'm not, cos I smile too much!

That just ruins the whole experience.

Especially when you're trying to be hard.

All of a sudden, a little...

It never works. So, yeah... It doesn't happen.

In the England-France match,

that was when everybody sang La Marseillaise,

that was very good, that was brilliant,

but then, you would have thought they would have let them win,

do you know what I mean?

After all they've been through, you'd think, "Just let them win!"

England went, "No, we're going to bloody win. Wa-a-ay!"

And you know...argh...

You were saying earlier, we were talking about this...

I thought, not only did they win

but they were celebrating the goals as well.

Have we forgotten what's going on?

The one time that we all wanted England to lose, they won.

-No, no, no.

-No, no, no.

Wrong show, wrong show. I do apologise.

What is going to happen in Northern Ireland

if they play Ireland in the European?

I'm going to be torn. I will admit, I will be torn.

Torn limb from limb.

-You know what I mean.

-It's an all-Ireland final!

But we do have some racism here.

There is a lot of crap now about refugees coming here,

and somebody in Derry started a petition

to stop Eamonn McCann...

Eamonn McCann, the socialist politician,

wants to make refugees welcome in Derry,

and somebody has a petition to stop them coming here.

Imagine that! Someone coming over the border into Northern Ireland

and taking one of your jobs. I mean...

I think it's great and should be welcomed.

I kind of sympathise with some people because I'm from Hackney

and it's gentrified now, so you come to Hackney now,

it's all the white people walking around freely,

and it's beautiful.

I came out the station the other day

and this white guy offered me drugs.

Yeah!

It threw me off completely.

He just came up, "Hey! Do you want some weed?"

I was really offended at first,

because I was thinking look at him thinking,

"Look at these white boys coming into our neighbourhoods,

"taking our jobs.

"I am going to have to vote for Ukip."

How desperate do you have to be to flee Syria,

get in a wee boat, go across that sea,

risk your life, get to Italy,

travel through Europe, get to France

and then they send you to Derry?

As if these people haven't got enough to cope with.

They are from a war-torn area,

they've been discriminated against for most of their lives,

and now they have to welcome people from Syria.

Thank you very much for that.

It's true, Funmbi is part Nigerian and part English,

and we in Northern Ireland know how that feels.

For instance, I was delighted to see the Northern Ireland football team

qualify for the Euros,

but I actually went to Dublin to see the Republic on Monday night,

and I did that for deeply held ideological reasons -

I got the tickets for nothing.

So - "Who's to blame for the Christmas market

"having the same stalls every year?"

Wilhelm from Holland...

Welcome!

How's business?

The next question tonight -

"who do you blame for reckless photographers?"

Yes, the Environment Agency warned people not to take selfies

in front of upcoming storms.

Don't panic. The type of people who need to be warned

not to take selfies in front of a force 10 hurricane

probably can't work the camera on their phones anyway.

Hurricanes now all have names.

Next year, we might actually get Hurricane Jake.

Sounds like that will be the miserable one.

But who can we blame for reckless photographs?

-First of all, have you ever been in a hurricane?

-No.

I was in a manual hurricane, shall we say?

I was in a wind tunnel recently, for a programme I had to do.

-Sorry.

-Don't say "manual hurricane", I know!

I know where "manual hurricane" was going.

So, I was in this wind tunnel and the insurance company went mental,

and they were given all this information I had to do.

"Oh, he has to wear earplugs and put on goggles,

"and tie his willy to his leg" and all this sort of stuff.

And they were right, because everything flaps at 90mph.

Like, EVERYTHING.

Gary Lineker would be beaten to death by his own ears

in a hurricane.

It's unbelievable.

I said to my auntie, she is about 70,

and she went, "I'd love to go into a wind tunnel in force 12,

"it'll be amazing." She has bingo wings.

She'd sound like a hummingbird.

During Storm Barney - that doesn't even sound right, Storm Barney -

where people were told not to take selfies,

the gardai were on Twitter and it was brilliant.

Have you ever followed the garda on Twitter?

-Didn't feel the need.

-No? OK.

You should be able to follow the police, it'd be hilarious.

They are really, genuinely funny.

They wrote on Twitter, I wrote it down,

"He's big and he's called Barney,

"but he's not purple and cuddly. Stay safe." Twice.

I swear to God it gets better than that

cos I got another update

and then they had these four or five lines written...

I thought they were a bit weird.

And then I realised it was safety advice

but it was in the style of the lyrics of the Barney song.

I swear to God, they had,

# I watch you, you watch me

# Get home to your family

# When you watch the road and avoid a thing or two

# Put on your lights and they'll avoid you too. #

That's the guards!

The naming of the storms thing,

-I don't like this.

-There's Nigel and Steve.

Nigel?! What the...

What they did for the naming of the storms,

they had the Met Office in England,

because they're in charge of the whole thing,

but because the storms are mostly from the Atlantic

and the south-west, prevailing winds,

so they hit Ireland first,

they thought, "The least we could possibly do

"is allow the Paddies to get involved."

So they had a little thing on social media

where people could offer names.

There are some Irish names in it.

Clodagh is in there.

-Orla.

-Orla is in there, yeah.

That's going to be a nightmare as well,

whenever Clodagh comes along,

because no-one in England will know how the hell to pronounce it.

-Clodica.

-Yeah. Clodig.

Cloduga.

Trying to make it more...

People in England who can't say "Roisin" really drive me crazy.

-"Ro-sheen."

-"Rosheen."

They make it more than it is.

-IN THEATRICAL VOICE:

-"Ro-sheen! It must be terribly glamorous.

"Ro-sheen! So lyrical!

"The Irish are so poetic.

"Ro-sheen!"

-IN NORMAL VOICE:

-And then you meet Roisin

and she's...

She's a big girl.

"My name's Roisin. How are you doing?

"Is there anywhere I can buy some onions?"

Thank you, thank you very much for that.

Now, if you bid like to ask the panel a question, just e-mail us

at [email protected]

So, what is our next question tonight?

"Who do you blame for social media making us unhappy?"

Yes, taking a week off social media can make you happier.

On the downside, when you are happy,

you want to tell everybody about it on Facebook.

Many people are stressed by social media

because everyone else seems to be much happier than they are.

Clearly, those people do not follow Jake O'Kane on Twitter.

But who can we blame for social media making us unhappy?

I read that if you are not on Facebook

or if you take a break from Facebook, then you become happier.

I thought, "Wow, I can be more unhappy than I am now."

I'm not on Facebook or any social media whatsoever.

I was on it for a year because you persuaded me to do it.

I did it for a year and then, exactly one year,

I got sick of looking at people's bloody cats and bloody ugly babies

so I left Twitter on New Year's Day about three or four years ago,

I left, and my last post on Twitter on New Year's Day,

I had had a couple of drinks,

and the last post on it was, "That's it, I'm out of here."

I deleted everybody that had befriended me, right?

Then, about four hours later,

I thought, "Shit, that sounds like a suicide note.

"I'll have to go back on

"and reassure the one person that was left.

"Spread the word, I'm fine, I didn't mean it."

The thing is, here is too small...

You don't need Twitter here.

You just need to ride around on a bike

and tell people what you're doing.

That's all... Just cycle round going,

"I'm going to have a jam sandwich when I go home!"

People will hear that and go, "He's having a jam sandwich

"when he gets home." "Who's having a jam sandwich?

"Your man off the television."

It will spread around and then, by the time you get home,

somebody'll go, "Are you having your jam sandwiches?"

It's just too small.

The emoticons, all the shorthand,

I don't like any of that.

"Emoji" is now word of the year.

It's now accepted by the Oxford English Dictionary.

Yeah. Oxford English Dictionary.

An emoticon... "Emoji" is going to be in it.

Where is that in the dictionary?

Is it in between "pile" and "shite"? Is that where you put it?

How is that...

I can't... I could...

HE GRUNTS

Colin, I think... I think maybe you don't like Twitter

because you find it hard to express yourself in 140 characters.

I'm a Facebook junkie, I am one of those guys.

I log into Facebook

and if I don't get a message or a notification, I feel quite lonely.

Then I message everybody and log out and then back in in an hour

and say, "Oh, my God, so many messages!"

That is how you work it.

What annoys me on Facebook is not people saying what good stuff

is happening in their life,

it's people who use it to look for, primarily, attention.

I know a woman, and her dog died, which was very sad,

but he was old and had a good life,

and she wrote a letter to her dog and posted the letter on Facebook.

"Dear Larry..." I don't know if the dog's name was Larry!

"Dear Larry, do you remember that time that I was really sad

"and you had a shit and we laughed about it?

"Do you remember that, Larry?"

No, Larry doesn't remember.

Larry is a dog, and he's dead. He's a dead dog.

Larry does not remember. He doesn't have a Facebook account,

he can't log on to look at your message, he doesn't speak English,

he can't read it, he can't read.

Even if he could read, you've written it in English,

you haven't written it in Dog.

If you'd written it in Dog -

"Rear Rarry, ro rou remember rat rime..."

That would be fine.

And...it's getting smarter,

that's the trouble with the internet.

-It's worrying, isn't it?

-Google can understand questions.

"What is the capital of France?" It'll go, "Paris."

But if you ask it quite a complicated question,

it can't understand it yet, but it's getting much quicker.

Now, I'll tell you when Google will have hit its peak -

when Google can understand your mother when she hits about 70.

Do you ever ring your mother?

She doesn't say hello, she goes, "Do you know who's dead?"

Do you ever get that?

"Do you know the woman down the back road with the face?"

"What?" "The woman with the face! She has a little dog."

"I don't know who you're talking about."

"The woman with the face, she's married to the fella with one eye."

"I don't know." "Her father was the butcher?" "Mary Mulligan?"

"Yes, Mary Mulligan. You know Mary Mulligan."

"I do know Mary Mulligan. She's dead?"

"No, she's the one who found the body."

"She found the body." "Who's dead, then?"

"Your granny is dead."

People need to stop using internet slang in real life as well.

Do not say "LOL". Unless you're an Orangeman, do not say "LOL".

I was at a gig and a comedian said to a girl on the front row,

"What do you do?" All these girls were nurses.

And then he said to the other girl, "Are you a nurse too?"

And she said, "Huh! Hashtag we wish."

She should have been punched in the face repeatedly.

It took me a while to get used to those three-letter words

because there were so many of them when they first came out.

I was flirting with a girl on Facebook

and she said, "I'm O-F-F," and I said, "What does that mean?"

She said, "I'm off."

Funmbi, if you ever get a tweet from here

and she goes, "I'm U-F-F,"

I would...

Apparently, the biggest threat here is not from criminals

in the traditional sense.

There was a report during the week

that said cyber attacks on Northern Ireland businesses

is the biggest threat to Northern Ireland business,

cyber attacks on these businesses.

Really? I don't...

Really?

Are there little home bakeries in Aughnacloy

that are going to be hacked?

"Quick, Jesus, close the internet down!

"They'll get the recipe for the sausage rolls! Close it.

"It's those ones in Ballymoney, that's what it is!"

"They are trying to steal a recipe to make gay cakes."

Thank you, thank you for that. Just time for our quickfire round.

I will read you various newspaper headlines

and I want you to be faster than Arlene Foster

arranging Peter Robinson's retirement do.

The West must wake up...

And sign on.

Rats suffer from insomnia...

Sweet dreams are made of cheese.

That'll be on the garda Twitter account.

Dana against same-sex marriage...

I thought she liked all kinds of everything.

Ryanair launch flights to Israel...

Hamas threaten to retaliate.

Greek politicians are angels...

They're lucky, ours are all still alive.

Where has Zac Efron been hiding his younger brother...?

In an Austrian cellar.

They don't have to be true.

Homophobe Avenue...

Nowhere near Queens.

Done in 60 seconds...

And the wife still isn't satisfied.

And finally, crackdown on social media pirates...

Especially Twitt-arr-arr!

Arr-rrr...

That's it, that's the end of the show.

Please show your appreciation to our panel - Colin Murphy...

..Funmbi Omotayo,

Jake O'Kane,

and Neil Delamere.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm Tim McGarry.

Until next time, don't blame yourselves, blame each other.

Goodbye.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE