Episode 2 The Blame Game

THE BLAME GAME NIG S080F/01 BRD000000

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

Hello.

Hello and welcome to The Blame Game,

the show that's even funnier than two drunk women in Comber.

LAUGHTER

I'm Tim McGarry and our regular exhibitionists are, of course,

Colin Murphy, Jake O'Kane

and Neil Delamere!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And our special guest tonight is a writer,

film buff and a brilliant stand-up comedian.

He is currently writing his own sitcom for Radio 4.

Please welcome the fabulous Josh Howie!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And what a week it's been, ladies and gentlemen.

Thanks to George Osborne's Autumn Statement,

Northern Ireland has 240 million quid

it didn't expect to have.

Yes, it's great news, as it means

angry Protestants can hang around the caravan at Twaddell Avenue

literally for ever.

LAUGHTER

Some people have accused Sinn Fein of economic illiteracy.

Nonsense. Sinn Fein have mates

who can take 26 million out of a bank

with just a bin lorry.

LAUGHTER

And, of course, we had emotional scenes

as DUP leader Peter Robinson bowed out.

Some people were in tears.

Now, whilst Peter got a very fond farewell from some of his colleagues,

he said one colleague was actually glad to see him go

and we have no idea

who that Ian Paisley Jr is.

LAUGHTER

Now, even though Peter is retiring, he says he's not the type of person

to sit at home with a blanket around his knees.

Of course not.

He'll use a flag.

LAUGHTER

Now, on with the show. The audience ask the questions,

and our panel will provide some very unreliable answers.

So what's our first question tonight?

Who do you blame for Jake O'Kane's silly attire?

LAUGHTER

-ALL:

-Ooh!

Harold!

LAUGHTER We feel your pain.

HE HUMS STEPTOE AND SON THEME TUNE

APPLAUSE

You dirty old man!

You look like Harold, or you look like some fella who'd run in

from the middle of Kerry, going,

-STRONG IRISH ACCENT:

-"There's fairies in the top field!"

LAUGHTER

"I warned you about this.

"I said that if you burn down the special fairy bus,

"they will come down and they will drag us down from the mountains

"and the women would have beards..."

"Run away!"

LAUGHTER

You have to reach an age

-to pull this look off.

-AUDIENCE:

-'Ey!

-And in ten years...

-Thank you. Thank you!

-LAUGHTER

-Thank you!

In ten years, you'll be there.

Glad to know we have visually empowered people in tonight.

LAUGHTER

Right, what's our first question tonight?

Who do you blame for old men becoming dads?

Yes, DUP councillor Tommy Jeffers

is to become a father at the age of 73.

Yes, it looks like Ulster

doesn't always say no.

LAUGHTER

And a survey said that couples who had sex once a week,

are the happiest.

If you have too much sex, apparently, you can get bored with your partner.

Which is why my wife finds me absolutely riveting.

LAUGHTER

But who can we blame for old men becoming dads?

Your wife's bored of me, though.

LAUGHTER

-ALL:

-Ooh!

LAUGHTER

It's a good news story, as far as I'm concerned.

It's nice to see a DUP councillor who doesn't pull out.

-LAUGHTER

-And, er, it's...

-LAUGHTER

-..it's...

APPLAUSE

73!

The important thing to remember here is his wife is not 73.

She's 45, which is still quite old.

And for...

-LAUGHTER ALL:

-Ooh!

Typical! Typical here!

Don't let him finish the sentence. Let's just jump in.

LAUGHTER

..which is quite old to be having a child, in this day and age.

It is. It's sort of... 40s, it's risky.

I wish them well, I do.

It's a tricky thing, you know?

73. He could be 74 by the time that child is born.

By the time that child is leaving home,

he'll be going into one.

-LAUGHTER

-Er...

if there are any still open.

-LAUGHTER

-And erm...

Er...

It's... Sex at 73.

That's got to be... Wow. That's not...

-LAUGHTER

-Phew.

There's nothing wrong with people having a sex drive at 73, you know?

But, yeah, she's way younger than him.

She's 45, 46. Wow, that's...

You don't want to be in bed with someone going,

-SHOUTING:

-"I said that's lovely!"

LAUGHTER

You're doing very well!

LAUGHTER

Your programmes will be on a minute.

LAUGHTER

It does change it, doesn't it? "Who's your daddy?

"I might know him."

LAUGHTER

And it's perfect for him, though, because he's 73 now, we think,

-so maybe when the baby is born, he's going to be 74.

-Yeah.

If you're DUP, that works out perfectly...

-Why?

-..with the son's age,

because when the son is 16, you're 90.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

True.

Very true.

73 is amazing. I'm actually...

I'm having a kid pretty soon.

Not today.

And, just a bit of advice for Tommy,

for people who've had kids before, they will know having children,

it's a lot harder on men...

-LAUGHTER

-And, erm...

You know, and I'm not saying it's easy for women,

the pregnancy is tough for ladies and...

cos you have to give up a lot of things during the pregnancy -

alcohol and soft cheese

and reason...

-LAUGHTER

-And...

you know, and then you've got the pain

and my wife is terrified of the pain.

And, in the end, she had to have an epidural

during the conception.

LAUGHTER

You know, I don't want to blow my own trumpet,

but I could.

LAUGHTER

But, yeah, I think the thing that's hardest for the pregnancy,

for a guy, is that, for the nine months, as a guy,

you better not say anything.

Like, you've got to keep your mouth shut,

because you can't contaminate the beautiful, innocent foetus,

with your evil...

-LAUGHTER

-Her words.

LAUGHTER

Normally, we argue.

My wife thinks I'm a bit of a control freak,

I read in her diary.

-LAUGHTER

-And...

Do you think, if Viagra was involved in this situation,

erm...

Let's ask him. Tommy?

Well, if, if... To...

-Ah, doesn't matter actually, just...

-LAUGHTER

It's just this image of the Viagra being taken,

in order for the flagpole to be erected.

If you were from the DUP,

would you insist on the flagpole being there all the time,

-or mainly only on designated days?

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

There's a story of a little baby that was found in New York.

-Oh, yeah. In a crib!

-A baby in the crib and it was found in the manger.

They just were putting the crib up and, er...

lunchtime, just this little baby appeared in the crib and,

apparently, the cleaner went running into the priest and the priest was

having his lunch, the cleaner went running in and went,

"Quick, quick! Baby in the crib! Baby in the crib!"

He came running out and he went, "Whoa, I wonder who owns this?"

-At no point did they think...

-MIMICS ANGELIC MUSIC

LAUGHTER

These are supposed to be religious people. They didn't immediately

think about it like that. They didn't. They immediately thought,

"Oh, there's something wrong here." And, you know... It's quite...

It's good that the crib hadn't...

They were just putting it up. It hadn't been there for a while,

cos that baby could have been there for a long time, with people going,

"It's very... Very lifelike this year, isn't it?"

LAUGHTER

"It moves around and everything. It's very good, very good.

"Anyway, let's go get some chips."

-LAUGHTER

-And just, you know...

I hope this doesn't take off and somebody just goes,

"I really need to get rid of a donkey."

LAUGHTER

Well, all I'm thinking is there could be some

OAPs in their mangers that would be better cared for than

in these nursing homes that just seem to close down and say,

"You know what? You have to get out by February."

And just clear them out. That's what happens in these things.

-You maybe didn't notice.

-I didn't. I missed this.

They got these letters two days ago, I think.

Four Seasons Nursing Homes are closing seven homes, I think?

Yeah, Four Seasons. It sounds like a fancy place, doesn't it?

"Where are you staying?" "I'm staying in the Four Seasons."

LAUGHTER

-I think four seasons is quite optimistic.

-It is.

-I think they're going to see two.

-LAUGHTER

-Yeah.

-See the survey about sex once a week?

You just know they asked the female first.

You just know that that thing has been put out.

"So, sex once a week, are you happy?

-IN WOMAN'S VOICE:

-"Yes, we're absolutely... Yes, wond...

"Aren't we, aren't we? Happy? Yes."

LAUGHTER

"Once a week's better than once a year, isn't it?

-"Isn't it, Sean?"

-LAUGHTER

-SLOW MALE VOICE:

-"Once a week's lovely. I love it once a week."

LAUGHTER

That survey also says that most people have sex at least once a week,

but some people were too busy to have sex even once a week.

You think, surely you can find two-and-a-half minutes?

LAUGHTER

Your wife's sitting at home going,

-IN WOMAN'S VOICE:

-"That's not funny. That's not funny!"

-LAUGHTER

-"That's not amusing.

"That's too close to the truth, Tim! That's not amusing."

It really doesn't matter how busy you are.

Even if you were, for instance, if your husband's running a country,

and you could, you know, you could find some time to, you know...

-Maybe go to a cafe, like?

-Maybe go to a cafe.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, and hang around and...

-LAUGHTER

..you know, meet somebody.

Put it in the diary. You put it in the diary. When you have kids,

you put it in the diary.

"It's half two on a Friday afternoon.

"Come 'ere, you. Come 'ere!"

LAUGHTER

"Put the dinner down. Come on, love."

LAUGHTER

Sorry, two things in this conversation. One...

LAUGHTER

One is this...

"Come 'ere, you. Come 'ere."

And the second thing is...

What are you doing having your dinner at half two

-on a Friday afternoon?

-LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

You really are going to a nursing home.

-No!

-You're that far away.

He doesn't get the dinner at half two.

She serves it at one o'clock

and she cuts it up for him between one and half two.

LAUGHTER

Cos he has to get back on the rag-and-bone run, that's why.

Here comes the plane...!

Dinner won't buy itself!

There was a woman bought some bananas in Iceland -

I didn't know you can buy bananas in Iceland, but...

You can, it's a big shop, big shop, North Belfast. You go in - Iceland.

-Iceland.

-Not in Iceland, in the supermarket, Iceland.

-ICELAND.

-I bet you 50p it's not Iceland.

-It's in Iceland.

-Who's an auld lad now? "ICELAND"...

I have to say it to him so as he'd understand. This was in Iceland.

-The shop or the country?

-No, the shop.

-That's what I said!

-Oh, for the love of...

-He said that!

-Didn't I say that?

-He said that.

He's trying to confuse me so I end up...

This might be an alien concept to you

but this is fresh fruit and vegetables.

Can you buy those in Iceland?

You can't freeze a...'ucking banana

without it going brown, right?

This woman apparently bought some bananas in Iceland -

the supermarket -

and she brought them home and there were a load of spiders in the box.

-Spider eggs.

-They came running out and they hatch

and apparently these spiders bite you, right?

And not only is it a wee bit sore - it also, if you're a man,

gives you an erection for four hours.

And it said in the paper that she fears the house is infested

with men with erections or with spiders.

That's the last thing you want to hear -

there could be guys thinking, you know, "Viagra, it's expensive",

and you know...get a wee spider.

You don't want to hear that, in the dark, of a bedroom - you don't want to hear...

# Incy wincy spider Climbing up the spout

# Down came the rain... #

You guys can't actually see behind the table, but...

Very method.

But they're fatal. They can also kill you.

They give you a four-hour erection and possibly kill you.

So you die and they can't close the coffin.

Thank you, thank you very much for that.

So, what's our next question tonight?

"Who do you blame for Christmas being too commercial?"

Yes, it's Black Friday, when people spend money they don't have

buying presents for people they don't like.

Commercialism has got completely out of hand.

In my day, we were happy with what we got -

a tangerine, a wooden hoop

and rickets.

It's funny cos it's true.

And after a visit to Belfast, Amanda Peet wrote a book

on what it's like to be Jewish at Christmas.

Of course, it's not true to say

that Jewish people don't get presents at Christmas.

I mean, I know one Jewish kid,

and he got gold, frankincense and myrrh.

But who can we blame for Christmas being too commercial?

Well, it's very fitting, isn't it? Black Friday.

It's been imported from America and it's...it's huge and, um...

People, like, get... I don't know if people

are going to be watching this show, to be honest.

They'll probably be getting in fist-fights to save £10 on a hoover or something -

which I did get.

And I hope my eldest son is very happy with it, but...

We have Hanukkah, which is...

So, there's a lot more presents for Jews -

and I talk about being Jewish, I like to talk about it

cos I like to use my comedy to break down negative Jewish stereotypes,

cos I hear there's a lot of money in that.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So there's eight days of Hanukkah, so that's a lot of presents there.

And also, I've got kids,

I'm a very proud father of two.

And the other one.

The eldest is six and I'm warming to him.

I'm worried that I project too much onto my kids,

especially the gay two-year-old.

And... And then I've got a third little, sort of...

He's a toddler now and I feel guilty with the third,

because I've run out of love.

The first comes along, they get the best of you

and the second gets what's left.

But the third, I'm on fumes, and I feel bad about it.

He seems like a nice guy and I feel guilty

because it's three boys, it's all hand-me-downs,

he's walking around, he's like a little baby hobo.

Every time I see him, I want to chuck him a couple of quid

and, you know..."Sort your life out, mate. Kick the bottle."

And just, I feel...

Because what I've done is, with all the presents -

I've bought all the presents now - is you tend to buy for the eldest,

thinking, "I'll buy the expensive stuff for the eldest

"and the younger ones get to use it",

but of course, that never happens, cos it always gets destroyed

and I feel bad about it.

We bought this copy - this isn't expensive -

but I bought this copy of Where's Spot?

Well, the eldest ripped out the last page, and it's like,

"What, I have to go and buy it again?

"No, no, I'm not... I'm going to adapt it."

So now, when I read it to the younger two, I've changed it

so it's become a story about the dangers of hiding.

So it's like, "Daddy, where's Spot?"

"That's what happens."

What about the whole furore as well about the prayer thing?

-The Lord's Prayer.

-Yes.

Or Our Father, to give it its correct name.

Oh, controversial!

Yeah, they want to show this thing in the cinema,

which basically seems to be the Protestant Angelus.

It's...various people saying a line of the Lord's Prayer.

We just call it the prayer.

What I love is the evangelicals here,

the evangelicals came on and said, "I don't know,

"I do not understand why anyone would be offended

"by the Lord's Prayer".

And you're sitting going,

"Yeah, cos religion's never caused any problems in Northern Ireland"(!)

Because there's two -

the first offence isn't going to be Muslims or Jews or Hindus,

it's going to be the ones sitting watching that, going, "Hold on, here - Seamus?

"That's the Protestant Our Father."

"That's that Protestant Our Father." Because the two different...

Yeah, that's because the Protestants have, like, the good bit at the end.

They love that. The Catholics stop...

The Catholics stop with "evil",

and there's nothing as funny as being at Mass

and there's a Protestant there.

And they forget themselves - we all stop, "..evil."

And they're... "For thine is the kingdom, the power..."

"I'll get my coat, I'll get my coat."

I think they're right, though. I think they're right about this.

See, if you show this Church of Ireland ad,

if it's successful, what's going to happen?

You'll get the Catholic Church, they'll go, "We need ads. That's what we need."

Then we'll get some sort of PR guy going "Got a campaign for you.

"Your Holiness, I've figured it out. We're going to have all the big messages of the Catholic Church.

"So you have to save yourself

"to have sex with somebody when you get married, right?

"So we're going to have a guy in an STD clinic, OK?

"STD clinic, he's going to get his results - 'chlamydia'.

"Then we have the line - 'Should have gone to Sex Savers.'

"Right?"

"Brilliant..."

Every faith would have to get a wee turn. That's...

See, that'll be the start of it.

Baptists singing, Hindus with the bells...

-Scientologists...

-Evangelicals clapping.

Free Ps shouting.

Quakers sitting in silence.

You'd be there for hours.

Jedi is now a religion as well, but they'd have to have one.

They would have one before Star Wars.

-No, they wouldn't - they'd have one before Mass.

-Oh.

-Oh...

Maybe that's the deal you should do -

if you allow a religious ad in a cinema,

the cinemas get to do trailers before Mass.

That...that would be brilliant!

Now you're cooking.

"From the producers that brought you Noah..."

That'd be brilliant.

You could change thuribles - you know, the smoke and everything?

You can make the lightsaber noise, go...

HE IMITATES LIGHTSABER

-Did you not do that when you were an altar boy?

-I did.

I used to gas them out every...

"Nnng-nnng-nnng...!"

I'm pretty sure that's not the way you were supposed to do it.

What would the clergy do?

"God, that altar boy is the campest little alter boy..."

Come on, you know this hymn -

# Young man... #

See Thought For The Day?

I'm sick to the back teeth listening to this on...

Every radio station in the world does a Thought For The Day.

"And now over to some idiot who speaks on a Sunday

"but has no idea who bad he sounds until he's on the radio."

And then it's some... "I was thinking the other day..."

And it's all metaphors and similes and allegories.

"I was buying an ice cream cone in the park the other day

"and I ordered from the man in the ice cream van what I wanted -

"as we all do, want things in life and ask for it -

"and I received a 99.

"It was a rather beautiful thing and initially,

"I was immensely happy with a 99, because I received what I'd wanted.

"But then, slowly, with the weather being so beautiful as it is today,

"the ice cream started to melt down my hand,

"and I thought, 'This isn't as good any more,

" 'the thing that I wished for all my life

" 'is now starting to disappear up my sleeve.'

"And that...

"And as the hundreds and thousands melted into my fingers, I thought,

" 'Life's a bit shit, isn't it?' "

Every day!

-Just a different...

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you, thank you, thank you very much for that.

Anyway, onto our next question tonight.

"Who do you blame for Derry going ballistic?"

Yes, Jeffery Donaldson has offered to relocate Trident nuclear submarines

in Northern Ireland - which is ironic,

because many people in Northern Ireland would like to see

Jeffery Donaldson relocated into a Trident nuclear submarine.

But who can we blame for Derry going ballistic?

I love ballistic, it's a great word. You don't get that anywhere else. You wouldn't get it in London.

"Ballistic, going ballistic, so he is. Going ballistic."

The Assembly - "Don't go in, the First Minister's going ballistic.

"McGuiness wants the God Save The Queen in Irish.

"She's going ballistic - ballistic!"

But it's actually ballistic, they are going ballistic,

cos Jeffery Donaldson - what happened was

the Scots have the Trident and they're going, "Get away to f..."

Right? And Jeffrey, he's like a schoolboy,

he's like one of them, "Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir!

"We'll take it, Sir!

"Sir, we'll take it! We'll take it, Sir!"

But the bit I love...

"Unfortunately, we can't take it in my constituency,

"cos my constituency is landlocked.

"I'm so sad about that.

"But Londonderry would be happy to take it, Sir!"

And Derry wants to go, "Hey, wha? Hey, hey, wha?"

Seriously? We want Trident missiles in Derry?

No offence to Derry or Londonderry - both places are lovely.

But...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

They're lovely but come on - they're very temperamental.

Can you imagine the wee guy, hand on the button, somebody from Derry?

Even the letters coming in -

"Here, Mr Doherty, they put Londonderry on this again!"

HE EXCLAIMS IN PANIC

"Mr Doherty, Mr Doherty!

"Phone Mr Doherty, I've hit the button, Mr Doherty!"

And nothing happens in Derry over lunchtime.

"Will you wise up, heh? I'm having my lunch here, heh?"

"Will you wise up? Stop going ballistic, heh, will you?

"Let me finish."

"But Mr Doherty, I've hit the button!"

"It's not the end of the world, heh? Will you settle down? Settle down."

Oh, br... They say that nothing...

The only that'll survive if it does happen - cos Putin's about to...

He's out there shooting down planes and we're taking bombs in.

40 years to get rid of bombs in Northern Ireland

and now Jeffrey Donaldson's going,

"Come on in with that big one. Come on."

It'll end up burned out in the Brandywell.

You see if there's a Trident submarine...

Seriously, it'll be in the middle of a housing estate

and no-one will know how it got there.

It's a bit weird, though. Cos there...

You know this whole thing works,

despite your - "eh!" - one button,

I'm pretty sure that's not how it works, right?

There's four submarines, right?

One submarine is constantly moving, in case Britain gets attacked

and it can retaliate and there's a letter in each submarine

-from the Prime Minister to tell them what to do in that situation.

-Oh.

He controls the entire UK's nuclear arsenal.

That doesn't happen to the Taoiseach.

He gets told where the nice biscuits are kept.

That's what he gets told.

-Yous don't even have a navy.

-We do have a navy.

He's called Derek and he's a very good rower.

-Why bother? I don't understand...

-We do have a navy.

We rescued a load of migrants from the Mediterranean

and they're absolutely brilliant.

However, the point must be made that you do have the HMS Invincible and the HMS Victory

and we've got the LE Niamh.

And... "Quick! Roisin to the rescue!"

If you'll pardon the expression...

..I've been on Roisin and...

We were doing a little tour of the ship and...your fella

recognised us off this and he's from up here,

he's the captain of the ship and he says,

"Look, we're closing up the official tour,

"we'll...bring you round properly."

So he showed us all the bits that weren't open to the public,

we went in and... the gun was there and it's...

The Irish Navy, there's THE Gun.

And a sort of chair thing that moves round like this - "rrr!"

And you do the whole, "Da-da-da! Da-da-da-da-da!"

An he says, "Does the young fella want to go on the gun?"

That's what he said!

And the young fella was there.

He's 11 or something and he was in before the answer came.

"Rrr-rrr-rrr-rrr!"

Moving this gun around, and people are on the quayside,

and there's a gun moving around like this...

And he leaned in, and I swear to God, he says,

"Just don't press that button, right?"

Thank you, thank you very much for that.

Now, if you would like to ask the panel a question,

just e-mail us at [email protected].

So, what is our next question tonight?

"Who do you blame for eating and drinking too much?"

Yes, this week, a video appeared online of two drunk women

stripping and cavorting outside a pub in Comber - disgusting.

On the plus side, at least we know now

where this year's Blame Game Christmas party is going to be.

But who can we blame for eating and drinking too much?

The Comber video is brilliant!

If you haven't seen it, it's a woman running around

with no trousers on, going, "I love the fresh air!

"I love the fresh air! I love the fresh air!"

Judging by your legs, you don't love the fresh air.

Cos she is the palest woman in the history...

There's polar bears going, "Jesus, that's unbelievable."

Like, I wouldn't...

I think she is mad to have done that, but fair play to her.

They are seriously pale legs.

Game Of Thrones is filmed in here -

I would assume she was a White Walker, if I was a tourist.

At one point, she has these pink knickers on

and she just moons the camera.

And the bit I saw, either it was pixelated,

or she has the dimpliest hoop I've ever seen.

I'm writing that down - "dimpliest hoop".

The other thing that really annoys me is that food stat.

One in five young adults think fish fingers

are made from the fingers of fish, which begs one question to me -

how can you love a child that stupid? Like, seriously.

No, no - I don't have kids, you all have kids.

"Daddy, Daddy, are fish fingers made out of fingers of fish?"

"No, you complete moron. What are you talking about?

"I hope your mother had an affair, cos I'm ashamed to call you my son."

You know what we need to do?

People don't realise where their food comes from,

so what we need to do is show them.

You know when you open a Christmas card,

the special ones with the chip inside and it makes a noise?

Do that with meat, so you open lamb and it goes "Baa!" Right?

-You open a chicken and it goes...

-HE CLUCKS

You open a beefburger and it goes...

HE SNORTS LIKE A HORSE

That's what we should do.

Thank you, thank you very much for that.

Just time now for a quickfire round.

I will read you various newspaper headlines

and unlike an on-the-run Republican, I want you to finish your sentence.

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

A smattering of applause there, a lot of Republicans over there.

Three reasons to die.

Larne, Lisburn, Strabane.

NASA invents space glue.

Gets you really high.

New Alzheimer's find.

Turns out to be already existing Alzheimer's find.

Gays still discriminated against in America.

Asher's new bagel has no holes.

Peter Robinson tipped for peerage.

Still won't make Iris a lady.

AUDIENCE: Oh!

Oh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I think you know you've gone too far if I go, "Ah, Jesus!"

I tracked down my attacker on web.

It was a spider with a gun.

And a massive erection.

And finally, a bush too far.

Beautician runs out of wax.

That's it, that's the end of the show.

Please show your appreciation to our panel,

Colin Murphy, Josh Howie, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm...

I'm Tim McGarry. Until next time,

don't blame yourselves - blame each other. Goodbye.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE