Episode 3 The Blame Game

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

Hello and welcome to The Blame Game,

the show that's so funny it could make absolutely anyone laugh.

Well, apart from Oscar Pistorius.

LAUGHTER

I'm Tim McGarry, and our regular panellists are, of course,

Colin Murphy...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Jake O'Kane...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..and Neil Delamere!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And our special guest night is an actor,

writer and a brilliant stand-up comedian.

She's been on the telly in Sherlock, Midsomer Murders

and, most importantly, The Blame Game.

Please welcome back our old mate, the fabulous Wendy Wason!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, ladies and gentlemen, it's been a momentous week.

Parliament held an historic debate on Wednesday - should we bomb Syria?

The debate among MPs was, of course, complex,

involving convoluted geopolitical considerations

and multifaceted moral questions.

Thankfully, Northern Ireland MPs made it simple for us -

Prods for, Taigs against.

Now, we were going to bomb Assad a couple of years ago,

but now we're bombing the anti-Assad, pro-Saudi,

anti-Russian, pro-Turkish, anti-Kurd Sunnis.

But we're not going to bomb the anti-Assad, Qatari-backed Sunnis

or Yazidis or indeed the Kurdish peshmerga

or the pro-Iranian, Lebanese-supplied,

Russian-backed Alawite Shias.

Because that might complicate matters.

APPLAUSE

And if you found that difficult to follow,

then you're obviously a terrorist sympathiser.

Locally, nominations opened to be the new leader of the DUP.

I might actually apply for the job myself.

But I'll wait until I see it advertised in the Irish News.

The DUP leadership contest will be decided by just 46 people.

Most other political parties said this was ridiculous -

46 was far too small a number to control a democratic party.

Sinn Fein, however, disagree,

saying that 46 is actually too many for an Army Council.

Some people say Nigel Dodds as leader

and Arlene Foster as First Minister would be "the dream team".

And if you're having dreams involving Nigel Dodds and Arlene...

..you really need to cut down on your cheese.

Now, on with the show. The audience ask the questions

and our panel provide some very unreliable answers.

So what is our first question tonight from the audience?

The audience has asked,

"Who do you blame for the lack of a canopy outside the BBC?

"Hashtag...

"Rain."

That's just because you're from Bangor.

"Who's to blame for bucking black taxi drivers moaning?"

You see, this is a... I got another one here that said...

That was from Robert in North Belfast.

And, just to show you the class difference in Belfast -

"Who's to blame for bucking black taxi drivers moaning?" says Robert.

And Steve from Bangor says,

"Who's to blame for not revoking the taxi licences?"

APPLAUSE

"Or the black cabs holding Belfast to ransom?"

What's our first question tonight?

Who do you blame for global warming?

Yes, the Climate Change Conference is meeting in Paris.

Climate change is caused by the so-called greenhouse effect.

Or, if you live in North Down, the conservatory effect.

Some DUP politicians have been sceptical about climate change.

But, to be fair, they have offered up a potential solution to the problem.

Unfortunately, it involves building a very large ark

and getting two of every animal.

But who can we blame for global warming?

It's very exciting times. Um...

The big debate is going on in Paris,

and, er, we're represented.

Relax.

And Mark "H" Durkan...

He puts that in the middle to prove he's a Catholic.

And, er...

"H" Durkan. And, yeah, he's there representing us.

Cos he's the Environment Minister or something.

And it's brilliant to be there because we are the only place

on these islands that does not have a climate bill.

We don't have regulations or rules or laws

because they haven't decided about it up at Stormont.

What a surprise(!)

I was looking at some of the delegates

that were from all over the world,

and there were these guys from the South Pacific there,

and basically they're in huge trouble,

and they turned up in wellies, going...

-HE PANTS AND GASPS

-"I'm wringin'!"

And, er...

It's, er... Yeah, it's getting out of control.

The Faughan River, the other one's the Faughan.

There's one sat with their kids at home,

"Where's the Faughan river, Daddy?"

"Ask your FAUGHAN mother. It's a river."

Yeah, because some people do pronounce it "the Fuhh'n".

-Yeah.

-But it's polluted. Durkan isn't doing anything.

It's going to end up, there's going to be a special adviser,

"Mr Minister, there's a delegation from the Faughan River."

"Tell them I'm too busy."

"You need to see these." "Tell them..."

"Its trout, Minister. Trout have walked up to the Assembly, Minister.

"They've grown... There's ones with legs and arms out there, Minister,

"smoking a pipe. They want to..."

"Tell them it's a non-smoking building. I can't..."

-It's like...

-You know how you fix this, right?

You're right, the main two culprits on this entire island

are transport and agriculture, right?

See, listen, we can't continue to have both of them.

We need to start riding cows. This is...

-And I don't...

-"RIDING cows"?

There's someone from Tyrone going, "Already do."

I don't mean that. I don't mean that.

We need to ride cattle, that's what we need to do.

As a transport. You need to just be able to walk in to a dealership,

like a car, and go, "A COWdi, a COWdi TT," or whatever. And go...

Just go, "I'd like to buy a cow, please."

"OK, that's our bestseller."

"It only has three legs."

"It's a hatchback."

That's what you should be able to do.

"You're paying for the extras."

-"What sort of extras are in the cow?"

-A bell.

"Full leather interior."

-That's what you should be allowed to do.

-The downside is...

Now, this is true now...

Because the summers are getting warmer,

the winters are getting colder. The winters ARE getting colder...

-Maybe you're just getting older.

-This is it, this is true.

You've hit it on the head.

This time of year,

if nothing else, keep an eye on your elderly neighbours. Right?

Cos the cold at this time of year...

I have and old dear, 90 years old, living beside me.

And I'm glad I kept my eyes on her.

She was stealing my heating oil!

She was over the fence...!

APPLAUSE

Stealing my heating oil!

There was... There was some...

A couple of fellas, I don't know where the hell this was.

In Antrim or somewhere? That tried to...

Their fields had been washed away.

Right beside the sea, fields washed away...

-20,000 tyres on the beach.

-Lough Neagh, it is.

-Was it Lough Neagh?

-No, it was Lough Foyle.

-Was it Lough Foyle?

-Lough Foyle.

-Lough Foyle.

As 20,000 tyres that they used as a sort of breakwater

to stop the thing...

-WENDY:

-The ones they didn't put on bonfires? Is that why there were so many?

They got fined and brought to court and...

If they put a flag on it, they would have got a grant. That's the thing.

APPLAUSE

That's the difference.

There is a tradition of this, though, on the North Coast,

you have to admit.

I don't know if you've seen those hexagonal rocks

-that have been illegally dumped up there.

-Oh, yeah.

The other big environment story, and I think we need to cover it,

as it is probably the most important story of the week,

is you can get underway now that smells of bacon.

I would have, like...

I would imagine all of David Cameron's underwear

during his university days...

-APPLAUSE

-..would smell of bacon.

-They said...

-No doubt it would give you a RASHer!

CHEERING

It's... Apparently, you can wear them and get support,

and a lovely smell of a freshly-cooked breakfast.

Oh, my God! Would use that as a chat-up line?

"With my bacon and your eggs,

"we could have a brilliant breakfast in the morning."

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you. Thank you, thank you very much for that.

Yes, indeed, methane from cows could actually be used to power cars.

Sounds great. Just one question -

where do you put the nozzle when you need a refill?

So what's our next question tonight?

Who do you blame for rebranding?

Yes, an online petition wants the International Airport

named after the great Joey Dunlop.

I'm in favour.

My only worry is, of course, that when Rory McIlroy

eventually passes on, the only airport left is City Of Derry.

And that's hardly an honour, is it?

Rory's image is actually worth 280 million quid,

much of which comes from sponsorship.

Yes, most big celebrities get really valuable sponsorship deals.

Which reminds me, if you're ever on the Antrim Road,

go to Redmond's Butchers

for the best pork and leek sausages in North Belfast.

But who can we blame for rebranding?

I think it's a good idea.

I think Joey Dunlop was a fine person.

I think he did a lot of charitable work. Brilliant sportsman.

Great idea. As long as you theme it after them, though.

Don't just name it after them.

That's what they should have done with the George Best Airport.

I've been there. And it's just a normal airport.

Imagine my disappointment

when my spirits allowance was the same as in any other airport.

-You should be able to...

-APPLAUSE

You should be able to... In that duty free,

you should be able to buy vodka, gin, a liver, whatever you want.

You should have the guy pulling in the planes with Cookstown sausages,

you know that fellow there, that's what they should do.

Advocates a brilliant idea, I have to say.

But most of Belfast is rebranding, you know?

East Belfast is rebranding.

There's nine murals that were paramilitary

and now they've changed, and they're going to be stuff like

Belfast Giants and stuff like that, which is kind of very inspirational.

You know the only person, fictional or not,

who is in both sides, he's in Republican areas

and Loyalist areas of Belfast, was Cu Chulainn.

He's the only person in both areas.

You are fighting over a fictional character.

You might as well have row over Gandalf or Willy Wonka.

"Willy Wonka's Protestant! Willy Wonka is clearly Protestant."

"How?"

"Well, his name is William. He owned a factory.

"And he had little Orangemen working for him."

APPLAUSE

It's just...

East Belfast rebranding, this is the second time they've done this.

-Right, OK.

-This is the second time.

They had the guys with the hoodies and the guns, starting off,

and peace arrived and they got the paint brushes out. "Hey-hey-hey!"

They must have had a stencil of George Best.

-George Best was everywhere. Stencil. There you go.

-Fair enough.

Must've got 40 grand. 40 grand or something.

"There you go. Well done." Now, Protestants can't paint.

-I'm sorry...

-LAUGHTER

I'm not, no! I'm not being stereotypical here.

Catholics can't dance, Protestants can't paint. They can't paint.

Look at what... Now they've done the paramilitary murals again.

There is one that bad on the bottom of the Newtownards Road,

police were pulled for stopping their cars

and getting their pictures taken beside the mural.

Too many policemen were... "Hey-hey-hey!"

Cos you had the balaclava, but his eyes...

This guy's eyes were going in two completely different directions!

It was like those...

You remember the old things that had about... The pictures of our Lord.

-Oh, yeah. Used to follow you.

-That used to follow you.

-Yeah.

And you'd be driving down Newtownards Road, going,

"Oh... Oh...!"

So now what's happened, they've run out of money.

They've been sitting in a wee club, going,

"Here, sonny, have got a few quid? I'm skint.

"Get the paint brushes out, Samuel!"

Now up goes the Giants, they'll run out of money again,

back up with the guy with the funny eyes.

I think you should put them on the front of the houses,

cos they're quite threatening, some of those ones with balaclavas.

If you put it on the front of a house, and then, you know,

just pull down one window and then the guy's winking at you.

There's an awful lot of people at the airport...

At the "International" Airport

that goes to three places that are "international".

-One of them being Belfast.

-The...

Yeah, up at the airport,

there's an alarming number of people working up there

that have pretty strong sort of North Antrim-type accents.

-Is that right?

-Yeah, it's true.

And... Loads of them. Which it worries me.

Because some of them work in air-traffic control.

That's what worries me.

That there is someone up there, going, "All right? Who's that?

"Is that British Airways coming in there now?"

"They're coming round the top of the lough there, boy.

"Just taking off and turnin', boy, know what I mean?

"Oh, is he, is he, is he, is he?"

It's not an accent that inspires confidence, do you know what I mean?

I didn't know...

The first time, one of the first times I flew to America,

-you know the big planes?

-"The big planes"?! Yes.

No! No!

You've got the wee planes.

You've got the wee planes that go from here to Manchester or whatever.

-This is a BIG plane. There were stairs on it.

-A big silver bird!

-You go upstairs.

-Oh, yeah?

I couldn't go upstairs, couldn't afford to go upstairs.

-But you can go up stairs.

-OK.

-I love that.

Have you seen the advert outside for the aircraft, that's like...

I don't know what aircraft it is, but it's, "A bar in the sky,"

and, "There's showers in the sky."

And you put an advert up which basically says

to everyone in the area, "Look what you can never afford!"

But I was all chuffed to have a TV...

First time you had a TV thing on the back of your...

And you can watch movies and everything. It's great.

But when they come into land, right,

-they had a camera on the front of the plane.

-Oh, yeah!

-Right?

And what I didn't know,

and obviously nobody else from Northern Ireland knew,

was that when the pilot comes in to land,

they go sort of sideways, you know, coming into the thing.

-Oh, if it's windy, yeah.

-Right. So we know we're coming down.

We can see the runway. But this guy's pointing towards the fields!

Right until the last minute. And you see, at the last minute, I swear...

Everyone on that plane went, "Aaaaaargh!"

Thank you. Thank you very much for that.

Who do you blame for macho men?

Yes, some people said that David Cameron was just being macho

by bombing the Syrian city of Raqqa, which has been held by Islamic State.

Other people said, by bombing a city,

there was a real risk of civilian casualties.

There is, of course, a compromise -

carry out the airstrikes, but have them carried out by Ryanair.

That way, the bombs will land

miles away from where anybody actually lives.

But who can we blame for macho men?

The Syrian thing, the vote and all, with the Commons, is very macho.

And that was all very...

HE BRAYS LIKE AN MP

"Bomb! Bomb! Bomb! Yes, bomb!"

And there was something weird about Northern Irish Unionist politicians

sitting there, "Ah! Bomb! Bomb! Bomb! Yes! That'll work!"

Gerry Adams, sitting at home,

going "Didn't work for us, I'm just saying to you, like."

But it's beards. Beards are the new macho.

Seemingly, the new macho is beards.

And the beards are in, as you can tell by...

Most of the men on the panel have beards.

But...

Yeah, because you're cutting edge in all respects fashion-wise, anyway.

-But the thing with beards...

-"Look at the big plane!"

APPLAUSE

My moustache woke me up in the middle of the night.

-What?!

-I am serious.

-I was in a deep, sound sleep...

-Yeah?

And I must have snored or something, right? So the hairs went up my nose.

And I came out of it going, "Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh!"

My wife near kicked herself.

"What's wrong with you?!" Thought it was a cardiac.

"There's a spider up my nose! There's a spider!"

I didn't tell her that so far, but it's a dodgy thing.

And beards make you more macho, yeah?

-They don't!

-LAUGHTER

They don't!

The Syria thing is a bit crazy, though,

because a lot of Labour MPs changed their mind when Hilary Benn,

son of Tony Benn,

-and brother of Gentle...

-Yep.

..nephew of Uncle. He... He...

NEIL LAUGHS

He made this amazing speech and...

you know, that swayed some Labour people. You just think...

But Corbyn was right behind him as he's making his speech.

What is the correct facial expression

when the Shadow Foreign Secretary - you're his boss - is doing that.

He just sat there, completely passive.

Surely at some point you'd just be like...

"Oooh, I... Eeeergh!"

Surely, you'd just do something?

And you're right, the debate, the argument, lasted 10 or 11 hours.

Have you ever had a row with your wife for 10 or 11 hours?

You will agree to ANYTHING by the end of that.

"Oh, we're going to bomb Syria.

"Well, if you want to bomb Syria, that's fine by me. That's fine."

"Didn't we agree that it would make things better here at home?"

"I don't know how you'd know, you're never here!"

What they fear most...

There are terrible things they're doing to people

they consider to be gay, right,

whether they have any proof of this or not,

it's horrible, they're killing them and all sorts of things.

So that's what they're clearly afraid of.

That's what they're terrified of, is gay men.

-Let's bomb them with Elton John.

-There we go.

Glitter bombs. We should just camp it up. Camp it up.

-Operation Fabulous!

-Yes!

APPLAUSE

-WENDY:

-I like the idea of torture by music.

Apparently, like, the Somalian pirates, to sort of get them,

to flush them out, the Navy used to

play them Britney Spears really loud,

and they're like, "I can't bear it, I can't bear it!"

They just come out.

There were using someone, like, the music of East 17 or something?

-No, they used, I think, Westlife.

-Westlife. In Guantanamo.

Guantanamo, yeah.

And one of the guys from Westlife went,

"I'd say I'd last about an hour."

Thank you. Thank you for that.

Yes, if you believe men are from Mars and women are from Venus,

well, you clearly have never been to see that show, Ladyboys Of Bangkok.

Now, if you would like to ask the panel a question,

just e-mail us at [email protected].

So what's our next question tonight?

Who do you blame for what's in our search engines?

Yes, the most popular search request in England this year

was "Rugby World Cup".

Mostly because, after the first round of the World Cup,

most English people couldn't remember where it was actually being hosted.

And also this week scientist discovered that some nonsense words

are just inherently funny. The funniest words they discovered

were wibble, wook, babblesock, flingham

and Lurgan.

But who can we blame for what's on our search engines?

I blame all of us. I blame all of us, and I love it.

Because the more we search, the more the Internet remembers.

And I love the fact...

You know when you type into Google the beginning of a sentence,

or something that you're searching,

and it gives you a little drop-down menu

of what the rest of the world are searching. And I love it.

And my daughter and I were searching how old somebody was,

and we put in "how old...", and the drop-down menu came down.

Number three on that menu was "How old am I?"

Kind of like, if you're searching how old you are,

you're too old to be on a computer!

But I love it. Also after, like, my third baby, I had a C-section.

Comedy, comedy, comedy(!)

And I googled...

And I wanted to know how soon I could go back to the gym,

and I googled "how soon after a C-section can I..."

And the drop-down menu drops down, right?

Number five on that is "how soon after a C-section can I hoover?"

It's bizarre. And then, around about six or seven,

it's "how soon after a C-section can I have intercourse?"

That's fair enough. You've just had a baby. Who cares?

However, if you google "how soon after a C-section can SHE..."

Very different. It's very different.

Then, of course, we were talking about baby names.

You have to name the baby.

Sorry. In Northern Ireland, that would be "hoover".

That would be number one.

But then I was looking at sort of baby names.

We were talking earlier on, about how baby names...

How difficult it is to name babies.

Just out of interest, how long after...?

-Hoover?

-Hoover, yeah.

What age is your youngest? 14?

APPLAUSE

Sorry, Mrs McGarry. Your secret's out!

You've only got two years to wait.

I was looking at, like, baby names. I did find it hard naming my baby.

I called my middle boy Maximus.

Cos I thought, you know - emperor, aim high.

But then there's banned names.

Like, the most popular name in the UK, do you know what that is?

The most popular name in the UK is Muhammad, now.

But there are names that are banned in Saudi.

Elaine and Linda are banned in Saudi Arabia,

because they're too Western.

But the name Circumcision is banned in Mexico.

-Who was going to name a child...?!

-I don't know.

But you know Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin,

they've called their little girl Apple.

I was kind of like, "Apple? That's ridiculous."

But then of course, you go, "Your name is Apple?"

And she's like, "Yeah, and my mum's an Oscar-winning actress

"and my dad's a rockstar."

And you're like, "Yeah, you win, Apple. Well done, Apple."

-COLIN:

-The naming thing... I've a friend of mine,

and they've called their kid, they've given them a middle name.

-Their kid's called Spartacus.

-WENDY:

-Oh, really?

Just for the rollcall in school. That is genuinely...

Himself and his brother had an argument, and they said...

Before they'd even met the women they're with. ..and said,

"Whoever has a kid first is going to call the kid Spartacus."

"Right, you're on."

And so that's what they did.

Just so on the rollcall, they'd go, "I'm Spartacus!"

"No, I'm Spartacus!"

Isn't that brilliant?

Did you say you swore...

swore to God that you knew a girl called Lasagna?

Yeah, a friend of mine... Yeah.

There's a friend of mine from West Belfast.

She said there was a girl called...

This is the other one, is that she swore blind

that there was someone up Annistown direction,

called Tamara Knight.

No. No. No, no, no. No.

-Swore blind there was.

-Tamara Knight.

I've heard of Annette Curtain.

- Annette curtain? - Yeah.

Well, David Beckham's got a child called Harper Seven.

And you think, "What a stupid bloody...

"Why'd you call them Harper?"

Presumably because somebody already had Birmingham Six and, er...

Well, there's names. Guildford Four!

"There's the youngest, Guildford Four."

"Let's go out to play."

"I'm going out front door with Jerry."

-That could be brilliant.

-I get in trouble with the Irish names.

Some of the Irish things are very... You just know them kids are going to

be on their phone for the rest of their lives going,

"Fachtna. It's Fachtna.

"Fachtna. It's Fachtna."

"Fa-Fa... Forget it.

"Mary. Call me Mary. Call me Mary. All right, yeah."

I like to find... The funny words thing is good.

They've done this research about it, and loads of them

are from Blackadder, wibble and all the sorts of things.

-Which think is in the dictionary now.

-Is it?

-Yeah.

-I don't know what...

-As a...?

I don't know what the death and wishing them the just, "wibble".

And it really is down to the way he's saying it.

But here, certain... Its accents again.

Certain words sound fantastic. "Gutter", I think sounds brilliant.

Gutter, turnip, flannel, skitter, gusset. They're all funny words.

Gusset is my favourite. Gusset is...

Yeah, don't do that when you say gusset.

I have two! I have to!

It's onomatopoeic. "Gusset." Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, stop saying it.

Two of the least sexy words in the world - "reinforced gusset."

But you can make them sexy if you just put a bit of effort into it.

-No, you can't.

-No, you can't.

-COLIN:

-You can. "Show us your, er...

- No! - "..reinforced gusset."

Is this kind of harassment?

-"That's an amazing reinforced gusset."

-No!

If you keep saying that, Colin will end up on a different

sort of register than the one we're talking about.

Mark Zuckerberg was the big news this week as well, the Facebook guy.

-Oh, he's giving away his dough.

-He got a...

He's giving away 45 billion, 99% of his Facebook shares,

cos he's so inspired by the birth of his daughter, Max...

Which is a fine name, I'm not having a go at that.

I think I saved that one. Ooh, that was close.

..which is brilliant, and its noble and all the rest,

but what's he going to do when he has a second kid?

To the second kid, "We gave all the money away, so now...

"now we're going to buy a Trocaire box

"and, right, buy two Big Issues this week."

But he's given all his money away into a fund

that his family are going to manage.

It looks quite sort of like there might be less tax to pay

-on that money he's giving away.

-Don't ruin it.

-You such a cynic.

-You're such a terrible cynic.

-Well, you know.

Peter Robinson is at home now, going, "Oh, that's..."

APPLAUSE

Yeah, he is. 40...? How much is it he's giving away?

45 billion, but he's giving it away, 1 billion quid a year,

I think, for the first few years.

Oh, I'm not interested.

HE SHOUTS

How much has he got left?

He's, er...

Well, 99% is 45 billion.

-So 1% is...

-HE MUMBLES

-So he's not skint?

-No, he's not skint.

He's not going to be signing on tomorrow.

He's not going to be in an office in Derry going,

"Can I get the DLA as well, please?"

Thank you. Thank you very much for that.

We've just got time now for our quickfire round.

I will read you various newspaper headlines

and I want you to be faster than Alain Yentob into a dole office.

Ooh.

"26 hurt in car show horror."

Kitchen staff forget to cook Jeremy Clarkson's dinner.

"Glastonbury sells out in half an hour."

Took Sinn Fein three years.

Ooh!

"Invisibility cloak for mice."

Harry Potter And The Chamber Of SQUEAK-rets.

"The reason love hurts."

BECAUSE YOU'RE DOING IT UNNATURALLY!

APPLAUSE

NOT RIGHT!

"Britain may have to allow prisoners to vote."

At last, MLAs can vote for themselves.

"100 metre waves."

A man with enormous hands says goodbye.

"How often did Tom Jones cheat on his wife?"

It's not unusual.

APPLAUSE

"Losing your temper shortens your life."

Then how is Jim Allister still alive?

That is it. That's the end of the show.

Please show your appreciation to our panel -

Colin Murphy...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Wendy Wason...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Jake O'Kane...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..and Neil Delamere.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm Tim McGarry. Until next time, don't blame yourselves.

Blame each other. Goodbye.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE