Episode 5 The Blame Game

THE BLAME GAME NIG S083N/01 BRD000000

Hello, hello. And welcome to The Blame Game,

the show that is funnier than a Slab Murphy tax return.

Yes, we've got more laughs than Jose Mourinho has P45s.

I'm met Tim McGarry and our special ones tonight are of course,

Colin Murphy...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Jake O'Kane...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..and Neil Delamere.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And our special guest tonight is a fantastic comedian.

He was in the cult series Skins, he was the face of MTV

and starred in BBC 3's hugely successful Impractical Jokers.

Please welcome the hilarious Mr Joel Dommett.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, one big story this week was of course Pastor McConnell's court case.

The pastor has been accused

of making grossly offensive remarks about Islam.

Now, whatever you think of his sermon,

the vital issue of freedom of speech is at stake here.

And I want to tell the pastor and everyone else watching that,

no matter the court decides, we on The Blame Game will not be silenced.

We will say what we want, which is why we can reveal

exclusively tonight that Gerry Adams...

NO SOUND

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

..membership card.

So, what is our first question tonight?

Our first question tonight is who do you blame

for refugees not being told they were coming to Belfast?

Yes, 1,000 Syrian refugees have arrived in the UK.

From this 1,000, 51 refugees have now been sent to Northern Ireland.

You'll have no trouble recognising them,

they are the ones holding the short straws.

The new arrivals have to undergo security checks.

If anyone is found to have any sort of terrorist links,

they will immediately be asked if they want to become an MLA.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

But who can we blame for refugees not been told

they were coming to Belfast?

Yes, the news report said that some of the people had no idea

they were coming here.

They were told, I don't know whether it was to put them off,

they thought if they tell them, they'll go,

"No, I'm grand in the refugee camp, you're fine."

They were told basically, yes, they were going to the UK

and some of them thought they were going to London

and one of the people escorting the people to where they were staying

said the guy on the bus on the way in from the airport was still

convinced they were in London until he saw Cave Hill and he went, "Oh!"

And he realised this ain't London.

Yes, so they were convinced that they...

well, that they weren't here.

Cos these people have suffered enough.

The last thing you want to do is make them feel any worse.

So they came here and they're in a secret location,

this is the thing, a secret location in Belfast,

and everybody said to them, "You're safe now. You're safe here.

"But if you go out, don't tell anyone where you're living."

And they go, "Why?" "It's for your own safety."

So that is true.

Nobody knows where they're staying.

It's like a Big Brother house before they release them into the house.

So they're staying somewhere in Belfast

and they are slightly confused as to where they are

because I saw the news and local children had made cards

to welcome these people which didn't really help, it confuses matters

even more, cos some of the cards said, "Welcome to Northern Ireland."

Some of them said, "Welcome to Ireland."

Some of them said. "Welcome to the UK."

Some of them said, "Sorry for your trouble." You know, it's just...

It's all very complicated.

First, we don't know where they're going to be re-homed.

It'd be brilliant if they get rehomed quite close to this studio

because the idea of somebody going, "We know you've suffered

"and the violence and turmoil of the Middle East, so we've got you

"out of Syria and we're going to put you in the Holy Land."

-Yeah.

-That would be brilliant.

APPLAUSE

But apparently, we actually have a rough idea where they're going.

They're going to the north-west.

So maybe they did that thing you were talking about,

"You're going to go to London...derry.

"It's going to be amazing in London...derry.

"It's going to be amazing."

But it's sensible to send them here.

It's a stroke of genius cos if you sent them to Kent or somewhere,

that would be a culture shock.

This is like a decompression chamber.

You don't take a diver up from the depths

right up to the surface.

You don't take someone from a war zone right into Kent.

You take them to Belfast.

New still have walls, riots, people get knee-capped,

by appointment, admittedly.

You try to make them feel at home. You try to bring them round slowly.

It is nice, though.

Some people have been very welcoming of the Syrian people.

It's good, we've only got 51, but some Syrians are here already

and they've welcomed them and are going to help them.

Did you see the guy on the news?

A young lad on the news, he's 19, and his name is Tony Salami.

-I saw that.

-It's a brilliant name, Tony Salami.

-Brilliant.

-And his dad came over here when he was about three,

we assume that his dad... I don't know why his dad had to leave,

but it can't be easy living in a Muslim country

when your surname is a type of sausage.

It's like being caught Seamus Condom in the Republic of Ireland.

But Tony has done really well.

He's in Queen's, it's just another success story of an immigrant

who comes to this island, you know. I think it's brilliant.

And Trump, Trump is a tool of epic proportions.

-He's a moron.

-He got an honorary degree from a university in Scotland

-and they withdrew...

-They took his degree away from him.

And he also lost a court case this week for a wind farm

because they were trying to put a wind farm off the coast

of one of his golf courses in Scotland.

I think it's the wind he doesn't like, it's just...wahey! It's that.

He's just anti-wind in general.

Somebody did that in Scotland when he came to Scotland.

Someone walked behind him with a balloon...

and the hair...

-There was a picture of this guy.

-Just rubbing it off their chest.

Did anyone see him being attacked by the bald eagle?

Oh, that was the funniest thing.

It was a campaign, an election campaign ad, so this handler

came in, the bald eagle wrangler, and came into his office.

And they're in the office and then he's...

And the eagle gets a bit agitated because it sees his hair

and thinks I should roost.

Surely...

And then it flaps around and then he says, he actually says it,

it's on YouTube, he says, "My hair, my hair!"

And the wrangler guy, who is like an old fellow, just reaches up

without thinking and readjusts his hair.

-No!

-Honestly, look it up.

Honestly, he does that old Morecambe and Wise thing, he just does that.

Surely, if you want to do that right, the eagle, which is bald,

should have a comb over.

Thank you very much for that.

Yes, indeed, Pastor McConnell is accused of sending a grossly

offensive message through a public electronic communications network.

Sammy Wilson did character witness for him.

It's a bit like being accused of fraud

and getting help from Sepp Blatter.

Now, whatever the outcome of the case against Pastor McConnell,

he's not worried. Not only does he have God on his side,

he's also been offered a job as warm-up for Donald Trump.

So, what is our next question tonight?

Who do you blame for Brits in space?

Tim Peake, Britain's newest astronaut,

served as an Army helicopter pilot in Northern Ireland.

You can tell Tim Peake spent a long time in Northern Ireland

because even his space suit has a huge Union Jack on it.

LAUGHTER

But who can we blame for Brits in space?

The brilliant bit was he was asked if he was scared.

Of course he's not scared, he flew helicopters in Northern Ireland.

The chances of a fellow from South Armagh

shooting down the international space station...

LAUGHTER

..are somewhat limited.

But that said, there are fears, in the papers there were fears,

because he's going up in a creaking 50-year-old Russian rocket capsule,

and, Tim, Jake, once everything gets to 50, basically...

AUDIENCE LAUGH AND GROAN

-Are you suggesting bits fall off?

-Yes.

What he's suggesting is

your docking station isn't as good as it used to be.

That's what he's really suggesting.

You're still docking at 50, so that's all I say.

I'm just saying Jake has, you know, trouble in re-entry.

But it is quite dangerous because... I wrote this down.

..the commander from his last mission to the International Space Station

is the cosmonaut guy, who's the most experienced of them all,

you know he must play jokes on him cos Tim Peake is the new guy.

-RUSSIAN ACCENT:

-"Yes. You have to do space walk

"for bubble for spirit level. Ha-ha-ha..."

"We need some striped paint for the side of the rocket."

So the last time he went up to the ISS...

Not Isis, I-S-S. That's a different thing altogether.

They came back down at the wrong angle

and he missed the landing site. It's extremely dangerous.

He missed the landing site by 300 miles.

And the Russians had an investigation,

NASA stated its concerns,

Ryanair said it was completely normal.

LAUGHTER

They were saying that him going into space is going to encourage

lots of kids. There was a whole big thing in the Natural History Museum

and they were talking about how this will encourage kids

to choose science subjects. You never know, now it's possible,

the fact that the kids can see a guy from England,

that loads of English kids and British kids will want to become astronauts

and, unfortunately, they'll see Star Wars as well and go,

"Yeah! I'm going to do that!" Then they'll think it's going to be...

-HE MAKES LIGHTSABER NOISES

-..and then they get up there

and it's not, it's just you trying to wee into a tube

and growing a plant.

-There's nothing wrong with weeing into a tube.

-Thank you.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you. Thank you.

Star Wars is... Apparently it's amazing.

I haven't seen it, but they say it's brilliant

and Skellig Mihail or Skellig Michael,

which is an island off the coast of Kerry in the South of Ireland,

is all over it, and there's all these people going to it

and locals are a little bit worried. They're on the news,

-THICK IRISH ACCENT:

-"Last year there were people coming out,

"maybe about 12,000 or so and they came out

"and they went out to the sanctuary, the bird sanctuary,

"for the birds and the bees." They talk like that. It's brilliant.

"And everything's slightly magical when you talk like this.

"People came out and they reflected on the monks' lives

"and the nature and the puffins and the gannets and the seagulls

"and maybe about 12, maybe 13,000 people

"between the April and the October and it was lovely,

"and then this year we get pricks with lightsabers. What's going on?"

-"All this..."

-HE MAKES LIGHTSABER NOISES

"I don't know what that is.

"Lads dressed up in all sorts of shite as well. Nobody knows.

-"And the little green fellow going,

-YODA VOICE:

-"Mm, Skellig..."

"I don't understand this. And the Wookiees..."

HE TRILLS LIKE A WOOKIEE

APPLAUSE

Is there any connection, do you think, between Arlene Foster

becoming First Minister, the Dark Lord of the Sith?

-LAUGHTER

-Is there any connection there?

-"I am your mother."

-LAUGHTER

Welcome to the Death Star...

Fermanagh!

Yes, she's been...

Yeah, she's our new leader now.

Even that phrase sounds a little bit...

-HE HUMS DARTH VADER'S THEME:

-Dun-dun-dun-dun...

Maybe you could join the two. Dun-dun-dun-dun...

-I can't remember what The Sash goes like.

-Ay!

APPLAUSE

Yes, the new Star Wars movie is out.

At the end of Return of the Jedi, the Death Star was blown up.

Essentially, Star Wars is now in a post-conflict situation.

I haven't seen it yet but I expect endless talks,

the Stormtroopers renamed the police service of the new Empire,

and lots of rebels pretending to be politicians.

So, what is our next question tonight?

Who do you blame for Christmas not going to plan?

Yes, one of the big toys this Christmas is the hoverboard,

so-called because it isn't a board and it doesn't hover.

It obviously got its name from the same people who brought you

Fresh Start.

LAUGHTER

Amazon have advised people to throw out their hoverboards

because of safety concerns.

Apparently they can spontaneously catch fire,

so, Northern Ireland, it's your choice. Throw them out or keep them

in order to light next year's Eleventh Night bony.

But who can we blame for Christmas not going exactly to plan?

I massively blame my father.

Straight in, straight in. He... My...

Honestly, my family are mental. They are really crazy.

They're all farmers and so I'm from... I live on a farm and...

Sorry, Joel, you have the least farmer-sounding voice...

What do you farm, wind?

It's really weird.

They're all mental, so my grandad was a farmer,

my dad's a farmer, my brother is now a farmer,

and I asked my dad about six months ago,

"Dad, do you love my brother more than me?",

expecting him to answer, "No, I love you both equally."

He went, "I've just got more in common with him."

This is the thing that he does at Christmas that's really...

This is something that he told me the other day that I remembered.

This is crazy. I remember when I was a kid... I grew up in a place called Gloucester,

and when I was a child he once took us to the circus in Gloucester

and the circus was closed,

so he took me to Fred West's house instead.

LAUGHTER

HE GASPS

I remember it. I remember it. He was just like, "There we go.

"That's where it all happened. Get in the car, come on."

So they're really weird anyway and there's this thing that he does at Christmas that really annoys me.

He falls asleep in the middle of movies.

Obviously, like families, we always watch... He always falls asleep.

You HAVE to do this. This is what I do every year.

It's an amazing thing to do.

Every time they fall asleep during a movie, don't wake them up. That is a rookie mistake.

What you have to do is get up,

then change the film

to a film with the same lead actor in it,

then sit back down and wake them up

and watch the confusion happen on their face.

It is the funnest game.

Last year we were watching Cast Away with Tom Hanks in it.

We changed it to Philadelphia, right.

LAUGHTER

Oh, my God, how unlucky is this guy?

He finally gets off the island and now he's got AIDS.

LAUGHTER

This is a really nice thing...

This is a really romantic thing that happened to me this year.

I saw a lady on the London Tube, and she was right opposite me

and this is maybe only a couple of months ago.

She was so beautiful, and so I did that romantic thing

of letting her leave and then regretted it.

LAUGHTER

But she had her name written on her bag and so,

this is modern day and I didn't want to be lonely at Christmas,

so I thought, "I'm going to try and find her."

You know, cos you find people on social media.

And I told my dad. I was like, "Oh, Dad, I saw this lady on the London Tube.

"I'm going to try find her cos she had her name on her bag," and he got really excited.

He was like, "Oh, my God, yeah. Find her. Totally.

"It'll be like that film Taken."

LAUGHTER

I was like, "What?", and he's like "That film Taken with Liam Neeson where he tries to save his daughter

"and then it goes black and white and he saves loads of Jews."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It's a kids. Kids are spoilt. Kids are spoilt.

-I'm old, that's how I know.

-OK.

I was trying to explain to my eight-year-old,

when I was a child... Christmas - kaleidoscope.

-You don't know what that is.

-No, I knew.

-Do you know?

-Yep.

A toilet tube with a hole and glass at the end,

and you turned it and the glass went different colours.

Hours of entertainment I got from that. Hours!

My child - "Where do you plug it in?"

You don't plug it in!

"I'm telling Ma you're sniffing glue. Are you wise?"

Did you see the fellow in North Yorkshire?

He was pissed, crashed his car, looking for somewhere to hide,

-cops are right on his tail, ran in and hid in the crib.

-No!

Hid in the crib and the police are like,

"Oh, that's the crib," and walked in and went, "Oh, where is he?

"Oh, look, let's check out the four wise men."

"Oh, look. Balthazar with his gold and Melchior with his...

"frankincense and...

"John with his Terry's Chocolate Orange."

LAUGHTER

There was one here caught. There was one guy caught here,

the judge says he was catastrophically drunk.

-Oh, the horse!

-He wasn't even drunk, catastrophically drunk.

With a horse. And his excuse was he was out show jumping, as you do...

No, he'd bought a horse.

He couldn't get a taxi because he had a horse with him.

Well, he should try North Belfast. You'd get a taxi with a horse no problem.

It would cost you next to 20 quid but they'll take the horsebox. No problem.

Surely he could have got on the horse cos he had the horse

in a horsebox and he'd just bought the horse

and the people he bought the horse off stayed and had drinks.

He fell out with his brother who was driving.

His brother headed off and then he was stuck with the horse in the horsebox, towing it.

So he was driving on the wrong side of the road when the cops found him.

Surely it would have been safer to just get on the horse and just ride the horse home.

No, no, no.

He was hungry and he was looking at the horse and going,

"This is a very fresh kebab."

Imagine if he got on the horse and was just pulled over at a checkpoint.

"Shh... I'll handle this." Clippy-cloppy...

-SLURRING:

-"Hello. Why have you stopped me?"

"You didn't indicate."

"OK, sorry. Do you want me to put the blinkers on?"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-Our Black Santa that we have, he's very trendy now.

-By the way...

-By the way...

-Yeah, explain. Please, explain.

-Sorry.

This is not a Santa Claus who is black.

It's a sit-out in front of St Anne's Cathedral

and he's known as Black Santa cos he wears a big, black cape.

-He's the dean of the cathedral.

-Oh, OK.

He used to have a big bucket

and you threw money in the bucket. He now takes credit cards.

Eventually, he's going to outsource.

There'll be a fella sitting out in India.

LAUGHTER

Thank you very much for that.

Yes, indeed, tonight is so-called Black Eye Friday,

when normally sensible people

drink far too much and make total fools of themselves.

I actually did get in a fight last year, I do apologise,

someone was looking at me funny.

Turned out it was Frank Mitchell after his laser treatment.

APPLAUSE

So what is our next question tonight?

Who do you blame for bad value sportspeople?

Last Saturday, Conor McGregor won his Ultimate Fighting Championship

fight against Jose Aldo in just 13 seconds.

I actually watched the fight with my wife, and when it ended she said to me,

"There was an awful big build-up there, and then it was all over...

LAUGHTER

"..in 13 seconds.

"Does that remind you of anything?"

LAUGHTER

And I said, "Yes," I said, "Yes,

"it reminds me of Sammy Wilson's campaign to be leader of the DUP."

But who can we blame for bad value sportspeople?

The Sports Personality Of The Year is coming to Belfast,

and the rates payers here are paying a quarter of a million.

Quarter of a million! For one mention of Belfast.

We get one mention. "Good evening, and welcome to Belfast.

"Right, on with the show." I want helicopters going past the cranes.

I want to see the Titanic.

I want to see Tyson Fury getting his bap beat in

by irate homosexuals outside. That's what I want to see!

I want to see value for money.

And that McGregor thing - that was Las Vegas.

-And half of Ireland, half of Ireland!

-I know, yeah.

-Imagine!

You've flew all the way to Las Vegas, you pay for your hotel,

you get your drink, you sit down. "We're ready to go." "It's over!"

-"Hang on! What?! Who?!"

-LAUGHTER

-13 seconds?

-Can you imagine, there's a guy putting pints down...

-That's what I'm saying! He just looked up...

-What?

APPLAUSE

But the kids, they're getting value for money.

They protested last week and had a sit in at Queens.

And it was nice for the first time here to have a protest that

wasn't actually about here.

It wasn't about flags or anything else,

it was about fossil fuels and Queens University. And that's the way...

That's nice. Because the world's going to end.

We're on the way out, it's all over.

Global warming, you can laugh if you want.

I saw daffodils, DAFFODILS, blooming!

In Belfast Castle!

In December!

I'm not paying an education for my kid to go to university,

it's all over. The end of the world. They're bottling - see in China? -

they are buying in bottled air from Canada. Why can't we do that?

Why can't we sell them bottled air?

We could take it in Stormont, they could have WARM bottled air.

APPLAUSE

The China thing is mad, though,

because the smog in China is ridiculous.

Did you see it on the news? You just couldn't see anything.

Either they have loads and loads of factories,

or they're electing a Pope every day.

They've got a scale now, like red, amber...

And it's the first time it was used was last week.

And it was red, basically, don't go out!

Because you can't open your door because there's so much smog.

-Have you been to China?

-No, I haven't.

I was in China earlier in the year. In Beijing and Shanghai.

In the hotel room I had a glass of water, wallet's there,

and then phone.

Next morning, picked up the thing to take a drink of water.

And there was a clear patch, and the rest of it was just dust.

And that was inside the room. Just one night, it was unbelievable.

-I was flaking skin...

-AUDIENCE GROANS

But sure, in fairness, I've been out with you in Belfast

and you had to blow the dust off your wallet.

LAUGHTER

That is true.

APPLAUSE

But to say all that, I don't know - my da smoked Woodbine.

So if I can survive that, I can survive China.

People don't realise, you're only 19 years old.

But given The Sports Personality Of The Year coming to Belfast,

we're very excited, obviously.

Are you a sports fan, Joel? Besides the boxing?

Yeah, it's OK.

I'm quite interested about the Sports Personality Of The Year thing,

because I think Tyson Fury is the first person for years that's

actually had a personality.

But unfortunately, it's a homophobic one.

It's just ridiculous.

Tyson Fury's amazing, obviously.

But I just don't understand... Why do people not like gay people?

They're amazing.

They're so brilliant!

They're so fun!

My newest favourite thing in the entire world is to go to

a gay club and request the Dirty Dancing song.

And then just watch as gay people

-don't know who's the lifter and the liftee.

-LAUGHTER

It's the funnest game in the world!

They just run at each other and they jump like salmon.

It's just amazing.

And the other big news from Northern Ireland this week is getting

the draw for the European Championships.

Complete racism from UEFA, because Northern Ireland were drawn

in a position C4, which is

the only type of explosives mentioned in the draw.

-That's not fair.

-Racism.

-Absolute racism.

The Province and the Free State are in. So, yeah!

-There'll be fireworks at that match, I'd imagine!

-There's...

But I'd say if they play, O'Neill would be the victor.

-I'd say so, yeah. He'd come out on top.

-O'Neill?

Yeah, brilliant, isn't he? Done a fantastic job.

-I think O'Neill is a better manager than O'Neill.

-Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, O'Neill is probably the most experienced one.

He's more experienced than O'Neill.

M O'Neill is better than M O'Neill though.

If England...

It takes a Northerner to get you through, that's all I'm saying.

LAUGHTER

No, you're right, you're right.

And it'd be great to see you in a tournament after 30 years.

LAUGHTER

We don't reckon Tyson Fury's going to win this, do we?

The BBC have been criticised for even letting him in and -

can I just check this - has the cheque cleared? Hmm?

Well, I wouldn't want to criticise the BBC...

LAUGHTER

It's dangerous thing to do.

-He could win?

-I think people might...

-It's a public vote though, isn't it?

See, that's the thing, you can't trust the public,

people might do it out of badness.

But you can't kick him out now,

that just looks like racism against an Irish Traveller.

Let him in and then move him on?

APPLAUSE

-Not good.

-Not good.

Thank you, thank you very much for that. Just time for our quickfire round.

I will read you various newspaper headlines

and I want you to be quicker than the waiting time in A&E.

Hole In The Wall Gang Raids Post Office.

Times are tough since Give My Head Peace was cancelled.

LAUGHTER

Big Gay Lobby.

Where you check in at a big, gay hotel.

Bruce Forsyth Acts His Age.

And dies.

APPLAUSE

The Top Ten Things That Men Find Attractive.

Five pairs of boobs.

LAUGHTER

Destroying HIV.

Would make it hard to spell chives.

APPLAUSE

Rod Stewart Says It's Harder For Younger Stars.

It hasn't been hard for me for years.

LAUGHTER

We Check Mobiles 85 Times Daily.

Sorry, what?

APPLAUSE

Reduce The Risk Of Having A Stroke.

Stop watching pornography, Jake.

LAUGHTER

That's it, that's the end of the show.

Please show your appreciation to our panel.

Colin Murphy. APPLAUSE

Joel Dommett. APPLAUSE

Jake O'Kane. APPLAUSE

And Neil Delamere. APPLAUSE

And I'm Tim McGarry, until next time, don't blame yourselves,

blame each other. Goodbye.

APPLAUSE