Episode 6 The Blame Game

APPLAUSE

Hello, hello, and welcome to The Blame Game: Best Bits.

Over the past few weeks, we have been playing

the game at which our Stormont politicians have become

so expert, shifting the blame to someone else.

And here for your seasonal delight are some of my favourite extracts,

featuring Colin Murphy, Jake O'Kane

and Neil Delamere and some of our guests.

So let's begin with Jake, attempting to explain yet again why,

like the course of true love,

the path towards political settlement never runs smooth.

The crisis here is never over. We live in a continual crisis.

It is so bad, we have actually invented a new phrase -

crisis fatigue.

I am just sick of it, I am sick of it.

The story at the start of the year with welfare cuts.

They couldn't be separate apart.

DUP - "Oh, yes, bring them all in, we have no working class,

"bring them all in, that's fine."

Shinners, Wee Marty - "None, none, ever, not in 1,000 years

"can we ever have any cuts."

Two murders in Belfast, Chief Constable turns up on TV.

He's going, "Yes, there were IRA members involved

"but the IRA ceasefire still stands."

What?

Theresa Villiers,

"I'd rather be anywhere than here" Theresa Villiers,

brings in a panel to investigate the paramilitaries, even though

we have got MI5, MI6, the Chief Constable sitting there.

No, she brings in a panel who six weeks later come back and report.

"Shocked.

"Shocked to the core, I was.

"Turns out them young shaven-headed, tattooed,

"steroid enhanced young men, driving top-of-the-range cars

"in loyalist areas... aren't community workers."

LAUGHTER

"They are not community workers."

They're paramilitary drug dealers, who knew?

Worse, the IRA haven't gone away.

Gerry Adams is sitting at home going,

"Well, I could have told them that for nothing."

First Start. First Start sounds like a panty liner.

It does.

I don't care what anybody says.

I have images of Peter Robinson

and Martin McGuinness in white trousers, rollerblading, going,

"Mother Nature,

"we don't have time for you, we have got Stormont to run."

Fresh Start, for politicians who leak to the media.

LAUGHTER

-LOUDLY:

-Jim Rogers talks like this the whole time.

Jim Rodgers is like a primary school teacher...

..who has spent far too much time with the P1s, isn't that right?

This is the volume he speaks at.

And this... He is never off the radio.

This fellow is like a local councillor.

They don't even ring him for a comment, he doesn't even ring.

You just hear him on the radio.

From his house going, "I have a comment to make about that."

And, basically what it is, the Northern Ireland soccer team

and the Republic of Ireland soccer team have both

qualified for the European Championships,

first time ever that both sides of the border have qualified.

And the managers of both teams are both from here, right?

Which is quite a unique sort of situation

and so someone suggested in the city council,

it would be quite nice to have a reception for them.

A civic reception.

Jim Rodgers, who is a big fan of football, said,

"No, we have already had a finger buffet

"for the Northern Ireland team."

LAUGHTER

Apart from that sounding like a euphemism...

He said, "It's too expensive. These things aren't cheap, you know."

You're going, "Twaddell. Just one word, Twaddell."

Who do you blame for stereotypes?

Yes, I'm afraid in Northern Ireland,

we often indulge in sectarian stereotypes.

Not all of us, obviously.

I mean, Catholics don't.

LAUGHTER

But only because they are too lazy. But who can we blame for stereotypes?

Finally, something I care about.

I think everyone is to blame for stereotypes.

I am from London and I get boxed to be Nigerian because I have got

a traditional name and I am black so people tend to think I am Nigerian.

But my allegiance just wavers, depending on what is going on,

to be honest. I will give you guys an example.

When England got knocked out of the World Cup in the group stages

and Nigeria advanced, I'm Nigerian, right?

Last year's outbreak of Ebola, I'm British.

You just can't...

APPLAUSE

So, you know, I think we all do make stereotypes but sometimes they work.

Like during the Olympics, for instance.

I remember I was watching the 100 metres final which

was my favourite event.

I was supporting Usain Bolt.

I told my white friend this before the event and he gets very offended.

He's like, "Why are you supporting Usain Bolt, Funmbi?

"He is not British or Nigerian.

"You are only supporting him because he is BLACK."

And I was like, "Dude, it's the 100 metres final,

"they are all black."

LAUGHTER

That's how you decide to back somebody in the 100 metres.

-How do you decide?

-In what?

Say in the 100 metres race.

I will tell you how my mother does it.

She looks at the 100 metres, the line-up, there's no Irish lads,

oddly enough, so she will sit there and wait and wait

and she'll go, "Him!" I say, "Him? Why?"

"Him, the fellow who blessed himself."

LAUGHTER

Star Wars is, apparently it is amazing, I haven't seen it.

They say it is brilliant. And Skellig Michael...

which is an island off the coast of Kerry

in the south of Ireland, is all over it.

There's all these people going to it and locals are a little bit worried.

They are on the news like,

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-"Last year those people came out

"and there would be about 12,000 or so and they came out and they went

"out to the sanctuary, the bird sanctuary,

"they went for the birds and the bees."

They talk like that, it's brilliant.

Everything is slightly magical when you talk like this.

"A lot of people came out and they reflected on the monks' lives

"and the nature and the puffins and the gannets and the seagulls.

"Maybe about 12, maybe 13,000 people between April and October

"and it was lovely and then this year

"we get pricks with lightsabers, what's going on?"

-IMITATES LIGHTSABER

-"I don't know what that is.

"And lads dressed up in all sorts of shite as well.

"And a little green fella going, 'Mm, Skellig Michael, we go to.'

"I don't understand it. And the Wookiee..."

HE HOWLS LIKE WOOKIEE

Yes, the new Star Wars movie is out.

At the end of Return Of The Jedi, the Death Star was blown up.

Essentially Star Wars is now in a post-conflict situation.

I haven't seen it yet but I expect endless talks,

the Stormtroopers renamed the Police Service of the New Empire.

And lots of rebels pretending to be politicians.

So what is our next question tonight?

Who do you blame for Christmas not going to plan?

I massively blame my father.

This thing he does at Christmas that really annoys me.

He falls asleep in the middle of movies.

Obviously, like families, we watch... He always falls asleep

And you have to do this. This is what I do every year, it's amazing.

Every time they fall asleep during a movie, don't wake them up,

that is a rookie mistake. What you have to do is get up, right,

change the film to a film with the same lead actor in it

and sit back down and wake him up and watch the confusion happen.

It is the funnest game.

Last year we were watching Cast Away with Tom Hanks in it.

Changed it to Philadelphia.

My God, how unlucky is this guy?

Finally gets off the island, now he's got AIDS.

Kids are horrible, they're horribly judgmental. Mine are 15 and 13.

I am sitting this out and...

I am not going to stay here, I have got to go home, but...

We're hoping to get through the teenage years.

I bought a new car this year and my kids said,

"Get blacked-out windows." I went, "You want me to look cool?

They went, "No, we don't want other people to see

"who's dropping us off at school."

They genuinely said that. I was talking to them about my dad.

My dad looked like me. Well, I look like him.

He had a beard and moustache...

I look like him but he was an alpha male.

He was like me...but a man.

He was so cool, we had such respect for him.

My kids call me Chubster.

They call me Chubster and the Camp Man. Those are the two...

I promise you. I said, "You don't have any fear of me, do you, Grace?"

And she answered,

-IMITATES HIMSELF:

-"You don't have any fear of me, do you, Grace?"

Martha, my 15-year-old, I was having a row with, and I said,

"Martha, I know what it's like to be 15, you know,

"I was 15 once as well. Do you know what, if you'd known me at 15,"

"we'd have been friends." And she said - I promise this is true -

she said, "Yeah, you'd have been my gay best friend."

Who do you blame for old men becoming dads?

Yes, DUP councillor Tommy Jeffers is to become a father at the age of 73.

Yes, it looks like Ulster doesn't always say no.

And a survey said that couples who had sex once a week are the happiest.

If you've too much sex, apparently you can get bored with your partner.

Which is why my wife finds me absolutely riveting.

But who can we blame for old men becoming dads?

Your wife's bored of me, though.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh...

It's a good news story, as far as I'm concerned.

It's nice to see a DUP councillor who doesn't pull out. And...

73! The important thing to remember here is his wife is not 73.

She's 45, which is still quite old.

And... For...

AUDIENCE BOOS

Typical here. Don't let him finish his sentence, let's just jump in.

Which is quite old to be having a child in this day and age. It is.

40s, it's risky. I wish them well, I do.

It's a tricky thing, you know?

73, could be 74 by the time that child's born.

By that time that child is leaving home, he'll be going into one.

If there are any still open.

And...

Sex at 73, that's got to be... wow. That's not...

There's nothing wrong with people having a sex drive at 73,

but, yeah, she's way younger than him. She's 46, 45. Wow.

You don't want to be in bed with someone going,

"I said that's lovely!"

"You're doing very well!"

"Your programme's going to be on in a minute!"

It does change it, doesn't it?

"Who's your daddy? I might know him."

It's perfect for him, though, because he's 73 now, we think,

so maybe when the baby is born, he's going to be 74.

-If you're DUP, that works out perfectly with the son's age.

-Why?

Because when the son is 16, you're 90.

See, Thought For The Day. I am sick to the back teeth

listening to this on every radio station in the world,

does that, Thought For The Day.

"Now, over to some idiot who speaks on a Sunday

"but has no idea how bad he sounds until he's on the radio."

And then it's some... "I was thinking the other day..."

And it's all metaphors and similes and allegories.

"I was buying an ice cream cone in the park the other day,

"and I ordered from the man in the ice cream boat...

"in the ice cream van, what I wanted.

"And as we all do want things in life and ask for it.

"And I received a 99.

"It was a rather beautiful thing, and, initially,

"I was immensely happy with the 99 cos I'd received what I wanted.

"But, slowly, with the weather being so beautiful as it is today,

"the ice cream started to melt down my hand.

"And I thought, this isn't as good anymore. The thing that I wished for

"all my life is now starting to disappear up my sleeve.

"And as the hundreds and thousands melted under my fingers,

"I thought...

"life's a bit shit, isn't it?"

Every day! Just a different...

And also this week, scientists discovered that some nonsense

words are just inherently funny.

The funniest words they discovered were wibble, wook,

babblesock, flingam and Lurgan.

But who can we blame for what's on our search engines?

I blame all of us.

I blame all of us, and I love it because the more we search,

the more the internet remembers.

And I love the fact you know when you type into Google the beginning

of a sentence or something that you're searching, and it gives you

a little drop down menu of what the rest of the world are searching.

I love it.

And my daughter and I were searching how old somebody was,

and we put in, "How old" and the drop-down menu came down.

Number three on that menu was "How old am I?"

If you're searching how old you are,

you're too old to be on the computer. But I love it.

Also, after my third baby, I had a C-section. Comedy, comedy, comedy!

And... And I googled,

I wanted to know how soon I could go back to the gym.

And I googled "How soon after a C-section can I..."

and the drop-down menu drops down, right.

Number five on that is "How soon after a C-section can I hoover?"

It's bizarre. Around about sixth or seventh,

it's "How soon after a C-section can I have intercourse?"

Now, that's fair enough, you've just had a baby, who cares.

However, if you Google "How soon after a C-section can SHE..."

Very different. It's very different.

And then, of course, we were talking about baby names. You have to

-name the baby ...

-Sorry, in Northern Ireland, that would be "..hoover."

That would be number one.

-It wouldn't be sex.

-Then, I was looking at baby names.

We were talking about earlier on about how difficult it is to

-name babies.

-Sorry, just out of interest, just how long after...?

-Hoover?

-Yeah.

How old is your youngest? 14?

I didn't know who this man was

until that fight thing that happened a couple of weeks ago.

-I'd no idea, I'm not into sport.

-You'd never have guessed.

No, really? No!

And the Tyson Fury thing I thought was a state of mind.

I didn't realise it was his name.

I thought it was going to be Tyson fury, Tyson happy, Tyson hungry.

I didn't realise that was his actual name.

You could have thought he was one of the Fureys, like Finbar Furey.

-Yeah, turns out he's not. And he's a boxer man.

-Boxer man!

Boxer man! Here, I say!

He won some boxing game.

I believe that's an accurate description of it there.

And he got battered round the head by some fella, and he battered him

not as hard as he battered the other fella, and he won.

Sports Personality Of The Year, oxymoron, and I thought, well,

this Tyson Fury fella has got one half of that correct.

Because he's running around with his religious beliefs,

saying that he's a homophobe,

and he believes homosexuality is a sign of the Armageddon,

and all of this kind of thing.

And people here are sort of going, "Yeah, well, we're used to that."

-And...

-What is said is women,

their place is either in the kitchen or on their backs.

And he says that's a man, that's what a real man thinks.

And we know a real man thinks.

Real man changes babies' nappies,

a real man shares the house work with his wife.

A real man ensures his partner achieves their optimum.

Is that everything my wife's written? Is that everything?

It says it there, "Look, if you say all those things,

"I'll let you wear that stupid scarf."

-Is Fury a normal surname anyway?

-It is, he's an Irishman.

He changed it. He did change it, though.

He was Tyson Angry Bastard.

But I do think...

Tyson O'Toole he was at one point as well.

I do think thank God he's a boxer, because his dad,

his dad called him Tyson. And that expectation.

My God, imagine that had happened to someone like me, being called Tyson.

Imagine being Tyson Fury - hairdresser to the stars,

or something.

Now, what a week it's been.

Storm Desmond battered the UK and Ireland.

Storm Donald Trump battered the reputation of America.

And Storm Nigel Dodds turned out to be a damp squib.

Yes, congratulations to Arlene Foster who will be the new DUP leader

and First Minister.

Arlene is from Fermanagh,

perhaps our most picturesque county.

Honestly, the countryside in Fermanagh is so wonderful,

you could frack for miles down there.

Now, if you've suffered from the floods this week or had a power cut,

you have our sympathy, but remember things could always be worse.

I mean, you could be a Muslim just about to go on holiday to America...

..who supports Manchester United.

Now, on with the show.

The audience ask the questions

and our panel provide some very unreliable answers.

So, what is our first question tonight from you, the audience?

"Who's to blame for the panel always having a dig about Lurgan?"

Says Jacqueline from Lurgan.

Can I just say, I've never had a dig at Lurgan.

I LOVE Buckfast.

Jacqueline, are you here?

There you are. Thank you for coming from Lurgan to Belfast.

It's not as if you can have a night out in Lurgan, is it?

Jacqui, can I ask who did the writing for you on the...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ohhhh!

-APPLAUSE

-Hold on, no, no, no,

you don't get to clap and go "Ohhh!" at the same time. Make up your mind!

"Who's to blame for Jake O'Kane dressing like Bob Cratchit?"

Says Annie in Downpatrick.

Who do you blame for funny money?

An RTE television programme

has exposed some councillors down south as being open to bribes.

The electoral system is different down south.

Down there, they elect politicians and then find out they're criminals.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You're way ahead of me there!

One councillor, Hugh McElvaney,

demanded 10,000 in Sterling rather than euro

because he might be corrupt, but he's not stupid.

But who can we blame for funny money?

I suppose I'd better take this one

considering it's my part of the island.

Have you seen the undercover footage of the Monaghan fella?

He is brilliant.

They set up this fake company, RTE did,

and then this Icelandic woman was chatting to him

and she was like, "What can you do for us?"

And he was like,

-LOUDLY AND SLOWLY:

-"Here, I will do my homework

"cos I know a load of people around the area."

He's talking to her like she had broken English.

Her English was better than his English, right,

and she goes, "What do you want?"

And he goes, "If this is unsuccessful,

"I don't want any money,

"but if this is successful, I want loads of money!"

And then he goes like this, he goes...

Like the Macarena of bribery.

That's not the only funny money one.

There's another one, it's a brilliant one.

A Catholic priest in Italy, he's been arrested

because somebody left ten million quid to the parish

and he spent 70 grand of the money, allegedly.

He spent it on Mediterranean cruises or some sort of break,

two fancy cars, a motorbike and a face-lift for his ma.

How do you even bring that up?

-ITALIAN ACCENT:

-"Mama..."

Cos he's from a Dolmio ad.

"Mama, I know you have a great devotion to the Virgin Mary,

"but you know the best thing about the Virgin Mary?

"She never let herself go."

Trident missiles in Derry?

No offence to Derry or Londonderry, both places are lovely...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

They're lovely, but, come on, they're very temperamental.

And Derry, you can imagine the wee guy with his hand on the button,

someone from Derry, even the letters coming in.

"Here, Mrs Doherty, they've put Londonderry on this again! Jesus..."

"Mrs Doherty, Mrs Doherty, phone Mr Doherty!

"I've hit the button, Mrs Doherty! I've hit the button!"

And nothing happens in Derry over lunchtime.

"Wise up, eh? I'm having my lunch here. Will you wise up?

"Will you stop going ballistic?"

"Mrs Doherty, I've hit the button!"

"It's not the end of the world. Will you settle down?"

"Settle down."

40 years to get rid of bombs in Northern Ireland

and now Jeffrey Donaldson's going, "Come on in with that big one."

It'll end up burned out in the Brandywell,

see if it's a Trident submarine.

Seriously, it'll be in the middle of a housing estate

and nobody will know how it got there.

How desperate do you have to be to flee Syria, get in a wee boat,

go across that sea, risk your life, get to Italy,

travel through Europe, get to France...

and then they send you to Derry?

That's got to be...

As if these people haven't got enough to cope with,

they're from a war-torn area,

they've been completely discriminated against

for most of their lives

and now they have to welcome people from Syria.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, what is our next question tonight?

Who do you blame for Uber coming to Northern Ireland?

Yes, Uber taxis are coming to Belfast.

Just what we need - more people whingeing about bus lanes.

But who can we blame for Uber coming to Belfast?

All the local companies are going, "It's the end of the world!

"We're all going to be unemployed,

"all the desk staff are going to be unemployed."

Good! Good! Liars!

I have never got one of them in my life who's told the truth.

You phone and you say, "I'm going to the airport.

"I need a taxi at eight o'clock." "No problem, pal, eight o'clock.

"No problem. Eight o'clock."

Ten past eight - "Listen, pal..."

"He's at the top of the street, pal, and he's turning the corner.

"Go away in, two minutes."

25 past... "Listen, pal, I'm going to miss the plane."

"Listen, we rang your bell. He's just after ringing your bell, pal."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I like it when you don't have to talk to the people

and you don't have to do that...

Cos the people that worked in those taxi depots, wow,

if you're out there, wow...

Those voices - mm-mm-mm!

Those people certainly aren't single with speaking voices like that!

-COARSE:

-"What do you want?"

-SOPHISTICATED:

-And hello to you, too.

I would seek a conveyance, please, from the city centre

going to the outskirts, somewhere in the suburbs.

-COARSE:

-"No problem, it'll be about ten minutes."

And being in a cab when they used to have the radios,

it wasn't that long ago, either, and you're in a cab and you hear this...

I was in a cab once in the middle of town, stuck in traffic

and the radio was on, he had the wee speaker thing

and you hear the woman coming through from the dispatch,

beautiful speaking voice, and she says,

-COARSE:

-"Anybody free to pick up at the Co?

"Anybody free to pick up at the Co?"

Nobody was free. "Anybody free to pick up at the Co?"

I was wishing someone would just say yes, just stop her talking.

And eventually this guy did answer and I swear to God,

this guy was French, this guy had a French accent

or he was putting it on.

It was fantastic. "Anybody free to pick up at the Co?"

All you heard through the speaker was,

-HUSKY FRENCH ACCENT:

-"I will."

Thank you very much for that. Just time now for a quickfire round.

I will read you various newspaper headlines

and, unlike an on-the-run Republican,

I want you to finish your sentence.

There was a smattering of applause there,

a lot of Republicans over there.

"Three reasons to die."

Larne, Lisburn, Strabane.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"The reason love hurts."

Because you're doing it unnaturally!

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-It's not right!

"How long is this going to take?"

Foreplay in Ireland.

"Glastonbury sells out in half an hour."

It took Sinn Fein three years.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ohhhhh!

"Peter Robinson tipped for peerage."

Still won't make Iris a lady.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ohhhhh!

APPLAUSE

I think you know you've gone too far if I go, "Ah..."

And, finally, "a bush too far".

Beautician runs out of wax.

Well, that's it, that's the end of the show.

Next week, I'll be back with Colin, Jake and Neil

when we'll be delivering a special Blame Game review of 2015.

So, remember, until then, don't blame yourselves - blame each other!

Goodbye!