Episode 1 The Great Outdoors

First one of the season and no-one's turned up.

We're half an hour early! Half an hour!

You're right. I'm always like this, aren't I?

But no-one's coming. It's a disaster.

-I came, Bob.

-Cos you live in the back of my car, Tom.

-Yeah. Yeah.

Can you read it? Maybe the lines are too thin. Stand over there.

-What does it say?

-"Walking club".

-Yeah. Back a bit.

-"Walking club".

"Walking club". "Walking club".

"Vintage...?" I can't read it. What does it say?

-"Walking club".

-No.

The line's too thin.

Come on, Hazel.

Tickets and Railcards, please.

I bet people get caught out when you ask that.

-They have to fish around in their pocket for their ticket.

-Yeah.

Not me. I always know EXACTLY where my ticket is.

I have a special pocket. It's the only thing I use the pocket for.

Going rambling, are you?

No. I'm going walking.

"Rambling" suggests aimlessly wandering.

I always know exactly where I'm going. A bit like this train.

And I'll be walking with my friends.

I haven't met them yet. I just moved to the area.

A walking club is one of the best ways to meet people.

-I read it on 14 different websites.

-Have fun.

I've also got a special pocket for my Polo mints.

Do you want to guess which one it is?

-Morning.

-Morning.

-Do you sell pens?

-Just over there.

£1.99 for that one.

Just give it a bit of a test.

Hm...

-I never get on with a chisel tip.

-We've got round ones.

Ah.

Hm, that's, er...

You see, now that, I'm afraid, is overly round. Just, um...

Let me just, um...

Tom.

Not quite right.

-Anyway, thank you.

-Come on! Buy something!

-Matches. Buy some matches.

-Lovely little shop you've got.

HAZEL: £2, please. £2. Anybody got the right money?

Right. Let's have a look.

Two, four...

Six, seven, nine.

I just don't think we need surround sound.

You need that for the bass.

It's a barbecue.

With an integrated HD TV. Not to get it would be a false economy.

..eight. That's 30...

Welcome to the first outing of the year for the Mid Bucks Walking Club.

I'm Bob Stevens. Anyone here completely new to rambling?

Lunch is on you, then!

No, please. That was a joke.

Thank you. We will be eating at a terrific little pub.

12 ales, no music and their pies have pastry on the sides and bottom.

If you whack filling into a dish and slap pastry on top, it's not a steak and kidney pie...

-It's a steak and kidney lie, Bob.

-Well said, Tom.

I have to ask, does anyone have an irrational fear of cattle grids?

This has come up more than once.

No-one convinced they'll fall through a two-inch slot and make us go on a one-hour detour? Good.

The first-aid kit is held by my delightful daughter Hazel.

She wanted to be a doctor but now she wants to hang about in Thailand then do media studies.

So while you're getting a plaster, ask her where it all went wrong.

Let's get ready to ramble!

And just cos some of us have beards and we're in the country,

doesn't necessarily mean we're part of an Al-Qaeda training cell!

No, come on. Please. That was just a lighthearted...comment.

Oh, dear.

Oh, sorry. I forgot to say we do set conversation topics for every mile.

A bit walk-Nazi but if we don't, we spend four hours discussing speed cameras.

Mile one topic is...

Dinner with a Beatle. Living or dead. Which Beatle?

Which wife?

And what's on the menu? On we go.

I'm sorry. I don't understand.

-There's no quiz?

-I'm Bob. Hello.

-I was in the Barnstaple Ramblers.

We had a quiz. They were very successful. I'm Christine.

-Christine?

-I did say that.

The thing about quizzes is, um...

Well, you... I know this is your walk.

-Hm.

-But quizzes are better than conversation topics.

-Are they?

-Yes.

You can have questions about all sorts of things, like history.

I might say, "Who was the fourth wife of Henry VIII?"

You might say, "Catherine Howard." You'd be wrong, so no points.

-That's how a Barnstaple quiz works.

-I think I understand.

They can be questions about things like sport or geography.

Don't get too far ahead.

-Literature, that's another quiz question.

-Uh-huh.

-Science.

That's another. Film, television.

-Annoying suggestions?

-No. That wouldn't work. That's subjective.

-It has to have a definite answer.

-People who don't take hints?

No. That's the same problem. You don't really understand.

-People understood in Barnstaple.

-You're not in Barnstaple, I notice.

No. I had to move.

They must miss you very much.

Written your ad yet, Tom? Yeah. Yeah.

Um... "Mature man seeks lady for sex, marriage and maybe more.

"Please, please help. I don't want to die alone, like Dad,

"when they find you and the cats have eaten your face.

"Have bubbly personality."

It's a bit much.

Ooh, yeah.

I've gone over the word limit, haven't I?

You relaxed, yet?

-Y-yeah.

-Sure?

-Yeah.

Cos you don't look relaxed. You look like a "my year of hell" picture.

-I had to let people go again.

-Oh, leave it at work, Soph.

The guy was crying, just crying in my office.

And it's times like that I think what if,

just for a while, I gave myself a pay cut and you got a job, and...

I can't work. Planning the extension's a job in itself.

That snooker room is our dream we've worked towards for five years.

We're a team, yeah?

-Don't let the team down.

-I'm sorry. I'm so selfish.

Sometimes you are, babe, but I love you to bits.

-She's trouble.

-Who is?

Christine. Looks like Ranulph Fiennes on HRT.

That one? The one I'm pointing at?

It'll be a nightmare if she keeps coming. She's a back-chatter.

Like Dave McClusky.

Two strokes, cancer of the bowel and he kept coming back like a hiking Terminator.

Thank God he moved to Skye.

We need new people. I want to keep coming, but not if we're dwindling.

It's this or badminton. If we don't keep new people, match point badminton.

I'll make this the biggest and best walking club in the Chilterns.

Milton Keynes Marchers better hide in their toilet. We are on our way!

HORN HONKS

HORN HONKS

Are you the walking club?

-The very same.

-You can get out, you twat!

-This is my brother, Victor.

-Hazel?

It is Hazel, isn't it?

I completely didn't know you'd be here. How about that?

-Bit freaky.

-You running a marathon?

Tennis! Why does everyone think it's only marathons you do in fancy dress?

-Charity thing?

-Saving rhinos. They only had two suits so he's a Womble.

- Still a rare mammal. - That's what we thought.

-I'm Bob. Hello to you. How did you hear about us?

-Saw the poster.

She did put it up. Never did before. Too worried about looking cool.

Welcome. We always want fresh blood, like zombies or the NHS.

Could afford natural wastage now... Christine.

He was supposed to be playing with us.

-Reckons he's going to get off with some girl in his year!

-No, no!

-He's joking. I really like walking.

-Good man, Victor.

-£2 please.

-Pick you up at 6, you shit-head!

Thank you.

-So, Tom. What is it you do?

-I'm long-term unemployed.

-I'm sorry. How long's it been?

-One...one and a half weeks.

I've been out of work before. I want to make a go of it this time.

Oooh! That's a very strong grip you've got there, Tom.

I used to handle livestock.

Sorry.

-What are you doing here, Victor?

-I saw the poster.

-No.

-The poster was in the bin.

-So was my head. Football team put me there.

Don't tell anyone that I go hiking with my dad.

Becky will Facebook Hannah, Hannah will text Amy and Amy will Tweet everyone!

-Does it matter?

-They think I'm doing work experience at Stella McCartney. Don't ask me out.

-I like walking. I'm all over it.

-Those are new boots.

I know a lot about boots. Don't ask me out. There will be punishment.

When you think about it, we are outdoors, so that's "out".

And we're going somewhere together. So if someone asks...

-You know that thing you do where words come out of your mouth?

-Yeah.

-Can you stop that?

Hazel, you know I didn't mean it earlier.

You're going to take media studies by storm.

You will write essays about Come Dine With Me that sound really worthwhile.

-Thanks, Dad.

-Look at you! 17 already.

-Your mum would have been so proud.

-She isn't dead.

No, but she's in Cyprus, and not in a good place spiritually.

The villa's nearly finished. They've got an infinity pool.

-Does that make them happy?

-Yup.

-Hazel, tell him that thing you told me.

-There is no thing.

She's got a little petrol scooter inside the villa.

-You made her so sick of walking, she never wants to walk.

-I see.

Oh, sure you'll get over her, Bob. Time's a great healer.

-Yes, it is.

-We're with BUPA.

You probably can't afford that, so it's just time for you.

Someone will come into your life. Maybe she already has.

So, we're cutting back and it really hurts.

I think we're well placed to weather a recession.

People will always want square candles.

-You make square candles?

-Make them, sell them.

Shop in Cambridge, shop in Edinburgh, four shops in Bath.

Four in Bath? A lot for one town.

You obviously haven't been to Bath.

-What do you do for work?

-Maths, geography and further maths.

Oh. You're still at school.

LAUGHS

-How old are you?

-17.

-So it would be legal.

-What?

Driving. Driving.

Would be legal.

-LAUGHING:

-I thought you meant...

I'm very happy with my husband.

We never had to wait for stragglers in Barnstaple.

We always stayed together. It's the way we did it in Barnstaple.

Christine, that is a very big rucksack for this walk.

I'm prepared for a nightmare scenario, Bob. Are you?

-Is that a holster?

-For the flare gun.

That'll come in useful for the Somali pirates

you get these days on the Grand Union canal(!)

In Barnstaple, we were prepared for the worst.

You had the worst. You were in Barnstaple.

You don't need to spend a lot to enjoy a walk. Look at these boots.

Guess how much they cost.

-It's a low figure, otherwise you wouldn't ask me.

-Have a stab.

-One pence.

-No.

-Two pence.

-No.

-Three pence.

-No.

-I'm being thorough.

-A bigger number.

-£1,500.

-That's just stupid.

-Was it more or less than £1,500?

-Well, do a reasonable number.

Ask me, "Were your boots £50?"

Were your boots £50?

Nowhere near.

-What are they doing, Bob?

-For goodness' sake!

Pub kitchen will be shut.

Ah! I want me scampi!

-SHOUTS:

-It's called a horizon! We've all seen one before!

SCOFFS

People like that need a good kick up the backside.

Tom!

-No. No, no.

-WOMAN: That really hurt me!

Come on, please. Please.

He's very sorry.

He wouldn't normally hurt a fly unless he's had more than two pints.

-Or he's hungry. Or he's seen a fly.

-He kicked us!

-Only because he asked me to!

-You asked him to?

No. In a way. You have to admit you were going quite slowly.

Which is no justification.

Come on. All of this...

It doesn't make it right, I know.

You can find a turn of speed when you want to!

-I'll write to the Bucks Herald.

-And I'll wipe my arse on it!

And his!

They had an Ocado delivery booked. If you're not in, they tend to cram it through the letter box.

In Barnstaple, you wouldn't have treated people like that.

It's not the Barnstaple way.

-Say Barnstaple once more, you're off the walk.

-I'd never give an ultimatum in...

-North Devon.

-You're off the walk.

-I didn't say Barnstaple.

-A-ha!

-Bus stop's down there.

-I've paid my £2.

If I've paid for the walk, I'm staying. It's my entitlement.

-Fair's fair, Bob.

-All right.

She can stay but she doesn't vote on group decisions.

-Nor do the rest of us.

-Onward and upward. Follow me.

Bob's OK, once you get to know him. Which you won't, admittedly.

I'm not everyone's flavour. I do know that.

It's my pheromones. They're quite potent.

I can't go near a field with a ram in it this time of year.

There's other ways to make friends in them thar hills.

If I can't find friends walking,

I'll find 'em bell ringing. They're always looking for new people.

GROANS

This might sound dramatic, but my foot might die.

-New boots giving you a man blister?

-So, why won't you go out with me?

-You haven't actually asked.

-You'd say no straight away.

-Yes, I would.

-But why won't you?

Just think, "She's probably gay. That's why she's not interested." It'll help a bit.

If you are gay, that's OK. We'll be friends.

-And when the time comes, I'll go on the tube for you.

-What?

When you want a baby I'll help with the spermatozoa. I've got loads.

-You charmer(!)

-The New Scientist said 17, most fertile I'll be.

-Then it's double heads and wonky tails. Froze some at home.

-Sperm in your freezer?

Hid it in the cube tray at the back. Someone's had a few.

-Down to my last 900 million. Are you gay?

-No.

-Will you go out with me?

This is my answer. I'm going to throw this boot into those nettles.

You can hop home but you can't follow us.

-This demonstrates what an unsuitable girlfriend I'd be to anyone.

-Bye.

-I'll be blanking you at school on Monday.

-OK.

-BLOWS WHISTLE

-Lunch ahoy!

Best little rooting tooting pub in the Chilterns.

-In Barnstaple...

-You went to a magic pub.

You were served by elves and drank nectar from a unicorn's horn.

-Actually, we brought sandwiches.

-A hidden gem, this.

Massive portions, modest prices. A proper pub.

Don't tell the world about it. Come on.

What the hell...?

We've gone gastro.

-It was perfect.

-No-one knew we were here.

Boss reckons this is the way forward.

Thinks he's Heston Blumenthal.

-Caught him cooking an egg with a soldering iron.

-£18 for a main!

That's quite a lot, Bob.

You should have checked, Bob.

Well, let's have a drink and figure it out from there.

I'll have a cosmopolitan.

Tom, you like a Foster's.

I want a cosmopolitan. I saw it on that show with the slags.

- Sex And The City. - That's it.

I can't believe you're having an alcoholic drink. It's dehydrating.

I'll have one as well. Two cosmopolitans, please.

-We've got a sophisticated side.

-We do. Some Mr Porky's as well.

Oh, God! He's going to put them in a bowl!

-So, where's your friend?

-Squirrels got him. Elected him their king.

-He went home.

-Frighten him off with your attitude did you? Tom!

-Molecule of beef with raspberry froth. £21.

-We work hard, love.

-We've earned that molecule.

-It doesn't sound very big.

Fills you up, does froth!

Eureka!

"May Madness! Special offer.

"Have one sticky toffee pudding, get one free."

"Have one", not "buy one"!

-They mean "buy one".

-We just need to buy one pudding.

The person who eats the free one "had it", which means a free one.

-Pudding after pudding after pudding.

-The wording IS ambiguous, Bob.

-But I don't think your pudding domino scheme will work.

-It will.

It's English law! A runaway chain reaction, with pudding instead of uranium 235!

I knew I'd come up with something.

-I fancy that molecule.

-That's my girl.

This is what we're going to do.

I have discovered the secret of infinite pudding.

Now, then...

-Bloody ramblers!

-Never been thrown out before.

Well, one place, but I'm a different person now.

-I didn't finish me slut drink.

-It said "Have one, get one free."

-Not "buy one", "have one".

-Dad!

Please don't go! There's a church.

We'll ask the vicar for some food.

He's got to give us some. It's in the Bible. Please!

Please stay.

You've got emergency rations in there. Don't deny it.

6,474 calories, but I would not classify this as a survival situation.

-Stay away from the rucksack!

-TOM: Let's eat this.

Where did you get that? Round the back in a hutch.

-We could syphon off some petrol and cook it.

-Put it back now!

-CHILD: Dad! Cottontail's gone!

-Get rid of it!

Not like that!

Everybody run! Time to run now!

Quick as you can.

-Drop the flare gun.

-From my cold dead hands.

Tom.

-Deftly done, Tom.

-There's no-one new left, Bob.

We said we don't want to carry on unless the club's growing.

There's Christine.

I'm off the walk, Bob. Your words returning like a verbal boomerang.

-We've been thinking.

-We haven't got one new person.

I come on these walks to relax and, frankly, they get a bit stressful.

-It's the end of the club, Bob.

-No, it isn't.

It can't be.

We all need this.

We spend our lives in little rooms guzzling information we don't need. We need to be outside.

To breathe the air.

Look out!

Yup. Yeah, that works.

I've only got nine flares left, now.

Suppose that's enough to get me to Chinnor.

Christine.

Wonderfully well-equipped Christine.

I know your outer wear is impervious to rain and wind, snow and ice.

Acids and alkalis.

Is there a way to reach through it to your heart

and persuade you...

-..to join our little band?

-People think you get hot in it.

You don't because of the breathable vents.

This club, this is all I've got. It gets me through the week.

I'm locked in my work dungeon. "Oi, Granddad! Do this, do that!"

You mention once someone using mayonnaise from the fridge.

You marked the level.

Friday afternoon, your car's all covered in Hellmann's.

"Oh, there's your mayonnaise, Granddad.

"You've got to have a sense of humour."

That's my life.

Your life is mayonnaise?

I-I'm sorry, Bob. I'm confused.

Wait there.

What's it going to take?

Of course I don't know where I am.

-Come, anyway.

-Get your boot on, you're back on the walk.

-Hang on.

-Don't know if I want to be now.

-You love walking, you said.

I don't. The countryside is rubbish.

Hasn't got a roof and doesn't have wi-fi.

I only came to ask you out and you don't want to know.

-If you come on the walks, I'll kiss you.

-Nice.

Not now. In a month.

-In a month?

-Yes, near enough to give you some hope.

-Far away enough that I don't have to worry.

-You'll kiss me in a month?

-I will.

-On the mouth.

-Damn. On the mouth.

-And tell ten people at school that I'm all right.

-I'll stop telling five people that you're a twat.

-Works out the same.

Dad. Victor's back. That's one new person. The club's OK.

-That's just grand(!)

-What's happened?

Meet our new deputy leader.

-Victor, go home.

-A promise is a promise.

-You could have told me.

-Deputy leader? I've been coming since I was in a sling.

-I thought...

-Hot chip! Enough!

We won't have any squabbling any more, please.

Tell her, Bob. Tell her like I told you.

Because sometimes we'll do things my way.

Sometimes, we'll do them... the Barns...

Barnstaple way. See? Wasn't hard. Here's your oat bar. Thank you.

-Have you got any fruit?

-Yes.

-Can I have some?

-No.

I'm pleased you came back, Victor. We're going to have a lot of fun.

-I hope so.

-Call me at work.

Now, everyone. What an afternoon stretches before us!

Two aqueducts, one World War II pillbox

and the conversational topic is...

Morse or Gadget. Who's the best inspector?

-On y va.

-BLOWS WHISTLE

-Why don't I have a badge?

-The deputy walk leader gets a special badge.

An invisible one.

Humidity's up.

A high cotton mix. 17.99. Sometimes you have to treat yourself.

-You've been walking a bit with Christine today.

-I know.

-She's a woman and everything. She IS a woman?

-Technically.

Wooo! Getting busy in the bushes.

-No.

-Absolutely not.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd