Episode 2 The Great Outdoors

I really thought we'd get some extra people today.

-You put the ad in, didn't you, Tom?

-Yes. Here we go...

under Local Activities, "Trousers for sale, slightly worn, hole in crotch, mendable. £5.

"Also come to the Mid-Bucks Walking Club. Meet 10am..."

Yeah. Tom, since I gave you the money to put the ad in,

it might have been nice if you'd given the walking club top billing.

I was trying to kill two birds with one stone, plus I thought if anyone came on the walk

they could sort of see the trousers in action, what they can do and all that.

They can even have a go in them, sort of try before you buy. It's not even that big a hole. Look!

I mean, I can't even get my thumb in there. Oh, I can.

There she is.

Morning.

-SAT NAV:

-"Turn right in three yards."

"Turn left in two yards."

"You have reached your destination."

Dad...

How's it going to work now she's deputy walk leader?

Don't you worry about that. She's Amanda Holden, she's Nick Clegg.

She's the white-haired woman who used to sit next to Alan Sugar.

We all know where the real power lies.

I don't know why you're all standing there. This is where the walk begins.

HE BLOWS HIS WHISTLE

Welcome to the second walking club expedition of the season.

It's a very special one today because we'll be walking through three counties -

Bedfordshire, Hertfordshire and the old favourite...

-Lancashire?

-Buckinghamshire. What about that? One walk, three counties.

That's why I've called today's the Treble Trick.

STRANGE MUSIC PLAYS

-So what's this?

-Deputy walk leader is responsible for the pre-walk stretching.

-Certainly how we did it in Barnstaple.

-You'll never get this lot doing that.

This music's nice.

Synthesised bird song. Tests show it's 18% more relaxing than real bird song.

When did we discuss this, exactly?

It's one of the innovations we'll be rolling out. I did send you emails.

Yes, the emails. Got a bit of a problem with emails.

Some of them keep moving themselves into the recycling bin. No idea why.

That's a very serious problem.

You need to speak to your system administrator

without delay.

Luckily, I brought printouts.

This is great. I'm really loosening up.

Right, that's enough.

-Let's walk.

-I say that.

Let's walk.

Yep, let's walk.

Turn left in two yards.

OK, general note to everyone, can we please not spend the whole walk with our noses in our little devices?

We're slaves to our screens all week but, here we get to enjoy the sun on our face

-and the rain on our cheeks, don't we?

-Is it going to rain?

I'll check the forecast.

What did I say?

What's that, Bob?

-That is my walk leader badge. I always wear it.

-Never seen it before.

I always wear it from now on. It's for when new people join the group.

Got a question, they know who to ask.

-Actually, I've got a question, Bob.

-Excellent.

Why don't I have a badge?

Ah, now the deputy walk leader gets a very special badge.

It's an invisible one. Everyone's happy.

I don't want an invisible badge, Bob.

It's on you now and it suits you.

This way.

I'm not very good at picking up signals but I think Bob might have a problem with my new role.

I think Bob likes you. He's never given me an invisible badge.

I may seem tough but I have a heart on the inside and it has feelings.

-Like a Dalek.

-Very well put, Tom.

-You certainly have a way with words.

-Tell me!

-So then...

-Here we go.

-It's two weeks till that kiss you promised me.

I wonder what it'll be like. I think...

Victor, I promise you, if you hold me to this it will be the most average two seconds of your life.

I've been good. I haven't told anyone you're a rambler.

And that is why you still have a face and an even number of balls.

No, every Saturday for me is work experience at a major fashion house.

It is a big lie and that is why everyone believes it. Now shhhh.

Ah. Sure this is the way, Bob?

Green highlighter cannot lie.

Excuse me, excuse me! I think you'll find this is a right of way.

Sorry, we've got a touch of foot-and-mouth. Path's closed.

-Foot-and-mouth, that would be a national news story, wouldn't it?

-Ah.

You're one of the clever ones. I have other excuses, depending on what mood I'm in.

I'll be honest, I don't like ramblers, come across here, straight through my yard,

frightening the chickens with their beards. It's nothing personal, I just hate all of you.

-This is a public right of way. You are legally obliged to open this gate right now.

-If we're getting legal,

you give me the name of the law and the right year and I'll let you through.

Well, I don't know the name of the act off the top of my head but...

Christine! Look it up on your phone thing.

Sorry, Bob, I'm afraid, as requested, I'm keeping my nose out of my little device.

We'll go round on the road, it's probably not far.

I'll stay here until the gates open.

Right, go on the road, but we'll do so with our heads held high and you,

sir, have made yourself look very stupid in front of all these people.

You've really embarrassed yourself.

In fact, you have...

Oh, he's gone.

How you been then, Sophie?

Thanks for asking, Victor.

She's got all this stress-related stuff back again.

Panic attacks, insomnia, can't orgasm.

It's very challenging, running specialist candle outlets right now.

You wouldn't believe this, but there's only another square candle place

-opened up over the from her best shop.

-We said we weren't going to talk about that.

-It's Sophie's sanctuary Saturday.

-Candle Barbara. That's what it's called, Candle Barbara, candelabra.

It's buggered your foot fall a bit, hasn't it, love?

Life's tough for us all. Just because she earns her money, doesn't mean I've got it easy.

Builders still haven't tiled the snooker room and what time did I have to get up

-to watch the Japanese Grand Prix?

-Five.

-Five.

-Come on. You still trying for upstairs inside with Hazel?

-That's not why I come.

I tell you what you want to do, get a car and sort your clothes out

and stop walking around with a face like a chipmunk trying to do a shit.

Don't listen to them.

I think you look pretty good as you are.

It's nice to have another woman in the group, Christine.

-I mean, a grown-up woman.

-Yes.

I suppose we can have girlie chats now, can't we?

-Let's have one now, a girlie chat.

-All right then.

Erm, I don't know where to start.

What about when you're on a date, a hot date with a hunk, and you walk

-into a cocktail bar and suddenly you break your high heel?

-Yeah.

And what about when you're having a bubbly bath and you suddenly remember

you've left your bar of chocolate in the other room but you don't want to get out?

Or you're buying handbags and they throw you out, and all you were doing was stress testing the handles,

and if they break at the first tug then they're not properly made.

-Do you have many female friends, Christine?

-I've got you now.

I'm surprised, Victor. I gave you my card but you didn't call me at work.

Yes, I sort of wasn't sure what you wanted.

Advice about computers, of course.

You seem to know a lot about them and I'm looking to upgrade my system.

Oh. Well, we can talk about it now if you like.

Yeah. That would be good.

Let's talk about it in these woods.

All right.

Dad.

Ah, the asking voice, the Bank of Dad is now open.

-It's not that, it's just Mum wants me to go over to theirs in Cyprus this summer.

-I see. How long for?

-The whole summer.

-Right. Well, if that's what you want, you know, I'll get by.

I don't want to go for six weeks. It's miles from any where and they haven't got an infinity pool.

I measured it, it's only ten feet wide.

-So I was thinking, you would say you wouldn't let me go.

-What? No!

Listen, then we'll compromise and I'll go for a week.

So I've got to be the bastard? A month of phone calls from Keith because she's not going to ring me,

-and all her friends tutting at me over the apples in Morrisons.

-Thanks, Dad.

-What?

-You're brilliant, Dad.

-No, we're not finished! I love you, Daddio!

What you might want is an open source system and that saves you money but what you don't get...

is the customer support.

And also, the firewall...

Now, Joe, if we were to introduce enhancements to the club...

Don't ask me what I want. I don't care. I only come on these things because Sophie likes it.

She hasn't realised how pointless walking is but she will.

She's a clever girl. She's the love of my life, that woman.

Couldn't tell you what I'd do if I didn't have her.

Ooh... Have you got a big knife I could borrow?

Jesus, where did you get this?

Canada. They use it for stabbing bears.

-What do you want it for?

-Ooh. Little surprise.

-Christine, if anyone asks, I'm just nipping into the woods...

-I've got just the thing.

It's called...

..a she-wee.

Shall I show you how to use it? Now you place the unit securely against the pelvic region,

-directing the exit pipe away and in front, away and in front.

-Yeah, sure.

-The liquid repellent coating should ensure no drips.

-Thank you.

-I'm quite an important woman in your life now, aren't I?

-Well...

The walking club is very important to you and I am the deputy leader, and your mum's not around,

so you might find yourself looking to me as some kind of a role model, which is fine.

Return it to me in the zippy bag when you're done.

Sealed!

So what's happening here then, Sophie, exactly?

I'm getting something for myself, Victor.

-But Joe...

-Joe sits there with the remote all day, that's what he does.

Do you ever get the feeling that you just want to grab the remote and watch what you like?

-I watch telly on my computer mostly.

-We'll meet. Once a week, no strings.

I've got an account with Crowne Plaza.

You'll only last a couple of minutes but you're young, you've got powers of recovery.

Yeah, this is meant to be a bit of a fantasy, isn't it?

-Kiss me back.

-Oh that hurts! Oh.

So that'll work with my existing spread sheets then?

You shouldn't have any compatibility issues, no.

-Bob, what's that?

-What?!

-Oh, Lampard, you dick!

-Thank you.

Humidity's up, we need airflow channels in the higher cotton mix.

17.99. Sometimes you have to treat yourself.

You've got all sorts in there, haven't you?

So... what do you want from this walking club?

Oh, er, well, I did have one idea but Bob said it wasn't practical.

-Go on.

-We get a donkey on a rope, right, and we bring it on a walk.

We put a barrel of cider on its back and we can drink the cider. It's called the cider donkey.

Oh. That's very imaginative. What is it you want from life?

-Just to get on the sick.

-No but if you were aiming a little bit higher.

-Look, what's Tom good at? What are Tom's skills?

-Who's Tom?

You are. I'm talking about you in the third person, it's what my therapist does - did.

-Oh, well, Tom can make things with my hands. Tom can build things out of wood.

-There you go.

-Tom can make furniture.

-Now you're talking!

Well, as long as they put the Allen key in the box.

I mean, without that, it just sort of sits there, doesn't it, until Tom burns it in the yard?

-What was I looking at there?

-Don't tell Joe, please don't.

-Don't tell Joe what?

-She just jumped on me. What you saw, that was it.

She does want to meet up once a week in a hotel for some sexing about

but I definitely don't want to do that. I mean, probably definitely not, I think.

I'm not saying that I will, cos I won't but if I did,

-it wouldn't get in the way of me and you, would it?

-Yes, I think it would, Victor.

And there is nothing to get in the way of, so there. Ha-ha-ha! Straight back at you!

Ah! Now, from here, we're looking at all three counties - Bucks, Beds and Herts, all coming together

in a glorious landscape threesome to make one of the most beautiful vistas in the whole of England.

So let's just take a minute.

Excuse me, Bob.

I'm just geo-tagging it...

and then I'm going to send it to all of you.

VARIOUS BEEPS AND BUZZES

-That's nice.

-That looks wonderful, that's really good.

-Lovely...

-Right, let's move on.

Er, just a minute.

-Thank you.

-Wait a minute. What are you actually doing?

In the bag.

-I need that.

-What are you doing?

Look, I've been very quiet about this whole thing.

-Oh...!

-No! Enough is enough.

You're missing the whole world because you can't get through

five minutes without playing a video game or seeing if Stephen Fry is stuck in a lift.

So all the phones are staying in the bag for a lovely little holiday.

And how am I supposed to update my walk blog?

-Tom, make sure no-one uses these.

-No, Bob, you don't...

I am glad I got this response because it means I'm getting through to you all.

-Fine.

-You're going to be wound up the whole time.

-Come on, let's go.

-That's really patronising.

-Dad...

-Dad!

-Hazel.

What's Tom done with the bag?

Oh, God.

-Oh, no!

-Come on.

I mean, bloody hell, Tom, it's like I'm Henry II, you're the knights

-and the phones are Thomas a Becket.

-I'm sorry, Bob, I thought I was helping.

-I thought I was giving people a better life, like what you said.

-Look what you've done to him now!

MOBILE RINGS

Hannah. Hi!

-Yeah, doing another shoot for Stella McCartney, yeah.

-Hazel?

Got to go, stylist is calling me.

God, it's mental here, like Pineapple Studios times a million!

Bye!

-Ah-ah-ah! In the bag. No, no, no, no!

-Dad!

No, no, no, no, no!

Toys back at home time.

That is my personal property!

Sandwich, apple, crisps - the guitar, bass and drums of a packed lunch.

Anyone seen my badge, walk leader badge? It's gone.

Maybe it fell off when you took everyone's phones.

In fact, the more I think about it, the more I think that's exactly when it happened.

Tom!

Im good. It's not really a balanced diet, that, is it?

He'll burn it off.

Tom's very active...

..like a foal.

Everyone!

Everyone, er, sorry.

Now, um, today is a very special day.

It's exactly five years since me and Sophie first met.

It's not five years since we first kissed or did it.

Had to wait till my girlfriend did a late shift for that.

But it's five years since those beautiful eyes looked into mine.

I didn't know!

I know I don't say it enough but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world,

and er...this is for you.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Sophie - you are my everything, and that is why you wear that ring.

You bless me with cars one, two and three -

Mazda, Beemer, Ford, a sweet family.

You said you wanted kids one day -

I said that would spoil it, and you said "Yeah. OK."

With you I have the perfect life, and that is why I say thank you,

thank you, thank you...

for being my wife.

-That was the most beautiful thing.

-And look...

I've got us both tickets for Mamma Mia, even though I've always said I'd rather gouge out my own eyes.

Don't cry love, you'll set ME off. Nobody wants that.

-I don't deserve you.

-Oh, no, that's silly!

You're the most perfect...

I'm not. I'm not this perfect princess you think I am!

I love you, Sophie!

Tom, I've got to tell you, I have to... There's something that I...

Well, WE...

Shit!

Oh...

Victor's fallen in the brambles, someone help me!

-Thorn! Stuck in my eyelid!

-Oh, Christ. Don't blink...

Ow! No...not there!

I'm going to just tug you really hard, and you're going to have to trust me.

-It's all right, look, it's there, it's there.

-All right...

Tom. You've been walking a little bit with Christine today, haven't you?

Yeah. I know. She's a woman and everything.

-She IS a woman, isn't she?

-Technically - but be careful, that's all I'm going to say.

She might be a little bit manipulative, just a feeling I get.

Possibly she's evil. I'm not trying to do her down, I'm just saying.

I like her. She's nicer than the women in the crack drop-in centre.

You're not still going there, are you? You've never taken crack.

Yeah, I know, but it's free biscuits, innit?

No, I like her, she's...she's nice.

I see. That's how it is now, then, is it?

-How d'you mean?

-That's the way of the world?

-How d'you mean...?

-I get it!

-CHRISTINE:

-Oh, what?

Maybe we're lost, Bob.

I know how to read a map.

-Thought it was you lot.

-How much land do you have?

-Enough.

My uncle died, no children.

Oh, dear, how sad. Never mind.

Can we...? I don't even know why I'm asking this, but can we...

DELIBERATELY: use this public footpath, please?

Sorry. I've got the glampers in.

-The what?

-Glamorous campers. Glampers.

They're down in that tepee over there.

That's where the money is - posh folk who like mud.

You see...you ramblers, you love to walk about the countryside, but you're not prepared to pay for it!

But your glampers - make it an experience, they'll pay.

My brother shows them how to chop a log, that's bushcraft - another £30.

My wife does fairy magic story hour - £30.

So - they don't want the march of the Bill Oddies coming through.

Well, I'd quite like to stay in a tepee.

Here's a leaflet.

Now. It's not like last time, the detour's massive.

You'd better get going.

I've got to go and find a cow for the Milking Experience.

Another £30, is it?!

35, in the school holidays.

We'd better walk round, then.

-Bob, I think we both know...

-Oh, here it comes.

You would have done it all better. Right?

In you stomp, into MY group, with all your new ideas, your "rambling is the new rock'n'roll"...

-If you'd just let me finish...

-You're like the people at work -

"You're stuck in your ways, Bob. You need to go on a course, Bob." Ah...

they sent you, didn't they? Craig, and all the other spotty managers,

cos I made that complaint about how they're always on their stupid little phones and not working.

They went to the Nemesis Temping Agency and said,

"One evil harpy in breathable fabrics, please, to ruin Bob's life"!

And I don't think I AM being paranoid.

Yes, there's a small part of my brain saying I've gone too far and

probably I should stop talking, but why would I listen to that?

Actually, I was going to agree with you.

Mm? Ah...

Land access is the lifeblood of walking, Bob.

And it's not just me that says that.

It's the Countryside and Rights of Way Act 2000.

I should have stood by you then, Bob, but I didn't - I let my pride get in the way. Well, not any more.

We must walk these paths.

And that's true for my modern kind of walking, as well as your old, dead kind of walking.

Thank you, Christine...I think.

In a moment,

our walk leader will cross that field.

With his deputy - which is me - by his side.

I would ask that you join us.

ALL, LIFELESSLY: Yeah...

Aaaagh...!

Right. It's time...

I'm going to turn you into a magic mouse.

Can you wiggle your nose like a magic mouse?

-MOBILE RINGS

-Keep wiggling.

What?

You can see them from the barn?

Seven of them?

Yeah... Leave it to me.

Now. I've got to help the King of the Elves do something, so you...

pop in the tepee, practise your wiggling...

and I'll be back in a jiffy.

Shut the magic flap.

You know what this reminds me of?

Kinder Scout, 1932. Mass protest.

And, in the grand Kinder tradition, what a surprise it was!

-SOPHIE:

-Ha-ha.

-Thank you.

Thousands of ramblers, standing up to... HE GASPS

It's not like you weren't warned.

-CHRISTINE:

-Good afternoon.

We came because...

Sophie wanted to know if you have any availability in August.

Yeah. Erm...

All looks gorgeous.

Well, we're full up Bank Holiday week, but I'm sure we can fit you in on the 20th...

-Bloody hell, Tom!

-Now... I don't hit girls, but you were tooled up, so that is allowed, yeah?

Aaagh! They've killed the fairy!

No, HE killed her. And anyway, she's not dead.

-BARKING Farmer...

-Dogs.

-Big dogs!

-Run!

VICIOUS BARKING

BARKING IN THE DISTANCE

I suppose it might have been easier to get everyone together if I hadn't taken all the phones.

If he doesn't call the dogs off soon, then we might be here for the night.

I'm changing to my survival socks.

-Yeah. Course you are.

-I've got a spare pair.

You can have one. They're unisex.

-Something about you and feet, isn't there?

-We have a history.

Well, as long as it doesn't drop below minus 15, I'll be cosy, thank you.

That's very unlikely.

Christine...

I might have been a bit... a little bit hard on you earlier today, so er...there.

-Thanks very much.

-Can I have my badge back, please?

Oh... Bob, if I had your badge, I would give it to you. But it really did just fall off.

Yeah. Yeah...

A-ha! I knew it!

You lie! You lie like him devil!

Why should you have one and I...?!

-Don't...

-Who's the leader?

I'm the deputy! It's not fair...!

Ah, they're over here.

Woooh(!) Getting busy in the bushes.

-No...

-Absolutely not.

-Making the beast with two backpacks(?)

-They weren't doing anything, all right?

-No, they weren't. You can always tell when there's been a bit of tonsil hockey.

-Yeah, Joe. Ha-ha-ha!

Actually, I-I... I'm still changing my socks, if you...

My feet are naked!

Thank you, Tom.

It's all right.

Tom. You know sometimes you form a first impression of someone,

-then you get to know them and you think, I misjudged that person.

-Yeah...

And then you get to know them a bit better, and you think, nope - pretty much got it right first time.

-Bob...

-Yes.

If you were going to ask a woman out for coffee, it would make sense

to take her somewhere where the coffee was free, then there's no awkwardness about who's paying...

-A first date at the crack drop-in centre?

-It doesn't sound so good when you...

-No, I'll push the boat out and take her to Greggs.

-Who is the lady in question?

I don't have to tell you, Bob. You're not the boss of Tom.

-Bye, then.

-Cheerio.

See you next time, then, Christine.

-Yes. We can have another one of our girlie chats.

-Yes, I suppose we can.

What about when you're on holiday with your fella,

and he can't take his eyes off some hot chick by the pool, what about that?

-"Girlfriend"!

-Bye.

MOBILE RINGS Oop, there we go.

Hello?

Yes. Yes, they're still for sale.

They're trousers...

two tubes of cloth joined at the top.

He says £3.

£4, and I will throw in the boxer shorts.

Looks like we have ourselves a deal. All right, we're coming over now.

He lives in Aston Clinton.

-Bob...

-Yep?

-That's my last pair of trousers.

-I know.

-Probably need more trousers.

-I agree.

-Can you lend me some money?

-Yes.

(Are you all right, Bob...?)

It's summer in England. Life's so good, it's gone off the scale,

come back round again into terrible, then carried on till it's good again.

I've lapped myself!

ELECTRONIC WHOOPING

Dreams can come true. I've finally made something of my life, I've found gold!

Maybe someone else should take the group leadership.

Now it comes.

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