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This programme contains some strong language.
What are you doing?
We are going for a ramble.
-What do you want to do that for?
-Fresh air and good company.
-We're a club.
-Do you get paid?
-What's the point in doing it, then?
Everyone should do it. You look like a healthy chap with your bike there.
Sometimes when people get a bit older, they tend to veg by the telly, don't they?
You should take your mum and dad on a ramble.
My mum and dad climb mountains.
Yeah, they say rambling's for pussies.
Well, this walk has got a difficulty rating of 8.5.
You can tell that to your parents!
-I think he went to get a cup of tea.
-Yeah?! Come on, then!
Sorry, he's fine, he's with me.
He's sorry. Thank you.
It's a red mist again, Bob, it just came down, I couldn't help it.
-He jumped the queue.
Or I did, I don't remember which way round.
We're all here, you can start your little talk now, Bob.
Thank you. Welcome, everybody, to today's walk, which is our yearly trip to the coast. Hooray!
I know we've all been looking forward to this, and that's why I've prepared the route most carefully.
-Here it is. On we go.
-Er, hang on.
That's the same walk we did last year.
And we never even saw the sea, Dad.
All the way to the south coast and we never saw the sea.
Yeah, we just kept looking for that burial mound thing.
And you said the information board was wrong, and you made us write all those letters.
Well, this was going to be a surprise for all of you,
thank you for spoiling it, but because of those letters, drum roll...
English Heritage have erected, drum roll...
A brand new information board.
And I knew how keen you'd all be to see it.
Everyone wanted a coastal route, Bob.
Their expectations have been dashed upon the rocks of arrogance.
This sort of thing's been showing up a lot in the surveys.
My anonymous survey, conducted amongst the group's membership.
"The walk leader can be overbearing at times,
"and is ignorant of basic foot care."
I can't tell you who said that, it's anonymous.
"He doesn't listen to me, or my husband, Joe." Again, anonymous.
Well, we may not get to see the sea, but is that necessarily what a coastal walk is all about?
Let's take a vote. Who wants to go and look at an old pile of earth like they did last year?
-Bias in the question.
And who wants to go for a lovely walk along the delightful and beautiful English coastline?
-Nobody, I should think.
-Motion carried. Let's walk.
I built this walk up from nothing to seven members in under six years,
and she thinks she can come and take all that from me.
-Is there something else, Dad?
-No, there isn't.
You look really upset, like when you've seen a famine on the news, or an apostrophe in the wrong place.
All right, Hazel, yes, in fact there is something else.
-I'm in a queue.
-What for, Joe?
Man Of Speed at Castle Donington.
-Is this a me treat, an us treat, or a you treat?
-You'll love it, Soph.
They have to race a car, then a plane, and then a speedboat.
It's like a triathlon for James Bond. There's bound to be a fatality.
And if I book us in the VIP area, we get to meet Dizzee Rascal.
Found any treasure yet, Tom?
-Depends what you mean by treasure.
-Well, what have you found?
Half a Nokia like Bob used to have.
-Well, that's a start.
Well, it was already in my pocket, but I forgot it was in there, so that still counts.
I reckon it's only a matter of time before I find a big load of gold, you know.
Like that bloke who was on the news, he was on the sick.
You need a bit of money, don't you, if you're going to treat a lady.
-Any particular lady, Tom?
Keira Knightley, Lily Cole, Kate Winslet?
Or, like, all three of them welded together and stuffed inside a yellow anorak?
I'm trying, I'm trying to concentrate.
Don't forget you've got to halve whatever you find with the landowner.
What, so out of this half a Nokia, I've only actually got a quarter of a Nokia?
Oh, what's the point?
Hi, yeah, two tickets, please.
No, it's from work, came this morning.
They're making efficiency savings.
I don't know for sure, but I might be one of them.
It's not going to be that, is it, Dad?
They'd get you in face to face if it was that.
Well, there's a bit of history between me and human resources.
I might have said that if everyone does their job with a bit of care, their department's not needed.
So, essentially, they're a waste of time and space.
Do they know you said that?
I might've said it in a lift, yes.
And at the sandwich shop. And at a Christmas party.
Into a microphone. I'm 50, Hazel.
If I lose this job, that's it.
That's it for me.
I don't get it, Soph. This one's declined, this one's declined.
Let's just enjoy the walk.
I've tried all the platinum ones. I'll have to go down to the gold ones now. It's just embarrassing.
Hey, maybe our identity's been thefted, you know?
Someone's had a look at our amazing lifestyle
-and said, "I'm having some of that."
-I stopped the credit cards, Joe.
You know how hard it's been with the candle shops and with you...
-Now, hang on...
I know, I know, designing the games room is a job in itself, but...
we've got to cut back, quite a lot.
-You don't love me!
-That's it, you don't love me.
Oh, of course I do. Money and love, they're not the same thing, you know?
You're confusing me now with these...
-I would love you, Joe, even if you were poor.
Which, in a way, you are.
But, Sophie, I have this nightmare,
you and me, many years from now, side by side on our deathbeds,
tears running down our faces because we never got to see men
racing cars and planes and speedboats
all in one earth-shattering day at Castle Donington.
Let's just open it, cos it won't be what you think it is, and then you can just relax.
No, not now. I have to put personal stuff to one side.
The walk leader is responsible for everything and everybody.
No one else can do it.
Everybody stop! Snack time.
Sorry, what's all this?
Protein balls. For energy and healthy toenail growth.
Don't worry, they're on me. They were a massive hit in Barnstaple.
Fudgy walnut or perky pecan, Tom?
F-fudgy walnut, please.
-Thought as much.
-They're like little poos of goodness.
There's no metal in that.
-Would you like one, Bob?
-No, I'm good.
-I think you should have one.
You look like you need one. They've got ginseng in them.
That's nature's very own crystal meth.
(Are you all right, Bob?)
If there's anything wrong, Bob, you can tell us.
I'm fine! Why wouldn't I be?
It's summer in England. Life's so good, it's gone off the scale,
come back round again into terrible, then carried on till it's good again.
I've lapped myself! Oh, thank you.
Mmm! Tasty and brown. Right, on we go, come on.
Oh, look everybody, a red kite.
Yeah, they've made a real comeback, like, like moleskin notebooks,
except red kites aren't bought by idiots with too much money!
So, er, it's a month since you promised me that kiss.
I've got three days left, Victor.
One or both of us could die before then.
Whatever. I'm not on this walk just to follow you about anyway.
It's going on my uni application form.
-Turns out Xbox achievements, they don't count.
-What the hell?
You've bought the same coat as me.
I don't believe it. You've bought the same coat!
Oh, yeah. Yeah, look at that, I did, didn't I?
That is so...creepy!
Romantic, I was going to say.
Oh, my God, it is exactly the same.
< GIRLS GIGGLE
Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!
-Was that Anna and that lot?
Yes! And now they know that I'm a...
rambler. Oh, my God!
How do they know?
How did they know I was here?
No, now, I might've said to someone that I was in a walking club
and there was someone else in it, but I never said who it was.
-Not ever, not at all, except once.
-Oh, my God!
If you hadn't told all your friends you were working on some
trendy fashion shoot, this would never have happened.
If you'd said, "I'm a rambler, that's what I do,"
they would've respected it.
Might've even come along and caught the rambling bug.
Poor Victor, does he have to walk all the way back there?
-Victor, come up here!
Back 30 metres!
Please, if he's going to be exiled, can it at least be imperial?
Next week is going to be very difficult for you, Hazel. That photograph's going to be everywhere.
But it might be a blessing.
You'll discover who your real friends are.
And it's us.
We are your peer group now.
METAL DETECTOR BUZZES
-What is it? What is it?!
I've done it, Bob, I've found gold!
Dreams can come true. I've finally made something of my life!
-I've found gold! Ooh, it's got an inscription.
-What does it say?
"World's greatest golfer."
This must've been left here years ago by the world's greatest golfer,
and now I hold it in my hands.
It's from the trophy shop, Thomas. The base is MDF.
Is that not Roman MDF?
Forgot your birthday last year, didn't I, Bob?
-Play a bit of golf, don't you?
Once or twice a year.
Happy birthday, Bob.
Now, who's for a smoothie?
Now, who's going to take one to Victor?
Just checking you're OK after, you know, last time.
-Bit weird, wasn't it?
Just wanted to make sure you haven't fallen madly in love with me or anything.
No, no, it was just a kiss. Wasn't much.
You're not a bit obsessed and you don't think about me when you...
-Enjoy your smoothie.
Smoothies?! I don't know how you can sit there and drink them, or is it eat them?
Are they a liquid or solid? I don't know. The point is, they're tainted!
Oh, no, I'm sure she's washed her hands, Bob.
They're bribes! Do you not see, do none of you see what she's doing?
She's spending more and more money to buy you.
Rambling shouldn't cost a fortune, it's the people's pastime, anyone can do it.
Even people like Tom, right at the bottom of the pile, no job,
no house, totally washed up, they can still do it. No offence, Tom.
That's all right.
Why don't you tell us what's really bothering you?
-Cos we can all see it's something.
-Nothing to discuss.
Maybe someone else should take over leadership of the group, take the pressure off you, temporarily.
Yeah, now it comes. Now it comes, yeah.
And if I say no?
-I don't wish to invoke the emergency powers.
They were suggested by someone in the anonymous surveys.
Ah, the backpackzilla demographic, the rucksackosaurus group?
You know I can't possibly divulge that information.
But they do state that if the group leader becomes incapacitated due to injury, senility...
-Mental instability, death, or partial death, then the deputy leader
assumes control until fair and free elections can take place.
If you want to be in a walking club with me,
it's this side of the line.
If you want to be in Christine's club...
Is this really what you want, Bob?
Life's not a Word document, there's no "undo" button.
Thank you, Hazel. Good man, Victor.
It's nothing personal, Bob.
-It's just you do our heads in.
Do what you want to do, Tom.
You live in the back of my car, Tom. Later on, I'm driving home.
Also, it's not too late to tell the Army where you live.
Don't let that influence your decision.
It's all right, Tom. I understand.
BOB AND CHRISTINE: Let's walk.
We can't walk together.
You'll want to take that path.
That's where the pub is.
Don't tell me what I want.
You take that path, and I'd like it noted, for the record, that I didn't even know that there was a pub.
You said it had three guest ales.
And the oldest boot scraper in Dorset, but I didn't know that.
We can do what we like now, can't we?
-Yeah. We've got a bit more freedom...
WHISTLE Admire the mighty ocean.
WHISTLE And continue.
Ah, this is better, this is what it's all about, isn't it?
Ah, hello to you.
We are a brand new rambling club.
Would you care to join us? Got to be fun though, only fun people allowed.
If you're just going to breeze in and make up a lot of rules
and survey everyone, then you are not welcome.
I sort of preferred it when everyone was together, Bob.
Well, I suppose Joe and Sophie aren't so bad. Decent sorts, really.
Of course, they're dead to me now.
# The light dragoon came over the hill
# The moon was shining clearly
# There was a little woman And she knew him by his horse
# Because she loved him dearly
# Dearly, so dearly Oh, she loved him dearly... #
I've been thinking, babes. You're right,
I spend too much money, what can I say?
Maybe it's time I started earning too.
Oh, Joe, that's great.
You know Simon up in Hemel?
-Who does the male escort thing?
Well, he said a lot of women would go for this.
He could throw some work my way. I mean it's not something I want to do, but I'd do it, for us.
You're not going to be a male escort, Joe.
Fine, fine, I tried, I tried to contribute, but no.
-You have to be control.
-You knew I'd say no.
Just don't say I didn't try and find work.
You should set up your own business, Joe, like Sophie.
Oh, God, she heard all that.
Know a lot about that sort of thing then, do you?
This is awful, Christine, but we don't actually know what it is you do.
I clean vomit, faeces and urine off coloured plastic balls.
Wow, that's a dream, isn't it?
Children's soft play is a growing market, Joe.
I've several teams working for me now.
-What do you get for that sort of thing then?
We don't need to go into that.
Not much to shout about then.
Last year I paid myself £173,000 before tax.
That's more than you, Soph!
Recession or no recession, children will always poo their pants.
Ah, you know how I feel, for the first time in a long time?
Free! You and me, Tom, we can go to Scotland and walk anything that says "Ben" on the front.
I'll have more spare time soon, haven't got some walk-hating wife to hold me back any more,
and you're not going to get some woman to slow you down, are you, Tom, eh?
Yes, you and me, Tom, we are single for the duration.
And that's fine by us.
Bob, there's somewhere I've got to go.
Someone I've got to see.
But you're with me, Tom. Tom!
That's all right, leave me alone.
Everyone else does.
Excuse me, you can only eat food that has been produced on the premises.
Sophie, may I buy your sandwiches, please?
Yes, that will be £2, please.
-There you go.
-There you are.
can we go somewhere privately so I can speak to you in private, please?
Christine, I have been searching for treasure all day, but I realise I have already found my treasure.
METAL DETECTOR BUZZES
It is you.
-I'd like to dig you up, wipe you down and keep you.
And I don't want to share you with the landowner.
Unless you're into that sort of shit, I don't...
-What? What do you want?
-She said she'll see how it goes.
-Oh, that's lovely.
-Is Dad here?
Dear Bob Stevens, we regret to inform you that your employment will end on the 24th of June.
The Human Resources Department, however, will
continue its invaluable work long into the future.
I found on the path. He was terrified of this happening and now I don't know where he is.
-What if he's done something stupid?
-Like start up a walking club?
-Look, Dad's not here.
-Right, there are high cliffs here,
here and here, so these are the points we need to cover.
Hazel, you are Red Team, you will take that point.
Joe, you are Orange Team, you will take that point.
Um, we're not actually that far from the Bronze Age burial...
Will you stop going on about the Bronze Age burial mound!
You're as bad as...
Gold Team, this is Indigo Team.
Inform Red Team Scarecrow has been located.
Scarecrow is secure, over.
-No, Red Team is Hazel...
Green team is... There is no Purple Team!
Oh, just tell everyone! Right.
This is quite frustrating for me, because I do actually have a selection of survival blankets.
But they're all in my rucksack, which is abandoned.
Oh, just bury me with my treasure.
Have you seen the new information board?
A new factual error.
Sign says it is chambered cairn.
Any idiot knows it's a long barrow.
All those letters, a complete waste of time.
And someone's written "Matt is gay" on it.
Well, it's none of my business if he is or he isn't, but it's hardly relevant to the subject matter.
Still, 100 years from now, that board will be my only memorial.
Come on, Bob.
Lost my wife, lost my job, my daughter's going to move away the first chance she gets.
Not a lot left.
There's still the Walk Club.
Oh, do you know, I always thought
I'd meet my next wife through this club. I told my first wife that.
She was not amused.
Then when someone does come along you actually have something in common with,
I don't know, I find ways to argue with her.
And soon enough it's too late.
Oh, no! No, stay with us, Bob.
No, ow! I'm fine! I'm fine!
You saved him! Thank you!
-Where did you get the bike from, Tom?
It's fine, he's with me. He's very sorry!
It's me that's supposed to frighten you!
Maybe I'm over-reacting about Hannah and that.
I mean, Monday will be bad, but it'll be fine after that.
Hazel, there's loads of your friends here!
It's going to be a firing squad of bitches.
-Shouldn't be too many, though.
-There's probably 20 of them.
This is great, Hazel. This is it, they're catching the bug!
You could make it easier.
-If you go out first and just say that I'm obsessed and following you about,
-and you never asked me to come.
-Which is true.
Just put it all on me and then I'll come out and soak it up. I'm used to it.
And you'd be OK with that?
You've got another year with these people.
Come on, Mr Muscle.
-Like your socks!
-Are those Jimmy Choos?
Yeah, I lied. I'm sorry. But I can't apologise for being what I am.
I'm a rambler. This is Victor. He walks with me. Get over it.
-I've been a bit out of line, haven't I, lately?
I found those DVDs.
-The ones you keep in the spare room.
I just don't get it.
They repeat Top Gear on Dave all the time. Why?
For the extras! Come on, Soph.
They crash a tractor - twice!
Do you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to whisk you away.
Are you, now?
-And then where?
-Oh, just Gatwick.
There's a baggage handlers' strike coming up.
They give out free food and stuff. They don't even check if you've got a ticket. I did it for a week once.
Another one of them? OK.
Do you still want this, Bob?
Yes, I do.
Bob Stevens, you couldn't break Article 3, Clause 1
of the Countryside Code any more than I could.
I've been a rambler for 30 years.
I think I'm allowed one piece of litter in that time, don't you?
I suppose so.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
E-mail [email protected]
On the annual trip to the south coast, Bob and Christine's rivalry finally comes to a head. Meanwhile, Victor is hoping he will finally get his promised kiss from Hazel and Tom plucks up courage for his own romance.