Episode 3 The Great Outdoors


Episode 3

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

0:00:020:00:04

What are you doing?

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We are going for a ramble.

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-What do you want to do that for?

-Fresh air and good company.

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-We're a club.

-Do you get paid?

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-No.

-What's the point in doing it, then?

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Everyone should do it. You look like a healthy chap with your bike there.

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Sometimes when people get a bit older, they tend to veg by the telly, don't they?

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You should take your mum and dad on a ramble.

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My mum and dad climb mountains.

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Yeah, they say rambling's for pussies.

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Well, this walk has got a difficulty rating of 8.5.

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You can tell that to your parents!

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-Where's Tom?

-I think he went to get a cup of tea.

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-Yeah?! Come on, then!

-Right.

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Sorry, he's fine, he's with me.

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He's sorry. Thank you.

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It's a red mist again, Bob, it just came down, I couldn't help it.

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-What happened?

-He jumped the queue.

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Or I did, I don't remember which way round.

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We're all here, you can start your little talk now, Bob.

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Thank you. Welcome, everybody, to today's walk, which is our yearly trip to the coast. Hooray!

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I know we've all been looking forward to this, and that's why I've prepared the route most carefully.

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-Here it is. On we go.

-Er, hang on.

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That's the same walk we did last year.

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And we never even saw the sea, Dad.

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All the way to the south coast and we never saw the sea.

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Yeah, we just kept looking for that burial mound thing.

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And you said the information board was wrong, and you made us write all those letters.

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Well, this was going to be a surprise for all of you,

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thank you for spoiling it, but because of those letters, drum roll...

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English Heritage have erected, drum roll...

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A brand new information board.

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And I knew how keen you'd all be to see it.

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Everyone wanted a coastal route, Bob.

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Their expectations have been dashed upon the rocks of arrogance.

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This sort of thing's been showing up a lot in the surveys.

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Surveys?

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My anonymous survey, conducted amongst the group's membership.

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"The walk leader can be overbearing at times,

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"and is ignorant of basic foot care."

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I can't tell you who said that, it's anonymous.

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"He doesn't listen to me, or my husband, Joe." Again, anonymous.

0:02:260:02:30

Well, we may not get to see the sea, but is that necessarily what a coastal walk is all about?

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Let's take a vote. Who wants to go and look at an old pile of earth like they did last year?

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-WHISTLE

-Bias in the question.

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And who wants to go for a lovely walk along the delightful and beautiful English coastline?

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-Nobody, I should think.

-Motion carried. Let's walk.

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I built this walk up from nothing to seven members in under six years,

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and she thinks she can come and take all that from me.

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-Is there something else, Dad?

-No, there isn't.

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You look really upset, like when you've seen a famine on the news, or an apostrophe in the wrong place.

0:03:240:03:28

All right, Hazel, yes, in fact there is something else.

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-I'm in a queue.

-What for, Joe?

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Man Of Speed at Castle Donington.

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-Is this a me treat, an us treat, or a you treat?

-You'll love it, Soph.

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They have to race a car, then a plane, and then a speedboat.

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It's like a triathlon for James Bond. There's bound to be a fatality.

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And if I book us in the VIP area, we get to meet Dizzee Rascal.

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Found any treasure yet, Tom?

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-Depends what you mean by treasure.

-Well, what have you found?

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-Fridge freezer.

-Not treasure.

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-Lilt can.

-Not treasure.

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Half a Nokia like Bob used to have.

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-Not treasure.

-50p.

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-Well, that's a start.

-Yeah.

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Well, it was already in my pocket, but I forgot it was in there, so that still counts.

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I reckon it's only a matter of time before I find a big load of gold, you know.

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Like that bloke who was on the news, he was on the sick.

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You need a bit of money, don't you, if you're going to treat a lady.

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-Oh!

-Any particular lady, Tom?

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Keira Knightley, Lily Cole, Kate Winslet?

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Or, like, all three of them welded together and stuffed inside a yellow anorak?

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I'm trying, I'm trying to concentrate.

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Don't forget you've got to halve whatever you find with the landowner.

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What, so out of this half a Nokia, I've only actually got a quarter of a Nokia?

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Oh, what's the point?

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Hi, yeah, two tickets, please.

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No, it's from work, came this morning.

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They're making efficiency savings.

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I don't know for sure, but I might be one of them.

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It's not going to be that, is it, Dad?

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They'd get you in face to face if it was that.

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Well, there's a bit of history between me and human resources.

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I might have said that if everyone does their job with a bit of care, their department's not needed.

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So, essentially, they're a waste of time and space.

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Do they know you said that?

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I might've said it in a lift, yes.

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And at the sandwich shop. And at a Christmas party.

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Into a microphone. I'm 50, Hazel.

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If I lose this job, that's it.

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That's it for me.

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I don't get it, Soph. This one's declined, this one's declined.

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Let's just enjoy the walk.

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I've tried all the platinum ones. I'll have to go down to the gold ones now. It's just embarrassing.

0:05:220:05:27

Hey, maybe our identity's been thefted, you know?

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Someone's had a look at our amazing lifestyle

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-and said, "I'm having some of that."

-I stopped the credit cards, Joe.

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You know how hard it's been with the candle shops and with you...

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-not working.

-Now, hang on...

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I know, I know, designing the games room is a job in itself, but...

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we've got to cut back, quite a lot.

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-You don't love me!

-Oh...

-That's it, you don't love me.

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Oh, of course I do. Money and love, they're not the same thing, you know?

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You're confusing me now with these...

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-Riddles.

-I would love you, Joe, even if you were poor.

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Which, in a way, you are.

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But, Sophie, I have this nightmare,

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you and me, many years from now, side by side on our deathbeds,

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tears running down our faces because we never got to see men

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racing cars and planes and speedboats

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all in one earth-shattering day at Castle Donington.

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Sorry, Joe.

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Let's just open it, cos it won't be what you think it is, and then you can just relax.

0:06:330:06:37

No, not now. I have to put personal stuff to one side.

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The walk leader is responsible for everything and everybody.

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No one else can do it.

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Everybody stop! Snack time.

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Sorry, what's all this?

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Protein balls. For energy and healthy toenail growth.

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Don't worry, they're on me. They were a massive hit in Barnstaple.

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Fudgy walnut or perky pecan, Tom?

0:06:550:06:58

F-fudgy walnut, please.

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-Thought as much.

-They're like little poos of goodness.

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There's no metal in that.

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-Would you like one, Bob?

-No, I'm good.

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-I think you should have one.

-Not hungry.

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You look like you need one. They've got ginseng in them.

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That's nature's very own crystal meth.

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I'm fine.

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(Are you all right, Bob?)

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If there's anything wrong, Bob, you can tell us.

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I'm fine! Why wouldn't I be?

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It's summer in England. Life's so good, it's gone off the scale,

0:07:290:07:32

come back round again into terrible, then carried on till it's good again.

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I've lapped myself! Oh, thank you.

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Mmm! Tasty and brown. Right, on we go, come on.

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Oh, look everybody, a red kite.

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Yeah, they've made a real comeback, like, like moleskin notebooks,

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except red kites aren't bought by idiots with too much money!

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So, er, it's a month since you promised me that kiss.

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I've got three days left, Victor.

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One or both of us could die before then.

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Whatever. I'm not on this walk just to follow you about anyway.

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It's going on my uni application form.

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-Turns out Xbox achievements, they don't count.

-What the hell?

-What?

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You've bought the same coat as me.

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I don't believe it. You've bought the same coat!

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Oh, yeah. Yeah, look at that, I did, didn't I?

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That is so...creepy!

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Romantic, I was going to say.

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Oh, my God, it is exactly the same.

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< GIRLS GIGGLE

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Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!

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-Shit!

-Was that Anna and that lot?

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Yes! And now they know that I'm a...

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rambler. Oh, my God!

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How do they know?

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How did they know I was here?

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No, now, I might've said to someone that I was in a walking club

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and there was someone else in it, but I never said who it was.

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-Not ever, not at all, except once.

-Oh, my God!

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If you hadn't told all your friends you were working on some

0:09:080:09:10

trendy fashion shoot, this would never have happened.

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If you'd said, "I'm a rambler, that's what I do,"

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they would've respected it.

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Might've even come along and caught the rambling bug.

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Poor Victor, does he have to walk all the way back there?

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-Yes.

-Victor, come up here!

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Back 30 metres!

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Please, if he's going to be exiled, can it at least be imperial?

0:09:260:09:30

33 yards!

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Next week is going to be very difficult for you, Hazel. That photograph's going to be everywhere.

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But it might be a blessing.

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You'll discover who your real friends are.

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And it's us.

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We are your peer group now.

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METAL DETECTOR BUZZES

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Bob.

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Bob. Bob!

0:10:120:10:16

Bob!

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Bob!

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BOB!

0:10:200:10:23

-Bob!

-What is it? What is it?!

0:10:230:10:26

I've done it, Bob, I've found gold!

0:10:260:10:27

Dreams can come true. I've finally made something of my life!

0:10:270:10:31

-I've found gold! Ooh, it's got an inscription.

-What does it say?

0:10:310:10:35

"World's greatest golfer."

0:10:350:10:38

This must've been left here years ago by the world's greatest golfer,

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and now I hold it in my hands.

0:10:420:10:44

It's from the trophy shop, Thomas. The base is MDF.

0:10:440:10:48

Is that not Roman MDF?

0:10:480:10:49

Forgot your birthday last year, didn't I, Bob?

0:10:550:10:58

-Yes.

-Play a bit of golf, don't you?

0:10:580:11:00

Once or twice a year.

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Happy birthday, Bob.

0:11:050:11:07

Open it.

0:11:090:11:10

Thank you.

0:11:170:11:18

Now, who's for a smoothie?

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Now, who's going to take one to Victor?

0:11:290:11:32

I will.

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Thanks.

0:11:370:11:38

Just checking you're OK after, you know, last time.

0:11:390:11:44

-Bit weird, wasn't it?

-Yeah.

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Just wanted to make sure you haven't fallen madly in love with me or anything.

0:11:460:11:50

No, no, it was just a kiss. Wasn't much.

0:11:500:11:53

You're not a bit obsessed and you don't think about me when you...

0:11:530:11:59

-you...you know?

-No.

0:11:590:12:00

-Enjoy your smoothie.

-Thanks.

0:12:040:12:06

Smoothies?! I don't know how you can sit there and drink them, or is it eat them?

0:12:150:12:20

Are they a liquid or solid? I don't know. The point is, they're tainted!

0:12:200:12:24

Oh, no, I'm sure she's washed her hands, Bob.

0:12:240:12:26

They're bribes! Do you not see, do none of you see what she's doing?

0:12:260:12:30

She's spending more and more money to buy you.

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Rambling shouldn't cost a fortune, it's the people's pastime, anyone can do it.

0:12:330:12:37

Even people like Tom, right at the bottom of the pile, no job,

0:12:370:12:42

no house, totally washed up, they can still do it. No offence, Tom.

0:12:420:12:46

That's all right.

0:12:460:12:47

Why don't you tell us what's really bothering you?

0:12:470:12:51

-Cos we can all see it's something.

-Nothing to discuss.

0:12:510:12:54

Maybe someone else should take over leadership of the group, take the pressure off you, temporarily.

0:12:540:12:59

Yeah, now it comes. Now it comes, yeah.

0:12:590:13:01

And if I say no?

0:13:010:13:03

-I don't wish to invoke the emergency powers.

-Emergency powers?

0:13:030:13:05

They were suggested by someone in the anonymous surveys.

0:13:050:13:08

Ah, the backpackzilla demographic, the rucksackosaurus group?

0:13:080:13:12

You know I can't possibly divulge that information.

0:13:120:13:15

But they do state that if the group leader becomes incapacitated due to injury, senility...

0:13:150:13:20

-Senility?!

-Mental instability, death, or partial death, then the deputy leader

0:13:200:13:25

assumes control until fair and free elections can take place.

0:13:250:13:30

-OK. Victor.

-WHISTLE

0:13:300:13:35

Everyone.

0:13:350:13:36

If you want to be in a walking club with me,

0:13:450:13:49

it's this side of the line.

0:13:490:13:51

If you want to be in Christine's club...

0:13:530:13:56

Is this really what you want, Bob?

0:13:590:14:01

Life's not a Word document, there's no "undo" button.

0:14:010:14:06

Thank you, Hazel. Good man, Victor.

0:14:060:14:09

It's nothing personal, Bob.

0:14:140:14:16

-It's just you do our heads in.

-Tom?

0:14:160:14:18

Do what you want to do, Tom.

0:14:220:14:24

You live in the back of my car, Tom. Later on, I'm driving home.

0:14:240:14:27

Also, it's not too late to tell the Army where you live.

0:14:270:14:30

Don't let that influence your decision.

0:14:300:14:33

It's all right, Tom. I understand.

0:14:430:14:46

Right.

0:14:460:14:49

BOB AND CHRISTINE: Let's walk.

0:14:490:14:51

We can't walk together.

0:15:020:15:05

You'll want to take that path.

0:15:050:15:07

That's where the pub is.

0:15:070:15:08

Don't tell me what I want.

0:15:080:15:10

You take that path, and I'd like it noted, for the record, that I didn't even know that there was a pub.

0:15:100:15:15

You said it had three guest ales.

0:15:150:15:16

And the oldest boot scraper in Dorset, but I didn't know that.

0:15:160:15:21

We can do what we like now, can't we?

0:15:230:15:25

-Without Bob.

-Yeah. We've got a bit more freedom...

0:15:250:15:27

WHISTLE Admire the mighty ocean.

0:15:270:15:32

WHISTLE And continue.

0:15:350:15:37

Ah, this is better, this is what it's all about, isn't it?

0:15:410:15:45

Ah, hello to you.

0:15:450:15:47

We are a brand new rambling club.

0:15:470:15:49

Would you care to join us? Got to be fun though, only fun people allowed.

0:15:490:15:52

If you're just going to breeze in and make up a lot of rules

0:15:520:15:55

and survey everyone, then you are not welcome.

0:15:550:15:58

I sort of preferred it when everyone was together, Bob.

0:15:580:16:01

Well, I suppose Joe and Sophie aren't so bad. Decent sorts, really.

0:16:010:16:05

Of course, they're dead to me now.

0:16:050:16:07

# The light dragoon came over the hill

0:16:070:16:10

# The moon was shining clearly

0:16:100:16:12

# There was a little woman And she knew him by his horse

0:16:120:16:15

# Because she loved him dearly

0:16:150:16:17

# Dearly, so dearly Oh, she loved him dearly... #

0:16:170:16:20

I've been thinking, babes. You're right,

0:16:200:16:24

I spend too much money, what can I say?

0:16:240:16:27

Maybe it's time I started earning too.

0:16:270:16:31

Oh, Joe, that's great.

0:16:310:16:33

You know Simon up in Hemel?

0:16:330:16:35

-Yeah.

-Who does the male escort thing?

0:16:350:16:38

Well, he said a lot of women would go for this.

0:16:380:16:43

He could throw some work my way. I mean it's not something I want to do, but I'd do it, for us.

0:16:430:16:47

You're not going to be a male escort, Joe.

0:16:470:16:49

Fine, fine, I tried, I tried to contribute, but no.

0:16:490:16:52

-You have to be control.

-You knew I'd say no.

0:16:520:16:54

Just don't say I didn't try and find work.

0:16:540:16:57

You should set up your own business, Joe, like Sophie.

0:16:570:17:00

Oh, God, she heard all that.

0:17:000:17:02

Know a lot about that sort of thing then, do you?

0:17:020:17:04

This is awful, Christine, but we don't actually know what it is you do.

0:17:040:17:08

I'm self-employed.

0:17:080:17:09

I clean vomit, faeces and urine off coloured plastic balls.

0:17:090:17:12

Wow, that's a dream, isn't it?

0:17:120:17:14

Children's soft play is a growing market, Joe.

0:17:140:17:17

I've several teams working for me now.

0:17:170:17:18

-What do you get for that sort of thing then?

-Honestly, Joe!

0:17:180:17:22

We don't need to go into that.

0:17:220:17:23

Not much to shout about then.

0:17:230:17:25

Last year I paid myself £173,000 before tax.

0:17:250:17:28

That's more than you, Soph!

0:17:280:17:30

Recession or no recession, children will always poo their pants.

0:17:300:17:34

Ah, you know how I feel, for the first time in a long time?

0:17:350:17:38

Free! You and me, Tom, we can go to Scotland and walk anything that says "Ben" on the front.

0:17:380:17:44

I'll have more spare time soon, haven't got some walk-hating wife to hold me back any more,

0:17:440:17:48

and you're not going to get some woman to slow you down, are you, Tom, eh?

0:17:480:17:52

Yes, you and me, Tom, we are single for the duration.

0:17:520:17:57

And that's fine by us.

0:17:570:18:00

Bob, there's somewhere I've got to go.

0:18:030:18:05

Someone I've got to see.

0:18:060:18:08

Tom?

0:18:080:18:10

But you're with me, Tom. Tom!

0:18:100:18:15

Tom!

0:18:150:18:16

That's all right, leave me alone.

0:18:210:18:23

Everyone else does.

0:18:230:18:25

Excuse me, you can only eat food that has been produced on the premises.

0:18:450:18:49

Oh.

0:18:490:18:51

Sophie, may I buy your sandwiches, please?

0:18:510:18:55

Yes, that will be £2, please.

0:18:550:18:58

-There you go.

-There you are.

-Thank you.

0:18:580:19:02

Bloody ramblers!

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Tom. >

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Christine,

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can we go somewhere privately so I can speak to you in private, please?

0:19:160:19:20

Of course.

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There.

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Christine, I have been searching for treasure all day, but I realise I have already found my treasure.

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METAL DETECTOR BUZZES

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It is you.

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-Oh, Tom.

-I'd like to dig you up, wipe you down and keep you.

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And I don't want to share you with the landowner.

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Unless you're into that sort of shit, I don't...

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Victor...

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Victor! Victor!

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-What?

-Victor!

-What!?

0:20:360:20:38

-Victor!

-What? What do you want?

0:20:380:20:41

Victor!

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-She said she'll see how it goes.

-Oh, that's lovely.

-Where's Dad?

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-Is Dad here?

-No.

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What's happened?

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Dear Bob Stevens, we regret to inform you that your employment will end on the 24th of June.

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The Human Resources Department, however, will

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continue its invaluable work long into the future.

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I found on the path. He was terrified of this happening and now I don't know where he is.

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-What if he's done something stupid?

-Like start up a walking club?

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Sorry.

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-Dad!

-Bob?

-Bob! Bob!

0:21:170:21:20

-Bobby!

-Dad!

-Bobby!

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-Look, Dad's not here.

-Right, there are high cliffs here,

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here and here, so these are the points we need to cover.

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Hazel, you are Red Team, you will take that point.

0:21:300:21:32

Joe, you are Orange Team, you will take that point.

0:21:320:21:34

Um, we're not actually that far from the Bronze Age burial...

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Will you stop going on about the Bronze Age burial mound!

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You're as bad as...

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Bob.

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Ah.

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Hello!

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Gold Team, this is Indigo Team.

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Inform Red Team Scarecrow has been located.

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Scarecrow is secure, over.

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-Scarecrow?

-No, Red Team is Hazel...

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Green team is... There is no Purple Team!

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Oh, just tell everyone! Right.

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Oh, Bob!

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This is quite frustrating for me, because I do actually have a selection of survival blankets.

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But they're all in my rucksack, which is abandoned.

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Oh, just bury me with my treasure.

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Have you seen the new information board?

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A new factual error.

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Sign says it is chambered cairn.

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Any idiot knows it's a long barrow.

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All those letters, a complete waste of time.

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And someone's written "Matt is gay" on it.

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Well, it's none of my business if he is or he isn't, but it's hardly relevant to the subject matter.

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Still, 100 years from now, that board will be my only memorial.

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Come on, Bob.

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Lost my wife, lost my job, my daughter's going to move away the first chance she gets.

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Not a lot left.

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There's still the Walk Club.

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WalkING Club!

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Oh, do you know, I always thought

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I'd meet my next wife through this club. I told my first wife that.

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She was not amused.

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Then when someone does come along you actually have something in common with,

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I don't know, I find ways to argue with her.

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And soon enough it's too late.

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Bob!

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Bob! Bob!

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Oh.

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Oh, no! No, stay with us, Bob.

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No, ow! I'm fine! I'm fine!

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You saved him! Thank you!

0:24:020:24:05

-Where did you get the bike from, Tom?

-Oi, wanker!

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It's fine, he's with me. He's very sorry!

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Dad!

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It's me that's supposed to frighten you!

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Come on.

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Maybe I'm over-reacting about Hannah and that.

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I mean, Monday will be bad, but it'll be fine after that.

0:24:420:24:47

Hazel, there's loads of your friends here!

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It's going to be a firing squad of bitches.

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-Shouldn't be too many, though.

-There's probably 20 of them.

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This is great, Hazel. This is it, they're catching the bug!

0:24:550:24:59

You could make it easier.

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-How?

-If you go out first and just say that I'm obsessed and following you about,

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-and you never asked me to come.

-Which is true.

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Just put it all on me and then I'll come out and soak it up. I'm used to it.

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And you'd be OK with that?

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You've got another year with these people.

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Come on, Mr Muscle.

0:25:230:25:25

Hazel!

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-Like your socks!

-Are those Jimmy Choos?

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Yeah, I lied. I'm sorry. But I can't apologise for being what I am.

0:25:330:25:37

I'm a rambler. This is Victor. He walks with me. Get over it.

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ALL SCREAM

0:25:420:25:43

Bye, Bob!

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-I've been a bit out of line, haven't I, lately?

-A bit.

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I found those DVDs.

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-The ones you keep in the spare room.

-Ah...

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I just don't get it.

0:26:100:26:12

They repeat Top Gear on Dave all the time. Why?

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For the extras! Come on, Soph.

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They crash a tractor - twice!

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Do you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to whisk you away.

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Are you, now?

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Yeah, Gatwick.

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-And then where?

-Oh, just Gatwick.

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There's a baggage handlers' strike coming up.

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They give out free food and stuff. They don't even check if you've got a ticket. I did it for a week once.

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Another one of them? OK.

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Do you still want this, Bob?

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Yes, I do.

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Bob Stevens, you couldn't break Article 3, Clause 1

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of the Countryside Code any more than I could.

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I've been a rambler for 30 years.

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I think I'm allowed one piece of litter in that time, don't you?

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I suppose so.

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Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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E-mail [email protected]

0:28:090:28:10

On the annual trip to the south coast, Bob and Christine's rivalry finally comes to a head. Meanwhile, Victor is hoping he will finally get his promised kiss from Hazel and Tom plucks up courage for his own romance.


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