Episode 1 The Guess List

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

Hello, everybody! Hello, good evening. Welcome to The Guess List.

If you like game shows with celebrities and exciting prizes, you're in luck.

If you like ballroom dancing, I'm sorry. Come back in the autumn.

Let's meet the guests.

What the Dickens? It's Simon Callow!

CHEERING

She's a fox. No, she really is. Emilia Fox!

CHEERING

I taught him everything I know. James Corden!

CHEERING

He has more silver than a fortune-teller's palm,

-Louis Smith!

-CHEERING

And I've always wanted to say this: she's absolutely fabulous -

-Jennifer Saunders!

-CHEERING

Wow, look at that! Look at that, eh?!

Where else are you going to see a line-up like that?

Who said "UK Gold"?

LAUGHTER

Louis Smith. Welcome, Louis.

-CHEERING

-Good to see you. Welcome.

-Thank you.

I'm going to come out and say it. You did us proud in the Olympics.

-Didn't he?

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Two medals, which is a remarkable achievement.

More remarkable - winning them in East London

and getting home still with them. Incredible. Incredible.

And do you know what? It's lovely to see you in your clothes.

Take a look at this.

AUDIENCE WHOOPS

-Now, that was for...?

-Strictly.

-Strictly Come Dancing, OK.

Well, better you than Len Goodman.

-Emilia Fox, how lovely!

-APPLAUSE

How lovely to be this close to a fox

and not worry it's going to sniff round your bins.

LAUGHTER

Have you ever...? You ever done a real autopsy?

Cos obviously on Silent Witness, that's not real, is it?

Please tell me it's not real.

-Well, come and find out.

-No, there's no way!

I only say it because, and this'll sound odd to you,

I'd love you to do mine.

LAUGHTER

I would.

Isn't it a strange thing to know who you'd like to do your autopsy?

I would love Emilia Fox. I would. Have a little rummage in Rob.

I'd have a little rummage ON Rob first before I went INTO Rob.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

If you've been affected by any of the issues raised...

LAUGHTER

-What does that mean?

-Well, you have a bit of a fondle first before you...

No, you don't!

Do you know what? I take back what I said.

When I die, do not go near me.

My dear, dear, dear friend.

-How lovely to see you!

-How are you, Rob? Thank you for having me.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

We go back, so far back. I gave birth to James... When was it?

-How long ago was it?

-It was 35 years ago now, Rob.

-Wasn't an easy birth, was it?

-No.

With hindsight, I should've gone for a Caesarean, but there we are.

Now, we were talking about sport with Louis.

-Yes.

-You've been involved with Sport Relief.

Yeah, I've done some things for it, yes.

A lot of things for Sport Relief. And we think about some of the

wonderful, memorable fundraisers, the water-based fundraisers.

-John Bishop...

-Yep.

-..rowed across the Channel.

-Mm-hm.

-Walliams swam up the Thames.

-Yeah.

You did something - a very special water-based challenge.

Let's have a look.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-We often bathe together.

-You do?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was inches from Golden Balls.

LAUGHTER

-Simon Callow - welcome.

-APPLAUSE

Welcome, sir. Welcome. How about this?

I'm going to come out and say it.

-Oh, right.

-I loved you in Four Weddings.

-Thank you.

I did. I laughed all the way through.

I mean, not the bit where you had the heart attack and you died,

not that moment. Sorry, spoiler alert.

This does give me a lovely opportunity to do this:

-IN HUGH GRANT ACCENT:

-Er, gosh! Crikey... Crikey...

-I'm doing Hugh Grant.

-APPLAUSE

And ladies and gentlemen, how excited am I?

Dawn French is with us!

APPLAUSE

-Oh, yes!

-I speak for everyone when I say

I love The Vicar Of Dibley.

-Are you going to do more?

-No.

-You're not?

-It's just been cancelled.

Oh, no! Ladies and gentlemen, Jennifer Saunders.

APPLAUSE

Right. Those are the guests,

let's go and meet the victims... er, contestants!

Please say hello to Ben and Shirley.

APPLAUSE

Now, then.

I'll start with you, Ben.

-It's lovely to meet you, lovely to see you. I'm loving the hair.

-Thank you.

I'm loving it. I mean, if I did that,

that would take me up to, what? Five foot four?

It's Ben. Where are you from?

I'm from Woking in Surrey.

And you have a very interesting work set-up, don't you?

Yeah, I got two jobs. My main job is a prison officer,

and I also work part-time as a theatre usher.

LAUGHTER

They're two jobs you don't want to get confused, do you?

You don't want to be working as an usher...

-GRUFF LONDON ACCENT:

-"Lights out! Pantomime - now!"

Then strip-searching entire families for Maltesers, it would be horrible.

Back at the prison handing out tubs of rum and raisin to the murderers.

I mean, it could be awful!

Sitting next to you is the lovely Shirley.

-Hello, Rob.

-Hello.

Somebody is looking mighty fine tonight.

I think it's the tie, actually, just lifts my face, doesn't it?

-Where are you from?

-Little Aston which is Birmingham.

We're lucky to have you with us, aren't we? Cos you're not going to be with us much longer.

Whoa, whoa! No. No, no.

She hasn't got anything.

But you are off, you're travelling.

-Yeah, going to emigrate to Australia.

-Emigrating to Australia!

Oh, it's like the programme on in the morning

for the unemployed and students, isn't it, you know.

Starting Afresh.

-What's that called, that programme?

-Wanted Down Under.

My uncle Geffen was wanted down under. But that's a different story.

Still on the run, we don't know where he is.

So what happened? You went over to Australia, you liked what you saw?

No, we never visited. we watched Wanted Down Under,

and we thought it looked quite nice, so...

LAUGHTER

You saw it on the television and decided to leave your family,

your friends... You weren't watching Neighbours, were you,

cos you know that's fiction?

-Which part are you going to?

-Perth.

A lot of dangerous things there, be careful.

If Ben went, I'd say, "Go and take a chance, swim."

I tell you what, if you were swimming,

and you were just under the water...

-..they'd be out of the sea like a shot!

-APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Ben and Shirley.

APPLAUSE

Now then, here's how it works, OK?

I'm going to ask you some questions based on life in the UK.

Our famous five over here are going to have a guess to try to help you.

Now, you don't have to go with what they say, you can go your own way if you wish.

And the contestant who does the best will go on for a chance to play for a lovely prize. OK?

For you, very simple, just see what you think the right answer is and write it down. OK?

-Ben, you're first.

-OK.

-Question number one, here it is:

Tell you what I do.

I drink the blood of virgins.

Works for me.

Been doing it since my early 80s.

Louis, a thing I didn't know about you -

Louis auditioned for the X Factor. Now, when was this?

-When was this, Louis?

-It's a myth.

It's not a myth, it's a fact.

What did you sing, Louis? What did you sing?

-I tried to sing Shai, If I Ever.

-Shai? What is that?

Do it now. It goes...

-JAMES HUMS:

-# Hmm, ba-da-da-do da-do

JAMES AND LOUIS: # Hmm, ba-da-da-do da-do

-ROB:

-# Ma-na-ma-na, bah...

LOUIS: # The very first time I saw your brown eyes

-# Your lips hello and I said hi

-Hmm, ba-da-da-do da-do

# I knew right then you were the one

# Hmm, ba-da-da-do da-do...

CHEERING

JAMES AND LOUIS: # In physical attraction

RHYTHMIC CLAPPING # But to my satisfaction

# Baby, you were more than just a friend

# And if you... # No.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

If I'd known you were going to be that good, I'd never have asked.

Oh. James, James, James. What should they do?

What should they do three times a week to keep them looking younger?

You want my answer? Is that what...?

Having read it, yes, I do.

James cuts to the chase, and he says:

APPLAUSE

-Orgasm.

-Don't you think?

-SQUEAKY VOICE:

-"Don't you think?" I've gone even higher!

Well, I do, when it's delicate matters.

But I believe in the power of it, Rob,

and you know that for a fact.

LAUGHTER

Once again, the safe haven... of Callow Bay.

I'll tell you what, you are refreshing

because you are a man who is ageing with no vanity. No vanity.

No, no - you are letting nature take its course. You...

I mean, Emilia,

how long after death normally would a body look like this?

Simon Callow, when asked the question:

He says:

OK, hang on. To drink it or dance it?

-So this is the...

-Yeah.

-Do you tango?

-Yeah. And look(!)

-LAUGHTER

Are you sure it's a good idea?

Come and show me. Come and show me how to tango. Come on, Simon.

Come on! Get over here. Come on, man! What's the matter with you?

-This'll be good.

-This will be terrible!

This will be good. It'd better be, we haven't given you a fee, yet.

Come on. Oh, careful, careful.

OK. Now then, what's the basics?

-I have no idea!

-LAUGHTER

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I said, I clearly said, "What should they do?"

He, that clapped-out old thespian, said...

-IN SIMON CALLOW ACCENT:

-I think they should tango, Rob.

I said, "Do you tango?" He said, "Yes!"

You bloody liar!

-Can you or can you not tango?

-I can't.

Sit down! Get back! Sit down!

APPLAUSE

Just to be clear, you can gymnast, yes?

-And tango.

-And tango? Could you show me?

-I could show you a little.

CHEERING

All right.

My God, what happened to your trousers?

Were you attacked on the way here?

What do we do? Can I ask, who am I? Don't say Anton du Beke.

-Yes! You can be Flavia.

-So, am I the woman?

-Yeah.

-All right.

-So get nice and close, all right?

-Not that close, not that close!

-How close?

-There's fine.

-All right.

-Right. Now, take this leg.

-What?

Take this leg. No, no!

-So, your right foot.

-Yes?

-Put behind you.

-Right.

-That's it, and then step through with the other foot.

-Sorry, what?

Yeah, and then step forward

-with the same foot.

-Yeah.

-And then back again.

-Yeah.

And then a head flick.

Oh! OK, OK. So...

-Yeah.

-And what's the rhythm?

-Er...

-Cos the rhythm is going to get you.

Dun-dun-dun-dun, dun-dun-dun.

-OK. One, two, three, four.

-Dun-dun-dun-dun, dun-dun-dun.

No, I went wrong, I went wrong!

-APPLAUSE

-No, no, no, no. Do not patronise.

I'm going to get this. Nobody puts baby in the corner.

LOUIS: Right, you ready?

ROB HUMS "LA CUMPARSITA"

-Oh!

-CHEERING

Thank you, Louis. Thank you. Come on. Good man. Louis Smith!

APPLAUSE

Do you have any lies you want to spin, Jennifer?

Jennifer says...

-have a strong face peel and don't wear specs.

-And don't wear specs.

Is it like Silence Of The Lambs? I mean, what do you mean?

I thought, have a strong face peel.

You know, if you are serious about it,

spread a light chemical on your face and your skin comes off.

So I'm told. I have no idea!

All right.

It's not going to be that.

Louis, Louis, Louis... Oh! Interesting, let's take a look.

Louis says...

..power walk.

That's good, because the oldies, you know, Simon, the oldies,

they can't go jogging,

-so it's just getting the heart going, isn't it?

-Yeah.

And, hey, Emilia Fox, she says...

exercise.

I haven't specified what kind of exercise.

Is it more in line with Mr Corden?

LAUGHTER

-SQUEAKY VOICE:

-I'm James Corden, welcome to my five-minute orgasm workout.

APPLAUSE

OK, so let's take a look at all those answers together now, then.

There they are, there's your guess list.

Now, what a collection!

Tempted by any of those?

I'm going to go with Emilia and say exercise.

Personally, I think that's the most likely. All right, here we go.

What should older people do to look younger?

The actual answer is...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I owe you... I owe you a huge apology.

Don't let it be said I don't know what the older generation needs!

LAUGHTER

James Corden, keeping older ladies happy for...

WOMAN LAUGHS

-Ooh! Particularly that one!

-Yeah.

Yes, having sex.

According to the survey, regular sex also helps keep you fit,

lifts your mood, reduces your stress and prolongs your life...

although it can alarm some of the other shoppers in Waitrose.

LAUGHTER

Ben, wrong, I'm afraid. No points awarded.

Shirley, your chance to get a point. Here we go, your question.

According to a recent survey... I think...

It needs to be up longer than that, I'll be honest.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-I mean, I'm fast...

Do they save money if it's only up for a while?

OK, Shirley, let's take a look at your question.

I'd be very uncomfortable on a dating website.

Our computer is in the living room.

LAUGHTER

Right, Louis, internet dating. Ever done it?

No...ish...

-What, you have?!

-AUDIENCE WHOOPS

Sometimes I can get bored, you know...

Hang on a minute, think before you speak.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, we're not talking about sex chat.

That's something else, isn't it, James? That's something else.

All right, Emilia. I'm coming back to look at that in a minute.

-Somebody told me you have a tattoo.

-I do have it a tattoo.

Where is your tattoo? Where is it?

That's barely a tattoo. Show it to...

-What do you mean "barely a tattoo"?

-Show it to...

Well, show the people, show your finger.

Jennifer, turn around!

LAUGHTER

You will NOT disrupt the class!

-I've got a tattoo.

-Talk to the...

-You've got one?!

-Yeah.

-Have you? I'll look at yours in a minute.

Let's see yours first, Emilia. Hold it up.

That way. There we are.

Look at that. It's a little heart. Can you see that? Are we getting it?

There. Look at that. Now, why...? Why is it not finished?

Was it painful?

It was so painful that I said, "Get off me

-"and I don't want that filled in."

-So, you stopped because of the pain?

I have a similar thing. On my chest,

I was going to have "mother" put on there

and the pain was so awful, I've got "moth".

LAUGHTER

-The internet, James.

-Yes.

-Ever turned to the internet for comfort?

LAUGHTER

Don't worry, I'm not going to mention...

-What does that mean?!

-Well, I think you know.

-LAUGHTER

-What have you got, James?

Let's start looking at some of these answers.

The question is, according to a recent survey,

what are people most likely to lie about on a dating website?

James Corden says...

-Size.

-Size. Now...

LAUGHTER

-When you see size...

-Yes.

# Whey-whoo-hoo... #

I think, if I hadn't settled down with Mrs Corden,

I'd probably say, "Oh, you know, I'm...stocky."

LAUGHTER

You look now like a slovenly Gary Barlow.

LAUGHTER

Gary Barlow after Christmas.

-After a REALLY good Christmas.

-Yes, yes.

All right, so size. Simon Callow says...

size!

Size, as well! Now, Jennifer,

Jenny, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny, on the other hand,

Jenny-Jen, you are a surprising petrol-head, aren't you?

-Yes.

-Me, I prefer white wine, but you...

LAUGHTER

Tell us how you did on Top Gear.

Well, I was faster than you, that's what I remember.

You overtook me?

Yes. Slightly.

Now, you went very fast.

Was that your driving skills

or were you just desperate to get away from Jeremy Clarkson?

LAUGHTER

-So, websites, internet dating.

-Never done it, never done it.

-Well, I've never done it. Of course, you and I...

-We're too old.

LAUGHTER

No, I was going to say we're too attractive

-and we've no need to.

-That's true.

-Course not.

-We've no need to. We've no need to.

According to a recent survey,

what are people most likely to lie about on a dating website?

She says...

who they really are!

-Hiding their identity!

-If you go on an internet site,

you think, "No-one's going to want to

"go out with me," so you lie about everything.

All right, we haven't done Louis.

Oh, Louis, you really are representing the young, free,

anything-goes generation.

Louis says...

Now, that's not sexual panthers.

LAUGHTER

-What do you mean? How many they have had?

-Yeah, probably, yeah.

And would they go...

-AS BRUCE FORSYTH:

-..higher or lower?

LAUGHTER

-Have I done you already?

-What?!

-No, no!

No, no, no, I'm not having that, that's too far. Too far.

Let's have a look. Emilia says...

-age!

-APPLAUSE

-Oh, look!

-That's what most people are thinking.

Let's put all the answers up together. That's the guess list.

Now then, what do you make of those?

I like the way Louis is thinking.

I think you like a lot about Louis!

Personally, I'm thinking occupation, purely...

My husband told me he was a footballer,

turns out he's a builder.

-Did he honestly tell you that?

-Well, no. Yes.

LAUGHTER

I've got no idea what she's on.

It's going to be a long night.

-Shirley, Shirley... You're saying occupation?

-Occupation.

What are people most likely to lie about on dating websites?

The answer is...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Shirley, you're correct. One point to you. Well done.

Ben, here's your question.

Right? Personally, I don't think we do anything better than women.

I have to say that in case Mrs Brydon is looking in.

She won't be, she'll be watching the cage fighting

-on the sports channel, but...

-LAUGHTER

Louis. Louis Smith, men's gymnastics.

Better than women's gymnastics, would you say?

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

That's what it looks like when a man is put on the spot.

I'd say we definitely push

the boundaries of the sport a lot more, but I think...

That's a yes, I think, isn't it?

Has everybody finished?

Excellent. Let's take a look at what Louis has said.

Louis says...

driving.

And a very helpful picture of a car there. Thank you, Louis.

For any audience members who just...

"driving" wasn't going to be enough for them.

My car smells of Brydon, Emilia.

Does yours smell of Fox?

LAUGHTER

If so, check under the wheel arches.

So, thank you. Thank you for the diagram.

Emilia. Emilia says...

directions. Yes, I think that... That is an interesting one.

Oh, Gavin And Stacey...

-CHEERING

-Well, that's... Thank you.

So long ago. I've not seen you much on the telly.

-What have you been doing?

-I've just been waiting for this moment.

-Goodness, but you've become a father?

-I have. Yes.

He's the father to a lovely young boy.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Did you get an award for that as well?

How many awards can one man win?

-I've won nothing since Gavin And Stacey! Nothing!

-Really?

Yes, stop cackling, Jennifer, please.

It's not appealing to be cackling like a witch

with your back turned to me.

You've won a Tony on Broadway. He has.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And I KNOW a Tony on Ealing Broadway.

LAUGHTER

All right, James, what do men do better than women? You said...

-Flying.

-Flying?

-Mm.

LAUGHTER

I've never been on a plane and...

You know when the pilot comes on at the start and says,

"Good evening, I'm going to take us up to 90,000 feet

"and then we'll take a left at Chicago," and things like that,

I've never heard a woman doing that on a plane I've been on.

Do you know what? Neither have I. Has anybody ever had a woman pilot?

A female pilot?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

-None of them, there we are.

LAUGHTER

So, you're going to say flying. Now, here we come to a proper actor.

And I don't mean that... No... No, no, no. No, no, hang on a minute.

That's... That's not...

APPLAUSE

There is no disrespect in that, but honestly...

having someone like you on this show is going to do us the power of good.

He's good, but he's a clown.

Just say something to me, Simon. Say anything, I don't care what it is.

-Good evening, Rob.

-Oh, I love it!

-APPLAUSE

Oh, I love it. And listen, listen to this. Come on, you do the same.

Evening, Rob!

LAUGHTER

-HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:

-I mean, look, it's a ridiculously high voice.

"Hello, Rob, how are you doing?"

I mean, how you've got as far as you have is a mystery!

Great to have you here.

Simon Callow. Dickens, Shakespeare, you make the past come alive.

-Thank you.

-It's like watching Antiques Roadshow.

Let's see what you've got. Simon thinks it's...

drive.

Too lazy to do the I-N-G.

LAUGHTER

Driving, right. Look at this!

They don't make it easy, do they?

Remember that... that Stallone film, Cliffhanger.

-AS SYLVESTER STALLONE:

-You're not going to die, I won't let you die.

APPLAUSE

All right.

Let's have a look at Jennifer's answer.

Driving. So there is a groundswell of opinion for driving!

But I will say, a lot of them

are not the brightest buttons in the box.

Let's take a look at all the answers. There's your guess list.

Now, you don't have to go with

any of those if you don't want to.

What do you think?

I'm going to agree with Louis, Jennifer and Simon and driving.

Driving. OK, good luck. I hope you get it right.

What did 98% of Brits say men do better than women?

The answer is...

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

APPLAUSE

Unbelievable!

Jennifer, I am so sorry. That... That's ludicrous, isn't it?

-Who are those men?

-Well, you and Dawn are the other 2%.

-OK, yes.

LAUGHTER

Goodness me! You're wrong there. I'm sorry, Ben.

No points for that.

That's a shocker. It's a shocker.

All right, Shirley, you're next.

It's a celebrity question, OK?

So, for this one, I am going to ask one of our celebrities to ask

-a question about themselves. Simon, there's an envelope.

-Yes.

It's your winter fuel allowance.

LAUGHTER

At last!

APPLAUSE

-OK, what does it say?

-"I am a successful actor..."

Oh, stop banging on about yourself!

-"..but what do I never do?"

-What, that's what it genuinely says?

-Yes.

Sorry, I just thought you were having a me moment!

He's a successful actor, but what does he never do?

I'm guessing now this is going to be something

you would expect an actor to do.

OK? Have a little think.

-Jennifer Saunders. Tell me about - I read this - hypnotherapy.

-Oh!

You are going to try hypnotherapy, am I right?

-Yes.

-And what is it for?

Not for what you would think.

Putting things off. Not doing things.

Procrastinating, yes. Meaning to do stuff...

I do mean to go and do it and I will do it.

-And this is in particular for the movie, isn't it?

-For writing, yeah.

-Because you are going to do...

-Because I put it off.

Absolutely Fabulous, the movie.

Absolutely Fabulous, the movie.

APPLAUSE

Wow. Can I just say, if it happens, and it comes to casting...?

No.

LAUGHTER

-Sorry.

-Let me help you...

-OK.

-..with the hypnotherapy.

Simon, would you be kind enough to get up and just push off?

-You come and sit here. Pop yourself there.

-What are you going to do?

There we are. There we are. I'm going to sit with you.

So, hypnotherapy to help you with procrastination.

Just hear the words. Close your eyes, Jennifer, trust me. Tight.

LAUGHTER Why?

I don't trust you. I don't trust you.

Jennifer, Jennifer, the basis of any successful hypnotherapy

is trust between the therapist

and the lunatic.

LAUGHTER

And I want you, Jennifer, I want you to hear the sound of water,

gently trickling down.

It's not Simon, don't worry.

Gently trickling water.

I'm going to place, ever so gently, a suggestion.

Get on with it, girl!

LAUGHTER

-Ooh! Sorry, one last thing, you're under again.

-OK.

Cast Rob Brydon. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Simon, back you go.

Now then. Simon Callow is a very successful actor.

But there's one thing that he never does. James Corden says...

Well, I thought about it.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Jennifer Saunders, when asked what does Simon Callow never do?

Jennifer says...

"Learns his lines"?!

He probably does, I just thought, he's probably successful, but he's...

He absorbs his lines. He doesn't have to learn them.

It's a tricky question, actually, Shirley.

Now, Louis says that Simon never...

smooches on camera.

All right, OK. Emilia Fox, she says...

love scenes.

I was going to put nudity, but I have actually seen Simon naked on...

I think I've seen Simon naked on film, as well.

I have, and I suddenly remembered that, so...

-Running around a lake. That's...

-Exactly. Jumping in.

It's seared on my mind.

I mean, the number of therapists I've got through.

Right, all those answers are locked in.

So, Simon, could you write the right answer in there, please?

That's the guess list.

Now, Shirley, what does Simon Callow never do?

You don't have to go with any of those, you can go your own way.

Like Emilia, I was thinking nudity.

So I'm going to go with love scenes.

You're going to say love scenes.

What does Simon Callow never do? The actual answer is...

-AUDIENCE OOHS

-Never watches television?!

Haven't got one, Rob.

Do you have any idea who we are?

LAUGHTER

Barely!

Have you seen anything I've done?

Yeah... LAUGHTER

That's a no.

All right, Shirley, I'm so sorry, you're wrong, no points awarded.

All right, we've got to the point in the show, though,

where we find out who is going to play for the prize,

let's take a look at the scores.

Oh, it's 1-0 to Shirley.

Oh, no. Ben, we've got to say goodbye to you. Sorry, Ben.

Thank you for coming on.

Ladies and gentlemen, we say goodbye to Ben, but well done, Shirley.

APPLAUSE

So this is it, this is what the final feels like.

Breathe it in, Shirley.

You are one question away from winning your prize.

Now, for the final question, the answer is a number.

You can hear the panel's guesses, just like before, but it's a number.

And before we play, I'm going to dangle this prize under your nose.

Because you're going to Australia,

we want you to get a little bit of that Perth lifestyle in advance.

So we are sending you on an all-expenses-paid trip

to Perth

in Perthshire, Scotland.

Yes. Yes, we are. Yes, we are.

APPLAUSE

There's only one question standing in your way.

Let's take a look at it.

All right, have a little think about that now.

What percentage of men, they want the make-up at all times?

I like Mrs Brydon to look her best at all times, I do.

When I get home, I take my contact lenses out.

LAUGHTER

James, what's your grooming routine like?

-You have a sheen to you, which I love.

-Really?

Yeah, what do you do, big man, do you wash?

LAUGHTER

I wash. But I don't do any moisturising or...

-You never moisturise?

-No, because I think it's all a trick.

-Really?

-Yeah, like lip balm.

-Once you start using lip balm...

-You get hooked.

-Yeah.

It's one step away from heroin, it really is.

LAUGHTER

Simon, obviously, you're pretty slapdash,

you don't really care, do you?

You get up in the morning, a bit of sandpaper, off you go.

You're ready to go.

All right, everybody, let's see what our celebrities think.

Louis says...

18%.

Emilia says...

18%.

James says...

10%.

-Gosh.

-Simon says...

What a curious percentage!

That's as though you've gone and done some research on it.

-HE IMITATES SIMON:

-Because I've come back and I've found it's 27%.

HE BRAYS

-That's Stephen Fry in Blackadder.

-It is Stephen Fry, I know, I know.

-HE BRAYS

-..Blackadder.

Blackadder's a TV show, Simon.

All right, Jennifer says...

36. Ooh! Interesting, Jennifer's gone the highest.

So it goes from 18% to 36%.

-Now then, to make it easier for you, Shirley...

-OK.

..I'm just going to give you two possibilities.

I'm going to give you the right answer and a wrong answer.

You've got a 50-50 chance, either/or.

Let's take a look at the two of them.

It's either 23%...

None of them have gone higher than 36,

and yet the highest we are offering you is 73.

It's either 23 or 73, but think carefully.

So one's the real answer...

It's very difficult, isn't it, to understand?

-It is.

-Yes!

It's cunningly deceptive.

LAUGHTER

It's either/or, love!

LAUGHTER

God, if you were ever on The Krypton Factor,

you'd have a nervous breakdown.

LAUGHTER

One is right, one is wrong.

-HE IMITATES SHIRLEY:

-"Could you just go through it again now?

"One of these answers..."

One is right, one is wrong.

I'm not sure I want you to win any more, to be very honest.

I would have thought it was a low answer, obviously,

-because men prefer the natural.

-They prefer the natural, but...

But 73% must be the answer.

73% of men, why?

Why do you think that?

I don't know, I might have understood it wrong, but...

LAUGHTER

I think there's a fairly good chance you've understood it wrong.

The 23 must be theirs, and the 73 must be the right answer.

Yeah, that's not how it works, love.

All they're...

LAUGHTER

All they are doing is guessing, all right?

Did you leave school early?

LAUGHTER

Now, look, they've had a guess, OK?

But what I've done is I've made it easier for you.

I've ignored what they've done, OK? And I've given you two.

One of them is right.

Are you listening to me?

One of them is right and one of them is wrong.

And I want you to win.

Are you saying 73? I think you should.

Are you saying 73?

How clear can I make it?!

LAUGHTER

What part of fixing the show and going against BBC ethical guidelines

do you not understand?

And nobody can tweet about this.

-Now, Shirley, what are you going to go for?

-Is it 73%?

You're going for...

Well, don't say it like that, like you're taking the piss.

LAUGHTER

OK. You can lead a horse to water...

You don't look like a horse, I'm not saying that.

-What are you going to go for?

-73%.

-73%.

The actual answer is...

Yay!

APPLAUSE

You've done it. Yay, Shirley's won the prize.

Frankly, she doesn't deserve it.

That's all for tonight.

Well done to Shirley, thanks to all our panel stars, Louis Smith...

APPLAUSE

-..Emilia Fox...

-APPLAUSE

-..James Corden...

-APPLAUSE

-..Simon Callow...

-APPLAUSE

-..and Jennifer Saunders.

-APPLAUSE

Thank you for watching, good night.

Right, love, come and join me, come and meet them.