Episode 2 The Guess List

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

Hello. Good evening.

Hello. Hello.

Hello! Welcome to The Guess List,

the show where we have A-list celebrities.

Sorry - a list of celebrities. Here they are.

If you want a champion boxer, give him a ring. It's David Haye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We got 100% of her for £50. It's Deborah Meaden!

CHEERING

Things could get hairy. It's Julian Clary!

CHEERING

Second only to curry, my favourite lamb - Larry Lamb.

CHEERING

They didn't all go mad or marry footballers. It's Melanie C!

CHEERING

-Look at you! Oh! Mwah!

-Mwah!

SHE GIGGLES Thank you.

Look at that! Look!

-Look at that panel, eh?

-AUDIENCE EXCLAIM

Four of the brightest brains in the business.

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

You make your own mind up!

-Larry, Larry, Larry, Larry!

-Yes, Uncle Bryn!

Larry, Larry, Larry, Larry. All I've got to say to you, Larry,

is, "Let go of my hand."

Larry Lamb. Goodness me! Now, here's what you won't know.

In your 20s -

not the 1920s, YOUR 20s -

selling encyclopaedias...

-Selling encyclopaedias.

-..door to door.

On American bases in Germany.

Was this during the war?

-I used to go door to door selling Roget's Thesaurus.

-Did you?

-Yes, yes. Ask me what I thought of it.

-What did you think of it?

I thought it was boring.

Monotonous. Tedious.

Repetitious, dull, tiresome, humdrum, insipid and interminable.

APPLAUSE

It's a thesaurus joke, you see.

-Debbie Meaden...

-Ooh! Ooh!

Little Debbie Meaden is here. How are you?

I'd be ever so much better if you called me Deborah.

-ROB AND AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-Well, that's told me, hasn't it?

-He knew that! He knew that!

So, Debbie, you started out...

You started out as a sharp-minded young girl.

You've grown into one of the most astute businesswomen we have

and, yet, not so full of yourself that you won't muck in

and help to make the tea. Have a look. Look at that!

-There you are with a couple of mugs.

-There you go.

And there you are with four of them.

Now, here's what I want to know. What are you all looking at there?

-What has happened in the studio?

-Dragons have very long tongues.

-Yes?

-So there's probably a fly.

Probably one of us is, in a minute, just going to go like that.

I'll be very honest - I didn't expect you to say THAT.

Julian Clary is here, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-I've got quite a long tongue, as well.

-Ooh!

Now, I did think YOU might say that.

Is it fair to call you an institution, Julian?

No, I'm a camp comic and renowned homosexual.

That's the phrase! That's the catchphrase.

Camp. You are a camp act.

Please don't touch me!

Not even an affectionate stroke on the shoulder?

No, it's not working for me.

I thought I was going to pull early on in the evening

but evidently I haven't.

I'm moving on.

David Haye.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah!

We, er... We were chatting earlier at the weigh in.

Do you still work out, David? What do you do?

-Er, a bit of weight training.

-What are you pressing these days?

LAUGHTER What am I pressing?

Hang on, shut up! If I say...

If I say, "What are you pressing?"

it's because I'm no stranger to the gym!

-Nothing at the moment.

-Why?

I've had little injury - dislocated, er... Ruptured, smashed...

-"Shoulder" I think is the word you're looking for.

-Yes, yes, yes.

"What is this? Is it knee? Knee? Ankle?"

-It's in this vicinity.

-It's not working, anyway, whatever it is.

So there's no pressing of late.

So if I wanted to take you out, now would be a good time.

This would be the optimum time to do it.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

I present to you the best singer in the Spice Girls.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Wonderful news about the Spice Girls reunion.

-Is there?

-It's not going to happen!

-SHE CHUCKLES

-APPLAUSE

-Oh!

But not a Spice Girl any more. A West End star now.

-How do you find that?

-Well, you know, it's one of the things I do.

My last theatre production was Jesus Christ Superstar.

No, I haven't seen that. Don't tell me what happens in the end.

OK, I won't spoil it for you.

-Larry's been working in the theatre, haven't you, Larry?

-Ooh!

I bought two tubs of ice cream off him last week.

All right, listen, good luck tonight. Get your thinking caps on, OK, all of you.

Cos I will be returning to you for your wisdom.

OK, Debbie?

That's our panel. Let's meet the contestants.

CHEERING

And it's Sam and Chris.

Welcome, both of you. Now, Sam, I'm going to start with you.

-Tell us first of all where you come from.

-I'm from Wigan.

-Wigan? Lovely.

-Which is Greater Manchester.

-And what do you do?

I work for the UK's largest clothing retailer, as a...

-We're not going to say who they are, are we?

-No, no.

No, because the next thing you know, we could be in trouble.

-Boom-boom!

-And, er, fashion at the moment... I mean, what's in?

Animal prints, I'm told. My spies tell me animal prints are big.

Like giraffe?

Well, I wasn't necessarily thinking about giraffe.

Is there something you want to tell us?

-Oh, yeah, I do actually love giraffes.

-You love giraffes?

I love giraffes. Yeah, I do.

All right. Well, it's nice to have a hobby, isn't it?

-How do you express this love?

-I am married, as well.

-Not to a giraffe?

-No!

This has taken an odd turn, hasn't it?

Tell us about the giraffes.

I went down to London Zoo and the giraffe was there

and the first thing I did when I saw it was burst into tears.

Aw!

-You were so moved!

-I was.

-You're starting to cry now.

-I know!

Oh, for heaven's sake.

But I wasn't young. I was 26!

LAUGHTER

You're coming across as a little bit simple, if I'm to tell the truth.

I mean, I'm just saying what we're thinking.

Well, do you know what I'm going to say?

I'm going to stick my neck out...

If you do well tonight, who knows what your prize might include?

A picture of a giraffe.

-And this is Chris. Hello, Chris.

-Hi, Rob.

-How you doing?

-I'm good. How're you?

-Very well, thank you.

-Where are you from?

-I'm from the Vale of Evesham in Worcestershire.

-And what do you do?

-I'm a greengrocer.

A traditional greengrocer?

Yep, the best in the Vale of Evesham, definitely.

Ah, well, that's in your opinion, isn't it?

And, er, you're a dad.

-I'm a dad, yeah. Twin boys.

-What are they called?

They're called Quinn and Otto.

Pardon?

-For a minute there, I thought you said Quinn and Otto.

-That's it.

Quinn and Otto, yeah.

What the hell were you thinking?!

-You're middle class, aren't you?

-I don't know about that.

-POSH ACCENT:

-"Quinn, Otto!

"Come on, we're going on a barge holiday in France!"

Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised

if you baked your own bloody bread, as well!

We do.

-You do?

-We do.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-My wife does! My wife does!

-Ladies and gentlemen, Sam and Chris.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right. Let's begin.

Now...here's how the show works.

I'm going to ask you both some questions about life in the UK.

Our star panel will be trying to help you with their guesses, OK?

You can go with one of their guesses or you can go your own way.

Whoever does the best goes through to the final

and the chance to play for a really rather lovely

personalised prize, OK?

You chaps here, listen closely,

write down on your electronic pads what you think the answer is

and I'll come round and have a chat with you and get your answers.

Sam, you're first. Here's your question.

Celebrities, start writing.

-This is in addition...

-An addition?

-..so they've augmented the body.

Something they've added. OK?

I'll tell you straightaway what I don't like in a woman.

Large hands and an Adam's apple.

I'll never make that mistake again!

Though I have to say there was a lot about the evening that I did enjoy.

-Now, tell me, Melanie...

-Yeah?

-I'm a big Spice Girls fan.

-Mm-hm.

I mean, it's obvious. But do tell me,

whatever happened to Victoria?

-She was Posh Spice.

-She was, yeah.

So I'm imagining that she married some sort of upper-class intellectual.

-No singing? For her?

-No, she...

-She was never a big singer, was she?

-Do you know, the thing is...

Sorry, no, no, no.

She was never a GOOD singer.

Sorry. Sorry, sorry.

She was a bad singer, wasn't she?

Rob, I expect more from you!

As long as they get laughs, they're in!

Now, Larry Lamb...

Len Goodman for the older woman.

Now, Larry, you must know about women.

-You've been married four times.

-Three times.

This is a recorded show.

By the time it goes out, anything could have happened.

-Mine's gone.

-Yours has gone, has it? Did it disappear?

-Yes.

Can you jot it down again, Julian? I think it may have been...

I think they thought...

-Is it too rude?

-Yeah, yeah!

-OK, sorry.

There's no nice way of saying it. Yes, it was too rude, yes.

LAUGHTER

I mean, we're rude...

I've got to think of another answer now, so talk amongst yourselves.

Don't you worry. Take your time, take your time.

Now, what addition to a woman's body did 78% of men rate as a turn-off?

Larry Lamb says...

..an extra breast.

You think it's clever, don't you, Larry? You think it's clever.

I just think there's probably about,

you know, one in five blokes that would actually like it.

It's a turn-off, not a turn-on.

Yes, Larry, as Julian rightly points out,

we're looking for something that men find a turn-off. I mean...

That's what I mean. So 78% rate it as a turn-off, right?

-But I reckon about a fifth would like it.

-Oh, yes, I see. Yes, yes, yes.

He's thought this through, hasn't he?

The question doesn't ask you what 22% thought.

If you've just tuned in, you've joined us

in the middle of a lively debate

-..rate it as a turn...

-Thank you, Larry. Thank you, Larry.

Yes, 78% reckon it's a turn-off. 22% reckon it's a turn-on.

-Larry, it's a game show!

-Yes.

-It's not a science programme.

-Yes!

Deborah Meaden.

Thank goodness!

-You live on a farm, don't you?

-I do.

-Where is it?

-In Somerset.

-How lovely - a Somerset farm.

-All sorts of animals?

-All sorts.

-You've got a cat - I know that - called...?

-Friday.

-Friday.

11 chickens. What are they called?

Sunday lunch?

Do you enjoy lambing?

Stay there!

What are you thinking, Deborah? What are you thinking?

An addition to a woman's body.

Let's take a look at what Deborah says.

She thinks it's...

Ah, yes, the trout pout. This is the augmented lips.

Now, Julian Clary...

-Hello.

-Who knows what he might have written down?

Well, I did think of an answer and I was told I wasn't allowed to have it.

Nonsense!

I mean, you'd have had to have said

something like "a drooping vulva" for us not to allow it!

I misunderstood - I thought we could say what we liked.

Well, yes, up to a point, Julian.

For the question, it's about the general population.

Is there anything specific that turns Julian Clary off a woman?

Well...

No, I had my experimental teenage years.

I know about the female body.

And it's very complicated, isn't it?

Don't look at me!

No, it's peppered with erogenous zones

and they all have to be stimulated simultaneously...

..if any kind of lift-off is going to occur.

This is what I tell Mrs Brydon every Friday night.

-I remember all that.

-I'm living on a knife edge at the moment.

That's as far as I'm prepared to go.

Oh, thank God! Right, let's see what Julian says.

What addition to a woman's body did 78% of men rate as a turn-off?

Julian says...

..baldness.

I'm not happy with it as an answer.

No, I mean, that's a subtraction, not an addition.

-I misunderstood the question.

-All right, all right.

It's an interesting answer. It's a rogue answer.

-I'll be better in the next round.

-I think we're all hoping that.

David Haye. David Haye.

You've been gay all your adult life.

Sorry, that was Julian's question. Julian's question. Now, David...

-Yes?

-Do you like a sporty woman?

-I do.

-Because we have the ultimate...

-I really do!

-We have the ultimate sporty woman here tonight.

Deborah Meaden - very good at bridge.

What are you going to say? Let's have a look.

David Haye says that the addition to a woman's body

78% of men would find a turn-off is...

Oh, yes, a "lip job", so the same as Deborah with the trout pout.

Now, Melanie, she says...

Ah, yes, I think this is a good one.

Mel says...

..tattoos.

Ah, yeah, mm. All right. Let's take a look at all the answers together.

There's your guess list.

Now then, Sam, you don't have to go with any of those

-if you don't want to.

-OK.

-What are you thinking?

-I'm trying to think about men in general.

-Mm.

-LAUGHTER

-I bet you are!

I would say...

-tattoos.

-You're going to go for tattoos.

OK, I hope you're right. Let's take a look.

What addition to a woman's body do men rate as a turn-off?

The answer is...

-Yes!

-APPLAUSE

Yes, you got a point. Well done. Well done.

78% said "tattoos".

-Now, Mel, this is a bit awkward, isn't it?

-I know!

-Because how many have you got?

-This is bittersweet.

Er...I have 12.

And I'm single!

Well, at the very least, we've worked out why you're single.

I've been thinking of getting one in, er...

that little hard-to-reach place.

The shop behind the Co-op.

Sam, you're right. Well done.

One point. Right, Chris...

-OK.

-Your turn. Good luck. Let's take a look at Chris's question.

The one thing you shouldn't do, OK?

Celebrities, start thinking.

Julian, within the bounds of...

Of decency.

Larry's still wide awake - that's a plus.

HE MOUTHS

What did I read about you, Larry?

-About your involvement with the Eurostar?

-Oh, yeah.

What was all that? Cos I know you lived in France for a while.

I did, yeah. Yeah, I did. LAUGHTER

Hang on, I'm trying to think of this. I'm trying to answer this.

Mr Lamb, the visitors are here.

I'm trying to answer this. Hang on a minute.

It's your son, Mr Lamb. It's Rob. He's come to see you.

You'll be yelling at me in a minute - I'm too late with the answer.

"How's he been doing, Nurse?"

"Well, good days and bad days, to be honest."

He really can't do two things at once, can he?

Let's see what Larry Lamb says the biggest fashion faux pas is.

Sandals and socks. That's a good answer. That's a very good answer.

Now, Deborah, tell us about Strictly.

You loved the dressing up, didn't you?

I loved everything about Strictly.

You said, "When I'm dancing, I feel lit up."

Yes, I did.

That's all the static from the polyester.

You've done it as well, Julian.

Yeah, we were talking earlier. We've both done the Strictly tour.

Which, unlike the TV thing, you do the same performance

every night and the judges say the same things.

It can get a bit tedious and I got bored.

So one night, during my paso doble,

I pulled the flags of all nations out of my arse.

Well, out... Out of your trousers, Julian.

Just to be clear.

All right, then, let's see what Deborah says.

What do Brits think is the biggest fashion faux pas?

Deborah Meaden says...

..socks with sandals. Yes!

-Now, Julian...

-Yes?

You've been doing a lot of pantomime recently, haven't you?

-Yes, I have.

-I find panto very annoying.

People think audience interaction is funny and I say, "Oh, no, it isn't."

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh, yes, it is!

-See what I mean?

-He's behind me.

-Do you enjoy it?

-Yes, I do enjoy it.

There's nothing nicer than six weeks in Cardiff.

LAUGHTER

I try and engage him in pleasant, civilised conversation

and he resorts to racism.

Cos that's what it is.

-The New Theatre?

-Yes, it was the New Theatre.

-Lovely.

-I was an usher there for a while.

-Were you?

-Yes, I was.

I was an usher at the Old Vic.

You see, that's the difference between us.

All right, what's the biggest fashion faux pas?

Julian Clary says...

..thongs.

I'm with you. It is a fashion faux pas.

Now, David Haye, you, on the other hand,

very unadventurous fashion wise.

Every time I see you, it's shorts and a dressing gown.

-You've got a lovely style, David. It's relaxed.

-It is.

-I'm more of a "whatever's clean" type of guy.

-Yeah.

What does David Haye think is the biggest British fashion faux pas?

Let's take a look.

Crutchless chaps.

-What does that mean? Crutchless...

-Ask Julian.

No, you've made a mistake. All chaps are crutchless.

They're just chaps, aren't they? They just come up there.

Who the hell is wearing crutchless chaps?

Sorry, no, there we are. There's a man there.

It's very unlikely it's going to be that.

All right. Goodness me!

Er, Melanie. I'm so sorry, Melanie.

I'm so sorry that you've arrived on an evening

when it is little more than a filth-fest.

Melanie C says the big British fashion faux pas -

socks with sandals. Yes. That seems to be the one.

Let's put them all up together. There's your guess list, Chris.

Now then, we've got one, two, three socks with sandals.

The other two are stupid. So...

-What are you going to do?

-Can you just... I don't know what chaps are.

What are crutchless chaps? I honestly don't know.

I thought we'd finished with the crutchless chaps!

This is a red herring. It really doesn't matter.

-It's nothing to do with chaps.

-OK!

Who said chaps? You, you idiot!

Look what you've done. Look what you've done! You've ruined...

This was really flowing nicely.

We'd got past the whole Julian thing.

It's not the chaps. It's not the chaps. Forget the chaps.

-Right, right.

-Stop asking about the chaps!

-What's wrong with you?

-Right.

Now, choose. You don't have to choose one of those.

-You can have your own.

-I'll definitely...

-Just answer!

-Socks with sandals, definitely.

-Thank you.

Why couldn't you have just said that ten minutes ago?

Chris is saying "socks with sandals".

What is the biggest fashion faux pas? The answer is...

Oh, thank the Lord!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Yes!

Socks and sandals.

Also on the list were tracksuits and crop tops.

MELANIE CHUCKLES

Chris, well done.

Point for you. OK. Sam, we're back with you. Let's take a look

at your next question.

..should be made to do?

Celebrities, get writing.

David... I'm told you're a big movie fan, David.

-You like going to the cinema.

-Love it. Love it.

As often as I can get down, the better.

What about the annoyance factor? Mrs Brydon and I went to see Gravity.

-Wonderful film.

-The worst film I've ever seen in my life.

-That was terrible.

-Why? What's wrong with it?

I just couldn't wait for her to die.

I just wanted her to die the whole way through. I was so...

The best thing about the film was it ended. That's it.

I think that's Bullocks!

-I'm told you like your pick and mix, though.

-I do love a bit of pick and mix.

Like it a bit too much, don't you?

It's the fact that you've got to queue up for so long.

-And you've got the... You've got them in your hand.

-He steals pick and mix.

Technically, stealing's putting something in your pocket

and walking off without paying.

-And what do you do?

-I just eat it there and then.

-But I'll bet no-one ever challenges you.

-No, no.

No. Can you imagine the manager?

"He's doing it again, Rory.

"Shall I say something, Stephen?"

"No, no! Let him go.

"Hello, Mr Haye. Enjoy the film.

"It's one of Sandra's best."

Hey, Mel. You know what I love that you did?

-AS BRYAN ADAMS:

-# I've been running around the house all night

# Trying to get my head on the floor... #

-Now, the thing is...

-# And I... # What?

You're really good at impressions but that one's rubbish.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

You try to book Geri Halliwell and this is what happens.

Do you know what? You just need to work on it.

# Baby, when you're gone

# Feel like I'm in lu-urve

# The days go on and on

# And the nights feel so-ooo-oo long

# Even food don't feel so good

# No-oh-oh. #

Finally, she joins in!

All right, let's take a look at what Mel thinks.

What do 60% of Brits believe pensioners should be made to do?

And Melanie C says...

Ah! Sensible answer. Retake their driving test. All right.

LAUGHTER

Here's the authority.

-As they get older, Larry, a lot of people look to their past.

-Yep.

You went a step further. You did Who Do You Think You Are?

Larry traced his family tree all the way back to 1742

-and you found your birth certificate, didn't you?

-I did.

LAUGHTER

It was in a file with yours.

APPLAUSE

Oh! No, no, no. I think...

I think... I think that's very cruel.

I don't like that sort of humour.

Let's take a look at what 60% of Brits

think pensioners should be made to do.

Larry Lamb says...

..get out and meet people.

Deborah Meaden, what are you thinking with these pensioners?

Let's have a look at Deborah's answer. She says...

..take driving test again. The same as Melanie said.

Julian...

Oh, I've just seen your answer. OK!

What does Julian Clary think pensioners should be made to do?

No!

It's much the same as Larry's answer.

No, no, Julian. No, no.

He just said, "It's much the same as Larry's answer." It's really not.

I think it's better. It's a better version.

It would be very good for them. Get them out, some fresh air...

I'm so very, very sorry.

Now, David Haye, you're not old -

one of the youngest panellists -

and yet the only one who's actually retired!

But your eyesight is going. Look at this!

What is that moment like when you're with the other guy?

-There must be fear inside.

-No, it's not.

Your adrenaline pumps but you're not scared -

you just want to destroy them.

-Could I have a little try? Could we eyeball each other?

-But if I...

-If I get that feeling, it could get a bit...

-Yeah, yeah.

Let's be clear now. All we're doing now is...

-Don't be aggressive!

-OK.

That's the thing. You're there and...

-Yeah, but I said, "DON'T be aggressive."

-OK, OK.

We're going to just... Just...

Oh, God!

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

A-A-A-All right. Now...

What do we do now?

Oh, God!

I'm going down a step.

And what are you... Wah!

Oh, very good. Very good, yeah!

Yeah, go on, sit down.

Let's have a look at your answer, then.

-"Collect more money."

-They don't get...

They've contributed to society their whole life and they get paid peanuts.

-Oh, so their pension should be...

-Get more pension.

-Oh, I thought you meant they'd go round with a bucket, collecting.

-APPLAUSE

All right, let's take a look at all those answers together now.

That's the guess list.

Sam, do any of those tempt you or are you going to think of your own?

Dogging wasn't the first thing that sprung to mind,

-when you asked me that question.

-Really?

-No. I actually...

I think "take the driving test". Yeah, I think so.

OK, I think it's a good choice.

Lets see. You're saying "take the driving test again".

What do Brits believe pensioners should be made to do?

The actual answer is...

Yes! Well done.

Well done. A point to you.

Now, before we move on, Chris,

you have a very special skill.

-Yeah. Er...

-Psh-psh-psh, whoo-whoo! Psh-psh-psh, whoo-whoo!

I'm one of the best players in the world at Galaxian,

the old arcade game.

-Does anybody remember Galaxian?

-I do.

-Deborah does.

She probably bought it, I would imagine.

And, so, have you entered a competition for this?

Yeah, I used to play it online

against people from all over the world

and there was a high-score table with tens of thousands of players

and I was in the top ten, so pretty good.

Out of tens of thousands of players? That deserves a round of applause.

-APPLAUSE

-Wow! Well done. Well done.

I mean, it's a rubbish thing to be good at.

Now, Chris, your question is a celebrity one

and it comes from David Haye. David, what's your question?

As a former heavyweight champ, I curtail all my vices before a fight.

So what is the first thing I like to do when it's over?

Ooh! Well, this is...

The mind races!

Celebrities, get writing.

David cuts out his vices before a big fight.

What's the first thing he does once it's over?

Everybody written? Julian nearly there?

OK, we're going to start with you, Mel.

He's had a fight. First thing he does, Mel says, is...

..eat a burger.

-Larry Lamb. Ever boxed, Larry?

-No.

-Ever been in a fight?

-No.

Good runner. LAUGHTER

Larry Lamb says...

..drink a cold beer.

Drink a cold beer.

Now, Deborah... You won't know this about Deborah.

As well as being a wonderful businesswoman,

a child prodigy at the piano. Am I right?

-Er, I'm not sure I was a prodigy.

-You were good, though?

Er, when I was very tiny.

-All right. Well, let's put it to the test, because...

-Oh!

-What can you give us, Debbie? What can you give us?

-On this?

SHE PLAYS BEETHOVEN'S "Fur Elise"

SHE PLAYS WRONG NOTES

Oh, dear!

-Well, it was underwhelming, wasn't it?

-Hold on, hold on!

No, you had your chance, love!

HE MOUTHS

# If you wanna be my lover

# You gotta get...

-# I-If you... If... #

-LAUGHTER

Shut up!

It's not as easy as it looks.

David, for you...

HE PLAYS THEME TO "Rocky"

APPLAUSE

David, David... The stairs!

Oh, go on, then! APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You did it! Come on!

Oh! That was special.

There ain't gonna be no rematch.

Now, Deborah Meaden says that after a fight, David Haye...

"Have a pint." Same as Larry. Er...

HE CHUCKLES

Yes!

Julian Clary says that he...

..chomps on a battered sausage.

-And yet...

-Am I right? Am I right?

No, we will find out.

We will find out.

I don't think Julian meant it literally, do you?

Right, there's the guess list. Now, the answers are locked in, David,

so you can now write down the real one now.

Chris, do any of those tempt you? Or are you going to choose your own?

I'm tempted by "have a pint".

And I've heard that if you abstain from sex -

not saying that that's a vice, I don't know if that counts as a vice or not.

Depends how you're doing it.

I thought there was a build-up of testosterone.

My God, the life of an Evesham greengrocer!

-So I...

-There's more to it than you'd think, isn't there?

-I'm going to go for "to have sex".

-All right. Let's have a look.

What's the first thing David does after a fight? The answer is...

AUDIENCE CHEER AND WHOOP

What does that mean?

Chocolate sex?

I hope it's...

Eurgh! Oh!

Oh, that's horrific!

It's like something out of American Pie!

Before a fight, I have a very strict no, er...

Relieve... No, erm...

-There's no... There's no, erm...

-No sex?

-No, you can have...

You can have sex but it's the actual... The conclusion of the sex.

It's the...

So you can have frustrating sex, then?

Yeah, exactly. You can have... It's the...

There's no conclusion to it.

-Very delicately put, David, thank you.

-No big finale, no...

Yes, all right, don't go on. It's all right. We've got it.

There's no chocolate, as well,

so the first thing that needs to happen is that I need to...

-You need to enjoy your Curly Wurly again.

-Yes, exactly.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well done, Chris. Very well done.

That's a point for you and, rather excitingly,

we've reached the part of the show where we find out who's going to

go on to play for the prize so let's take a look at the scores.

Oh, it's a draw. It's a draw.

All right. Now, that means we have a tie-break question, OK?

Here's how it's going to work.

I'm going to ask you both the same question

and I want you to write down your answers. The answer is a number.

Whoever's the closest will go through to the final

and the chance to win a really rather lovely prize, OK?

Best of luck to both of you. Let's see the question.

So, how many people will the average woman kiss

before she meets "The One"? Have you written your answers in?

All right, they're both in. Let's take a look at what you're saying.

Chris has gone for 22.

Sam has gone for 38!

Well, do you know what?

You can tell a lot about a person from their answer.

-38?!

-Kisses!

Yes, actually...

-Actually, you look a bit lame now.

-I do, don't I?

Chris says 22, Sam says 38. The actual answer is...

15?! That's not many, is it?

-No!

-Which means that Chris is the closest.

-It means we have to say goodbye to you, Sam. I'm sorry.

-APPLAUSE

-Well done, Chris.

-Thank you.

But Chris...

LAUGHTER

You said, "Bye!"

You don't have to go straight away!

Goodness me!

"I haven't won - I'm off."

Good Lord, woman!

Where shall we go from?

All right. Sam, I'm sorry. It's been lovely talking to you.

But it is Chris who's going through to the final.

Lovely to meet you. You can go now.

Thank you, Sam. Thank you very much.

Now, Chris, for the final, once again the answer is a number

and I'm going to be asking the panel for their guesses, too. OK?

And because we've got to know you, we have the perfect prize for you.

You love the Galaxian.

So, tonight you'll be playing for an old-school home arcade machine...

-Amazing!

-..that lets you play one of 75 classic titles.

-They're all there...

-Fantastic.

..except, oddly enough, Galaxian.

Really, it's not there. But never mind.

Let's take a look at your question. For the arcade machine...

Now, this is an interesting one.

Celebrities, start jotting your answers down.

If they didn't like their pet...

People are very attached to their pets.

There's that saying - love me, love my dog.

I mean, I call it a saying. It's a website.

Now, who has pets here? Larry, do you have any lambs?

Baa-aaa!

APPLAUSE

You... That... I'm sorry.

A round of applause...

for an old-age pensioner...

making a sheep noise.

Let's take a look at what the percentages are.

Larry Lamb thinks it's...

Is that 90%? That's high.

Deborah Meaden says...

80%.

Julian Clary thinks it's...

80%.

David Haye says...

80%. And Melanie C says...

85%.

So they're all thinking that it's high.

Now, that's what they think.

I'm going to make it really easy for you.

-I going to give you two options.

-OK.

-The right answer and a wrong answer.

Let's take a look at the two options.

20% or...

I wonder which one you're going to go for!

Now, think it through. What are you going to say?

I'm going to go for 80%.

-Yeah, I think you'd be a fool not to.

-I think so.

So, Chris says 80%. The actual answer is...

Yeah! You got it!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done.

You have won the old-school arcade machine.

That's all from us for tonight.

Well done to Chris and a big thank you to Larry Lamb...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-..Deborah Meaden...

-CHEERING

-..Julian Clary...

-CHEERING

-..David Haye...

-CHEERING

-..and Melanie C.

-CHEERING

Thank you for watching. Good night.

-Come and say hi to our panellists.

-Thank you.