Wedding The Kennedys

ALARM CLOCK RINGS

'It was my first proper wedding.

'Tim had stayed at our house, so he didn't see Jenny,

'but he was so drunk, he couldn't have seen anyone.

'According to him, weddings were all about superstition,

'luck and traditions.

'I was supposed to feel pretty lucky about being the bridesmaid,

'but I didn't because I had to wear a stupid dress.

'A proper flowery girlie one.

'But more importantly,

'it was the Jessop Square North versus Jessop Square South

'annual grudge match.

'And somehow, I had to play in it.

'But before anything could happen, Dad had to get Mum up -

'and she hated getting up.'

Not the light! Not the light! Come on, you're not a ruddy vampire.

Argh!

I have a long memory, Tony Kennedy. Taking one for the team, Brenda.

This wedding is ON!

Tim.

Help me! I've gone blind!

Tim! Your eyes are shut. Come on, let's go.

Oh...

You look lovely, Em.

Tim snored all night and made smells that were just wrong, dad.

This is what men do, Emma.

I'm afraid you're just going to have to make yourself immune to it.

Tony, today has to be perfect for Jenny. Perfect!

But I need you to know that I am powerless in making that happen.

Powerless! He's not wrong. It's nerves, Tim.

I've got no powers, Tony! I can't even stand!

Tim, you've got both legs in one pyjama leg.

Now, calm down and start again.

And you've got lots of powers.

Listen, there's only one man that's going to make Jenny happy today

and that's you.

So, come on! Let's get this wedding rolling!

'The wedding train was about to leave the station.

'But I had something more important to do.'

When are you playing? I can't yet. I've got to go and do the wedding.

Can't you miss the wedding?

This is the most important game of our lives. I can do both.

Look, the game doesn't end until the woman from number 37 shouts at us.

We've got ages.

Jessop Square North are toast.

No, it's bad luck to say their name out loud.

Do you want to end up like Abigail? Who is Abigail?

Exactly! Quick, turn around, hop, spit and say "rabbits".

Rabbits! WHISTLE BLOWS

Never pass to Terence. Julie will stop for Black Jacks. Good luck.

KIDS CHEER

Come on, Jessop Square South!

Pass it back, Emma! Yes, Emma!

Emma. Oh! Look at you!

Oh, you actually look like a girl!

Although, let's be clear, a modern girl isn't interested

in perpetuating dressing-up stereotypes.

That said, you do look lovely.

Is Dad not coming? No. He's with Tim.

Trying to stop him exploding with nerves.

# I said, go buddy, go buddy Go buddy, go buddy

# Go, go, go!

# I said, go buddy, go buddy Go buddy, go buddy

# Go, go, go! #

BOTH: # I'm getting married in the morning!

# Ding dong, the bells... #

You OK, Jenny? What's wrong?

It's the dress. My bump's got too big. I can't get into it.

How can I have the perfect wedding without the dress?

Oh, it's fine. It's just a bit stiff.

Wedding dresses are like getting sofas into rooms.

It's all about the angle. We can fix this.

Come on.

Arms up.

Suck in.

It's not going to go, Brenda! Emma, come here!

Grab that corner and pull as hard as you can!

Are you sure that's a good idea? It's the only way, Brenda!

On my count.

One, two, three, pull!

LOUD RIP Oh!

Rabbits!

What have you done?

You've destroyed my wedding dress.

But you told me to... I didn't mean it!

OK. OK.

Just shut your eyes for a minute, Jenny, in case you go into shock.

You shut them, lie down.

And sleep.

Oh, God.

What are we going to do?

Are you, by some impossible miracle, a trained wedding dress maker?

I made a hand puppet once.

From a sock.

A sock's not going to be big enough.

Wait.

We've got curtains.

We can go a bit raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens -

who doesn't love the Sound of Music? Nobody. Exactly.

Make it a themed wedding. You can go as a box tied up with string.

Or a goat! A goat. Brenda!

I am getting married in two hours!

And my dress is in pieces!

I will not scale Mount Wedding in lederhosen made of curtains!

Let's focus on the positives.

Think of it as an opportunity, a modern adventure...

I don't want a modern adventure!

I want to get married in a lovely wedding dress like a normal person!

This is an opportunity for nothing other than a nervous breakdown!

We must stay calm and focus. Focus, everyone.

Focus!

You could go dressed like that.

I'm not going in my underwear, Brenda!

Shower curtain.

That's it. I'm killing myself. Goodbye, everyone.

No, no, no.

No, you're not high enough. You'll sprain your ankle at best.

There must be something. We must know someone. Think!

Think a bit more! Quickly!

Brenda, I already can't get married in a church...

So everything else has to be perfect.

Where's the old, the new, the borrowed and the blue?

You're in charge of that. You have got them, haven't you?

Because that was your one job -

the old, the new, the borrowed and the blue.

I didn't think you wanted all that traditional nonsense.

I did.

I did want all that traditional nonsense

and all the luck that came with them.

I want all of it. Er, well...

Who says it has to be blue?

I've got a...a red rubber in my bag. You can have that.

It covers old, as well, and borrowed, if I want it back.

I don't want your stupid rubber!

I want a dress and I want the old and I want the new

and I want the borrowed and I want the blue!

And I want all the traditions and all of the superstitions!

I'm going to have the nearest thing to a perfect wedding

if it kills me, Brenda!

Or you!

Should I just go and get Dad? Brilliant, Emma! Brilliant!

This is why you'll definitely get in to university! Run! Run, Lassie!

And whatever you do, make sure he's as panicked as I am!

'I was off. Dad was now our only hope.

'But I still needed to keep my eye on the prize.'

Pass it, Jane! Pass it! Pass it!

No, no, no. Not to me!

Have I got mud on my back?

A bit.

Jane, watch out!

HE EXHALES LOUDLY

Relax. Just relax.

Relax.

Relax, mate. That's it. Relax.

Dad! Dad! Jenny's dress has gone all wrong.

What do you mean "Jenny's dress has gone all wrong"?

That's bad luck, isn't it, Tony? That's bad luck! No.

That's not what she meant. Ha! Just, you... Wait there.

Ho-ho!

(What do you mean Jenny's dress has gone all wrong?)

Well, it was in one bit... Right. ..and now it's in two bits.

Oh! And Mum told me to come here and ask you what to do.

Mrs Palmer. She makes costumes for the Ancroft Players.

She might be able to help. Yeah, run and ask her, yeah.

Mrs Palmer. Yeah. Gotcha. OK. Emma! Emma!

What's happened to your dress? You're covered in mud.

Has your mother seen it? It's only mud.

It's only mud?! It's only mud?!

Right! Right, trust me on this. Keep your back to everyone at all times.

Everything's going really well!

Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!

Yes!

Come on, Jessop Square South! We can do this!

Oh, no! Not again!

Ah!

Emma! Emma!

KNOCKS ON DOOR

God! Have you brought a wedding dress? Where's Emma?

She's... I've sent her to Dee's. Brilliant idea!

What's happened to Jenny's dress? Where is it?

It's there, Tony.

You set fire to Jenny's wedding dress?

No, of course I didn't.

She did.

Don't ask. It all went a bit ugly.

Tony! It's all gone ruined!

Don't worry, Jenny. Everything's going to be fine.

But I haven't got the old, the new, the borrowed or the blue.

Is that bad luck, Tony?

Can everyone stop saying everything's bad luck?

It's all just superstitious nonsense.

Bad luck is bad luck, Brenda.

I'm not prepared to take the chance, so do something!

Jenny, I am not Glenda the Good Witch of the North.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do about the bad luck.

Can't Tony just fix it?

Yes!

Tony will fix it. Off you go. Borrowed. Find it. Find it now.

Hang on... Now, Tony! Borrowed!

And make sure it's the luckiest borrowed you can get your hands on.

Go, go! Off, off! Aw!

I've got them, mum! I've got them! Oh!

Oh, thank goodness! You've found a massive wedding dress. Not quite.

It's from the play we're doing with the Ancroft Players.

They won't mind you borrowing it.

Borrowed! Emma, get back after your father.

Tell him borrowed is done, now he has to get blue. Off! Off!

And tell him to make sure it's extra lucky. Oh, Jenny! The day is saved!

You've got a big white thing from a play.

But what play? Moby-Dick.

It's the best I can do. It's this or a galleon with four cannons.

Nice...

You want me to get married, dressed as a whale? It's white, Jenny.

That's a start... It's a whale, Brenda! A whale!

A whale with googly eyes!

They're good, aren't they? I got them from an old pantomime horse...

Hang on. Isn't Moby-Dick supposed to be really unlucky? No.

Yes, a real portent of evil.

Shush, David! A whole bag of shush! Yes.

No! No! No! No, Brenda! Jenny... Jenny... No!

Don't be hasty.

It's white, which is traditional.

It'll fit you, which really helps us at the moment.

And Dee will somehow make it look like a dress, won't you, Dee?

I can do my best.

Make some adjustments.

The tail can make a train.

I can tuck it here, cut it there.

I can hide the eyes.

Nobody will know, Jenny. It's got fins.

You could say they're just fashion. Exactly, Jenny!

Who understands fashion? David, do you understand fashion?

No, I do not.

You have got just under two hours

to make this

the best whale-based wedding dress anyone has ever seen.

Do you understand?

Yes.

What's happening? How's Jenny? She's fine.

There's a slight problem with the dress

and I've got to find something borrowed, but it's fine.

It's all my fault.

I should have slaughtered something to appease the wedding gods!

There's no such thing as the wedding gods! Pull yourself together, Tim!

We've got to borrow something. Now, think!

I can't think. I've got marriage fright. I'm rigid with it.

You don't need to do borrowed. Mum says get blue and make it lucky.

I've got a Penthouse under the bed.

Sometimes, when I show it to Jenny, I get lucky.

Not that sort of blue, Tim.

'Go, go, go! Yes!'

Come on.

Terence!

Come here.

Come here!

Right, give us your sock.

What?! Just give us your sock!

What's the score? 12-0 to them.

We really need you.

So the woman from number 37 hasn't shouted yet? No.

She's gone to Welwyn Garden City for a pound of kidneys.

We've still got ages. Good.

Keep it tight in the back four. I don't know what that means.

No-one does.

Here you go. Thanks. There you go.

One blue sock. But is it lucky, Tony? It needs to be lucky.

Of course it's lucky. Look at him go!

Oh...

It's going to have to do... We need old, Tony.

Grr!

What about them? Don't be ridiculous. Come on.

Come on, Emma.

A wet sock.

It smells of...mice?

We'll stick on the radiator, let it dry,

and then tie it round your leg like a garter.

It is blue, Jenny. Focus on the positive.

Are you all right, Jenny? No. No, I'm not.

Won't somebody, somewhere, help us?

Look at the time. We've got to start getting everyone in the car.

But, Tony, you haven't got the old and new yet.

Jenny's not going anywhere till you've got those.

And I've only just started. You two split up.

Tony, get old, Emma, get new. Out you go.

Can't you do it? I'm a little busy with Tim. I can't abandon my post!

You're going to have to do it. Jenny needs a horseshoe, or something.

On the ladder of luck, they're right up there.

Ladder of luck! Everyone's gone ruddy mad!

I know, but what can we do?

If we want them to get married,

you're going to have to get her a horseshoe.

Brenda, we are running out of time. What do you want me to do?

Take one from the herd of wild ponies that live on Jessop Square?

Oh, no, I can't! Because there aren't any!

Well, you've got tools in your garage, haven't you? Yes.

I've got tools in my garage. So make one!

And hurry up. Right, Tim. You're coming with me.

Good, let's get going. This way. This way.

Go and find a four-leaf clover. That's impossible.

Impossible, Emma, no. sticky tape in the kitchen cupboard.

You know what to do.

Right, horseshoe done. That's it.

Emma's doing the new, so that's the superstitions taken care of.

Right. Now, we can get you married.

You get in the front seat, the girls will be here in a minute.

Come on, Brenda. Don't let me down.

I can't travel with Jenny, Tony. I can't see her before the wedding.

That's bad luck.

You're going to have to drive me to the registry office and come back.

We haven't got time. We've got to get you there, get you married,

and leave, within the next 20 minutes.

It's a five minute drive, man!

Come on, or we'll be cursed for all eternity!

Jambalaya!

Come on, Jessop Square North!

You're getting married in a sheet?

It's bad luck to reveal the dress before you get there, Emma.

She's just making stuff up now.

Oh, what's that you've found, Emma? It's a four-leaf clover.

Amazing! Amazing find, Emma!

What luck, Jenny!

Is that a fake?

No.

A fake?! A fake?

Just stick it underneath your thigh sock and never mention it again.

Emma Kennedy!

Look at your dress!

Brenda, she is covered in mud!

I have got a regular clover with one leaf stuck on it.

My garter is made from a slightly damp sock.

And my bridesmaid is filthy!

My wedding is a disaster.

You want more luck, Jenny? I'll get you more luck.

There you go.

Now, she's a chimney sweep, which, Jenny, is the best luck ever.

Jenny, you are beautiful!

You've got life in your belly and love in your heart!

If that's not all the luck you need, then I don't know what.

You could walk up that aisle dressed as a camel on a Wednesday

and we'd still all think you were the most beautiful,

muckiest bride we'd ever seen.

Who needs the same old things everyone else has?

Make your own traditions. Your own luck.

Is anyone else getting married today

with a boy's clammy football sock tied to their thigh?

And what does that make you? Slightly damp?

Uniquely lucky.

That's what.

So stand tall. Oh, yes! Stand tall. I forgot to tell you that.

That bit's important. Don't bend down. Here's Tony.

This is it, Jenny.

We're off to the registry office.

Have you got everything? Rings? Speech? Sick bags for the car?

The erm... Oh, the ring.

Everybody, get in. I won't be a minute.

# Love train

# People all over the world

# Join in

# Join the love train... #

Everybody, come close.

Oh! OK, come on.

# Don't you know that it's time to get on board... #

Woo! Woo!

Calm down! We've got ten minutes to get them married.

I am telling you, Jenny, we have pulled this off.

You've done wonders, Dee. Wonders!

This is it! You're getting married!

You've done a great job, Dee.

I am Ishmael! Hope nobody's brought a harpoon!

HE CHUCKLES

You know what you are? Cutting edge fashion!

It'll be the talk of the town, Jenny.

Oh, I expect we'll be talking about this for years to come, Brenda.

Years. Come on, there's another wedding after this.

OK, David and Dee, get in there and sing your hearts out.

Emma, pick up her tail.

I mean train.

Tony, take her up that aisle and let's get married!

Ah!

'Despite forgetting to do the only job she'd been given,

'mum had gotten away with it. She was utterly triumphant.'

She's coming. We've done it.

We know weddings! We know them!

You look beautiful, Jenny. Tim's a lucky man.

Ready?

Ready.

SHAKES TAMBOURINE

# Congratulations

# And celebrations

# When I tell everyone that you're in love with me

# Congratulations

# And jubilations

# I want the world to know how happy I can be. #

She's all yours, mate. Thanks.

Hi, Jenny. Thanks for coming.

You look lovely.

Is she dressed as a whale?

Yes, I think she is. Yes.

Thank you. Thank you.

Looking at the bride and groom today, I am reminded that embarking

on marriage is like embarking on a long voyage across uncharted seas...

No, no...

Or to use another analogy, marriage is a circle of love.

Today, you will exchange vows,

which will unite you as man and whale.

I mean wife.

And now, the best man will read a poem of the couple's choosing.

Mary had a little lamb,

Whose fleece was white as snow,

And everywhere that Mary went...

(I don't know anyone called Mary.)

The lamb was sure to go.

Thanks, mate. That was really moving.

I lost the reading. What? I lost... Ahem.

So, a man hears a knock at his back door, he opens it,

he looks down, there's a snail there.

Bends down, he picks up the snail and he chucks it as far as he can.

Four years later, there's another knock on the door,

he opens it, and the snail's there.

The snail looks up and he says, "What did you do that for?"

EMMA CHUCKLES I get that.

Sorry. No, it's all right, mate. I lost the reading.

I'll take it from here.

(I lost the speech.)

I had a speech written out,

but I had an emergency last night in the loos at Curry Paradise.

Leave it, burn it, that's gone now.

Who needs speeches? I am just a man,

standing with his woman.

Me, Tarzan. She, Jane.

Aaaaarrrrrghhhhhhhhhh!

Heh...

Jenny...

Beautiful, sweet Jenny.

You smell really nice.

You have other attributes as well, but that's your best one. Oh.

You're going to be a brilliant mum

and I'm really, really, really looking forward

to having sex with you again.

Ahem.

I am a lucky, lucky man to have you.

And even better, we're having a baby,

which you will look after.

I have Tony...

and Brenda.

The best friends anyone could ask for.

And Dee and David, who...I also know.

And Emma.

Who...is...

a girl.

I am!

Life's pretty all right.

Now, let's get married!

THEY CHEER AND APPLAUD

It gives me great pleasure to tell you

that you are now husband and wife.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

# You'll always be the love of my life... #

Don't bend down! EXPLOSION AND SCREAMS

Blowhole!

I couldn't take it out!

# Oh, love of my life... #

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

'I'd learned that luck was something you made happen yourself

'and I still had my own promise to keep.

Right, let's get this done!

# Don't stop me, don't stop me

# Don't stop me, hey, hey, hey

# Don't stop me, don't stop me... #

Thank crikey you're here! It's all square, 31-all.

# Don't stop me, don't stop me

# Oh, burning through... #

Goal! Goal!

Oi! You lot! Pack it in!

We won! We won!

CHEERING

I knew you were lucky!

I knew it!

THEY CHEER

We did it, Jessop Square South! We did it! Yes!

# She ain't got no money her clothes are kinda funny

# Her hair is kinda wild and free

# Oh, but love grows where my Rosemary goes

# And nobody knows like me

# She talks kinda lazy and people say she's crazy

# And her life's a mystery

# Oh, but love grows where my Rosemary goes... #