Camping The Kennedys

The day had finally come.

We were going on our first family holiday.

Mum wanted to go to the South of France.

But Dad, for the first time in his life, had got his own way.

So, instead, we were going camping in Wales.

I had to pack -

teddy, one mug - slightly mouldy -

lightsaber and my Slinky.

Job done. And we weren't alone.

Tim had persuaded Jenny that it would be fun to come with us

instead of going on honeymoon on their own.

But more importantly, someone else was coming.

My grandmother.

What could possibly go wrong?

# And you can run in the sun

# Having fun with the one

# That you really love. #

That's a great pack, Tony. It's a great pack.

Well, I've left a gap for your stuff there,

in the area marked K7. All right.

It's all in the planning, see?

At the bottom, you want the stuff that will not yield. Right.

Camping stove, tent frame.

Then you want your suitcases, then your canvas.

And then your bedding.

And that, Emma, is the geology of the holiday pack.

This is a family heirloom and, one day, it will be yours.

Nobody has suitcases in Star Wars.

I'm just saying, because when I live in the future,

I probably won't have to do all this.

SHE SIGHS There you go. That's the last one.

Another one?

Brenda, It would have been quicker for me to strap the whole ruddy

wardrobe to the roof!

Tony, I may have to look fabulous at a moment's notice.

Who knows? We may be invited to an al fresco mingle.

Will Grandma come to the al fresco mingle?

Not if I can help it.

I've brought Top Trumps.

Top Trumps! I love those. Which one is it? Supercars.

I just think it's good to know what you're missing.

Hey! It's Bessie.

Last Chance Saloon, Tim.

Still time for you to whisk Jenny away to Magaluf.

A man spending a week on his own

with a pregnant woman he can't have sex with?

Tony, I'm not sure that's even legal. Here she comes!

Bride off on her honeymoon!

Well! A person only goes on their honeymoon once!

Unless you're Elizabeth Taylor.

Or Henry VIII.

Look at that, Brenda. One suitcase.

One. Thank goodness for you, Jenny.

Any more weight and the suspension would have been done for.

You're not worried you packed a bit lightly, Jenny?

I'll be completely honest,

I've no idea what camping is or what it involves.

Right, that's the pack finished. Let's go!

'70S GROOVY FUNK

MOTOR STALLS

I thought you said you'd taken it to the garage?

It must be the starter motor. Hang on.

I'll give it a thump.

We could always go in our car!

Whoa, whoa. No can do.

It's my honeymoon too, remember?

It's kickback time. I'm off the clock.

Tony's not our chauffeur. It is their holiday as well.

Hey, Emma. Mm-hm. In Holiday Top Trumps, what comes out on top,

family holiday or honeymoon?

Honeymoon. Basic.

And that's the end of that debate. I accept your apology, Jenny.

(He's actually infuriating.)

I know.

Hey, we should have a competition.

Whoever has the best holiday wins Holiday Top Trumps.

Game on!

Right, that should've fixed it.

MOTOR STARTS ALL: Yay!

Holiday song. You choose, Emma.

Oh, erm...

# I am the passenger

ALL: # And I ride and I ride.

# La-la, la-la La-la-la-la... #

# La-la la-la La-la-la-la... #

I spy with my little eye something beginning with T.

Tits. Every time!

We've got to be almost there, Tony.

I've lost all feeling in my lower limbs.

WITH RADIO: # Last night I heard my mother singing a song

ALL: # Ooooh, eh

# Chirpy-chirpy, cheep-cheep... #

I think I've started the menopause since we left.

# Ooooh, eh Chirpy-chirpy, cheep-cheep

# Chirpy-chirpy, cheep-cheep! #

# And Wendy's stealing clothes from Marks Sparks

# And Freddy's got spots from ripping off the stars... #

So...

You have to guess

in what order I'm saying mints savoury or mince sweet.

Round one. Mince or mints?

That was sweet and savoury.

No, it was not.

Round two... Mints or mince?

Savoury then sweet? No, wrong again! Wait, wait, I'm getting

the hang of it. Do it again.

Mince or mints? BOTH: Sweet then savoury.

Wrong again.

# All the young dudes... # I want to hear you!

# Carry the news. #

Right. We're here. Brenda, jump out and get Mam.

I can't risk stopping.

What do you mean you can't risk stopping?

Listen to her, Brenda, something's not right.

If I stop, she may not start again. You'll have to jump out.

I can't jump out of a moving vehicle!

Who do you think I am, the Milk Tray Man?

Can't Tim do it?

Tony's mother's never met me. Never go anywhere with strangers.

Isn't that right, Emma?

He's right, Mum.

Jumping out of a moving vehicle, though!

That counts towards Holiday Top Trumps.

Double points if there's blood.

And all because the lady loves...

Oh, for goodness' sake!

Slow down!

Put both your feet out first before you jump! Dangle, Brenda!

Dangle! Uuuuh...

SHE YELLS

We shall talk about this later, Tony.

You're in so much trouble. Yeah, I know.

# Guess who just got back today... #

Right. There they are. Action stations, everyone.

I'll open the door.

Double quick! Come on, Brenda! Chop chop! Chop chop!

Take this!

Crikey! Careful!

Now get Mrs K in.

Mam, this is Tim. Tim, Mam.

This is Jenny. Hello. Hello. Hello, Mam!

Hello, love.

Diawl, you've got this car packed tighter than a fridge at Christmas.

I had a cake made. There's tea in the pot.

What is this, a tank?

It's a Land Rover, Mam.

Who buys a car that can't stop?

It's a temporary problem. OK? So come on, get in.

Leg up, leg up, come on! Leg up, Mrs K. Leg up!

JENNY: Up! Lift your leg up!

EMMA: Up, Mam. Oh, I'm trying!

Oh, diawl! Oh, come on. Diawl!

MAM YELLS

Just drive.

OK, here we go!

# Summer night city... #

We're playing Holiday Top Trumps, Mrs K.

Everyone's going to see who has the best holiday, Grandma.

I want peace and quiet.

That's my best holiday.

Where are we going again now, Anthony?

Solva. We're going camping, Mam, remember? You know, in a tent.

Under canvas.

Oh, like dead bodies washed up after a shipwreck.

Hope not. It's my honeymoon. And mine.

Oh? Is that right?

Brenda wouldn't let my Anthony go on a honeymoon.

Feminist!

So you're not a feminist then, Jenny?

Well, I am a traditional, I suppose, but Brenda says...

Never mind what Brenda says. EVER.

It's SO good to have you here...

You're a good girl.

You enjoy your honeymoon like a proper woman.

# Well, she's all you'd ever want

# She's the kind I'd like to flaunt

# And take to dinner. #

Six hours later and we were still not there.

It was as if Wales was a land beyond the moon

and we were going to spend the rest of our lives in the car

trying to get there.

It was like when Frodo went to Mordor.

Closed? That's odd.

This is how horror films start.

They don't set horror films in Wales.

We're not scared of murderous psychopaths.

Most of you are related to one.

It's probably not proper closed.

Just, you know, the owner's off for lunch or something.

Jenny's quite right. Clever girl.

Anyway, can we get out now? I really need to go.

I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on.

Right, just looking for a good spot.

Never mind good spots, park up, Anthony.

Cos if this dam bursts, we'll be up to our knees in it.

Right you are.

# And the lady is mine! #

Here we go. We are officially...on holiday.

ALL: Hooray!

First family holiday ever! Hooray!

I'm on honeymoon! Yay!

PANICKY: Now how do I get this door open?

Honeymoon. Woo!

Right, out you hop, Em.

Stretch your legs. We'll get the tents out.

Haven't moved my legs in seven hours.

How many tents have you brought? Two, three? One.

Going to be a tight fit with all of us in there, isn't it?

All of us?

Did you not pack a tent, Tim? For you and Jenny?

On your honeymoon?

I'm trying to work out how I'm going to get myself out of this.

No. I can't do it. Tony, it's my honeymoon,

please can I blame you? Please?!

Yes. All right, you can blame me, but tomorrow you and I...

Tony's only gone and forgotten a ruddy tent for me

and Jenny, can you believe it? Oh, Tony! What an idiot.

Right then, let's get this tent set up.

Oh, slipped! I just slipped, you know...

We're actually going to sleep in that? Yes, Jenny.

This is what camping is -

living in a field as nature intended.

But it will be fun, right?

Because it is my honeymoon!

Yes! Yes. Great fun!

We couldn't have asked for a lovelier view.

Dead sheep.

Terrible omen, that is.

I once knew a woman who swore blind that every time

she saw a dead sheep, someone died.

Oh. I do hope that's not true. That would be awful.

Well.

The fresh air is lovely, I will say that.

Ah, feel better do you, Jenny? Oh! Yes, thank you.

Quite the relief, I can tell you.

Oh, I always think it's better doing it outside.

Did I tell you, Brenda,

that Megan Jones has got an inside toilet? Oh?

Terrible trouble she had putting it in. The fella fixing it was deaf

and couldn't hear a word she said.

When she was desperate to go, shoved him out of the way,

sat down and had a poo the size of a child's forearm.

Then she flushed the toilet. But the pipe wasn't connected!

Out shot the poo like a weasel,

fell through a hole in the floorboards, and landed

on the kitchen floor below where the man was having a cup of tea.

It's nice to be outside.

I haven't had a holiday since 1947.

Well, you know, what with me being recent bereavement...

I'm so sorry. When did your husband die, Mrs K?

15 years ago.

Time works differently in Wales, Jenny.

THUNDER BOOMS Right, come on everyone! Inside!

Oh, heavens!

THUNDER AND HEAVY RAIN

Well, hopefully, it won't last long.

Summer shower and all that.

Oh, that's set in, that is. Be like this for days.

It's the relentless optimism I love. Ta-dah!

There you go. What more could we possibly need?

What's that for?

Toilet.

Brilliant! Did you hear that, Jenny? Tony's pretending that's the toilet.

Imagine! Us, squatting over a bucket every time we...

THEY LAUGH

That's not the actual toilet. That's the bathroom through there, isn't it?

No. That's the inner tent, that's where we sleep.

Is that the actual toilet, Tony?

Yes.

Jiw, jiw!

It's my honeymoon...

And mine!

Let's not panic.

Is there a windbreak to put round it, Tony? At the very least.

No, it's all right, I'll just put it in the inner tent.

SHE SIGHS IN DISGUST It's very private.

See? All in it together.

Come on! Let's get the fun started.

Have you got any soft drinks? I'm seven months pregnant...

Well, Tim said... For pity's sake, man!

Nothing for the little lady?

It's like you've thought of nobody but yourself. Jenny, come on.

Sit down. Mrs K, please, put your feet up. Oh. Thanks, Tim.

Appreciate it, Tim.

Thank you, Tim, it's very thoughtful of you.

Well, you know, it's the least I can do.

Maybe, er... Maybe I'll have one.

# I can't stand the rain

# Against my window

# Bringing back sweet memories

# Hey, window pane... #

Well, this isn't so bad, is it?

Once the weather's passed, we'll have a great time.

How cold do you have to be to get...hypothermia?

Just asking...

Here you go, Jenny, you can have my cagoule.

PEEING

TOOTING

PEEING

ZIPPER ZIPS

Oh! I haven't been that excited since I met Max Boyce.

I need to go as well.

Every time I have a wee, I think about your cousin Edwin.

Used to work in the doctor's surgery,

and the doctor gave him a urine sample

and told him to test it for diabetes.

Well, he drank it. Thought he'd said, "Taste it"!

Are all your stories like that, Mrs K? 'Yes, they are!'

They're sort of...biblical.

I couldn't go. I got, uh, performance anxiety. You go, Tony.

I'll try and muster something later when I'm feeling more relaxed.

You've got diabetes haven't you, Grandma? I have.

If my pee smells of Rice Krispies, I'll not apologise.

I'd quite like it if my pee smelled like a breakfast cereal.

Weetabix.

Get it?

Wee-tabix.

Oh, come on! That's a great joke, Tim!

Stupid man joke.

Man jokes are the backbone of modern society, Jenny.

Political and economical systems would crumble without them.

ZIPPER ZIPS Right, that's me done. Your go, Em.

But...but... No looking, remember! We're not going to look.

# I can't stand the rain

# Against my window... #

I'd never peed in a bucket before.

But it was sort of the same shape as a toilet.

So I could just sit on it. Right?

Oh, no!

Everything OK in there, Emma? No! I want Mum!

Coming!

I'm stuck!

Noo, no, no, noooo!

Oh, Em, no!

THEY YELL

Don't panic! Urine is an antiseptic.

Actually, I think that's just your own.

I'm covered! This is the absolute bottom of Holiday Top Trumps!

Don't touch me! Somebody needs to think what to do.

Well, we need to clean her down. She could go out in the rain.

Brilliant idea. Yes, you need to take these wet things off

and run around and scrub yourself as much you can.

THEY YELL

EMMA WHIMPERS

It's still warm! Oooh!

Oh, good girl, Em, focus on the positives.

YELLS: It's not positive, Dad!

Run!

That's it, run! Run!

Pretend it's sports day! Only you're covered in wee!

That's it, scrub yourself off! Good girl!

That's it!

Right, keep going, keep going!

There's pee over there. And over there.

Oh, it's very, very bad.

That's it! Right, come on! That's it! There you go! Well done!

Scrub. Scrub, scrub, scrub! That's it, keep scrubbing!

Well done, good girl. Well done, Em, well done. Well done.

It's FREEZING!

Get nice and warm!

Well, it could have been worse. I could have had a shit.

"Let's go on holiday," you said. "Yes," I said.

"What sort of holiday would you like?" you said.

"Oh, you know...one where I can sit in the freezing cold eating

"pickled eggs," I said. Well, if I could get the stove

working, I'd make us all a cup of tea, wouldn't I?

You can't light a stove in this!

This rain would extinguish the fires of hell!

The wind's picking up.

Are you sure we're safe?

You don't think we're the only ones here

because everyone else knows something we don't, do you?

FOREBODING MUSIC

Look, we're all going to be fine. It'll pass over in an hour.

This hasn't got the feel of a storm.

There's something malevolent about it. Foul.

It'll be fine, it's just a passing bluster.

No, Brenda. Mrs K is right.

I feel it, too.

I don't feel safe, Tim. Do something!

Salagadoola, mechicka boola,

bibbidi, bobbidi, boo!

STORM RAGES

Doesn't seem to have worked.

Ah!

THEY YELL

Tim, grab that pole over there!

This tent's a death trap, Tony.

What about those caravans over there?

Can't you break into one, Dad?

Break into a caravan? I can't do that, Emma!

You can if it's for life and limb, Tony!

THEY YELL Hold on, Tim!

The window's open on that one.

I could try and shove Emma through it, I suppose.

Like in Oliver? Yeah. Yes.

We wouldn't be breaking in and stealing shiny trinkets,

we'd just be borrowing. That'd be all right, wouldn't it?

Yes. Yes, it would.

Or is it burglary?

Oh, blow that! I'm eating pickled eggs in a pool of piss.

Now let's get the hell out of here!

Right, come on!

Be safe! Go! I love you!

BRENDA YELLS Right, here we are!

That's it. In you go!

Come on! Ha!

Done it! We're in! Yes! Yes! Right, come on!

OK, go! Go, go!

Go, just get out of here! I can't hold it much longer!

# I don't want a holiday in the sun

# I want to go to new Belsen

# I want to see some history... #

Tony! Help us!

Jenny, look, I've got the beers.

Forget the beers!

Tony! Oh, Brenda!

Save me!

Hold on!

Argh!

Tony!

SHE YELLS

Tony, help me!

Oh!

Thank goodness you saved the beers, Tim.

Anyone would think they're the most important part of your honeymoon!

They are, Jenny.

It's very important to stay hydrated in survival situations.

I could kill you now. That would save that, wouldn't it?

Come on, Brenda! SHE WHIMPERS

Stand yourself up!

Come on!

Where's Tony? ANNOYED: Brenda?

I'm not sure Brenda's going to make it.

Hope springs eternal...

EMMA: Mum!

Or not.

Brenda! Looks like you've dragged out from the bottom of a lake.

Mum, Mum...

Well. This is better, isn't it?

THEY SCREAM

It's your father, Tony! He wants to finish me off!

The latch is broken. We have to bung it up with something.

What about this? Yes, good job, Tim. Yes!

I'd like to know what's happening!

Tim, get it back up there!

It's rearing up!

THEY SCREAM

Abandon ship! Everybody, out!

Come on, jump!

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Everybody out!

Jenny! Jenny!

I love you too, Tim!

No. Grab the beers! I forgot them!

No!

TIM CRIES OUT

Tim! Help me!

Jump for your life, Mam! Come on, jump!

Jump, Mam!

Come on, Mrs K!

MAM WAILS

That's the last thing I jump out of today.

# Everywhere I go... #

With the caravan and the tent both dead,

we were back in Bessie, who was also dead.

This meant we'd been trapped inside her for 18 hours.

Hello!

Mr Kennedy?

I hear you've had a bit of bother.

Thank God you're here. We're saved, everyone.

We're saved!

I think it's the starter motor.

I don't suppose you've got any oxygen on your truck, have you?

Er, no, why?

My mother-in-law has eaten several large jars of pickled eggs

in a little under 12 hours.

I think it's burnt away a lung.

Have we got anything to make a cup of tea?

We've got some pickled egg water or...

The bucket.

MAM TOOTS

Wow. Sounds like a seal choking.

What was that?

Right. So... Oh! Blimey...

The AA man's going to tow us to a garage.

He says there's a cafe nearby. We can get changed there.

Oh, good!

What, so...so that's the end of the holiday?

And my honeymoon.

And mine!

And nobody's won Top Trumps?

Well, I just assumed, you know, that...

Well, I could put the tent up again if you like.

ALL: No. No...

That's the shittest day out I've ever had.

I'm sorry, Mam. It'll be better next time.

Next time, I'll bring my own cyanide capsules.

Anthony, I am never coming away on holiday with you again.

Never.

So there it was, our first family holiday.

We'd almost been killed and we had to go home the next day.

But like Mum said,

it was always important to look on the bright side.

At least no holiday could ever be as bad again.

Come on, defeat is not an option.

We've got a family holiday to go on

and you two must have a honeymoon.

We're done for, Brenda. We nearly died!

I'm not going anywhere that involves a bucket.

Don't worry. That's the last time Tony gets to make a decision.

I'm back in charge. THEY GROAN

And I have had a BRILLIANT idea!

We're doomed.

# She ain't got no money

# Her clothes are kinda funny

# Her hair is kinda wild and free

# Oh, love grows Where my Rosemary goes

# And nobody knows like me

# She talks kinda lazy And people say she's crazy

# And her life's a mystery

# Oh, but love grows Where my Rosemary goes... #

It's been tough...

Come on! Stop causing friction. We're trying to move on.

I'm confused. Can you imagine what a three-year-old will make of this?

We're going to be explosive.

..and it's about to get a lot tougher.

I want you to set up and run your own handyman business. Hard work.