Return to Royston Vasey The League of Gentlemen

This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.

Dearest Benjamin,

I'm so pleased you're able to attend your Uncle Harvey's funeral.

It means the world to the girls and myself to have you there.

Of course, with it being the first Monday in the month,

I will be honouring Nude Day as usual,

which is what I believe your Uncle Harvey would have wished.

It's fine, Auntie Val, honestly.

-ANNOUNCER:

-We are now approaching Royston Vasey,

where this train terminates.

This is the end of the line.

Let me get your bag.

GROANING

-Y'all right, love?

-I'm looking for the mayor's office.

Oh, it's just down there on your left.

You can't miss it, it's the only one not boarded up.

Thank you.

Hey!

Hey,

it didn't used to be like this, you know - Vasey.

-Really?

-No!

Used to be a right shit-hole.

Derek!

-Your first patient's here.

-Thank you!

Cheers!

Taking their two front teeth out, aren't we?

Just a check-up.

DOG BARKS

So, is it good to be back, Benjamin,

after all this time?

It is, though under sad circumstances, obviously.

Do you two know each other?

Yes - Barbara was the first person I met in Royston Vasey.

She was very friendly, as I remember it.

Hey, hey, hey, hey! We'll have none of that in here!

No hate speech.

Hate speech? I...

Gender neutral pronouns only.

People used to make fun of the likes of us.

Well, that's all gone now - the world's moved on.

We are no longer a source of cheap humour and laughs.

No.

And this cab is a safe, friendly, mutually respectful,

and above all, tolerant space!

Of course, Barbara. What pronoun do you use?

Well, if you don't know, you can piss off out of it -

I'm not fucking telling you!

DOG BARKS

CAMERA WARMS UP

ELECTRICAL BUZZ

SHE SCREAMS

Hello.

Hello, there.

And who do we have here, then?

This is Mittens, Mr Chinnery.

Daisy's been fascinated by hedgehogs for ages.

I see.

So we put out some cat food and some milk in a little saucer,

and after a few weeks...

along came Mittens.

What seems to be the problem?

Oh! Good heavens!

Well...you'll have to excuse me if I look a little excited -

this is quite an unusual disorder.

Will he die?

No, no, no, no, no.

It's not as dramatic as it looks.

It's a mild condition that occasionally affects

members of the Erinaceidae family - the spiny mammals.

-Oh, really?

-Yes.

Pockets of air can build up between the musculature and the epidermis.

Then an underlying infection causes a build-up of gas

beneath the hedgehog's skin.

Sounds nasty.

Oh, it's nothing to worry about.

Insertion of a small cannula will gently release the built-up air.

Mittens will be back to normal size in no time.

Don't you worry, Daisy.

Perhaps you could sing him a little song to distract him.

Put him at his ease, hmm?

-ALL:

-# Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star

# How I wonder what you are... #

EXPLOSION

MOTHER SCREAMS

I can't see!

SHE WHIMPERS

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Have you thought about getting a puppy?

What do you mean, squatters? Them flats is coming down Wednesday.

All right. I'll swing by later.

Where do you want us to move it to, boss?

Oh, just bin it.

In a couple of months' time, Royston Vasey ain't even going to exist.

Didn't there used to be a shop up here?

No idea.

SOFT CREAK

They're doing what?

Apparently, the county are moving the boundary line

to exclude Royston Vasey.

It'll bring down crime statistics, unemployment figures,

missing persons...

Yours are the highest on record.

Well, at least we're good at something, eh, Murray?

So what'll happen to us?

From what we've heard at the Chronicle,

you're going to be incorporated into one of the bigger towns.

Like Spent or Blackbottoms.

-Do you have a comment on that?

-DICTAPHONE BLEEPS

Have you ever read the Bible, pet?

No. No, I haven't.

No, me neither.

But apparently, there was a place called Sodom,

which was full of incest, buggery and murder.

Eventually it was destroyed.

Shat on by God from a great height.

-Welcome to Royston Vasey.

-What do you mean?

If they want to force us into Blackbottoms, then so be it.

It's no skin off my fanny.

But Bernice, they've got their own mayor.

We'd lose our jobs, our hospitality budget,

your free parking spot outside of Oddbins.

Fuck that.

Get some placards and paint and phone rent-a-mob.

We're not going down without a fight.

So, are you going anywhere nice on your holidays, Benjamin?

I've just booked for the Isle of Man, actually.

Er...Isle of what?

Er...Isle of Wight.

-Racist.

-Erm...just here, thank you, Barbara.

There you go.

Thank you, Barbara. See you.

Thank you.

Barbara's gone a bit militant, hasn't she?

Yes, he has.

Your Uncle Harvey would have approved.

He always liked to see things correctly labelled, as you know.

A place for everything, and... everything in its place.

Yes.

I remember.

Is the key under the mat?

Sort of.

Oh...

Make yourself at home.

CROAKING

Auntie Val...are you all right?

Yes, quite all right.

Everything's perfectly in order.

Do you want me to take my shoes off?

If you like.

Must have been quite a shock.

Harvey had been ill for some time.

But at least I didn't have to face it alone.

-CHLOE AND RADCLYFFE:

-Hello, Benjamin.

It's nice to see you again.

We've had no-one to play with.

-BOTH:

-For years and years and years.

Oh, God.

I'd forgotten.

-All right, lads.

-All right.

Do you, er...need any DVDs?

You what?

DVDs! They don't know what DVDs are.

They're like videos, but you don't have to rewind them.

We've got all the latest ones on pirate.

We've got Matrix, we've got Sixth Sense,

where he turns out a ghost at the end,

-We've got Pretty Woman.

-Though that is a love.

It is a love, and not like a bluey love, more like a drama love.

Yeah, pig-shite boring, to be honest.

Nah, you're all right, mate.

We've got some good horrors. Silence Of The Lambs.

Good killings, though it did win an Oscar.

Too much acting.

Green Mile.

Got a good death by electric, and all things coming out his eyes.

Nightmare On Elm Street, where she gets ate by her own bed...

Classic!

Oh, they're all, like, bare old.

You not got any, like, modern ones or anything?

Come here.

Did you know they've made a Terminator 2?

There you go!

Hokey-cokey pig-in-a-pokey!

Good morning, job-seekers!

Ooh, God, it stinks in here, can no-one smell it?

Open a window for me, will you? What's your name?

-Mickey.

-Thank you, Mickey, love.

But before you do...

I want you all to breathe in through your noses and remember that stench.

Cos that is the smell of idleness.

It's the smell of dirty little bum cracks pumping out the gas

from a Kwik Save No Frills pasty.

Eaten cold at four in the morning, cos time has no meaning for you.

That is your smell, job-seekers...

and I...

am an aerosol.

You can say that again.

Er...I beg your pardon?

Did you just say something?

-No.

-What's your name?

-Ross.

-Ross.

I hope I'm not going to have any problems with you.

Am I?

Not as far as I'm concerned.

Good.

Come and sit up here at the front next to Mickey love,

where I can keep an eye on you.

Right, the rest of you, put your hands up if you can remember

what it was like to have to be in a certain place at a certain time.

Er...

Here...this morning?

Yes, thank you, Mr Waddy love.

And it gave you a sense of purpose, didn't it?

So that's what we're going to be looking at today -

motivation.

Mickey love, can you dish out the pens please, Pauline's pens?

And I know exactly how many there are,

so don't be thinking you can smuggle them out in your bottoms.

-Yeah!

-Be back in a sec.

HE SIGHS

Sorry, Mickey, I can't do this.

Ross, please, just keep going.

-I don't think it's doing any good.

-It is, isn't it, doctor?

Certainly worth a try.

Patients with this form of dementia do benefit from these re-creations.

It's called reminiscence therapy.

But why dredge all this up?

It was a horrible time for all of us.

I liked it.

Pauline?

-Pauline, are you OK?

-Mmm?

Are you a little bit lost?

Yeah.

You're in this room. Come on.

That's it. In you go.

Here we go.

Right.

Good morning.

My name is...

Pauline.

Pauline...Campbell-Jones.

Have I done this bit?

And we're all here today...

Something to do with jobs.

Mr Gaines, perhaps it would help

if you were to provoke Pauline a little.

Write a rude message on the board.

Why would I want to do that?

I believe the relationship between the two of you was complex.

He bummed her!

No, I didn't.

It is often the extremes of emotion that trigger the frontal cortex.

All right.

But I don't see how anything I could do could...

Aargh!

Piss off, Ross! You smug speck of dole scum!

She broke my jaw!

How's that for motivation?

You, monkey man! I thought I told you to dish those pens out!

What are you waiting for? I'm not stood here for your benefit!

Thanks, Ross!

She's back! ROSS WHIMPERS

MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY

Mummy, Mummy, where are you?

'Scuse me...

Get off!

Pulling on me!

-ON INTERCOM:

-Brian, I've got a Geoffrey Tipps for you.

Send him round, would you?

Geoff!

Geoff!

-BRIAN CHUCKLES

-Oh!

Hiya, Mr Morgan.

Call me Brian, for goodness' sake!

How are you? It's been ages.

Yeah, I'm all right, yeah. How are you?

You still having flashbacks about being stuck in that elephant?

No, no. That's all in the past.

Therapy helped.

How's Mike?

Yeah, he's all right, yeah. Bit stressed.

You know Cheryl's bed-bound?

No. I heard she got...bigger.

Oh, yeah. She's ridiculous now. She can't get out of the house!

She's like one of them American ones, you know,

-when they wear grey tracksuits and have to take a wall out?

-Really?

-Apparently, her bed's on bricks.

-Christ. It's a slippery slope.

That's what she needs!

-Hi, Brian.

-Hey!

-Sorry I'm late.

-I was just telling him about the state of Cheryl.

-She's massive now, isn't she, Mike?

-She is, yeah.

In fact I've not got long, cos she'll need turning soon, so...

Absolutely. You've obviously got a lot on your plate.

It's not HIS plate that's the problem.

Have you thought about a muzzle?

I understand you have an investment opportunity to share with us, Geoff.

I do, yeah. Erm...

-Can I use this...?

-Yeah, of course.

Thanks. It's boiling in here.

GEOFF CLEARS HIS THROAT

Hello, Dragons.

For the past few months, I've found myself

at the coalface of horticultural innovation.

He works in a garden centre.

Yeah, Wednesdays and Friday mornings.

My idea will revolutionise in-store queries,

and provide practical solutions to all buyers' needs.

Right.

What is it?

The Garden Centre Guru is a booth, or an upright sentry shed,

you know, like the one he sleeps in in Chitty Bang Bang.

And me, or one of my team, stand in it,

and we answer questions as they arise.

And what costs would the loan cover?

-Lawn?

-The LOAN.

Oh, I thought you said lawn, cos of all the gardens and that. Er...

the building of the shed, and...all the telephones.

-Telephones?

-Yeah, cos each one of the Tippsters -

they'll be called Tippsters -

will need a mobile phone to provide all the up-to-date information.

What, so your idea is to stand in a box in a garden centre,

-like you do all week anyway...

-Wednesdays and Friday mornings.

..and Google any questions the customers might ask you?

Well, not JUST that. Don't do it down!

You make it sound like that's all there is to it!

Well, what have I missed?

The uniforms.

Cos we'll all be wearing red beefeater outfits.

-Just thought of that now.

-Geoff...

And ice lollies, for the kids.

But then we'll need a freezer, so, freezer, extension lead...

Geoff, I can't.

We've had that many foreclosures,

every business plan has to be rigorously tried and tested.

I'm sorry.

I said I wouldn't do this, but I'm going to get on my knees to you.

-Geoff, don't.

-I'm on the bones of me arse here, Brian.

You know I haven't got a gun, don't you?

I had to sell it.

Sorry to hear that.

I eat sandwiches from the bins at the back of Hammonds.

It's never the good ones.

It's always egg mayonnaise, it's horrible.

I have to go through the proper channels - my hands are tied.

You saying you're out?

I'm afraid so.

'Scuse me.

I'll do it.

Eh?

I'll make you an offer for all the money.

-But I'm going to need something in return.

-Oh, here we go!

Gives with one hand, takes with the other. What is it?

I want you to kill Cheryl for me.

OK. When do you need it done by?

Oh, no, I don't like to use LGBT - it's too limiting.

What acronym do you prefer?

The acronym I prefer is ACRONYM.

Actively Considering Reassignment Or Not Yet Made Your Mind Up.

Come on, Collier, get stuck in!

Give it some welly!

HE SIGHS

Sorry, we've not met properly.

Terry Webster, head of PE.

Wolf Lipp, Queen of Duisburg.

So what brings you back to Royston Vasey?

Oh, I just came back to...

dig up some old friends.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Oh, referee!

He's blowing for nothing!

Really? For nothing?

Which one is she?

Jesus Christ!

And black is usually so slimming!

Get into him, Jonesy!

For God's sake! The marking's shocking.

Ja, marking can be a problem.

The trick is not to spend too much time in one area.

Stroke it around midfield a bit?

Ja, genau so.

Yeah, you might be right.

Eh, you should be doing my job!

Ah!

The experience of an older guy, that's all.

So what do you reckon - give Jones another 20 minutes,

and then pull him off?

All right, but, er...

don't tell the other teachers, or we might get in trouble!

Alles klar?

My beautiful girls. Don't they make a smashing cake?

It's lovely.

Is that marzipan?

THEY CHUCKLE

They're deep ones.

They read books with jaw-cracking words.

Say something out of one of your books for Benjamin.

Our father has passed. He was great, sir.

He had two simple rules we can state, sir.

A toad's a fine pet...

And please don't forget...

BOTH: In this house we don't masturbate, sir.

Words are wonderful tools,

The more we know, the more we are... enriched.

Yes. So, erm...

where's the funeral? Which cemetery is it at?

It's not in a cemetery.

Really?

At first, Harvey wanted to be cremated,

but he couldn't bear the idea of his reproductive

and evacuatory regions being mingled with the remains of his own face,

so he requested to be incinerated in two halves.

I see.

We even prepared separate urns.

But we couldn't find a crematorium willing to slice him up

and burn him in two sittings.

So we came up with...

another plan.

Eat up, Benjamin.

Eat up.

Ellie Johnson, Vasey Chronicle.

Is it true you're knocking this building down

because it's right in the middle of the boundary change?

No comment.

DOOR CREAKS HEAVILY

There's been reports of unusual activity here.

Lights on at night...

Erm...graffiti on the walls in human excrement.

I thought you said unusual activity.

Can I quote you on that?

No.

THUNDER ROLLS

-RADIO:

-..significant wind chill.

It will continue to be windy and cold, with frost forming in some...

Are you cooking Chapulshka, Dad?

-Certainly am.

-Yes!

Special occasion.

We repaired our 10,000th phone screen today.

Wasn't this your dad's recipe?

No.

He never made it properly.

This is the real thing.

Awesome!

You never really talk about your dad.

It's painful for your father.

His Pop was in the Merchant Navy.

He disappeared at sea 13 years ago...

..and hasn't been seen since.

-RADIO:

-It remains unsettled.

Well, that's the general weather,

and now with the shipping forecast, here's Pamela Doove.

-DEMENTED VOICE:

-There are warnings of gales in Viking,

North Utsire, South Utsire.

-And you want to wear a big coat...

-DOORBELL RINGS

Who's that at this time of night?

If it's Jehovah's, tell them not to bother. We're beyond saving.

You better get this porch light fixed.

Someone could have a nasty accident.

THUNDER ROLLS

BELL RINGS SOFTLY

What IS this?

These look like...like price tags.

Doesn't seem like squatters.

CREAKING

Hello?

Yes?

Is someone there?

Can I help you at all?

Are you aware this block is due to be demolished next week?

No! I'm not aware. I'm a woman!

Anyway, you shouldn't be in here - Monday's half-day closing -

didn't you see the sign?

All right, Miss, keep calm, nothing to worry about.

This is a local shop for local people.

There's nothing for you here.

All is ready.

He will return.

And everything will be tidy again.

BOTH: For ever and ever and ever.

HE GROANS AND MUMBLES

Listen, love, it isn't safe for you to be here -

we've condemned this whole block.

What hole? I didn't block it!

The problem is that your flat...

No, I'm not!

I'm just washing my bra.

You should have been vacated weeks ago.

Have you not had a leaflet pushed through?

Oh, yes!

Er...

Do you mean like this?

They are called "pizzas."

Did you know you can eat them?

Yes.

My favourite is...

meat feast.

All right, look,

there's obviously been a breakdown of communications somewhere,

but we can sort it now. If I could just leave you this...

-Aargh!

-TUBBS WHIMPERS

All right! It's just a document.

Docklament?

Document.

Ah...

Docklament.

Docklament.

Er... Right, I'll... I'll just leave this here...

Edward! Edward!

Hello, hello? What's going on, what's all this shouting?

We'll have no trouble here.

They tried to grab my globes!

Lesbians, eh?

Pair of clitty-cats.

You're thinking even now about using a broom on my wife's second hole.

Try to deny it.

No, sir, I am a representative of the council.

Local council?

Yes, and first of all, I must tell you that you and your wife

have been squatting on this property.

That's because the toilets are broken.

You should be doing something about that

rather than harassing innocent citizens.

Secondly, you should not be running a business

from residential premises.

She tried to block my hole!

You come in here with your badges and forms,

telling good local people like us

that we can't do this and we can't do that.

Who do you think you are?

You have no power here.

All right, fine.

-WHISPERS:

-We'll leave this one with Social Services.

Would you mind if I got a quick picture of the pair of you?

I work at the Chronicle.

Certainly. I've always wanted to feature in the local paper.

You heard the woman, Tubbs.

Get undressed.

TUBBS GASPS WITH DELIGHT