Save Royston Vasey The League of Gentlemen

The county are moving the boundary line to exclude Royston Vasey.

-BOTH:

-Hello, Benjamin.

-Oh, God. I'd forgotten.

I want you to kill Cheryl for me.

When do you need it done by?

You heard the woman, Tubbs. Get undressed.

This programme contains some strong language.

-APPLAUSE

-And the award for Best New Play goes to...

Oliver Plimsolls for Harry Spotter And The Prisoner Of Acne Scar.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you. Thanks.

Issue-based children's theatre has for too long been

the fat gay red-headed stepchild of the West End family.

Which is an issue I explored in my previous play, Moobs, Lube And Ginger Pubes.

Nominated for this award last year. Didn't win. Fine. Doesn't stop it being an issue.

Who am I going to thank?

Well, I'd like to thank me, 25 years ago,

for creating Legz Akimbo Theatre Company.

And I want to thank all the actors that came

and went along the way and used me as a stepping stone.

-Ollie...

-You taught me that I couldn't rely on or trust anyone.

And if I wanted to be an award-winning writer, director, actor, producer...

-Ollie...

-Let me speak!

..then I had to do it for myself, which is what I have done.

-BELL RINGS

-Ollie,

You've got your Year 9s, they're in the hall.

Sorry.

Thanks, Carole.

-FROM LOUD-HAILER:

-Save Royston Vasey!

Our town is under threat.

Come to the council meeting at 2 o'clock this afternoon.

Free hot water. Tea bags can be purchased.

Keep Royston Vasey on the map,

or burn in hell for all eternity.

Your town needs you. I need you.

CAT MEOWS

CAT SCREECHES

It's time to stand up and be counted!

-CASUALLY:

-Actually, forget it. It's only council scum round here. Drive on.

WHIMPERING

For many years we ran a shop much like this one, up on the moors.

Serving the needs of the local community.

Then people like you came along.

Upright pigs, teats down, six.

Our shop was destroyed.

We were driven into the wild,

walking the fields and hedgerows like beasts of burden.

We narrowly escaped death

when a locomotive train missed us by inches.

And all in the name of progress.

Well, history will not be repeated!

THEY WHIMPER

GRUNTING

EDWARD LAUGHS

-I want him out, Al.

-I know love.

-Out!

GRANDPOP GASPS

That is when I fought off all the Somali pirates single handed.

They were like savages. Troglodytes.

Really?

Somehow I managed to scramble my way to a desert island.

There I make a good life for myself. Like the animals in Madagascar.

But I miss you all very much.

Very much indeed.

And I understand why my boy Al tell everyone I am dead.

Is too much for him to have hope in his heart.

He always soppy. More like a girl than a boy.

-You know, he used to wear tiny little pants.

-Pop.

I offer him my old long johns, underwear for a man,

but no, he say, "I want to wear little tiny briefs like the other boys."

Like little knickers.

So, how long are you staying?

Just a few days or months.

Until I am back on my feet.

And how nice it will be!

My son has two beautiful daughters.

Grandpop has been away for too long.

You look very well, Grandpop.

You'd think you'd lose weight on a desert island.

There was a lot of coconuts.

Cheers!

PHONE RINGS Hello?

Yeah, Geoff, it's me.

Who? I don't know how to put names in my phone.

Mike!

Are you all set up for tonight?

What about?

What we said! Cheryl!

Yes, I'm dealing with it, don't worry.

I'm a professional. I was in the SAS for six years.

What, you mean the TAs?

Same thing, it's all just putting green on your face, isn't it?

You will do it...

..humanely, won't you?

Of course!

Now, will you let me get on with it, please? I'd appreciate a bit of trust.

Excuse me, would this kill a fat woman tonight?

How are we doing, all right?

Who wants to win a bit of money?

HE WINCES

Right, you all got your dabbers?

Eyes down for a full house.

BINGO MACHINE ZAPS Key of the door - 21.

ZAP Gandhi's breakfast - 80.

ZAP Two fat ladies - 88.

My friend Cream wouldn't approve of that.

Funny name, I know. He were a Thai lad.

He said I were... What d'ya call it? Unreconstructed.

Set in me ways. I said, "Of course I am!

"70-odd with an angry prostate and me waterworks shot, what do you expect?"

ZAP Out in the sticks - 86.

ZAP Duck and dive - 25!

Udon Thani. That's where we met. Thailand.

Sweltering, it were. Like Tenko.

I'd not... Never had anyone close, like.

Not properly.

ZAP Never been kissed - 26.

Had a bit of money, though, after Dad went, so I thought, "Why not?"

You hear about these fellas, don't you?

Going out to foreign climes, coming back with...

ZAP Dirty Gertie - number 30!

I suppose I've always known I fancied something a bit different.

A bit extra.

A bit...

ZAP Danny La Rue - 52.

There were a bar. Naki-Naki-Nak-Naks.

All coloured light bulbs, like Peasholm Park.

But without the miniature sea battles.

All these lads done up as lasses.

Amazing. Really quite beautiful.

Titties with tassels and everything.

Some of them doing things what it's not nice to talk about.

Cracking open beer bottles with their whatsits.

The ones that have, you know, had the op.

Firing ping-pong balls, some of them.

Reminded me of the old bingo balls, in a funny way, but...

..I kept me eyes down.

And suddenly, there he is.

Cream.

ZAP Me and you - number 2?

ZAP Cup of tea - number 3.

I didn't think he were that bothered,

but when I got back to my hotel room...

ZAP Knock at the door - 24!

..turns out he'd followed me back. Cream.

ZAP Legs - 11.

Legs... 11.

Next morning...

ZAP Rise and shine - 29!

I asked him to come back. To live with me, back here.

And he said yes.

And you know what, for a bit...

ZAP Tickety-boo - 62.

ZAP Man alive - number 5.

Then one day Cream said he wanted to go the whole hog.

You know, have it off - his whatsit.

ZAP Doctor's orders - number 9.

He wanted to be what he called "a proper wife" to me.

So, in he went.

Then he took bad.

I don't see why they can't keep hospitals clean.

Never used to be a problem.

My Auntie Sheila was feared like Himmler on her ward.

Suddenly, one afternoon...

ZAP Heaven's gate - 78.

On its own...

On its own...

..number one.

ZAP

PUPILS CHATTER

OK, Year 9, settle down.

Now, today we are going to be looking at Commedia dell'Arte,

so I want everyone find a partner.

Sir, didn't you used to be an actor?

-What's that, Jamilla?

-Before you were a teacher,

I swear you used to have a theatre company or something?

Er, yeah. Back in the mists of time, I did.

There were three of us - me, Dave, Phil...

-Phil Proctor?!

-Yes, Phil Proctor off the telly.

We used to visit schools like this and meet kids like you,

and perform issue-based plays on stages like this...

PUPILS CHEER

Wh...?

What's going on?

Ask this lot.

I got a fan letter from one of your students saying

that their favourite teacher was about to retire,

could we come and do a special performance.

So, here we are!

-Go on, sir!

-What?

-We want to see you acting!

ALL CHANT: Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir!

Come on!

Sod it.

CHEERING AND WHOOPING

So, what are we going to do?

Well, we thought we'd do one of your best, Ollie.

Perve Swerve - a play about stranger-danger.

But it's been so long, I need time to prepare.

I'm ready. CHEERING

Soon you'll be free, death will end

We'll pull you back through the great U-bend

The dead can't hoover, can't sweep a brush

Or refill a cistern with bright blue flush...

What...?

What am I doing down here. Why...?

Why am I so sleepy?

The cake you ate last night was laced with

an extract from the skin of this toad.

-SISTERS:

-Bufo Alvarius.

It has a psychotropic effect.

Your consciousness must be fluid for what is to follow.

What do you mean?

Uncle Harvey!

I thought...he was dead.

A living death.

Preserved at the point of the soul's departure.

His every bodily fluid replaced with an embalming tincture of his own devising.

I can't tell you how happy he was, knowing that he was finally

going to be free of the curse of his own semen.

But why?

-SISTERS:

-His body might have failed, but he need not.

We need only a host, Benjamin, and Harvey's soul can live on.

A host?

A willing vessel.

A member of the family.

An ancient ceremony.

The girls do love their books.

What...what are they doing?

TOAD CROAKS

No!

No! Ah!

Let us begin.

HE GAGS

HE CHOKES

Now, tensions are going to be running high,

so it's important to strike the right tone.

Don't teach your grandmother how to suck cocks, Murray.

I'm very good with big crowds.

On Black Friday I elbowed this lass in the throat,

got myself a 50-inch Samsung.

This town's future hangs in the balance.

There's nothing people care more passionately about than their own community.

You were saying?

Come on.

Map.

SHE GASPS IN DELIGHT

SHE GIGGLES

Ooh!

SHE GASPS What are you doing?! Come out of there!

If my husband sees you, I...

SHE SCREAMS

Edward, Edward!

I've been catched in the tephelome!

Let me out!

Look, Edward!

Quiet, Tubbs! I'm teaching the No-Tails a lesson.

Our business is our business.

We keep our noses out of other people's affairs.

We would invite you to extend us the same courtesy...

'Time to become local.'

Jesus. Where did you get this from?

'That's better!'

One of the hostages. Works for the Chronicle. It came from her phone.

'We will not be defeated by your petty meddling.

'This is a local shop for local people!

'It's time we took back control!'

And I'm making an executive decision. We need to get a crew down there now.

'What are you doing? Turn that off.'

CHEERING

SLOW RAP BEAT

# Hi, my name is Johnny Smith

# I'm just 14 And I'm strutting my stuff

# I like to rap I don't like school

# Too many teachers Too many rules.

-# My dad and mum say...

-Stay out of the park!

# Especially at night When it's getting dark

# But I don't care Respect I lack

# It's light anyway Cos the clocks have gone back

# I'll ignore their warning Cos that's my style

-# I've never even heard of a...

-Paedophile! #

QUIETLY: Step over it. Right...

Double maths today. Boring! What's that noise...?

'Ere, little boy. Why don't you come back to my house?

I got the latest PlayStation game all set up.

Cool! You got a spare joystick?

Yes. And you can play with it.

I'm not sure. Mum said not to. Oh, choices, choices.

-STILTED CHUCKLE

-I feel like I'm on some sort of TV game show!

Hi, there!

Hi, there! My name's Cheesy Host,

and welcome to another edition of Safe Choices.

Johnny Smith, your time starts now.

QUIETLY: Over there.

Question one - do you know the man you are about to go off with?

-No.

-Correct.

Does he have any identification, such as a current utility bill?

-No!

-Correct.

Is he wearing nice shoes or other signs he isn't a deviant?

-No!

-Correct.

And here's your big money choice. Take your time.

Do you want to go off with the stranger,

or stay safe in the studio? It's up to you.

I'll stay safe, innit?

Is the correct answer! What's he won, Susie?

He's won a lifetime's supply of common sense!

Would you like to come back to my dressing room

-and I'll give you an autograph.

-Yes, please!

Stop!

Just because he's well dressed and plausible doesn't mean to say he isn't a dangerous predator also.

Come with me, son, I'll take you home.

Thanks, Dad. I'll try and make better choices in future.

Stop!

Didn't you know that 75% of all sexual predators are family members?

Oh, no! Rewind!

ALL MIMIC REWINDING NOISES

-SLOW RAP BEAT

-# I won't go with the man In the dirty mac

Or the man in the suit With his hair slicked back

# Put a lock on your door So your dad can't get in

# Is your grandad's coming round? I wouldn't trust him

# If you want to stay safe And have a bright future

# Make friends in a chatroom On a computer. #

ALL: Boom!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHANTING: Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir!

God, I've missed this.

Why don't we get back on the road again? Reform Legz Akimbo.

-What do you mean?

-Think about it.

There are so many new issues to do plays about now.

Exactly! And I've never stopped writing them!

Suck It And See - a play about revenge porn. Slit Face - a play about burqas.

It's all there, ready to roll out. It's what I've been waiting for!

-Ollie...

-All these years, wasted in this dead end job.

-Ollie...

-It's like I've finally woken up.

Oh, hang on.

This is still a dream, isn't it?

-DISTANT VOICE:

-Ollie!

Oh, no. BELL RINGS

You've got your Year 9s. They're in the hall.

Sorry.

Thanks, Carole.

PUPILS CHATTER

OK, Year 9, settle down.

Fuck off, you sad wanker!

Great.

-All right, Geoff?

-All right?

-See you down Palatine later?

-Yeah, maybe.

Fuck's sake.

Oof!

HE MUTTERS: Matter with it?

-KNOCK AT WINDOW

-Geoff!

-Shit.

Just wondering if you want me to get you that pint in?

-Nah, you're all right, Eddie.

-Sure?

-Yeah.

-See you later, then.

See you later.

DOOR CREAKS

HE WHISPERS: WD-40 on that.

So, when did you get released, then, Pop?

I get time off for good behaviour.

21 years. Ridiculous! For a lousy pyramid scheme.

You killed a man with your bare hands.

Yeah - for not paying what he owed under the pyramid scheme.

What do you want here?

I need you to tell me where Richie is.

-No.

-I know what he is doing.

It was 15 years ago, let it go, Pop.

He is still my son.

I won't do it!

-Good night, Grandpop.

-Good night, Grandpop.

Hey, girls, I almost forgot. I got presents for the both of yous.

HE CHUCKLES

And for you, Maisie...

See?

Beautiful!

Perhaps tomorrow you would like me to take you swimming, eh?

Unless of course your daddy has other plans for me?

Good.

Come inside, it's cold.

Who wants to get some piercings done, eh?

-HE CHUCKLES

-Grandpop will pay.

Are you watching your cats?

No, some nutters have taken hostages, apparently.

'The couple who are holding them are a local couple...'

Eh, look at them - bloody rubber-neckers.

Where were they this afternoon when we needed them?

But they're there now, Murray.

They're there now.

A gift from God.

Geoff?

The purple mongoose has vacated its habitat.

What?

The...hippopotamus is...

dead. She's dead, I've smothered her.

Oh, God.

Did she suffer?

Well, as much as anyone does if they're being murdered.

It wasn't murder!

It was a mercy killing.

-She had no life.

-Yeah, you explained all that.

She won't suffer any more, and neither will you.

Thank you, Geoff. And it will look like natural causes?

No, I left the cushion stuffed in her mouth!

Credit me with some sense, Mike. I'm not an idiot.

Sorry.

I have to say, though, she didn't seem as big as you made out.

What do you mean?

Well, I felt a bit bad. I mean, she was only what I'd call plump.

She could have easily got up and down them stairs if she'd wanted to.

What stairs, we live in a bungalow!

Eh?

Geoff, you do know we moved four years ago?

Yeah, you see, what's happened here is,

I've gone to the wrong house.

I sent you an e-mail!

Well, I can't open them, can I? I've only got Windows '95!

Geoff, what have you done?

You know who we sold that house to, don't you?

No, who?

Pauline, I'm home!

Pauline!

Pauline?

Pauline!

Pauline!

-HE WHIMPERS:

-Pauline!

The citizens of Royston Vasey do care about their town, passionately.

And when pushed too far they will resort to extreme measures,

like that film about the girl who couldn't afford Tampax. What was it, Murray?

-I, Daniel Blake.

-I, Daniel Blake, exactly.

Look, Edward!

We oppose these boundary changes

and we demand action, don't we, folks?

ALL: Yeah! Action!

-QUIETLY:

-Fucking sheep.

TUBBS: They must have heard there's a sale on.

-We pass you to him.

-We pass him to you.

-We pass you to him.

-We pass him to you.

This is madness.

Madness!

-We pass you to him.

-We pass him to you.

-We pass you to him.

-We pass him to you.

-We pass you to him.

-We pass him to you.

No.

No!

HE GASPS

We pass him...

Benjamin?

HE GASPS

-AS HARVEY:

-In this house, we don't die.