Royston Vasey Mon Amour The League of Gentlemen

Let us begin.

Get some placards and paint and phone Rent A Mob.

We're not going down without a fight.

I need you to tell me where Richie is.

I won't do it.

We pass you to him, we pass him to you.

We pass you to him, we pass him to you.

History will not be repeated.

HE GROANS

In this house, we don't die.

There are many theories surrounding the abduction of the journalist

and the council worker

and speculation still surrounds the motive.

Disturbing scenes there.

And what exactly does he mean

when he says "We are a local shop for local people?"

Is he implying we're unwilling to trade with other territories...?

No, no, it's the exact opposite,

he's saying we've had enough of what he calls "petty meddling."

We own a shop, a good shop...

-TELEVISION:

-..a shop we should be proud of,

and I, for one, am sick of people trying to talk our country down...

Poppycock. Piping words into my mouth.

Now, apparently the Daily Mail want to speak to us.

That's just a phoner...

And then they want us

on the Andrew Marr show on Sunday morning...

No screens at the table, Tubbs. You know what I said!

-You're becoming addicted.

-One sec, just update my Insta...

No! Give it to me.

We are local news for local people.

We are of no interest to the outside world.

The siege is entering it's second day in the town of Royston Vasey...

VOICES IN DIFFERENT LANGUAGES

No comment!

Leave me alone!

Another communication from the police.

They're worried we're mistreating the hostages...

We're not mistreating you, are we?

I did a trumpet on my one!

Ooop!

I know you're very angry about this boundary change...

How many more times - we don't like change!

If we had Apple Pay we wouldn't need change!

Silence.

I'm sure if you told the authorities what your demands were,

they would be willing to do a deal.

Local authorities?

I suppose so.

Very well.

Let's talk shop.

GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS

Ooh! Come on, you beggar.

Yeah, I'll have that mix for you by lunchtime tomorrow.

I'll push the bass on it, get it pumping.

Yeah. I'll catch you later.

That's all done for you now, Mr Tim.

Hey, no worries. Call me Slim.

That's what I was known as on the Manchester Scene, back in the '90s.

You know anything about the music business?

No, not really. It's all about the polishing for me now.

Has to be.

Not like it used to be, of course.

I've got a million-pound recording studio in here.

Have you? I saw you had an en-suite, but...

No. All in here. Amazing what they can do these days.

Anyway, I'm wasting your time - you've got floors to polish.

No, no, no, no. It's fascinating.

I remember what things used to be like,

patchbays full of cables like spaghetti.

You were in a band?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We didn't do too bad. Pub scene, you know.

The Whip next to City Varieties. Did a bit of telly.

Did the pilot of Get It Together with Roy North and Olly the Owl.

Non-broadcast, like.

I played on Mississippi by Pussycat. Demo.

We had our own outfit - Creme Brulee. You might have heard of us?

-No.

-No, no, I expect not.

So you packed it all in, then?

Yeah. I did have a go on my own, but pipe dreams, you know.

Well. I best get on, Mr Slim.

I'll leave you me card in case you want these doing again.

They should be all right for a few months, but they do tend to scuff...

..over time.

Well, I'll bear that in mind. Good luck.

Les...

Oh, yeah, yeah.

TRANSLATION: Growing up in Herzoslovakia in 1970s,

times were dark.

We could only eat mice and make love to our fathers.

But there was one light in darkness - Sweet Suite by Leslie McQueen.

What are we fancying love?

Um, probably have my usual calamari.

I'm not that hungry, actually.

Probably just going to go for four or five starters.

Oh, no...

What?

Hey, Luigi! The party's here!

Ah, my favourite signora. You want to sit in the window?

Yeah, all right.

No, no, we want to be in the middle, don't we, Scott?

We don't get to come out very often.

Speaking of which, hello, Charlie!

Stella.

Would you like me to push the tables together so you are one group?

No, you're all right thanks, Luigi.

We're not together any more.

Look, why don't we get a takeaway?

No, it's a free country.

What's the point of having a toy-boy if I can't show you off?

Stop it!

I'm going for a fag.

That's what you did, isn't it, Charlie?

Went for a fag.

-Are you going to let her speak to us like that?

-She's fine.

It's not fine. Stand up to her. Otherwise, you'll never move on.

Yeah, all right, Gordon. You don't have to shove it down my throat.

-Hah!

-I'm going for a ciggy, as well.

Don't try and bum my boyfriend, will you?

Why not? He might enjoy it. Your last one did.

I don't. If anything, Gordon prefers...

I don't want to hear it, Charlie.

Listen, Stella, it's none of my business,

but the wheelchair,

the black eye...

Are you all right?

Luigi! Come and make me laugh like you used to.

She's deflecting, Luigi.

Can he not allow me to be happy, Luigi?

-I never stopped loving her, Luigi.

-I only want to have fun, Luigi.

Gordon never listens to me, Luigi.

Scott's got a temper on him, Luigi.

He's put so much weight on, Luigi!

I've got a slow metabolism, Luigi!

-We're going now, Luigi.

-Don't let him take me, Luigi.

She can have hers in a doggy-bag, Luigi.

I'm just a mouth to him, Luigi.

I pretend it's Stella, Luigi.

-I lie to the doctors, Luigi.

-My mother died young, Luigi.

I'm more lonely when I'm with him, Luigi.

-I've confused love with food, Luigi.

-I'm so frightened, Luigi!

-She can't make me hard, Luigi.

-Help us, Luigi!

What do we do, Luigi?

How do we choose, Luigi?

Well... Have you looked at the Specials Board?

Oh, no, we haven't, actually!

Oh! You never think to do that, do you?

Excuse me, sir. We've done our homework. Would you like an apple?

I told you - no Swot Team.

You must be Edward?

That's right.

I'm Gareth Chapman, and I'm a trained hostage negotiator.

Sorry, I didn't catch your name.

-Right. Shall we just..

-Tubbs!

OK. Do you mind if I...

Please.

So, um...

Why don't we start with you telling me your opening position?

On top with my eyes closed, if it's any of your business.

I know you've said that the hostages aren't for sale at any price.

This is a shop. Nothing is for sale!

I appreciate that.

I'm not here to butter you up and then go behind your back.

That's his opening position.

Tubbs! Why don't you fix our guest a drink?

Use a clean glass.

Now, you must appreciate that I can't negotiate

without establishing whether Ellie and Lindsey are safe and sound.

He's using their names so we see them as people

rather than bargaining chips.

Very clever trick. All in good time.

Here. Would you like a chocolate biscuit?

No, I'm fine, thanks.

I might just let that cool down for a bit.

I believe you're unhappy with the shape of the county line?

Oh, that's Edward. He likes me to shave it all off.

But moving the boundary could be good for your new town.

Bring new business investment, more diversity, more customers.

No!

For the final time, this is a local shop for local people!

There's NOTHING for strangers here.

All right, OK.

I thought it might come to this.

Can I borrow your phone?

It's only got 32%! Oh, all right.

Yeah, this is the Tin Man. Can I speak to Dorothy?

Just do it!

Thank you.

Mr Tattsyrup...

I have the Prime Minister on the phone for you.

Yes, that's right, we make everything on site.

-Uh-huh. Yeah, no problem.

-MESSAGE BEEPS

I'll have them for you by the end of the day.

-Can I help you?

-I hope so, Richie.

I hope so.

That's right - walk this way. Slowly. Slowly.

Slowly. Slowly.

Where have I been? So dark.

So murky.

You've been a very, very long way away from us,

but now you're back.

The clouds are clearing, Valerie. The clouds are clearing.

But what is this mess?

Things have just got a little out of hand, that's all.

A Toilet Duck! I thought I'd banned such things from here.

This item trivialises the importance of water-closet care.

Who could tolerate such a jovial approach

to the maintenance and cleanliness of the lavatory pan?

I know, Harvey.

But it's just it's so much easier

than using table salt and a toothbrush.

A toilet is no place for a duck!

Harvey, please...

What next in this descent?

A lavatory brush?

The tool of Satan himself. But how do we clean the brush?

Put it in the sink?

But the sink is used for washing hands.

Nothing will ever be clean again!

An endless cycle of foulness and feculence. Gloves!

I must have gloves!

Grrr! Look at this mess! Abomination!

Oh, girls. What have we done?

A spoon in the knife drawer!

Hey, Murray, have you seen these?

They're selling them everywhere.

What's going on?

I thought the tide had turned, the people are on our side?

Someone from County Hall rang.

Seems the reason for this boundary change

is because the land's been sold for fracking.

Is that where they all watch each other in cars?

No, it's heavy drilling, but not the kind you mean.

Seems they didn't want to bother

with the rigmarole of public consultations.

Easier just to let the town disappear with a bit of paperwork.

What daft twat signed that?

You did.

SHE YELLS

Whatever happened to man Les McQueen? Rumours abound.

He shot dead by authorities for inspiring revolutionary fervour.

He stabbed with poisoned umbrella like Georgy Markov.

He grow fat and die on toilet like Elvis -

but public toilet in Todmorden.

Not like Elvis.

Where is Les McQueen now?

If he were to be found, he would be world famous,

or quite famous in Herzoslovakia - which is better than nothing.

Oh, Leslie McQueen.

Hey...

So you see, Les, the offer's there.

I know the right people.

Just sign on the line that is dotted.

It's all so overwhelming, Mr Slim Tim.

We could a get a top backing band together.

Ray Stiles from Mud - I used to know his driving instructor.

And then there's...

Oh, no. Yewtree.

Les. Les, this is all about you.

Forget the others, forget the band.

-This is Les McGann.

-McQueen.

McQueen! The hero returns.

All your troubles taken care of. All your dreams come true.

You've seen the news. This town is going down the pan anyway, probably.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Do you know what?

On reflection, I don't think so, Mr Slim.

It is a shit business.

The thing about polishing -

you know where you stand, on a floor.

A polished floor. It's dependable. It's not a fantasy.

I mean, they do get slippy,

and you must never put a rug on them afterwards. But...

It's solid.

Thanks all the same.

HE SIGHS

Well, if you're sure.

I'll see myself out.

On your knees, Richie. On your knees!

When I had to go away on my little holiday,

what was the business I entrust to you?

-Key cutting.

-What's that?

Key cutting business.

That's right. Key cutting business.

A key cutter cuts keys.

Maybe - just maybe - he repairs shoes as well .

But when he starts dealing in tankards,

in trophies, in cake slices... Why not sell anything?

Why not sell big craps in boxes?

-It was just an idea.

-An idea that make me bankrupt!

HE YELLS

Well, Pop has ideas too, you know.

You do me in the ass. I do YOU in the ass.

We're going to see how many Piri-Piri olives

can fit in one man's shit pipe.

Your shit pipe.

And we're not going to stop until the whole stinking jar is empty.

HE LAUGHS

Oh!

But you'd better leave some room up there for dessert, Richie...

Not...

Yes, nine Maverick bars.

But, Pop, they don't do Mavericks any more.

Is OK.

I brought Picnics.

HE LAUGHS

CROWD CHEERS

Really extraordinary scenes here, Jon.

We've just heard that the Prime Minister

has reversed the decision to alter the boundary lines.

This means that the town

of Royston Vasey has essentially been saved by this couple

and they're just coming out now...

Mr and Mrs Tattsyrup, BBC News.

You must be delighted with this decision?

Absolutely. This is a victory for common sense.

Our father raised us to stand up to the school-yard bully,

and that's what we've done here.

CROWD CHEERS

And Mrs Tattsyrup,

you've really managed to put Royston Vasey on the map.

-Map!

-Yes.

And your actions have inspired a lot of people here,

so do you have a message for them?

I'd like to thank the Academy and everyone who voted for me.

There's the bedroom.

There has been some criticism over your taking of hostages

to get your message through to the government.

How would you respond to that?

Well, I used to be in a war...

Lindsey! Can you hear me?

And one thing you learn is that the end justifies the means.

You can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs.

-And what do you mean by that?

-We didn't cut their faces off!

Oh, Christ...

Strangers are not welcome here.

CROWD CHEERS

This is a local town for local people!

CROWD CHEERS

A local country for local people!

CROWD CHEERS

And the will of local people will prevail!

CROWD CHEERS

Stop them! Don't let them get away!

Thank you. We must leave now.

Is there any way you can get me on Strictly?

CROWD CHANTS

Stop them! Stop them!

Guards! Stop them!

HE GROWLS

Let that be a lesson to you.

You ruin everything you touch with your high-minded dreams.

Your head always in the clouds.

A fairy who loves fairy stories.

-SHIVERS:

-Yes, Pop.

I've been away, but now I'm back.

Back in your life forever.

You see, Pop is supreme, Pop is invincible!

-Pop can do anything.

-SHOP BELL TINKLES

Is that right?

Oh, look!

Your Mary-queen brother has come to your rescue

with his little dolly wife.

If you're such a big man - why do you need to do this to them?

You're no man. You're nothing.

Nothing? A man who once ate a live cat with chips.

A man who once twist another man's head off

round the back of Halfords.

A man who could kill you - like that!

I bet you couldn't fit inside this jar.

What?!

You said you could do anything. Prove it.

I don't have to prove myself to you.

-So you can't?

-You dare doubt?

If I'm going to die, I can dare anything.

And I say it's impossible.

Impossible.

-I don't believe you.

-Take care.

-I never shall.

-Never?

Nothing could make me.

Unless I see it with my own eyes.

Then, whore of an unbeliever, before you die,

you shall see that for Pop, nothing is impossible.

-You shall see and believe.

-HE LAUGHS WICKEDLY

No, Richie, no! Not another thousand years...

I got you! I got you!

I got you!

I got you! I got you!

I got you! I got you! I got you! I got you!

DOOR TINKLES

This can't go on, girls. We must somehow get Benjamin back.

Break the spell.

Benjamin! Why Benjamin?! That agent of misrule.

That imp of the perverse.

This name will not be mentioned in this house!

Who let Benjamin in - this boy?

But now he is a man?!

His hands are my hands.

What is this?

I'm speaking to Benjamin now. Somewhere inside this.

You must fight it.

-Fight it!

-Where have these hands been?

Even now I can feel them constricted by a sock.

A sock placed over a fist - itself placed over a male member,

excited to the point of making tummy pancakes, but into said sock.

And they are my hands!

Expel him, Benjamin! End this folly!

HE YELLS

HE GASPS

HE RETCHES

FROG RIVETS

What just happened?

THEY YELL

Look Edward, we need to follow blue-dot!

Oh, Murray, what have I done?

You've turned our town into a nameless piece of land

that can be drilled through like a rotten tooth.

I thought they were just laying some cable

and we'd finally be getting broadband.

I didn't know it would come to this.

Well, I hope they paid you well, whoever they are.

He didn't pay me a penny.

Why did you do it then?

I had no choice.

He made me.

Argh! A stitch!

THEY GASP

Quickly, Tubbs, in here.

Do we need a pissport to go to London?

Quiet!

SHE YELLS

All clear, Tubbs.

Tubbs!

Tubbs!

TUBBS SQUEALS

Where am I?

Is this Swansea?

THEY YELL

Who are you? What is this place?

It's a wife-mine now.

HE LAUGHS WICKEDLY

Please, please, someone!

Sorry, mate.

Excuse me. Does this train stop at the airport?

I need to catch a flight...

to Herzlovakia.

Well... Goodbye, Benjamin, we shall miss you.

I hope you can forgive us.

Of course. But you know, Auntie Val, sometimes...

..you can't go back.

I know.

I know.

But you can visit.

Yes.

You can visit.