Escape from Royston Vasey The League of Gentlemen

This programme contains adult humour

SHOP BELL RINGS

Yes?

-Hi.

-Can I help you at all?

Don't you know who I am?

Well, this is a LOCAL shop for LOCAL people. There's nothing for YOU here.

I'd, um, like to buy the snowstorms.

-All of them.

-The precious things?!

-Yeah.

In fact...I'd like to buy it all. Everything in the shop.

-How much would that be?

-..Well, that's, um...

Seven and twelvety pounds.

Would you, um... put it all on this, please?

Look at the NAME!

Who ARE you? Are you LOCAL?

Yes. ..It's me, Mum.

David.

David...

I'm your son.

'My next collection is at 3.30. My last one is at 8.'

Come along, girls. You'll miss the bus to the farm.

-BOTH: We want Benjamin to come.

-Yes.

No. He can't. HE doesn't go on school trips. He's a grown-up.

And he and Daddy have some... grown-up things to discuss.

Come along.

Bye.

So, Benjamin,

we do agree that you have to make amends for this...

-..accident?

-Yes.

And you are prepared to do anything that might be...required of you?

Yes.

Very well. If you care to accompany me to the bathroom...

..we can begin.

Val!

-Do you have the lubricant?

-Yes.

And the rest.

It's not like you, Geoff, getting a taxi to work.

-I thought I'd treat meself. It's a special day for me, this.

-Me too. I'm going in for me op. The biggy.

Oh. Are you nervous about it?

Not really. One little prick and it'll all be over.

-Oh?

-Yeah.

Then they cut me cock off.

Don't you remember? I went away to college.

-A LOCAL college?

-No.

-London.

-London. Yes!

Yes, London. You bought me this.

- Look, Mum, I wanted to tell you... - What's all this shouting? We'll...

have no trouble here.

It's David! He's our son.

He's no son of mine. Read the signs. Strangers are not welcome here.

-Do you deny him?

-It's all right, Mum.

He left the town of his own free will.

- Dad... - I trust force won't be necessary. - Dad...

Mum.

-There's something I have to tell you both.

-Are you gay?

No.

When I went away from here, I went to college, as you know.

Then I set up my own business.

It's a construction company.

No...

We specialise in...

..road building. - No!

I fought for this contract, Dad. - Not my son!

I wanted to bring us closer together. - By tearing down the local shop?! - No! It's called progress.

There's a whole world out there. There's nothing to be afraid of.

-Why don't you come and stay with me in London? Just for a weekend.

-Yes!

May we? May we? May we?

-May we? May we? May we?

-SILENCE!!

TUBBS SOBS You should not have come back here.

-Listen, Mum, pack some things. I'm taking you with me.

-No, I can't!

I've business to attend to at the site then I'll pick you up.

Yes.

Yes! Come for me when the fiery ball weighs heavy in the sky.

About seven, then?

I love you, Mum.

What is...love?

'Thank you for posting a letter inside me.'

RADIO PLAYS

BARBARA SINGS

Hokey-cokey, pig in a pokey!

-Good morning, job seekers!

-MICKEY: Morning, Pauline!

Well, as I'm sure you're all aware, today's a very special day.

-We've all come to the end of our restart course. Awww.

-Thank God.

I want to thank you all for being so well-behaved. You've been a lovely bunch...on the whole.

It's been hard, dragging yourselves out of bed at 9am for six weeks...

It was either that or have your benefit stopped.

And you all need your beer money, don't you?

If you weren't mindless pissed each night, you'd likely kill yourselves.

..That'd get the unemployment figures down!

..Yeah, I was joking, gents.

As it's the last day, I thought we'd play a game called Shop A Scrounger.

Pauline.

-What's this, Mickey?

-I brung you a present.

-A present? For me?

Why?

Dunno. ..Think I like you.

Awww.

-What IS it?

-It's a pen.

-I can see THAT. But...

Like Swap Shop.

Thank you, Mickey.

I shall treasure this.

Can I have a word with you, Pauline?

Yes, Ross? What have YOU bought for me? Poison?

No, it's better than that.

Well, come on, then. Spit it out. Don't be so...EGREGIOUS.

All right. I regret to inform you that, as of 4pm, you are suspended from the employment service...

Oh, piss off!

I work for the Social Security, Pauline.

Internal Investigations.

I've assessed your working practices over the last few weeks. Frankly, I'm appalled.

You wot? YOU work?

You don't have to come here if you work, Ross.

I've all the evidence I need for your instant dismissal.

-What is it?

-It's my report. "Abusive and threatening language.

-"Unprompted violence..."

-Sit down, Ross! I won't fall for that one.

-TAPE RECORDER PLAYS

-'You work-shy set of bastards...!

'Sit up straight, you bone-idle lazy cu..'

What's that?

Your workshop on Self-esteem For The Unemployed.

It was only a bit of fun.

It's not a joke, Pauline.

You're finished.

-I'll ensure that you never work in the employment service again. I'll have to ask for your pens back.

-No.

Leave me me pens.

Please?

They're no longer your property.

You'll be hearing from us. This course is finished, everyone.

Wait! ..WAIT!

-You'll never get away with this, Ross.

-I'll file this report...

I'm not talkin' about your report.

-I wouldn't wipe me big fat arse on it.

-..What, then?

You've been working AND signing on.

And THAT, job seekers, is a crime.

We lose millions a year to people like Ross.

If you do any part-time work, you have to declare it.

Don't you see, gents? He's nothing but a dole cheat.

Maybe. But I'm not unemployed.

Wot?

I'M not unemployed. YOU are.

SOFT SOBBING

I hope you're enjoying your trip to Mr Tinsel's farm.

And now, what I hope will be the highlight.

A chance for us all to witness the first faltering steps of a tiny new life.

This is the star of our show.

-Monica the cow.

-LOUD MOOING

-She has been in labour for 12 hours.

It means the baby cow's been trying to come out of its mummy's womb.

-What's a womb, Mr Chinnery?

-A special place inside Monica where the baby grows.

Sometimes, the baby cow needs help coming out. That's what we'll do.

-I put my hand inside Monica.

-Eugh...!

I attach a rope around the baby's hooves, we give a great big tug and out will pop the little calf.

So here we go...

LOUD SQUELCHING

MOO-OO!

He's stuck his hand up his bum.

-I know that's what it looks like.

-MOO!

No, I am, of course, inserting my arm into the "other" passage.

-It IS its bottom. I saw it lift its tail and poo came out of it.

-No, no.

My father knows about these things. It IS its rectum.

No, no.

It IS tight...

< MOO-OO!

No wonder it's a difficult labour.

Ah. These feel like the hooves.

I'll just get the rope around them.

-Who would like to come up here and help pull the baby calf out?

-I will.

-OK. What's your name, love?

-Natalie.

OK, Natalie. Just get hold of that there. OK?

We'll pull together. ..Right, and...

..pull!

-MOOING

-Pull!

Pull!

CHILDREN: Eugh!

There we go.

It looks like offal, Mr Chinnery.

No, no, no. That's the... That's just the birth...sac.

Isn't that a liver?

Oh, Christ... Don't look, Natalie.

Don't look.

All right, Veterinary? How's she doin'?

I'm afraid there have been one or two...complications.

'We just have to run a few tests before the operation,'

make sure everything's in full working order.

-So if you could just give us a specimen...

-Right.

-Um...

-NURSE COUGHS

I just wanna do it standing up. For old times' sake.

And He will come and give strength to hands that tremble with weakness

and to legs that are lame.

The crippled will cast away their crutches, leap and dance,

jump up and down in praise of the Lord and receive all the blessings of Heaven.

But it doesn't say they have to have six parking bays at Safeway, does it?

Always empty. I left the car for FIVE minutes - nipped in for a bottle of Taboo -

and I came out, the bugger's clamped.

I said to the fella, "Would it have made a difference if I'd had a stick and a limp?"

Ramps outside libraries! And their toilets are massive!

Hymn number 168 -

"Glad That I Live Am I".

CLANKING OF BOTTLES

RUMBLE OF THUNDER

TYRES SCREECH

(Dad...)

We need to talk.

-That REALLY set the cat amongst the pigeons. The report's not ready...

-Bloody hell!

-Another drink?

-No, thanks.

-So I find myself...

-Give it a rest!

-Eh?

-Well, can you not talk about something else?

-There ARE other things, apart from work!

-Leave him. It's just a story.

-But he's boring, though, in't he?

-I'm sorry, Geoff. If...

-No, carry on, Brian.

-Oh, no(!)

-No, please. I'm sorry, Brian. Carry on.

-I find myself at this conference, waiting to...

-It's just... Well...

Today's me birthday.

-Oh, Geoff, it's not?

-Oh, happy... Happy birthday, mate.

-Why didn't you say?

-I have now.

-Course, we were here, this time last year.

-Yeah. And the year before that.

Well, um, happy birthday, Geoff.

-How old are you now? 43?

-Older than that, aren't you?

-40.

I'm 40.

Oh. You don't...

..look it.

-Well, um, many happy returns, Geoff.

-Cheers. Thanks.

-So, go on, Bri. You're at this conference.

-So I'm sitting there...

-I brought these hats. You don't... have to wear 'em.

-No, we will.

-Which one d'you want? Yellow one?

-Why not?

-Don't bother...

-Get it on, birthday boy.

Brian, I just... Look, I wanna...say thanks.

-Thanks for...coming out wi' me today.

-We were coming anyway.

I know sometimes I get mad, and, um,

-well, recently, I've said a few stupid things.

-I CAN'T HELP... But I'm older now...

You're as old as the woman you feel.

All right, now, serious, Mike.

I'm older now, and, um, well...

I've made a decision and I'm sticking to it.

Good, cos sometimes you can be a right psycho.

Brian!

That's very good, that is, Geoff.

You've got your whole life ahead of you now.

Life begins at 40.

Yes, well, so they say. I've said me piece.

-I'm off to the lav. Get them drinks in, you.

-Waiter.

(You can let 'em all in now.)

I couldn't keep a straight face.

Hiya, Cheryl, love. Hurry up!

Who's got a banner?

-He thinks we forgot.

-He's brought his own hats.

-He'll get a shock.

-Be quiet, he's only at t'bogs.

-What's THAT?

He's brought his own bloody birthday cards as well(!)

What does it say, Mike?

"I hate you, Mike.

"Tell Brian I hate him too.

"I needed your help.

"You always knew I had this gun.

"Geoff."

Geoff?!

GUNSHOT

Grip the shaft firmly...

No, nearer the base.

-Round and round not up and down.

-You're doing well.

It's basic hygiene, Benjamin.

-Cleaning items must be spick and span.

-A dirty brush is USELESS!

-Then turn your attention to the items with which you cleaned.

-What about them?

-They need cleaning too.

What do I clean them WITH?

These.

We wage a constant battle against the microbe and the germ.

-I suppose I clean THOSE once I'm done?

-Naturally.

Oh, for CHRIST'S SAKE!! As if it matters!

As if ANY of it matters!!

I'm gonna hang the BLACK scissors on the BLUE hook!

I need to dry my hands. What'll I dry them with(?)

What happens if I use the WHITE towel not the BROWN?

-Can't even shit without you peeping in to see I'm not...

-Conducting yourself in a solo symphony?

Let me OUT!!

Poor Benjamin. Benjamin...

Life writes many different stories upon us.

Stories that make us what we are.

I myself was a shy and awkward boy,

afflicted with terrible facial warts.

Oh, yes.

People would...whisper behind my back, "There goes Harvey Toad-Face!"

-"Hide! Toad-Face is coming."

-That was just his parents.

But the toad can teach us many lessons.

Itss life cycle is a model of order and simplicity.

All we ever sought to do is create a similar harmony

for ourselves and...those we love.

Look, I...didn't mean to upset you.

If you feel uncomfortable, then, of course, you must go.

But don't judge us too harshly.

We simply sought to...express our love in the only way we knew how.

Benjamin.

-Before you go, we'd like to give you something.

-Of course.

What is it?

It's this.

An itemised bill covering expenses incurred during your stay.

Wear and tear to carpets...

Dust creation and subsequent removal.

Disproportionate consumption of toilet tissue,

used while pleasuring yourself to wicked extremes.

Cheque or Visa would be fine.

Um... Brian's waiting for the police.

-Are you OK?

-Yeah.

Oh, Geoff.

You had everything to live for.

Why'd you have to go and do something stupid like this?

To see the look on your faces!

Geoff?

Oh, I got you, didn't I? They were blanks.

Oh, you...BABY!!

It was only a joke.

Hello, hello, Tubbs. What's going on?

What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here.

I'm leaving you, Edward.

..What?

I'm leaving you. I hate this town and I HATE this shop!

David's taking me to London.

-No.

-We're going shopping at Harvey Nic's

and then we're off to Leicester Square for a pizza.

Tubbs. Listen to yourself!

You cannot trust this boy.

His mind has been corrupted by colours, sounds and shapes.

I want to see Les Mis.

Or any of the big shows, really.

Goodbye, Edward.

I...love you.

Tubbs?

I...

..have to tell you something.

I saw David earlier this afternoon. We, um...

..had a little chat.

He's decided he's not going to build the new road after all.

I don't care about your stupid road. We're going on the choo-train.

Go!

David must be...waiting for you.

-David!

-Hello, Mum.

I've changed my mind.

I want to live...LOCALLY.

Tubbs.

-'Thank you for posting a letter...'

-All right! It's me.

-Good day?

-It was all right. Yeah!

See you tomorrow.

-Would you look after this for me, please?

-Course I will, Barbara.

-Are you all right?

-Yeah.

-Try and relax.

-The anaesthetic'll kick in soon.

-Good.

-I've heard that Dr Mikos is one of the best in the country.

-He is.

-Shame he had that skiing accident.

-Eh?

-We have a capable replacement.

Hello, Barbara. Don't you worry about a thing.

Right. ..What am I doing?

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Is there a shop round here? I'm starving and I wanna get away.

Yes. Come with me.

Oh, I like your boots.

My friend has a pair just like that.

So, um, are you local?

Yes.

Yes, I am.