Love Comes to Royston Vasey The League of Gentlemen

And if you'd just like to pop your signature there, pet.

I have to say, I think you're both mad.

Imagine, endless nights in with nothing to say.

Awkward fumblings between the sheets as your passion fades.

The grinding tedium of enforced companionship.

And yours just there, thank you.

BURRRRRRRP

Pig!

Excuse me, could you give me a hand, please?

It's just a little bit further. Thanks very much.

Lighters.

BELLS RING JOYFULLY

DEEP MALE VOICE: A lovely couple.

What? Oh, yes. Why don't you go and try and catch the bouquet, Barbara?

I might not have to. Have a read of that.

-"Stunning, busty brunette..." Is this you, Barbara?

-Yeah.

-"..seeks open-minded male for cuddles and car maintenance." Had any replies?

-No, it's just out.

-Why? Are you interested?

-Oh, no, Barbara. Gotta go. I'm the best man.

You should let me be the judge of that, Geoff!

-You ready, Ken?

-Yeah.

-We're all here, behind you.

-Oh.

Bloody hell,

-where did you find him?

-Mike, he's very cheap. Say cheese!

Cheese!

EXCITED CHATTER

See you later, Cheryl! See you at the reception, Mike!

Let them go, then. That's it.

GEOFF LAUGHS MANIACALLY

SOMBRE CELLO MUSIC

We're having the do "olde worlde".

-Got any "hey, nonny, nonny" stuff?

-Yeah, I'll have a think.

-Well, do.

-You're the band for tonight?

-Yeah.

Should be a good do.

-Is that a Strat?

-Yes, mate.

-Thought so. I used to play one of them.

Do you do requests? Do you know Voodoo Lady?

-You mean Foxy Lady, Jimi Hendrix?

-No.

Voodoo Lady, Creme Brulee.

Eurovision heats finalists, 1981.

No? Not heard of us?

Got quite a bit of radio play. Peter Levi at Air FM, it were his record of the week, April 16th-23rd.

I bought my Strat off Mitch Murray. Used to write songs for Paper Lace.

He says, "Les, I want 300 sheets for that. You can have it for 250." Cos he knew me.

-Do any telly?

-No, just weddings, birthdays, bar mitzvahs.

Oh. T'outfit I were with, Creme Brulee, did quite a bit of telly.

Did Magpie. Kate Bush were on... t'week before us.

Do you know what ruined everything? Punk rock. What was all that about?

-Craftsmanship went out the window. Do you write your own stuff?

-It's a covers band.

-Oh, yeah.

Peter Skellern, he said to me, "Les, you'd been around five year back, you'd have been away."

Timing was wrong, is all. There's a lot of luck in this business.

-I was right to get out. Wanna hear my stuff?

-I've got to get on.

-Yeah.

-Can I have a word, boss?

-Yeah?

-What, Maynard?

-Ray's not turned up.

-Again? We'll have to do without rhythm guitar tonight.

Hey!

-It's fate, is that.

-What is?

-I play rhythm guitar.

-Oh, no.

-Can't do Sympathy For The Devil without it.

-We can do it on the keyboards.

-It's not the same. Give us a go on your Strat. I'll teach you Voodoo Lady.

-It's not gonna happen, right?

Yeah.

You're right. Probably wouldn't enjoy it, would I?

Out on the road, getting drunk.

A young man's game.

Nice to have a chat to someone who knows their stuff, though.

It's a shit business.

I'm glad I'm out of it.

All the best, son.

It's very kind of you.

-Hurry up, Henry!

-We've got to get food yet.

What are you trying to do - bum me?

-Where do you want to sit?

-Go behind this slaphead. Excuse me.

IRRITATING GIGGLING

-How much do I owe you now?

-How much were the tickets?

-I don't know. How much was t'popcorn?

-I don't know.

Sssh!

-Has it started?

-This can't be it. It's all French.

-Be quiet, please.

-Oh, sorry(!)

-Sorry we spoke(!)

-It's only t'bloody adverts.

No, it's started. This is the film.

-This is the film?

-Yes.

-Is this Candyman 2: Farewell To The Flesh?

-No.

We're in t'wrong bloody film.

-Eh?

-Wrong bloody film.

-What's this, then?

-It's Blue.

-Blue?!

-A bluey?

-Bloody hell, that's a bit o' luck!

-Told you it were French!

-Blue! Krzysztof Kieslowski's Trois Couleurs: Bleu.

-Dracula's what?

-An 'orror?

-Trois Couleurs: Bleu.

-"Twa Culla Bleugh"!

-What's he say?

-I don't bloody know. It's weary.

-No, give it a chance.

It might be really, really good.

How many killings have we missed so far?

Is everybody having a good time?

Yay! Right, this will get you up on your feet. Dance Yourself Dizzy!

I'm sorry, love. I didn't see you.

Don't get up.

Oh, it's Peter, isn't it? No, Paul. Oh, I'm going daft in me old age.

-Christopher?

-Simon.

-Simon! That's it.

You're our Linda's... No, our Valerie's...

-Joan.

-Right, our Joan's youngest...

-Eldest.

-Eldest daughter.

-Son.

-Son! Yes, son.

Our Joan's eldest son, Simon.

Oh, of course!

You're the cripp...

Er... The, er... You know.

-How have you been keeping?

-You know me. All right down one side. No...

What I mean to say is, it's, er...

It's been a long time. The last time I saw you, you were only so high...

I must, er... Do you know where the gents is? No, you wouldn't. But you might.

I expect even you lot have got to, er... Unless you've got one of them little Queen Mum... No.

-It's down there, on the left.

-On the left? Right. On the left.

Oh, there she goes, look. The blushing bride. Are you courting, like, Simon?

No. You wouldn't, would you? But you might. Not that you shouldn't.

In the modern world, I expect there's ways for a...you to...

I saw this documentary once and it said there's no reason in the world why...

Bound to be somebody out there.

Plenty, fish, sea - all that. One that doesn't mind doing it with a...

Doesn't mind doing without it, even. And if your babies turned out to be all...

Well, they can tell these days.

They've got computers.

Christ, Simon,

you wouldn't have to keep it.

-Excuse me. I think my wife's calling me.

-Oh, aye.

Was it something I said?

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Babs Cabs.

I was wondering if you're available tonight.

Right.

Oh, right. Just a sec, just a sec.

Can I ask who's speaking, please?

-Benjamin Denton. I'm at the Swan Mills estate. I'd like you to pick me up somewhere else.

-I understand.

I want to go quite far.

Ben, I understand.

Where can we meet?

Outside the butcher's, six o'clock.

Six o'clock.

-It's a date.

-I'll see you later, then. Bye.

Bugger me, it worked!

THE WIND HOWLS

Nearly there.

This was known as the Zechstein Sea,

covering most of what is now the north of England.

Right, we're all gathered. Just come this way.

The entrance to this cave is quite low. Mind you don't bump your heads.

Now, not a lot of people know that Stump Hole Cavern takes its name

from the crippled prostitute who used to ply her trade here in the 17th century.

If you look carefully up there, you can still see her tariff etched into the limestone in soot.

Right, if you stay close behind me. Mind the shale on this floor.

Quite slippy.

We are part of a wider network of caves that riddle the entire county,

including the much larger Red Scar Cavern, half a mile to the west.

A trifle flashy for my taste, with their gift shop, granary-style cafeteria,

and 100% safety record plastered all over their promotional literature.

If we stay in single file, we'll make our way into the main cavern.

It's worth pointing out that Red Scar were served with a council notice

ordering them to replace 115 yards of faulty wiring.

Let's say I wouldn't like to get caught down there in a thunderstorm,

and no amount of trilobites in perspex or stegosaurus-shaped pencil-tops is going to change that.

This particular cavern may be familiar to you from its countless appearances on the small screen.

In 1974, you couldn't move here for Cybermen.

There was an incident in which Tom Baker sprained his ankle

on that rock there.

Just goes to show how easily accidents happen.

We've had all the celebrities here, including the late Don Henderson,

the Chuckle Brothers - you saw the autograph in the ticket booth -

and Michael Buerk...

and the 999 team.

It's around about this stage of the tour

I raise the subject of darkness.

There's nothing quite like the darkness down here. To illustrate this, we turn out all the lights.

I, myself, am not fond of darkness.

I sleep with the lights on now.

It's in the darkness I see the boy's face,

eyes protruding, tongue out...

black.

If you look over here, you'll see some of the limestone formations

for which Stump Hole is more famous...used to be more famous.

The lads give them comical names, depending on what they're meant to look like. Santa Claus.

His beard and sack.

The Wombles. See how the sediment forms the brim of Orinoco's hat.

The Specimen Jar.

The Toffee Apple, and...

Errol Flynn.

This one over here, people say to me, "Mick, that doesn't look like anything at all."

But I don't know. When I look at it, I see a little pair of hands clutching at a slippery, wet rope,

sliding down, down into the dark water.

Sometimes I'll stand here for hours,

just looking at it.

That concludes the main part of the tour.

Follow me.

Michael Buerk did say, "Mick, you can't go on blaming yourself. It wasn't your fault."

But I don't know.

Young kid, whole life ahead of him. School trip tragedy. Local man blamed.

Every day the same. Parade of blank faces. The constant drip from the cavern roof.

The cold indifference of the ancient rock.

But you keep going, don't you? Like the moss growing round that light bulb.

Life finds a way.

Look at that skene of iron oxide.

You wouldn't find anything like that in Red Scar.

Remember the guide on your way out.

Thank you.

CRRRRRUNCH

-Oh, it's pig-shite boring, this!

-Give it a chance. It might be really, really good.

Name one foreign film that's been really good, ever.

-La Bamba.

-# La, la, la, la, la Bamba!

-# La, la, la... #

-Ssh!

Zuzz!

SLURRRRP

-What's happening, then?

-You read it.

-You can't come to t'pictures to read. You don't watch films in libraries.

-You can. They've got videos.

-What ones?

-Weary ones.

-Who's she?

-Who?

-Her. I recognise her.

-Did she go to our school?

-No, she were in a film.

-She were in Twa Cooler Blow. It was on Barry Norman.

-This is it.

-This is Twa Cooler Blow?

-Yeah.

-It's meant to be really good, this.

Quiet! I can't hear a bloody word!

-You don't have to. You read it.

-It's not a bluey.

-YOU'RE in t'wrong film.

-Why don't you just leave?

-What?

-I said...

-Ssh!

-I don't believe this.

-Neither do I. It's a bit far-fetched.

-I know.

SLURRRRP

-Hi.

-Barbara, thank God you're here.

-I've been desperate to do this ever since I arrived.

-Oh.

-It's been really hard since I last saw you.

-Has it, really?

We'll have to do something about that.

And that comes with best wishes from all the lads at Rotherham Plastics.

We'd like to show our appreciation to our own master butcher, Mr Hilary Briss.

I don't know what's in his sausages, but I haven't tasted finer.

(Oh, Hilary, you didn't?)

Right, as Mike's best man,

I've got to say a few words about his achievements.

So I won't be long!

-Watch it, pal!

-His lovely bride, Cheryl, asked me to keep it quick.

It's obviously what she's used to!

-That right, Cheryl?

-Sauce, eh? Sauce.

All right.

Now, Mike is my best friend in the world.

-I've known him since school. We sat together in Maths. We were a double act.

-The Terrible Twosome.

They tried to split us up. We always managed to sneak back together.

So they had to move me into a lower stream with the remedials.

Even in Art, the teacher preferred his drawing of a train to mine.

It was my pencil he drew it with!

NO-ONE ELSE LAUGHS

Those were the days, eh, Mike?

Happiest days of our lives.

We left St Mark's at the same time, started work for the same company, in the same office.

-Tell them about...

-Till Mike was headhunted.

I've watched him

rise and rise through the ranks to the position he holds today - my boss.

Who'd have thought he'd one day be ticking me off for not sending them faxes that night?

I can't believe it.

You work your fingers to the bone.

Anyway, I'm getting off the point.

About this time we're sharing the office, Mike is screwing my wife-to-be, Katy.

Cheryl, you're not part of this yet.

It's here that things finally go in my favour for a change, ladies and gentlemen.

In '87, both our mums got really ill. Mine got better.

But yours died, didn't she, Mike?

Didn't she?!

-(Yeah.)

-Yeah!

Your mum died and mine didn't.

I won that.

At least I won the mums!

Oh, it's a sorry affair, this. Reminds me of MY wedding day.

If she were here now, my Katy would agree with me.

But she's not here now.

Because she left me.

Didn't she, Brian?

But now I've got this gun!

Sometimes it would be so easy just to finish it!

Right, Brian?!

Come on, now, Geoff.

Fair do's, eh?

Let's sit down now.

I hate you, Mike!

I hate your success and your suits and your beautiful wife!

Katy...

No.

Is she happy, Brian?

Yeah.

Well, it's Mike and Cheryl's day!

Charge your glasses, please. Join me in a toast. To the happy couple.

EMBARRASSED MUMBLING

What are you doing?

I've never done this before.

Done what?

Let's have some music, shall we?

SMOOCHY MUSIC Shift up.

What are you doing?

Ugh! What's that?

That's just the handbrake.

Barbara, no!

You see, when you buy a car you don't just go for the first one in the lot, do you?

No, you want to see under the hood,

fiddle with the points,

check if she slips easily into reverse.

-I don't know what you're on about!

-I'm not wearing any knickers, Ben.

-Give me your hand.

-Please, Barbara!

-You tell me that's not as good as the real thing, eh?

-Let go! What if somebody sees?

-No-one will see.

Come on!

No, Barbara! I've got a girlfriend!

-Eh?

-I'm sorry. I'm already spoken for.

But I thought when you said you wanted to go with me, you meant...

I meant, to the station!

I want to leave. There's been a misunderstanding. I'm sorry.

SNIFFLING I feel such a fool.

Look, you're a lovely...

If I wasn't seeing someone else...

Don't, Ben. I think you'd better go now.

You can't just leave me here.

-You do know I'm having the operation, don't you?

-What am I meant to do?

-It was worth a try, though, wasn't it?

-Barbara!

Please!

Shit!

Hilary!

Hilary...

Who is it? What's going on?

It's me, Hilary. Maurice.

-Maurice, it's four in the morning.

-Let me in. It's important.

Quiet! You'll wake Mrs Briss.

-Have you got something for me?

-What?

-You know bloody well what I mean!

Oh, you've changed your tune.

-Can't you give me a little?

-I'm a respectable butcher. I keep regular hours. Come back tomorrow.

Please... Please, Hilary!

I'm...

hungry.

All right, Maurice.

Just this once,

I'll do you a favour.

Thank you.

MOANING

More...

I want more.

Perhaps you can do ME a favour some time.

GRUNTING

Excuse me! Could you...?

Oh, of course.

Actually, it's just a bit further.

Thanks.

Subtitles by John Macdonald, Subtext for BBC Subtitling, 1999