The Beast of Royston Vasey The League of Gentlemen

# Go to Joan Glover and tell her I love her and at the mid of the moon I will come to her... #

Come on, guys. # Go to Joan Glover... #

-We're lost, aren't we, Phil?

-I'm not sure.

-This isn't a road.

-It's hard to tell. We're underneath this staple.

-What's this?

This is where the road's meant to be.

Shall we see if we can help, Olly?

Best not, Dave. We'll only be late for the kids.

Always be professional.

The kids'll respect you for that.

-# Go to Joan Glover and tell her I love her... #

-Oh, shut up!

Did the plan work, Edward?

Yes, Tubbs.

The plan worked beautifully.

Come on, girl. Do your business.

I'm coming!

Hi, Grace. Morning, Grace.

Mr Chinnery.

I'll be two minutes. Come in.

Your entire zoo?

How many animals did you lose?

Three. Pickles the chimp was from my brother-in-law. The goat was from a gypsy in Tadcaster.

And the pig was a favour from a farmer friend in Scholes.

I've got nothing now. The pig was there, the chimp was there. All gone!

Everything's gone.

-Read the map!

-I haven't got the map. It's not my responsibility!

-Now where? Left or right?

-It has to be left.

-For crying out loud!

-Straight ahead.

-Right!

There's a man sitting next to you.

-Not another man, me. I just thought you ought to know.

-Thank you.

Oh, it's all right.

-It's a lovely day.

-Yes.

-No, I'm telling you.

It IS a lovely day. Hardly any clouds in the sky.

You are in a park on a bench talking to a man - me.

-Am I shouting?

-Sorry?

-AM I SHOUTING?

-A little, yes.

I thought so. I expect your ears are more finely-tuned than an average, normal, healthy person's.

-They are important, yes.

-They keep your specs on for one thing!

They forecast rain again later this afternoon.

-I beg your pardon?

-They say it'll rain again this afternoon.

-Did they write it down for you in that bumpy writing?

-No, it was on TV.

Oh. Good. Good for you! Do you watch a lot of...?

It's all repeats. It's nothing you haven't seen before.

You should get yourself a video.

-I've got one.

-You can tape stuff just to listen to it or keep it in case one day...

Who knows? They can put pigs' livers inside you nowadays.

A pig's liver instead of a human's!

So they might find some way of...

I saw this Tales Of The Unexpected and it was just this eye on a stalk.

This brain and an eye on a stalk in a big glass tank. If you're lucky, one day that could be you!

If I'm lucky?

Well, listen to me, eh?

I must be going.

It's nice to meet you, anyway.

I'm behind you now.

I'm going. Ta-ra!

How do you shave?

I bet you cut yourself a lot.

Is that why you see so many bearded sightless? They always look a mess.

Dandruff and crumbs in their beard.

Mum used to say, "That's what'll happen to you if you keep fiddling with yourself." Didn't stop me.

I expect you get lonely, rattling around all day

inside your house - your hostel - locked in your own thoughts.

You'd do better going for a walk. As I say, it's all repeats.

Who knows? You might even meet another... Look at me!

Was it something I said?

-Did you have a nice holiday, Mrs Levington?

-Barbara, it was paradise.

It's like being in a Bounty advert.

I should get my bikini line waxed.

-So anything been going on around here?

-Have you not heard about the Beast of Royston Vasey?

Barbara, people can be very cruel.

-Not me! They dug something up on the new road.

-You'll give me the willies.

You're welcome to mine. It's coming off in a fortnight, anyway!

Right, what have we got here, then?

-I have to warn you, Mr Chinnery...

-Don't worry, Inspector.

I'm used to seeing nature in tooth and claw.

You cowards!

You whoremongers, idolaters, liars!

Your place is in the lake of fire and sulphur

where you will die the second death,

the death that burns for all eternity!

So...think on.

< SOBBING

Shut up!

Oh, they've arrived. Did you know that this afternoon,

some of you will be watching a play instead of doing proper lessons?

It's going to be performed by Legz Akimbo Theatre Company

and it's a show about homosexuality aimed at 9 to 12-year-olds.

Some people call this theatre an education.

I call it AIDS in a van.

Now...adultery.

My finest specimens.

Sonny and Cher.

Soon I shall be entering them for the Annual Croaker Parade.

They've been nurtured for the past nine months.

Fed exclusively on smoked mackerel.

Now I feel the Toad Breeder Shield is finally within my grasp.

-Uncle Harvey, I'm getting the next train back to London.

-Impossible!

-You're looking after the girls tonight.

-Guests must baby-sit at least once.

-You never mentioned that.

Perhaps if you'd spent a little less time cavorting with Madame Palm and her five lovely daughters,

you'd be a little more alert.

Well, I'm going. I've got the ticket.

Splendid. That's settled, then.

Chloe and Radcliff will be thrilled.

Benjamin!

One other thing. While you're walking round the house, wear these.

We use them on Wednesdays to help restore the weft of the carpet.

OK, everyone. Thanks very much. Good morning.

We are Legz Akimbo Theatre Company. Two Christmases ago we did White Chocolate, a play about racism.

We're back in your school to present our new piece on sexuality called Everybody Out!

I'm Olly Plimsolls. I'll get your names in a minute. There are far too many of you!

-This is...

-Phil.

-And...

-Dave.

-Today we'll do some forum work on sexuality.

Before we start, we will be losing Phil at the end of the month.

-What?

-It's sad to see him go, but he's been plucked for stardom.

-He's a proper actor. He's off to do telly and radio and other exciting things.

-When did this happen?

-Last week.

-Next time you see him on your telly, you can say,

"I know him. He was at our school in that really good play.

"I liked him in that. The script was good, but he's out of his depth here.

"He's rubbish in this. Turn it off, Mum!"

Thanks, Olly(!)

Shift over.

-Who was the casting director?

-Paul Alexander.

-That old queen? How did you...? Oh, right.

Room for a little fat one. That's it. OK, who's got a secret?

-Who's got a great secret that only they know about?

-I have.

-Dave!

Who's got a secret that they couldn't tell anyone else? What kind of secret is that? Any ideas?

No? What if you stole something, did a crime? That would be a secret.

Or you're a secret smoker. You take yourself off for a fag behind the bike sheds.

What about if you're gay?

There's a few giggles.

Hands up...

who's gay.

I'm not! It's a hard one to admit to

-when I bet you there are some gays in this room.

-There is at least one I know of!

Sexuality is a very broad church. It's like anything else...

that's like that.

-Tolerance is very important.

-Yeah.

-This is what people forget. Gays are just ordinary, healthy guys.

-But dykes are evil.

-Olly!

-Picture a scene. You arrive home early to find your wife in bed with another man.

-Olly, let's...

-But it's not a man. It's a big, fat lezzer wearing my slippers, smoking my pipe!

Don't touch me, you poof!

-D'you wanna take a break?

-I'm fine!

Where was I?

Tolerance. You talk to work things out. I spoke with my wife Linda.

I'm not man enough, so she lives with a female Geoff Capes.

Which is fine. It's a process.

-Understanding people is part of the hidden horrors of relationships.

-Olly...

Olly!

Right, any questions?

The subject appears to be animal.

Porcine features.

But ostensibly...

simian.

May I have a glass of water, please?

-'Sir?'

-Not now.

Yes, also elements of a ruminant or ovine anatomy.

-Anthropoidal nature of the subjects suggests some gross distortion of a known genus.

-'Sir?'

I can only conclude

that we are being confronted by a new species,

some monstrous basilisk, the like of which the world has never seen.

'Sorry to bother you. I've got this zoo fella here. Lost his animals.

'You haven't seen a goat, a pig and a chimp anywhere?'

Come on. Back to work, everyone.

Oh, yeah.

Did the plan fail, Edward?

Mr Scarecrow, you do look messy. Your head's all out of shape.

I'll ask Mummy to make you a new coat and trousers. Then you won't look so scruffy!

Hey! Hey, you Denton girls!

-What's your business with my scarecrow?

-He's a special friend, Mr Tinsel.

He must get very lonely and hungry.

No, you mustn't worry about him.

He's only a thing of cloth and straw. Shouldn't you be getting back to your school trip?

They shouldn't let you wander off.

GIRLS LAUGH

Oh, dear. Them young lasses have made an awful mess of your head.

GROANS

Did you know it's your third anniversary coming up this Sunday? Three weeks in a ten-acre field!

What have you got to say about that, Andrew?

Please. Please, Mr Tinsel, let me go!

When you're doing such a fine job keeping the crows off my turnips?

I don't think so, Andrew.

Maybe next month, eh?

At least leave the bag off for a while.

Oh, I'm not sure about that.

Please!

All right. I dare say, a bit of fresh air will do you good.

I'll take a walk down to the reservoir, but don't try any of that screaming.

I've got me gun.

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Oh, my God! My God!

Girls! Girls! Come here!

Girls, come here! Come here, come here, come here! Come here quick!

Look, there isn't much time.

-I need help.

-What kind of help, Mr Wood?

-You know who I am?

-Of course we do.

Mr Wood from the cash and carry. Farmer Tinsel has kept you here because you slept with his wife.

She thinks you deserted her and went away,

-but you've been here in the field all this time.

-Eh?

Let's get this back on your head!

No!

Please, help me!

-And you'll want this.

-We'll see you, Mr Scarecrow.

You're our special friend, so don't go away.

SCREAMS

-Hey, Luigi!

-We're back again.

-Can't keep away, huh?

-She's burnt the dinner. We've had the fire brigade out.

-He's lying.

-Table for two?

-Yes, please.

-I've got my toyboy coming.

-I'll give her a bloody toyboy. Save me a fortune!

-Can I get you some drinks?

-Yeah, I want sangria.

-No, just pick her out a nice bottle of red, Luigi.

-Oh, Luigi. Put the Gypsy Kings on.

-I like them, Luigi!

-She's bloody off, look!

-OK.

It's quiet.

Here he comes!

-I'm back on my holidays, Luigi!

-She'll be on t'bloody tables next!

-I was in Tenerif-ay.

-It's Tene-reef.

-For you, madam.

-He called me madam!

-Thanks, Luigi.

-He wants a bib.

-Luigi...

-Big baby!

-Shut up!

-Calamari - is that salad, lemon wedge?

-Si, signore.

-What is it, Luigi?

-Squid, Stella. You won't like it.

-I'm asking Luigi!

-I took her on holiday, two-star hotel, full board.

-Don't listen to him!

-She spent half her time in the bathroom, knickers round her ankles!

I'll bring the wine, huh?

-Stella...

-Drop dead.

-Luigi!

-Luigi!

-Where have you been?

-Stay single.

-Come to cheer us up?

-Not worth it!

-Have you...?

-Tell me how you put 20,000 pesetas in a slot machine...

-Save your breath!

-Ask her why she had to leave her job.

-I loved that job.

-And that 250 in my bottom drawer.

-I get so bored! I have to get out the house!

-I don't love her no more.

-I'm still a woman.

-Make something happen, Luigi.

-Please, Luigi!

-Luigi, please.

Me name's not Luigi.

It's Carl.

I'm sorry.

-I thought he said his name was Luigi.

-Aye, well...

-Are you OK, Olly?

-I'm fine.

-Don't forget the music in the disco scene.

-I'm fine!

Mum said I was artistic. I thought she meant I was good at drawing.

At school I knew I was different from other boys.

-They were interested in football.

-Yeah!

-And girls.

-Phwoar!

-But I liked books and dolls.

-Poof!

-Queen!

-Mary!

-Homo!

-Nancy!

-Linda!

I used to walk the streets for hours, thinking what was wrong with me, why was I different?

That's when I saw it. The nightclub Gloria's.

I pushed open the door, went inside and danced the night away.

Danced the night away!

All right, all right!

DISCO MUSIC

Hey, I haven't seen you before.

-I'm not gay.

-That's cool. I'm not judging you.

We get all kinds - gays, straights...lesbians!

-Olly!

-Gloria's is a fun place as long as you're careful and over 18.

See ya!

My head was spinning. I couldn't wait to tell all my pals.

How could I tell them? I felt like I was on trial at the Old Bailey.

Will the court now rise for His Honour, Judge Society!

Johnny, you stand accused of being gay. How do you plead?

Not guilty. No, guilty. Why are you judging me?

What about AIDS?

It seemed like a nightmare at first, but that was a few weeks ago.

-You're hurting me.

-Put me down.

Just like one of those fairy tales, we all lived happily ever after.

I'm happy with who and what I am.

If people don't like that, they can go kill themselves, like Mum did.

Come on, kids, get clapping.

-The moral of this story is...

-Being normal won't get you anywhere!

Phil's just got a great part on telly because he bums the director.

Yes, I'm not stupid!

-People like me and Dave plod on...

-Don't, Olly!

-I'm telling them how dedicated we are.

-I'm leaving Legz Akimbo.

-What?

-I've had enough.

If Phil's going, I'm going.

Why are you doing this, Dave?

I just can't stand you, Olly.

I'm sorry.

Great.

Excuse me. I think I'm going to be sick.

BOTH: Benjamin, we can't sleep. Can we play a game?

Really, girls, you should be in bed. It's too late to play.

-Please play with us.

-I promised I'd make sure you didn't get up.

-Please!

No...! Now go to bed.

DOOR CREAKS SHUT UPSTAIRS

If you don't play with us, we'll tell Daddy on you.

-What?

-We'll say we came down and caught you doing something naughty.

-Like what?

-BOTH: Shaking hands with the governor of love.

-Don't be silly!

-He won't believe that.

-We know how to say it to make it sound real.

We don't want to make him angry. I once saw him beat a man until they were both crying.

I'm not going to let you blackmail me. Now I've told you. Go to bed!

-AAAAAGH!

-All right, all right.

We'll play a game, but just for a bit.

Fetch the blindfold. We're going to play Wind In The Willows.

One, two, three, five,

twelvety-six, ten... There are too many, Edward!

There's been a local shop on this site for generations.

Now this new road... What are we going to do?

We could kill them all.

Tubbs, you're good-hearted!

There are too many.

Look, Edward, a shooting star!

-Shall we make a wish?

-Yes, Tubbs.

I wish... I wish for an end to this plague of strangers,

for our future to remain local

and for the new road to be totally destroyed.

Can I have a new dress, please?

-GIRLS SHOUT

-All right, calm down. Stop shouting!

Calm down. Stop shouting. I don't know what you're talking about.

I don't think you should be... Now stop it, stop it!

LOUD HISS

What's going on?

Calm down!

What's happening?

Oh, hello!

We were just...

..playing Piggy In The Middle.

Sonny!

-My Sonny!

-Where's Cher?

-I didn't...

SQUELCH

Oh, God!

I'm sorry!

Subtitles by Calum Short, Subtext, for BBC Subtitling 1999