Nightmare in Royston Vasey The League of Gentlemen

This programme contains some strong language.

Hello?

..Oh!

-Good morning.

-Yes?

Sorry to disturb you. I wondered if I could pick your brains.

No, you can't! I have a husband, you know.

I'm lost. I'm looking for Royston Vasey, but I can't seem to find it.

-Lines and lines and lines and lines and lines!

-Yeah.

-What do THEY mean?

-Well...they're the roads.

-They connect you with other places.

-LOCAL places?

-Well...no.

ARGHGHHHH!!

Hello? Hello, Tubbs? What's going on?

-What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here.

-..Tubbs have nightmare. About new road.

How many more times, Tubbs? THIS is a LOCAL shop. Hmm?

For LOCAL people. Strangers cannot force a road upon us. They would not dare. Now, put it from your mind.

RUMBLE OF HEAVY VEHICLES

He's hardly touched his lettuce in weeks, Mr Chinnery.

Hello.

Hmm, he DOES look a little peaky.

Eugh... Yes...

It's a form of pernicious anaemia which affects the chelonian family.

If we had time, I'd suggest changing his diet, but...

-Oh, dear.

-The best thing we can do is oxygenate his blood immediately.

-What's that?

-It's compressed air.

Basically, a short, concentrated blast should perk him up.

I'll just put this funnel over his little head...

Would you twist that little knob?

-WHISTLE OF AIR

-That's it. A little bit more.

-Are you sure?

-Yes.

A little bit more. We can afford to be quite bold.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Was he VERY old?

They offered me a C cup or a D cup, but I don't think with my shoulders a C would look 'owt on me, you know.

I want something in French silk. Something expensive. I find nylon chafes me nipples.

-Morning, Uncle Harvey.

-Morning.

-Morning, Auntie Val.

-Morning, Benjamin. Please join us at table.

-We haven't actually broken our fast yet. We've been waiting for you.

-Oh?

Yes, we've been waiting since 6.15, actually.

In this house, we usually rise at a REASONABLE hour.

-You said to get up when I liked.

-It's not a problem, Benjamin. Don't make an issue of it.

-Still haven't met Martin. I'm a bit stuck...

-Maybe people get up this late in YOUR house, I don't know.

We think of the morning as the better part of the day. Perhaps you're slothful.

Sluggish and indolent. A dawdling flaneur, content to waste his life spreadeagled on pillows

forever indulging himself in the pleasures of the palm.

I just don't know.

-It's quarter past nine.

-Already a third of the morning has gone!

-But...

Never mind!

Never mind.

-We like to start our morning with a glass of fresh aqua vita. Join us.

-Yes, mineral water'll be fine.

No, no, no. Not mineral water. Aqua vita. Aqua vita! Water of life.

A perfect way to set up your body for the day. Full of nitrates and enzymes. A natural antibiotic.

-Auntie Val will fetch you a glass. You can...fill it now, if you like.

-Sorry?

-Fill it with your own feculence, as we do.

-With my fecu...?

Micturate, Benjamin! Micturate.

Pass water.

You want me to piss into a glass?

Aids the digestion and is so good for the skin. Come on! On your feet!

-Mustn't be ashamed of one's bodily functions.

-No, I...

Now, if you'd like to place the glass thusly...

All you have to do is let yourself go.

In this house, we think of a dripping tap or a babbling brook.

-Just let it flow!

-No, I CAN'T!

-D'you want a bigger glass?

-No! It's nothing to do with the size. I don't want to, all right?

Oh, dear. It seems BENJAMIN thinks there's something odd about drinking one's own pee-wee.

Something unnatural.

-Yes, I do!

-There are plenty of precedents in the animal kingdom that demonstrate otherwise.

My toads consume three times their own volume in urine every day.

Perhaps you would mock the toad in his wisdom?

What is good enough for him is not so for you!

Well, the toad has been on this earth since the dawn of time.

I daresay he and his amphibian brethren will outlast our own species...

So join me, then, and drink! Drink! That we may become more like him and his friends!

Or would you prefer tea?

APOLOGETICALLY: £2.50, please,

for the roundabout zoo.

£2.50, please.

£2.50 for the roundabout.

No, thanks, mate.

But you... But you get a sticker.

All right, Samuel? Why, these road fellows aren't wasting much time.

-Still on for this afternoon? Booked the table.

-I'll be there.

-Oh, and, um, Morris?

-Aye?

I've had a...special delivery.

No, Hilary... I've told you.

I'm NOT interested!

He'll come round.

I even thought about going to Casablanca to have it done, but I'd have been butchered.

It happened to a friend - Julian.

Besides, I'm not supposed to fly after the implants. There's a danger of the bust imploding.

All right, Barbara?

'Hokey cokey, pig in a pokey!'

Good morning, job seekers!

Now, then,

it's been brought to my attention that certain of the gents, me restarts, have taken the pens home.

Stealing the pens. Pauline's pens!

So I warn you, if it happens again, I shall chain them to the tables.

AND the pens!

That was a joke, Ross. Don't crack your face(!)

Now, then, job seekers, we're thinking today, d'you remember, about interview technique?

Mmm? And what I want to do first is a little role play. Make some space.

Well, come on! Chop chop.

When will we get onto the computers and learn about spreadsheets, databases...?

Piss off, Ross.

..Right. Thank you, job seekers!

Now, then, in this role play, I am going to be playing an employer,

-and I'm interviewing... Mickey, here, for a job.

-What job?

It's shoving trolleys round Asda car park, Mickey, love.

Out of your league, but we're only playing. I want to see you really sell yourself!

-My name is Mickey!

-Ooh, good morning, Mr Mickey.

Can you tell me your last job?

Milk monitor.

And, um, what qualifications do you have?

I'm a good swimmer.

Uh-huh. And what other work have you done, apart from milk monitor?

-Bugger all.

-Language, Mickey.

-What?

-Watch your language.

-English.

-WATCH your language. ..Never mind. Thank you. We'll let you know.

-Did I win?

-You did super.

Right. Thank you, Mickey!

That was a perfect example, everybody, of how NOT to conduct yourself at interview.

-He slouched, swore, came across as a man with (shit) for brains. Eh?

-Yeah.

Right, job seekers, what I'm going to do now is show you the right way.

I want someone in this room to interview me. Any takers?

-You disappoint me.

-I'll do it.

Ross. Well, thank you very much. In your own time.

-Could I have the clipboard, please, Pauline?

-Um... Yeah. You can, yeah.

And the pen?

Be very careful with it.

-..Ooh, I feel all naked.

-I'm glad you're not!

-What?!

In your own time.

..The door was already open.

-Would you like to TAKE a seat(?)

-Yes, sorry... Ross is quite right.

YOU'RE in the driving seat now.

..I know.

-I'm getting these, Mike, we're celebrating.

-Thank you, Geoff.

Have you set a date? Cheryl's to speak to her parents...

Quick, or these'll get in before us.

-Right!

-Pint, please, Geoff.

-All right. Brian?

-Just a Coke, please, Geoff.

-Eh?!

-Um, lager.

-Three lagers, sweetheart!

-Will you have a church do? Well...

-That's the woman's job!

-First thing you do, is sort out your best man.

-Haven't thought...

-Gotta be one of us. You haven't any other friends.

-Thanks very much(!)

We'll draw straws for it, Geoff.

-Eh?

-We'll have to draw straws.

-Got it all planned out, have you?

-No.

-Keep your nose out, then! Mike's MY friend more than yours, aren't you?

-There's not a lot in it.

Brian said Cheryl looks like a moose.

-He said, "I can't believe he's marrying that old moose."

-Never did.

Geoff did.

No, I said she looks about 100 years old.

Oh, Geoff, you idiot!

You're right, Brian.

We WILL have to toss for it.

Tubbs?

Tu-ubbs?

Tubbs!

London!

London!

London!

Give it to me, Tubbs.

No!!

NO!

You LIED to me, Edward!

You lied to me!

There IS a Swansea.

-NONSENSE!

-AND other places, too!

You kept them from me!

YES, I kept them from you! To keep you clean and pure and local!

-What about new road?

-What ABOUT it?

When new road comes, we can SEE these places. We can GO!

Go where?!

-Go where?!

-Plymouth.

I'm gonna stop your road, Tubbs. Once and for all.

Eugh!

BABY CRIES

-Yes, pal, can I help you?

-I'm just browsing.

-Sorry, didn't catch that.

-Just looking round.

-Out the door, right, up the high street.

-Sorry?

-For the library.

-Isn't this the joke shop?

Two pairs of plastic tits in the window, jar of fart sweets on the counter. No, it's the butcher's(!)

Yes, this IS the joke shop, shop being the key word.

-If you came to laugh at the wind-up willies, sod off!

-I am going to buy.

Well...

whoopee shit(!)

-What is it, then, squire? Stag night?

-What?

-Got a stag night coming up? Want something saucy? I've just the thing. What about that?

-What is it?

Put in the groom's undies, eve of the wedding. Gives him crabs.

Bloody crab's eggs, innit? Hatch out in his bush overnight.

-Next day, he's stood at the altar, all he can think about's scratching his jewels. £4.50.

-What?

-All right, four quid.

-I'm looking for something more...specific.

-Oh.

-What about these?

-What are they?

-Hot sweets. For the best man before his speech.

-What's in 'em? Pepper?

Potassium. Burns the roof of his mouth, his tongue. Never talk again.

-No, no. It's not the kind of thing I'm after.

-Hold your horses, squire.

I know I've got something for you.

-Few drops in the bride's champagne, she'll piss herself.

-What's so funny about it?

-Don't make her laugh.

She PISSES herself. Sort of muscle relaxant.

My mate knocks it up. 16 quid.

'Ere, put your hand in there.

-What's in it?

-Go on. Ain't gonna bleedin' bite.

-No, thanks.

-Put yer hand in.

-I don't want to.

You don't leave this shop till you do.

-You're not leavin' this bloody shop till you put your hand in!

-..Please.

Put...your...hand...IN!

Ah, it's not switched on.

It's good, that, innit? Runs off a car battery - you can't buy 'em.

Jesus! Some people ain't got NO sense of humour.

-Yes, pal, can I help you? Stag night, is it?

-Um, yeah.

And, lo, the scales fell from Saul's eyes and he finally saw the true light,

the way and the Lord!

At least, that's what it says here.

Lord, I AM tired.

..So much for the road to Damascus. What about the road to Royston Vasey we're finally getting? Hallelujah!

..Let's just hope we don't get a visit from Pog or Lumpi - those soap-dodging road protestors,

driving round in their converted ice-cream vans. Pierced belly buttons, pierced eyebrows, tongues...

They'd have their arseholes pierced if their cheeks fitted in the machine!

I'd shepherd them into their tunnel, knock out the props and see how they liked being close to the earth THEN!

Well, I welcome this road and every blast of carbon monoxide it brings.

If God meant us to walk anywhere, he wouldn't have given us Little Chefs. ..Hymn 143.

Drive Them Unto Me, Thy Saviour.

HE SNORES

Shotilla, eh? It's a long time since my championship days, but I've not lost me touch.

It's good to see all this activity on the road front, isn't it?

-Makes quite a change, someone listening to the voice of the small businessman.

-Not before time.

Thought any more about what I said?

(Hilary!)

(Not here. Not now.)

Now's as good a time as any, Morris.

-(For God's sake, Hilary! I'm a magistrate!)

-So what?

They're all sorts on my list.

Ex-mayors, chief constables...

I'm NOT interested!

Go on. Give it a go.

Hilary...

(Put it away! Please!)

I'M not touching it. It's yours.

Hilary!

Wasn't so difficult, was it?

Tell you what, that one's on me.

Just let me know how you get on.

-And you're interested in the trolley job?

-That is right. VERY interested.

My abilities to work well as part of a team and yet take individual responsibility are important.

-What work experience have you had?

-I left school early...

-You didn't go to college?

-No, I felt work exper...

-NO qualifications?

-If you don't count 20 years in the employment service.

-No, ACADEMIC achievement.

-Degrees, diplomas.

-Come off it, Ross. Shoving a trolley round Asda car park? A friggin' monkey could do it.

Would you say you're a fairly egregious person?

..Wot?

Are you an egregious person? Do you have an egregious personality?

Um...

Yeah. Yeah, I do, yeah.

-I'll say some words and I want you to reply with the first thing you think of.

-Yes.

-Home.

-Royston Vasey.

-Family.

-Dead.

-Friends.

-Pens.

-..No, FRIENDS.

-Pens. The best friends you can have.

Everything I know about people I learnt from pens. If they don't work, you shake 'em.

If they still don't work, you bin 'em!

Really?

-Work.

-Everything. My work is everything to me.

-Love.

-No.

-Somebody once, but...

-Age?

-A lady's prerogative.

-I need it for the records!

-Let's say I'm as old as me gums and a bit...

-How old are you?

-48!

-Thank you.

-Thank you. When do I start?

Oh...

Sorry, I can't offer you this position.

..You wot?

Well...you failed the interview. You strike me as a bully.

You're ill-mannered, ignorant and foul-mouthed. You're not qualified for this job.

And, apart from anything else...

you're too old...

..Miss.

Sorry.

But I can...

Good! Thank you very much!

Ross handled that situation very well. Can I have me things back?

But how would he handle a situation

-more like THIS!!

-ROSS ROARS IN PAIN

Oh, a bully, am I? Foul-fuckin'-mouthed?

You'll EAT those words!

Egregious! Egregious!! Egre-e-egious!

­ Stop it, Pauline!!

Stop being a nutter!

ROSS COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

Oh, Mickey...

what is egregious?

BABY IS CRYING Be quiet!

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Hello?

KNOCKING STARTS AGAIN

Who is it?

Mike.

It's me, Geoff.

What do you want, Geoff?

What you doin'?

-I'm ON the toilet.

-You haven't got Brian in there with you, have you?

-What?!

-..Look... I've come to apologise.

-I've brung you an engagement present.

-Oh.

-Yeah, I'm really sorry for what I said. I love that Cheryl.

-TOILET FLUSHES

Don't fancy her. She's old-looking. YOU do, that's the point.

-So, you know, if you NEED anyone in the future, maybe...?

-Yes, Geoff.

-What?

-Yes, you can be my best man.

Oh, YES! I can't wait to tell Brian.

-All right, all right. What's this present you've got me?

-Oh, yeah.

..Put your hand in there.

INAUDIBLE

Stop! Stop the machine!

Pick her up.

What the hell is that?!

Subtitles by Valerie Maguire BBC Scotland - 1999