Killeroo The Mighty Boosh

-Hi. My name's Howard Moon. This is my apprentice, Vince Noir.

-Apprentice? Get stuffed.

-You're my apprentice.

-Don't start.

-Or what?

-Or I'll come at you fast.

-I'll put a move on you.

-You haven't got any moves! It's like being caressed by a natural yoghurt.

-I've got new, powerful moves now.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Sent off for some new ones(?)

-They arrived this morning.

-First post?

-Yeah. The post that hurts the most.

-Come on. Bring them on.

-Wanna feel something?

-Yeah.

I'll take you for a meal with Mr and Mrs Pain. Order violent quiche.

Come on.

-What? That's nothing.

-Feels like nothing. It's the vibrating palm.

Two hours from now, you'll buy a hat, it won't suit you. Ow!

No way. Look at me. My hair is virtually a hat. All hats suit me.

-You'll see.

-Yeah, I will.

-Enjoy the show.

To the world of the Mighty Boosh!

# The Mighty Boosh! Come with us to the Mighty Boosh!

# The Mighty Boosh! Come with us to the Mighty Boosh! #

-All right?

-All right.

-Mrs Gideon ring for me?

As if she's gonna ring for you!

I mean, she might do.

-You're right. She thinks I'm an idiot.

-Hey, come on now.

There's plenty of reasons. Maybe she's trapped in a...cabinet.

-She's a sophisticated woman.

-People get trapped in them all the time.

Doctors, dentists, lawyers. Haven't you seen the show?

-# Captain Cabinet's trapped in cabinets! #

-Yes!

-She's over there.

-Oh, yeah.

-There she is.

Oh, sweet lady, with your face like a cream oval.

And your nose, like a delicious slope of cream.

Your ears like...cream flaps.

Your teeth, like hard, shiny pegs of cream.

GRINDING

-Do you mind?

-Hm?

-I'm doing a poem. About Mrs Gideon.

-Come on, Howard. You're going about it all the wrong way.

-What?

You ask her out, she says no and what do you do about it?

-You weep into her fish pond.

-How do you know?

-It's in all the papers!

"Man kills koi carp with human tears - Pages 4-44."

They interviewed a carp. Furious.

Oh, it was all salty. I'm fresh water.

Why don't you understand women? What do you think they like?

-Trumpets.

-Trumpets?

-Bookmarks.

-They like edgy characters!

-I've got edge.

-You're as edgy as a satsuma.

-I'm a crazy man. I'm a nut job.

I break through all boundaries. If I see a boundary, I eat it and wash it down with a cup of rules.

-'Moon! Come to my office right now! Thank you.'

-Run along, Dangermouse.

-No. I'll go in my own sweet time. They call me The Maverick.

-You're Fossil's bitch.

Who are you? T Bone Wilson?

-Leroy saw you dancing for Fossil in the moonlight in little blue pants.

-I don't dance for Fossil.

-He gave you coin, you gave him booty.

-Listen, I was playing Fossil like a pipe.

-Whatever.

I was putting a move on him.

As if your moves work.

-Nice hat.

-Thanks.

Yeah, I got the moves. No mistake.

-I'll go in my own time.

-'Moon, I won't tell you again, bitch!'

-I had to see him anyway!

MUSIC PLAYS

# I was walking down the street

# Concentratin' on trucking right

# I heard a dark voice beside of me

# And I looked round in a state of fright

# I saw four faces, one mad A brother from the gutter

# They looked me up and down a bit And turned to each other

# I say, I don't like cricket... #

-And that's why I don't like cricket.

-Was there anything else, Mr Fossil?

Oh, you know those guys with the little hands? With the big pockets?

With the little version of themselves in the front pocket?

-Kangaroo.

-Yeah!

-We can make them fight, make lots of money.

-That goes against every principle I aspire to.

-They shouldn't fight one another.

-Not one another, glossy dick - you!

Me? I'm not doing that. No way am I fighting a kangaroo.

Moon, how about I give you this cup? It's polystyrene.

-That's not gonna swing it, Mr Fossil.

-All right.

I didn't want to have to do this, but I have pictures of you, nude.

-I'll put them all over my body and run around the zoo.

-You can't!

Oh, yeah? I got a Xerox machine that says I can.

The fight's in two days, Moon!

Note to self: pocket cup.

-Hey!

-Hey.

-How did it go?

-Well, not great.

-What he wants me to do is fight a kangaroo.

-What?

-TO make money.

-A kangaroo?

-Yeah. Me, one on one.

-You'll get smashed!

-I know!

-The man's insane. The thing is... he has pictures of me naked.

-What?

-He's gonna put them up round the zoo.

-So?

-I'm not bothered, but...

-Who cares?

-It's embarrassing.

-We see pictures all the time. OH!

-Christ!

-What's the matter?

-What's that?!

-That's normal.

-You're a freak!

-What do you mean?

-I don't wanna see it live!

-Vince, look, it's just that!

-Get away!

-Vince!

-You're not right!

-Vince!

-Get away!

# Disfigured and alone

# Crawling in the shadows

# Must I live like a freak?

# Deformed, useless and embarrassed. #

Freak. Freak.

Mind if I sit down?

What am I gonna do?

Have you thought about joining the circus?

-Do something or we're in trouble.

-How are YOU in trouble?

-Mick Jagger didn't hang out with the Elephant Man!

-What do

-I

-do?

If Mrs Gideon finds out, it's over.

-What about if you fight the kangaroo?

-What?

-And beat it!

It'll be amazing. You'll be dangerous. Have edge. She'll be all over you like a flannel!

-That's a good plan.

-It's perfect.

-But how do I beat a kangaroo?

-I'll train you up.

-You?

-Yeah.

-You'll train me up?

-Yeah. I'm a Cockney bitch.

-What?

-A ragamuffin.

You're a French duke! You lie in hammocks eating soft cheese!

I'm a chimney sweep. All my family are into boxing. Even my auntie. She loves it.

My family are nutters. My uncle once punched a man so hard, his legs became trombones.

-The man had to leave the ring like this.

-TROMBONE NOISES

-Are you going to help me?

-Come on.

-What's this?

-I could only get one size.

-YOUR size.

-Carlos Santana wore these

-when he was training for Woodstock.

-They stink!

-Never mind that.

Let's check out your opponent. I've got kangaroo videos.

'A fully-grown kangaroo, if attacked, will use its hind legs to disembowel its prey...'

That's not true!

'An adult kangaroo can punch through solid steel...

'If a man fought a kangaroo, he would be immediately killed.'

This is not the video I was thinking of. This is the one.

# Skipper, the kangaroo! #

'Hey, Skipper, you all right, mate?

'Skipper, you psycho! Get off me! He's gone berserk! It's a bloodbath!

'I'm being disembowelled!'

Let's not concentrate on your opponent. Let's go to my uncle's gym. He knows all about boxing.

Come on, Carlos.

Look at this place.

Just as I remember. The old ropes.

All right, Ralph?

-Great. What do you reckon?

-Smells a bit funny.

-Funny?

-Musty.

That's the smell of brutish men, squirting out hot jets of man foam. That's my uncle up there.

Throw a net over him. Take him out to dinner. Right, don't kiss him.

Let me have a word. You wait here.

-Oi! No women in here!

-It's me - Vince!

Vincey! I thought I'd lost you forever.

It's nice to see you, but do that again and I'll rip your eyes out.

I'm gonna be a boxing trainer.

-Right.

-This guy's my star pupil.

-Let's have a look at him.

-He looks like a retard. When's the fight?

-Tomorrow night.

There's only one way to get this boy ready.

-Training montage!

-With music.

-Yeah!

-..Stop!

DRAMATIC TRAINING MONTAGE MUSIC

-Vincey, we've got a problem.

-What?

-This cup. I don't know what to do with it.

Sometimes I wish there was a kind of pocket cup someone could invent.

-What are we gonna do with Howard?

-He's hopeless, but I have an idea.

-Yeah?

-An old boxing trick. You build up his confidence by letting him beat a weaker opponent.

-Yeah?

-Nice.

-I'll go get someone.

-Great.

-Easy does it, Margaret!

-Hey, Howard.

-What's happening?

-We're down to the critical stages now.

-Right.

-Sparring.

-Sparring?

-Yeah.

-OK. Who do I fight? This guy?

-I don't think so. Too dangerous. That's Mickey the Fist.

-What about this fella?

-I don't think so.

-He's more my standard.

-Not really. That's Jimmy the Reach.

Right, OK. Who do I fight, then?

My uncle's found someone to match up exactly to your opponent.

YES!!

Stay down! Stay down, you little midget!

-Loser!

-Yes! Howard Moon! I rain down the pain! Monsoon Moon! Coming at you like a beam, a ray!

Like a laser! I'm quick, like lightning! I'm frightening! Oow!

-Want a piece of me now? You've got nothing!

-Nothing, eh?

-I'll have to teach you manners.

-Step into the painy season.

-Pardon?

-Painy/rainy. Get with the lingo.

-Listen, you hooligan.

I'm going to get you. You will feel my pugilistic rage upon your face. I always get my man.

-Whatever(!) Come on now. I've got the moves.

-Let's get out of here.

You've seen what's going on. You saw my boy. You saw the damage he did.

-See you later.

-You do know he's gonna die?

-Yeah.

-Monsoon Moon they call me. What about Thunderstorm Moon - a heavy shower of pain?

-Nice.

-Hailstone Howard?

-Good.

-Gideon!

-Tell her about the fight. Be cool. Don't be too eager.

-Yeah.

-Go on.

Hi, Mrs Gideon. Big fight tomorrow for me. Please come. Please.

-Cooler.

-Bitch.

-Not THAT cool!

-Nice bitch.

-I'll deal with this.

-Hey, Mrs Gideon.

-Hello, Vince.

-My boy there, I'm training him up.

-He's hot. Big fight tomorrow night. It's going to be exciting.

-Really?

-I can get you a ringside ticket.

-Well, I don't really like violence.

-All right.

-Just out of interest, what do you like?

-Trumpets.

-Trumpets?

-Trumpets and bookmarks.

-Right.

-Naboo, you gotta help me.

-Where are my kangaroo videos?

-I forgot them.

-That's a fine.

-A fine?

-Five Euros.

-You've got to help me with Howard.

-The Raging Bull?

-Demented Swan.

He's gonna get killed. Is there anything you can do?

What was that, you Jack of Clubs?! I said could you help me, not blow dust in my eyes!

It IS magic dust. Is he a muppet?

Howard, I've been thinking. I mean, you're a sensitive man.

Do you really want to be fighting? You're a pacifist. You're Britain's leading cream poet.

That's loser talk, Vince. The cream days are over. Gone off, curdled.

Yeah, I've got my edge back. I'm nobody's bitch no more. I'm Howard Moon. Monsoon Moon.

Tomorrow night I'm going to be fighting a vicious, vicious animal.

And it could kill me in an instant, but it's not going to because you trained me up.

You gave me that confidence, Vince. You believed in me.

I wouldn't be fighting tomorrow if it wasn't for you. Funny that. It's all down to you.

You. You. You.

You.

ABORIGINAL "SINGING"

BEATS OUT A RHYTHM

ADDS BASS LINE

# How do you gets to kill a 'roo? It's all you have to do

# How do you gets to kill a 'roo? It's all you have to do

# How do you gets to kill a 'roo? It's all you have to do

# How do you gets to kill a 'roo? It's all you have to do

# How do you gets to kill a 'roo? It's all you have to do

# How do you gets to kill a 'roo? It's all you have to do

-# How do you gets to kill a 'roo? It's all you have to do

-Got to know, got to know

# How do you gets to kill a 'roo? It's all you have to do. #

-Oh!

-Morning.

Oh, I had this really weird dream.

-Oh, yeah?

-Weird images. To do with the fight.

-Don't worry. Dreams don't mean anything.

Grapefruit?

-No.

-Eggs?

Didgeridoo?

-Come on, then. Get up. Let's get ready.

-All right.

-What are you going to be wearing?

-Why?

-Nothing outlandish.

-All right.

-I'm the star.

-Fine.

-OK?

-Hey, come on. You're the star. It'll be fine.

-What are you doing?

-What?

-I told you not to pull focus.

-Come on. No-one's looking at me.

-Can I have your autograph, please?

-Not now.

-I'm the fighter, tit box. ..All right, easy.

Welcome to the Zoo-niverse First Annual Shady Underground Boxing Competition!

In the crate, weighing in at 380 pounds...

after 212 kills, 147 disembowelments,

wanted in 18 countries for eating a man's face right off his skull,

the Antipodean killing machi-ine,

The Killeroo!

SCREECHES

-What's all that about?

-It's just hype. Wait until you hear your introduction. Come on.

And fighting the Killeroo, Howard Moon!

Former male prostitute.

With me here, ringside, is Joey Moose, our marsupial expert here.

-Joey, take it away.

-I'm very excited to be here, Mr Fossil. The kangaroo is a magnificent animal.

-Ow!

-Let's get you loosened up.

-Not so harsh.

-You have a knot.

-Easy.

And your referee today is Naboo, the shaman and kiosk vendor.

I want a good, clean fight. No biting, nothing below the tail.

Touch gloves. With the 'roo.

Looks like the bell's about to ring.

KILLEROO GRUNTS AND SQUEALS

Get in there! Slap him! What are you doing? Stop dancing. Move in.

Come on. Grab his fur! Go on, Howard!

Go on!

Come on, sit down. That was possibly the weakest start to a boxing match ever, but don't worry.

Dance around a bit, bob and weave. Keep him at bay with your jab.

-Punch him in the snout. Howard?

-Have you come about the croutons?

-Punch the big mouse.

-About to start Round Two.

-BELL RINGS

-Go on!

KILLEROO SCREECHES

He's down! He's down like a clown!

LATIN CHORAL SINGING

Moon is up! Oh, my God! How resilient is this?

-There's been a mix-up.

-What?

-I don't know anything about boxing.

-Huh?

-I'm a French duke.

-What about your uncle? He trained me up.

That wasn't my uncle. That's my uncle.

I don't care. It's gone too far. I'm Monsoon Moon and there's a painstormer brewing.

BELL RINGS

Moon is up against the ropes! He's being pummelled left and right. This is a real bloodbath.

Joey, stop eating those tomatoes. I can't believe what's going on.

He's going to eat his face off! I can't wait!

SCREECHES

ABORIGINAL MUSIC

The images... What do they mean? How do you kill a 'roo?

His balls, mate! Grab his flamin' balls!

-Oh, right.

-Christ, you're thick!

-AGONISED SCREECH

-Now, Howard!

Now!

Moon got a punch in! This is not supposed to happen! What's going on?

Gideon! Gideon!

Gideon!

Gideon! Howard Moon, Monsoon Moon, raining down the pain!

Whoo-hoo! Gideon!

-Gideon! Gideon!

-No! No!

Whoo!

-Hope you enjoyed the show. Powerful moves.

-Don't be ridiculous.

-You'd have got your head smashed off.

-Whatever. I came out on top.

I'm Howard Moon, Monsoon Moon, I...

I ALWAYS get my man.

Goodbye. It's all finished now. Go on, get away.

Sling your hook. It's all finished, all over.

What are you looking at? Get away!