Mutants The Mighty Boosh

Hi. My name's Howard Moon.

-This is Vince Noir.

-All right?

-This week - immortality.

Can a man live on after his own death? I'd like to think that I will be remembered years after my death.

-What for?

-For the things I say and do.

-For the things you say?!

-Mm.

-Like, "Have you seen my blue trousers?" "Can I have a crisp?"

-There are things I do that you know nothing about.

-What things?

Once a month, one euro goes out of my account and straight into a charity. Direct debit!

-That's how you'll be remembered?

-Yes.

-For euro generosity(!)

-Among other things.

-I don't need to be remembered cos I'll be in the future.

-How?

-Are you aware of cryogenics?

-I've heard people say it.

-Well, I'm having my head frozen

and then I'll put in a jar. 12,000 years from now, they'll revivify me and I'll be The Head In The Jar.

They'll wheel me out at ceremonies, consult me like an oracle.

-Why don't you get your whole body frozen?

-That's not the way it works in the future.

-It's just heads, floating about, consulting each other.

-Really? I'll get my hair frozen.

Then future generations can get it out and see what's possible.

-Where are my blue trousers?

-I gave them to Leroy.

-What did you give them to Leroy for?

-He took a shine to them.

-Don't give my trousers to people.

-If you've got a problem, take it up with Leroy.

-I will.

-Go on, then.

-Leroy!

-Welcome to the show.

To The Mighty Boosh.

-#

-The Mighty Boosh

-Come with us to The Mighty Boosh

-#

-The Mighty Boosh

-Come with us to The Mighty Boosh. #

MAN WHISTLES

GLASS SHATTERS

THUNDER CLAPS

Oh! THUD

Welcome to the Zoo-Niverse, where all your dreams come true...niverse.

I'm general manager Bob Fossil and I'm a human.

Now, our first stop today on the tour

is our largest animal in the zoo - a grey leg-face man.

-What?

-You know, the grey leg-face? He's got legs and another leg on his face.

-The elephant.

-Yeah, if you want to get technical, Mr Smarty-pants.

-There he is, right over there.

-I can't see him.

He's camouflaged. He's adapting to his natural environment. LOOK!

There he went! Oh, my God, you just missed him. Boy, is he fast?!

-Why aren't there any animals at the zoo, Mr Fossil?

-Well... why are you people so small, huh?

I can rest my drinks on your head.

I want my mummy.

Hey, let's sing a song, huh?

# Nicey, nicey, zoo, zoo For him and her and me and you. #

Everybody! # Nicey, nicey, zoo, zoo For him and her and me and you

# Nicey, nicey, zoo, zoo For him and her and me and you

# Nicey, nicey, zoo, zoo... #

Whoa!

Chin up.

Nice.

-Hey!

-Hey!

-How are you?

-All right.

-What are you up to?

I'm doing Bollo's portrait.

-I'm doing him as Caesar, what d'you reckon?

-Nice. You can do me next.

-I can't really do people.

-My face is a gift to any artist.

-It could be difficult.

-You could do me as a Greek god, fighter pilot.

-You're a bit generic-looking.

-How dare you!

-What are you saying about my face?

-Oh...I didn't mean it in a bad way.

-What way did you mean it?

-It could be good to be generic-looking.

-How?

-Spying...!

-Spying?!

Look at Bollo.

Look at his face, all the lines. Look at his weather-beaten mush.

Years in the jungle, the circus, that chat show he hosted...

-it's all there. You haven't done anything. Your head's like a man's thigh.

-What?!

There's such a thing as having too much going on in your face.

All a bit too busy. All the features jostling for position.

The eyes screaming out...the nose. It's very visually noisy, your face.

-"Visually noisy"?

-It's like a brass band under a wig marching towards me every day.

-Look at your face!

Pure ambient. It's like The Orb's third album.

-Take that back.

-Get some accessories.

-What?!

-Bring your face out.

-Get a pipe, a pink cowboy hat.

-"Bring my face out"?!

-Yeah.

-I should knock yours back a bit.

-R-RAR!

-All right.

-R-rar! Rar!

-Easy!

-It's all right.

-I don't need accessories, OK?

I'm Howard Moon - the man, the myth, the maverick.

-Hi, Vince!

-Hi!

Vince, have you seen my python?

Only he's not in his cage and I thought maybe he was here.

-Oh, hi!

-Slippery characters, the old snakes, aren't they?

That's a popular misconception. Snakes are dry.

-If you see him, his name's Tony. Let me know?!

-I'll bring him over.

-I didn't know you were a painter.

-I've got a BTEC National. I could do your portrait.

-Yeah, maybe.

-You're Head Of Reptiles, yeah? I could do you as Medusa with snakes for hair.

That sounds good.

-You can't do people.

-I'm branching out.

-Are you?

-Who are you?

Howard...Howard Moon. I work here.

-You're new.

-No. No, I've worked here for ten years.

-Part-time.

-Full-time. I see you every day, Mrs Gideon. It's me, it's Howard. Crazy Howard!

-OK.

-Well, I'll keep an eye out on the snakes for you.

If I see it, I'll let you know. I love snakes.

-I'm a big fan of the snake.

-You're scared of snakes.

-Shut your mouth!

I've got some great snake stories.

One got out of a local zoo, he went AWOL, ended up in a laundrette,

got into one of the tumble dryers and when they opened the dryer, they got him out and he was small.

He was really small...

-Anyway, if you see Tony, you let me know.

-Yeah.

-Having fun, are you?

-Yeah.

-Going to do a portrait, are you?

-Yeah.

-I might have a go at a nude.

-If you go near her with a paintbrush, I'll come at you like a mighty bazooka.

-I love that lady, OK?

-Listen...

-Don't start any funny business.

-Or else?

-You touch me and Bollo will rinse you out like a hot flannel.

Where is he?

-Bollo?

-Bollo?

-What's he doing?

KNOCKING

-Who the hell is that?

-Bobby Ba-ba, king of the doughnut people.

Get inside!

Hey! Wow!

This place is amazing.

DON'T touch that!

Hey, I got the animal you wanted.

Excellent! Get me another one.

We can't do that. I got them all. There aren't any more left.

Get me a person, then.

-A human person?!

-A human person.

Everybody's been bugging me about Joey Moose as it is.

-Who?

-The Australian keeper who disappeared in the reptile house.

Make something up. Tell them he got eaten by the python.

-The who?

-The wind-ey man. The long mover.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, Bainbridge, what are you up to in here?

I'd like to get involved in your shady operations.

If you can keep your mouth shut, you stand to make

about 100 euros, maybe more depending on the bureau de change.

-Wow!

-Take a look in there.

NO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO!

Who are you? How can I understand you?

PANTING

Shut that door, you idiot!

He got out.

I'll take care of it.

-I'll get him, Bainbridge.

-I'll get him. You smooth things over with the staff.

-Oh!

My nuts!

OK, people, bad news on two fronts.

First, our turnip shipment arrived 25 minutes late,

so consequently there will be no turnips for lunch.

AH! A-A-A-A-A-AH!

Second, Joey Moose, one of our most beloved zoo-keepers,

has been killed.

But the good news is, we found out who the culprit is.

-So who was it?

-It was the long mover.

-Who?

-You know, the wind-ey man.

-The python?!

-Yeah, we're going to hang him tonight.

-You can't hang a python.

-Of course you can, he's all neck!

-Who's with me?

-Oh, this is pathetic.

I run a safe reptile house. My python wouldn't do that.

Why, cos he gives you chocolates and kisses your lady lumps?

No, because my python couldn't kill Joey Moose. To kill a man, you need a snake with a bigger bite radius.

Well, bite my radius, ladius!

You've been a great crowd!

Fossil, you're an idiot!

-I resent that.

-Will anyone stand up to this man or are you all scared?

I stand with Mrs Gideon.

-Who are you?

-Howard Moon. We just spoke about ten minutes ago.

Anyone else?

-Where's the llama?

-He's lost.

-Where's the squid?

-Where's the what?

-Where's my frog?

-You smoked it.

-Oh, yeah.

-Where's the cow?

-Shut up!

-Where's Bollo?

-Stop IT! # Nicey, nicey, zoo, zoo... #

-GUNSHOT AH!

-Nothing to worry about. I'm sorting things out.

Where's all the animals going?

-I'll get to the bottom of this.

-You're out of your depth.

-You want a piece of me?

-You haven't got it to give.

-The reason I'm not coming at you now is because Vince is a delicate flower.

-He hates violence.

-Get him!

-And I've got flu.

I have flu, I'm feeling a bit run down. If it wasn't for that, I'd be on you like a powerful moss.

-You're pathetic, Moon.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Whenever you're ready.

-Right now.

Uh...now?

Right now.

What do you mean? ..Right now?

-Now?

-You and I, right now!

-If you want to go now...

-Let's go.

-..we can go now.

-Come on!

-Whenever you're ready.

-Mano a mano.

-I can pencil you in later.

-Grr!

-Next Tuesday's fine.

-Stop talking!

-Today?

-Right now!

-This morning?

-Oh, yes!

In this place here?

Now!

ANIMAL GRUNTS

Yeah! You'd better run. Don't mess with the power of the Moon.

-Try and capture that look, yeah? The one I gave Bainbridge before he ran away.

-What look?

You know - that mean look, yeah?

It's my signature look.

-I don't think he was running away from you.

-I think you'll find he was running away from something.

-That something was me. And my mean look.

-I'm not sure it was you.

-How's it coming on?

-It's almost there. Come and have a look.

-What do you reckon?

-Where's my face?

-What?

-Where's my face exactly?

There.

-Do you think you could make me look less like a balloon?

-What are you on about?

-There's nothing there.

-I paint what I see.

-And you see that, do you?

-Yeah.

-Do you like it?

-No. The background is OK, but there's a space where my face should be.

-That's not a space -

-that's your face.

-That is nothing. That doesn't look like anyone, OK?

-That is a featureless ball on top of a suit.

-Hi.

-Vince, Vince, you have to help me.

-Don't touch my hair.

-I need your help.

-Can I help?

-That's very good. It's just like him. ..You have an affinity with the animals.

-I'm pretty good, yeah.

-Who told you that?

-Everyone knows.

-I'm not a circus freak.

-I need your help. I need you to talk to the cobra.

-His tank is opposite the python's, and maybe he knows what happened!

-I don't get on that well with snakes.

I'm small monkeys and lizards.

-I understand, but can you try?

-All right - for you, I'll give it a go.

Thank you, Vince.

Can I touch your hair now?

Go on, then. Quickly.

I said you could touch it, not grab it.

I'll send him over and...

Something funny?

Something funny, is there?

HE TALKS "MYSTIC" NONSENSE

That's a good one!

-What's he saying?

-I'm just getting him loosened up.

-With some gags. Some stuff about rattlesnakes.

-What an amazing gift, isn't it?

Yeah. Well, yes, it is a gift.

I could talk to the cobra myself, but I chose not to.

I thought I'd let the little man have a go. I'm training him up.

I have a real sympatico with the snake.

-A real...

-It's good.

-I respect it and I love the way they move.

Oh, beautiful...

I sometimes feel very much like a snake myself sometimes.

You know the way they shed their skin... Sometimes, I'd like to take my skin off and writhe about.

That's disgusting.

I meant it like a metaphor for...

Still disgusting.

..identity.

-SNAKE: Speak English, fool.

-Sorry.

-Your face is confusing enough.

-All right!

-I need you to help me. You've got to tell me what you saw last night.

-I do something for you...

-You do something for me.

-What do you want?

-In India, I danced for the king. I want to dance again.

-Snake-charming.

-Yes...

Actually, we can make it a bit more modern, bring it up-to-date.

-Mix in some harsh, tasty beats - drum'n'bass style.

-Drum'n'bass.

What is drum'n'bass?

-Leave that to me. We're going to make a fortune. We could split the profits 50-50.

-60-40.

-What?

-Nothing, my pretty.

-Now, what do you want from me?

-What happened last night?

Look into my eyes...

All will be revealed...

It was Bainbridge.

-He took the python and Joey Moose.

-I knew it.

-Let's go and get him.

-Whoa, there, Mowgli.

You've done enough today. I'll track down Vince and Bainbridge.

This is a dangerous mission, but I'll do it. I may not come back from it. All I ask...

is that you remember me.

Who was that?

That's a filthy habit you've got.

Rosa. ..Where am I?

The idiot has awoken.

-Times have changed.

-What's going on?

Zoos are over. You see a rhino - big deal. You see a wolf - who cares?

You see a rhino with a wolf's head - that's a kind of twisted poetry.

-I have devised a method of splicing animals together.

-What's that got to do with me?

-Let me jog your memory.

Earlier this morning, you foolishly squared-up to me and asked me if I wanted a piece of you.

I'll take that piece now. The head to be precise!

-You can't have my head.

-Oh, I'm going to take your head and I'll splice it onto the body of a snake.

Thus.

Couldn't draw the face, but the rest is self-explanatory.

-You won't get away with this. I'll come after you. I'll hunt you down.

-Oh, really(?) I'd like to see that -

with the body of a snake and the balls of a chimp. Love to chat,

but I arranged to meet Max for a ploughman's. I'll be back in half an hour to splice you silly!

Yeah(?) Well, you'll never get away with this, Bainbridge. Joey Moose disappears - nobody cares.

Howard Moon disappears - you've got yourself a riot! There'll be crowds of people tearing this place apart

in a frenzy!

# ..Sitting in a tree

# K-i-s-s-i-n-g... #

SOOTHING HARP MUSIC

Can you keep still, you batty crease? What are you doing? I'm trying to do your portrait.

I can't help it. I'm having visions.

-They're coming thick and fast.

-What?! What visions?

-My shaman senses are tingling.

-What are you on about?

-I can see a shark with knees.

-What?

There's a bat with the face of a spider. There's something else.

My image has got Howard. He's in danger. We have to go and save him.

-Where is he?

-In a secret lab in the zoo.

-Where?

-The vision's fading. I can't see.

-It's coming back. ..Oh, no, that's athletics.

-Look, how am I going to find the secret lab?

The answer lies within your painting.

Oh.

Oh, right...secret lab.

Yeah. Cool. So...

that's where that is. You're there.

-It's over there!

-Oh, right! Excellent.

No...no.

NO!

-It's me, you idiot.

-NO!

-What?

-You've got something between your teeth.

-Oh, yeah... I had broccoli for lunch.

-Oh, right.

-So, how's it all going on your solo mission?

-It's going well.

-Yeah?

-Yeah. I followed Bainbridge

-to his secret lab. I broke in, I found Mrs Gideon's python. It's all sorted.

-Wow.

-Yeah.

-So it's all good, is it?

-Yeah. Great.

-How come you're lying down?

-Well, it was quite tiring.

-Right.

-How come you've strapped yourself in?

-I'm a restless sleeper.

-Well, you seem to be doing all right.

-I'll see.

-Vince, just get me out of here, will you? ..Vince! ..VINCE!

VINCE!

-Get me out of here.

-VINCE LAUGHS

-Something funny?

-You idiot. Never go on a solo mission again.

-Just get me out.

-..Hey, what's that?

-Don't look in there.

-What's going on in there?

-Don't look. There's some bad juju afoot.

Who's there?

Don't look at us! We are ashamed.

Who are you?

We are ugly. We are mutants.

Oh, shame!

-No, do not be ashamed.

-Oh?

-We're trained zoo keepers.

Come forwards.

Oh, you're grotesque.

-Aaah!

-Ooooh!

-Vince.

-Sorry.

-..Sorry about that. Please...do not be afraid.

Come forwards. Come into the light.

Further.

Split the difference.

Oooh.

-What ARE you?

-We don't know what we are.

-Are we postmen?

Shut up! ..We are mutant animals.

Dixon Bainbridge made us. He is the Lord.

He brings the pain and the heal.

We're going to give you something now - something that Bainbridge can never take away from you.

-We're going to give you your freedom.

-Oooh!

-Freedom?

What is freedom?

Freedom is a place... a place without bars...

-without keys...without locks... a place without...

-Cops?

-What?

-Are there cops?

Um, yes. It's not really about that.

-Is there bacon?

-It's not really about what there is and what there isn't. It's more of an abstract concept.

-What is bacon?

-Shut up! I am speaking to the five finger. I am the prettiest one here.

As you can see, I am the only one bright enough to speak.

Look, it's time for you to break free from the zoo now.

# Nicey, nicey, zoo, zoo You bring the pain and heal us, too

-# Nicey, nicey, zoo, zoo... #

-Shut up!

It's time for you to sing your own song now.

-It's time for you to march to the beat of your own drum.

-Who are YOU that would give us our freedom?

Who I am is not important.

-Oh, OK, then.

-Look, it's Howard Moon if you want to know.

-Hmm, Howie Moon?

-HOWARD Moon.

We're going to leave you now, but never forget...

it was Dixon Bainbridge who turned you into the hopeless race of despicable freaks that you are.

-ALL: Ooooh!

-See you, then.

-Take care.

-Single file.

-Is there bacon outside?

OK, Max. Bye.

Give my love to Cindy.

Stupid asshole.

Pucker up, Moon, it's SPLICING time!

-Surprise!

-Get back in your cages!

We will obey you no longer, Bainbridge.

Listen! I am your Lord! YOU will obey me!

Jigwhack, Airway, get in your cage!

Jim, Patrick, follow suit!

-What do you want?!

-Sign here, please.

Shut up! We want our freedom.

Freedom(?) Don't make me laugh! You're NOTHING!

Oh, we are much more than that.

-# We are the mutant race

-Don't look at my eyes or my face

-# We are the mutant people.

-Don't look at my eyes or my face... #

# I'm not a man I am a mutant

# You know that you can't stop me with your human skills

# Cos I got 9ft gills And I can breathe underwater

# And I can swing from a tree And I can do what I want to

# And I wanna be free - yeah!

# We are the mutant race Don't look at my eyes or my face

# We are the mutant people Don't look at my eyes or my face

# We are the mutant race

# You don't look alike me I don't look alike you

# We're gonna bust ourselves right out of this zoo. #

-There you go, Mrs Gideon. He's in there.

-Oh!

-Oh, I don't know what to say.

-Don't say anything. It was nothing.

-Oh, all right, then.

-Well, it was more than nothing - it was a dangerous, life-threatening mission.

-Oh, right. Thanks, Vince.

-That's all right.

-And thank you, too...

..Howard.

My pleasure.

This one's going out to the Cobra Massive.

MC Rogers - big it up now!

MC Corn Snake, DJ Gecko, DJ Spit-In-Your-Eye, DJ Venom - they're all here!

They're moving! Funk it!

The vibe is big...the room is small.

Yeah! Shed your skin.