Bollo The Mighty Boosh

-I'm Howard Moon, this is Vince Noir.

-All right?

This week, we're tackling the subject of death.

I know what you're thinking. Don't, as this will give me, as an actor,

a lot of room to stretch myself, dig deep, and bring out some of those darker truths we all share.

But it's not just Howard's boring acting.

There'll be music and outlandish special effects.

-Not as outlandish as they'd be if you hadn't spent the budget on your hair.

-My hair's part of this show!

Do you need 15 people working on it?

At least! Two for fringe, one for feathering,

-one for height, circumference...

-Circumference?

-Hair circumference.

If my barnet looked wrong, people would be furious.

You underestimate the power of my acting to hold a crowd.

-I don't need a funny hairdo.

-Council does YOUR hair!

The camera loves me, Vince.

-The camera loves ME.

-Just get off.

I'd like to just prepare you with a small speech from Hamlet. Thanks.

..Death, the undiscover'd country,

from whose bourn No traveller returns -

puzzles the will, and makes us rather bear those ills we have...

He'll be doing stuff like this throughout the show

so if you get bored, press the red button on your remote

and you'll see me dressed up as a hedgehog dancing away.

-What's going on?

-Nothing.

-Come on.

-Enjoy the show.

..To the world of The Mighty Boosh.

# Come with us to The Mighty Boosh

The Mighty Boosh

# Come with us to The Mighty Boosh. #

To die, to sleep;

To sleep, perchance to dream. Ay, there's the rub;

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come...

Can you quieten down? Bollo's not well.

You're freaking him out. He's got a fever.

Vince, death's nothing to be afraid of.

It's natural. It's important to be prepared, to face it with dignity and poise, be ready for it like me.

I'm ready for death. If Death comes knocking for me, I'll welcome him.

He'll knock thrice. "Come in," I'll say, "Sit yourself down.

-"Do want a cup of tea?"

-Tea? I imagine Death as a coffee drinker.

-I'd offer him a range of hot beverages.

-Even a latte?

-You bet.

-Whatever Death wants, Death gets.

-And if it's a hot day?

-I'd offer him a Frappuccino.

Magic. Do you get a small Italian biscuit too?

Don't be foolish. He's trying to loose weight.

It's a joke - he's a skeleton.

But he was a skeleton, the biscuits would crumble through his ribcage.

-AS DEATH:

-Ooh, crumble through.

-BOLLO WHEEZES

Look, don't get too close to the animals, Vince, cos they die.

It's the first rule of zoo keeping.

-What about you and Jack?

-What about me and Jack?

-We are acquaintances.

-Yeah.

-We got close - too close, some people said.

-There were rumours. I don't know what they were...

-It was that you were bumming him.

-Not true.

-It was that you were bumming him.

-I know the rumours - not true.

-The point is don't get too close to Bollo.

-All right.

He's on his way out. You're getting on my nerves.

-Is that what they say about me?

-No. You're the man round here.

-They're just rumours.

-See you later.

-See you.

-Hi, Jack?

-JACK: Get away from me, right?

Ah, good. Walk and talk with me. We see eye to eye, huh, you and me?

I'm your boss but your friend too.

But I'm not your wife but we have made violent love.

-Did I say that out loud?

-What do you want?

I have a problem. It's to do with the squashed-in Frenchman -

the naked, squashed-up, hairy boy.

You know, with the hand-feet, the brown little hand-foot man.

-The gorilla.

-Yeah! Wait, say that again.

-Gorilla.

-The old lady that sponsors the... TAPE:

-'Gorilla.'

-..is coming today,

and if she sees him knocking on death's door,

-she ain't going to pay me.

-What can I do about it?

-I want you to dress as a... TAPE:

-'Gorilla.'

Eat a banana, kick some hay.

-I'm not doing it. I'm a man.

-I knew that. Man.

I have dignity and poise, not a gorilla.

If you don't, all the animals will go poor and they won't be able to afford toboggans or sausages.

See you later, Mr Fossil.

It's just as well, Moon. You can't act anyway.

-What did you say?

-I said you can't act.

Get me an ape suit, bananas and a hot towel.

Come on, Bollo, you'll pull through.

Vince, my time is now. Death is near.

-I can sense him.

-Don't speak like that, Bollo.

Do not be afraid, my child.

-The important thing is that we had a good life.

-Yeah.

-Good times.

-Yeah, we had great times.

Great times, Bollo, great moments.

And they can't take those moments away from you.

Who can't?

The Moment Stealers? Something Howard used to say.

Vince, will you do me a favour when I'm dead?

Anything.

Find Howard, slap him in the face.

-VINCE LAUGHS The man's a fool.

-OK.

-Vince...

-Yeah?

-Your hair looks good today.

Thanks.

Yours looks good too. Not as good as mine - you have a few split ends.

But I could sort that out for you.

You are my friend, Vince.

Yeah.

-What are you doing?

-Oh, sorry!

-I thought you'd gone.

-Not quite yet.

Sorry.

I'm very sorry about that, old lady. Have a nice day.

Um...I do want that towel back.

What the hell was that all about?

What?! You wanted an ape, I gave you an ape.

-You threw your own crap at her!

-I'm a method actor.

When you hire me, you get three-dimensional truth nuggets.

Luckily the old lady wrote a cheque before your truth nuggets hit her.

Watch it, Moon, or I'll be all over you like a nun sandwich.

Yeah, you'd better believe I'm a good actor.

I've got the moves.

Can I help you?

Right.

Vince! I suddenly feel much better.

GUITAR MUSIC STARTS UP

# The sun is shining and you're feeling fine

# And the birds are singing in the trees. #

# Young girl, get out of my life

# My love for you is way out of line

# Run, girl

# Ah, you're much too young, girl

-# Ah, do-do-do... #

-Hello.

# Do-do, ah... # What is it, mate?

-Hi, where are we going?

-I'm taking you to Monkey Hell.

Sit back, relax and enjoy the view.

-Monkey Hell?

-Yeah, mate.

-There might have been a bit of a mistake.

Ha-ha! That's what they all say!

"Oh, there's been a mistake. I'm not ready to die." Just chill out.

Yeah... The thing is, I'm not a monkey.

I'm a man in a monkey suit.

Ha! Dear, oh dear. I've heard some excuses but that is priceless.

Oh, I don't believe this.

-TYRES SCREECH

-Sorry.

-Reaper to Colin.

-'Colin here.'

I've been a right flapjack and picked up the wrong geezer.

'Oh, not again, Phil.'

It weren't my fault. He's dressed as an ape in the ape enclosure.

'You'd better drop him off here.'

-OK, mate.

-'How's your Pauline?'

-OK. She's dead. How's your Pauline?

'Dead. She's all right though. She talks all day. Blah, blah...'

-OK, mate. Listen up. I'm taking you back to head office.

-Right.

This has put 40 minutes on my journey, you peanut.

Sorry.

All right, boys? Oi, Bobby, where's my tenner? Hey, Neville!

All right, Colin, how's your Pauline?

-She's OK. How's your Pauline?

-She's OK.

-Is this the geezer?

-This is him.

-Where are we?

-You're in Limbo, mate.

-Where's that?

-It's neither here nor there!

I'll make a few calls, see what I can do.

-Much appreciated.

-I'm a Cockney, I'm a Cockney.

-Have a seat, mate.

-So what's happening?

-We're waiting for a decision.

-On if I can go back?

-On if you go to Monkey Hell or Monkey Heaven.

-I'm not a monkey.

You're dead. I've already told you. Accept it. I'll make you a cuppa.

-Sugar?

-No, thanks. Actually, I'll have two. May as well.

-Four. Make it...eight. Sod it!

-OK, mate.

Death.

Nothingness.

Oblivion.

No more will I look upon my sweet friends.

-No more will I...

-Oi, you bony nonce!

-Oh, death.

-Between you and me, I'd pipe down.

Bit more of a sports crowd in here, know what I mean?

Anyway, it's not true what you were saying. Let me show you something.

This is the mirror of life. You can see anything in here.

-Have a look at your funeral if you want.

-Really?

-Oh, yeah.

Wow!

So many people!

Oh no, that's a Woodstock DVD. This is your funeral.

Wow.

So many people.

-ON VIDEO:

-'Anno Dominus vomitus'

erectus et ceterus.

We are gathered here today to bury Howard Moon.

We don't know how it happened.

-When he died, he was dressed as a...

-ON TAPE: 'Gorilla!'

Here to say a few words about him,

perhaps the closest person to him here at the Zoo-Niverse, Vince Noir.

-Hey, Vince, I'm a priest!

-Couldn't you get a real priest?

I didn't know how to get one. Hey, you got one of these, a Talkbox?

-A Talkbox?

-Yeah.

-No.

-Oh.

TALKBOX: 'Gorilla.'

-Give it to me.

-It's got all my words on it.

You can have it back at the end.

-(Talkbox.)

-BIRDS SQUAWK

Howard Moon was a good friend of mine. He was a passionate man.

-He liked to work closely with the animals. Too closely.

-Hear that?

FOX: Shut your face.

Howard's other passion was jazz.

He asked me to play Blue Train by John Coltrane at his funeral.

I couldn't really find that.

But I did find another song about a train.

MUSIC: Theme from Thomas The Tank Engine

MUSIC CONTINUES

REAPERS CHUCKLE BEHIND HOWARD

All right, lads, back to work.

-Do I get a phone call?

-You're dead.

-There must be something you can do.

I shouldn't really do this, but since there's been a mix-up,

-I'll give you a haunting.

-A haunting? What does that entail?

Anything you want, really. Some people visit their dear old mums.

Others frighten their enemies.

Some people pick up cups

and make them float around by their own volition. Woooooo!

Never understood that one myself.

I want to see my mate Vince.

-The geezer with the fabulous hair?

-Yeah.

-OK. It's a tricky procedure.

Get your limbs moving. Loosen up. Lovely.

Sort of dance. That's lovely. Grind your booty.

Bit more sexual. Pout a little bit. Bit more. Hey, boys!

REAPERS CHUCKLE

I've had it with you, you faceless motherf...

Bollo, Howard was always trying to get me to listen to jazz.

Now he's dead, I feel I want to give it a go.

I've got his old records here.

LOUD JAZZ SCREECHES OUT

Rubbish.

-SIMILAR TUNE PLAYS

-There's no way.

-TUNE PLAYS VERY BRIEFLY

-Smash it to bits.

GORILLA GRUNTS

-Vince Noir, it is I, Howard Moon.

-Howard!

-I thought you were dead.

-I AM dead, you idiot.

-What's happened to my records?

-Bollo smashed them up.

-Help me.

-Are you really a ghost?

-Yeah.

-Genius!

-What are you doing?

-I was putting my hand through you.

-We spent the budget on your hair.

-It IS looking good.

-We've got three minutes. Listen up. Pay attention.

-OK. Sorry.

-MOBILE RINGS

Hey, Leroy! How's it going?

Mental! It was a free bar. I stayed all night. You won't believe this.

Guess what's happened. Howard's haunting me! He died last week.

-Have a word. You've got to have a word.

-I haven't got time.

-Have a word! He doesn't believe me.

-Hello, Leroy, yeah. Keep the CDs.

-Yeah, thanks. Bye!

-I'll speak to you later on. Cheers!

Help me. I'm in Limbo. Get me out, or I'll go to Monkey Hell.

Are you really dead, Howard?

Yes. I know it's a shock, but death comes to us all. I'm not afraid.

It's the natural cycle.

We get old, lose our hair and die.

-But I've been taken before my time, Vince.

-What did you say?

That stuff about the hair?

-We lose our hair, we die.

-I've got to do something about this, Howard.

-Naboo will know what to do.

-Please! I'll be in Limbo.

SITAR PLAYS SOFTLY

Hey, Naboo.

-Who's this?

-That's Pete.

-Is he a shaman too?

No, he works in Dixons.

You've got to help me. Something really weird happened.

Howard came back. He said you lose your hair.

-That's true.

-I can't have that. Have you got any lotions or potions?

I've seen this. You're extracting the resin from its belly.

No, I just don't like this frog. I'm giving him a squeeze.

Now, this is Naboo's miracle wax.

It will make each follicle as strong as a horse's leg.

Brilliant. Thanks. You're a Peruvian genius.

I've also got to rescue Howard from Limbo.

-There's a mirror just there.

-Thanks, Naboo. I feel much better.

The thing is, what can I do about Howard?

Can you still get a discount on that digital camera?

No, but if you buy a 64MB card, you get a second one half price.

What about a scart to phono lead?

-I'll chuck one of those in.

-All right.

HE WHISTLES THROUGH HIS TEETH

WHISTLING STOPS

Oh my God! It's a floating cup!

Make it stop!

HE WAILS DRAMATICALLY

HE STARTS WHISTLING AGAIN

Welcome to the Mirror World!

-Who are you?

-I am Mr Susan, guardian of the mirrors. What do you seek, stranger?

-I'm just looking for my mate Howard. He's in Limbo.

-Ah, limbo bimbo.

One of these mirrors does lead to Limbo. You must choose wisely,

-for there are over 17 mirrors in the Mirror World.

-Mirror World?

-It's not really a mirror world, is it? It's more of a small room.

-What? Well, no,

it isn't large, but a mirror will make a room appear larger.

Anyway, you failed to take into account my mirror balls!

Look at them shine!

Look at them shine!

Look at them shine!

Look at them shine!

Oh! Look at them shinin'!

Oh, it's cold!

That's enough. Now, it is time to choose. But choose wisely,

for if you choose wrongly you will replace me here in the Mirror World

with nothing but your own reflection for company.

Sounds all right to me.

-What, staring at your own reflection forever?

-Sounds great.

If you look over there you can see your hair from every angle. How cool is that?

Ah, vanity. I too was vain like you.

Let me tell you the story of how I came to be in this mirrored prison.

I haven't got time for this, Freddy Fabrics. I've got to get to Limbo.

My name is Mr Susan, and now it is time for you to do the choosin'.

# Will it be this one here Will it be this one here

# Which one will you choose? Win or lose

# Choose one now Which one will it be?

# Which one will you choose? #

Oh, shit.

-Is this Limbo?

-Who are you?

-I've gotta find my mate Howard - tall moustache.

-Just missed him, mate.

-I've just taken him to Monkey Hell.

-Can you take me there?

-I've just come back from there!

-Colin, ain't there no-one else who can take him?

-Sorry mate, I'm understaffed as it is.

-I'm running a skeleton crew.

-THEY LAUGH

-This is you here, mate.

-Great, can you wait for us?

-I'll have to keep the meter running.

-I won't be long.

-You say that, but it's up to the head honcho.

-Who?

The Ape of Death.

Howard Moon, you are to be thrown into the pit of eternal fire...

for heinous crimes.

But Bollo led a clean life.

Yeah, but you bummed that fox.

That's just a rumour.

No smoke without fire, which incidentally, you'll be seeing quite a bit of from here on in.

BABOONS LAUGH

Everyone's a comedian down here(!)

-Shut your pie hole. Now prepare to die!

-Aren't I already dead?

Well...it hurts more the second time. Now prepare to be cast into the eternal flames.

Wait!

-Who are you?

-I'm Vince Noir. This is my mate. there's been a mix up. You can't burn him.

-Who will stop me?

I am.

Well, I appreciate the gesture, but a bit of a wasted journey that, wasn't it? Did you bring anything?

-Like a gun, or a fork?

-Enough!

Now you shall burn. You and your wife with the ridiculous hair.

-Have you seen yours? It's like split end central.

-Shut up.

-Look at it, it's auburn fuzz.

-Shut your gob.

-You look ridiculous. It's like a ginger ball bag.

Shut up I say! I've always had problems with my hair.

It's not curly, it's not straight, it's somewhere in between.

If I wash it, it becomes too dry.

If I leave it, it becomes too greasy.

I can't do a thing with it.

Listen, have you heard of products, straighteners, finishing gel?

Finishing gel?

What is finishing gel?

Where have you been? I could sort your hair out in six minutes.

Why didn't you tell me about this?

Davey, Nemo?

You could do this for me?

This is sheer liquid wonderment!

For this smashing gift I shall set you both free. Thank you.

Don't thank me.

Thank Naboo's Miracle Wax.

Look at me. I'm so confident

and feel strong and super sexy.

Hit it!

ROCK INTRO

# I'm the Ape of Death and I don't care

# Cos I'm a monkey with lovely hair

# It's all fluffy and shiny too

# Cos I got that Miracle Wax from Naboo

# Don't be cynical

# It's a follicle miracle

# I said don't be cynical

# I get waxin' lyrical

# He's the Ape of Death and he don't care

# Cos he's the monkey with the lovely hair

# It's all fluffy and shiny too

# Cos he got that Miracle Wax from Naboo

# Come on now!

# Oo-oo-ah-ah-yeah!

# One two three four

# I want you dead on the monkey floor

Look around My monkey hair

You can touch it I don't care

Used to be that I was ashamed

But now the monkey fluff is tamed

# Come on everybody Walk around my hair!

# Don't be cynical

# It's a follicle miracle

# I said don't be cynical

# We're waxin' lyrical Oh yeah! #

Moon, I thought you were dead.

-I rescued him from the Ape of Death.

-What do you want, a chocolate fruitcake. Get to work!

Never thought I'd miss him. It's good to be back.

-Yeah.

-It all worked out in the end.

-Everything's back to normal.

-The balance has been restored.

-I'll get you back for that cab as well.

-It's 110 euros.

-How much?

-We went to hell and back!

-Did you get a receipt?

-I forgot.

-I could have claimed that back.

Well, there you have it. I hope you enjoyed the show.

We have just enough time for me to squeeze in a small powerful speech.

Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;

And thus the native hue of resolution

Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,

And enterprises of great pitch and mom...

INDIAN MUSIC

Subtitles by BBC Broadcast - 2004

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