Tundra The Mighty Boosh

Hi, welcome to the show. My name's Vince Noir. And this is Howard Moon.

-Don't touch me.

-He's such a joker! He's always doing...

-I'm not joking.

Don't ever touch me. Not now, not ever.

-A-a-ah!

-A-a-ah!

-Don't touch me!

This week, we'll be going on a terrifying journey,

to distant lands, but we're also going on a different journey -

a journey into the depths of the human soul via my acting techniques.

Plus, in one of the scenes, I have the legs of a ram.

-Imagine that.

-That's not happening.

-What?!

-I rewrote that bit.

-That's the best bit!

-Yeah, but we thought about it and thought no.

-What do you mean "we"?!

-Me and Leroy had a little look-see.

-Leroy?!

-Yeah.

-Leroy's got no business messing with the scripts!

-What?!

-He works at the ice rink!

-Well, he brought a fresh pair of eyes to it!

-Did he?!

-A fresh perspective.

-He sells Slush Puppies!

-He rewrote it.

-Great(!)

-That's the way it's staying.

-Oh, right. But it was his idea!

-I can't do anything about it.

-I'm gonna ring him now.

-OK.

Enjoy the show.

To the world of the Mighty Boosh!

-# The Mighty Boosh!

-Come with us to the Mighty Boosh!

-# The Mighty Boosh!

-Come with us to the Mighty Boosh! #

OK, gather round. Now, Dickson Bainbridge,

the owner of the zoo and world-famous explorer,

will be returning from his travels today

to deliver a lecture on the Arctic tundra! Boy, are we lucky?!

Now, I want everybody to mind their Ps and Qs!

That means no effing and jeffing!

And I want you to look presentable! ..That means shoes, Naboo!

And hey, Kerouac! You ever heard of a comb?!

Get on it! Now, he'll be here any second.

I don't want you to rush up to us. We got a lot of business to cover.

We've been friends for years. He may try to kiss me on the cheek. Maybe the mouth.

I don't know how lucky I'll get. Here he comes! ..Get the gate!

Welcome, Bainbridge. On behalf... Ooh! Ooh!

That one in the bedroom. That one's got booze in it. Be careful.

What're you looking at?! We do this all the time!

Nice one, Bainbridge!

Get to work, all of you!

-I'm sick of this.

-What's wrong with you?

I'm a trained zookeeper and spend my day shovelling dung about!

-There is a lot of it.

-Where's it coming from?!

-Him.

Huh?! I only had one banana.

Where's the respect I'm due? That's what I wanna know.

-Come on!

-What?!

-You're getting tense again!

-Eh?!

-Calm down!

-What?

-You're like a brandy snap!

-That's my style.

-What, the brandy snap?!

-Yeah - the crunchy tube.

-Really? Look, come on - relax!

-I can't relax!

-Why?!

-Cos of him over there!

-Who?

-Dixon Bainbridge!

Look at him swanning around!

Not on its head.

That's beautiful, too.

"Ooh, I've been to the Arctic. Everyone's doing little dances!"

-He's a man of action.

-So am I!

-Really(?)

-Given the chance!

-Yeah, right(!)

-What's he got that I haven't got?

A moustache?

-What do you think this is I've got here?

-As if that's a moustache!

-That's a cappuccino stain.

-How dare you!

This is at least a mocha, OK? Don't be mocking my mocha.

-This is a month's hard grooming.

-A month?!

-Yeah.

-For that?! Useless.

Look at his! It's like a silver horseshoe.

Whatever.

I could do what Bainbridge does. Imagine the headlines. "Howard Moon, colon, Explorer."

-It's got a ring to it.

-"Colon Explorer"?

-You know what I mean!

-I think that's got the wrong ring to it...

-Listen! I need that break!

-Then I'd be out of here!

-What about me?!

-You could come with me and be my sidekick.

-Sidekick?!

-Yeah, you know - carry my bags and stuff.

-Get stuffed!

With the right training from me, you could do all right.

-I don't need training! I'm a gifted child. I can talk to animals.

-Yeah.

-I'm like Mowgli, the retro version.

I know - that's no secret. You're a gifted keeper, that's why I hired you, but... Look at me.

-I think you squander that gift.

-What do you mean?

-Do you really think the animals are interested in Gary Numan?

-I don't talk about him!

-You do!

-And you dress them up.

-I do not!

-You dressed the lion as Adam Ant!

-That wasn't me! HE did that!

-Did he? Did he do the epaulettes?

-The thing about Gary Numan...

-Don't! I'm not interested!

-Let me give you this one snippet.

-Not only is he a pop star - he has a pilot's licence. Imagine!

-Great(!)

-I've got a pilot's licence. Do I go on about it?!

-You haven't!

-I have.

-You haven't!

-I flew to work today.

-Yeah? You came with me on the tram.

-That wasn't me.

-What?

-That was my double.

-Double?

-Joycie.

-Joycie?

-Joycie Bulachek.

Who are you now, then? Howard or Joycie?

I don't even know that myself. That's the mystery.

-I've got a double.

-Why do you always have to have what I have?

-Tricia.

-You can't have a double just cos I have one!

-Can't I be Tricia?

-I'm doing the double stuff.

-Let Tricia come to life!

-APPLAUSE

-I fell off the mountain ledge, but my fall was broken by a wolf.

The wolf attacked me. But fortunately, I had a pistol hidden in my moustache.

I shot him, but he was only wounded.

-He took my hand.

-What? In marriage(?)

After fighting with the wolf, I set off to find the Egg of Mantumbi.

A sapphire as big as a schoolboy's head.

PHONE RINGS LOUDLY All right, you two beatniks!

What do you think this is?! A day at the races with Uncle Bobo?!

This is a real-live action man, with loads of action stories!

Now, listen up and fly right!

-Go ahead, pumpkin.

-It's all right, Fossil. Let them have their fun.

-I understand it took Howard Moon a month to grow that moustache.

-LAUGHTER

-Check the insect cabinet. I think we're one caterpillar short.

-LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Many have tried to find the Egg of Mantumbi, many have failed.

No-one has come so close as the famous explorer Biggie Shackleton.

It said that Biggie knew the exact whereabouts of the sacred egg,

and was within days of finding it, when, as legend has it,

he was frozen to death by a hideous icy bastard,

known to the locals as Black Frost.

FOSSIL: Wow! Frosty!

You said it, bitch. Up until now, the Egg of Mantumbi has eluded me.

But I shall return to the Arctic, not for the money or the fame,

but for Biggie Shackleton, whose icy encounter with Black Frost

left him crushed and lifeless, like crisps under bison.

I don't like to end on a down note. Here's a song.

# Turn around Every now and then

# I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round

BOTH: # Turn around, bright eyes!

# Every now and then I fall apart

# And I need you more tonight!

# And I need more than ever!

# And we'd only be making it right!

# We'll be holding on forever... #

-Cheers.

-He is pretty good, Bainbridge, isn't he?

-He's a genius.

-I can't believe you got sucked in!

-What d'you mean?

He goes to the Arctic, to find the Egg of Mantumbi, doesn't find it, comes back, everyone jumps around.

-What's your point?

-Well, if I went to the Arctic, I'd find the egg.

-Cos what I set out to do, I finish, sir.

-As if! You finish nothing!

What about last week? I asked you to get Hula Hoops. Where are they?!

-It's on my to-do list.

-When will you get them?

-This isn't about crisps!

-The point is if I went out there, I'd get it and bring it back.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Why don't we go?!

-I can't! I haven't got any means of getting there!

-Leave that to me.

-What?!

-I'll sort it out.

Hello? Is that Gary?

MUSIC: "Cars" by Gary Numan

Howard Moon's journal, day four.

Many men have searched for the Egg of Mantumbi, many have failed.

One man shall succeed, and I - Howard Moon - shall be that man.

VINCE LAUGHS

-Stop doing that!

-What?

-It's not funny!

-It's hilarious!

It isn't, OK?! Do it again, and I'll come at you like a buzzard!

-Come, now. Let's go.

-No.

-The egg's not round here.

Stop tugging my mink! I'm not going anywhere!

-The egg IS around here...

-Mink?! That's not PC! You're supposed to be a zookeeper!

This is the Arctic, Vince. Different rules apply out here. It's kill or be killed.

-What, by a mink?

-They get very big out here, the mink.

-This is just one mink. It's true.

-No way.

-I read a pamphlet.

-I once looked at a hedge. What's your point?

A mink pamphlet - Minky Monthly, with loads of them on the front.

-They said it takes about 90 mink to make a small ladies' glove.

-That's cos they're crap at sewing.

-THEY LAUGH

-Do you like that?

-That's good.

-But you should check out my icy wardrobe.

-What? The human Coke can?

-This is the glam rock ski suit.

The Arctic doesn't respect fashion, you know?

Never take the tundra lightly. It can drive a man insane.

-Know what it is about this place that can get to man?

-Not really.

-Look through here. What do you see?

-Nothing.

-Exactly - it's the nothingness.

The whiteness.

The endless...ness.

Stretching on beyond the human imagination.

Desolation of the soul!

Oh, my god!

# Ice floe, nowhere to go! Ice floe, nowhere to go!

# Lost in the blinding whiteness of the tundra! Check him out!

# They call him the true Arms in shot! In with the claw!

# Little Johnny Frostbite! Freezing you up and down

-# Coming in your tent In the pink light!

-Arctic death!

-Infinite night!

# I'm tundra boy cos I move like an Arctic lizard!

-# In a blizzard I disappear like a pipe dream!

-All that's left is a gleam!

# Boosh! Stronger than a moose! Don't lock your door We'll come through your roof!

# Take your mind off the flow cos the Boosh is loose and we're a little bit hard!

# Ice floe, nowhere to go! Ice floe, nowhere to go!

-# Lost in the blinding whiteness of the tundra!

-Ow-w-w-w! #

Yeah?

All right - proved your point in song format.

Maybe you'll take this place more seriously now.

Naboo? Naboo, are you in a trance?!

-No, I'm listening to Fleetwood Mac.

-Ah... Rumours?

Tusk. ..What do you want?

Howard Moon and his ugly girlfriend are missing. Where are they?!

-I don't know.

-Listen, Naboo. I know you're some kind of gypsy shaman.

-You can find them.

-I have a crystal ball, but what's in it for me?

-I don't know - a KitKat.

-Two KitKats.

-It's a deal.

-What's that?

-A blow-up crystal ball for the shaman who likes to travel.

Just...get on with it!

-They're in the Arctic tundra.

-Why have they gone there?

To look for the Egg of Mantumbi.

So long, gypsy!

-Why am I digging this hole?

-You're digging for fish, so we can eat.

I know, but why am I doing it? I put the tent up! Am I a pit pony? What are you doing?!

-I'm assessing the atmospherics...

-Really?

-..documenting the journey.

You're working - raising your body temperature.

It's harder for me to do nothing that it is for you to dig that hole.

HE MUMBLES TO HIMSELF

HE YELLS

-What's the matter?

-My reflection! I'm all blue! I look disgusting!

-It's not you!

-What?!

-A man's frozen under the ice!

-Thank god! I thought it was me!

-You know who this is?

-No.

-It's Biggie Shackleton. We found him.

-I

-found him!

-We're a team, though.

-Oh, yeah.

-Vince... You know what happened to him, don't you?

-Was he frozen?

It's a bit worse than that. This is the work of the Black Frost.

-Who is this Black Frost?

-Old Eskimo legend.

Tells of a terrible frost that descends in an instant.

It can freeze a man in a second. You try to scream, you can't. Black Frost freezes it in mid-air.

Aa-agh... All jutting out your mouth in an icy tangle.

-Howard... All this stuff coming out of his mouth!

-Yes.

-These shapes!

They're his last words - frozen in time! We found them!

-I

-found them!

-Stop saying that!

-Oh, yeah, yeah!

-We're a team!

Can you dig out his words? I'll put the stove on.

-Have a cup of tea(!) I'll dig...

-No! We're gonna defrost the last words of Biggie Shackleton.

I'm just gonna do my journal. ..Howard Moon's journal, day six.

I've just found the last words of Biggie Shackleton.

I found them - me, on my own. Vince was asleep at the time.

Must wake him to tell him the good news.

The scientific breakthrough of the century.

-Yeah.

-Pass me the first of his last words.

-Get off!

-Getting them in the right order.

-We're not playing Scrabble! Come on!

-That's the first one.

WATER HISSES ECHOED: Egg of Mantumbi...

-It's working!

-It's about the egg!

-Give me the next one.

-OK, that's it.

ECHOED: ..can be found...

-"Can be found"!

-I know!

-He has a funny voice!

-He was being frozen as he said it! Give me the next one!

-That one.

ECHOED: ..in the cave of...

-The Egg of Mantumbi...

-Can be found...

-In the cave of... This it!

-This is the last one!

OK...

-ECHOED VOICE, MOBILE PHONE RINGS DROWNING OUT WHAT IS SAID

-No!

-Howard...

-Piss off!

-Howard, it's freezing out here.

-Get used to it! You're on night watch!

-Night watch?

-Yeah. The Arctic is a dangerous place.

Whatever you do, don't fall asleep.

GROWLING

Oh!

As you know, Howard and Vince have disappeared.

There were great keepers, and will be difficult to replace.

But we must try.

Now, what qualifications do you two feel you have to work at the zoo?

Er...er...

When a young kitten, and he in the bag,

-and I make a mango and I flat him out!

-Yeah!

-HE LAUGHS

-And they go and away and fly!

-Do you have any paperwork?

-Er...

-That's my own mail! All right...

-Hey!

-Hey!

-Hey!

Great.

HE SINGS INCOHERENTLY

Beautiful. You start Monday. Congratulations.

All right, let's get to work.

-Calla-mano.

-Calla-mano, yeah.

-Top Shop.

-Top Shop.

-Yeah, that's great.

-Nice tie.

-Top Shop.

-No... He didn't get that at Top Shop.

-Top Shop.

-Top Shop.

-Get outta here! I gotta work!

-Top Shop.

-Are you still here?!

Oh... Vince? Come on, Vince. Put the kettle on, will you?

Stop sulking!

Vince?

Vince?!

Oh, God! Vince, what've I done?! Taken by a polar bear!

It's all my fault!

Vince? Vince?!

HAPPY MUSIC PLAYS

Day 12.

Vince dead. All is lost.

So alone.

Wind my only friend.

-WIND ECHOES: I hate you.

-Shut up, wind!

Shut up!

Vince?

Vince, is that you?!

DEEP VOICE: Look deep into the parka!

-What?

-Look deep into the parka! There are many things in here! Things you could never dream of.

-Like what?

-Rubies.

-I've dreamt of rubies.

Lesbian ham?

I'm not interested in your stupid dreams!

My friend is dead! I'm staying here to die. Leave me alone!

Look deep into the parka and show me what you dream of.

The egg!

Do you like Gary Numan?

-DEEP AND ECHOED: Who?

-He's a pop star, but he's got a pilot's licence. Imagine that.

WOLF HOWLS

I'd better look for Howard. I'm worried about him.

So, um... I've had a really good time.

It's been great, and I'll probably see you around.

Hold me.

What?

Nothing.

-Did you say, "Hold me"?

-No.

We worked at the zoo together. He could talk to animals.

He said he was Mowgli in flares, but you don't know who he is.

-HE SIGHS

-Shame. He was a brave man.

Well... Not so much brave, really, as stupid. Didn't really understand the seriousness of the situation.

That is an interesting story. But now we must eat.

Dine with us and try the local delicacy.

RETCHING

Yeah... I'm not actually that hungry.

We will be very offended if you do not eat with us.

I'm sure I could try a little bit.

Mmm.

Ah, here comes the food now. Sandwiches - my favourite.

Somebody clean this sick away.

The time for eating has passed. Tie up the prisoner.

-What's going on?!

-You are to be sacrificed.

-Why?!

-You planned to steal something!

-Steal what?!

We are the keepers of the Egg of Mantumbi.

I'm just passing through. I'm not interested in the egg!

-The explain this!

-'Can't wait to get my hands on the Egg of Mantumbi.'

That's not me. 'Then I - Howard Moon - will be rich and famous.'

-Now we must summon Lugaro.

-Who?!

-The Black Frost.

Don't kill me! I've got so much to give!

-It's me!

-Vince!

-Shh!

-You're alive!

-(Yeah.)

-What about the polar bear?

-We just got on!

-With a polar bear?

-Well, we just clicked! Come on!

Vince, Vince, Vince! Vince, Vince! The egg!

-It's so close! Oh, come on!

-Yeah!

-Yeah?

-But what about them?

-They're in a trance. They'll never know.

THEY CHANT

ALARM BLARES

So this is it, Vince.

Yeah.

So close, yet so far.

-What are you last words gonna be?

-What do you mean?

When Black Frost freezes you. What are your last words gonna be?

I'll probably just do some poetry. Something from my seventies period.

-Yeah.

-You know.

-What about you?

-I'll probably just swear my tits off.

That's a good idea.

Ah...

-Howard?

-Hmm?

-I don't wanna die.

-Hey... Come on, little man.

It's gonna be all right.

-Is it?

-Not really.

In fact, we're gonna be frozen in the most horrific way possible,

-but we had good times, yeah?

-Yeah.

-Remember the zoo?

-Yeah.

-Remember the sticklebacks?

-Yeah.

Stickleback, stickleback, stickleback, bourgeois.

Kresky in the bingo hall! Running like a china horse!

THEY CHANT

-THEY LAUGH

-Yeah.

Vince...

This is difficult for me, but I feel as though I should say this.

I love you, Vince.

-VINCE SNIGGERS

-What're you doing?

-Nothing.

-Are you laughing?!

-No.

-You better not be laughing at me now!

-I said I love you! Don't laugh!

-You made me.

-How humiliating!

-You caught me off guard!

-Really?

-Yeah, it was out of the blue.

-I said I love you and you laughed!

-I love you!

-You don't!

-I do!

-You're saying that cos I said it!

-No, I love you!

-You don't!

-What a touching scene.

-Bainbridge!

-I'll just take that, have a piss, and be off.

ALARM BLARES, IT BEEPS OFF

-Are you gonna untie us?

-Oh, no.

The thing is, I find you two repulsive.

Bye-bye.

MANIACAL LAUGHTER

RAVE MUSIC PLAYS

Now, listen here, you icy bastard! Let's set some ground rules!

THEY SCREAM, RAVE MUSIC CONTINUES, THEN SUDDENLY STOPS

GROWLING

Ooh, crikey!

I'm having them.

"I thawed myself out using the heat stored in my moustache," says Dixon Bainbridge, man of action.

-Yeah, yeah. Did you get me those Hula Hoops?

-No, I didn't.

-When will you?!

-Later, OK! Listen!

"I killed a whale and, using its jawbone, fashioned a sledge which took me to Reykjavik."

-Can I have the money? I'll get them myself.

-I haven't got the money!

-I gave it to you!

-I invested it!

LAUGHTER And so, the moral of the story is, never look...

HUMMING

# It's cold outside

# And I wonder what I'm doing in a place like this... #

Aw-w-w.