Jungle The Mighty Boosh

-Hi, welcome to the show. My name's Howard Moon. This is Vince Noir.

-Hi.

This week we tackle "heroes". What is a hero?

Who is a hero? Am I a hero?

-No way!

-That's a question we're gonna be tackling in the show.

-Can anyone really BE a hero in the modern world?

-Mick Jagger.

-Yeah, I'm talking about REAL heroes.

-HE'S a real hero. A monkey genius!

-I mean people like Livingstone.

-Who?

Explorers. People who went deep into the heart of darkness, yeah, to confront the terrifying abyss.

-What would Jagger do, confronted by the abyss?

-Probably go like this...

Enjoy the show.

Come with us now on a journey through time and space...

to the world of the Mighty Boosh.

-Can I squirt for a bit?

-No.

You buff, I squirt. That's how it works. I've been here longer. Go on.

-You're in a right mood. What's wrong wi' you?

-Zoo's falling apart.

Never used to be like this. Not when Tommy ran the zoo.

# Tommy

# Where you go?

# Tommy Where you go, where you go?

# Where are you now, Tommy? #

-He's dead.

-He's not dead.

-He is.

-He fell in the ocelot pit, everyone knows that.

-They never found a body.

-Never found? They munched him down

-like an old Twix.

-I find that difficult to believe. Tommy was one of the greatest zookeepers ever. No?

-Ocelots were no match for Tommy. He was a great man! A powerful, a handsome man.

-Handsome?

-Yeah.

-I've seen footage - big, wide head!

-Yeah.

-Short, stocky legs.

-That was the look in the mid to late '50s.

-The barrel head?

-All the rage. Women swooned when Tommy shuffled in. Different aesthetic then.

None o' your fashionable androgyny in Tommy's day. A man's man. I mean, look at you.

Feather-cut, pointy features - put you in the '50s, you'd be imprisoned as a witch. Locked in a trunk.

-This IS the Mod style.

-You're not a Mod!

-I'm KING of the Mods. I'm getting into the Mod scene.

-Check this guy out.

-Who's that berk?

Uber-Mod. Look at his hair.

-It's over a metre tall.

-That's good?

-Yeah. I reckon I could take his title.

With enough cheap whiz and a powerful hairdryer, I could beat that.

Start off in Europe, yeah, take that title, then BANG, worldwide. Whoa!

-It'll be enormous, block the sun. You'll be living in the shadows.

-Are you ill?

-Tommy hated Mods.

-Thought he might.

-They enraged him on sight.

-Yeah, I thought they might.

-Yeah, cos he was a Rocker. Yeah?

-Was he(?)

He'd go down Brighton at weekends, and if he saw any Mods, he'd run at 'em. Head-butt 'em off the scooter.

-"Rockabilly Rhino".

-Sounds like the work of a violent dwarf.

-He did have violent episodes, true, but between those episodes there was a calmer side to Tommy.

-Oh?

-A flip side.

-Yeah.

-Tommy was a dreamer.

We all dream. But do we really DREAM?

Yeah, we do.

Yeah, but do we REALLY dream?

-Yeah, we do. What's your point?

-Point is, Tommy was a dreamer. He had many dreams,

dreams about this place, Vince. He once dreamed about a zoo so small it could fit inside a key.

Not his best dream, OK. He had others - that was Tommy's gift.

He could move from dream to dream to dream like the dream-skipper.

-Did he eat a lot of cheese?

-..Yeah. A little bit too much, actually.

-Yeah, he had a problem with calcium build-up.

-That why his head...?

-Yes.

-Well, whatever, he's dead. So...

-He's not dead!

-What?

-He's alive.

-He's dead.

-He's alive and guiding me. I can sense him.

-Guiding you(!)

-Yeah.

-Guiding you where?

-About my business, thank you very much.

-About your business(?)

-Yeah.

-You've gone wrong. You've gone wrong in your mind tank.

-What you on about?

-You gotta accept it, Howard,

-we all die.

-We all die.

-But do we really DIE?

-What IS that?

-A thing Tommy taught me. Never stop questioning the nature of reality.

-I know you're questioning reality,

-but are you REALLY questioning it?

-Now you're getting it.

-I AM getting it...

-but am I REALLY getting it?

-That's enough, now.

-It IS enough.

But is it REALLY enough?

'This is a staff announcement!

'You are all fired, so pack up and ship out! Good day!'

-What's going on, Mr Fossil?

-Bainbridge is selling the zoo, Moon.

-What d'you mean?

-What part don't you get? Bainbridge, sell, zoo.

They're building a road over it. And I'm gonna go to Miami and take up golf!

-Bainbridge can't sell the zoo.

-Yeah? Why can't he?

-I'll tell you why.

-Because of Tommy.

-What do you know about Tommy?

-Tommy's dead.

-They never found his body. So under zoo regulation 409, subsection C, he's still the owner,

and you can't sell it. ..Thanks.

Yeah? Let me show you something.

This is a contract. It says Tommy owned the zoo but, "in the event of his disappearance", after ten years,

it reverts to Bainbridge! Suck on THAT subsection!

Right.

BEEP! Note to self. I hate whites.

Hey, Naboo, how are you?

-I can't believe Bainbridge is selling the zoo.

-He's a ball-bag.

What'll YOU do? You'll probably be OK, a shaman. Pretty specialist job.

-I might transform myself into a mighty hawk.

-A what?

-(Mighty hawk.)

-(Wow!)

-Either that or work in Dixon's, I haven't decided.

-That's a tough call.

-What about you?

-Well, I AM King of the Mods,

so I'll probably put a Parka on and walk about like that, chewing gum.

Aw, it's a shame, though. I love this place. Gonna miss it.

Well, when the lion roars and the wind blows,

-who knows what might happen?

-What?

(Sorry.)

EERIE MUSIC

Aluman-basso!

Hey, Naboo... Naboo?

SUSPENSEFUL INCIDENTAL JUNGLE DRUMBEATS

DRUM STOPS

DRUMBEATS...

STOP

DRUMBEATS...

STOP

ETC

DRUMBEATS...

-FADE

-Aha! Don't take me on, I'm King of the Mods.

Put me through to Dixon Bainbridge...

I don't know how to dial... Thank you.

PHONE RINGS

-Dixon Bainbridge.

-Hello, Ba-Bainbridge? It's Bobby-Bob-Bob.

-I'm busy, Fossil. Is there a problem with the sale of the zoo?

-No, that's all fine and dandy.

But Howard's been asking questions about Tommy.

You listen! If you catch Moon sniffing around that Jungle Room, do what we did last time.

-What, ride in a pickup truck and beat up midgets?

-No, lock him in there!

-The place is crawling with wolves. He'll be dead by dawn.

-Oh, yeah, right.

-Good day, sir.

-Are you wearing any pants?

-I said good day, sir!

-ROAR!

-Come on, rhino!

DOVE COOS

THEY SIGH

-So this is it.

-Yeah.

-Crazy times we've had here, eh?

-Mmm... D'you remember my first day?

-Yeah.

-Aw, it was brilliant. You took me out of school, said GCSEs weren't important.

I remember I was on frogs. There was a newt involved. I didn't know WHAT was happening. Started trembling.

-Never tremble with a newt.

-Exactly!

-It'll change its sex.

-I didn't know.

-You taught me that.

-Yep.

-Remember when that llama got out?

-Oh, yeah.

-He went AWOL. Went crazy! Started hoofing the public. Remember?

-Mmm.

Out there hoofing doctors, hoofing vicars! He got in the gift shop,

put a false moustache on. Little girl, "Can I have a pencil top?" HOOH! Hoofed her out the shop.

-Aw! No-one could get near that llama.

-Mmm.

But YOU, you got off with it.

Yeah. It's one of the few ways to calm a llama down.

-# Calm a llama down

-Calm a llama

-deep down

# In the ocean blue like a barnacle Sitting in a tight place

# Laughin' like a monkey I'm pullin' like a China boy

# Caraway, caraway, caraway Noise, boing, chicka! Masala boing chicka!

# Masala o-o-oh!

# Tooth! Tooth! Fffft! #

-Ahh...

-Mmm...

-Ah, well.

I got you something.

-Little gift, there.

-Aw!

-A little something, memento. So when you look at that, you'll...think of me.

-What did you get me?

-Er...

Oh, um...

Oh! I got you this.

EERIE MUSIC

-Where did you get this?!

-I didn't STEAL it.

-Where did you find it?!

-Outside the old Jungle Room.

-The old Jungle Room?

-Yeah.

-It's Tommy's.

-So?

-D'you see what this means?

-No.

-Jungle Room shut down ten years ago. Tommy disappeared ten years ago. This necklace found there.

Shut ten years. Tommy, ten years ago. Necklace.

-Tommy - Jungle Room.

-No!

-Alive. We gotta get him. Only he can stop the sale of the zoo! LET'S GO!

CREAK!

JUNGLY SQUAWKS AND CROAKS

Hey, how's it going?

-What are you wearing?

-What?

-You can't come in the jungle dressed like that.

-Like what?

-Like a Camden leisure pirate.

-I'm King of the Mods.

-We're in a rainforest.

-So? I might have to do a benefit for some

-pine cones.

-The forest is no respecter of fashion, Vince.

-Really(?)

-Yes. Look at this.

-Check out what I've got going on here. OK, this is my look, yeah? Forest casual.

-What?

-Forest casual,

-for leafy gents.

-What's this?

-Get off my juju beads.

-Juju beads.

-They're Sugar Puffs.

-Shut up! This is my look.

-You look like a knob.

Yeah? We'll see who survives here. Little pimp!

-This is ridiculous. I mean, we're lost. How are we ever gonna find our way back to the zoo?

-Don't worry.

Tommy taught me an efficient system of jungle navigation. Ever since we set off,

I've been leaving a trail of sweets.

-So we can retrace our steps, don't you worry.

-How can we find Tommy?!

Just calm down. I've got it under control. You gotta be at one with this place.

Hmmm? You gotta get with the bracken, move with the moss. Gotta speak the forest's language.

FOREIGN-SOUNDING CHANT

-I don't think the forest likes what you were saying.

-Just that one tree!

-Having fun(?)

-EERIE HOWLS

-What was that?!

-Owls.

-What, pretending to be wolves?

-They're very good mimics.

-What?

-Don't worry about wolves, OK? I know how to deal with 'em.

-If a wolf approaches, simply punch it on the nose.

-That's sharks, isn't it?

-Works for any animal.

-Something Tommy taught me. He had a lot of wisdom in his head.

-It was big enough.

-Don't bad-mouth my hero.

-Will you ever shut up about Tommy?

-Don't you understand anything?

We're here to find him, rescue him, bring him back.

Did you love him?

You say one more thing about Tommy and you're on your own here.

Did you kiss him?

WOLFISH HOWLS

Howard!

Grrr!

Ben Sherman, arrrrr...

CRUNCH!

Howard?

RIFF ECHOES

-Who are YOU?

-I go by many names.

Well, what are they, then?

I'm getting round to that in my own good mystical time.

Some call me Shatoon,

Bringer of Corn.

Others call me Mickey Nine,

the Dreamweaver.

Some call me Photoshop.

Others call me Trinoon, the Boiler...

..Some call me Marjorie Kiek,

others call me Captain Ma...

..others call me RRRRubbidy-Bubbidy.

-Look, I haven't really got time for this.

-Oi!

-Are you gonna tell me your real name or not?

My name is Rudi.

Rudi Van de Sanio, jazz-fusion guitarist.

-You are searching for something, yes?

-Yeah! How do you know?

-I know all things.

-Basically, I'm looking for my mate H...

-Do not tell me!

Perhaps what you seek is inside yourself.

-No, it's not.

-Damn, that usually works.

Well, then, let us see what is behind the Door of Kukundu!

CLICK

CREAK

Oo-oof!

Ah! The scared pipe. This is what you seek, yes?

-It's not this. I'm basically looking for my mate Howard.

-I told you not to tell me!

-Your friend is dead.

-What?

-Eaten by wolves.

-By what?

Wolves.

Oh...there's your pipe.

Thanks anyway.

-Wait! You have passed the test.

-What test?

The pipe test.

-HARP STRINGS

-Most men would have taken the pipe,

for it is worth well over 35 euros. But you have an honest heart,

you brought it back to me, so I will help you. Your friend is NOT dead.

-He is alive, but he is deep in the centre of the Jungle Room.

-Can you take me there?

I cannot take you the whole way, for it is far too dangerous.

But I can take you some of the way.

Come, hop upon my small section of Woodstock.

Great!

Let the journey commence!

TRUNDLY CLUNKS

-Is that it?

-I can go no further.

-Oh, great(!)

-Do not be afraid,

pretty lady. If you are in danger, play this simple tune and I will come to your aid.

DOO-DI-DOO!

Wow. Thanks, Rudi.

-You've been great. I dunno what to say.

-Don't say anything.

Simply kiss my balls.

-I'm not doing that.

-You have passed the test.

-What test?

The ball test. Most men would have kissed my balls,

-for they are worth...

-Bye.

-Good luck!

Hello, stranger. You look weary from your travels.

Come, sit down and warm yourself by the fire.

Thank you.

Only two kinds of people venture this far into the depths of the jungle -

a fool...

-or an idiot.

-Well, if risking life and limb to rescue a great man makes me a fool, then call me a fool.

-Well, fool...

-Thanks.

-..this person must be very important to you.

-He IS important.

He's my mentor.

He's my hero.

Maybe this hero is closer than you think...Howard Moon.

-How d'you know my name?

-I thought you would recognise my voice.

-Oh, my God -

-Alan Holdsworth!

-No, numb-nut!

It is I, Tommy!

Tommy!

Whoa, now! Whoa!

What's happening THERE?

Howard?

WOLF HOWLS

DOO-DI-DAH!

-OK, mate?

-Where's Rudi?

-What, the geezer with the afro?

-Yeah.

-Aw, no, this happens all the time!

You've blown the wrong tune, ain't you? He's on doo-di-DOO, I'm on doo-di-DAH. Should get it changed.

-Losing a lot of business.

-What do you do?

-I'm a locksmith.

-Um, you haven't seen my mate Howard, have you?

Kind of tall, scruffy hair,

-small eyes like a crab.

-I have, as it happens. Through there, talking to a geezer with a big head.

-Cheers!

-Thanks, mate. See ya later!

-Don't be blowing that wrong number again, eh?

What, I walk home, do I(?)

Brilliant(!)

I have survived only by eating cheese.

And as the saying goes, you are what you eat.

And I am freaking cheese!

CACKLY LAUGH I have built up

an enormous fatty deposit about my face, much like a camel. But you can barely notice.

Tommy, we must get you back. Only you can stop the sale of the zoo.

RUSTLE

-Hey, Howard.

-ARGH! A Mod!

-Stop it. Stop it!

-What are you doing?

-I am a Rocker, he is a Mod!

-We are mortal enemies!

-This is a friend of mine.

-Oh. Sorry.

-Who's this yellow lunatic?

-Vince, this is Tommy.

-I found him.

-I thought you said he was handsome.

-Shhh!

That's OK, Howard. The Mod is right,

I haven't aged well. But let me tell you something.

Beauty is but skin deep, my pointy friend.

-Get ready for some Tommy magic. Here comes the wisdom.

-Yes,

my face is hideous to behold,

but when I dance,

oh-h-h, how my beauty shines forth

AND LIGHTS UP THE JUNGLE!

# Cheese is a kind of meat A tasty yellow beef

# I milk it from my teat But I try to be discreet

# Oo-ooh, cheese! Oo-ooh, cheese... #

-Is that your hero?

-Yeah, he's gone a bit wrong.

I'm gonna stick with Jagger.

BEATBOX

-# Oh! Cheese is very sweet...! #

-Tommy, that's enough, now.

-Come join me.

-No. This isn't a time for dancing, OK? We've a long journey ahead.

-Fools!

-I know how to get out of the jungle instantly!

-How?

-Gather round.

I will reveal all.

Come closer.

-Not you, Fire. ..I leave this jungle every night.

-How?

Through the dreams that come with cheese!

Mmm! I'm skiing in France!

I-I'm flying a boat! I'm turning tricks in Chad! CHEESE DREAMS!

-I'm off my ever-loving tits!

-Come on, Baby Bel.

WOLVES HOWL # Cheese is a kind of meat...! #

Stop...stop!

I can't go on any further.

I am too old. WOLVES HOWL

-You and your wife must go on without me.

-But we're nearly there. We gotta get you back, stop the sale, Tommy.

-I am slowing you down, and the wolves are getting closer. You must go on alone.

-C'mon, Howard, let's go.

I'm not leaving him. Go back without him, and it's all been for nothing.

-Howard, I have a plan to save the zoo.

-What plan?

-First,

you must kill me.

I can't do that.

-I could do that.

-D'you mind(?) This is a poignant moment between me and my hero.

Listen! Howard, remember the first thing I taught you?

-That dolphins are evil.

-No, the other thing.

-We all die.

-We all die

but do we REALLY die?

Perhaps even in death I can save the zoo.

But you must help me,

Howard Moon.

-I think I understand.

-You do understand.

But do you REALLY understand?

Yeah.

Now YOU must be the hero

and do what must be done.

-Have you got anything bigger?

-No, sorry.

Ow! Argh! ARGH!

PAINED CRIES

Ow! A little to the left. Ow! NO...!

AA-aa-ahh, ooh, nice!

Ah! Oh, not again!

Ye-es! Ah! Oh, you're killing me! AAAOW! That's good! Ow...!

-Have you done it?

-Yeah, he's in here.

-Don't prod him.

-How will it help?

-Don't worry, little man, I've got a plan. This bag of cheesy gratings

will save the zoo. I'm the hero now.

-Really.

-Yeah. We need to get back before the wolves arrive. Come on.

-WOLVES HOWL

-Have you got another plan?

-Er, punch 'em on the nose...? I'm gonna be down here weeping.

I don't wanna die! I've so much to give!

-Howard.

-What?

I think it's gonna be all right.

-Look.

-Mod wolves.

-Yeah.

And I'm King o' the Mods.

ANGELIC CHORDS

MOOG INTRO STARTS

See ya!

-It's locked!

-Don't worry. Leave it to me. Check this out.

DOO-DI-DAH!

-Oh, no, not you again, mate! I told you, I'm a locksmith.

-Yeah.

-Can you open this?

-Fair enough!

-Whoa. Where's my fee?

-Er...

you can have this pipe. It's worth over 35 euros.

-OK. Here you go, cock.

-What's this?

Your change.

Animals may come and go, roads go on forever. Here's to Tarmac

-and here's to me!

-Can you just sign, please?

-All right, all right! ..Pen.

Here, Bainbridge. You just gotta click the end like this. Clickety-click.

-Clickety...

-I know how it works(!)

THUD >

-Wait!

-What the hump are you two doing here?

-Thought you might want some cheese to go with your wine.

-I HATE cheese!

-I'm partial to a bit of cheese.

-I love cheese!

Mmm!

-Cracker?

-I don't use them. Quite meaty - what is it?

-Tommyzola

-What?

Tommyzola. A kind of jungle cheese.

-Superb!

-Can you please just sign the document? We have a lot to do this afternoon.

-I will sign.

-Good!

-But will I REALLY sign?

-What? Look, d'you want to sell the zoo or not?

I do want to sell the zoo

-but do I REALLY want to sell the zoo?

-This is ludicrous.

-This IS ludicrous,

-but is it REALLY ludicrous?

-We're leaving now.

-You are leaving, but are you REALLY leaving?

-Bainbridge, you're acting crazy.

-I am acting crazy.

-But am I REALLY acting crazy?

-It's the end of the show, Bainbridge.

-It IS the end of the show,

but is it REALLY the...

Subtitles by E Kane BBC Broadcast - 2004

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