Charlie The Mighty Boosh

-Hi, welcome to the show. My name's Howard Moon. He's Vince Noir.

-Hiya.

We've got a treat for you, a special friend of MINE,

-an actor, a great actor, who's agreed to play a part within the show.

-Not Simon McFarnaby?

Yes, Simon McFarnaby, one of the foremost exponents of devised theatre in the country.

-You only get him in cos you think he going to put you in one of his "devised" pieces.

-He might do that.

-I don't think so.

-He's not working so I thought I'd get him in the show.

-I wonder why(?)

-What do you mean?

-He looks a bit weird. He's wooden.

-He looks like a conker.

-No, he doesn't.

He's here now. Do you mind?

Simon McFarnaby.

Hi.

-How are you?

-I'm well.

-You're looking great.

-Thanks.

-Are you working much at the moment?

-Bit quiet at the moment.

-I've got something lined up for the autumn.

-Really.

-Bet you have.

-Hmm?

So, I just want to say that it's great to have you on the show,

great to be working with you, really looking forward to working with you,

-and just working and being with you.

-Thanks. I'll go and get Wanda.

-OK.

-Why don't you go and put your head in some vinegar?

-What?

He's just mucking around.

-Oh, right, OK.

-All right. See you.

-What are you doing?

-What?

-Get off!

Enjoy the show.

Simon, Simon...

..to the world of the Mighty Boosh!

Come on, Howard, put some energy into it. Get involved.

I'm carrying a bucket of seed. How am I meant to get involved in that?

Best job in the zoo. Millet distribution.

-Shoosh!

-There's something wrong with you, you know that, don't you?

-What do you mean?

-You're always happy. Everything's fun. Huh?

You see a peanut, the day's off to a good start.

You witness some soil, it's a jamboree.

-I need something more.

-I think it's this poncho.

It's impossible to be unhappy in a poncho.

I'm going to get a sombrero as well. Imagine that. Poncho-sombrero combo.

I'll be off my tits on happiness. You should get one.

Takes more than a Mexican outfit and some seed distribution to make me happy.

You know, Vince, this zoo's too small for me.

I'm a man of grand designs.

I need something to stimulate my mind cogs. Know what I'm gonna be?

-What?

-I'm gonna be a writer.

As if you're gonna be a writer! You haven't even got a pen.

-You don't need a pen to be a writer, Vince.

-I think you do.

-Yeah.

-I'm a deep thinker. I'm going to be a novelist.

-I write novels.

-What?

-The Charlie books.

-The Charlie books?

-Yeah.

-That pink shape you draw?

Yeah, Charlie.

Charlie is genius. He's made from a million pieces of old bubble gum!

Imagine that!

In the summer of 1976, on his way home from an Alice Cooper concert,

Charlie started to melt onto the pavement.

It was too hot in LA and he melted like a pink bitch.

Luckily though, there was Eric Philips, a local crocodile,

who dabbled in black magic.

He took pity on Charlie and scraped him of the floor with a pair of fish slices.

He poured him into an antique soup ladle

and boarded his magic carpet...

Ha-ha! Hold on tight, Charlie!

..destination Alaska.

Eric Philips decided to refreeze Charlie,

but in his cold-blooded, reptilian haste,

he refroze him into the shape of a Hoover.

I wasn't thinking!

Charlie wasn't fazed, though.

He just zoomed about the place, sucking up Inuits.

The Inuits didn't mind. They loved it in Charlie's tight, warm belly pouch.

-They refused to come out.

-That's cool!

-He set fire to a posh hammer to make it official.

-I appear to be on fire!

The downside was that the Inuits suffocated immediately.

It was airtight there. Charlie fired the Inuit bullets

-into Eric's crocodile pupils.

-After all I did for you!

The green shape was frozen.

After a quick drink, Charlie stole Eric Philips' magic carpet

and left for Seattle.

Charlie was racked with guilt.

He'd killed 50 Inuits. No-one needs that.

He decided to spend the rest of his life

putting small hairstyles onto boots, monkey nuts, trumpets and spanners.

That's not a novel. That's the scribblings of a retard, Vince.

They're novelettes.

It's in crayon, you berk!

-So what? I'm new school.

-New school?

-Yeah.

-I'm talking about books that'll get published.

-I publish mine myself.

You photocopy them and leave them in supermarkets inside Weetabix boxes.

That's not published, is it, huh?

I want to deal with real people, real issues, real characters.

-Charlie's real.

-Will you shut up about Charlie?

-He's not real.

-He IS real.

-Stop saying that.

-You're scared of Charlie.

-I'm not!

-Why are you scared?

-I'm not!

-You don't need to be scared of him.

-I'm NOT scared of him.

-Charlie's always been here.

-What?

-He's always been with us.

-Shut up!

-Stop it. You know I don't like him.

-He likes you. What's your problem?

-What do you mean?

-He thinks you're funny.

-Funny?

-Yeah.

-I'm not.

-Know what he does?

-I'm serious.

He comes round when you're asleep, watches you, leans over your bed...

-Shut up about Charlie.

-You can't handle Charlie.

-Shut up!

Have a look at techno-mouse, see how he's doing.

RAVE MUSIC

-He's freaking out, Howard.

-Why, what's wrong with him?

-A gram of speed and two microdots.

-Get him in the ambient hutch, quick!

AMBIENT MUSIC

Drink some water.

Ah, I'll tell you what, Vince.

When I'm famous, I'll be out of this zoo,

mixing with high society, living the highlife.

-What about me?

-Well, I'd bring you along with me.

-Yeah?

-You could come along with me.

-Cool.

-As a writer, I'd want to focus on the act of writing.

-Yeah, yeah.

-I wouldn't want to expend energy on mundane tasks like laundry.

-No way.

You could do it for me. That would help me out.

-Get stuffed! I'm not doing that.

-You could make tea for me,

and hand me pens, as and when I need them.

-What, like a caddy?

-You'd like that, wouldn't you?

-No.

-You would. You could follow at a discreet distance

and if I have an idea, you could whip out a Biro...

-I'm not doing that.

-..carry a pencil case on wheels,

just behind me, wear a little chequered suit, funny hat.

I don't wear chequered suits.

-I thought you liked dressing up.

-Yeah, in ponchos.

-The offer's there.

Thanks a lot(!) I'm going to lunch now.

Are you coming?

No, no, I've got to do some reading.

You mean you're going to spy on Gideon?

-No, I've got to do some research for my novel.

-Really?

-Yeah.

You should be careful. She's already put in a complaint.

See you later, Speedy Gonzales.

What are you doing, Moon?

-Just reading.

-Yeah? I got a problem with the black and white people at the zoo.

-Who?

-The black-eyed Chinese people that eat sticks.

-The pandas.

Oh, I'm Howard Moon! I know how to read!

I know all the animals' names at the zoo.

Yeah, the pandas.

-What's the problem?

-Well, apparently,

and this is on the QT, Bainbridge told me that when the man panda kisses the lady panda,

they invent new baby pandas,

-and everybody comes from all over and gives us money.

-That's breeding.

-Yeah, I know!

-Hump time!

-It's notoriously difficult to get pandas to breed in captivity.

I thought you'd know that.

Yeah, but I got a plan, dingus!

The man panda won't kiss the lady panda, right?

So I want you to dress up as the man panda,

start coming on to the lady...

# La-da-da-da-da-da-da-da! #

Make the man panda all jealous.

He moves in - boom!

Babies all over the place.

That is possibly the most obscene,

disgusting, dangerous, humiliating and potentially dangerous thing I've ever heard you say.

Thanks, dude!

No man should ever, ever be made to dress as a panda.

Why am I doing this, exactly?

Cos you've got a way with the animals, Vince.

-I look ridiculous.

-You look great.

-I don't look anything like a panda.

-Pandas are short-sighted. That's the beauty of MY scheme.

-What do I do?

You get in the panda lodge with Chi-Chi, dance about erotically,

-make Fu-Fu jealous, bang!

-And when Fu-Fu's jealous?

-Knock on the door and I'll let you out.

-What'll you be doing?

-I'll be here.

-Spying on Gideon?

No, having my lunch.

Howard.

Howard! Howard!

Oh, hi there, Mrs Gideon.

Who are you?

Howard Moon. I work here at the zoo.

-Why have you got crumbs round your eyes?

-Oh, that's just...

Me and Vince have been playing a game - crumb-eye.

We have to get crumbs in each other's eyes.

And, um... The winner gets a rake.

-That's a good book. I like that.

-Have you read it?

-Oh, yeah!

Yeah, twice. I've read it once in the original, and then in the paperback.

Really related to Jonathan. I thought he was great.

The serial killer?

Yeah, I mean, as much as, you know, we can all relate to...to a killer.

-We've all killed in our minds.

-What are you talking about?

Well, as a writer, it's, um...

it's something that I... I have to do.

I have to get involved in the darker side of the human psyche.

-You're a writer?

-Oh, yeah, yeah. Big time. Big time. Love to write.

It's like a compulsion for me. The written word is like a drug.

If you cut me, I bleed ink.

I wrote that - one of the things I've written.

-Are you a friend of Vince's?

-Yeah!

-Yes, he's a very nice boy.

LAUGHTER, SLOW MUSIC PLAYS

-What's going on here?

-What? We're just making him jealous.

-He's jealous now. Let's go!

-There's no way!

She's not interested in him. He's a brute. He takes and takes!

-There's no way they'll get it on.

-OK, Vince. He's jealous now.

-Just let nature take its course.

-No! He's not stealing the glory! I put all the ground work in!

-Ground work?!

-Yeah!

-Come on...

-Get off! We have chemistry!

-What are you looking at?! ..I'm ring you in the week.

-Sorry.

TYPEWRITER CLICKS

STRONG WIND BLOWS

WIND IS NO LONGER HEARD

-LAUGHS TO HIMSELF

-Oh, dear...

WIND IS HEARD AGAIN

WIND STOPS AGAIN

WIND IS BACK

WIND STOPS, COMES BACK, THEN STOPS AGAIN

Do you mind?!

-WIND BRIEFLY COMES BACK

-It was pretty good, though.

-It sounded exactly like the wind.

-Yes, it blew a gale through my mind.

-I can do other elements.

-Yeah? Can you do fog?

Howard? ..Howard?

Howard?

Howard? ..Howard?!

Howard? Howard?

Howard? ..Howard?

-Howard? Howard? Howard?

-This better be good!

You know the black bits in bananas? Are they tarantula's eggs?

Please don't speak to me ever again in your life!

-What's your novel about?

-HE SIGHS

A genius who can't work, because a monkey keeps annoying him.

-You've made a classic error.

-Have I(?)

-You've focussed in on the wrong character.

Now... The monkey, I'm loving him. But the other guy, I'm getting nothing off him.

-He sounds like a dick.

-Well, Mrs Gideon didn't think so.

-Mrs Gideon?!

-Yeah.

-I knew this was what this was about!

-What?!

-You're so transparent. This is only cos you know she likes writers.

-I'm not. I've always been a writer.

-Have you?

-Yeah. She's interested in me, cos I'm an intellectual and she's intellectual.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

When we get together, Vince... It's inevitable, but when we do, it'll be incredible.

Poetry evenings every night, we'll both have pipes,

wrestling with the heavyweight intellectual issues of the day.

Oh, that sounds dreadful! I like thick girls. Girls who like bright colours, dancing, soft fabrics.

-Don't you want an equal?

-Yeah! So how much have you done, then?

-Well, it's coming on.

-Yeah?

-Yeah. It's not really about quantity, when it comes to the modern novel.

-It's more quality of prose.

-How much have you done?

-One sentence, but it's...

-What?! One sentence?!

I fail to see what's funny about that. It's a damn good sentence.

-I'll send it to Hamilton Cork, see what he thinks.

-Who?!

-The publisher - Hamilton Cork. I'll send him this sentence.

-I don't think he'll be interested.

No, that's his philosophy. He can tell with one sentence whether to publish a book or not.

And I'm gonna send him this. I want you to read it.

-Oh, I'm all right.

-Have a look.

-I'm a bit busy...

-Look at it!

-I don't really want to!

-Why?!

-I'm not in the mood.

Just look at it! Don't be stupid!

-You know what you're like!

-What?

-You can't take criticism.

Don't be stupid! Go on - read it. Tell me what you think.

-That's really good. It's great.

-Yeah?

The only thing I would say...

He's a lunatic! Absolutely nut box!

I can't believe it! He's got anger problems.

He should go and see Naboo. Naboo'll sort it out.

Naboo's great. He'd sort anything out.

See you later.

Do you mind? I've got some private zoo business.

ORIENTAL MUSIC PLAYS

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hello?

-Howard Moon?

-Yeah?

-It is I - Hamilton Cork.

I have read your sentence. It was an absolute tour de force!

You're going to be published and be a famous writer.

KNOCK ON DOOR

-Hello?

-Howard Moon?

-Yeah?

-It is I - Hamilton Cork.

I'm looking for Vince Noir.

-I'm Vince.

-I found one of your Charlie books in some Weetabix.

It's an absolute tour de force! It's going to be published, and you'll be a famous writer!

Wow!

-This is the dream, yeah?

-No, the other one was.

-VOICE ECHOES:

-NO-O-O-O-O-O!

Yes.

-You have a problem with jealousy.

-What do you mean?

-I think you're jealous of Vince.

-Why would I be jealous?!

He's successful, he has great hair. He's a great writer.

-What have you got to offer?

-I'M a writer!

-I haven't seen much evidence of that.

-Well, I've got writer's block!

-Cos you're very angry. You can't take criticism.

-Everyone's saying that!

CALM MUSIC PLAYS Now, what I want you to do,

-is look at the picture of the kittens in a barrel.

-Yeah.

-They're having a great time. They're all happy.

-Ha-ha.

-The one on the left's Philip.

-Philip...

-Look at Philip's eyes.

-He's got little eyes.

-Whenever you're feeling angry,

-look at Philip...

-Look at his face!

..and your anger will recede like an ocean.

-HE SIGHS

-Thanks, Naboo.

-That'll be 159 euros.

-159...?!

-CALM MUSIC RETURNS

-Aw...

Look at his little face.

-Hey...

-Hey!

-How's it going?

-Good. What're you doing with my pipe?

I just borrowed it. I'm going to a party, and you've not been invited.

CALM MUSIC RETURNS

-Yeah, that's fine. What party?

-It's just a writer's party.

Dixon Bainbridge's organised it. Hamilton Cork will be there. Apparently, I'm gonna be famous.

-CALM MUSIC RETURNS

-Oh, I'm really pleased for you.

It's a nightmare! Gideon's all over me! She keeps coming round, making me little pastries!

-CALM MUSIC

-Ow! Yeah, I'm cool with that.

-I'm not interested in Gideon.

-Keep away from her.

-OK.

-You swear?

-I swear.

-Swear on Jagger.

INTRO TO: "Satisfaction" by Rolling Stones

Oh, come on, Howard!

-Oh!

-It's gonna be all right. I've been thinking - what if you come to the party with me, yeah?

-Hamilton Cork hasn't seen your sentence.

-Yeah.

-I could put in a word for you. If he likes it, we could both be writers.

-Good idea.

-How cool will that be?

-I'm not invited, though.

-Don't worry. I've got a way we can sneak you in.

Pencil...!

HB, please.

-Who should I make it out to?

-To Jackie.

-Cool.

-This is a 2B.

-So?

-I asked for an HB. This is WAY too soft.

-OK.

-It's gonna crumble in Jackie's bag.

-There. Don't push it, OK?

-Pipe, sir?

-I'm fine. I've got a pipe.

A little larger?

-No, I'm fine with this one, all right? Yeah?

-Shh.

Remember the kittens.

Relax... Calm, like an ocean.

-How are they working out for you?

-Yeah, they're working fine.

-If you want something more powerful, I've got an otter in a bib.

-I'm fine.

Vince! Great to see you!

-This book'll really put our zoo on the map.

-Bainbridge.

This is Vince right here.

Vince. Great book. Excellent!

-Corky!

-Bainbridge! Ho-ho!

When was it last? Krakatoa, '62. We stayed on an extra day to watch the hanging.

Yes. God, she struggled! It was as if she didn't want to die!

-Great wedding.

-Yah, yah, yah.

-Could I have a quiet word?

-Hmm.

Oi, Baudelaire.

-Come on.

-What?

-You having fun?

-Yeah.

-I'm not. When you going to get me in with the big cheese-cutter?

-OK.

-I'm just waiting for the right moment.

-Let's move it.

-You got your sentence?

-Yeah.

-Let's go.

-I talked ages with Jack... Ah, Vince.

-Hey!

-My mate Howard is a writer too.

-What do YOU want?

Well, I understand that you can decide whether you want to publish a book or not from the first sentence.

-Yes, that's true.

-We used to call him One-Sentence-Cork.

-Well, I've got a sentence. I'd like you to read it.

-If it's only a sentence, I can give it a look.

-Uh...it's not about golf, is it?

-THEY CHUCKLE

No.

-Right, have you got your kitten picture?

-No, I've dropped it.

-I'll go and look for it.

-Howard...

-Yeah?

-This is...

superb.

What?

-Well, it's excellent.

-Is it?

Hmm.

-Oh. So...you like it, then?

-Yes, yes, I do.

Oh.

You sure?

-Mmm.

-Anything else to add to that?

No, no.

Well, there is just one...

-Oh, sorry!

-Fossil, get him out of here.

Gideon! I didn't mean to do that. I just... I'm sorry!

Gideon! Gideon! I love you!

-Gideon!

-Just punched a filly in the face.

-Quite a day for you, Vince?

-Yeah.

-We just want to talk you through... a few minor editorial changes.

-What changes?

-The name.

-But he's called Charlie.

-No, the author's name.

Less Vince Noir, more Dixon Bainbridge.

-But then everyone will think you wrote it.

-You catch on fast, fool.

-You can't do that.

Can I not? Did you copyright it?

-I photocopied it.

-You prick! Get rid of him, Fossil.

When Charlie finds out about this, he's gonna be furious. He'll come for you.

He thinks Charlie's real. This guy's priceless. Good day, sir.

-You're in a Hubba Bubba nightmare.

-Good day, sir!

Well done, Bainbridge - your first novel.

-I didn't know you had it in you.

-One doesn't like to blow one's own pipe.

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

# My darling gum, my darling gum My bubble gum

# My darling gum, my darling gum My bubble gum

# My darling gum, my darling gum My bubble gum

# My darling gum, my darling gum My bubble gum...

# Bursting your bubble Like a Hubba Bubba nightmare

# Pink, thick goo Fill me, do me justice

# Pink, thick goo Fill me, do me justice

# Wrapping around your heart Round your ribcage

# Round your heart, your mind, Your soul

# Bursting your bubble Like a Hubba Bubba nightmare

# Bursting your bubble Like a Hubba Bubba nightmare! #

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

Can't believe it. Mrs Gideon getting off with that panda like that.

Yeah.

-What went wrong?

-You did punch her in the face.

-Yeah, I suppose so.

-You idiot!

-I don't know what you're so happy about, it's your panda she went off with.

-Ah, well.

-You lose your panda, you lose the book deal, you're still happy as a bean.

-It's this poncho.

I can't believe it. It's impossible to be unhappy in a poncho.

Don't worry, Howard. I've got a surprise for you.

-Check this out!

-Great(!)

-Come on.

It's not working.

Give it a couple of minutes.

LIVELY MUSIC PLAYS

-Hi, I hope you enjoyed the show tonight...

-Hi. I'm really impressed with your work,

and I wondered if you'd be interested in being in my devised piece about sleepwalking.

-It's called Autumn Magnets and I think you'd be ideal for the lead role.

-What's happening?

-I'm very impressed with Vince's work.

-Really?

-I'm going to be in Autumn Magnets.

-I'm very proud.

-It will be...

-Listen, I invited you on the show out of kindness,

-so what do you think you're playing at, you conker-headed berk?

-Don't mess with me - 29-er.

It will be Equity minimum, but the per diems are very, very good...

Subtitles by BBC Broadcast 2004

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