Electro The Mighty Boosh


Electro

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Transcript


LineFromTo

Hi! Welcome to the show. My name's Howard Moon and this is Vince Noir.

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-DEEP VOICE:

-Hello!

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Sorry.

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This week we're going to be tackling the subject of fame.

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When Lady Fame comes a'knocking on your door, you've gotta be quick to open it, or else she's away.

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-As if!

-She only knocks once.

-She knocks at my house all the time,

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banging on the door. I go to Tesco, she's hanging on to my cords.

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That's not Lady Fame, is it?

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-That's Mrs Pelham. She talks to mushrooms.

-It's not. It's Lady Fame.

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Lady Fame wouldn't shop at Tesco's. She'd shop at Marks, if anything.

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She goes to Marks for her bits. She doesn't do her main shop there.

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-Maybe we should talk about this another time.

-OK.

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-Yeah.

-See you later.

-See you later, chewy teeth.

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Enjoy the show.

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UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC

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Hey, Howard! Howard?

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Small eyes!

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He's in a trance. A jazz trance. Every day he does this. It's a delicate procedure getting him out.

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Agh! Oh!

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-Don't do that ever!

-Why?

-Never do that to a man in a jazz trance.

-Why?

-I could have a heart attack.

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I was deep in the juju then.

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Why don't you try doing some work?

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I'm going to get round to my work. This is my early morning procedure.

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-I listen to my jazz and go about my business.

-No -

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you listen to your jazz, go into a trance, 6.10 - go to the pub.

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Have you got anything you could be doing? Feeding the hoofed mammals?

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I'm onto it because I started my day with this. Check this out.

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MUSIC: "Don't You Want Me" by The Human League

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That is just making me feel physically sick.

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What is that gloomy racket?

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-That's The Human League.

-It's electro nonsense.

-They invented music.

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-What happened before them then?

-It was just tuning up before then.

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Are you aware of the music known as jazz? Are you aware of the jazz movement?

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-Why are you going on about it?

-It's the greatest art form.

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Science teachers and the mentally ill, that's all jazz is for.

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-You better take that back, you electro ponce!

-Or what?

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-Take it back.

-I won't take it back. I'll leave it for all to see.

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-Drink it back up.

-No - I hate jazz.

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You hate jazz? You FEAR jazz. Huh?

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-Ah!

-Shut your mouth!

-You fear jazz.

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-I don't!

-You fear the lack of rules.

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"Oooh! It's fast, now it's soft! Agh! The chaos!"

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-It has to be simple...

-Stop the evil.

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-# Di di-di di dee dee... #

-Shut your mouth.

-Anything abstract - you mess your trousers.

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-Shut your mouth.

-# De-dup! Swee-bup... #

-Don't start scatting.

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We don't need scat at this point.

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-# ..Be-be-be-bow... #

-You better stop scatting.

-# ..Buppa-doo buppa-dee! #

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-This is your final warning...

-# Swee-be-be... #

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The thing about scat singing is it's an ancient art.

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-It goes back as far as the Chinese dynasty.

-There's some girls.

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Oh, yes. Right.

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I'll deal with this, OK?

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I'll deal with it. Watch the master weave his magic.

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Hi! Welcome to the zoo. My name's Howard Moon. I'm a zookeeper here.

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I hope you're enjoying your visit and the animals on display.

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There's many to feast your eyes on.

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There's the goats who are on heat at the moment, and others too.

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Later, there'll be an aquatic display at 3.30 and again at 5.30.

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I'll be participating in that as a porpoise jockey

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in the porpoise derby.

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I don't know if you've ever seen a man ride a porpoise but it can be a thrilling sight for a young lady.

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Hi! Nice hair.

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Cheers.

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-Are you in a band?

-Yeah.

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Kraftwerk Orange.

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I'm a musician, too - jazz musician mainly. I'm a fully qualified scat singer.

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-We don't do jazz.

-No.

-We do electro.

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Electro's good. I enjoy the music of The Human League. Big-time fan.

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Can play any instrument at all. You name it. I'm a multi-instrumentalist.

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Well, if we need a bassoon player, we'll let you know.

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Uh?

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I can play bassoon - that's the irony!

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LOUD-HAILER: Howard, get to the jackal hut.

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-(Do that for me.)

-Why?

-(I'm getting on well.)

-Getting on well?!

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Don't get Vince to go instead of you.

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I've got to scoot, so...don't forget to check out the aquatic displays at 3.30 and again at 5.30.

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Who's that jazz creep?

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He's the local simpleton. I know his mum. He does odd jobs, we give him a uniform, he's happy.

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-Are you in a band?

-Yeah - in a couple of bands.

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-That's a shame.

-What?

-We're looking for someone to join our band.

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The bands I'm in, I've left them recently. Today, earlier on.

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-Can you sing?

-Yeah - I'm one of the great frontmen. I can pull shapes.

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Why do you work in a zoo then?

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All frontmen worked with animals - Jagger worked in a pet shop, Rod Stewart in a tortoise sanctuary,

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Billy Ocean worked in an aquarium. That's how he got his name.

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That was a joke. What do you reckon, then? Am I in?

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-OK. We'll give you a shot.

-Cool.

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-I'm Vince.

-I'm Neon.

-Ultra.

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-Laters.

-Laters...on.

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-Where are those girls?

-They've gone.

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-Gone?!

-You just missed them.

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-I was getting a vibe off those girls.

-I don't think it was you they were interested in.

-It was.

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I was getting some magic off them. They weren't interested in you.

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They asked me to be in their band.

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I can't believe it. You?!

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-Yeah.

-You're the least musical person I've ever met.

-Who cares?

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-It's not about music, it's about your image.

-Be careful.

-Why?

-You know what happened last time -

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you got all excited about that band with Leroy, that glam-folk band.

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-People weren't ready for the mix of glam rock and folk music.

-Nobody is.

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# Are you going to Scarborough Fair?

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# Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme

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# Remember me to the one who lives there

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# She once was a true love of mine. #

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People, we're gonna have ourselves a hotdog! Come on!

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It'll be different this time. I can feel it in my bones.

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You should be more loyal to the zoo.

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-Why?

-Don't go running off at the drop of a hat, like fickle Bobby.

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-Fickle Bobby?

-Running off like a candyfloss girl.

-I don't do that.

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Yeah, you do - running away when you see a shiny object.

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Be loyal like me. When I get an offer, I turn it down flat.

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-Really? As if you get any offers!

-I get plenty!

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-Who from? Walt Disney?

-Walt offers me stuff.

-Does he?

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Many times he's come round and asked for help. He came round last week.

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-Strange he chooses you out of everyone.

-It's not.

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-I've got an eye for detail.

-What did he want you to do?

-Sort his pens.

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Put them in a workable order from hot reds down to the lilacs and beige

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-onto the ultramarine.

-Really?

-Yeah.

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-I bet that took ages.

-It didn't take long at all, cos I didn't do it.

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-Why not?

-I turned it down.

-You idiot!

-Out of duty.

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-You don't want to anger Walt.

-Why?

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-That might come back.

-I can turn down Walt. I don't have a problem with that. I'm loyal.

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I understand. I feel torn.

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On one hand, I've got the zoo. I love the zoo. On the other hand I've got stardom pulling me.

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I wish I was you. It must be easy for you. You can't really do anything else.

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-How dare you?!

-What?

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-I had a career in music beckoning.

-Did you?

-I could've been something.

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-But I turned it down.

-Was that in the '50s?

-How old do you think I am?

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-When you look at me, do you see Gandalf the Wizard?

-No!

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I was a jazz musician, you know. I could've been one of the greats,

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-but something happened.

-What?

-Something you... don't need to know about.

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-Something that nobody needs to know about.

-Look, so you blew your chance.

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That's not going to happen to me. I'm going all the way.

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-Are you?

-Yeah. So brace yourself. Noir's going to the moon.

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Oh, the arrogance of youth!

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Hm? Go on, then. What you looking at?

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Howard, check this out.

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ELECTRO MUSIC

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-What do you reckon?

-Awful.

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-That's my new demo. We're playing that tonight.

-It's very good.

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-You said it was awful.

-It's grown on me.

-Don't you understand?

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This is a big opportunity for me.

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-Slow down, Vince.

-Why?

-Going too fast.

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Rock'n'roll is fast. If all goes to plan, I could be in rehab Thursday,

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Tuesday week, I'll be living on an island with a small Indian boy.

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-Relax. Take your foot off the pedal.

-Why?

-Slow down.

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-You want fame, yeah?

-Yeah.

-You want it bad.

-Yeah.

-It's burning you up inside.

-Yeah.

-Like a fire.

-Yeah.

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-In your throat.

-What's your point?

-I used to have that fire.

-Here we go!

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Deep inside me. I wanted fame, Vince. I had it as well. I was a musical genius.

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-As if! I've never seen you with an instrument.

-There's a reason for that.

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-It's time for me to tell you the story.

-Is this going to take long?

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This story is going to chill you to the bone.

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It's going to turn your heart black with fear.

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It all happened what seems like a lifetime ago now.

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Flashback.

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# Squi-gwig-gwig-why

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# Di-bi da-be-dee Be-bup Be-bup. #

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-DISCORDANT VOICE:

-Get yourself out of here, Howard. Don't you have a home?

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-This is a jazz club, yeah?

-Yeah.

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Well, wherever jazz is, I is.

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Bebop's my home.

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-I thought you lived near Budgens.

-It's a metaphor.

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-You've been here three nights. What are you hanging around for?

-Something wrong with your voice?

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HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

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-VOICE STILL DISCORDANT:

-What are you hanging around here for?

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I'm going to be a jazz musician.

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-Something funny?

-Yeah.

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-There are those who got it, and those who ain't.

-I'm gonna get it.

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No, you ain't. You know why?

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Cos you ain't got the spirit of jazz inside you.

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Well, I've got a dream inside of me. How's that for you?

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Howard, there's a job opening here

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as a barrel monkey with your name on it. I suggest you take it.

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A barrel monkey?

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-I'm Howard Moon.

-Is that a "yes"?

-It's a "thank you, no."

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Suit yourself.

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Here are the keys. Lock up when you're done.

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Good luck, fool.

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HE PUFFS AND SPLUTTERS

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Well, well! What have we got here?

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Hello, little fella!

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A little piece of chicken. What's happening, boy?

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-Who are you?

-I is the spirit of jazz.

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-What do you want?

-You're in turmoil.

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What's wrong? Tell Uncle Mario what's wrong.

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-I want to be the greatest jazz player in Yorkshire.

-Yorkshire?

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-What is Yorkshire?

-Yorkshire is a place.

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Yorkshire is a state of mind.

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Yorkshire, New Orleans - it's all the same to me, baby.

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-Maybe I'll make you famous. You want to be famous?

-Yeah.

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You want to be on the wall - look at this guy - Blind Barney Shortbread.

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What a player! I seen him play with my own eyes. He was a genius.

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What about this guy - Hot Wee Wee Jefferson? The Cystitis Kid.

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When he was playing, those pipes was on fire.

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I can make you like that. You want to be on the wall, Howard Moon?

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-How do you know my name?

-It's on your trumpet case, asshole.

-Oh, yeah.

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So what do we do, then?

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Maybe I'll make you famous. Maybe I'll do all I say.

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But maybe you gots to do something for me. I gots needs too, you know.

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-Whats?

-Never mind the itty bitty details, just sign here. Sign here.

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In blood?

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Biro's fine.

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What's this stuff about ownership of the soul?

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Yous is mine, boy!

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You signed right here! You signed your soul away!

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I own you. Every time you pick up an instrument, I'll be there,

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inside you, wearing you like a glove!

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Your sweet ass is mine now.

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Check it out.

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Ow! My hat's on fire!

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-Are you blind? Why didn't you tell me?

-I thought that was your look.

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No, it ain't my look! It's a brand new hat.

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Spoilt my exit now.

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Trying to do you a favour!

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There ain't no door back there. It's a toilet.

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Then, the next evening, you'll never believe what happened.

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When I lifted that trumpet and blew that first note,

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something incredible happened, something that...

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-Oi!

-What?

-Are you listening to me?

0:15:210:15:23

-No, I'm not!

-I'm telling you an important story.

-So what?

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-It might help you.

-I'm not interested.

-Not interested.

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-No. I'm a rock star now.

-Whoa, big man! Well, you've changed.

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-So what?

-You used to be a zookeeper. This is was where your heart was.

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-BLEEP

-the zoo!

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-What did you say?

-I said

-BLEEP

-the zoo!

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I can't believe you're saying that. What about the animals?

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-BLEEP

-the animals! They're a bunch of

-BLEEP.

-You wanted to help them.

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I want to help them all to die!

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ELECTRO MUSIC

0:16:010:16:03

Wait a second.

0:16:040:16:06

-Are you going to be wearing those hats tonight?

-Yeah. Why?

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It's just that I'm the front man

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and I'm trying to create some stuff out here and they're creeping into my line of vision. Bobbing in.

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So, if you could just take them off.

0:16:190:16:21

Do you know who I am? Where did you get this chump from?

0:16:210:16:24

-I'm Johnny Two Hats.

-Yeah?

-Why do you think they call me that?

0:16:240:16:28

-Because you've got two hats on.

-Bingo!

-We've got a gig tonight. Remember?

0:16:280:16:34

OK. One, two, three, four...

0:16:340:16:36

-ELECTRO MUSIC

-Sorry.

0:16:360:16:39

Um, what if someone starts wearing three hats?

0:16:390:16:43

-Have you seen someone wearing three hats?

-No.

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Of course not! You haven't even seen anyone with two hats yet.

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-You know why no-one's ever worn two hats before?

-Why?

0:16:490:16:53

-It looks freakish. You look like an idiot.

-Stop dissing the hats.

0:16:530:16:57

-You're making me cross.

-All right.

0:16:570:17:00

Next time, girls, will you consult me before you employ some bozo on vox.

0:17:000:17:04

-Sorry, Johnny.

-Johnny what?

0:17:040:17:07

-Two Hats.

-Thank you.

0:17:070:17:09

Two, three, four...

0:17:090:17:11

-What are we going to do now Johnny's left?

-Who cares about Johnny?

0:17:180:17:23

What was he bringing to the band, anyway, other than the extra hat?

0:17:230:17:27

-He wrote all the music.

-Played the synth bass parts.

0:17:270:17:30

-Programmed the drums.

-Run the website.

-He came up with this...

0:17:300:17:35

Yeah - that is pretty good. I'll get someone else.

0:17:350:17:38

-Well, you've got three hours.

-That's ages. Cool your boots!

0:17:380:17:42

Listen, there's some important people coming tonight -

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-the head of Pie Face Records is going to be there.

-I'll get someone.

0:17:460:17:50

-They've got to be cool.

-I only know cool people.

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Whatever. You've got three hours.

0:17:520:17:55

-If you don't come up with someone, we'll stab you up.

-You rock ponce!

0:17:550:18:00

-Hello, ladies. Just ridden a porpoise.

-Yeah? Ring-a-ding-ding!

0:18:040:18:08

Maybe catch you later, yeah?

0:18:080:18:11

All right, Howard?

0:18:190:18:22

All right.

0:18:220:18:24

Sorry about earlier. I behaved like a tit. I was having problems coping with the stardom.

0:18:240:18:29

-You've only been in the band since 10.30.

-But the lifestyle, the drugs.

0:18:290:18:34

-What drugs?

-You know, the coffees.

0:18:340:18:37

I've had three lattes and an Americano. I'm blazing!

0:18:370:18:40

-How did it go with you and the porpoise race?

-I came last.

0:18:400:18:45

-Again? Who won?

-Tony.

0:18:450:18:47

-What, Blind Tony?

-Yeah.

0:18:470:18:50

He was using sonar or something.

0:18:500:18:52

-How is it going with you and the pop band?

-It's all right.

0:18:520:18:57

-Having trouble with the keyboard player.

-What is it - mood swings?

0:18:570:19:01

-He's left the band.

-That's a pretty big mood swing. He swung right out?

0:19:010:19:07

-You know what musicians are like - temperamental.

-I do know.

-Yeah.

0:19:070:19:11

-Yeah.

-I heard you were pretty good.

-I was one of the best.

0:19:110:19:15

-I heard you could play anything.

-Yes.

0:19:150:19:17

I was a multi-instrumentalist. I played trumpet, guitar, kazoo.

0:19:180:19:22

-Keyboard?

-Yeah. Grade 17.

0:19:220:19:25

-Is that good or bad?

-Let's just say Grade 10 is a musical genius.

0:19:250:19:29

Seven off - I could probably work with that.

0:19:300:19:33

Howard, do you think you could do me a favour?

0:19:330:19:37

-I'm not doing it.

-Come on - it'll be amazing!

0:19:370:19:41

-It'll be genius! Me and you - fame, stardom.

-No, I can't.

0:19:410:19:45

-I can't do it, Vince.

-But the girls are into you!

-Are they?

-Yeah.

0:19:450:19:49

-They said you were an eccentric character.

-Eccentric character...

0:19:490:19:53

There's two of them, two of us. It'll be like the indie Abba.

0:19:530:19:57

-I just can't do it.

-Why?

-Even if I could, I...

0:19:570:20:01

-I haven't got the right look.

-I've thought about this. Leave it to me.

0:20:010:20:06

Check this out.

0:20:060:20:08

I've never shown anyone this, all right.

0:20:080:20:11

If you do this gig for me,

0:20:110:20:13

I'll give you unlimited access to these babies.

0:20:130:20:17

HEAVENLY MUSIC

0:20:170:20:19

-What are those?

-They're my offcuts.

0:20:210:20:23

My old hair.

0:20:230:20:25

Glue 'em on. Redesign your hair. Have fun with it.

0:20:250:20:29

I appreciate the gesture, but no.

0:20:290:20:31

It seems like a lot - it's fine, honestly.

0:20:310:20:34

It's not that. I just can't do the gig. You know why.

0:20:340:20:38

-Because of that stupid story?

-Yeah.

0:20:380:20:40

-I don't believe you!

-When I play, bad things happen.

0:20:400:20:44

-Forget it! I'll get someone else.

-That's not it...

-Whatever!

0:20:440:20:48

This is bullshit!

0:20:480:20:51

Rolo, you've got to help me.

0:20:520:20:54

I desperately need a guitar for tonight's gig. Can you play?

0:20:540:20:58

Yes. I play just like Hendrix.

0:20:580:21:01

Great. There you go.

0:21:010:21:03

There! Have that!

0:21:030:21:05

What are you doing?! What was that?

0:21:050:21:07

Woodstock '69.

0:21:070:21:10

HE PLAYS SOULFUL JAZZ

0:21:200:21:22

Well, well! If it ain't the comeback kid!

0:21:300:21:34

What are you doing here?

0:21:340:21:36

I think you've been playing again, boy.

0:21:360:21:39

-I'm not playing.

-Oh - yous is playing, boy!

0:21:390:21:43

-Now it's time for me to get inside you again.

-I don't want that.

0:21:430:21:48

Oh, yeah, baby - I'm coming inside.

0:21:480:21:50

Stop saying that - it sounds weird.

0:21:500:21:53

-Weird? How so? We had an agreement.

-I know, but I don't want anything to do with that now.

0:21:530:21:58

Baby, you want to feel the warmth of me deep inside you, don't you?

0:21:580:22:03

-I certainly do not!

-I've been inside all the greats.

0:22:030:22:06

I've been inside Charlie Parker, Miles Davis, I got inside Steve Davis - but that was an accident.

0:22:060:22:13

Don't deny me my role! I'm going to creep inside you like a warm kitten.

0:22:130:22:19

-Just leave me alone.

-We make such sweet music together.

0:22:190:22:22

-Don't you remember? We were jazz pioneers.

-Pioneers?

0:22:220:22:27

What you made me do was embarrassing. I don't want anything more to do with you.

0:22:270:22:32

I do not believe that boy's given me the credence I deserve.

0:22:320:22:37

What are you looking at?

0:22:370:22:39

I don't know. I want to help Vince. I really do.

0:22:430:22:46

I just... I can't...

0:22:460:22:49

Can't or won't?

0:22:490:22:52

Can't.

0:22:520:22:53

-I thought you were a team?

-We are a team.

0:22:530:22:57

It's just that when I play an instrument the spirit of jazz gets inside me.

0:22:570:23:03

When that happens, it isn't pretty. It makes me do stuff.

0:23:030:23:07

-Like the shopping?

-Shopping?

0:23:070:23:10

No. Things I'd rather not talk about.

0:23:100:23:13

There may be a way. Play this.

0:23:130:23:16

Play this?! Are you high?

0:23:160:23:19

Yeah.

0:23:190:23:20

I thought I explained, when I play...

0:23:200:23:23

Play!

0:23:230:23:24

Just play it!

0:23:260:23:28

HE PLAYS JAZZ

0:23:290:23:32

Mm! I knew you couldn't resist me, boy.

0:23:350:23:38

Time for me to get inside you again.

0:23:380:23:42

-Oh, dear!

-I'm going to wear you like a glove!

0:23:420:23:45

Who the hell is this asshole?

0:23:470:23:50

I'm Naboo, that's who.

0:23:500:23:52

Get in my Hoover bag, you boo!

0:23:520:23:54

Aghhh!

0:23:540:23:56

-Now, run like the wind.

-Thanks, Naboo.

0:23:570:24:00

Sort your hair out - it's an '80s band!

0:24:000:24:03

Listen, bitch, have you got anyone?

0:24:040:24:06

-Um...

-You better have cos the head of Pie Face Records is here to see us.

0:24:060:24:12

-Do we actually need anyone?

-What?!

0:24:120:24:14

Johnny Two Hats played keyboard. How hard can it be?

0:24:140:24:18

-It's just this...isn't it?

-Have you got anyone?

0:24:180:24:22

Ladies.

0:24:290:24:31

-Howard!

-Hi.

0:24:310:24:33

No way! Not that simpleton!

0:24:330:24:36

-He's a musical genius.

-He better be. He looks like a paedophile.

0:24:360:24:41

Hey! So glad you could make it!

0:24:480:24:50

Maybe after the gig we could have a drink, have a chat.

0:24:500:24:54

Yeah, sure. Yeah. Why not?

0:24:540:24:57

Who are you?

0:24:570:24:59

I'm Vince. I'm in Kraftwerk Orange.

0:24:590:25:01

You're the head of Pie Face Records.

0:25:020:25:05

No. No, I'm Marcus Hoffman.

0:25:050:25:07

-I design speedboats.

-Sorry, I thought you were somebody else.

0:25:070:25:11

Listen, a few of us get together at weekends, listen to reggae.

0:25:110:25:15

Maybe you want to hang out with us.

0:25:150:25:18

Get lost, creepy crust!

0:25:180:25:20

If I can just turn this thing on...

0:25:200:25:24

-HOOVER WHIRS

-Now I'm coming for you, Howard Moon!

0:25:240:25:28

Hoover or not - I'm coming for you!

0:25:280:25:30

ELECTRO MUSIC

0:25:300:25:32

# Driving along on the plastic dream

0:25:440:25:47

# Heart beats fast like a tiny machine

0:25:470:25:51

# I am electro boy

0:25:510:25:53

# I am electro girl

0:25:540:25:57

# Sailing along on a Perspex sea

0:25:590:26:03

# Crystal moccasins, bionic jeans

0:26:030:26:06

# I am electro boy

0:26:060:26:09

# I am electro girl... #

0:26:100:26:14

He's close! I can smell him! I can smell the notes!

0:26:220:26:25

# ..Driving along on the plastic dream

0:26:310:26:36

# Heart beats fast like a tiny machine

0:26:360:26:39

# I am electro boy

0:26:390:26:42

# I am electro girl

0:26:430:26:45

# Sailing along on a Perspex sea

0:26:480:26:51

# Crystal moccasins, bionic jeans

0:26:510:26:55

# I am electro boy... #

0:26:550:26:58

Yeah! Come on! Yeah! Ha-ha!

0:26:580:27:00

Get the hell out of my way, lady!

0:27:000:27:03

-Agh!

-We're going to have ourselves some hot jazz!

0:27:030:27:07

HE PLAYS JAZZ MANICALLY

0:27:070:27:09

Well, I'm sorry about last night.

0:27:320:27:36

I got a bit carried away and the jazz got in me and I had a jazz attack.

0:27:360:27:41

The whole night was a shambles.

0:27:410:27:43

I can't believe those electro girls! They stabbed everyone up.

0:27:430:27:46

I've been thinking, I don't think it's for me, the rock'n'roll lifestyle.

0:27:460:27:51

-Don't worry about that, Vince - I'm going to make it up to you.

-Yeah?

-Check this out.

0:27:510:27:56

HEAVENLY MUSIC

0:27:580:28:00

Wow!

0:28:000:28:02

Let's sort these pens out for Uncle Walt.

0:28:020:28:05

THEY SING IN WEST-COUNTRY ACCENTS # Feels as though nobody cares

0:28:050:28:09

# If I lives or dies

0:28:090:28:11

# So I might as well begin to put some action in my life

0:28:110:28:17

# Breaking the law breaking the law... #

0:28:180:28:21

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