Electro The Mighty Boosh

Hi! Welcome to the show. My name's Howard Moon and this is Vince Noir.

-DEEP VOICE:

-Hello!

Sorry.

This week we're going to be tackling the subject of fame.

When Lady Fame comes a'knocking on your door, you've gotta be quick to open it, or else she's away.

-As if!

-She only knocks once.

-She knocks at my house all the time,

banging on the door. I go to Tesco, she's hanging on to my cords.

That's not Lady Fame, is it?

-That's Mrs Pelham. She talks to mushrooms.

-It's not. It's Lady Fame.

Lady Fame wouldn't shop at Tesco's. She'd shop at Marks, if anything.

She goes to Marks for her bits. She doesn't do her main shop there.

-Maybe we should talk about this another time.

-OK.

-Yeah.

-See you later.

-See you later, chewy teeth.

Enjoy the show.

UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC

Hey, Howard! Howard?

Small eyes!

He's in a trance. A jazz trance. Every day he does this. It's a delicate procedure getting him out.

Agh! Oh!

-Don't do that ever!

-Why?

-Never do that to a man in a jazz trance.

-Why?

-I could have a heart attack.

I was deep in the juju then.

Why don't you try doing some work?

I'm going to get round to my work. This is my early morning procedure.

-I listen to my jazz and go about my business.

-No -

you listen to your jazz, go into a trance, 6.10 - go to the pub.

Have you got anything you could be doing? Feeding the hoofed mammals?

I'm onto it because I started my day with this. Check this out.

MUSIC: "Don't You Want Me" by The Human League

That is just making me feel physically sick.

What is that gloomy racket?

-That's The Human League.

-It's electro nonsense.

-They invented music.

-What happened before them then?

-It was just tuning up before then.

Are you aware of the music known as jazz? Are you aware of the jazz movement?

-Why are you going on about it?

-It's the greatest art form.

Science teachers and the mentally ill, that's all jazz is for.

-You better take that back, you electro ponce!

-Or what?

-Take it back.

-I won't take it back. I'll leave it for all to see.

-Drink it back up.

-No - I hate jazz.

You hate jazz? You FEAR jazz. Huh?

-Ah!

-Shut your mouth!

-You fear jazz.

-I don't!

-You fear the lack of rules.

"Oooh! It's fast, now it's soft! Agh! The chaos!"

-It has to be simple...

-Stop the evil.

-# Di di-di di dee dee... #

-Shut your mouth.

-Anything abstract - you mess your trousers.

-Shut your mouth.

-# De-dup! Swee-bup... #

-Don't start scatting.

We don't need scat at this point.

-# ..Be-be-be-bow... #

-You better stop scatting.

-# ..Buppa-doo buppa-dee! #

-This is your final warning...

-# Swee-be-be... #

The thing about scat singing is it's an ancient art.

-It goes back as far as the Chinese dynasty.

-There's some girls.

Oh, yes. Right.

I'll deal with this, OK?

I'll deal with it. Watch the master weave his magic.

Hi! Welcome to the zoo. My name's Howard Moon. I'm a zookeeper here.

I hope you're enjoying your visit and the animals on display.

There's many to feast your eyes on.

There's the goats who are on heat at the moment, and others too.

Later, there'll be an aquatic display at 3.30 and again at 5.30.

I'll be participating in that as a porpoise jockey

in the porpoise derby.

I don't know if you've ever seen a man ride a porpoise but it can be a thrilling sight for a young lady.

Hi! Nice hair.

Cheers.

-Are you in a band?

-Yeah.

Kraftwerk Orange.

I'm a musician, too - jazz musician mainly. I'm a fully qualified scat singer.

-We don't do jazz.

-No.

-We do electro.

Electro's good. I enjoy the music of The Human League. Big-time fan.

Can play any instrument at all. You name it. I'm a multi-instrumentalist.

Well, if we need a bassoon player, we'll let you know.

Uh?

I can play bassoon - that's the irony!

LOUD-HAILER: Howard, get to the jackal hut.

-(Do that for me.)

-Why?

-(I'm getting on well.)

-Getting on well?!

Don't get Vince to go instead of you.

I've got to scoot, so...don't forget to check out the aquatic displays at 3.30 and again at 5.30.

Who's that jazz creep?

He's the local simpleton. I know his mum. He does odd jobs, we give him a uniform, he's happy.

-Are you in a band?

-Yeah - in a couple of bands.

-That's a shame.

-What?

-We're looking for someone to join our band.

The bands I'm in, I've left them recently. Today, earlier on.

-Can you sing?

-Yeah - I'm one of the great frontmen. I can pull shapes.

Why do you work in a zoo then?

All frontmen worked with animals - Jagger worked in a pet shop, Rod Stewart in a tortoise sanctuary,

Billy Ocean worked in an aquarium. That's how he got his name.

That was a joke. What do you reckon, then? Am I in?

-OK. We'll give you a shot.

-Cool.

-I'm Vince.

-I'm Neon.

-Ultra.

-Laters.

-Laters...on.

-Where are those girls?

-They've gone.

-Gone?!

-You just missed them.

-I was getting a vibe off those girls.

-I don't think it was you they were interested in.

-It was.

I was getting some magic off them. They weren't interested in you.

They asked me to be in their band.

I can't believe it. You?!

-Yeah.

-You're the least musical person I've ever met.

-Who cares?

-It's not about music, it's about your image.

-Be careful.

-Why?

-You know what happened last time -

you got all excited about that band with Leroy, that glam-folk band.

-People weren't ready for the mix of glam rock and folk music.

-Nobody is.

# Are you going to Scarborough Fair?

# Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme

# Remember me to the one who lives there

# She once was a true love of mine. #

People, we're gonna have ourselves a hotdog! Come on!

It'll be different this time. I can feel it in my bones.

You should be more loyal to the zoo.

-Why?

-Don't go running off at the drop of a hat, like fickle Bobby.

-Fickle Bobby?

-Running off like a candyfloss girl.

-I don't do that.

Yeah, you do - running away when you see a shiny object.

Be loyal like me. When I get an offer, I turn it down flat.

-Really? As if you get any offers!

-I get plenty!

-Who from? Walt Disney?

-Walt offers me stuff.

-Does he?

Many times he's come round and asked for help. He came round last week.

-Strange he chooses you out of everyone.

-It's not.

-I've got an eye for detail.

-What did he want you to do?

-Sort his pens.

Put them in a workable order from hot reds down to the lilacs and beige

-onto the ultramarine.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-I bet that took ages.

-It didn't take long at all, cos I didn't do it.

-Why not?

-I turned it down.

-You idiot!

-Out of duty.

-You don't want to anger Walt.

-Why?

-That might come back.

-I can turn down Walt. I don't have a problem with that. I'm loyal.

I understand. I feel torn.

On one hand, I've got the zoo. I love the zoo. On the other hand I've got stardom pulling me.

I wish I was you. It must be easy for you. You can't really do anything else.

-How dare you?!

-What?

-I had a career in music beckoning.

-Did you?

-I could've been something.

-But I turned it down.

-Was that in the '50s?

-How old do you think I am?

-When you look at me, do you see Gandalf the Wizard?

-No!

I was a jazz musician, you know. I could've been one of the greats,

-but something happened.

-What?

-Something you... don't need to know about.

-Something that nobody needs to know about.

-Look, so you blew your chance.

That's not going to happen to me. I'm going all the way.

-Are you?

-Yeah. So brace yourself. Noir's going to the moon.

Oh, the arrogance of youth!

Hm? Go on, then. What you looking at?

Howard, check this out.

ELECTRO MUSIC

-What do you reckon?

-Awful.

-That's my new demo. We're playing that tonight.

-It's very good.

-You said it was awful.

-It's grown on me.

-Don't you understand?

This is a big opportunity for me.

-Slow down, Vince.

-Why?

-Going too fast.

Rock'n'roll is fast. If all goes to plan, I could be in rehab Thursday,

Tuesday week, I'll be living on an island with a small Indian boy.

-Relax. Take your foot off the pedal.

-Why?

-Slow down.

-You want fame, yeah?

-Yeah.

-You want it bad.

-Yeah.

-It's burning you up inside.

-Yeah.

-Like a fire.

-Yeah.

-In your throat.

-What's your point?

-I used to have that fire.

-Here we go!

Deep inside me. I wanted fame, Vince. I had it as well. I was a musical genius.

-As if! I've never seen you with an instrument.

-There's a reason for that.

-It's time for me to tell you the story.

-Is this going to take long?

This story is going to chill you to the bone.

It's going to turn your heart black with fear.

It all happened what seems like a lifetime ago now.

Flashback.

# Squi-gwig-gwig-why

# Di-bi da-be-dee Be-bup Be-bup. #

-DISCORDANT VOICE:

-Get yourself out of here, Howard. Don't you have a home?

-This is a jazz club, yeah?

-Yeah.

Well, wherever jazz is, I is.

Bebop's my home.

-I thought you lived near Budgens.

-It's a metaphor.

-You've been here three nights. What are you hanging around for?

-Something wrong with your voice?

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

-VOICE STILL DISCORDANT:

-What are you hanging around here for?

I'm going to be a jazz musician.

-Something funny?

-Yeah.

-There are those who got it, and those who ain't.

-I'm gonna get it.

No, you ain't. You know why?

Cos you ain't got the spirit of jazz inside you.

Well, I've got a dream inside of me. How's that for you?

Howard, there's a job opening here

as a barrel monkey with your name on it. I suggest you take it.

A barrel monkey?

-I'm Howard Moon.

-Is that a "yes"?

-It's a "thank you, no."

Suit yourself.

Here are the keys. Lock up when you're done.

Good luck, fool.

HE PUFFS AND SPLUTTERS

Well, well! What have we got here?

Hello, little fella!

A little piece of chicken. What's happening, boy?

-Who are you?

-I is the spirit of jazz.

-What do you want?

-You're in turmoil.

What's wrong? Tell Uncle Mario what's wrong.

-I want to be the greatest jazz player in Yorkshire.

-Yorkshire?

-What is Yorkshire?

-Yorkshire is a place.

Yorkshire is a state of mind.

Yorkshire, New Orleans - it's all the same to me, baby.

-Maybe I'll make you famous. You want to be famous?

-Yeah.

You want to be on the wall - look at this guy - Blind Barney Shortbread.

What a player! I seen him play with my own eyes. He was a genius.

What about this guy - Hot Wee Wee Jefferson? The Cystitis Kid.

When he was playing, those pipes was on fire.

I can make you like that. You want to be on the wall, Howard Moon?

-How do you know my name?

-It's on your trumpet case, asshole.

-Oh, yeah.

So what do we do, then?

Maybe I'll make you famous. Maybe I'll do all I say.

But maybe you gots to do something for me. I gots needs too, you know.

-Whats?

-Never mind the itty bitty details, just sign here. Sign here.

In blood?

Biro's fine.

What's this stuff about ownership of the soul?

Yous is mine, boy!

You signed right here! You signed your soul away!

I own you. Every time you pick up an instrument, I'll be there,

inside you, wearing you like a glove!

Your sweet ass is mine now.

Check it out.

Ow! My hat's on fire!

-Are you blind? Why didn't you tell me?

-I thought that was your look.

No, it ain't my look! It's a brand new hat.

Spoilt my exit now.

Trying to do you a favour!

There ain't no door back there. It's a toilet.

Then, the next evening, you'll never believe what happened.

When I lifted that trumpet and blew that first note,

something incredible happened, something that...

-Oi!

-What?

-Are you listening to me?

-No, I'm not!

-I'm telling you an important story.

-So what?

-It might help you.

-I'm not interested.

-Not interested.

-No. I'm a rock star now.

-Whoa, big man! Well, you've changed.

-So what?

-You used to be a zookeeper. This is was where your heart was.

-BLEEP

-the zoo!

-What did you say?

-I said

-BLEEP

-the zoo!

I can't believe you're saying that. What about the animals?

-BLEEP

-the animals! They're a bunch of

-BLEEP.

-You wanted to help them.

I want to help them all to die!

ELECTRO MUSIC

Wait a second.

-Are you going to be wearing those hats tonight?

-Yeah. Why?

It's just that I'm the front man

and I'm trying to create some stuff out here and they're creeping into my line of vision. Bobbing in.

So, if you could just take them off.

Do you know who I am? Where did you get this chump from?

-I'm Johnny Two Hats.

-Yeah?

-Why do you think they call me that?

-Because you've got two hats on.

-Bingo!

-We've got a gig tonight. Remember?

OK. One, two, three, four...

-ELECTRO MUSIC

-Sorry.

Um, what if someone starts wearing three hats?

-Have you seen someone wearing three hats?

-No.

Of course not! You haven't even seen anyone with two hats yet.

-You know why no-one's ever worn two hats before?

-Why?

-It looks freakish. You look like an idiot.

-Stop dissing the hats.

-You're making me cross.

-All right.

Next time, girls, will you consult me before you employ some bozo on vox.

-Sorry, Johnny.

-Johnny what?

-Two Hats.

-Thank you.

Two, three, four...

-What are we going to do now Johnny's left?

-Who cares about Johnny?

What was he bringing to the band, anyway, other than the extra hat?

-He wrote all the music.

-Played the synth bass parts.

-Programmed the drums.

-Run the website.

-He came up with this...

Yeah - that is pretty good. I'll get someone else.

-Well, you've got three hours.

-That's ages. Cool your boots!

Listen, there's some important people coming tonight -

-the head of Pie Face Records is going to be there.

-I'll get someone.

-They've got to be cool.

-I only know cool people.

Whatever. You've got three hours.

-If you don't come up with someone, we'll stab you up.

-You rock ponce!

-Hello, ladies. Just ridden a porpoise.

-Yeah? Ring-a-ding-ding!

Maybe catch you later, yeah?

All right, Howard?

All right.

Sorry about earlier. I behaved like a tit. I was having problems coping with the stardom.

-You've only been in the band since 10.30.

-But the lifestyle, the drugs.

-What drugs?

-You know, the coffees.

I've had three lattes and an Americano. I'm blazing!

-How did it go with you and the porpoise race?

-I came last.

-Again? Who won?

-Tony.

-What, Blind Tony?

-Yeah.

He was using sonar or something.

-How is it going with you and the pop band?

-It's all right.

-Having trouble with the keyboard player.

-What is it - mood swings?

-He's left the band.

-That's a pretty big mood swing. He swung right out?

-You know what musicians are like - temperamental.

-I do know.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-I heard you were pretty good.

-I was one of the best.

-I heard you could play anything.

-Yes.

I was a multi-instrumentalist. I played trumpet, guitar, kazoo.

-Keyboard?

-Yeah. Grade 17.

-Is that good or bad?

-Let's just say Grade 10 is a musical genius.

Seven off - I could probably work with that.

Howard, do you think you could do me a favour?

-I'm not doing it.

-Come on - it'll be amazing!

-It'll be genius! Me and you - fame, stardom.

-No, I can't.

-I can't do it, Vince.

-But the girls are into you!

-Are they?

-Yeah.

-They said you were an eccentric character.

-Eccentric character...

There's two of them, two of us. It'll be like the indie Abba.

-I just can't do it.

-Why?

-Even if I could, I...

-I haven't got the right look.

-I've thought about this. Leave it to me.

Check this out.

I've never shown anyone this, all right.

If you do this gig for me,

I'll give you unlimited access to these babies.

HEAVENLY MUSIC

-What are those?

-They're my offcuts.

My old hair.

Glue 'em on. Redesign your hair. Have fun with it.

I appreciate the gesture, but no.

It seems like a lot - it's fine, honestly.

It's not that. I just can't do the gig. You know why.

-Because of that stupid story?

-Yeah.

-I don't believe you!

-When I play, bad things happen.

-Forget it! I'll get someone else.

-That's not it...

-Whatever!

This is bullshit!

Rolo, you've got to help me.

I desperately need a guitar for tonight's gig. Can you play?

Yes. I play just like Hendrix.

Great. There you go.

There! Have that!

What are you doing?! What was that?

Woodstock '69.

HE PLAYS SOULFUL JAZZ

Well, well! If it ain't the comeback kid!

What are you doing here?

I think you've been playing again, boy.

-I'm not playing.

-Oh - yous is playing, boy!

-Now it's time for me to get inside you again.

-I don't want that.

Oh, yeah, baby - I'm coming inside.

Stop saying that - it sounds weird.

-Weird? How so? We had an agreement.

-I know, but I don't want anything to do with that now.

Baby, you want to feel the warmth of me deep inside you, don't you?

-I certainly do not!

-I've been inside all the greats.

I've been inside Charlie Parker, Miles Davis, I got inside Steve Davis - but that was an accident.

Don't deny me my role! I'm going to creep inside you like a warm kitten.

-Just leave me alone.

-We make such sweet music together.

-Don't you remember? We were jazz pioneers.

-Pioneers?

What you made me do was embarrassing. I don't want anything more to do with you.

I do not believe that boy's given me the credence I deserve.

What are you looking at?

I don't know. I want to help Vince. I really do.

I just... I can't...

Can't or won't?

Can't.

-I thought you were a team?

-We are a team.

It's just that when I play an instrument the spirit of jazz gets inside me.

When that happens, it isn't pretty. It makes me do stuff.

-Like the shopping?

-Shopping?

No. Things I'd rather not talk about.

There may be a way. Play this.

Play this?! Are you high?

Yeah.

I thought I explained, when I play...

Play!

Just play it!

HE PLAYS JAZZ

Mm! I knew you couldn't resist me, boy.

Time for me to get inside you again.

-Oh, dear!

-I'm going to wear you like a glove!

Who the hell is this asshole?

I'm Naboo, that's who.

Get in my Hoover bag, you boo!

Aghhh!

-Now, run like the wind.

-Thanks, Naboo.

Sort your hair out - it's an '80s band!

Listen, bitch, have you got anyone?

-Um...

-You better have cos the head of Pie Face Records is here to see us.

-Do we actually need anyone?

-What?!

Johnny Two Hats played keyboard. How hard can it be?

-It's just this...isn't it?

-Have you got anyone?

Ladies.

-Howard!

-Hi.

No way! Not that simpleton!

-He's a musical genius.

-He better be. He looks like a paedophile.

Hey! So glad you could make it!

Maybe after the gig we could have a drink, have a chat.

Yeah, sure. Yeah. Why not?

Who are you?

I'm Vince. I'm in Kraftwerk Orange.

You're the head of Pie Face Records.

No. No, I'm Marcus Hoffman.

-I design speedboats.

-Sorry, I thought you were somebody else.

Listen, a few of us get together at weekends, listen to reggae.

Maybe you want to hang out with us.

Get lost, creepy crust!

If I can just turn this thing on...

-HOOVER WHIRS

-Now I'm coming for you, Howard Moon!

Hoover or not - I'm coming for you!

ELECTRO MUSIC

# Driving along on the plastic dream

# Heart beats fast like a tiny machine

# I am electro boy

# I am electro girl

# Sailing along on a Perspex sea

# Crystal moccasins, bionic jeans

# I am electro boy

# I am electro girl... #

He's close! I can smell him! I can smell the notes!

# ..Driving along on the plastic dream

# Heart beats fast like a tiny machine

# I am electro boy

# I am electro girl

# Sailing along on a Perspex sea

# Crystal moccasins, bionic jeans

# I am electro boy... #

Yeah! Come on! Yeah! Ha-ha!

Get the hell out of my way, lady!

-Agh!

-We're going to have ourselves some hot jazz!

HE PLAYS JAZZ MANICALLY

Well, I'm sorry about last night.

I got a bit carried away and the jazz got in me and I had a jazz attack.

The whole night was a shambles.

I can't believe those electro girls! They stabbed everyone up.

I've been thinking, I don't think it's for me, the rock'n'roll lifestyle.

-Don't worry about that, Vince - I'm going to make it up to you.

-Yeah?

-Check this out.

HEAVENLY MUSIC

Wow!

Let's sort these pens out for Uncle Walt.

THEY SING IN WEST-COUNTRY ACCENTS # Feels as though nobody cares

# If I lives or dies

# So I might as well begin to put some action in my life

# Breaking the law breaking the law... #