Hitcher The Mighty Boosh

-Hi, welcome to the show. My name's Howard Moon. This is Vince Noir.

-Hi.

This week, I'll be playing a host of characters, but don't be afraid.

-It's just something I can do as an actor. I can play any emotion.

-It's pretty powerful.

-Yes.

Here's a little taster.

What's that?

-Grief of a sailor.

-That is genius!

-Yeah?

-Do another one.

-What's that?

-Cornish guilt.

-Oh! Cornish guilt.

-You liking it?

-Timeless characters.

-Can you act?

-Can I act?!

Not really, no.

-That was me acting there.

-Liking that. The twist around.

-Yeah.

-What else have you got?

-Loads.

-Surprise me.

Welcome to the show.

To the world of the Mighty Boosh.

And now, kids, our final stop on the tour of the Zoo-Niverse,

-Ivan, the hairy Russian carpet guy.

-The bear.

Well, yeah, if you wanna use the Latin.

Anyway, when this guy's not busy being a carpet, he LOVES his dancing.

Accompanying him today is Vince Noir and his lowly assistant Howard Moon.

-You know what we're doing.

-Electro pop classic.

-No, jazz funk.

-What?

-We did electro last week.

-Hey, dungheads, move it along.

Hi. This is a track I've composed. It's a kind of slap bass odyssey.

I hope you enjoy it. It's called simply "Particle". One, two...

BEAR GROWLS

He doesn't look happy.

Cos he's a communist and doesn't understand the service industry.

What he doesn't understand is -

if Carpet Man don't dance, Carpet Man don't eat.

You look scared, but don't worry.

These bars could stop a speeding juggernaut.

Head for the hills!

You're on your own!

Don't kill me. I love women.

Nabu, you saved my life. I have to kiss you passionately on the mouth.

Oh! My nuts.

Oh, yeah. This is more like it, eh? Getting out on the open road.

Getting away from the zoo.

Yeah, I feel at home on the road, Vince. It's in my blood.

I think it's because, when I was young, I moved around a lot.

I lived with my parents, but on weekends I'd visit my grandparents.

They lived over 40 minutes away, in Wakefield.

I think from that I developed a kind of spiritual wanderlust.

Yeah...

I always felt a kinship with the nomadic peoples of the Kalahari.

-No way!

-Mm, it's true.

-No way!

-A deep bond.

They're making a Bollywood version of The Fonz.

-Have you been listening to anything I've said?

-Something about calamari.

-I'm not hungry.

-I'm trying to have a conversation.

-Huh?

-Trying to get a deep conversation going.

-What do you want to talk about?

-Well...about me. I'm a free spirit.

-Yeah?

-People try to put me in a box, but I break free.

-Who's tried?

-It's the nature of me, Howard Moon.

-Who's tried to put you in a box?

-People. The man.

-Have you contacted the police about this?

-No, you know what I mean.

-What are you on about?

-People are always trying to put people in boxes.

-Not you.

You're the wrong size, for a start.

-Let's forget this conversation.

-How would you even get in a box?

-Read your magazine.

-I thought you wanted a conversation.

-I don't. Check on Ivan, will you?

-How's he doing?

-He looks a bit bored.

-What are you doing?

-Giving him something to read.

-The Face?

-Yes.

-He's a Russian bear.

-So what?

Give him some Chekov.

-Want something to eat?

-Yeah, actually, I'm quite hungry.

I've got it all - ultraviolets, flying saucers, strawberry lace.

-Come on.

-Have you got any food?

-Yeah. Satin zingers.

-No, real food.

-Neptune fizz.

-Have you ever heard of rice?

I've heard of Rice Krispies.

Check this out.

That's how turtles eat.

This journey's gonna fly by(!)

I made some tapes for the journey.

-Oh, right.

-This is the best of the '60s.

And this is the best of the '70s.

And this...is Gary Numan.

-Eh, no, no way.

-What?

-We're not having that.

-Oh, come on!

-Absolutely not.

-I'm drawing a line under that.

-Why?

-I'm driving. We're having MY music.

-Not jazz.

-No.

This, my friend, is jazz funk.

-Oh!

-Yes.

-The double. That's even worse.

The cerebral musicality of jazz mixed with visceral groove of funk.

-Funk?

-Imagine that.

-Funk?!

-What a combo!

-Jazz's deformed cousin.

Check this out.

-REPETITIVE FUNK GROOVE

-Feeling that?

Wait till the bass solo comes in.

It's coming up.

-GROOVE CONTINUES

-It's coming up now.

Maybe it's on the other side.

-GROOVE CONTINUES

-Here it comes now.

It's coming up.

Just...

It's coming up now.

Ready?

-GROOVE CONTINUES

-And... It's just coming.

I always get them confused, because that bit sounds the same. Here...

It's coming up.

SAME GROOVE BUT LOUDER

-Feel the power of that.

-It's embarrassing.

-Thumb work.

-GROWLING

-What's that?

-Ivan's going mad.

-It's that bass. Turn it off. He doesn't like it.

-What does he like?

GARY NUMAN SINGS # ..I can lock all my doors

# It's the only way to live In cars

# Here in my car I can only receive

# I can listen to you It keeps me stable for days... #

BRAKES SQUEAL

Are we nearly there yet?

No.

I'll have to have a little sleep.

-You're not having a little sleep.

-Oh, come on.

-No. I'm the driver. It's your job to entertain me.

-Entertain you?

-Do a little dance?

-Do something.

I know exactly what to do. You'll love this.

Put him away.

-Don't get him out again.

-I've got other characters.

-No.

-Tell me a story.

-A story?!

-Yeah.

-About what?

-You growing up in the forest.

-You've heard them.

-I wanna hear them again.

-Do you?

-Yeah.

-All right.

When I was young, I was raised in the forest by Bryan Ferry.

It was amazing. Magic times.

I loved hanging out with Ferry. We used to go hunting, fishing.

We lived in a small house made out of bus tickets. Brilliant.

But Bryan used to go on tour a lot, so he left me with various animals.

One time, he left me with Jahuli the leopard who was irresponsible.

He took me out killing gazelles, knowing Bryan was a vegetarian.

He used to feed me the soft, tasty meat.

I remember, afterwards, I'd be so full I'd need a little sleepy.

As I was nodding off, old Calooni - the dirty cobra - came up the side of the tree.

He said to me, "You should never sleep."

I said, "What are you on about?" He said, "Because the monkey folk plan to steal your face."

I went, "What do you mean?" The king monkey wanted a man's face to be a proper king.

He'd seen mine and he wanted it.

He tried to get Columbo's, but that was on too tight.

The problem was, it was so hot in the jungle and I was so full, I couldn't help it, I fell asleep.

-You idiot!

-I know.

-Oh, no!

-I know.

-Oh, no!

-What an idiot!

-What happened next?

-That's another story for another time.

-What?!

-That's the end.

-What d'you mean, "The end"? That's the beginning of something interesting.

-That's the end of that saga.

-What?! Are you Icelandic?! What are you talking about? I want the end.

-I went so far and now I'm stopping.

-Who are you, dealing out stories in chunks - Johnny Segment?!

-Yeah.

-Give me the ending.

-I'm the storyteller. I'll decide when you've had your fill.

-Give me the ending.

-You can't leave a man dangling.

-That's my style.

-The dangler?!

-Yeah. The juicy dangler.

-You're ill.

-You've had all the word nourishment you need.

-I'm empty. I need the pudding.

-You're so greedy for the verse.

-What?! Just...come on!

-Slow down.

Ridiculous. How much further have we got to go?

According to the map, the animal offender zoo is here.

If we take Fossil's route, it's six hours. Useless!

-Why don't we take this short cut?

-What short cut?

-The next left up here.

-What, through this forest?

-Yeah.

-Are you sure?

-I reckon we'll be there in 20 minutes.

-Where the hell are we?

-I don't know.

I thought if we came down this road, we'd cut out a lot of time.

-What road?

-This road here.

-What, this thin, red road?

That's a raspberry bootlace, you berk!

I was just trying to help.

How have you helped on this journey so far?

You bring sweets instead of food, tell stories that don't end and bring Gary Numan to listen to.

-A powerful body of work.

-A stench on the musical map.

-I've had enough of your abuse.

-Yeah? What are you gonna do?

-I'm vacating the vehicle.

-What?!

-I'll walk.

-Where, down Raspberry Avenue?! You're in a forest.

-Whatever!

You won't last five minutes.

Howard, stop the van! Howard! Stop! Wait!

You see, you couldn't walk away. You couldn't leave me.

-My scarf's caught on the wheel.

-OK.

-See you later.

-Yeah. Bye.

ENGINE ROARS

Technically, you're not a peeping Tom if it's a relative.

-More tea, Nabu?

-No, I'm fine.

If you're not going to have any tea, I am. I love my tea.

No! Howard and Vince are in danger.

-How do you know?

-It's written in the tea leaves.

Nabu...

this is terrible.

-On the bright side, we can get together more. Where are you going?

-I've got to save Howard and Vince.

-I'll come with you.

-It's fine.

-No, Nabu, I must protect you.

-I wish you wouldn't.

Who's there?

Vince, it is I, Bryan Ferry.

-No way!

-Look at you!

-Bryan!

-Vince, my child!

-So many years have passed, but I knew you'd return to the forest.

-I love what you've done with it.

-It's a mess! I would have tidied if I'd known you were coming.

-Are the ferns new?

-Ikea. Look at you!

All grown up.

-Is this what they are wearing now in the city of men?

-Pretty much.

Ridiculous! Let us celebrate your return

with feasts and music

and the slaughtering of a hound.

-I can't really stay that long. I've got a life in the city. A job and stuff.

-Job?!

-Yeah, I work in a zoo.

-Zoo? What is zoo?

-It's full of animals. It's like a forest, but they keep the animals in cages.

-NO!

-Animals should never be kept in cages.

-It's just a stop gap.

-I'm going to be a singer, like you.

-You were the least musical of all my children.

-Colto the deaf horse sang better than you.

-Colto. How is Colto?

-He's working on his third album.

-Really?

-Experimental stuff.

-Eno is producing.

-Wow!

-What about my best friend - Jahuli the leopard?

-Jahuli has gone.

There is a curse upon the forest.

Many of the creatures have disappeared...

taken by Babuyagoo - the green man witch.

Who?

Some say he is the devil himself.

Others say he is a man pretending to be the devil with green make-up and special lighting.

That is nonsense.

He is as real as this forest.

-Anyway, look, Bryan...

-THUMPING

..I had better get going.

-I've got to find my mate Howard. We had an argument. I need to see if he's all right.

-Is he in danger?

Pretty much every week he gets in danger, and I go and sort it out.

Take this horn and if you are in peril, blow upon 't.

I will come running as fast as Hoondu-u-u-u the Volkswagen.

Thanks. I've got something for you.

-AH!

-There you go!

What is this?

-It's a tape. It's my new demo.

-Right.

-See you later.

-Thank you.

Take care, child!

Tape...yes.

Of course, it is all MP3 now. These are obsolete.

'Oh, yeah, the open road.

'This is more like it.

'A man alone with his dreams.

'That's me - Howard Moon.

'What's that - a hitchhiker? Yeah, I'll stop for you in this dark wood(!) I don't think so.'

So...are you going far?

D'you live round here, do you?

Obviously, not in the woods. That'd be weird if you lived in... Strange.

What's in the box?

Is that travel sweets, is it?

Travel sweets - that's one of mine.

A big box with small sweets in it would be funny.

Shall we have some music?

Ease the tension. Let's have the radio.

# Could you give this man a ride? Sweet mamma he will die

# Killer on the road. #

There's too much music in the world.

That's quite a thumb you've got on you. I bet there's a story behind that.

You wanna know about my thumb, do you, boy?

Intrigue you, does it, boy, my thumb?

Let me tell you about it.

I come from a long line of hitchhikers,

all with bleeding massive thumbs.

You see the thumb is a tremendous boon to the hitchhiker.

It helps with work, know what I mean?

The only problem was, when I was a child, my thumb was tiny.

Not tiny - like a single Sugar Puff. Disgusting!

Me own mother would reel back in horror like an anaconda.

"Oh, what is it?! Get it out of here.

"It's tiny. It's revolting! Take your tiny thumb and get out of here.

"Never darken my door again", she'd say.

I had to leave the family unit in search of a miracle.

I wandered the streets looking for the answer.

People told me of a magic shaman, part man, part hornet,

so I went looking for him. I combed the universe

in search of the stripy insect shaman.

It turns out he was in a local primary school, in a bin, reeling about with the apple cores.

I stood there with my thumb out

and he stung it. He grabbed onto it. It was like he was making love to it with his sting.

In and out! More and more! The pus! The pain!

The black voodoo! The wet jigsaw puzzle! I didn't know what was happening! I was in a trance.

When I came to, there it was, like a fleshy maraca.

A thumb of gigantic proportion. "A miracle!" I said.

"You're a true wizard! How can I ever repay you?"

And he said to me, "500 euros."

"500 euros?! You won't see penny one from me, you slag!"

And as I raised my thumb up to smash his tiny skull in,

I could see him thinking, "Oh, I created that monster!

"I created that thumb and now it's killing me!

"My own beast and creation killing me dead!"

The sweet irony.

I think he was saying that, although it was a long time ago. In hindsight, he could have been shitting himself.

Anywhere here?

Stop the car!

Don't kill me!

-What?

-Don't kill me! I've got so much to give!

I ain't going to kill you! I need to sprinkle, you onion!

Oh! Right.

I'm going to slash like a powerful horse.

Oh!

It's coming out of me like a yellow cable. Oh!

Oh, yeah! I've been backed up for some time, boy!

Come back here!

'Yeah, right! Come back here!

'I'm not hanging about while you relieve yourself. I'm Howard Moon. Man of action. Things to do.'

Can't hurt to look inside, eh?

A little shoofty? Why not?

# Trapped in a box by a Cockney nut job

# Have a cup of tea, I'm the hitcher Let me put you in the picture

# Creeping in your room in the dead of night with my solo Polo vision

-# That's right!

-I'm a Cockney geezer

# I knew the ripper when he watches the nipper

# I took him out a slice I cut him up a treat

# Bend your banana Bend your banana

-# Bend your banana

-Oh, yeah!

# We're the Piper twins We're Jim and Jackie Piper

# We cut with a knife like a windscreen wiping you away like raindrops

-# Don't mess with the boys!

-Shut your noise!

# Comin' in strong like a freak-show nightmare

# Dancin' skeletons White, blue and yellow 'uns

# Moving through the shadows with the speed of a cat

-# And if you cross us, we'll cut you

-Like that!

# I use voodoo if I chose to I harness the forces of evil to abuse you

# The power, a Polo, an evil magnet We're sucking up your soul You ain't gonna like that! #

Oh, me back's gone!

-Not again!

-Totally gone.

-Grab his legs.

-Oh!

Easy.

-That's why you should never bring a trinket back from Greece. Where to, Nabu?

-Left at the lights.

Hello?

Hello?

-Hey!

-Argh!

-Vince!

-How's it going?

Good. It's going well.

-What are you doing here?

-Some weird bloke put me in his box.

Hideous, wasn't he?

Hideous? I thought he had a certain bony charm.

-I can't believe we're trapped in a box.

-I thought you couldn't get trapped in boxes.

-That was a metaphorical box. This is an actual box.

-Right!

It's massive. Check this out.

HELLO...HELLO...hello...hello.

Welcome to my Zoo For Animal Offenders!

We have all kinds of animals here. Behold the Nazi turtle!

A freshwater fascist for all the family!

On the left, the Ku Klux goose.

All right, boy? But our finest exhibit is over here.

Feast your eyes on Trevor Robinson,

a shire horse with over 37 parking tickets.

All unpaid, mind. Evil hooves!

-What do you want with us?

-I'm going to slice you up!

Oh, I'm a Cockney nut job!

He slashes one way, he slashes the other, he slashes diagonal. He's like Connect 4 in dagger terms.

I'm going to cut you up and feed you to my menagerie.

I ain't all evil. Any last requests, I'll be happy to service them.

-Young lady, anything?

-That's you.

I've an idea. ..Can I blow this?

- I don't see why not. - Leave this to me.

LOUD HORN BLAST

VACUUM CLEANER AT SAME PITCH AS HORN

-What was that?

-Give it to me a minute.

It's a lovely horn. Let me have a go.

PLAYS HIGHER PITCH BLAST

-Great(!)

-What about you, squire? Anything I can do for you before I cut you up?

I always thought I'd fade away to some slap bass.

But I don't suppose that's a style of music that you are familiar with.

I beg your pardon?! What do you think this is?

I'm one of the leading exponents of the jazz-funk movement.

I'm the slap-bass president!

It used to be Mark King, but we had a thumb duel and I smashed him into the ground like a blond tent peg.

"Get back to Level 42 and go about your business!"

PLAYS SLAP BASS

You love it, you slags!

-He's all right, this guy.

-Can you feel the funk?

Look at that - he's melted.

I ain't melted, you onion! You'll never catch me! I'm off!

Well, that was a narrow escape, eh?

Let's go back to the zoo quickly.

-You sure you know how to drive?

-Yeah, it's easy.

-You don't have to do that with your arms.

-Right.

-It's a straight road.

You fools! You smashed me with your iron horse.

-Who are you?

-I am Bryan Ferry, ruler of the forest.

-Have you ever seen Bryan Ferry?

-Yeah. What's your point?

-You look like Terry Wogan.