The Limping Assassin The Royal Bodyguard

HE SNORES

BANG!

QUEEN SCREAMS

SCREAMING CONTINUES

Your Majesty!

Your Majesty!

Hold on, I'm coming!

Whoa!

Oh, Your Majesty. Are you all right?

Your Majesty, I'm sorry about that.

Come in, Dennis, come in.

Thank you, Sir Edward.

Thank you for coming so quickly.

I'm afraid we've got ourselves a bit of a crisis.

As you know, the Queen is attending

the Commonwealth conference at Dunmow Castle on Sunday.

And yesterday we received credible intelligence from MI5

about a plot to assassinate Her Majesty.

Good God.

What makes things worse is that we've got MI5,

Special Branch and the Met all squabbling

over who's to take responsibility for royal security,

and that's why the Royal Family have stepped in and appointed someone

to be their own special personal bodyguard.

-An excellent idea. Who is he?

-Er...

Born in Enfield, trained at Pirbright, Catterick,

tours to Cyprus, Hong Kong...

Please tell me it's not Guy Hubble.

I believe you're expecting me. Guy Hubble.

Royal bodyguard.

Is there a problem?

It's a Tesco Clubcard.

A lot of consideration has gone into this, Dennis.

But it's not Hubble, is it?

When were these last checked out?

-Checked?

-Yes.

Oh, my God!

Her Majesty thinks very highly of him.

He comes from a long-established military family.

I know. His father nearly killed Churchill!

Could be a sniper hidden in there.

-Oh, I'd never thought of that.

-No, of course not.

In my job you have to have a 360-degree awareness.

Just get them checked out, will you?

-I'll get onto that right now.

-Please get on to that right now.

Her Majesty was very impressed with his response

at the State Opening of Parliament.

But it was all Hubble's fault! We only promoted him to captain

to get him out of the way and behind a desk.

Let's keep him where he is, in charge of the palace car park.

Now, I will need a complete audit of your security arrangements here,

which will include the entrances, the exits and the fire escapes.

No problem. I can arrange that straight away.

Just arrange that straight away, will you?

He's a walking disaster, sir.

With him in that job, anything could happen.

HUBBLE GROANS

-Aargh!

-Aaah!

-What the hell are you doing?

-Room service!

-Don't you people knock?

-Yeah. I did!

KNOCK AT DOOR Who's there?!

SHE SCREAMS

Don't move!

-It's the chambermaid!

-What?

-The chambermaid!

-I was just bringing fresh towels.

-Oh.

Well, it would help if you people didn't panic all the time!

I hope the room is satisfactory, madam.

Yes.

Good.

-There's work to be done.

-That's easy for you to say.

I've been fetching and carrying here for three months.

Will you concentrate?

We're two days away from pulling off something that, if successful,

will shake the world to its core,

and you have your mind on other things.

Everything go OK this morning?

Oh, like a dream.

We paid a little visit to the delegate from Belize.

Don't we look alike?

We have done a good job.

Well, here, everything has changed.

Security has been intensified. And there's a new man - Hubble.

Hubble?

Yes, Hubble.

Go on.

-Everything all right?

-No. I've trodden in my lunch.

Oh, I'm sorry. You wanted to inspect the royal quarters?

Yes.

CHAMBERMAID WHIMPERS Come on, let's go.

They're this way.

Guy Hubble, royal bodyguard.

Oh, yes, yes, I've heard all about you, Hubble.

Yates, Royal Household Division. ID?

That's a B&Q loyalty card.

-You're paying attention. That's good.

-Yes, yes.

I had hoped to get a promotion myself,

but someone else got the job.

Yes, well, your time will come. Just watch me and learn.

This room has remained unoccupied for the last three weeks

as requested by Special Branch

-while they've conducted their security operations.

-Really?

We've obviously complied with all requests.

One, two...

-Aaah!

-Are you all right?

Yes, of course I am. I'm fine.

I'm fine. Yes, just checking for hiding places under the bed. It's OK.

It's checked. Fine.

Hello, what's that up there?

It's a loft access to services.

I'd like to take a closer look.

Give me that chair. Give me a hand up.

Give me a push.

Come on, push, man, will you?

There's nothing up there

except for the air conditioning system and the...

-Aaargh!

-..water tank.

SPLASHING

I take it you can shut down the lifts in case there's a security emergency?

Yes. We have a control panel in the plant room.

Ah, good. Oh!

Hello, sir.

Hubble?

Welcome to Scotland, sir.

-You're all wet.

-Yes, just a bit, sir.

So, I'm joining your little team.

Yes. I was given the good news earlier this week.

I'd just like to say, sir,

how much I'm looking forward to working with you.

And if there's anything, anything I can do to help,

you've only got to say the word.

-I'm sure that you feel the same.

-No.

Look, Hubble, let's not make any bones about it,

I wouldn't have chosen you for this job

-because quite frankly I believe you to be a cretin.

-Look out, sir!

Hah!

Hah! Ah!

Sorry about that, sir. I thought there was a sniper there.

Sorry, you were saying?

Yes, I believe I was calling you a cretin.

Oh, yes! HUBBLE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Yes, sir, very good. We go back a long way.

We were in Cyprus together.

Look, Hubble, I've spoken to Sir Edward.

He's determined that I should keep you in the loop,

despite my protestations.

Very good, sir.

We've had some new intelligence.

That's wonderful, sir.

You don't know what it is yet.

-No, I know, but I...

-MI5 have further reports

about the assassination attempt on Her Majesty.

-They think it will come when she's making her speech in the conference hall tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? Good grief!

I shall take control of the conference hall.

I'd like you to monitor all vehicles within the grounds.

But, sir, that sounds a bit like car park duty.

-Call it what you like, Hubble. Those are your orders.

-Yes, sir.

What are you doing?

The sole has come loose on my shoe, sir.

I think it must have happened when I fell in the tank of water.

This is the gold key. It allows access to all secure areas.

Without this it is impossible

to break through our ring of steel within the hotel.

It pains me to do so,

but I've been ordered by Sir Edward to give you one of them.

All right. Thank you, sir.

Just don't lose it, Hubble.

Yes. Thank you, sir. No, I won't. No.

Are you sure this is going to work?

This Hubble is a trained British agent.

He's not going to just reveal their entire security plan to you

the moment he meets you.

Oh, I find with the right incentive, most men will do anything.

This is getting complicated. We hadn't planned for this.

Look, we've got this far. Just think of the publicity.

It'll put ERCA on the map! The start of a global revolution!

It's what we've worked towards for years.

All right, but any trouble, you do this...

..And I will come straight away.

PIANO MUSIC

Have you had security clearance to play this piano?

What?

I take it you're not an employee of this hotel.

Have you been fully vetted?

I filled out two forms last week.

Good. Good.

Nothing like a bit of the old Duke Ellington, is there?

Er, it's Count Basie.

Yes, but I think you'll find that Duke Ellington did it first.

No, he didn't.

-Yes, he did.

-Didn't.

-He did.

-Didn't.

-Did.

-Didn't!

-D...

Sorry. Sorry about that.

Would you like to join me?

Hmm?

I'm all alone until the rest of my delegation arrives tomorrow.

Oh. Well, yes. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I'm Carmen, by the way.

Oh, Carmen. How do you do? I'm Guy. Guy Hubble.

What delegation are you with?

-I'm representing Belize.

-Ah!

-You?

Oh, I'm... Well, I'm security.

MI5?

SHE CHUCKLES FLIRTATIOUSLY

How exciting. I've never met a real spy before.

No, no, no, I'm royal security.

Oh...

Last week I was promoted to this special role.

So the Queen hand-picked you?

You could say that.

Well, she obviously has a liking for handsome bodyguards.

I don't know about that!

Oh, I am so excited about tomorrow.

What time does Her Majesty arrive?

Oh!

Sssh! Carmen, I can't possibly tell you that.

Of course not.

Oh, thank you.

No, not for me, thank you.

You're not going to let me eat alone, are you?

-Well, no...

-I feel like we're only just getting to know each other.

Yes, you see...

And they say the lobster here just...melts in the mouth.

Thank you.

You know, I've always considered crustaceans

to be the heavy artillery of the aquatic world.

With this armour plate, they have survived everything that God...

That God and nature have thrown at them.

But in the end you have to resort to

a sort of blitzkrieg, full-on assault.

SMASHING CONTINUES

There, you see.

Mission accomplished.

PIANO PLAYS

DANA AND HUMBLE LAUGH

Two sambucas.

Thank you.

Oh, golly. I have never had one of these before.

Thank you. I do think, Carmen, you're trying to get me drunk.

Well, I know you Englishmen.

Sometimes it takes a drink or two before you let your hair down.

Oh, yes...

Do you know, I just wanted to say, I know that we've only just met,

but I've never felt a connection with a woman as much as I do with you.

There must have been hundreds of women in your life.

There's one or two perhaps near misses, but...

..Nobody like you.

That's such a sweet thing to say.

To you.

Well, to us.

Careful!

Oh, oh! Oh, my...

Oh! Oh, my eye!

So, this is my room.

Oh, yes. Er...

You're sure I can't tempt you in for a...nightcap?

Well, I'd love to, but, you know, work, and...

..My lips are a bit sore.

Oh, well, I have something that could help that.

Oh, do you?

Come in.

Ooh!

You're being very brave.

Thank you very much.

You know, I always thought

it must be a great honour to work so closely with the Queen.

Oh, it is. It is indeed.

Yet if you don't mind me saying, security seems very low-key.

Yes, well, not tomorrow.

Everyone will be scanned, and access is controlled by a gold key,

and there's only two of us who have one of those.

Do we have to talk about this?

I'm interested in your work.

You want me to be interested in your work, don't you, Guy?

Oh, yes, of course, but I am sworn to secrecy.

Would it help if I kiss your lip better?

M...might do.

FAINT RADIO STATIC BUZZES

STATIC BUZZES LOUDER

Guy, would you excuse me?

I'll be two minutes.

Why don't you make yourself more comfortable?

Comfortable? Yeah!

That's the signal!

Oh.

Oh. I'm so sorry, I seem to have misinterpreted the situation.

No, no, no, Guy. It's OK, it's OK.

Please, stay there.

Relax.

Yeah. Is that good?

Yes, yes. It's very good.

So, you were saying about the key earlier?

You know, when you were kissing me, it really did soothe my lips.

You were saying? About the key?

You know, you really do have very muscular thighs.

I have my mother's legs.

LOUD KNOCKING ON DOOR

-Dana!

-Who's that?

-Did you play with the lights?

-What?!

Dana, I'm going to break the door down!

Who's Dana?

Quick! On the balcony.

-What! Where?!

-There!

-What about my clothes?

-Now! Go!

Call the police!

There's a peeping Tom.

-MAN:

-Where?! Where is he?

-On the balcony. In his underwear!

Calm down, darling!

Ooh!

Aaah! Ooh!

Oh, gawd!

Oh, good evening.

Enjoy your lobster.

Excuse me, sorry. Excuse me, everyone, I beg your pardon.

-Good evening.

-Good evening, sir.

-Carmen?

-I'm sorry you've been troubled with this.

He was rather upset. His wife was, well, hysterical.

I'd like you to understand

his appointment had nothing to do with me.

Hello. Who is it?

Colonel Whittington, Ambassador.

I've just been informed. I can only apologise again.

-Room service.

-Thank you.

My wife is very upset.

Believe me, I will be taking this up with the Foreign Office.

I understand. I'll leave you to your supper.

Mr Stevens, I'd be grateful if you could find us another room,

well away from this Hubble man.

My wife is of a very nervous disposition following an illness...

-SHE SCREAMS

-Florence!

Florence!

I'll call an ambulance.

Well, I still have a pulse. Get her a glass of water.

Hubble?

Hubble?

Hubble!

Yes, sir?

Well, I've checked the trolley and it's all clear.

OK? That's fine.

Sorry to have bothered you.

Please carry on. Good night.

Ah, good night.

-How's it going, sir?

-Well, nobody's crashed through a restaurant roof.

Or attacked a suit of armour in the foyer.

Or flashed at an ambassador's wife.

-Very good, sir.

-You look terrible. Didn't you sleep?

No, sir. I never do when I'm on duty.

-That's why I'm the royal bodyguard.

-And hopefully not for much longer.

I'll be conducting a full inquiry when we get back to London.

Her Majesty has arrived with Sir Edward, sir.

-Very good.

-And this has arrived from London.

She's linked with the Dusseldorf hostage affair, sir.

Run a full...

Run a full check on her. I want to know everything about her.

Absolutely. Or we could ask Hubble,

seeing as he had dinner with her last night.

-Well? Is this true?

-Yes, sir.

-Well, what do you know about her?

-She likes seafood, sir.

-Is that it?

-Yes.

We need to find her, now! Did you know she was linked with this plot?

Well, no, sir. It never came up in conversation.

Her Majesty's speaking in just under an hour. Find this woman, Hubble!

Yes, sir.

Carmen!

Carmen?

Carmen?

It's just here, Ambassador.

A slightly smaller room than you have, but with the same view.

Someone checked out of this room unexpectedly this morning,

so I can offer it to you.

This is the room Hubble was in.

I would rather be on a different floor.

I'm afraid we've nothing else available.

Would you like to stay in your room?

No, no. My wife had nightmares in there last night.

OK, we'll take it.

I'll arrange for your luggage to be moved.

Do let me know if there's anything else you need.

Mr Stevens, I wonder if you could contact a local doctor.

Perhaps he could give her something for her nerves.

CREAKING

Good morning.

SHE SCREAMS

You again! Get down from there straight away! Get down from there!

-You can walk OK in this thing?

-No problem.

Where have you been?

They're on to me. I'll meet you both at the airfield later.

You have about an hour to do this.

OK. All delegates are being electronically screened,

but they shouldn't detect the gun in that leg.

Here's the key. It gives you access everywhere.

Good luck.

SCANNER BLEEPS

Just a moment, sir.

-HOLLOW, METALLIC TAPPING

-All right.

HUBBLE'S SHOE FLAPS

-Have you found her, Hubble?

-No, sir. She appears to have disappeared.

What?! She was right under your nose. What are you doing now?

I'm sorry, sir. My shoe has come unstuck again.

Her Majesty's on her way to the hall.

You stay here. I'll check over the conference hall one more time.

-Hubble, give Yates your gold key.

-Yes, sir.

It's gone missing, sir.

-That's it, Hubble. You're off the case.

-With respect, sir...

No, don't bother with respect! I've none for you!

It's over, Hubble! You're back to the Palace car park.

Now pack your bags and get out of here.

Yes, sir.

ASSASSIN'S LEG CLUNKS

Oh, sorry. I beg your pardon, sir.

I'm so sorry. Please, after you.

Sir.

LEG CONTINUES CLUNKING

I'm so sorry. I beg your pardon, sir.

Bye, Hubble. Lovely working with you(!)

He wasn't limping!

Hubble, I thought I sent you home.

Sir, there was man with one leg only he hasn't got one leg,

-he's got two legs!

-What?

It was a prosthetic leg!

Hubble, have you been drinking?

Yates, get two men. I want Hubble arrested.

APPLAUSE

Look out! He's there!

Ah! Ah! Aaah! GUNSHOT

SCREAMING

GUNSHOT

Are you all right, ma'am?

Well done, Hubble! You've saved Her Majesty's life!

APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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