The Siege of Blenheim Square The Royal Bodyguard

Colonel Whittington for you, sir.

Ah, come in, Dennis.

I'll bring you some tea and biscuits.

Thank you, Miss Gifford.

I have the results of the departmental annual reviews.

Ah, of course. Everyone A-OK?

Yes, sir. With one exception.

Oh. Don't tell me.

It's safe to say that in the 27 years we've run these tests,

no-one has failed quite so spectacularly as Captain Guy Hubble.

Medically, he seems...

-Alive?

-Yes.

His basic health is OK but he's clearly over the hill.

Perhaps I can draw your attention to his physical test results.

The endurance exercise was a three-mile course

designed to be covered in under 30 minutes.

Unfortunately, Hubble was lapped.

Twice.

As for the obstacle course...

Come on, Hubble! Come on, man! Put your back into it!

You'll see from the report what the instructors thought of Hubble.

-Go on, down you go.

-Ah! Ah!

Who-oa!

And as for the final obstacle...

No, I can do it! I...

I can do it!

It took them half an hour to cut him out of that tyre.

I won't bother you unduly with the results of his intelligence test.

Hard to think that anyone could score zero.

With multiple choice,

even by the law of averages, you'd expect to get one right.

But, well, that's Hubble for you.

CRASHING

Captain Hubble has arrived.

I'm afraid tea will be delayed while I find some more cups.

And a new teapot.

Sorry about that.

I've picked up most of the biscuits.

She was right behind the door when I arrived.

Would you like a biscuit, sir?

Thank you.

Sir? Oh.

Captain Hubble reporting for duty, sir.

Yes. Sit down, Hubble.

-Yes, right...

-Over there.

-Yes, sir, thank you.

You're here to discuss your recent performance review.

Oh, good. Very good. How did I do, sir?

Let's have a little look, shall we?

You came bottom in the firearms drill.

You needed oxygen after the assault course,

and according to the examiner in your intelligence test,

you have an IQ somewhere between that of a goldfish...

and a fruit bat.

Well, to be fair, sir, I did have a bit of a cold that day.

Some of the things you wrote on your personal development paper...

You were asked to name areas you would like to improve.

You wrote, "Lewisham."

Yes, sir. I thought they could do with a new leisure centre,

and a nice play area, you know, just for the kiddies.

Look, Hubble, I'm sure you're aware of these cutbacks we need to make.

Now, regrettably, it does mean we're going to have to let some people go.

It's not going to be easy but...

What is that on your chest, Hubble?

Oh, that, sir.

It's a George Medal.

Yes, I popped into the Palace this morning

and picked it up from Her Majesty.

It's for bravery beyond the call of duty at the Commonwealth Conference.

You remember, sir, when I prevented the assassination of Her Majesty.

Oh, one other thing, sir.

She did give me this letter of commendation.

If you'd like to look at it. Thank you.

"My gratitude... immeasurable bravery...

"..looking forward to many more years of service...

"..simply irreplaceable...

"..Her Majesty."

-Right.

-Thank you.

But unfortunately we are still looking at staff redundancies,

starting with the decrepit, like you.

-Are you implying I'm too old, sir?

-I'm not implying, Hubble.

I can still run with the pack.

You were lapped by the pack, Hubble.

Dennis, Dennis, if I may...

what we're saying, Hubble,

is we are going to have to, erm, reassign you

within the department to lower level security duties.

Sir, surely this calls for termination...

No, no, no. Pending a re-evaluation of this report.

I'd like you to work with one of the young Prince's team...

until further notice.

Sir, I'd still prefer to detail Her Majesty.

Hubble, that's an order.

Yes. Yes, sir. Very well.

Thank you, sir.

Dennis, you saw the letter. What was I supposed to do?

CRASHING AND SCREAMING

Powell, any word from the Prince about a departure time?

'Imminent, sir. No sign of Hubble here by the way.'

No, he's meeting us here. Give me an update when you have it. Roger.

-All right, Yates?

-Good of you to join us. Where have you been?

I had a private appointment. All right, what's the latest?

The Prince is having lunch with some friends. Powell is inside.

He says we're looking at an imminent departure,

so we should be on our way very soon.

I've, erm...

I've asked him to keep me posted.

Is there anything else you want to say, Yates?

No.

-Are you sure?

-Well, I was just wondering what you feed it.

What?

That small, furry animal you seem to have perched on your head.

After that meeting, I just thought I ought to do something.

You're right, it's a young man's game, this.

-I actually think it's a good move.

-Do you?

Yeah. Yes, I do. I mean, it takes years off you.

We have just got to hope the RSPCA don't catch up with you.

The man in the shop who sold this to me told me it was top of the range.

It'll stay on even in a hurricane.

So what does it do, then?

Dig its claws into your scalp to cling on?

Look, my friend Gordon has got the same model as this.

He even uses it when he goes out microlighting.

Microlighting?

Yeah, don't you know what microlighting is?

It's the same as hang-gliding,

except they put a lawnmower engine on the back.

-RADIO:

-'Sir.'

Go ahead...

Right. The Prince wants to stop at a jewellers on Blenheim Square.

No, it's not on the schedule.

He wants a necklace for a friend.

Well, he can't. It hasn't been cleared.

-Do you want to tell him?

-Yeah. Give me that.

Press the red one.

-HE SCOFFS

-Obviously!

Powell, this is Captain Hubble.

We can't keep on changing the schedule like this.

I mean, good God!

Is it normally this shambolic on the Prince's detail? I'm taking over.

Powell, we're turning into the square now. What's happening with the Prince?

'He's in the jeweller's now. It's called Layfield.'

'I can't see you, Powell. There's a white van double-parked.'

I'll move this bloke along. You keep your eyes open.

And don't forget, monitor everything.

-You never know what might happen.

-Yeah, quite!

All right. Come on, let's go!

Let's do it! Let's go!

You can't park here, sonny. Come on, move it.

I was only gonna be two minutes.

No, you won't. Come on. Hop it!

You see, Yates, when plans change you've got to be extra vigilant.

-The red one.

-I know!

Powell, how's it going with the Prince in the jeweller's? Over.

What's that?

"What's that? Over." Over.

Over?

Yes. "Over". You say "over" so that I know you've finished speaking.

-Powell?

-Sorry, sir. I didn't know you'd finished speaking.

You didn't say "over". Over.

I want to know what's happening in the jeweller's. Over.

'I'm not in the jewellers. You said you were taking over. Over.'

Yes, I know, when I got there!

In the meantime, the Prince is in there with no protection. Over.

That's right. Over.

I'm going over.

Going where, sir? Over.

To the jeweller's! Over.

Can we drop the "over" business, sir?

It's getting very confusing having to say "over" after everything.

Over.

No, we can't. Over.

We have to observe radio protocols. Over.

Yes, sir.

"Yes, sir. Over."

Are we just talking now? Or are we still on the radio?

Of course we're just talking now, aren't we?

That's because you took so long to learn the radio etiquette.

And meanwhile the Prince is in the jeweller's on his own! Over!

-ALARM SOUNDS

-What's that? What's going on?

Come on, come on. Let's go!!

-GUNSHOTS

-Let's go back!

Is there anything wrong, Powell?

No. No. Your hair just looks different. That's all.

Yes, Sergeant! I'm using a different shampoo.

-The red one.

-Yes, I know that!

Hubble to HQ.

We need back-up immediately.

-Over.

-I know!

Over!

SIRENS SOUND

Over.

'Special unit are here, sir.'

Send them through now. Keep going, keep going, keep going!

We have a high security incident here, please keep moving on.

-But I live here.

-I don't care! This is an emergency. Now move!

-Where?

-There! Move! Now, go!

BRAKES SQUEAL, CRASHING

-You directed me on!

-You're supposed to keep your eyes open!

Well, look at my car!

Powell, this is all your fault.

-You told me to send them on!

-What the hell were you doing?

-Well, it's his fault!

-It's not my fault, it's his fault!

Get out of the car. SHOUTING

-Move it!

-Powell, sort this out, will you?

HELICOPTER SWOOPS OVERHEAD

There you are, sir. It's a siege situation

but everything's under control.

I've cordoned the area off and roadblocks are in place.

-Well done.

-Thank you, sir.

The only teeny weeny problem is that the third in line to the throne is being held at gunpoint.

-Yes.

-How the hell did this happen on your watch?

-I take full responsibility, sir.

-That's good.

-Thank you, sir.

When we come out the other side, I'll expect your resignation.

-What's that on your head?

-I'm not paying for the damage.

-This is on your insurance.

-Sssh. Not now.

-Write your insurance details down.

-Who is this, Hubble?

He just made me crash my car.

Oh, that's a bit of an exaggeration, sir.

Yates, deal with this gentleman.

Yes. Yates, deal with this gentleman, will you?

I'm warning you! Stay there! Nobody move.

This is Commissioner Baker, sir.

I know, Hubble. We're old friends.

-Really? Where did you meet?

-What?

-Sorry. Doesn't matter.

-Hello, Tim.

Dennis. I've made contact with the gunmen and the good news is

they don't appear to know that they've got the Prince in there.

What happened in there?

They only wanted to rob the place but one of the shop assistants set off the alarm,

for some reason their getaway vehicle had gone and they panicked.

I think I may have been responsible for that, sir. Quick-thinking.

When I arrived, I noticed that the Transit van was double-parked

so I got out and told it to move, move on.

So you've turned what was a straightforward robbery

into a full-scale siege with the Prince's life at risk?

They've asked for a car to get them away from here. It's on its way.

-'Can you read me?'

-Baker.

-Permission to make amends, sir.

-Permission denied.

Thank you, sir. I've been round the side of the building, sir,

and I've lifted a manhole cover.

A manhole cover?

Yes, sir. I'm convinced the sewer runs directly under the jeweller's.

Now, if I could get some tunnelling equipment, sir,

I could drill underneath the foundations

and tunnel up into the jeweller's and rescue the Prince.

Yates, go round the back of the building. Maintain radio contact.

They've asked for some food. I think we should oblige.

The first stage of any hostage situation is to keep everyone calm.

We'll send in some pizzas.

-I'd like to take the pizzas in, sir.

-Will you go away? You've caused enough trouble.

-We will need someone to take them in, Dennis.

-Yes, but not him.

They won't feel threatened by him.

Having said that, of course, it could be extremely dangerous,

going into a siege situation, if things kick off.

We're sending the pizzas in.

If he tries anything funny, he's dead.

I suppose sometimes, in these situations, they never come out alive.

-We try not to let that happen.

-Yes, but surely sometimes...

Not there. Over there.

Yes, yes. Of course.

What's that on your head?

Nothing!

All right, now, who's the Hawaiian?

That's him.

One Hawaiian.

And Pepperoni?

-Him.

-Pepperoni, that's for you.

You must be the Margherita.

I ordered a cheese and tomato.

-That is Margherita, isn't it?

-I dunno. Open the box.

All right, OK. Open the box.

Ah, there you are, look. Cheese and tomato. Right.

What's that green stuff on it?

Well, I don't know. It's probably basil.

-I don't like basil.

-Is that my fault?

-I didn't order no basil, did I?!

-All right, I'll take the basil off!

-Get your hands out of my pizza, man!

-Calm down! Keep your hair on!

-Don't tell me to calm down!

-You're getting yourself all worked up, so just calm down.

If you tell me to calm down again, I'm going to start shooting hostages, all right!

You lay one finger on the Prince's head and you'll live to regret it!

Who?

-Well, done, Hubble.

-Thank you, sir. Thank you.

It took guts going in there. Is the Prince unharmed?

Yes, completely unharmed.

Good. And what about the mood of the gunmen?

They're a bit jumpy.

But since I gave them their pizzas, I managed to calm them down, sir.

They're fine now. Everything's fine.

-'Baker?'

-Yes?

We'd like to increase our demands, now we know we've got a prince.

What makes you think you've got a prince in there?

The pizza man told us.

'We want a helicopter to get us out of here, all right.

Have it here in an hour or we start shooting Royals.

I'll talk to Sir Edward.

We might need authorisation to use the SAS.

Yates? What happened?

I've just fallen down a manhole that someone left open.

The pizzas? It's £62.60. You said you'd pay me when you got back.

Yes, I know, but I'm in the middle of a siege here.

We didn't charge for garlic bread.

Hubble, pay the man, if it's not too complicated a job for you.

It's just, you did say...

Yes, all right, all right! Don't go on about it. Excuse me, sir.

If I knew you were going to be like this,

I wouldn't have recommended you.

This changes everything, Dennis.

The Prince is in real danger now. Is Number 10 across all this?

Sir, excuse me, sir. Have you got £7.40?

-What?

-£7.40. It's for the pizza man. I'm a bit short.

-No.

-Oh.

-Yates, have you got £7.40?

-Hubble, go away!

-Yes, sir...

Hubble, I'm standing you down with immediate effect.

You're off detail! Go!

Yes, sir.

So, what about the £7.40?

RADIO: 'And now, the news.

'It's been reported that a security blunder

'has led to one of the young princes being held hostage

'at a jeweller's in London.

'A senior security officer was said to have allowed the Prince

'to go into the jeweller's unprotected.

'It seems that one of the Palace's senior bodyguards

'made the catastrophic mistake at three o'clock.

'How can you put a man of his age in charge of royal security?

-'Well, he must be a right doughnut!

-He's like a mug, innit!

-'The guy's a wally!

-I mean...who's put him in charge?

'I mean, this is the Royal Family! The thing that makes Britain...'

Hello, Gordon? It's Guy.

Yes, yes, I know it's all over the telly.

Listen, I want you to do me a favour.

Have you still got that microlight?

How's the helicopter coming on? We ain't heard nothing from you.

It's in hand but trying to get one here in an hour is too difficult.

We need more time.

Listen! It's four o'clock. If we don't see the chopper by five,

we start with the ginger fella here.

They're starting to get jumpy.

The SAS have arrived, sir.

Thank God.

We've looked at the plan of the building and the layout.

The key, gentlemen, is surprise and complete operational precision.

We need to get men on that roof

without the gunmen hearing a thing

and then down the front and back and through the windows.

If they hear the slightest noise...

ENGINE WHIRRS

CRASHING

ENGINE STRUGGLES

CRASHING

Baker! What was that?!

It was nothing. Just a... satellite dish falling off the roof.

I'm standing with a gun next to the Prince's head, so you better not be lying!

Yaargh! Aargh! Ah!

-What is going on?!

-I'm in the middle of a rescue mission.

-Well, who's going to pay for this?

-Don't worry.

'Are you still there, sir?'

I've now got a home claim as well as a motor claim.

By the way, that chimney needs sweeping.

Come on, give me a hand.

I've got to get to the window next door

so I can get into the jeweller's.

Sorry to drag you into all this, sir, but we thought it important.

I've spoken to Number 10 and they've given authorisation to use the SAS immediately.

I'm afraid Hubble has already jumped the gun.

Ah, no! Aah!

GUNSHOT

What the hell's he doing?

-Just get across that...

-CREAKING

GROANING

Baker? What's going on out there, Baker? I'm warning you!

Sir, I'd like permission to shoot Hubble down.

Dennis, we don't shoot our own men. At least, not on purpose.

He's in breach of my orders, endangering the whole operation,

and jeopardising the Prince's life.

-I'm sorry, no.

-Well, a court-martial at least when this is all over.

The man's a walking disaster, sir.

I can't do it.

I can't do it.

-CREAKING

-Aa-aargh!

SMASHING

I'm going to do it!

I'm going to do it!

What the...?!

Put the gun down! Put it down! Put it down!

Put the gun down!

Hostages all safe and secure, sir.

Well done, Hubble!

Hubble? Hubble, where are you?

Perhaps the impact killed him.

Captain Hubble reporting for duty, sir!

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