Bullets Over Broad Street The Royal Bodyguard

Sniff. Sniff!

Go on, sniff!

Good dog! Good dog, Winston! Good sniffing.

-Morning, Hubble.

-Hm? Good morning, sir. Colonel.

What are you doing?

Hm? Oh. My dog, sir. Winston.

I named him after the...

I can imagine. What's he doing in the gardens of Buckingham Palace?

Well, I'm training him up to be a sniffer dog, sir.

Another member of the Hubble family doing his bit for Queen and country.

There is a website, sir. www.teachapoochtosniff.com.

All canine surveillance operatives need to go through official training.

Yes, I know, sir. The trouble is that Winston's a bit agoraphobic, sir.

And he finds socialising with other dogs a bit difficult.

WINSTONS BARKS

Shall we continue, sir?

We're here for a little birthday reception for Her Majesty.

Yes, of course, sir.

You'll be pleased to know I'm covering all aspects of security for that event.

Good! By the way, did you hear the news from The Old Bailey this morning?

No, I didn't, sir. I was at the vet with Winston.

He's got canine sinusitis.

Yet you're training him to be a sniffer dog?

Anyway, you'll be pleased to hear Bruno Schrunz,

that swine you stopped from assassinating the Queen,

got a life sentence.

Should have got longer than life, sir.

Yes.

Anyway, we must remain vigilant.

ERCA and its anarchist cronies

will stoop to anything to get publicity for their wretched cause.

Yes, of course, sir. You can rely on me.

Hubble, you do know you're wearing odd shoes?

Hm?

Oh, yes. Yes, that was Winston.

He chewed one last night, so I had to send it to the shoe menders.

Why don't you wear another pair?

Well, he only chewed the left one, sir.

-Well, carry on, Hubble.

-Yes, sir. Thank you.

Thank you, sir.

I really must point out,

I've a had a number of reports

that Hubble is showing signs of feeling the strain.

Behaving very erratically.

Look, it's out of my hands, Dennis.

Her Majesty seems to be rather fond of him.

Look after Winston, will you?

Latest security check, Yates?

Well, strangely enough it's all been going perfectly smoothly

since you've been out with that mutt of yours.

I've told you before, Yates,

that security is about 360 degree awareness.

You never know where the next threat may be coming from.

I learnt that in Cyprus.

Do you know where Cyprus is, Yates?

I'll show you.

Cyprus is in fact...

..Wait a minute. Where is it? It's...

Ah!

There.

Yeah.

Just a minute, wait. What's that?

Her Majesty's birthday cake. The delivery van broke down.

Has that cake been checked?

-Checked?

-Has it come from a secure outside source?

They make cakes.

Any object that comes into this building

has to come from a verified secure source.

How many times do I have to go through this?

They're waiting upstairs.

Never mind that, you put that down there.

Put it down and stand back.

-Here, stay there.

-Hubble...

Now, Winston!

I have trained this dog to sniff out and detect gelignite,

semtex and, of course, dynamite.

Now, please, stand back, everybody.

WINSTON WHINES

To sniff and detect! Go!

WINSTON BARKS

No, Winst..! Winston! No! Winston!

Winston! Winston!

No! Bad dog, bad dog! No, Winston, no, please.

It's you. You're all staring at him. You're putting him off!

Look, Yates, come and take Winston, will you? Take him away.

Is there anybody here from the Palace kitchens at all?

-Hubble?!

-Ah, sir.

Just had a little bit of an accident with the cake, sir.

-What?!

-No, it's all right. Don't worry.

I shall write to the Queen and apologise myself.

Wait a minute. It's coming back, actually, quite well... There.

Look, Hubble, we've been thinking.

You've had an awful lot on your plate recently.

We think you ought to take a few days off.

No, no, no. Permission to disagree, sir.

Permission denied.

-Can I suggest a month, sir? Or maybe six?

-No, no, no, no.

Just a few days, Hubble.

Come back refreshed in time for Her Majesty's visit to Oxford next week.

But...sir...

No buts, Hubble. That's an order.

Yes, sir.

Sorry about that, sir...

It's all right. Don't... Just relax. Sir, I'll soon have this cleaned off.

It's, er...

Oh.

Um...

Welcome to Cavendish Gate Health Spa, Mr Hubble.

We have all the usual health spa facilities.

Steam room through there, hot tub, volcanic salt bath, of course.

Oh. Can I have a satsuma?

-They're tangerines.

-Same thing.

Your membership does come with an introductory treatment.

If you're interested, our reflexologist is here today.

Oh, my reflexes are fine.

Good. Right, well, if you step this way, Mr Hubble.

And through here we have Reiki.

Ah!

Hello, Reiki. What a lovely name.

No, reiki's the treatment.

It's the Japanese Buddhist art of palm healing.

Yes, of course. Course I knew that.

My name's Sharon.

Oh. Hello, Sharon. I'm Guy. Guy Hubble.

Sorry about that, but Helen threw me when she said your name was Reiki,

and I thought to myself, well, you know,

bit of a coincidence, what with you, you know, doing the Buddhist palm thingy...

Right.

Well, why don't I book you in for a basic mud wrap later and leave you to it?

You see, the mud dries,

and then strips off all the dead skin clogging the pores

and helps release all the toxins.

Mm.

Got to get this nice and tight.

You starting to relax now?

Oh, yes. Lovely.

Now, I'll be back in half an hour.

Just let all your stresses float away.

Right. Thank you.

DOOR OPENS

Oh, Sharon, could you scratch my nose?

I've got a bit of an itch.

Of course. No problem.

Carmen?!

Hello, Guy.

Don't you "hello, Guy" me! You lied to me at Dunmow Castle!

I know. I'm sorry.

My real name's Dana.

Dana or Carmen or whoever you are,

your lot tried to kill Her Majesty!

Look, I need you to know I've changed. I've left ERCA.

That's why I'm here.

Well, I don't believe you. I'm going to call Special Branch.

As soon as I... As soon as I can get... Argh!

I'm going to get you put away.

Can you help me up?

You nearly got me killed!

I'm sorry. And you always had such nice legs, too.

Yes, well, I like to keep in condition.

You know, daily squat thrusts...

You're small of frame but powerful.

Yes, well...compact.

You see, one thing I wasn't lying about at Dunmow Castle

is that I've always been physically very attracted to you.

Well, they do say I have a certain amount of animal magnetism.

-Oh, Guy...

-Oh... No! No, I'm not falling for that again!

I'm going to get my phone.

Guy, please!

No, Dana, I'm going to turn you in.

Please, Guy, can't we go for a drink and talk about this?

No, Dana! It is my duty to put you away.

Can't get my damn key now.

Do you need a hand?

Yes, please. Would you mind? I put it there for safekeeping, but I don't really... No!

I can't trust you!

So, you won't give me a second chance?

Never!

You did it once,

but nobody gets the better of Guy Hubb... Hubba...

Ah, Mr Hubble...

I hope your headache is not too bad.

Wh-where am I?

What am I doing here?!

-Argh!

-You'll find out soon enough.

Put it this way, you'll make things a lot easier on yourself

if you tell us where our comrade, Bruno Schrunz, is being held.

Who?

He is the man your courts have just sentenced to life imprisonment!

Oh, yes, him.

Yes, him.

He is very important to our organisation,

which is why we need to know where he is being held prisoner.

Well, that's for me to know and you to find out.

Oh, I'll find out.

What will you find out?

I'll find out exactly what you know.

How do you know that?

You might find out what I don't know.

And yet what I do know is not what you are hoping to find out.

What?

I know what I know,

but you'll find out that what I know is not, maybe,

what it is you're hoping to find out.

-So maybe you're never going to find that out at all.

-Shut up!

After lunch with the vice-chancellor of Oxford University,

Her Majesty is then scheduled

to open the new wing of The Prendergast Museum.

By the way, Dennis, isn't Hubble supposed to be here?

Hubble hasn't been seen or heard of for five days, sir.

The department has never run so smoothly.

Has anyone checked his house?

I mean, you know, he might be lying at the bottom of the stairs with a broken neck.

Yes, he might.

Did you get anywhere?

It's been four days and still you have nothing?

We need to find out where they're keeping Bruno.

Here, shoot me.

What?

Shoot me right between the eyes. Here. Just here.

Just don't send me in there again.

Kagan...

I can't take any more! I can't. The man is a fool.

We go round and round in circles, talking in riddles! I can't take any more, I can't...

That's better.

Do it again.

LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

SHE SWITCHES MUSIC OFF

So, 78 hours without sleep and still you won't tell us.

I'm trained to withstand anything the enemy throws at me.

Oh, really?

Yes, you won't break me.

It's all to do with focus and inner control.

You see, I can resist falling asleep for...for...

Oh! Leave him.

If Hubble won't crack, maybe his bosses will.

We haven't got time to kidnap anyone else.

Yes, I realise that!

No, we use Hubble as a bargaining chip.

They want their man back, they have to meet our demands.

PHONE RINGS

Whittington.

'This is ERCA. Listen. And listen good.

'We've got your man, Hubble.

'So, here are our demands.

'Either you release Bruno Schrunz at an agreed time and place

'or we kill Hubble.'

Fine. Go ahead.

PHONE RINGS

Whittington.

-'We got cut off.'

-No, I cut you off.

'You don't seem to understand.'

We will kill Hubble.

'Whittington?'

Our policy is not to negotiate with terrorists.

If that policy is to be changed, I need authorisation from above.

You've got 24 hours.

HE SIGHS

HE GROANS

Argh!

Ohhhh!

OK, Hubble, dinner time.

Grab him!

HUBBLE GROANS

I know he's one of our own, sir.

But I just worry about the risks involved in mounting a rescue.

Sometimes, Dennis,

I get the impression you wouldn't mind if Hubble did get killed.

Oh, now that's really not fair, sir.

TELEPHONE RINGS

Colonel, it's them.

Whittington here.

-So, what's the answer, Colonel?

-I'm struggling to get approval.

We're not playing games, Colonel.

This is a long-standing policy of the British government.

It's not something that can be just quickly overturned.

I need more time.

Well, time is the one thing neither of us has.

Er... I also... I need proof that Hubble's OK.

Maybe a phone call with him,

'or some dated video footage. Then maybe we can...'

Too late, Colonel. Too late.

We have a trace.

They're stalling. I don't think they're going to play ball.

You want me to see to Hubble?

Leave him. Let him rot.

No, we go to Oxford alone.

We're going to have to do the job ourselves.

SIRENS WAIL

Move!

Two on the bottom, two at the top.

Two at the top! Go, go, go.

Police, open up! Go, go, go!

What's clear is that ERCA have regrouped and resumed activities.

So, today I've placed the department at the highest security level.

Code black, sir.

Code red, Hubble.

Exactly.

Now, what is uppermost in my mind

is we need to be at our most vigilant during Her Majesty's visit to Oxford tomorrow.

LAND OF HOPE AND GLORY RINGTONE

Can I take this call, sir? It's my shoe mender.

-Yes.

-Thank you.

Hello?

Yes, I know...

I know I said Wednesday, but I've been kidnapped.

Look, I'm rather busy at the moment on royal official business.

Yes. Right, look, I'll collect it next Thursday.

All right? Goodbye.

Sorry about that, sir.

He's taking his wife to Devon on a surprise mini-break

and he was hoping to get the cash before he goes.

DOOR OPENS

Ah, do come in, Yates.

Are you feeling better?

No, not really, sir, no.

Basic training, Yates. Never enter a room without prior surveillance.

Well, I wasn't expecting a madman to burst out from behind a door,

let alone the man I was there to liberate.

Bit over the top, though, isn't it, with that helmet thing on your head?

I was hit four times with a metal bar.

The doctor said I was a millimetre away

from eating Christmas dinner through a straw!

Do you think we could get back to security matters in Oxford?

I intend to take personal control of the operation.

I've drawn up this schedule.

I'd like to volunteer to assist you in taking personal control of the operation, sir.

You don't appear to be on the roster, Hubble.

I think, what with Hubble's ordeal, sir,

I'd rather thought you would recommend an extended period of leave.

With due respect, sir, I don't want any leave.

I'm raring to go.

Oh. Well, that's good to hear, Hubble. Are you sure?

Absolutely, sir. You see, with the time I spent with them,

it's given me a unique understanding of what makes them tick.

You see, I know they're canny operators, that's for sure.

But if we use our noddle, stay alert,

keep our eyes peeled,

then I know that we can outwit...

Ow! Oh!

Are you all right, Hubble?

-Yes, sir, I'm...

-Are you sure?

Yes.

I'm fine, sir, I'm sorry, I slipped on your glass you left there.

No, no. Don't, don't give it a second thought.

It's my fault entirely for leaving the glass there in the first place.

Hubble, I'm going to monitor events from the control van.

I have yet another migraine coming on.

Oh! If you must, Yates.

Are all the officers in position and fully briefed?

Yes.

-Has the building been swept for any suspicious devices?

-Twice.

-Including the exhibits and the display cabinets?

-Yes.

Then what's that?

Well, I can't see, can I? I have difficulty moving my neck.

All right, OK. Stand back, stay back. Stay, stay.

Are Bomb Squad standing by?

No, they're in the gift shop playing poker.

Of course they're standing by!

Right.

Tell them not to bother.

-What is it?

-It feels like an orange.

An orange?

Yeah, probably left over from a school trip, I suspect.

Ah, um...

What?

My arm. Stuck.

What?

I can't get my arm out of this vase.

Careful! That is a Roman water urn. It is like 2,000 years old!

All right, well, don't just stand there.

Look, give it a tug!

Careful, careful.

Ow, ow, ow!

Her Majesty has arrived so...

What are you doing?!

Hubble's got his arm stuck in a priceless Roman urn, sir.

We don't know if it's priceless. There might be hundreds of them.

For God's sake, Hubble...

I thought there was an undetected device in there, sir.

APPLAUSE >

It was your fault, it was!

Get it out, just...

CHATTER

Urgh, it won't budge!

APPLAUSE

Oh!

I think we've got a bit of a situation here.

Forward two.

-Let's get him on his side.

-Forward two, can you hear me?

What's going on, Yates?

Member of the public seems to have collapsed. An ambulance has been called.

Oh, right. Well, you take care of it and take him and him with you.

On our way.

We must stop meeting like this.

Dana, where do you think you're going?

I think you know where I'm going, Guy.

If you have plans to shoot Her Majesty,

I suggest you make other plans.

That is my plan.

Well, I suggest you make other plans.

No, I think I'll stick to this plan.

LAND OF HOPE AND GLORY RING TONE

Hello?

What?

No! I told you, I'll pick the shoe up on Thursday!

How many more times?

Come out into the open, Guy.

You drop that gun, Dana!

Let me get to that door.

I will kill you, Guy.

You'll have to if you want to get to Her Majesty.

That was six.

Gah!

OK, that's six.

Oh, look! It wasn't an orange. It was a satsuma.

It's a tangerine.

It's the same thing.

-You wouldn't.

-Try me.

Not after that night at Dunmow Castle.

We could have more nights like that, Guy.

Let's escape, the two of us, run away together.

Dana...

Just you and me and a sun-kissed beach.

No, no! Don't come any closer.

Our bodies entwined, separated only by my thong.

GUNSHOT

Hubble, what's going on?

It's all right, sir. Everything's under control.

Now you'll never know what we could have had.

I've got everything that I want right here.

The respect of the Royal Family,

and the respect of the men and women I'm proud to serve with.

Hubble, you half-wit, what the hell have you done in here?

Er... Er... Er...

Stay, Winston!

Stay! And attack!

Yes! Good dog!

Good dog. All right. Enough, enough!

Good dog. On your station! Good dog, Winston.

Well done again, Hubble.

Oh, thank you, sir. Just doing my job.

I have just been with Her Majesty

and she was glowing in her praise for you, wasn't she, Dennis?

Yes.

Well, you certainly seem to have bounced back

after that kidnapping business.

Glad to have been of service, as is Winston.

We've moved away from explosives detection

and more into guard dog duties.

Oh, splendid.

He's primed now to attack on my command.

I'll give you a demonstration, sir?

Hm.

OK, stand by, sir.

And Winston, attack!

WINSTON GROWLS AND BARKS

No, Winston, get down!

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