A Watery Grave The Royal Bodyguard

Come on in then, Hubble.

Thank you.

So, still enjoying hotel life are you, sir?

No, but until I can convince Mrs Whittington

-that I'm not having an affair, I'm stuck with it.

-Oh.

Well, sir, I took the liberty of popping round to see Mrs W.

See if I could pour some cold water on the old matrimonial fire,

as it were.

You did what?!

Well, we had a bit of a, you know, heart to heart

about the situation and she says that she finds you a bit cold.

She went on to say,

"Increasingly distant with rather domineering tendencies."

-Hubble!

-Yes, sir?

You are never to visit my wife again. Do you understand?

Now, look, we've got a lot to do.

The Palace has requested

that we take over the Princess's security arrangements for tonight.

She's attending a friend's hen night,

-and three of her security team have food poisoning.

-Oh, right, sir.

The main event will be held at a hotel in Okehampton.

Okehampton in Yorkshire, I know.

-It's in Devon.

-That's the one.

Room service.

Ah, good morning. Thank you.

Put it on the bed, please.

Have all the hen-nighters been checked for security, sir?

Yes, and the hotel has been surveyed.

I'll be joining you later in the evening

but until I get there, you will be in charge.

Yes, sir. You've come to the right man for the job, there.

360 degree awareness, that's me.

As I always say, sir.

It's not what you know,

it's what you don't know, you don't know is...what we need to know.

No wait a minute. Let me see.

It's not what you know,

it's what you don't know is what you need to know.

Hubble, Hubble! Will you get out of my bathroom?

Sorry, sir, I'm sorry.

Ah, I think I've got it now, sir, it's not what we know...

Is there something wrong, sir?

-You trod on my toe with those great clodhoppers of yours.

-Sorry, sir.

-Just sit down and stop roaming about, will you?

-Yes, sir.

Now, ordinarily, the princess wouldn't accept a security detail

but ever since that paint attack on her horsebox,

Her Majesty's very keen that security is increased for her.

Her granddaughter, well,

underestimates the possible threat to her...

What are you doing?

Sorry, I sat in your breakfast, sir.

What?

It's lucky the eggs were already scrambled

but I'm afraid I've, sort of, squashed your sausage, sir.

No, it's all right, sir. It's fine.

The bacon is perfectly all right.

I'm not eating that now.

You've just sat on it!

I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll get on the phone to room service

and I'll get you another full breakfast, shall I, sir?

-Hubble...

-Yes, sir

Just put your trousers on and go.

It's your black pudding, sir.

I'll go.

Yates, where are you?

Yates? Yates? Come in, over.

I'm going to go in and check that everything is AOK. Over.

LOUD MUSIC

CHEERING

CHANTING: OFF, OFF, OFF!

Ah, ah!

Watch your step, guys.

Ooh!

Ah, go and find Yates and inspect the roof, will you?

The roof?

Yes. This thing nearly crushed me, it's a security risk.

Sorry, it's not really my area.

Well, it is now.

You've got a bit of an attitude problem, young man.

Don't you know who I am?

No.

I am Captain Guy Hubble, Royal Bodyguard.

Oh.

And you are?

Constable Truncheon.

What?

I'm the strippergram, for the hen night.

Oh, right. Yes. Yes, of course you are.

Anyway, I still need to inspect your bag. You know, for security.

Ah, Yates, I've been trying to get hold of you.

-Have you been using channel two?

-Yes, of course I have.

Have all the necessary background checks been made on, um...

Constable Truncheon.

-..Constable Truncheon?

-Yes.

Good. OK, fine.

Ah, well, I'll just check his bag.

Oh, you're a bit of a fireman as well, are you?

They're very popular.

And, um?

Tarzan.

Right. That's all in order. Nothing else is in there, is there?

How much longer is this racket going on?

The party is due to finish at one.

My wife and I wanted a quiet break away and instead we get this!

I'm sorry, I don't know what else to say.

-Are you the manager?

-Yes.

This thing nearly hit me.

More to the point, it could have hit the princess.

Right. You do know you've got shaving foam all over your chest.

I do know that I've got shaving foam... All right. Come along, I want to inspect the roof.

Apparently, there's a skylight up here

that leads directly onto the roof.

That means that somebody could have come up here

-and pushed that gargoyle off.

-I can't see that.

Well, that's why I'm the Royal Bodyguard and you're not.

"Better safe than sorry" - that's my motto.

And as it happens, Her Majesty thinks the same.

Here we go.

Actually, Her Majesty and I have a lot in common.

We often natter together about all sorts of things.

Ah, now, she doesn't like that.

-What?

-People around her chewing gum.

Nicotine replacement, I'm trying to give up.

What, smoking? I didn't know you'd started.

Yes, I started on Monday June the 9th.

Did you? June the 9th. Isn't that a coincidence?

That's the same day I joined the department.

Yeah, I think it was because I really had my heart set on a job

and then from nowhere somebody just...

waltzed in and took it from under my nose.

Oh, really? Do I know him?

What?

Do I know this person who waltzed in and took your job?

Yes, you do. And do you know what makes things worse?

He's a total muppet who's completely out of his depth

and just an embarrassment to the service.

You're talking about Bennet, aren't you?

-Oh, dear God.

-Where are you going?

-I'm going to have a cigarette.

I thought you just had one of those chewing gum things.

It's not enough!

Well, call in on the Princess while you're there, will you?

Ah. There you are. Right.

Right, good. OK.

Please, be careful.

"Be careful," honestly.

I know what I'm doing. I've done all this sort of thing many times.

CRASHING

Agh!

Ah, hello there.

Um...well, I'll leave you two to it, shall I?

I expect you want to be alone.

Those joists are rotten up there.

She's gone.

-What?

-The princess, she's gone.

-What do you mean?

-She's gone off with some mates.

-Well, where's she gone?!

-I don't know!

You go and interview the hen nighters

and see if anyone knows where she's gone.

I'll phone Devon and Cornwall Police for back up.

Everything OK, Hubble?

We're organising a search party, sir.

What?

Hello, yes, this is Guy Hubble, Royal Bodyguard.

I want to organise 20 police officers and a couple of dogs for a search party.

Hubble, what's going on?

Yes, I want it straightaway. Thank you.

Well, sir. It seems that the princess has...

disappeared.

-What?!

-Yes, well,

we're doing everything we can here with the resources that we've got.

-How many officers do you have here at the moment?

-Erm...one.

Hello.

Evening.

What kind of operation are you running here?

What? No, sir, no.

He's not the officer.

He's the strippergram for the hen night. Constable Truncheon.

-Of course I want to change rooms.

-I'll sort this out right now.

-Are you in charge here?

-Yes.

Not now. We're in the middle of a security operation.

He just jumped into bed with me and my wife.

Sir, look, I can explain that later on.

The girls said the princess went to Cherry Cottage,

about two miles outside of Cruttenden.

I woke up and he was lying on top of my wife!

I've found it, sir.

Yes, here it is right on the edge of the moor, sir.

This is why I prefer camping.

I tell you what.

If we take this short cut through the woods...

Sir, I reckon we could be there in 20 minutes.

It's thick fog and we don't know the area, we should wait for back up.

I've trekked across the Malayan jungle, you know, without a map.

-I just think that time is of the essence.

-All right, all right.

Yates, stay here. When back up gets here, meet us at the cottage. Come on, Hubble.

Yes, sir.

This is madness, I can't see a thing.

Don't worry, sir. My father taught me trekking.

Do you remember my father, sir?

How could I forget him? He nearly killed Churchill.

Sir, look! Footprints.

Yes.

Ours!

For God's sake, Hubble, we've been walking around in circles!

Well, I'm sorry, sir, but I can't make head nor tail of this map.

Well, phone Yates, see if back up's arrived.

Can't get a signal. How about you?

Nothing. Do you have any idea where we are?

No.

And meanwhile, the princess could be anywhere.

Sir, whatever we do, we must stick together.

-God, help me.

-It's the main principle of survival training, sir.

Hubble, you're the last person I need any help from.

Sir!

It's a fox trap.

Could have had your ankle clean off.

Thank you, Hubble.

If that had severed an artery you'd have bled to death.

As I said, thank you.

I would have had to drag your corpse right across the moors.

-Can we just leave it, Hubble?

-Yes. Yes, of course, sir.

But I must insist that we follow survival protocol.

-Which is?

-We stay here until the fog lifts.

I'm just going to hang my jacket here on these twigs, sir.

Act as a sort of windcheater.

You know, got to try and keep you warm, sir.

You are the superior officer.

Thank you, Hubble.

We've been through quite a lot these last few months haven't we, sir?

We make a pretty good team.

Are you cold, sir?

Frozen.

Well, there was one little tip I learnt

when we were on Arctic training, sir.

And that was to urinate on each other to keep warm.

I beg your pardon?

Would you like me to urinate upon you, sir?

Maybe you'd just like to huddle.

I'm not huddling with you, Hubble.

It is a genuine survival technique, sir.

If you breathe a word about this to anyone...

I'll have you shot.

Hubble! Get off!

Oh, yes, sorry.

Sorry, sir.

-Did you sleep well, sir?

-No, I did not.

Oh, I did. I slept like a baby.

Oh, well, I think we ought to get cracking, hey?

If my bearings are right, sir,

I think the cottage lies about a mile in that direction.

Morning!

When back up arrived, I just got a squad car there.

The princess was a little worse for wear,

-nothing a good night's sleep won't put right.

-I know how she feels.

Right, are we ready to go, sir?

Hubble, what are you wearing?

Ah, well, as you know,

the princess's itinerary means that she has to attend a hunt

in Gloucestershire this morning.

So, I thought that, you know, I'd blend in.

Hubble you're going nowhere, I've just spoken to Sir Edward.

He wants to see us ASAP at HQ to get to the bottom of last night's fiasco.

I don't think it's fair for you to take the blame, sir.

Well, of course I'm not going to take all the blame. You are!

Ah, you see, it's just that the princess has asked me to drive her.

What? No, I'll drive her.

Sir, Her Majesty did ask me to keep an eye on the princess.

All right, Hubble, you drive

but get out of those ridiculous clothes right now.

Amazing isn't it, sir?

We spent the night out in the cold

and we were only 20 yards away from the cottage.

If we'd kept going as you suggested,

we would have spent the night in a warm cottage.

I suppose that's why you're the superior officer, sir.

-Slow down, Hubble.

-Yes.

Hubble!

I'm trying to, sir. The brakes are not responding, sir.

Hubble!

Hubble!

Oh, morning, Dennis.

Morning, sir.

I have the report of Hubble's latest catalogue of mishaps.

As you can see, I've recommended instant dismissal

on the grounds of complete and utter incompetence.

It just needs your authorisation there, sir.

We've had a test done on the car. The brakes were tampered with.

-So?

-If you put that together with the gargoyle incident,

the obvious conclusion is these were attempts to kill the princess.

That is one conclusion I suppose.

What other conclusion is there, Dennis?

The palace is very concerned with these developments.

We need to heighten her security detail immediately.

I've given Hubble a couple of days leave.

I told him to relax

while we get to the bottom of this thing with the princess.

I still think dismissal is the correct decision.

Dennis, forget about Hubble.

I wish I could, sir.

I think it's me they're trying to kill, sir.

Yes, yes. I read the report.

But why on earth would anyone want you dead, Hubble?

Well...

I suppose they think that if they can get me out of the way,

they could get closer to the Royal Family.

There might be something in that. What do you think, Dennis?

Well, if there is someone hell-bent on killing Hubble,

the best way of finding the killer is to allow Hubble to lead us to him.

Yes, I like it, sir.

It's the old Trojan mouse trick.

What?

Well, you remember the story, sir.

The Romans built a huge wooden mouse and they pushed it into the city

and then burst out of it in a surprise attack.

Hubble, it was the Greeks and they used a horse.

No, I don't think so, sir.

I mean, how could you hide a horse inside a wooden mouse?

I say let the killer take his chance.

DOORBELL RINGS

Who is it?

Yates.

Hello, Yates. What are you doing here?

I'm to be your bodyguard.

What?

I have instructions to be at your side 24/7.

Bennett and the team are outside in the car watching the house.

You do know that someone's trying to kill me, don't you?

Yes, I know that! That's why we're here.

Well, you better come in.

This is gonna be fun. I've never had a housemate before.

Sir Edward has asked me to draw up

a list of the people who might have a grudge against me.

And how many names have you got?

So far, 84.

It's not very nice, when you come to think about it,

that one of your own colleagues might want to wish you dead.

-How's your chop suey?

-All right.

-You ever been to China, Yates?

-No.

I have. I went to Hong Kong. Wonderful place.

I did a tour there about 30 years ago.

Course then, it was all British.

You could get the finest cup of tea there in the world.

See, people forget what us British have given to these countries, you know?

Like, for example, decent tea.

I've got a brochure somewhere.

I'll dig it out for you if you like.

Are you having problems?

Where's Bennett?

Goodbye, Hubble.

Good Lord. Are you all right, Yates?

Where've you been?

I couldn't sleep,

so I got Bennett here to take me to the 24 hour service station.

You see... Oh, I see you found my Hong Kong brochure then?

Oh, urgh.

Good morning, Yates. Sleep well?

No! My arm hurts and my knee's swollen.

Oh, sorry about that. I've got a knee support somewhere.

I'll see if I can dig it out for you. Oh, by the way, good news.

-They think they know who's trying to kill me.

-Really?

Colonel Whittington phoned this morning.

They think it's one Corporal Mallett.

-Mallett?

-Yes.

I remember I packed his parachute one day...

He didn't stop sending hate mail

until we put the restraining order on him.

Anyway, they arrested him this morning.

-Well, that's good news.

-Yes. It is.

So, I'm going to pop in, have a shower

and then I'm going to take you to the doctor's.

Yates?

Yates?

I think you ought to get that arm x-rayed.

Then I'll drop you off home.

Oh!

Damn thing.

To be honest, you're not in a fit position to be anyone's bodyguard.

Not that I need one any more.

Where's Bennett with the car?

Oh, I sent him away.

What with them finding that Corporal Mallet and that.

Argh!

Yates?

Is that you, Yates?

Comfy back there?

What's going on?

What do you think's going on?

-It's me, Hubble. I'm the one who's been trying to kill you.

-You?

Yes, me! Who do you think pushed the gargoyle off the roof at the hotel?

Or who tampered with the brakes on your car?

-Or who peppered you with bullets at the phonebox?

-Who?

Me! It was me!

You don't have a grudge against me or anything, do you?

Yes, I've got a grudge! I've got a massive grudge!

You got the Royal Bodyguard job!

I was the best candidate.

No, you weren't! I was! I still am!

You're completely hopeless, yet, for some reason, people think you're marvellous!

Can't you see how unfair that is?

OK, here we go.

What are you going to do?

Bye bye, Hubble.

Yates, listen. Look, if we just go somewhere

we can sit down and have a chat.

I'm sure we can work this out.

It's all about communication, you see, Yates...

Ah! Slow down, Yates.

It's getting bumpy in the back here.

Now, what was I saying...?

Communication is one of my best skills.

Ah...ah!

Yes, yes, yes, yes!

It's terrible. Absolutely terrible.

A great loss to the department.

Yes, sir. It is.

Yes, awful. Just awful.

Well, we'll just have to wait for the results of the psychiatric test

that Yates has been having. Find out exactly why he wanted to kill you.

Oh, by the way, they've asked to interview you, Hubble.

That should give them their answer.

Don't be too hard on him, sir.

It can't have been a bed of roses for Yates, you know,

being in my shadow.

That's very decent of you, Hubble.

The thing I keep mulling over

is how you escaped from the boot of your car.

Well, sir, the catch on the boot has always been on the blink

and so, when the car hit the bottom of the lake, the boot popped.

Lucky it did otherwise I would have been drowned.

Yes.

Well, I better be off. I've got to get to the Palace.

I'm escorting Her Majesty to Balmoral.

Oh, right, I wondered what the kilt was for.

Yes, well, I like to blend in.

-ALARM RINGING

-Excuse me.

Hubble, your sporran is ringing.

Yes, I know, sir.

The thing is, my watch got damaged when I went into the lake

so I'm using my alarm clock cos I like to punctual, sir.

Can you deal with it, please? This is a gentleman's club.

Yes, yes, of course I will. Sorry I'll just pop...

I'll try and get it...

Good old Hubble. We're lucky to have him, you know, Dennis.

-What?!

-The whole nation is lucky to have him.

Well, that's it, sir. I'll be off.

ALARM RINGING

ALARM KEEPS RINGING

Ah, that's it.

Well, sir, goodbye.

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