Browse content similar to Christmas Special: Barbara's Old Ring. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
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# I would like to leave this city | 0:00:06 | 0:00:09 | |
# This old town don't smell too pretty | 0:00:09 | 0:00:13 | |
# And I can feel the warning signs | 0:00:13 | 0:00:17 | |
# Running around my mind | 0:00:17 | 0:00:22 | |
# So what do you say | 0:00:22 | 0:00:25 | |
# You can't give me the dreams if they're mine anyway | 0:00:25 | 0:00:30 | |
# Half the world away | 0:00:30 | 0:00:34 | |
# Half the world away | 0:00:34 | 0:00:38 | |
# Half the world away | 0:00:38 | 0:00:42 | |
# I've been lost I've been found | 0:00:42 | 0:00:44 | |
# But I don't feel down... # | 0:00:44 | 0:00:47 | |
'Together they make up the egg heads.' | 0:00:51 | 0:00:54 | |
JIM LAUGHS | 0:00:54 | 0:00:57 | |
Jim! | 0:00:57 | 0:00:59 | |
Will you stop knocking Nana with your nuts! | 0:00:59 | 0:01:03 | |
Aw! | 0:01:03 | 0:01:04 | |
-Doesn't it look lovely, the tree, Jim? -Yeah. | 0:01:04 | 0:01:07 | |
So glad we left it up from last year. | 0:01:07 | 0:01:10 | |
-That was our Denise's little tip, wasn't it? -Yeah. | 0:01:10 | 0:01:13 | |
How many times are you going to look in the same bloody place? | 0:01:15 | 0:01:18 | |
-Well, it's my wedding ring, Jim! -I know, but it'll turn up! | 0:01:18 | 0:01:22 | |
Oh, Jim, you're going to have to cancel this repeat prescription, | 0:01:22 | 0:01:25 | |
this bureau's full of pile cream! | 0:01:25 | 0:01:27 | |
Never mind about that, you worry about your ring | 0:01:27 | 0:01:30 | |
and I'll worry about mine! | 0:01:30 | 0:01:32 | |
JIM LAUGHS | 0:01:32 | 0:01:34 | |
Oh, where can it be? | 0:01:34 | 0:01:37 | |
I haven't looked down the back of the sofa yet. | 0:01:37 | 0:01:40 | |
Oh, there's loads of stuff down here! | 0:01:42 | 0:01:44 | |
-Any money down there, it'll be mine, you know, Barb. -Oh, oh, look! | 0:01:44 | 0:01:48 | |
Our Anthony's dummy! Oh bless. | 0:01:48 | 0:01:51 | |
Oh, scratchcard that hasn't been scratched. | 0:01:53 | 0:01:56 | |
That's mine, that, Barb. | 0:01:56 | 0:01:58 | |
-Oh! Look at that, Jim, an old drill. -Hey! | 0:02:01 | 0:02:06 | |
That's Joe's. Put it back. I might want to use that one day! | 0:02:06 | 0:02:09 | |
It's like the bloody Generation Game down the back of that sofa, Barb! | 0:02:09 | 0:02:13 | |
-No fondue sets down there, is there? -No, it's not here. | 0:02:13 | 0:02:18 | |
DOORBELL RINGS | 0:02:18 | 0:02:20 | |
-Get that, will you, Barb? -Yeah. | 0:02:20 | 0:02:23 | |
-Oh, Jim! -Sorry, Barb. | 0:02:24 | 0:02:26 | |
-Aw! -Hiya, Mam. -Hiya, Denise. | 0:02:30 | 0:02:32 | |
-You all right? -Yeah. Are you all right? -Yeah. | 0:02:32 | 0:02:36 | |
-Hiya, Dad. Hiya, Denise, Are you all right? -Yeah. | 0:02:36 | 0:02:40 | |
-Oh, Denise. -Yeah. -I can't find my wedding ring. | 0:02:49 | 0:02:53 | |
Aw, it'll turn up. | 0:02:55 | 0:02:57 | |
It meant a lot to me that ring, it took me three months to pay it off. | 0:02:57 | 0:03:01 | |
36 weeks at one shilling and sixpence. | 0:03:01 | 0:03:04 | |
Yeah, you had to take a second job on to pay for that, didn't you? | 0:03:04 | 0:03:07 | |
Yeah, I was a machinist during the day | 0:03:07 | 0:03:09 | |
and then I'd come home, get your dad's tea, | 0:03:09 | 0:03:12 | |
put whatever channel he wanted on the telly, | 0:03:12 | 0:03:14 | |
and then go out again to the school and clean for three hours. | 0:03:14 | 0:03:18 | |
-Yeah, those were the days, eh, Barb? -Yeah. | 0:03:18 | 0:03:22 | |
We'd be watching the telly of a night | 0:03:22 | 0:03:24 | |
and I'd just look across like that | 0:03:24 | 0:03:27 | |
and she'd be fast asleep, the poor oul thing. | 0:03:27 | 0:03:31 | |
So, I'd leave her there sometimes till 10 | 0:03:31 | 0:03:34 | |
or even 11 o'clock, | 0:03:34 | 0:03:36 | |
but then I'd lean across and I used to whisper, | 0:03:36 | 0:03:39 | |
"Come on, Barb. Come on, Barbara, love. | 0:03:39 | 0:03:43 | |
"You fell asleep in your chair again. | 0:03:43 | 0:03:46 | |
"You know what time it is? It's time. | 0:03:46 | 0:03:48 | |
-"It's time for me supper. -Aw! | 0:03:48 | 0:03:52 | |
-'Is that your answer? -Yeah. -It is the right answer, Judith...' | 0:03:55 | 0:03:58 | |
-Have you had your tea? -Yeah. | 0:04:00 | 0:04:02 | |
-What did you have? -Chops. | 0:04:02 | 0:04:05 | |
Chops, oh, how lovely! Lamb or pork? | 0:04:05 | 0:04:08 | |
I don't mean chops, I mean chips. | 0:04:08 | 0:04:10 | |
-Little Norma made 'em. -Oh! | 0:04:13 | 0:04:16 | |
I got her a little stool, so she can reach the chip pan. | 0:04:16 | 0:04:19 | |
What a good idea! | 0:04:19 | 0:04:20 | |
Well, when you've got kids, you've got to think, safety first. | 0:04:20 | 0:04:24 | |
Oh, you have, Denise. | 0:04:24 | 0:04:25 | |
That's why I make 'em wear fluorescent jackets, | 0:04:25 | 0:04:27 | |
when I send them to the off-licence at night. | 0:04:27 | 0:04:30 | |
Oh yes, safety first. | 0:04:30 | 0:04:32 | |
They're at that dead cheeky stage now. | 0:04:34 | 0:04:37 | |
Keep saying things like, "I hate you" | 0:04:37 | 0:04:39 | |
and "I wish I'd never been born!" | 0:04:39 | 0:04:41 | |
THEY LAUGH | 0:04:41 | 0:04:43 | |
What are they like? | 0:04:43 | 0:04:45 | |
Oh, Denise, where's Dave? | 0:04:51 | 0:04:55 | |
Oh, he's not here. | 0:04:55 | 0:04:58 | |
-Jim, Dave's not here. -Who? -David. | 0:04:58 | 0:05:02 | |
David, Denise's husband. | 0:05:02 | 0:05:04 | |
Oh, Dave, yeah! Where is Dave, Denise? | 0:05:04 | 0:05:08 | |
-Erm, He's had to go somewhere. -Oh. | 0:05:08 | 0:05:11 | |
You should have said earlier, I could have been missing him. | 0:05:11 | 0:05:15 | |
You know, I thought there was more room on the sofa! | 0:05:15 | 0:05:19 | |
Where's he gone? | 0:05:19 | 0:05:21 | |
-Who? -Dave. | 0:05:21 | 0:05:23 | |
Erm... He's at a... conference. | 0:05:23 | 0:05:26 | |
A conference? Dave? Oh, Denise! | 0:05:26 | 0:05:30 | |
You must be so proud! | 0:05:30 | 0:05:32 | |
A conference? Dave? He's a bloody removal man! | 0:05:32 | 0:05:35 | |
What does he want a conference for? | 0:05:35 | 0:05:38 | |
How many are at this conference, Denise? | 0:05:38 | 0:05:41 | |
Just Dave. | 0:05:41 | 0:05:44 | |
Oh, just Dave. Oh, that's nice. | 0:05:44 | 0:05:46 | |
JIM LAUGHS | 0:05:46 | 0:05:49 | |
That's not a bloody conference! That's just Dave talking to himself! | 0:05:50 | 0:05:55 | |
And where are they having this conference, eh? | 0:05:55 | 0:05:57 | |
-In his van? -Jim, why can't you be happy for Dave's conference? | 0:05:57 | 0:06:02 | |
Anyway, that's how conferences start, with one person! | 0:06:02 | 0:06:06 | |
Does anyone want a cup of tea? I'm going to put a brew on. | 0:06:08 | 0:06:12 | |
Oh, Jim. She's not herself. Something's the matter. | 0:06:19 | 0:06:24 | |
Mam! Where are the mugs? | 0:06:25 | 0:06:29 | |
In the top cupboard. | 0:06:29 | 0:06:31 | |
Mam. Where do you keep the milk? | 0:06:33 | 0:06:36 | |
In the fridge. | 0:06:36 | 0:06:40 | |
Mam. How much milk do you put in the mugs? | 0:06:40 | 0:06:44 | |
Oh, I'll go and help her. | 0:06:44 | 0:06:47 | |
'Oh, you're doing well, you've got the mugs out. | 0:06:49 | 0:06:52 | |
'That's good.' | 0:06:52 | 0:06:54 | |
-So, THAT'S how much milk you put in. -Oh, right! | 0:06:58 | 0:07:02 | |
-Are you all right, Denise? -Yeah, yeah. -Are you sure? | 0:07:05 | 0:07:10 | |
-Yeah. -You know you can tell me anything, don't you? | 0:07:10 | 0:07:13 | |
-Well, me and Dave have been having problems in the bedroom. -Oh, Denise! | 0:07:14 | 0:07:18 | |
-Is the wallpaper peeling off again? -No, no, not that. | 0:07:18 | 0:07:23 | |
-Well, you know Dave? -Yeah, Dave. -Well, you know Dave's dickie? | 0:07:23 | 0:07:27 | |
-Yeah, Dave's dickie. -Well, it's broken. | 0:07:27 | 0:07:30 | |
-Dave's dickie's broken? -That's where he is, really. | 0:07:30 | 0:07:33 | |
-He's took it to the doctors. -Oh, Denise, what's happened to it? | 0:07:33 | 0:07:38 | |
Well... don't know how to say it, really... | 0:07:38 | 0:07:42 | |
well, you know when little David had that bouncy castle | 0:07:42 | 0:07:45 | |
-and he tried all day to inflate it, but it wouldn't go up? -Yeah. | 0:07:45 | 0:07:50 | |
-Well, that's what happened to Dave. -Oh, poor Dave's dickie. | 0:07:50 | 0:07:53 | |
-You'll have to get it sorted, what with Christmas coming on. -Yeah. | 0:07:53 | 0:07:58 | |
I had to talk him into going to the doctors, | 0:07:58 | 0:08:01 | |
he's really embarrassed about it. | 0:08:01 | 0:08:04 | |
Oh, was he? | 0:08:04 | 0:08:05 | |
Yeah, he didn't want to show it to the doctor | 0:08:05 | 0:08:07 | |
so he took a photo of it on his mobile phone, | 0:08:07 | 0:08:10 | |
-but that's caused upset. -Why? | 0:08:10 | 0:08:12 | |
Well, he thought he'd sent his mam a photo of the kids. | 0:08:12 | 0:08:16 | |
Oh, no, Denise! Poor Jocelyn, | 0:08:16 | 0:08:19 | |
-having Dave's dickie in her inbox. -I know. | 0:08:19 | 0:08:23 | |
-I -wish your dad's dickie was broken. | 0:09:03 | 0:09:06 | |
-He can be a real nuisance with his. -Yeah. | 0:09:06 | 0:09:09 | |
-Are you sure Dave hasn't been overworking it? -No. | 0:09:09 | 0:09:13 | |
Well, not that I know of. | 0:09:13 | 0:09:15 | |
-And he hasn't trapped it in the George Foreman grill again? -No. | 0:09:15 | 0:09:20 | |
You don't think it's something psychological, do you? | 0:09:20 | 0:09:23 | |
What, with Dave? No. | 0:09:23 | 0:09:26 | |
Do you know what? | 0:09:27 | 0:09:30 | |
-Your dad may have some advice on this. -Don't tell me dad! | 0:09:30 | 0:09:33 | |
No, no, Denise. | 0:09:33 | 0:09:35 | |
Your dad's very fond of David, I know he can take the mickey, | 0:09:35 | 0:09:39 | |
but he can be very sensitive, your father, when he needs to be. | 0:09:39 | 0:09:43 | |
-Do you think so? -Yeah. | 0:09:43 | 0:09:46 | |
-All right. I'll finish the brew. -Yeah. | 0:09:46 | 0:09:50 | |
JIM LAUGHS | 0:10:02 | 0:10:04 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:10:05 | 0:10:07 | |
Jim! Grow up! | 0:10:07 | 0:10:09 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:10:09 | 0:10:11 | |
I don't need a present this year, that's my present! | 0:10:12 | 0:10:16 | |
Wait till the lads in The Feathers hear about this! | 0:10:16 | 0:10:20 | |
-Dad! -Jim, enough! | 0:10:20 | 0:10:23 | |
I told Denise out there | 0:10:23 | 0:10:24 | |
that you would handle Dave's dickie sensitively. | 0:10:24 | 0:10:27 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:10:27 | 0:10:29 | |
Oh, Jim! This is serious, this is! He's not at a conference. | 0:10:29 | 0:10:32 | |
He's taken it to the doctors. | 0:10:32 | 0:10:34 | |
HE LAUGHS HARDER | 0:10:34 | 0:10:38 | |
Has he tried bathing it in milk? | 0:10:39 | 0:10:41 | |
HE HOOTS AND LAUGHS | 0:10:41 | 0:10:44 | |
In milk?! Bloody hell, Barb! | 0:10:47 | 0:10:50 | |
It's not smoked haddock! | 0:10:50 | 0:10:52 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:10:52 | 0:10:54 | |
I hope he hasn't worn it out. | 0:10:54 | 0:10:56 | |
They don't have a very long shelf life, these things, you know. | 0:10:56 | 0:10:59 | |
It hasn't got a best before date | 0:10:59 | 0:11:01 | |
stamped on the end of it, has it, Denise? | 0:11:01 | 0:11:03 | |
DENISE TUTS | 0:11:03 | 0:11:05 | |
Aw, I could hear him upstairs last night, | 0:11:07 | 0:11:09 | |
trying to start it up while Songs of Praise was on. | 0:11:09 | 0:11:12 | |
What were they singing? | 0:11:12 | 0:11:13 | |
# Stand up, stand up | 0:11:13 | 0:11:15 | |
# For Jesus! # | 0:11:15 | 0:11:17 | |
THEY GIGGLE | 0:11:17 | 0:11:19 | |
-DOORBELL RINGS -That'll be Dave. | 0:11:21 | 0:11:24 | |
Get that, will you, Barb? That'll be Mr Softy! | 0:11:24 | 0:11:27 | |
-DENISE GASPS -Jim! -Dad! | 0:11:27 | 0:11:28 | |
I told him I wouldn't tell anyone! | 0:11:28 | 0:11:30 | |
Jim! You, zip it! | 0:11:30 | 0:11:32 | |
All right, all right! | 0:11:32 | 0:11:35 | |
-Hiya, Dave. -Hiya, Barbara. | 0:11:35 | 0:11:39 | |
-You all right? -Yeah. Hiya, Jim. | 0:11:39 | 0:11:42 | |
Hiya, Dave! | 0:11:42 | 0:11:44 | |
-Hiya, Denise. -Hiya, Dave. | 0:11:44 | 0:11:46 | |
Dave, FLOP yourself down there. | 0:11:46 | 0:11:49 | |
-HE STIFLES LAUGH -How did the conference go, Dave? | 0:11:52 | 0:11:54 | |
Oh, all right, yeah. | 0:11:54 | 0:11:56 | |
-HE CHUCKLES -What was it about, Dave? | 0:11:56 | 0:11:58 | |
Just the usual conference stuff, you know. | 0:11:58 | 0:12:01 | |
Just the usual, eh? | 0:12:01 | 0:12:03 | |
I tell you what, I'll bet you were bored STIFF, weren't you? | 0:12:03 | 0:12:07 | |
-I was, yeah. -The main thing is, Dave, | 0:12:07 | 0:12:10 | |
-always keep your pecker up. -Mmmm. | 0:12:10 | 0:12:13 | |
HE CHUCKLES | 0:12:13 | 0:12:16 | |
Do you need a cushion or anything, Dave? | 0:12:18 | 0:12:21 | |
I'm all right, thanks, Barbara. | 0:12:21 | 0:12:25 | |
Do you fancy a brew, Dave? | 0:12:25 | 0:12:27 | |
-Ooh, yes, please. -I'll put the kettle on. | 0:12:27 | 0:12:31 | |
Jim! | 0:12:31 | 0:12:32 | |
Oh, hey, Dave? Did anything POP UP at the conference? | 0:12:35 | 0:12:39 | |
No, not really. | 0:12:39 | 0:12:41 | |
Jim, whose is this fiver on the table? | 0:12:41 | 0:12:45 | |
Fiver? Hang on, Barb. I think that might be mine. | 0:12:45 | 0:12:49 | |
-Where is it? -There isn't a fiver. | 0:12:54 | 0:12:56 | |
They need their privacy. They don't need you listening in! | 0:12:56 | 0:12:59 | |
HE GROANS | 0:12:59 | 0:13:01 | |
How did you get on at the doctors, Dave? | 0:13:03 | 0:13:06 | |
-Oh, he says he sees this problem a lot in the North West. -Does he? | 0:13:06 | 0:13:12 | |
-Yeah, he's told me to keep my eye on it. -Oh. | 0:13:12 | 0:13:15 | |
He said it might be stress-related. | 0:13:17 | 0:13:20 | |
What are you stressed about? | 0:13:20 | 0:13:22 | |
It's probably the conference. | 0:13:22 | 0:13:25 | |
-We made that up. -Oh, yeah. We did, yeah. | 0:13:25 | 0:13:28 | |
-HE CHUCKLES -Dave? Dave? | 0:13:31 | 0:13:33 | |
Would you like a nice cup of tea, or would you like a coffee? | 0:13:33 | 0:13:38 | |
Or maybe you prefer something a little bit stiffer? | 0:13:38 | 0:13:42 | |
HE CHUCKLES | 0:13:42 | 0:13:44 | |
A cup of tea, please, Jim. | 0:13:44 | 0:13:46 | |
Tell you what, though, Denise. | 0:13:49 | 0:13:51 | |
I'm glad your dad doesn't know about it. | 0:13:51 | 0:13:53 | |
If he knew, he wouldn't HALF take the Mickey. | 0:13:53 | 0:13:56 | |
# Chestnuts roasting on an open fire | 0:14:01 | 0:14:08 | |
# Jack Frost nipping at your nose... # | 0:14:08 | 0:14:13 | |
10, 20, 30, 40 | 0:14:13 | 0:14:19 | |
50, 60... | 0:14:19 | 0:14:23 | |
HE CHUCKLES | 0:14:23 | 0:14:25 | |
..70, 80, 90, 100! | 0:14:25 | 0:14:31 | |
HE CHUCKLES | 0:14:31 | 0:14:33 | |
-All right, love? -Yeah. | 0:14:38 | 0:14:39 | |
I think I've gone over the top with presents this year. | 0:14:40 | 0:14:43 | |
Then again, if you can't spoil your family at Christmas, when can you? | 0:14:43 | 0:14:47 | |
Two hours in Poundland, I was. | 0:14:48 | 0:14:51 | |
I think I've got it all now, though. | 0:14:51 | 0:14:53 | |
Look at these four, Barb! | 0:14:53 | 0:14:55 | |
All that's missing's a bloody cauldron! | 0:14:55 | 0:14:58 | |
-Hey, you know who was in there? -Who? | 0:14:58 | 0:15:00 | |
-Dandruff Derek. -Who? -Dandruff Derek, | 0:15:00 | 0:15:04 | |
you know, he's got a moustache just there. | 0:15:04 | 0:15:06 | |
Where else would you have a moustache, Barb? | 0:15:06 | 0:15:08 | |
Oh, he was looking at the head and shoulders. | 0:15:08 | 0:15:11 | |
I usually feel sorry for him with all that dandruff | 0:15:11 | 0:15:14 | |
but it does look nice at Christmas. | 0:15:14 | 0:15:17 | |
You know, it's like the first drops of snow. | 0:15:17 | 0:15:19 | |
You ought to put him in one of those globes | 0:15:19 | 0:15:22 | |
that you shake up and put on the bloody mantelpiece. | 0:15:22 | 0:15:24 | |
THEY CHUCKLE | 0:15:24 | 0:15:26 | |
-Oh, eh - you've missed HER while you've been out. -Who? | 0:15:26 | 0:15:29 | |
Her who's moved in next door, bloody cadging Carol. | 0:15:29 | 0:15:32 | |
Oh, what did she want this time? | 0:15:32 | 0:15:34 | |
-A toilet roll! -Toilet roll? | 0:15:34 | 0:15:36 | |
Aye! A full bloody one and all, | 0:15:36 | 0:15:38 | |
-I gave her 'alf a one and said, "Use both bloody sides." -Jim! | 0:15:38 | 0:15:41 | |
-Well, we'll never get it back! -Well, we don't want it back, do we, | 0:15:41 | 0:15:44 | |
if they've wiped their bottoms on it. | 0:15:44 | 0:15:45 | |
Do you know what, Barb, sometimes I give up on you. | 0:15:45 | 0:15:48 | |
Oh... | 0:15:48 | 0:15:49 | |
I feel dead sorry for her with all them kids to look after. | 0:15:49 | 0:15:53 | |
Yeah, and all with different fathers, eh? | 0:15:53 | 0:15:55 | |
Jim, you don't know that. | 0:15:55 | 0:15:57 | |
I don't know that? One's English, one's Chinese and one's Indian. | 0:15:57 | 0:16:01 | |
It's like the bloody Olympic Village next door. | 0:16:01 | 0:16:03 | |
FRONT DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES | 0:16:03 | 0:16:04 | |
-Oh, hiya, Joe. -Hi, Barbara. | 0:16:06 | 0:16:09 | |
-You all right, J? -Ah, you know, I'm not bad. | 0:16:09 | 0:16:12 | |
-Any news on Dave's dicky? -No. | 0:16:14 | 0:16:17 | |
-Oh, I've got a get well card for it, from Cheryl. -Oh, no. | 0:16:18 | 0:16:22 | |
You've got to keep it to yourself, Joe. He's trying to keep it private. | 0:16:22 | 0:16:25 | |
Aye, that's what I was telling them all in The Fellas last night. | 0:16:25 | 0:16:28 | |
Yeah. They were very sensitive about it in the hairdresser's. | 0:16:28 | 0:16:32 | |
Sensitive, my arse. Dave's the only one who won't talk about it! | 0:16:32 | 0:16:36 | |
I had them laughing their bloody heads off in the newsagents this morning. | 0:16:36 | 0:16:39 | |
JOE CHUCKLES LOUDLY | 0:16:39 | 0:16:41 | |
-Found your ring yet, Barbara? -No. -Checked your finger? -Yeah. | 0:16:41 | 0:16:45 | |
I was telling Barbara SHE was round before on the borrow again. | 0:16:47 | 0:16:51 | |
Bloody cadging Carol. | 0:16:51 | 0:16:52 | |
Oh, she came round to my house to borrow my drill. | 0:16:52 | 0:16:54 | |
I must have lent it to somebody, but I can't remember who. | 0:16:54 | 0:16:58 | |
See, that's the trouble, Joe. People have got no respect for other people's bloody property these days. | 0:16:58 | 0:17:02 | |
-I think I... -No, Barbara, no respect at all. | 0:17:02 | 0:17:06 | |
Oh, Joe, how's your Cheryl's new job going at the hospice? | 0:17:09 | 0:17:14 | |
-Oh, she loves it, yeah. Yeah. -Ah. | 0:17:14 | 0:17:17 | |
She's been helping with all the Christmas dinners all week. | 0:17:18 | 0:17:21 | |
-Oh, ain't she good? -Because a lot of them can't finish a big meal. | 0:17:21 | 0:17:25 | |
-Aw. -Aye, she's put on a stone and a half. -Oh. | 0:17:25 | 0:17:29 | |
JIM LAUGHS | 0:17:29 | 0:17:31 | |
I don't see much of her nowadays. | 0:17:31 | 0:17:33 | |
She's saved up and bought herself a fridge freezer for her bedroom. | 0:17:33 | 0:17:36 | |
-Cheryl? Has she? -She's 36 now. | 0:17:36 | 0:17:40 | |
-You know, she wants a bit of independence. -Of course she does. | 0:17:40 | 0:17:44 | |
-Anyway, I've got something to announce. -Oh, what is it, Joe? | 0:17:46 | 0:17:50 | |
-My girlfriend. -Ah! | 0:17:52 | 0:17:54 | |
Have you got a girlfriend? | 0:17:54 | 0:17:57 | |
-No, but I put in for one. -How do you mean, Joe? | 0:17:57 | 0:18:00 | |
Well, I've put an advert in the paper in the lonely hearts section. | 0:18:00 | 0:18:05 | |
-I'm going to audition them all and then pick the best one. -Bloody hell, Joe! | 0:18:05 | 0:18:08 | |
It's not the X Factor! How many do you think are going to turn up? | 0:18:08 | 0:18:13 | |
Eh, we won't have to rope off the street, will we? | 0:18:13 | 0:18:17 | |
-What does it say in your ad, Joe? -Well, I'll go and get it, shall I? | 0:18:17 | 0:18:21 | |
Oh, yeah. Yeah. | 0:18:21 | 0:18:22 | |
He's going bloody worse, he'll be round the bloody twist. | 0:18:25 | 0:18:27 | |
Oh, don't say that, Jim. | 0:18:27 | 0:18:29 | |
We've got One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest over on that side, the bloody Borrowers on that bloody side. | 0:18:29 | 0:18:34 | |
And don't go blurting out about that drill, will you, Barb? | 0:18:34 | 0:18:37 | |
Well, you never use it. | 0:18:37 | 0:18:39 | |
You wouldn't even lend it to cadging Carol the other day. | 0:18:39 | 0:18:42 | |
Because I'd never have got the bugger back if I had, would I? | 0:18:42 | 0:18:44 | |
-What about Joe with the lonely hearts? -Aw. | 0:18:48 | 0:18:51 | |
He's quite a catch, Joe. | 0:18:51 | 0:18:53 | |
Quite a catch?! | 0:18:53 | 0:18:55 | |
He sits watching Police, Camera, Action! | 0:18:55 | 0:18:57 | |
with his arm around his bloody dead wife in an urn. | 0:18:57 | 0:18:59 | |
He's got a 36-year-old daughter upstairs in the bedroom with | 0:18:59 | 0:19:02 | |
her head stuck in the bloody fridge freezer. | 0:19:02 | 0:19:04 | |
You think he's quite a catch? | 0:19:04 | 0:19:06 | |
-DOOR CLOSES -Look out, here he is. He's back. | 0:19:06 | 0:19:09 | |
-Hi, Barbara. -Hi, Joe. -All right, Joe? -All right, Jim? | 0:19:14 | 0:19:17 | |
-Are you going to read it us? -What? -Your advert in the paper? -Oh! | 0:19:19 | 0:19:26 | |
Aye! Aye. | 0:19:27 | 0:19:28 | |
Right. I've put the heading, "Vacant Lady Wanted." | 0:19:34 | 0:19:38 | |
-"Vacant lady required for mature widow." -Oh, that sounds good. | 0:19:41 | 0:19:45 | |
"Interests - Police, Camera, Action!, Embarrassing Bodies, and Eggheads. | 0:19:45 | 0:19:50 | |
"In good health, apart from the occasional irritable bowel." | 0:19:50 | 0:19:54 | |
-Why don't you just send a stool sample and be done with it? -(Jim.) | 0:19:55 | 0:20:00 | |
"And slight psoriasis." In brackets, "one elbow only." | 0:20:00 | 0:20:04 | |
-Bloody hell, Joe. -'Own "ar, | 0:20:04 | 0:20:06 | |
"tax up to date, slight crack in wing mirror." | 0:20:06 | 0:20:09 | |
Is this going in the Evening News or in the bloody Auto Trader? | 0:20:09 | 0:20:12 | |
"Looking for fun, friendship and, hopefully, | 0:20:12 | 0:20:15 | |
"occasional intimate encounters. | 0:20:15 | 0:20:17 | |
-"To be agreed upon." -Agreed upon? | 0:20:18 | 0:20:21 | |
Bloody hell, Joe! | 0:20:21 | 0:20:23 | |
-I'd never get my leg over if Barbara had to agree to it. -Jim! | 0:20:23 | 0:20:26 | |
-I think that sounds lovely, Joe. -Oh, thanks, Barbara. | 0:20:28 | 0:20:33 | |
Right, I'd better be off. | 0:20:33 | 0:20:34 | |
I said I'd defrost our Cheryl's fridge freezer this afternoon. | 0:20:34 | 0:20:38 | |
-Bye, Barbara. -Bye, Joe. -See you, Jim. -Tara, Joe. | 0:20:38 | 0:20:43 | |
Oh, Joe, let me know if you want me | 0:20:43 | 0:20:44 | |
to send Barbara round to, er, man the phone lines. | 0:20:44 | 0:20:47 | |
What's he like? | 0:20:49 | 0:20:50 | |
What's he like? WE know what he's like. | 0:20:50 | 0:20:52 | |
It's the poor vacant lady I feel sorry for. | 0:20:52 | 0:20:55 | |
All she's got to look forward to is one cracked wing mirror | 0:20:55 | 0:20:58 | |
and one cracked pot. | 0:20:58 | 0:20:59 | |
# Oh the weather outside is frightful | 0:21:06 | 0:21:09 | |
# But the fire is so delightful | 0:21:09 | 0:21:12 | |
# And since we've no place to go | 0:21:12 | 0:21:16 | |
# Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow... # | 0:21:16 | 0:21:19 | |
-How's your mum's dog, Dave? Is it still gay? -Yeah. -Aw. | 0:21:19 | 0:21:24 | |
-Will it still only eat quiche? -Yeah. | 0:21:26 | 0:21:29 | |
'By revealing ambitious plans and a flourishing revenue stream...' | 0:21:31 | 0:21:35 | |
-I love Dragons' Den, me. -Yeah. | 0:21:35 | 0:21:37 | |
What do you think the best invention that's ever been is? | 0:21:37 | 0:21:41 | |
-ALL: -The telly! | 0:21:41 | 0:21:44 | |
-BARBARA AND DENISE: -Yeah. | 0:21:44 | 0:21:45 | |
I think it's the corned beef key because until they invented that, | 0:21:45 | 0:21:50 | |
how would anybody know what corned beef tasted like? | 0:21:50 | 0:21:53 | |
Oh, Dave, yeah, I agree. | 0:21:53 | 0:21:57 | |
I bet the sales of corned beef went through the roof | 0:21:58 | 0:22:01 | |
-when they invented that. -Oh, yeah. | 0:22:01 | 0:22:03 | |
-What would you have invented, Mam? -Oh, erm... | 0:22:04 | 0:22:08 | |
-the George Foreman Grill. -Oh! | 0:22:08 | 0:22:11 | |
George Foreman invented that, Barbara. | 0:22:11 | 0:22:13 | |
There's a clue there in the name. | 0:22:13 | 0:22:15 | |
Why don't you buggers all go on Dragons' Den | 0:22:15 | 0:22:17 | |
and take the wheel with you? | 0:22:17 | 0:22:19 | |
Oh, Jim, no wonder nothing ever gets invented in this house. | 0:22:19 | 0:22:23 | |
I bet Isaac Newtown had the same problem | 0:22:24 | 0:22:26 | |
when he invented that, erm...that gravity thingy. | 0:22:26 | 0:22:29 | |
Keep didn't invent gravity! | 0:22:29 | 0:22:32 | |
-Well, who did? -No-one! It was always there, wasn't it? | 0:22:32 | 0:22:35 | |
He just bloody spotted it when the apple fell from the tree. | 0:22:35 | 0:22:38 | |
Well, how did the apples fall from the tree before gravity, | 0:22:38 | 0:22:42 | |
then, know-all? | 0:22:42 | 0:22:44 | |
-I give up with you buggers. -I give up with you, Jim. -Oh. | 0:22:44 | 0:22:48 | |
Dave's got a great invention, haven't you, Dave? | 0:22:48 | 0:22:51 | |
Oh, have you, Dave? | 0:22:51 | 0:22:53 | |
-Yeah. -What is it? | 0:22:53 | 0:22:55 | |
Unlosable keys. | 0:22:55 | 0:22:57 | |
-'The key's that you can never lose.' -Oh, Dave. I bet that'll take off. | 0:22:57 | 0:23:02 | |
-People are always losing their keys. -How does that work, Dave? | 0:23:02 | 0:23:06 | |
I don't know. That bit's up in the air at the moment. | 0:23:06 | 0:23:09 | |
That's why I have to get the Dragons involved. | 0:23:09 | 0:23:12 | |
Hopefully, they'll come up with that bit. | 0:23:12 | 0:23:14 | |
-He's thought it all through, haven't you, Dave? -Oh, yeah. | 0:23:14 | 0:23:18 | |
And we're looking for £100,000 investment | 0:23:18 | 0:23:22 | |
-for 20% stake in my company. -Oh, yeah. | 0:23:22 | 0:23:26 | |
He can't fail. | 0:23:27 | 0:23:29 | |
I'd be quite happy with 80% share of the unlosable key market. | 0:23:29 | 0:23:33 | |
Then, after a couple of years, we'd be looking to move into other | 0:23:35 | 0:23:39 | |
losable areas, you know, like jewellery, credit cards, odd socks. | 0:23:39 | 0:23:44 | |
The list of things you can lose is endless. | 0:23:44 | 0:23:46 | |
You want to add marbles to that list, | 0:23:46 | 0:23:48 | |
-Dave, because you've definitely lost yours! -Oh, ignore him, Dave. | 0:23:48 | 0:23:52 | |
I think it's a good idea. | 0:23:52 | 0:23:53 | |
I wish you'd set it up before I lost my ring. | 0:23:53 | 0:23:56 | |
Well, I've got no trouble finding my ring. | 0:23:56 | 0:23:59 | |
And for that reason, I'm 'oot.' | 0:24:00 | 0:24:03 | |
I wish you were. | 0:24:03 | 0:24:05 | |
-Are you all right, Mam? -No, I'm not. -What's the matter? | 0:24:12 | 0:24:17 | |
When I went in the newsagents today, he said, | 0:24:17 | 0:24:20 | |
"I bet your having a good Christmas, aren't you? | 0:24:20 | 0:24:22 | |
"What with Jim's winnings." | 0:24:22 | 0:24:24 | |
It only turns out that your dad has won £100 on the scratchcard | 0:24:25 | 0:24:30 | |
-that I found down the back of the sofa! -£100? -Yeah. | 0:24:30 | 0:24:35 | |
Dave, it turns out that me dad's won £100 from the scratchcard me mam | 0:24:35 | 0:24:40 | |
found down the back of the sofa. | 0:24:40 | 0:24:42 | |
£100 from a scratchcard that your mam found down the back of the sofa? | 0:24:42 | 0:24:45 | |
-Yeah. -What did you say to the newsagent? | 0:24:45 | 0:24:49 | |
Well, I cracked on I knew, but deep down I was fuming. | 0:24:49 | 0:24:53 | |
Selfish and mean, your dad, that's what he is. | 0:24:53 | 0:24:56 | |
-Do you know what he did the other day? -No. | 0:24:56 | 0:24:59 | |
Well, he answered the door and it was the paperboy with | 0:24:59 | 0:25:01 | |
the built-up shoe looking for his Christmas tip. | 0:25:01 | 0:25:04 | |
Your dad told him he didn't live here, | 0:25:04 | 0:25:07 | |
he was just visiting, | 0:25:07 | 0:25:08 | |
-and he shut the door in his face. -He didn't, did he? | 0:25:08 | 0:25:12 | |
The lad shouted back through the letterbox, | 0:25:12 | 0:25:14 | |
"Well, you must visit a lot because you said the same thing last year, you'd tightfisted old fart!" | 0:25:14 | 0:25:19 | |
DENISE GASPS | 0:25:19 | 0:25:20 | |
-Well, he's right as well. -Yeah. | 0:25:20 | 0:25:22 | |
All he does is sit moaning all day at the telly | 0:25:22 | 0:25:26 | |
and knocking your nana with his nuts. | 0:25:26 | 0:25:28 | |
Well, haven't you tackled him about this money, Mam? | 0:25:28 | 0:25:31 | |
I'm waiting to see if HE tells ME. | 0:25:31 | 0:25:33 | |
TOILET FLUSHES | 0:25:33 | 0:25:34 | |
Oh, I don't know why I'm so upset about it. | 0:25:34 | 0:25:37 | |
-He's done this sort of thing all his life. -Yeah. | 0:25:37 | 0:25:40 | |
You'll have to open that bathroom window if you go up there, Barb. | 0:25:40 | 0:25:43 | |
Them nuts have gone right bloody through me. | 0:25:43 | 0:25:46 | |
HE SIGHS | 0:25:46 | 0:25:47 | |
-DOORBELL RINGS -Oh. -Oh. -Mm? -Eh? | 0:25:49 | 0:25:52 | |
I wonder who that can be. | 0:25:52 | 0:25:54 | |
DOORBELL RINGS | 0:25:54 | 0:25:56 | |
Woo hoo, it's only me! | 0:25:56 | 0:25:59 | |
Cadging Carol from next door. | 0:25:59 | 0:26:01 | |
Don't let her in, Barb! | 0:26:01 | 0:26:02 | |
DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN | 0:26:02 | 0:26:04 | |
(Sh, sh!) | 0:26:06 | 0:26:07 | |
-Do you think she's gone? -Yeah. -Yeah. | 0:26:12 | 0:26:15 | |
BANGING ON WINDOW | 0:26:16 | 0:26:17 | |
Hiya! You couldn't let us in, could you? | 0:26:17 | 0:26:19 | |
I'm freezing my bollocks off out 'ere! | 0:26:19 | 0:26:21 | |
Hiya, Barbara. | 0:26:27 | 0:26:29 | |
Hi, Carol, I'm sorry we couldn't hear you | 0:26:29 | 0:26:31 | |
-when you kept ringing the bell. -Hiya, Denise. -Hiya, Carol. | 0:26:31 | 0:26:35 | |
- All right, Dave, darling? - Hiya, Carol. | 0:26:35 | 0:26:38 | |
-Hiya, my Jimbo! -Hello there, Carol. | 0:26:38 | 0:26:41 | |
Oh, Dragons' Den. | 0:26:42 | 0:26:44 | |
Where are the kids, Carol? | 0:26:45 | 0:26:47 | |
-Are they not with you? -No, I got shot of the little buggers. | 0:26:47 | 0:26:50 | |
-I packed 'em all off to their dads, whether they wanted them or not. -Aw. | 0:26:50 | 0:26:54 | |
So, are you going to be on your own for Christmas? | 0:26:54 | 0:26:57 | |
Christmas time is ME time in my house. | 0:26:57 | 0:27:00 | |
-What's ME time, Carol? -I'm having a proper night in. | 0:27:00 | 0:27:03 | |
I've got a two litre bottle of cider | 0:27:03 | 0:27:05 | |
AND I've borrowed a giant Toblerone from Cheryl's fridge freezer. | 0:27:05 | 0:27:08 | |
I'm going to take my control pants off and let the good times roll. | 0:27:08 | 0:27:12 | |
-You know how to live it up, don't you, Carol? -I certainly do! | 0:27:12 | 0:27:16 | |
AND I'm going to borrow the Best Of TOWIE DVD | 0:27:16 | 0:27:18 | |
that our Milo borrowed from WH Smiths. | 0:27:18 | 0:27:21 | |
I say borrowed. | 0:27:21 | 0:27:22 | |
He nicked it, really, but that's broken Britain for you, in't it? | 0:27:22 | 0:27:26 | |
-ALL: -Yeah. | 0:27:26 | 0:27:28 | |
-I am on the borrow myself, actually, Barbara. -Oh, go away! | 0:27:28 | 0:27:32 | |
-You couldn't lend us some cranberry sauce for me Christmas dinner, could you? -Oh, yeah. | 0:27:32 | 0:27:36 | |
You've not got a bit of turkey to go with it, have ya? | 0:27:38 | 0:27:40 | |
Can be very moist on its own, cranberry sauce. | 0:27:40 | 0:27:43 | |
I haven't cooked it yet. | 0:27:43 | 0:27:45 | |
Well, just cut us a couple of legs off. That'll do. | 0:27:45 | 0:27:48 | |
You couldn't chuck us in a couple of wings and all, could you, | 0:27:48 | 0:27:51 | |
and a nice bit of breast? | 0:27:51 | 0:27:53 | |
Just save us the bloodied Parson's nose, will you, Barb?! | 0:27:53 | 0:27:56 | |
A bit of veg wouldn't go amiss if you've got any spare, you know. | 0:27:56 | 0:27:59 | |
-Just some spuds and sprouts. And maybe a parsnip or two. -OK. | 0:27:59 | 0:28:04 | |
Don't worry about the gravy, though, Barbara. | 0:28:04 | 0:28:06 | |
-I don't want to put you to any trouble. -Oh, are you sure? | 0:28:06 | 0:28:10 | |
Christmas is a right palaver, in't it? | 0:28:12 | 0:28:14 | |
All this stuff you have to get in for just one day. | 0:28:14 | 0:28:17 | |
I'll need to go to Aldi again. | 0:28:17 | 0:28:19 | |
I'll need to get to get some more food in for us now. | 0:28:19 | 0:28:21 | |
Here, I'll never eat all of this. | 0:28:25 | 0:28:28 | |
I'll tell you what, it makes much more sense if I come round here. | 0:28:29 | 0:28:33 | |
I don't think I've got enough in, Carol. | 0:28:33 | 0:28:36 | |
-Well, do you want to borrow these then, Barbara? -Oh, I don't know... | 0:28:36 | 0:28:41 | |
Are you sure? | 0:28:41 | 0:28:42 | |
If I'm coming for Christmas dinner, it's the least I can do. | 0:28:42 | 0:28:46 | |
I won't have another word said. | 0:28:46 | 0:28:48 | |
Aw, thanks, Carol. | 0:28:50 | 0:28:52 | |
You are welcome, Barbara. | 0:28:52 | 0:28:54 | |
-'Tis Christmas after all, in't it? -Yeah. | 0:28:54 | 0:28:57 | |
-Right, well, I'll see you all on Christmas Day, then. -Tara, love. | 0:28:58 | 0:29:03 | |
What the bloody hell did you invite her for Christmas dinner for?! | 0:29:05 | 0:29:09 | |
-I didn't know I had. -BANGING ON WINDOW | 0:29:10 | 0:29:12 | |
Eh, are these yours? | 0:29:12 | 0:29:14 | |
CAROL LAUGHS | 0:29:14 | 0:29:17 | |
-She is a terrible mother, she is, in't she? -Yeah. -Mm. | 0:29:18 | 0:29:23 | |
Where your kids, Denise? | 0:29:26 | 0:29:28 | |
Oh, Dave. | 0:29:30 | 0:29:32 | |
-We forgot to pick them up from school. -Oh, no. | 0:29:33 | 0:29:36 | |
-They'll be at the headmaster's house again now, won't they? -Yeah. | 0:29:36 | 0:29:40 | |
-We'd better go. See you, Mam. -See you, Denise. -See you, Dad. | 0:29:40 | 0:29:45 | |
-Tara, Denise. -See you, Barbara. -Bye, Dave. -See you, Jim. -Tara, Dave. | 0:29:45 | 0:29:52 | |
I've lost me keys. | 0:30:02 | 0:30:04 | |
MUSIC: "It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas" by Perry Como | 0:30:12 | 0:30:16 | |
# It's beginning to look A lot like Christmas | 0:30:24 | 0:30:28 | |
# Everywhere you go | 0:30:29 | 0:30:33 | |
# Take a look in the five-and-ten. # | 0:30:33 | 0:30:35 | |
Is that you, Barbara? | 0:30:35 | 0:30:36 | |
Oh! | 0:30:36 | 0:30:38 | |
Hello, is that you, Joe? | 0:30:38 | 0:30:40 | |
What are you doing down there? | 0:30:40 | 0:30:42 | |
I thought my ring might be stuck in the U bend, so... | 0:30:43 | 0:30:47 | |
Just checking it. | 0:30:50 | 0:30:51 | |
Oh, no, it's not there. | 0:30:56 | 0:30:57 | |
Oh! | 0:30:58 | 0:30:59 | |
Oh, look what I've found. | 0:31:00 | 0:31:02 | |
A cotton bud with nana's earwax on it. | 0:31:03 | 0:31:06 | |
Oh. | 0:31:07 | 0:31:09 | |
I wonder which ear it was? | 0:31:09 | 0:31:11 | |
Sadly, we'll never know. | 0:31:11 | 0:31:13 | |
Oh, Joe, how are you going on about your vacant ladies? | 0:31:16 | 0:31:20 | |
Have you had any replies yet? | 0:31:20 | 0:31:22 | |
Oh, aye, I've had a few. | 0:31:22 | 0:31:24 | |
Oh, that's good. | 0:31:24 | 0:31:25 | |
Aye, except I got one from a bloke called Brian. | 0:31:25 | 0:31:28 | |
Oh! Was he a gay? | 0:31:28 | 0:31:30 | |
No, no, he just wanted to mend the crack in my wing mirror. | 0:31:30 | 0:31:33 | |
Oh, Joe! | 0:31:33 | 0:31:34 | |
Anyway, look, I saw Jim leave, and I thought I'd take | 0:31:38 | 0:31:41 | |
the opportunity to have a private word with you. | 0:31:41 | 0:31:44 | |
Oh? | 0:31:44 | 0:31:45 | |
Yeah. I need a bit of advice. | 0:31:45 | 0:31:48 | |
It's a long time since I dated a vacant lady, | 0:31:48 | 0:31:51 | |
and I'm a bit rusty. | 0:31:51 | 0:31:53 | |
Oh, right, well. | 0:31:53 | 0:31:55 | |
Ask away, Joe. | 0:31:55 | 0:31:57 | |
Well, I made a checklist. Would you go through it with me? | 0:31:57 | 0:32:01 | |
A checklist? That's good planning, Joe. Go on. | 0:32:01 | 0:32:04 | |
Outfits. | 0:32:04 | 0:32:06 | |
OK, number one. | 0:32:06 | 0:32:07 | |
Should I wear a cardigan, a casual shirt and tie, | 0:32:08 | 0:32:12 | |
or a cardigan, formal shirt and tie, | 0:32:12 | 0:32:15 | |
or a cardigan, casual shirt and no tie, | 0:32:15 | 0:32:18 | |
or a cardigan, formal shirt and no tie? | 0:32:18 | 0:32:21 | |
Does the cardigan have to feature in every outfit, Joe? | 0:32:23 | 0:32:26 | |
Oh, hang on a minute. Let me have a look. | 0:32:26 | 0:32:29 | |
Yes. | 0:32:32 | 0:32:33 | |
Oh, right. | 0:32:33 | 0:32:35 | |
Er, well, I'd go for cardigan, formal shirt and tie. | 0:32:35 | 0:32:41 | |
Oh, right, OK. | 0:32:41 | 0:32:43 | |
Like I've got on now? | 0:32:43 | 0:32:44 | |
Yeah. | 0:32:44 | 0:32:45 | |
Right. I'll just cross the others off, then. | 0:32:45 | 0:32:48 | |
Number two. | 0:32:52 | 0:32:54 | |
Aftershave. | 0:32:54 | 0:32:55 | |
Oh! | 0:32:55 | 0:32:56 | |
Old Spice, Brut, or Hai Karate? | 0:32:56 | 0:33:00 | |
Why don't you put a bit of all three on, Joe? | 0:33:00 | 0:33:03 | |
I'm not sure about that, Barbara. | 0:33:05 | 0:33:06 | |
I don't want them to think a bit of a player. | 0:33:06 | 0:33:08 | |
I don't think they'll think that, Joe. | 0:33:08 | 0:33:11 | |
Do you not? | 0:33:11 | 0:33:12 | |
Right, then. All three it is, then! | 0:33:13 | 0:33:15 | |
Nothing wrong with a bit of pizzazz, I suppose! | 0:33:16 | 0:33:19 | |
Okey-dokey, number three. | 0:33:22 | 0:33:24 | |
Small present on first greeting. | 0:33:24 | 0:33:27 | |
Oh. | 0:33:27 | 0:33:28 | |
Chocolates, flowers, or a gift token? | 0:33:28 | 0:33:30 | |
Oh, I don't think a gift token, Joe. | 0:33:30 | 0:33:32 | |
Oh, that's a shame, because I got one from B&Q for my birthday, | 0:33:32 | 0:33:37 | |
and it runs out of the end of this month. | 0:33:37 | 0:33:39 | |
I think a vacant lady would probably prefer flowers | 0:33:39 | 0:33:43 | |
to a voucher from B&Q, Joe. | 0:33:43 | 0:33:45 | |
Right. | 0:33:45 | 0:33:47 | |
Flowers it is, then! | 0:33:47 | 0:33:48 | |
That's it, that's the checklist over. | 0:33:50 | 0:33:53 | |
Oh, so, Joe, what are you going to do on your first date? | 0:33:53 | 0:33:57 | |
Well, I've had a great idea. | 0:33:57 | 0:33:59 | |
And I was hoping you could help me. | 0:34:01 | 0:34:03 | |
Of course I will. What is it? | 0:34:03 | 0:34:05 | |
Well, I was thinking... | 0:34:06 | 0:34:09 | |
MUSIC: "I'm Just A Gigolo" by Louis Prima | 0:34:09 | 0:34:12 | |
# I'm just a gigolo | 0:34:12 | 0:34:14 | |
# And everywhere I go | 0:34:14 | 0:34:16 | |
# People know the part I'm playin'. # | 0:34:16 | 0:34:18 | |
Food's lovely here, isn't it, Doreen? | 0:34:18 | 0:34:20 | |
I come here often! | 0:34:22 | 0:34:24 | |
Would you like some more bread? | 0:34:28 | 0:34:30 | |
No, thank you, Barbara. | 0:34:30 | 0:34:32 | |
Oh. Well, I'll leave it there, just in case you change your mind. | 0:34:33 | 0:34:37 | |
Oh, serviettes! | 0:34:37 | 0:34:39 | |
Oh, Jim's undies! | 0:34:49 | 0:34:51 | |
Doreen, I'm so sorry! | 0:34:51 | 0:34:53 | |
At least they're clean. Should have seen them before I washed them. | 0:34:53 | 0:34:57 | |
Skid city! | 0:34:57 | 0:34:58 | |
Doreen. | 0:35:01 | 0:35:03 | |
Doreen! | 0:35:03 | 0:35:04 | |
Bradley Wiggins! | 0:35:06 | 0:35:07 | |
I've recently invested in some stool softener, Sharon. | 0:35:21 | 0:35:25 | |
Two for one from Boots, if you're interested. | 0:35:25 | 0:35:28 | |
No, I'm not. | 0:35:28 | 0:35:30 | |
Do you know Bradley Wiggins? | 0:35:33 | 0:35:35 | |
Bradley Wiggins! | 0:35:48 | 0:35:49 | |
That's the MOT certificate. | 0:36:15 | 0:36:16 | |
That's the insurance documents. | 0:36:18 | 0:36:19 | |
And I'm taxed up to and including September. | 0:36:21 | 0:36:24 | |
Do you know Bradley Wiggins? | 0:36:31 | 0:36:33 | |
No, no. | 0:36:35 | 0:36:36 | |
Mmm! | 0:36:49 | 0:36:51 | |
Well, it's not as flaky in the summer, | 0:37:16 | 0:37:18 | |
but it itches all year round. | 0:37:18 | 0:37:20 | |
Barbara's mother had psoriasis before she expired. | 0:37:22 | 0:37:25 | |
She spent her last days bedridden, right where we are now. | 0:37:27 | 0:37:31 | |
In fact, where you're sat, | 0:37:31 | 0:37:33 | |
that's where her waste baggage was for her urine. | 0:37:33 | 0:37:36 | |
Another glass of wine, Brenda? | 0:37:38 | 0:37:40 | |
I don't need a glass of wine. I need a barrelful to stay here! | 0:37:40 | 0:37:44 | |
You're a bloody headcase! I'm off! | 0:37:44 | 0:37:46 | |
Is everything all right? | 0:37:48 | 0:37:50 | |
No! He's a bloody nutter! | 0:37:50 | 0:37:51 | |
A first date at a neighbour's house? He's got chops stuck on his face! | 0:37:53 | 0:37:57 | |
He is showing me photos of his dead wife, his MOT certificate | 0:37:57 | 0:38:01 | |
and his bloody psoriasis! | 0:38:01 | 0:38:03 | |
Well, go on! Bugger off, then! | 0:38:03 | 0:38:05 | |
Don't worry, I'm going! | 0:38:05 | 0:38:07 | |
Sod off, you desperate old cow! | 0:38:07 | 0:38:09 | |
The whole lot of you, if I'm lucky enough! | 0:38:09 | 0:38:11 | |
DOOR SLAMS | 0:38:12 | 0:38:14 | |
I'll put her on the maybe list, shall I? | 0:38:18 | 0:38:20 | |
Have you got a not-a-cat-in-hell's-chance list? | 0:38:20 | 0:38:23 | |
At least the ads are working! | 0:38:23 | 0:38:24 | |
Working? One of them looked as though she'd ate her last date, | 0:38:24 | 0:38:27 | |
one of them had bigger balls than me, and the other one had no teeth! | 0:38:27 | 0:38:30 | |
She was half an hour sucking on the bread roll! | 0:38:30 | 0:38:32 | |
First time I've seen Barbara liquidise a bloody chop! | 0:38:32 | 0:38:35 | |
I'm not doing too well, am I? | 0:38:37 | 0:38:39 | |
Oh, let's not give up, Joe. | 0:38:39 | 0:38:40 | |
If anyone deserves a vacant lady, it's you. | 0:38:41 | 0:38:45 | |
Maybe it's just not meant to be. | 0:38:45 | 0:38:47 | |
Oh, come on, Joe, lad. Don't be like that. | 0:38:47 | 0:38:50 | |
Where's the old Dunkirk spirit? | 0:38:50 | 0:38:52 | |
I know! | 0:38:53 | 0:38:54 | |
We need to raise our game. We need to change our tactics. | 0:38:54 | 0:38:58 | |
This calls for military precision! | 0:38:58 | 0:39:00 | |
We need to bring out the big guns! | 0:39:00 | 0:39:03 | |
So, gather round, comrades... | 0:39:03 | 0:39:06 | |
MUSIC: Theme from "The Great Escape" by Elmer Bernstein | 0:39:07 | 0:39:10 | |
How do you pronounce your name? | 0:40:50 | 0:40:51 | |
Philomena. | 0:40:51 | 0:40:53 | |
How do you pronounce yours? | 0:40:53 | 0:40:55 | |
Joe. | 0:40:55 | 0:40:56 | |
Joe. Oh, it rolls off the tongue! | 0:40:56 | 0:40:58 | |
Mmm! | 0:41:03 | 0:41:04 | |
Your teeth look very realistic, Philomeno. | 0:41:08 | 0:41:11 | |
Thank you, Joe. | 0:41:11 | 0:41:13 | |
Top and bottom pallet, is it? | 0:41:13 | 0:41:14 | |
Yes. | 0:41:14 | 0:41:15 | |
Yeah. | 0:41:15 | 0:41:17 | |
Very realistic. | 0:41:17 | 0:41:18 | |
Hello, Philomena. | 0:41:27 | 0:41:29 | |
Would you like a triangle of bread? | 0:41:29 | 0:41:31 | |
Oh, how lovely! I love triangles! | 0:41:32 | 0:41:36 | |
I love anything triangular! | 0:41:36 | 0:41:39 | |
Aren't Philomena's teeth realistic, Jim? | 0:41:39 | 0:41:42 | |
Why don't you pass them around, Joe? We can all have a look! | 0:41:42 | 0:41:45 | |
Help yourself to the Reggie Reggie source, Philomena. | 0:41:48 | 0:41:52 | |
Enjoy. | 0:41:52 | 0:41:53 | |
(CLEARS THROAT) | 0:42:03 | 0:42:05 | |
Have you any hobbits, Philomeno? | 0:42:09 | 0:42:11 | |
Hobbits? | 0:42:13 | 0:42:14 | |
Oh, no, no. Have you any hobbies, Philomena? | 0:42:14 | 0:42:17 | |
Let me have a little think about that. Hold on. | 0:42:19 | 0:42:22 | |
Hobbies. | 0:42:22 | 0:42:23 | |
No. | 0:42:27 | 0:42:28 | |
What about you, Joe? | 0:42:28 | 0:42:30 | |
No. | 0:42:30 | 0:42:31 | |
Oh, we've got so much in common! | 0:42:31 | 0:42:34 | |
Yes. | 0:42:34 | 0:42:35 | |
Oh, have you any general chit chat, Philopastry? | 0:42:38 | 0:42:41 | |
Well, yes, I did have a little general chit chat, | 0:42:41 | 0:42:44 | |
but I used it up on the bus on the way here. | 0:42:44 | 0:42:46 | |
Oh, that's a shame. I could have joined in. | 0:42:46 | 0:42:48 | |
Oh, what star sign you, Filet-o-fish? | 0:42:53 | 0:42:56 | |
I'm a Libra. | 0:42:56 | 0:42:58 | |
A Libra? | 0:42:58 | 0:42:59 | |
Well, what a coincidence. | 0:42:59 | 0:43:01 | |
My wife, Mary - she's dead at the moment - she was a Libra. | 0:43:02 | 0:43:07 | |
My late husband was a leprechaun. | 0:43:07 | 0:43:08 | |
A leprechaun? | 0:43:08 | 0:43:10 | |
A little fellow with ginger hair? | 0:43:10 | 0:43:12 | |
No, sorry. I meant Capricorn. | 0:43:12 | 0:43:15 | |
He's dead at the moment, too. | 0:43:15 | 0:43:17 | |
He expired very suddenly. | 0:43:17 | 0:43:18 | |
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Philadelphia. | 0:43:18 | 0:43:21 | |
And how did he die? | 0:43:22 | 0:43:23 | |
He was a scaffolder. He fell off a roof. | 0:43:23 | 0:43:27 | |
Four storeys up, he was. | 0:43:27 | 0:43:28 | |
Oh, dear me! | 0:43:28 | 0:43:30 | |
He was a big fan of... | 0:43:30 | 0:43:32 | |
..alcohol. | 0:43:33 | 0:43:34 | |
So he didn't feel a thing. He was drunk, thank God. | 0:43:35 | 0:43:38 | |
He was afraid of heights, you see, so he needed a skinful to get up there. | 0:43:38 | 0:43:43 | |
Vernon was his name. | 0:43:43 | 0:43:45 | |
Not Vertigo Vernon, the scaffolder? | 0:43:45 | 0:43:47 | |
Yes, that's him! Did you know him? | 0:43:47 | 0:43:50 | |
Well, he used to go into the Feathers, didn't he? | 0:43:50 | 0:43:53 | |
Only when he was alive. | 0:43:53 | 0:43:54 | |
Would you like something from the cheeseboard, Philomena? | 0:44:02 | 0:44:06 | |
We've got Dairylea, Cheestrings, squeezy Primula | 0:44:06 | 0:44:10 | |
and a few Kraft cheese slices. | 0:44:10 | 0:44:12 | |
Oh. | 0:44:12 | 0:44:14 | |
Someone's had a nibble of that one, but it'll only be one of us. | 0:44:14 | 0:44:18 | |
Have you got any stilton, Barbara? | 0:44:18 | 0:44:21 | |
Oh, no, I'm sorry. | 0:44:21 | 0:44:23 | |
Would you like a bite of Dairylea and a smell of Jim's socks? | 0:44:25 | 0:44:28 | |
Pop a little Dairylea there. | 0:44:37 | 0:44:39 | |
Thank you very much. | 0:44:39 | 0:44:40 | |
Would you like another glass of Lambrusco to go | 0:44:42 | 0:44:44 | |
with your Dairylea, Philomena? | 0:44:44 | 0:44:46 | |
Yes, please, Joe. | 0:44:46 | 0:44:47 | |
Well... | 0:44:53 | 0:44:55 | |
here's to a lovely first date. | 0:44:55 | 0:44:57 | |
The first of many, I hope. | 0:44:57 | 0:44:59 | |
The first of many, I'm sure. | 0:44:59 | 0:45:00 | |
To you. | 0:45:02 | 0:45:03 | |
No. | 0:45:03 | 0:45:04 | |
To you. | 0:45:04 | 0:45:06 | |
Here's to both of us. | 0:45:06 | 0:45:07 | |
They're getting on like a house on fire! | 0:45:12 | 0:45:14 | |
Hope it works. | 0:45:15 | 0:45:17 | |
So do I. It's cost me two dozen bloody chops up to now! | 0:45:17 | 0:45:20 | |
Hey, dad, your plan's worked! | 0:45:22 | 0:45:25 | |
I love it when a plan comes together! | 0:45:25 | 0:45:27 | |
Well done, team! | 0:45:27 | 0:45:29 | |
All for one... | 0:45:29 | 0:45:31 | |
ALL: ..and one for all! | 0:45:31 | 0:45:33 | |
Listen, he's singing to her! | 0:45:38 | 0:45:40 | |
# Save your love, my darling Save your love | 0:45:41 | 0:45:47 | |
# For summer nights With moon and stars above | 0:45:47 | 0:45:51 | |
# A serenade I long to sing you | 0:45:53 | 0:45:56 | |
# The reddest rose I always bring you | 0:45:56 | 0:45:59 | |
# Save your love for Roma And for me | 0:46:00 | 0:46:04 | |
# Darling, I will love you endlessly | 0:46:05 | 0:46:09 | |
# Even though you're far away From me | 0:46:11 | 0:46:15 | |
# I can't forget the words I told you | 0:46:17 | 0:46:20 | |
# How it felt to love and hold you | 0:46:20 | 0:46:23 | |
# Love like ours will last eternally | 0:46:23 | 0:46:28 | |
# Save your love, my darling, save your love | 0:46:29 | 0:46:34 | |
# For summer nights With moon and stars above | 0:46:35 | 0:46:39 | |
# A serenade I long to sing you | 0:46:40 | 0:46:44 | |
# The reddest rose I'll always bring you | 0:46:44 | 0:46:47 | |
# Save your love for Roma and for me | 0:46:47 | 0:46:53 | |
# Save your love, my darling save your love | 0:46:53 | 0:46:57 | |
# For summer nights With moon and stars above | 0:46:59 | 0:47:03 | |
# A serenade I long to sing you | 0:47:05 | 0:47:08 | |
# The reddest rose I'll always bring you | 0:47:08 | 0:47:11 | |
# Save your love for Roma And for me | 0:47:12 | 0:47:16 | |
Hey! | 0:47:18 | 0:47:19 | |
Hey! Where are you going? This is not your bloody house! | 0:47:19 | 0:47:22 | |
You dirty old sod! | 0:47:22 | 0:47:24 | |
MUSIC: "Hark The Herald Angels" | 0:47:33 | 0:47:35 | |
# Hark the herald angels sing | 0:47:35 | 0:47:38 | |
# Glory to the newborn King! | 0:47:38 | 0:47:41 | |
# Peace on earth and mercy mild | 0:47:43 | 0:47:47 | |
# God and sinners reconciled | 0:47:47 | 0:47:52 | |
# Joyful, all ye nations rise | 0:47:52 | 0:47:55 | |
Oh, sorry, mate. | 0:47:56 | 0:47:58 | |
# Join the triumph of the skies. # | 0:47:58 | 0:48:01 | |
There she is! | 0:48:01 | 0:48:04 | |
My little Christmas cracker, that I haven't pulled for a while! | 0:48:04 | 0:48:08 | |
Jim! | 0:48:14 | 0:48:16 | |
Got a nice little bit of batter for you off my fish. | 0:48:19 | 0:48:22 | |
I'll batter you in a minute! | 0:48:22 | 0:48:24 | |
Oh, don't you want it? | 0:48:24 | 0:48:26 | |
I've had my tea! | 0:48:26 | 0:48:28 | |
And peeled the sprouts and the potatoes for tomorrow, | 0:48:28 | 0:48:31 | |
and stuffed the turkey, while you've been out getting drunk! | 0:48:31 | 0:48:36 | |
It's the same every Christmas Eve. You leave me to do everything! | 0:48:36 | 0:48:41 | |
Not this year, though, Barbara. | 0:48:41 | 0:48:44 | |
# Deedle-ee, deedle-ee. # | 0:48:44 | 0:48:47 | |
I've got two lovely Christmas puddings. | 0:48:47 | 0:48:52 | |
And when I told the lads what I was going to do, | 0:48:53 | 0:48:55 | |
they all started taking the Mickey out of me. | 0:48:55 | 0:48:58 | |
They said, "Oh, come on, Jimbo lad, you're far too generous," | 0:48:58 | 0:49:02 | |
but I said, "Oh, no." | 0:49:02 | 0:49:04 | |
"Every Christmas my Barbara sorts everything out. | 0:49:04 | 0:49:07 | |
She does everything for everybody. | 0:49:07 | 0:49:10 | |
But this year, I want to make a contribution. | 0:49:10 | 0:49:15 | |
Oh. | 0:49:15 | 0:49:16 | |
So I said, "I will." | 0:49:16 | 0:49:18 | |
"I will buy a raffle ticket." | 0:49:19 | 0:49:21 | |
So you won them, then, did you? | 0:49:22 | 0:49:24 | |
Yeah, but I won them for you, Barb, didn't I? | 0:49:25 | 0:49:28 | |
I thought you were only nipping into the precinct. | 0:49:28 | 0:49:31 | |
Well, I went to the precinct, | 0:49:31 | 0:49:33 | |
and I just called in for a quick one on the way home. | 0:49:33 | 0:49:36 | |
A quick one? And you've got this bladdered? | 0:49:36 | 0:49:39 | |
I'm not bladdered, Barb. I'm just a tad bipsy. | 0:49:39 | 0:49:41 | |
Get to bed, Jim. | 0:49:41 | 0:49:43 | |
Ha-ha-ha! | 0:49:43 | 0:49:45 | |
I might hold a promise, Barb. | 0:49:45 | 0:49:46 | |
Is little Jim getting his Christmas present early this year, eh? | 0:49:46 | 0:49:50 | |
Come on, Barb, | 0:49:52 | 0:49:53 | |
you know I've got no problems in the downstairs department! | 0:49:53 | 0:49:57 | |
Or, as they call it in the Feathers now, Dave's Droopsies! | 0:49:57 | 0:50:01 | |
Hey, Jim. | 0:50:09 | 0:50:10 | |
You know that scratchcard I found down the back of the sofa? | 0:50:12 | 0:50:16 | |
You didn't win anything on it, did you? | 0:50:17 | 0:50:20 | |
No, not a bloody sausage. Scratchcard? | 0:50:20 | 0:50:23 | |
Be better off scratching my arse! | 0:50:23 | 0:50:25 | |
To absent friends! | 0:50:37 | 0:50:39 | |
ALL: Absent friends! | 0:50:39 | 0:50:41 | |
Oh, before I forget, thank you for my Christmas present, Barbara. | 0:50:43 | 0:50:47 | |
Oh, you're welcome, Joe. | 0:50:47 | 0:50:48 | |
That's just what I wanted, a drill. Very thoughtful. | 0:50:48 | 0:50:51 | |
It's just like my old one. You've even put my initials on it. | 0:50:52 | 0:50:55 | |
Yeah. | 0:50:55 | 0:50:56 | |
You couldn't lend it me, could you? | 0:50:56 | 0:50:59 | |
I don't know about that, Carol. | 0:50:59 | 0:51:01 | |
The last time I led by drill out to someone, I never got it back. | 0:51:01 | 0:51:03 | |
Well said, Joe. | 0:51:03 | 0:51:05 | |
Oh, thank you for my present, too, Barbara. | 0:51:05 | 0:51:07 | |
A four pack of Polos. It's just what I wanted. | 0:51:08 | 0:51:11 | |
You couldn't lend us a pack, could you? | 0:51:11 | 0:51:13 | |
Bloody hell, Carol! | 0:51:13 | 0:51:14 | |
And anyway, Bab, what were you buying Polo mints for? | 0:51:14 | 0:51:16 | |
They're the same price as other bloody mints, aren't they? | 0:51:16 | 0:51:18 | |
Only you're getting less mint for your bloody money! | 0:51:18 | 0:51:21 | |
I know. You're paying for the hole, aren't you? | 0:51:21 | 0:51:23 | |
Yeah. | 0:51:23 | 0:51:24 | |
That's daft. Where else would you pay for the hole? | 0:51:24 | 0:51:27 | |
I know, Dave! | 0:51:27 | 0:51:29 | |
Jim! | 0:51:29 | 0:51:31 | |
I like the hole. It makes a nice little break from a full mint. | 0:51:31 | 0:51:36 | |
I'd buy a full packet of holes, if I could. | 0:51:36 | 0:51:38 | |
Oh, Philomena, have you met Joe's daughter Cheryl, yet? | 0:51:40 | 0:51:44 | |
No, not yet. | 0:51:44 | 0:51:45 | |
I've met her fridge-freezer, though! | 0:51:46 | 0:51:49 | |
It's beautiful. | 0:51:49 | 0:51:50 | |
Yeah. | 0:51:50 | 0:51:51 | |
It is, yeah. | 0:51:51 | 0:51:52 | |
- She got a boyfriend yet, your Cheryl? | 0:51:52 | 0:51:55 | |
No, she's in the process of becoming a lesbian. | 0:51:55 | 0:51:58 | |
Ha-ha-ha! Oh, come on, Joe! A lesbian? | 0:51:58 | 0:52:03 | |
Jim! | 0:52:03 | 0:52:04 | |
I think she'll make a great lesbian, Cheryl. | 0:52:04 | 0:52:08 | |
Yeah, so do I. | 0:52:08 | 0:52:09 | |
Well, she's taken down all her posters of Philip Schofield | 0:52:09 | 0:52:12 | |
and replaced them with Claire Balding. | 0:52:12 | 0:52:14 | |
We haven't got a lesbian on this street. | 0:52:16 | 0:52:18 | |
No. | 0:52:18 | 0:52:20 | |
Oh, we're starting to get a few now in Ireland. | 0:52:20 | 0:52:22 | |
They go on buses, they go to restaurants. | 0:52:22 | 0:52:25 | |
My friend Finola, she saw one lending a book. | 0:52:25 | 0:52:28 | |
Out of the library! | 0:52:29 | 0:52:32 | |
We're very forward-thinking in Ireland. | 0:52:32 | 0:52:34 | |
Yeah. | 0:52:34 | 0:52:36 | |
Anyway, now for the main event. Jim's Christmas puddings! | 0:52:36 | 0:52:40 | |
You are in safe hands, folks, because Captain Jim is at the helm! | 0:52:43 | 0:52:47 | |
Good old Jimbo! | 0:52:51 | 0:52:53 | |
-Oh, isn't he marvellous? -That's not the word I'd use. | 0:52:53 | 0:52:57 | |
He's acting as if he made those puddings. | 0:52:57 | 0:53:00 | |
He won them in a bloody raffle! | 0:53:00 | 0:53:02 | |
Here we go, then. | 0:53:02 | 0:53:04 | |
Cop a load of them little beauties! | 0:53:04 | 0:53:06 | |
Does that bring back the old mammaries? | 0:53:08 | 0:53:12 | |
# Mammary! # | 0:53:12 | 0:53:13 | |
How old are you, Jim? | 0:53:14 | 0:53:17 | |
You're never too old, Bab! | 0:53:17 | 0:53:19 | |
I've always been a sucker for mammaries! | 0:53:19 | 0:53:22 | |
Hey, you should've seen Beverley Macca in the Feathers last night. | 0:53:24 | 0:53:28 | |
She had her top up, but her boobs were more out than they were in! | 0:53:28 | 0:53:32 | |
When she went out for the crisps, you could see the lot! | 0:53:32 | 0:53:36 | |
Well, of course, the stampede at the bar. | 0:53:36 | 0:53:38 | |
They ran out of Cheese & Onion, Salt & Vinegar and Smoky Bacon! | 0:53:38 | 0:53:42 | |
That Beverley Macca, she's got the best knockers in Manchester, | 0:53:46 | 0:53:50 | |
bar none! | 0:53:50 | 0:53:51 | |
They've got a wobble all of their own! | 0:53:51 | 0:53:55 | |
You know the day that she won that Miss Wet T-shirt contest? | 0:53:55 | 0:53:59 | |
That was the best day of my life! | 0:53:59 | 0:54:02 | |
Our Beverley Macca has the best knockers in Manchester, Dave. | 0:54:02 | 0:54:05 | |
Dave? | 0:54:05 | 0:54:07 | |
Dave? | 0:54:07 | 0:54:08 | |
Dave! | 0:54:08 | 0:54:09 | |
Denise, Denise. | 0:54:10 | 0:54:13 | |
It's happening! | 0:54:13 | 0:54:15 | |
Oh, excuse me, everybody. Me and Dave have got to go. | 0:54:15 | 0:54:18 | |
- I knew you were all there! | 0:54:24 | 0:54:27 | |
Congratulations, Dave! | 0:54:27 | 0:54:29 | |
Did you all know? | 0:54:29 | 0:54:31 | |
Of course we did! | 0:54:31 | 0:54:34 | |
Away up! | 0:54:34 | 0:54:36 | |
# You raise me up | 0:54:36 | 0:54:38 | |
# So I can stand on mountains | 0:54:38 | 0:54:41 | |
# You raise me up | 0:54:41 | 0:54:44 | |
# To walk on stormy seas | 0:54:44 | 0:54:48 | |
I knew it would happen. | 0:54:50 | 0:54:52 | |
I lit a candle for it on Thursday. | 0:54:52 | 0:54:54 | |
Ah! | 0:54:54 | 0:54:56 | |
Something good always comes up at Christmas, doesn't it? | 0:54:56 | 0:54:58 | |
Yeah. | 0:54:58 | 0:55:00 | |
Ey up. | 0:55:00 | 0:55:02 | |
It's gone, again. | 0:55:02 | 0:55:04 | |
Oh, Dave, no! | 0:55:04 | 0:55:06 | |
- It wasn't that big, anyway. | 0:55:06 | 0:55:08 | |
Sorry, everyone. Sorry. | 0:55:08 | 0:55:11 | |
Oh, never mind, Dave. | 0:55:11 | 0:55:13 | |
It might pop up for New Year. | 0:55:13 | 0:55:15 | |
Yeah. | 0:55:17 | 0:55:18 | |
Bloody hell, Dave, what a bloody let down! | 0:55:18 | 0:55:20 | |
If anyone is a let down, it's you! | 0:55:20 | 0:55:22 | |
I'll tell you who'd sort that out for you, no problem. | 0:55:22 | 0:55:25 | |
Beverley Macca! | 0:55:25 | 0:55:26 | |
Dad! | 0:55:26 | 0:55:27 | |
She could get a rise off a bloody corpse, that girl! | 0:55:27 | 0:55:29 | |
Jim, will you stop going on about Beverley Macca's boobs | 0:55:29 | 0:55:33 | |
in front of Denise? It's very rude! | 0:55:33 | 0:55:35 | |
Thank you, mam! | 0:55:35 | 0:55:37 | |
They are nice, though, Barbara. | 0:55:37 | 0:55:39 | |
Thank you, Joe. | 0:55:39 | 0:55:41 | |
And now, the moment we've all been waiting for, | 0:55:41 | 0:55:45 | |
the carving of Jim's Christmas puddings! | 0:55:45 | 0:55:48 | |
And the first piece goes to my lovely, lovely wife, Barbara. | 0:55:54 | 0:55:59 | |
Pass that over, Dave. | 0:55:59 | 0:56:00 | |
Tuck in, everyone. Come on. | 0:56:01 | 0:56:03 | |
Let's all enjoy the highlight of the day. | 0:56:03 | 0:56:06 | |
Oh, the highlight of the day! | 0:56:06 | 0:56:08 | |
I've been up this morning since seven o'clock. | 0:56:08 | 0:56:11 | |
I've cleaned the house, I've set the table, I've cooked the dinner, | 0:56:11 | 0:56:15 | |
while you have been in bed nursing a bloody hangover! | 0:56:15 | 0:56:20 | |
I only had a few drinks, Barb! | 0:56:20 | 0:56:22 | |
And where did you get the money from for those few drinks, Jim? | 0:56:24 | 0:56:27 | |
I told you, the lads paid for them. | 0:56:28 | 0:56:32 | |
You're a liar, Jim. | 0:56:32 | 0:56:33 | |
I know where you got that money from. | 0:56:35 | 0:56:37 | |
You have had £100 in your back pocket, | 0:56:38 | 0:56:44 | |
which you won on a scratchcard and you kept hidden from your own wife! | 0:56:44 | 0:56:50 | |
What is it, mam? | 0:57:19 | 0:57:20 | |
Is it your ring? | 0:57:22 | 0:57:24 | |
No, it's a new one. | 0:57:32 | 0:57:33 | |
Do you like it, Barb? | 0:57:35 | 0:57:37 | |
It's beautiful, Jim. | 0:57:37 | 0:57:39 | |
Allow me. | 0:57:47 | 0:57:49 | |
Oh! | 0:57:51 | 0:57:53 | |
Ah! | 0:57:54 | 0:57:55 | |
Thanks, Jim! | 0:57:57 | 0:57:58 | |
Happy Christmas, Barbara. | 0:57:58 | 0:57:59 | |
Happy Christmas, Jim! | 0:58:00 | 0:58:02 | |
Happy Christmas, everybody! | 0:58:04 | 0:58:07 | |
ALL: Happy Christmas! | 0:58:07 | 0:58:10 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media | 0:58:39 | 0:58:42 |