Joe's Crackers The Royle Family

# I would like to leave this city

# This old town don't smell too pretty and

# I can feel the warning signs running around my mind

# So what do you say?

# You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway

# Half the world away

# Half the world away

# Half the world away

# I've been lost, I've been found but I don't feel down... #

This bauble won't stay on.

Oh, bauble, my arse!

-I'm not sure this tree's right for this room.

-Of course it is!

-Twiggy got it especially for us!

-Yeah.

Ah...

When are you going to kiss my baubles, Barb?

Oh, Jim! And these lights aren't working again.

Are you sure you've got them plugged in right?

Stick your tongue in the socket and find out.

Every year we have the same palaver with these lights.

It's time we got some new ones.

What? New ones? With this coa-bloody-lition going on? You want to have a word with yourself, Barb.

They've cocked the country up and now they expect us to pay for it.

-Jim!

-I mean, people have started looking down on you if you claim benefit now.

There's no pride in signing on any more.

The way they're going on, they'll be no bugger signing on.

DOORBELL RINGS

Get that will you, Barbara? That'll be Cameron and Clegg now.

HE MUMBLES ANGRILY

-Hiya, Denise.

-Hiya, Mam.

HE MUMBLES ANGRILY

-Hiya, Barbara.

-Hiya, Dave.

Ooh! I like that tree.

-Is that off Twiggy?

-Yeah.

-Hiya, Dad.

-Hiya, Jim.

-SARCASTICALLY:

-"Hiya, Dave. Hiya, Denise. Sit down.

"Have you had your tea?" "Yeah." "What did you have?"

Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak.

-Is Jim annoyed, Barbara?

-Yeah, Jim is annoyed.

Congratulations, Sherlock.

Have you done something to your toe, Dad?

No, I haven't. Your mother has.

She dropped a frozen turkey on it, didn't she? In the supermarket.

-I told you we should have double-bagged it.

-Are you joking?

At 5p a carrier bag! I'm not Lord Sugar, you know!

Anyway, it's not that.

-What's wrong with him, Mam?

-You can ask me, I am in the room.

You haven't got to talk to me through your mother.

-Well, what's wrong, Dad?

-Don't tell them, Barbara.

Oh!

The "sold" sign went up this morning, next door.

-Aw, it's not, has it?

-Mmm.

That means it's sold.

Oh, you are right on the ball, aren't you, today, Dave?

I never thought they'd actually go through with it.

This is going to hit me really hard.

-Yeah.

-He's going to want his lawn mower back, his drill back, his electric screwdriver back.

How's Barbara going to mow the lawn or put any shelves up?

-I'm really upset.

-So am I.

-So am I.

-So am I.

I hope they don't move too far away.

-Ooh, so do I.

-So do I.

-So do I.

Who's going to look after the kids at weekends when Cheryl goes?

I don't want to leave them with strangers.

No.

Where are the kids, Denise?

Erm...

Where are they, Dave?

Oh, they're with that old woman four doors down.

Oh, yeah.

What is her name?

Don't know. She's nice, though, once you get over the smell.

Oh, it's really funny, Mam.

The kids put tissues up their nose before they go in.

It's dead sweet, in't it, Dave?

-Yeah.

-Well, what does she smell of?

Well, you know when you've just opened a tin of salmon?

-Yeah.

-Well, that.

-Ooh.

I think it's a bit more cheesy than fishy.

Will you two shut up?!

You're making me feel hungry.

I make them put their pyjamas on in Dave's van before they come home.

-You don't want them bringing the smell into your house.

-No.

Kids don't like her, do they, Dave?

No.

I think it's lovely for them to go at Christmas

because she's got like a little beard.

A white one, Barbara.

Oh, how Christmassy!

What's happening to the kids tomorrow, Denise?

Well, I can't send them to her at Christmas. They need to be with family.

So they're going to Dave's mum and dad's.

-Oh.

-They don't like it there either, Barbara.

No.

CRACKLING AND BUZZING

ALL: Oh! Oh!

CRACKLING Oh! Oh!

CRACKLING

THEY GROAN

-Have you had your teas?

-BOTH: Yeah.

Ah, what did you have?

-Toad-in-the-hole.

-Ooh, toad-in-the-hole!

But we didn't have any sausages left so we just had the hole.

Hmm, a hole.

-I didn't like it really.

-Didn't you, Dave?

No. It didn't taste of anything.

-Well, it was a hole, Dave.

-Mmm.

-Where's Anthony and Saskia tonight?

-Oh, they're dropping presents off.

I think they just needed a bit of time away from things.

-When's their new house going to be ready?

-Middle of January.

Oh, it's been lovely having my little boy at home again.

Your little boy? He's six foot two and 30 years of age, you daft old bat!

-And a merry Christmas to you and all, Jim(!)

-HE MUMBLES GRUMPILY

-Hey, Mam.

-Hmm?

While they're out, why don't me and you go upstairs

and have a little look at what Saskia's got hung up in her wardrobe?

-Oh, what a good idea. She won't mind.

-No.

-Well, it's quite flattering really, in't it?

-Yeah.

BARBARA GIGGLES

-Hey, Dave, it's doing my head in, having them two staying here.

-Who?

Saskia and Anthony, you bloody rattlehead! Barbara's on at me every five minutes.

I can't fart in front of Saskia,

I can't scratch me nuts in front of Saskia,

I can't lounge around in me Y-fronts in front of Saskia.

All the joys in life have gone, Dave.

You don't want that, do you, James?

No. And when I go for my morning dump, I've got to hang around for ages to see if there's any floaters.

I had a 20-minute battle with one this morning.

It was like trying to sink the Ark Royal.

Oh, aye, yeah, and if I go for a wee and I miss,

I've got to clean it up myself, in case Saskia comes in after me.

I can't just leave it for Barbara any more.

Hey, and when she goes for a bath, there's candles and jock sticks.

It's like bloody Glastonbury up there.

And our Anthony's blocked the keyhole up with toilet roll.

What sort of a man does he think I am, eh?

Took me nearly 20 minutes to unpick it.

By the time I'd finished, she'd had her shower and she'd gone.

Oh, hey, Dave, if I do a fart tomorrow, will you own up to it for me?

Well, what if you don't do one?

With a bellyful of Barbara's sprouts? It's an accident waiting to happen.

-How will I know, though, when you've done one?

-I'll give you a sign.

If I clean me glasses, you know that I've set one free.

Is that all right with you, Dave?

-Check.

-Thank you, David.

FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS

BARBARA GIGGLES

Ooh, she's got lovely things.

Dave, smell that. Isn't it gorgeous?

-Mmm, lovely.

-Saskia's perfume.

-Ooh, that's lovely!

-I'm going to try and sneak up tomorrow and put some on for Christmas Day.

What a good idea. I'll do that as well.

BARBARA CHUCKLES

-It's funny someone of her age keeping a diary, in't it, Mam?

-Yeah.

She doesn't think much of you, Dad.

Oh, I know, I've read it. Slovenly, my arse.

Why didn't she tell me to me face? Because she's sneaky, she is.

Did you put the little padlock back on?

Yeah.

Why she keeps that key in a separate drawer, I'll never know.

No.

CRACKLING

ALL: Ooh.

ALL: Oh! Ooh!

THEY GROAN

Do you want me to have a look at the tree lights for you, Barbara?

-Oh, would you, Dave?

-Yeah.

Dave is absolutely brilliant with electricity.

It's usually the fuse bulb, the white one.

Here you are.

CRACKLING ALL: Yay!

Ah, well done, David! Well done!

Oh, thanks, Dave. Ooh...

BANG!

-Dave, you gormless sod!

-Dave! CLATTERING

Argh! Me toe!

# It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

# Everywhere you go... #

BARBARA GASPS

It's a Dyson!

It's what I've always wanted!

-Oh, I'm glad you like it, Mam.

-Aw, Anthony!

-Merry Christmas!

-Oh, thank you. Oh!

-Aw!

-Thank you!

-It's all right!

I wish we'd got you a Dyson now, instead of that fridge magnet.

Oh, I like that just as much.

I think it looks better on our fridge door than it did on yours, love.

And, er,

-this one's for you, Jim.

-Ooh!

-For me?

-HE LAUGHS

What can it be? Let's have a look. Lucky old me...

-Sky HD!

-HE LAUGHS

Nice one, Lurcio! That's bloody great!

Come here you. Give old Jim a little kiss, come on, come on.

Do you know what, queen?

You're a bloody diamond. Go on.

Go on and sit down. Do you know where I'm going to put this?

I'm going to put this next to that fun-size bar of Toblerone

that Dave, Denise and the two kids bought me for Christmas.

-MUTTERS:

-You tight-arse...

-Are you ready?

-Oh, go on, Mam, yeah, go on!

-Go on, go on!

VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRS

CHEERING

Wayhey!

ANTHONY: Very nice.

Ooh, look at all the dirt!

-It's lovely, Barbara.

-Thanks, Cheryl.

-Is your dad on his way over?

-Yeah.

-Is he bringing your mam?

-Yeah.

Right, well, let's get to the table then. Come on.

Dave, Anthony, help your dad.

Careful, careful, careful.

The bloody thing's throbbing.

Watch where you're putting your shoes, you clumsy... Get your arse out of my face, you stupid big sod!

DAVE: Steady. One, two, three...

Ooh! Oh! Ooh!

Don't sit me there with me back to the telly.

Oh, God! Oh, don't sit him there.

He'll be in my way when I bring the stuff out.

Don't put him there! I don't want him next to me.

Well, why don't you put me in the bloody garden and be done with it!

Over there, the top one!

JIM GROANS

Argh! Watch me bollocks! Sit me down! Sit me down!

Sit me down!

Sit me do... Aahh.

Get that bloody pouffe here, will you, Anthony?

Take it easy! God, you're a clumsy little sod, you are!

Watch the bloody table! Argh!

Oh, it's Joe and Mary!

-Merry Christmas!

-JOE: Merry Christmas, Barbara.

-Merry Christmas, everybody.

-Merry Christmas, Joe.

I brought Mary with me cos I didn't like to leave her on her own.

-No, nobody should be on their own at Christmas.

-Here you are, Joe.

-You're sitting here next to me.

-Well, what should I do with Mary?

Oh, give her to me. I'll put her on the telly with Nana.

They always got on well together.

It's a pity we've scattered me mam's ashes, Barb.

-We could have set a table for all of them in there!

-Jim!

Hey, Merry Christmas, Joe. Have you met Saskia?

-Oh, you're Shaskia?

-Hiya.

-I'm Joe.

-Lovely to meet you.

-You too.

I wish you could've met my wife Mary but she's dead at the moment.

That's her on top of the telly, there.

My grandma died recently. She's still in the urn. We haven't got round to scattering her yet.

You should have brought her up with you, Saskia. We could have put her up there in the line-up

-of the living dead on the television.

-Jim!

Well, bloody hell, Barbara, what time's Vincent Price going to show up?

LAUGHTER

Would you like any help in the kitchen, Barbara?

Oh, no, you're all right, love. You stay there.

Dave, come on! You know I'm bloody helpless with the toes. That's it.

Come on, son.

No, thanks, not for me.

-When's the baby due, Saskia?

-The middle of January.

-Have you had any cravings?

-I've been having really strong cravings for Maltesers.

Oh, Maltesers?

I had cravings with my two, didn't I, Dave?

-Yeah.

-What were they again?

Vodka and Red Bull.

Oh, yeah! Yeah.

-Saskia, if you ever need a baby-sitter, just ask us.

-Oh, thanks, Denise.

There's this old woman four doors down from us and she has ours any time.

Erm, excuse me, everybody.

I'm going on the toilet.

Thanks, Dave.

CHERYL SIGHS

Wasn't it awful?

Did you see in the Metro? Somebody stole the Christmas tree from the front of the old people's home.

Never mind that about that,

Cheryl, love, you're bringing the atmosphere down.

Oh, here's the turkey! Let's have three cheers for the turkey!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

-The old turkey. Here we go.

-Pigs in blankets.

-You what, Joe?

-Them! Pigs in blankets. Mary loved 'em.

-Oh, she did, didn't she, Joe?

-Yeah.

Yeah, I'm sorry, Joe. How have you been coping?

Well, I can't say I haven't missed her.

Oh, we all do, Joe. Help yourself to the margarine, love.

Do you know, she had all her own teeth until the day she died, Shaski.

-Oh, did she?

-Except for the top set.

-And another six at the bottom.

-Ah.

-I keep her dentures on the bedside table.

And do you know, every morning I get up, there she is, smiling at me.

Ah, that's lovely, Joe.

And when I'm really missing her, I pop her glasses on the top.

Well, why don't you get an old mop head, Joe, and complete the bloody picture?

-Oh, isn't this lovely?

-Yeah.

Tell me, who wouldn't look forward to Christmas Day?

Well, the turkey for one!

Mary would've laughed at that if she wasn't dead, Anthony.

I tell you what, Barb, this lot looks bloody lovely, kid.

Oh, Jim.

GLASS TINKLES

I hope you don't mind,

but as a mark of respect, I think we ought to have a minute's silence for Mary before we eat.

Oh, there's no need for that, Joe. You're all right.

ANTHONY: A minute's silence?!

A minute from... Look, Cheryl, will you time it for me?

-A minute?!

-Mmm.

Right, well, from now.

JIM MUTTERS ANGRILY

Come on!

HE MOUTHS

(What can I do?)

(Behave!)

DAVE: Have you got any air freshener, Barbara?

DENISE: Shh! Dave! Shut up!

What's up? What's happening?

(We're having a minute's silence. For Mary.)

-When's it happening?

-It's now, Dave.

Now I've had to speak, we have do it all over again.

Oh, there's no need for that, Joe.

A minute from...now.

HE COUGHS

JIM WHISTLES

THEY MOUTH

Excuse me, everyone.

Sorry to interrupt the minute's silence,

but I've just done a trump. Not Jim.

Dave!

Show a bit of bloody respect!

-We'll have to do it again.

-GROANING

Actually, Dad, we did 40 seconds then and 30 seconds the first time,

so we're ten seconds over.

THEY CHEER

-Aw, this is lovely, Barbara.

-Thanks, love.

Would you like some gravy?

Mmm.

What did you get Anthony for Christmas, Saskia?

-3D TV.

-3D TV?

-3D TV?!

I'd love 3D TV.

I'd love 3D TV.

Fancy watching This Morning in 3D TV!

Holly Willoughby's wallabies coming towards you in 3D. Ho ho ho!

That's the future!

Willoughby's wallabies in 3D.

Two double Ds in 3D, hey, Dave?

-One D would do me!

-# One D at a time, sweet Jesus... #

THEY LAUGH

Wasn't Mary's funeral a good send-off?

THEY GROAN

-It was a glorious day.

-It was a lovely service, Joe.

Just a shame about the ice-cream van during the eulogy.

The vicar said it was the smallest gathering he'd ever seen.

Did you see Mary's sister?

She's Irish, the same as Mary.

You know, she was the one with the one black tooth, off-centre, hanging loose.

Was she the one who tried to start the Mexican wave in the church?

-Ah-ha, that's the one.

-She was a bit of fun, her, wasn't she?

She was giggling all the way through the service.

-She's certified insane.

-JIM SNIGGERS

Oh. Come to think of it, I thought she was a bit odd,

trying to get us all to do the conga filing out the church.

We put everything that was dear to Mary in her coffin, Shaskia.

-Oh, did you, Joe? What a lovely idea.

-It was, wasn't it?

-What did you put in it?

-Well, we put her wedding dress...

-ALL: Aw.

..and her Beverley Callard keep-fit videos, George Foreman grill

and a photo of Cheryl.

-Aw, that's nice, Joe.

-That's lovely.

Oh, yeah, no, not me, Cheryl Cole.

I tell you what, though, it's a wonder there was any room in it for Mary, wasn't there, lad?

Who packed the coffin?

Was it the funeral director or was it, er, Pickfords?

LAUGHTER

-I have brought the poem with me if you'd like to hear it again.

-ALL: No, no.

It's still fresh in our minds, Joe.

No, no. If Joe wants to read it, let him read it.

Anyway, Saskia hasn't heard it.

-You'd like to hear it, wouldn't you, Saskia, love?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Go on, Joe.

Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary...

-JIM MOUTHS

-..Mary, Mary, Mary...

-Who's it about, Joe?

-Mary!

Jim!

You are my wife

My friend and my lover

A part-time dinner lady

And also a mother...

Aw.

Chips, peas and gravy

That's what you had

Chips, pie and gravy

That's what I had...

Is this a poem, Joe, or a bloody menu?

-Jim!

-LAUGHTER

I'll meet you in heaven

It's peaceful up there

I'll spot you immediately

With your ginger hair...

SHE SNORTS

So, bye-bye, Mary

Now up in the sky

Farewell, my Mary

You're dead now, bye-bye.

Oh, so lovely, Joe. It gets better every time you read it.

Saskia, don't get upset, love.

Oh, I forgot it's the first time you've heard it, isn't it?

Joe, do you mind not reading it again? It's too upsetting.

And do you know, when the curtains closed and they played her song,

there wasn't a dry eye in the house.

What was it, Joe?

# Like a bat out of hell

# I'll be gone when the morning comes

# When the night is over

# Like a bat out of hell I'll be gone... #

OK, Joe! That's... All right, Joe!

ALL RIGHT, JOE!

Bloody hell, Joe!

DENISE: I love that song.

-What song would you have played, Mam, for your funeral?

-I know!

# Ding dong, the witch is dead! Which old witch?

# The wicked old witch. #

JIM LAUGHS

-I know what song I'd have at your funeral.

-What?

# Does he wash up?

# No, he never washes up

# Does he clean up? No, he never cleans up

# Does he brush up?

# No, he never brushes up

# He does nothing The boy does nothing. #

THEY CHEER

# Does he wash up?

# Never wash up

# Does he clean up? No, he never cleans up... #

JIM GROANS

To the left! To the left! To the right!

Dave, Dave put me down gentle. Gentle!

# Never wash up

# Does he clean up? No, he never cleans up... #

Where you going? Where you going?

The trousers! The trousers!

Hurry up! Hurry up!

It's peeping! It's peeping!

HE GROANS

That's it.

Argh! The toe! The toe!

# Does he brush up? Never brushed up... #

DAVE AND ANTHONY GROAN

Hey, come on! Outside!

Give a man a bit of bloody dignity!

# Does he brush up? Never brushed up

# He does nothing The boy does nothing... #

HE LAUGHS

# Does he wash up? Never wash up

# Does he clean up? No, he never cleans up

# Does he brush up? Never brushed up

# He does nothing The boy does nothing... #

-ANTHONY: To Mary!

-ALL: To Mary!

And to the end of 2010, cos the country's going to the bloody dogs, isn't it?

To the dogs!

-JOE:

-Hear, hear!

All we've had is cuts, cuts and more cuts.

-DAVE: Oh, yeah.

-They've cut Heartbeat, The Bill, Last Of The Summer Wine.

DAVE: Aye.

Do you like being a nurse, Saskia?

I love it. It's really rewarding.

-I wanted to be a nurse.

-Oh, did you, Cheryl?

-I think you'd have made a lovely nurse, Cheryl.

-DENISE: Yeah.

The only thing is, I can't stand the sight of blood and I don't like looking after people.

Well, why did you want to be a nurse, Cheryl?

-I like the upside-down watches.

-Bloody hell, Cheryl.

What department do you work in, Saskia?

A & E.

Oh, tell them about that bloke that came in last week.

-No.

-No, go on. Go on! Tell 'em.

ALL: Go on!

Right, right. Well, we had this middle-aged man, bank manager he was.

He had a light bulb lodged up his bottom.

LAUGHTER

-What wattage was it?

-Well, what does it matter, Joe, what wattage it was?

It had been up there a while before he came in.

Bloody hell, I hope it was an energy-saving bulb.

-Are you having that, David?

-Good one, James!

-How did he explain that?

-He said he'd just got out of the shower and accidentally sat on a lamp.

-Oh, as if!

-Tell me, this bulb, was it a screw-fit or was it a bayonet?

What does it matter, Joe, if it's a screw-fit, a bayonet or what bloody wattage it was?

-There's a fella out there with a bulb stuck up his arse in A & E, not in B&Q.

-Well, why did he do it?

-I don't know. He might have been frightened of a power cut and he wanted to go for a crap.

-Jim!

You're spoiling Saskia's lovely story here.

Did you keep the bulb, Saskia? We could have used it on our Christmas tree.

Oh, don't be ridiculous, Jim.

You can't put a bulb that's been up somebody's bottom on your tree at Christmas.

Do you do any private work, Shizka?

You see I have this boil that needs looking at and I'd like a professional opinion.

Whereabouts is it, Joe?

-Well, it's about two inches to the left of where that bloke had his bulb lodged.

-Oh, right.

I thought it looked bigger than it was

when I saw it, but it seems that Cheryl was holding the mirror the wrong way round.

Oh, Cheryl.

The main reason I wanted to be a nurse was so I could have married a doctor.

-ALL: Ah.

-Are you seeing anyone at the moment, Cheryl?

-I was seeing this lad up until recently, but we split up.

-I'm sorry to hear that.

-Oh, it's fine. I'm over it now.

-How long ago was it?

-Five months, three weeks, two days.

-ALL: Ah.

ANTHONY: Where did you meet him, Cheryl?

Well, I was sitting on a bench in the precinct having me morning pasties,

when this cute little dog came up and starting jumping up at me.

So I gave him a bit of one and I heard this voice say,

"If you give him any more, he'll follow you home."

I looked up and there he was. I fancied him straightaway.

-ALL: Aw.

-How romantic!

-I said, "Hello, my name's Cheryl."

-And what did he say?

-"Have you got a pound for a cup of tea?"

-Oh, right.

Then he shook his paper cup at me, dead flirty, like.

What was his name, Cheryl?

-Spamhead.

-Ah.

He had lovely handwriting as well,

except he put two M's and one S in "homeless".

-SASKIA: Oh, right.

-And an I in "hungry".

Well, he was only a few letters out.

-Yeah.

-Do you know what, love? That's just like a Mills & Boon story. Lovely.

-Yeah.

Hey, did you meet him, Joe?

Yes. Only once.

Yeah, I took him home to meet me dad but then after we'd left,

my dad couldn't find his Post Office savings book.

When we asked Spamhead, he said his dog had probably eaten it.

His dog must have been able to talk as well

because it went in the Post Office and took all my savings out.

You know, I never liked Spamhead. He never took you anywhere, did he?

-No.

-I think next time you should go for someone who isn't tagged.

I thought Spamhead was a nice lad.

-What was he tagged for?

-Dogging.

STIFLED LAUGHTER

I can't stop looking at them two over there, two old friends together again.

Oh, in't it lovely?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, you're right, Barbara. They do look lovely.

-Yeah.

JOE: It'd make a nice photo, that.

Ooh, yeah, it would. Where's me camera?

Barbara, it's Christmas Day, love. Not Halloween.

Can I be in this photo, Barbara?

Yes, come on, Joe.

I don't know about losing his wife, he's lost the plot.

Get in there.

Smile!

Ah, yeah, that's lovely.

Don't take offence, will you, Barbara,

but can I have one without your mum?

-I'd like just a family one with me, Mary and Cheryl.

-All right.

Come on, Cheryl.

We've had more fun with them now than when they were alive.

LAUGHTER

Smile!

# Sweet sweet memories you gave-a me

# You can't beat the memories you gave-a me

-# Take one fresh and tender kiss

-The memories you gave-a me

# Add one stolen night of bliss

# You can't beat the memories you gave-a me

# One girl, one boy

# Some grief, some joy

# Memories... #

Cheers!

# ..are made of this

# You can't beat the memories you gave-a me

# Memories are made of this

# You can't beat the memories you gave-a me

# Memories are made of this. #

-Oh, we've had a lovely day, Mam. Thanks.

-Ah!

Is Saskia enjoying herself?

Yeah!

I do worry what people think about your dad.

He can be a bit off-putting, you know, with his dirty habits,

his personality, and his body odour.

-Well, we've never known any different, have we?

-No.

He dropped a silent one the other night in the middle of Come Dine With Me.

She must've smelt it, you couldn't not.

It was one of his Sunday ones.

But she didn't say anything.

She just politely put a tissue to her nose, kept it there for ten minutes until it had evaporated.

You know, she's really classy.

Well, I warned her about me dad.

Do you know, I've really enjoyed having you here for the last couple of weeks.

-Oh!

-Ah, I wish you weren't going to your house after Christmas.

You can't let me come with you, can you?

Well, Saskia'd let you, Mam. She thinks the world of you.

-Does she?

-Yeah.

Course she does!

Ah, she is really lovely, Anthony.

Mmm, I know. I think she might be the one for me, you know.

Don't say anything,

but I'm thinking of asking her to marry me on New Year's Eve.

-Are you?

-Yeah!

Oh, Anthony!

Oh!

Are you going to propose here?

Well, no, I want her to say yes.

Oh.

Two Royle weddings in one year!

Yeah.

I hope the Queen doesn't get the same hat as me.

You can wear that one.

-Come here!

-Oh, I love you, Anthony.

I'm so happy for you.

That's us with the Blackpool Tower behind us, look.

Oh, yeah.

Now, that's me and Mary at Harry Ramsden's.

Oh, and that one's on the beach.

That's Mary in that deckchair.

Have you got any of Mary before she was in the urn, Joe?

Oh, no, she didn't like her photo taken, Swastika.

I've got a scan photo of the baby in my bag, Joe, if you'd like to have look at it.

Oh, yeah?

No, thanks.

I think you're on a winner with Anthony. He's a smashing lad.

Yeah, I know.

I much prefer you to his last girlfriend, Emma.

Thanks, Joe.

-She was much better looking than you, but you've got a better personality.

-Right.

But looks fade, don't they?

Oh, aye. Oh, aye.

But not in her case. I saw her last week and she was still bloody gorgeous.

Hard job being a nurse, isn't it?

Sometimes, yeah.

When somebody's going to die,

do you tell them or do you leave it as a surprise?

-Well, every case is different.

-Mm.

I know it was as much a surprise to Mary as it was to me when she expired.

I know she hadn't planned on dying,

because she'd just bought a 2011 diary.

Oh, that's a shame.

Don't tell Barbara, though.

I gave it her for Christmas.

Some folk get upset about getting second-hand diaries from dead people.

Yeah, I can imagine.

Now, this light bulb.

Was it a pearl or was it clear?

Bloody hell, Joe!

SHE LAUGHS

All right, Cheryl?

Yeah, I'm not bad,

considering.

I still can't believe you're moving.

-No.

-It'll be really weird you not living next door any more.

Yeah, it'll be weird for me too.

I'll really miss you, you know, Cheryl.

I've always thought of you as like my elder sister.

-You know, the nice one.

-Thanks, Ant.

Ah!

I think Saskia's really lovely.

Yeah, she is, she's great.

How does she get on with your Lewis?

Really well. Really well.

He's at his mum's. We're picking him up tomorrow.

How did you meet her?

Well, my mate was in hospital, and I went to visit him and she was his nurse.

I just thought she was gorgeous.

He wasn't even that good a mate, but after that, I was there every night!

The nurses were really lovely in the hospital where my mum was when she was ill.

-It must have been a really difficult time.

-Yeah, it was. It was.

I used to go every day. Then one morning, I turned up and they'd switched the machine off.

What, her life support machine?

No, the vending machine in the corridor.

Oh, right!

Listen, don't tell anyone,

but I'm thinking of asking Saskia to marry me on New Year's Eve.

Hey, Mam, isn't Saskia lovely?

Yeah.

What?

Don't say anything, but our Anthony is thinking of asking her to marry him on New Year's Eve.

Ooh!

Ooh, two Royle weddings.

In one year.

Ssh, ssh!

-Are you all right, Cheryl?

-Yeah.

She's lovely, isn't she, Saskia?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Look, don't say anything but Anthony's thinking of asking Saskia to marry him on New Year's Eve.

-We know.

-Two Royle weddings!

-BOTH:

-In one year!

I had me works do last Friday, Dave.

Oh, did you, Ant? So did I.

-What did you do?

-Well, the company hired the Grosvenor in London.

-The Grosvenor?

-Yeah, yeah.

It was a proper black tie job, it was.

It kicked off with cocktails.

It was free drink all night, and then JLS were on stage.

-JLS?

-Then they had this like casino thing, and everybody got £100 worth of chips.

Chips? At the Grosvenor?

-What did you do on yours?

-Well, it started off in the Feathers,

and it ended up in the Feathers.

-Oh, where did you go in between?

-The Feathers.

-Who went?

-Well, it was a joint do with Diarrhoea Pete the roofer and Shaky Dave the electrician.

-Bit of a sesh, was it?

-No, cos they both said they had to go after one.

-Oh, right.

-Mm.

Bit weird, really, because I thought I saw them in the Oak later on when I was going home.

-Are you sure it was them?

-Well, I'm not positive because they were ducking down when I went past.

Mm.

We'll really miss you when you move, Cheryl.

I'll really miss you, Cheryl.

The kids will really miss you.

You've been a brilliant godmother.

Oh, thanks, Denise.

You've potty-trained them, you've taught them to read and write, went to all the parents' evenings for us.

Ah, you've been everything a godmother should be.

I really love them, Denise.

You know, I wish wherever I go I could just take them with me.

No.

-Ooh, would you like a little drink of Baileys?

-Yeah.

Ah, just think,

Nana and Mary will be up there now having a little drink from St Peter's drinks cabinet.

They'll all be up there having a little drink together in heaven now.

Me mam and Mary,

-and Michael Jackson.

-Ooh, yeah.

Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain.

-Ooh, and that little fella from Different Strokes.

-Yeah.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

Ah, remember that time, Cheryl,

when you got your head stuck in the railings

-and your mam came down to help and she got her head stuck and all?

-Yeah.

And then your dad came down, and he got his head stuck too.

Oh, yeah.

And all the firemen were taking photos.

They put the photo in the Metro.

-They used it as a caption contest, didn't they?

-What won again?

"Don't feed the animals."

THEY LAUGH

What about when your mam went to the priest cos she thought she had the stigmata?

Yeah. But it was just eczema.

Yeah! She was dead disappointed.

-And what about when she won the fancy dress at the Feathers as Desmond Tutu?

-Oh, yeah.

But she hadn't gone as him, had she?

-Who did she go as?

-Shaun Wright-Phillips.

Shaun Wright-Phillips!

How's your Lewis, Ant?

Oh, he's great, yeah. He's great.

He was in the school concert last week.

He got picked to play the violin solo.

Wow.

How's your kids doing, Dave?

Oh, smashing, yeah. It was their school nativity the other day.

-Ah!

-Yeah, it was great.

But Denise couldn't come because she was waiting for the DNA results on Jeremy Kyle.

Yeah.

-How did little Norma get on?

-Oh, she was absolutely brilliant.

She played the Virgin Mary...

Aah!

..but she couldn't remember any of her words, so she just did a forward roll.

She's really got the acting bug now.

Was little David in it?

Oh, yeah, he played one of the Three Wise Men.

-Oh, which one?

-The one with the wet patch who stands at the back waving.

Oh, nice one.

Mm. I'll tell you what, Ant. There wasn't a prouder parent in there.

Hey, Dave, don't say anything,

but I'm thinking of asking Saskia to marry me on New Year's Eve.

-No!

-Yeah.

-Ah, Ant! Honest?

-Yeah.

Come here!

Ah, Ant.

-Cheers, Dave.

-Brilliant.

Cheers.

Thanks, Dave.

CHERYL SOBS

-Oh, don't upset yourself, Cheryl.

-It's just I don't want to move.

-Ah.

It's me dad. He wants to move

because the house has got too many memories.

Well, I can understand that, love.

But I love those memories.

Ah!

I don't think he can get over what's happened.

I think he's having a breakdown.

Oh, Cheryl, I think you're worrying unnecessarily.

What's making you think that?

-I don't know.

-Ah!

# I know it could be Christmas

# Every day. #

Oh, thanks, Barbara.

Oh, thanks, Denise.

CHERYL SOBS AND SNIFFS

I really miss her, Jim. I'm lost without her.

She was the brains of the outfit.

Hey? Oh, I know that. I know she was, Joe.

I remember when she was on jury service and she got that confused, she, er,

she owned up to the murders herself!

THEY LAUGH

Yeah, that was her. That was my Mary.

Everywhere she went, she lit up a room.

Aye. Them Chilean miners could have done with her for a while.

Do you remember that day we went on an all-day session?

Mary walked in and found us naked wrestling in front of the gas fire?

That wasn't me, you bloody crackpot.

That was you and Bob Carter.

Eh? Oh, yeah.

Bobby Carter. Oh, yeah.

Are you sure you're doing the right thing moving, Joe?

Yeah, I have to, Jim.

How's Cheryl coping?

Well, I think she's having a bit of a breakdown.

She's comfort eating all the time.

-Although she insists it's an overactive thyroid.

-Joe!

An overactive thyroid?

It was very active last night. It cleaned out the biscuit tin.

Ah, Joe.

Ah, I wish you wasn't going, you know, Joe.

It was hard enough to lose Mary. We don't want to lose you two as well.

Thanks for today, Jim.

She'd have loved it today, wouldn't she?

Aye, she would that.

Her two little cheeks all rosy red with too much sherry.

She'd have had a Baileys in her hand and she'd be singing a song.

# Over in Killarney

# Many years ago

# Me mother sang a song to me In tones so sweet and low

# Just a simple little ditty In her good old Irish way

# And I'd give the world if I could hear

# Her sing that song today

# Too-ra loo-ra loo-ra

# Too-ra loo-ra lie

# Too-ra loo-ra loo-ra

# Hush now, don't you cry

# Too-ra loo-ra loo-ra

# Too-ra loo-ra lie

# Too-ra loo-ra loo-ra

# That's an Irish lullaby. #

Nice, that, Joe.

Nice, that.

AFRICAN CHANT

# Get it down you, Zulu warrior!

# Get it down you, Zulu chief, chief, chief, chief

# Asiyumba-yumba-yah

# Asiyumba-yumba-yah Asiyumba-yumba-yah

# Asiyumba-yumba-yah Asiyumba-yumba-yah

# Asiyumba-yumba-yah

# Asiyumba-yumba-yah Asiyumba-yumba-yah! #

THEY CHEER

# Get it down you, Zulu warrior!

# Get it down you, Zulu chief, chief, chief, chief

# Asiyumba-yumba-yah Asiyumba-yumba-yah

# Asiyumba-yumba-yah

# Asiyumba-yumba-yah Asiyumba-yumba-yah

# Asiyumba-yumba-yah! #

THEY CHEER

Are we having another round?

Oh, get off. You're joking, aren't you?

Hey, I'll tell you what,

you've struck gold with that little Saskia, haven't you?

Oh, yeah, she's great. She's great.

Hey, look, don't tell anyone, but I'm thinking of asking her to marry me on New Year's Eve.

-I know, Dave told me.

-Dave!

Sorry, Ant. Words just fell out.

I was trying to keep that quiet.

-Well, your mother told me as well.

-What?

Two Royle weddings, eh?

In one year!

THEY CHEER AND HIT THE TABLE

Mince pies, anyone?

THEY CHEER

# Asiyumba-yumba-yah

# Asiyumba-yumba-yah Asiyumba-yumba-yah! #

Jolly old mince-os!

Mince-o pie-os!

Hey up, here she comes. Congratulations, Saskia.

Joe!

-He's hasn't asked her yet.

-Yes, he did, he just said so.

He asked her on Christmas Eve.

-It's New Year's Eve, Joe!

-SASKIA: What is?

-ANT: Nothing.

-This is not the right moment.

It might be the right moment.

It's got nothing to do with you, Denise. This is Anthony's moment.

-This could be a nice moment.

-Let Anthony pick his own moment!

He doesn't want to have his moment here, she might say no.

She's not going to say no! She's up the duff, isn't she?

-So why is he asking her again?

-No, Dad, he's not.

-He hasn't asked her yet.

-Well, has he got the ring, do we know?

Right, it's not exactly how I planned it, but...

It looks like the moment.

-It IS the moment.

-What's he doing now?

Saskia...

..will you marry me?

Yeah.

THEY ALL CHEER

# I'm getting married in the morning

# Ding dong the bells are gonna chime

# Pull out the stopper

# Let's have a whopper

# And get me to the church on time. #

THEY ALL CHEER

Congratulations, city slicker!

This is a moment for Joe's special brandy!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Excuse me, everyone.

-Quiet, please.

I'm just going on the toilet again.

Bloody hell, Dave!

-What's the matter with him?

-He's never off that toilet.

Saskia, come and give your future father-in-law a little hug.

URN SMASHES AND THEY GASP

Oh, no. Look at me mam on the rug.

Get her up, quick!

I can't get her all up.

She's sticking to the carpet.

He's bound to notice she's not all in there.

Well, why don't we put four scoops of Nana in with Mary?

You can't mix dead people's ashes up, Denise.

Don't be so disrespectful.

-Can't you just hoover the rest of her up?

-What, with me new Dyson?

Hurry up, Barb. He'll be back any minute.

-Has this ever happened to you on Christmas Day, Saskia?

-No.

HOOVER WHIRS

I'm sorry, Cheryl.

Look out, here he is.

He's coming, he's coming!

-What's happened?

-Mary's in the Dyson.

-What?

-Mary's in the Dyson!

-Who's in the Dyson?

-We were just saying, Joe,

-we didn't expect Mary to

-die soon.

Oh. Vacuuming on Christmas Day, Barbara?

Yeah. She knocked an ashtray over, Joe.

No, Joe.

It's not that. It's... Um...

We've got something to tell you, Joe.

Do you want to tell him, Saskia, with you being a nurse?

Hey, where's Mary's lid gone?

Hang on, where's Mary gone?

There's been an accident, Joe.

-I'm afraid Mary's in the Dyson.

-What?!

My Mary's in the Dyson?

-Sorry, Joe.

-Sorry, Joe.

-Sorry, Joe.

-Sorry, Joe.

-Sorry, Joe.

-Sorry, Joe.

Dad, she's not really in the Dyson.

She's in heaven. She's gone now.

Aye.

Aye.

Fancy telling him, Saskia.

Saskia!

Don't blame Saskia, Dad. Mam told her to tell him.

Anyway, it's your fault for knocking it off in the first place.

It's not my bloody fault. It's his bloody fault for falling on my toe in the first place.

I was fixing YOUR tree lights.

Leave Dave out of it, Dad.

It's not his fault.

-It's Mam's fault for dropping the frozen turkey on it in the first place.

-It wasn't my fault.

It was your Dad's fault cos he wouldn't double-bag it.

5p for a carrier bag! It's the coa-bloody-lition's fault.

What's the coalition got to do with Mary being in the Dyson?

Well, what did you get us a Dyson for in the first place?

Jim, you know I've always wanted a Dyson.

Yes, and look at the trouble it's caused.

I don't think it's the Dyson's fault.

Well, who has a dead old woman at the table on Christmas Day anyway?

Jim, do you mind? That dead old woman is Cheryl's dead old mother!

DOOR OPENS

THEY GASP

He's back.

-Are you all right, Dad?

-Yeah. You're right, love.

You're mum's not in the Dyson,

and she's really never been in the urn.

She's in here.

-She's in our hearts. Isn't she?

-Yeah.

You know, I've been dreading Christmas without her,

but I've realised one thing.

I'll never be on my own while I've got you lot.

Ah!

That's why I went back

and took this down.

Because we're going nowhere, Cheryl.

THEY ALL CHEER

MUSIC: "Up Where We Belong" by Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes

Come on, Mary, love. We're going home.

THEY CHEER

Nice one, Joey!

SASKIA GASPS

SASKIA BREATHES HEAVILY

# So what do you say?

# You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway

# Half the world away

# Half the world away

# Half the world away

# I've been lost I've been found

# But I don't feel down. #

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