Episode 5 The Thick of It


Episode 5

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Transcript


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This programme contains strong language and adult humour from the start.

0:00:020:00:07

-Tickel's dead.

-What?

0:00:070:00:08

This is an emergency situation, You have to bash the Tickel button.

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You should all for an inquiry. Now.

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That's why I'm calling for an inquiry.

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I need to have that email.

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I'll do it.

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I may have fleetingly supported the policy myself.

0:00:190:00:22

So you've essentially launched an investigation into yourself?

0:00:220:00:25

'I have decided to stand down as leader.'

0:00:250:00:29

Ding Dong! The useless bitch is dead.

0:00:290:00:31

Oh, God. Here we go.

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Do you feel you've been stabbed in the back, Mrs Murray?

0:00:340:00:37

She won't be answering any questions.

0:00:370:00:39

Are you backing Dan Miller for Leader?

0:00:390:00:41

Thank you all very much.

0:00:410:00:43

There she goes, a tiebreaker in the making.

0:00:450:00:47

"Who was Nicola Murray? I'll have to hurry you, teams."

0:00:470:00:51

Farewell our shit and useless servant.

0:00:510:00:53

At least Miller's a step up from Murray.

0:00:530:00:55

He doesn't have Left and Right on his wellies.

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I need your attention for thirty of your earth seconds.

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-This is what will happen.

-What is Stewart doing?

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You will go to the Z drive.

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You find a file entitled "Miller's Ascension, Whitehall Arab Spring".

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Open, ingest, implement. And after that, I expect both of you.

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You two, to get together.

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Oh, fuck, the man made of space hopper is coming this way.

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This is going to be about the inquiry.

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I'm thinking I should resign now.

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What?

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You can't do that. You're Aslan, no-one shaves your mane.

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I'm not a fucking lion, Phil.

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There's going to be an inquiry into the death of a man

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who died because of a policy I signed off on.

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We all know how this is going to end.

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I, I, I should take the dignified way out.

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You've missed the dignified exit. That was straight away, basically.

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Yeah.

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The only silver lining in today's cloud of farts is that another one

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of Morecambe and Wise's policy launches is ruined.

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-Are those the carers? They don't look old enough.

-Free travel passes or something.

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It's another one of Adam and Fergus' 'Pop Up Book of Policies'.

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Peter Mannion. Lovely to meet you. What vital work you do.

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Peter, I'd love to introduce you to 'The Carers'...

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I've just met them.

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What's my plan? I didn't resign, and now this inquiry's

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going to nail me up like fucking Barabbas.

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-Actually, he was the one they let go. Shouldn't have, he was a criminal.

-Wait.

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We could wrong-foot Murray.

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-How?

-You could push for the inquiry to go wider.

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Wider? That's mental! We want to shut it down.

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Just hear me out.

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We could look into the whole culture of PFI procurement.

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-That is a good idea.

-Really?

-Fuck, that hurt to say.

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But she's right, because Murray's husband's involved in PFI

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and he's as dodgy as a Russian... As a Russian.

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We can backspin it, Peter. It's good.

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But...but... Is revenge a mature response? Let me think. Yes, it is.

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Right, let's poke her in the PFI's.

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If you get any channel problems, just swing them past the purple Power Ranger over here.

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Hello, again. Vital, vital work, so proud of you.

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Terri, I've got a job for you.

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Ah, Peter. This is all pretty white-knuckle stuff, eh?

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Is it getting the old adrenalin pumping?

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-Assuming you can squeeze past the port and stilton?

-Shut the fuck up, you prancing shit.

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Ah, we need to widen the inquiry into the Mr Tickel's death

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to include the issue of PFI contracts.

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Great. OK.

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I'm just working on Fergus's Carer's Pass press release...

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Good. Could you fuck that to one side for the moment and concentrate on this? Thank you.

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Slip into neutral for a moment here, Peter.

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We haven't got a green, so let's not hit the accelerator.

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Here's another way of looking at it. Let's. Goodbye.

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So, we heading home?

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No, back to the office.

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Oh. Really?

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Lots of people there have worked incredibly hard for me.

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They're going to want to see me to say a proper goodbye.

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Of course. Yeah, I'm sure that's true.

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Oh, Christ, there's that fucking chop!

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You've been chopped, Mrs Murray! How does it feel to be chopped?

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You're a little bit late actually, Mr Chop.

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You've... you've had your chips! Ha-ha!

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That is precisely why I didn't let you go to the One Show.

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Olly, for God's sake pick up. I've had it. I'm coming in from the cold.

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I'm, I'm re-crossing the floor.

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Oh, Glenn! These are the carers. This is Jack, and this is Rohinka.

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Hello.

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I'm really sorry for your loss.

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Mannion's called for a PFI enquiry.

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Oh, that's going to put the cat among the pussies.

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We need to show that we were never in favour PFI and that we never

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approved of the sell off of key-worker housing. However...

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In a way that doesn't make us look like dicks for not saying so

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at the time or shits for saying so now.

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-You know, we don't have much time.

-Well, let's just bin the Carer's Pass launch. Just bin it.

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It's spring conference in two weeks. The Dungaree Jubilee.

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That kind of stuff is exactly what the conference needs.

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But we've been here for three years and we've done fuck all.

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We haven't done fuck all.

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No, no, seriously, think about it.

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In that time, Apple have launched two iPhones,

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three iPads and their boss is a fucking dead guy!

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Yeah.

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Let's just push it till the end of the day.

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OK, we'll push it near the end of the day, but you know the... Robyn.

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Hello, Robyn.

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That, in fact, is my name.

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Take a seat.

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I know it's your name, because it was at the top of a redundancy list

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that I've just looked at.

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Right, stop rolling around naked in the headlines.

0:05:050:05:07

Blind Man's Crumpet's on the way up. If you're going to film her, try not to make it obvious.

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And no smiling. Not even a wee fucking Anne Robinson, right?

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The look we're going for should be solemn respect.

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You know, like blokes modelling underpants.

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Oh, hang on. Mannion's calling for a wider inquiry.

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He's what?!

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He's trying to drag you in - shift the focus to the PFI conflict

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with your husband's company.

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No, no! No, no, no, no, no!

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Fuck! What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?

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Go up there and smile for starters.

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Yes, Dan! Dan, Dan can put the lid on this, can't he?

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Course he can, because he is actually quite good.

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I'm probably going to get quite emotional, might get quite teary

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if I can find an onion or somebody to pluck my pubes.

0:05:450:05:48

-Robert!

-Yes, sir?

0:05:480:05:49

-I want you to get over to Fatty's.

-Yeah.

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Make sure he's not hiding a leadership challenge from me.

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Frisk him if necessary, all 300 of his folds. Get to it.

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I will, do some small-talk, best wishes stuff,

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and then I'll just casually bring up the inquiry.

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Or, no! No, no, I should cut straight to the inquiry,

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shouldn't I?

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Oh, fuck, I don't know how to play this. Um...

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This is why they got rid of me, isn't it? Isn't it?!

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-No, no...

-This is it, this is it!

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-No, there were other reasons.

-Fuck!

-Come on, let's go.

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Seat of the pants airways.

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Are you smiling? I can't see your face. Make sure you're smiling.

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Oh, here she comes. Yes, hello.

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Ha, Thank you. Thanks very much.

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I hope you're not clapping because I've gone.

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Ha-ha! Um, seriously, I, er, I feel over the past two years,

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I've given it my best shot.

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And I'm quite sure that my, er, successor,

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whoever he or she may be, will achieve the victory

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that this country badly needs.

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I've got some, some very, er...

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strong memories from working here, and I'll, um...

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I'll keep those with me, for ever.

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So thank you guys. Thank you. Thanks a lot.

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Thank you. Thanks so much. Thanks for everything. Dan!

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It feels a bit odd for me to add to your speech,

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but I will be tweeting a tribute later.

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Oh, that's nice. Thank you.

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I was just wondering if we could just have a private word

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in my office, in your... Well, in, in, this office.

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Umm, yep.

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Yes? Great. Thank you.

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Oh.

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Oh! Ha-ha! Don't know where to sit!

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I, er, actually I'll just grab... One of those.

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This inquiry, you know, it's not really necessary now,

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so if you want to say that, I'll just back down.

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An inquiry wouldn't be a bad thing.

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A clean break with the past in the minds of the electorate.

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Well, I mean, the electorate, you know, like me.

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Quite a lot of them voted me leader, so...

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But you only beat me on a technicality.

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Yeah.

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I mean the thing is, Dan, you know, pragmatically,

0:07:590:08:02

I'm now a party grandee.

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Malcolm, this is a private conversation.

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You are not a grandee, you're a fucking blandee.

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No-one knew what the fuck you stood for. Political fucking mist.

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No substance, no weight.

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You've got all the charm of a rotting teddy bear by a graveside.

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By the way, women fucking hate you.

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I can show you the polling.

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They think you come across like a jittery mother at a wedding.

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The best thing you ever did in your flat-lining non-leadership

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was call for an inquiry.

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Because that will fuck the government, and it will fuck you.

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So now, please, just fuck off back to your home, you headless frump,

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and prepare for your column in Grazia.

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-Steady on Malcolm, that's a bit strong.

-Come on, let's go.

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OK, you... Well, you just need to know that you have absolutely

0:08:450:08:51

fucking done it now, Malcolm.

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Because you're about to find out what it feels like

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to have me pissing into your tent.

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Well, you know what?

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Your piss will never fucking make it into my tent, because by some

0:08:590:09:02

unforeseen Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco, like every fucking Nicola

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Murray-shaped fiasco I've had to deal with for the last two years,

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you'll end up blowing your own fucking stream

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into your own fucking face. There's your golden handshake.

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Finished?

0:09:140:09:16

You're finished.

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We'll see.

0:09:180:09:19

Right. Well, thanks, Dan. Think about what I said.

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Also might want to think about the fact there should be

0:09:220:09:25

an apostrophe in 'it's'. Illiterate fuckers.

0:09:250:09:27

What did Dan say about the inquiry?

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Fucking Dan! He's just a... He's basically just a bent dummy

0:09:320:09:35

with Malcolm's hand shoved up his arse. Fucking..!

0:09:350:09:38

-All right, just calm down.

-Bastards.

0:09:390:09:41

-Do you want some Rescue Remedy?

-No.

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Do you want me to send for some noodles?

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No, I don't want fucking noodles!

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I just...

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Oh, God.

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I just... I just want a fucking break.

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Mmm.

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I think we both need to think about where we're at.

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You know, trajectory and so on.

0:10:020:10:05

Bollocks.

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I don't want you.

0:10:110:10:12

I just didn't want everybody to go on the same day, that's all.

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I'm fine. I've got me from here.

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Box.

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Box.

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Fucking box.

0:10:280:10:29

Bingo! We just need to leak it.

0:10:330:10:36

You saying, "Key worker housing sell-off is possibly the worst idea

0:10:360:10:39

"since the invention of theatre."

0:10:390:10:41

Does that give us enough distance from Mannion?

0:10:410:10:44

Oh, yeah. This is your 'Get Out of Jail Free' card strapped to a fucking jet-pack.

0:10:440:10:48

We just need to leak it.

0:10:480:10:49

Well, obviously it can't look like it came from us.

0:10:490:10:52

Maybe it's time to bring Glenn back. He's been out on a limb since punk hasn't he?

0:10:520:10:55

Thousand year old Glenn Fiddich?

0:10:550:10:58

-Yeah, fucking perfect. He'll love it.

-Olly, look, I'm feeling very exposed here.

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I've got my cock out, it's covered in breadcrumbs

0:11:010:11:03

and the fucking pigeons are circling.

0:11:030:11:07

Look, please, just, just ring me back.

0:11:070:11:10

Mr Cullen, we would like you to leak...wow...this.

0:11:110:11:16

Don't worry. Nothing major, just an email that puts a bit of distance

0:11:160:11:19

between Fergus and the Tickel affair.

0:11:190:11:21

What? I go from being a turnip to a leak.

0:11:210:11:23

Still a fucking vegetable to you though, eh?

0:11:230:11:25

You want to bring Mannion down a peg or 12, don't you, Glenn?

0:11:250:11:28

Well, of course I do. The up-his-arse Kensington Butcher.

0:11:280:11:32

Well, this is the cyanide capsule we'd like you

0:11:320:11:35

to break into his afternoon brandy.

0:11:350:11:36

This is it, Glenn, you're off the bench

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and back on the pitch to score the golden goal in extra time.

0:11:380:11:41

Come on, mate.

0:11:410:11:43

Pick it up.

0:11:430:11:44

Fuck it. Why not? I'll do it.

0:11:450:11:47

Good man. Thank you.

0:11:470:11:49

I don't need to shake your hand.

0:11:490:11:51

-All right. Touchy but not feely.

-Go. I'll have a look.

0:11:510:11:53

You are a brilliant bullshitter.

0:11:530:11:57

Yeah, well. Two years doing press for npower, it never leaves you.

0:11:570:12:00

PHONE RINGS

0:12:000:12:02

Hello, Malcolm.

0:12:040:12:06

Are you telling me he's still in a fucking ba... Sorry, excuse me.

0:12:060:12:08

Hello, Charlie Bucket. Hang on a sec.

0:12:080:12:11

Tell him to get out of the fucking bar, or I will come along

0:12:110:12:14

and personally set fire to the whisky-soaked bastard.

0:12:140:12:16

-Hey-hey! You're missing all the excitement.

-Yeah, no, no.

0:12:160:12:19

I've been following developments on Sky News,

0:12:190:12:21

where they have actually stitched Dan Miller's head

0:12:210:12:24

to Usain Bolt's body.

0:12:240:12:25

Yes, well, get in a cab and get over here right now.

0:12:250:12:28

What me? You want me over there?

0:12:280:12:30

Of course I want you here. You are now my right hand man.

0:12:300:12:34

Is this one of those jokes where I turn up and you go

0:12:340:12:36

"Ha-ha, my right hand, that's what I wipe my arse with"?

0:12:360:12:39

That's a risk you're going to have to take.

0:12:390:12:41

All right, well, as soon as I'm signed off by a consultant, I'll...

0:12:410:12:44

Oh, who cares about the opinion of some golf-obsessed prick in a bow tie?

0:12:440:12:47

Just scoop your guts up, put them in a fucking wheelbarrow and come over.

0:12:470:12:51

Love you too.

0:12:510:12:53

Robyn. Carer's Pass has timed out, yeah?

0:12:540:12:58

Bundle the Munchkins out of the building, get them in tomorrow.

0:12:580:13:01

Right. Can we get them something for their travel?

0:13:010:13:04

Well, thanks to the Carer's Pass they get free travel!

0:13:040:13:07

But it hasn't come in yet.

0:13:070:13:09

So no.

0:13:090:13:11

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

0:13:150:13:17

Umm, it looks like we're not going to launch the Carer's Pass today.

0:13:170:13:21

Um, but we were wondering, could you come back at the same time tomorrow?

0:13:210:13:25

I don't know. Erm...

0:13:250:13:28

Have you got anything on? I mean, you know,

0:13:280:13:30

apart from the full-time round-the-clock

0:13:300:13:33

medical care of your families?

0:13:330:13:35

Ah ha! It's his Ollyness!

0:13:350:13:38

Olly, whose initiation rite into our little cabal of shitty devils here,

0:13:380:13:43

will be to go over and visit Fatty,

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and to present him with this as a means of getting him

0:13:460:13:49

to shelve his ludicrous leadership ambitions.

0:13:490:13:53

-Show him this.

-Oh!

0:13:530:13:55

Jesus, Malcolm! You could have left it in the envelope.

0:13:550:13:58

OK, come on everybody! Let's get to it.

0:13:580:14:01

I want Dan to wake up to the news that any opposition is Brian Jones.

0:14:010:14:06

Meaning?

0:14:060:14:07

Dead in the water.

0:14:070:14:08

Oh, yeah, right.

0:14:080:14:09

Could you?

0:14:180:14:19

Glenn!

0:14:190:14:21

What are you doing at my computer?

0:14:220:14:24

I'm just doing Bradford & Bingley a favour.

0:14:240:14:26

I'm bringing down Mannion by leaking an email.

0:14:260:14:28

A leak! Coming from my computer? No. No. Get off. Get off.

0:14:280:14:32

Take that...whatever it is, out of the...whatever it is. Take it. Out.

0:14:330:14:36

No-one will think it's you. Nobody leaks from their own computer.

0:14:360:14:40

Look, you do this for me,

0:14:400:14:41

and I'll make sure that you get the full severance package.

0:14:410:14:43

No questions asked, with full pension.

0:14:430:14:46

And a lump sum.

0:14:460:14:48

Yeah. I guess. Yeah.

0:14:480:14:49

The thing is, Glenn, I've got my eye on a tea shop near Ludlow.

0:14:490:14:52

Without a lump sum, no tea shop. No can do.

0:14:520:14:55

OK, right. This can go straight to Geoffrey at The Guardian. Yeah?

0:14:550:14:59

OK.

0:14:590:15:00

-Right.

-Can we do it together?

0:15:000:15:02

What?

0:15:020:15:03

Please. Just your hand on mine, my hand on yours. Just to it together. Like, um...

0:15:030:15:07

Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid.

0:15:070:15:09

Yes, OK.

0:15:090:15:10

Not that I'm saying you're butch.

0:15:100:15:12

No, of course not.

0:15:120:15:13

One, two, three.

0:15:130:15:16

Just send the email.

0:15:160:15:17

Ah, Team Peter. Come on, guys.

0:15:220:15:23

Let's take a little imagination stroll

0:15:230:15:25

through a virtual enquiry, huh?

0:15:250:15:28

Oh, dear God, not another whiteboard session.

0:15:280:15:31

I've got a note from my mother, I have a verruca.

0:15:310:15:33

I just want to get an overview, Peter.

0:15:330:15:35

A helicopter shot of where we currently are.

0:15:350:15:37

Who's most to blame in the blame garden.

0:15:370:15:40

OK, the onion is PFI, let's peel back some layers.

0:15:400:15:43

-Murray resignation. How do we feel about that?

-What's Tickel's M records?

0:15:430:15:46

Medical. It's his leaked medical records.

0:15:460:15:49

Leaked? I thought they were common knowledge.

0:15:490:15:52

Well, they are now. Because they have been leaked.

0:15:520:15:55

-Did you know this?

-Number 10 knew, so I knew, yeah.

0:15:550:15:57

What about you?

0:15:570:15:58

Yeah, I thought Tickel leaked them himself.

0:15:580:16:00

Who would voluntarily leak their own medical records?

0:16:000:16:03

You'd have to be mad to do that.

0:16:030:16:05

He was mad. That's precisely what his records said.

0:16:050:16:07

Exactly. He was a male nurse. That's not just mad, that's mental.

0:16:070:16:11

Phil! Did the last 30 years only happen to other people?

0:16:110:16:13

Why didn't I know about this? Leaking medical records is illegal.

0:16:130:16:16

Now I look guilty and incompetent.

0:16:160:16:19

Ah! Peter, incompetent.

0:16:190:16:20

Look! Don't write that down! I'm not on your sodding onion!

0:16:200:16:23

What is GFU? Good for us. Mmm?

0:16:230:16:27

Oh, shit with a capital shit. We've got to go.

0:16:270:16:29

Great.

0:16:290:16:30

No, no, no. Sit.

0:16:300:16:31

The Guardian have received an e-mail from Fergus.

0:16:310:16:33

Actually, do you know, strike that. Chain of emails.

0:16:330:16:36

Oh, perfect. With all of our comments about Mr Tickel underneath.

0:16:360:16:39

Oh, God. Not the one where we all piled in with the Mr Men jokes?

0:16:390:16:42

Yes, that one, Phil.

0:16:420:16:43

-Oh, you kid me.

-Jesus!

0:16:430:16:45

I kid you not!

0:16:450:16:46

Oh my giddy fuck.

0:16:460:16:48

They've leaked all the bloody emails.

0:16:480:16:49

"Mr Tickel sounds like a gropey clown at a kid's party".

0:16:490:16:52

I can't see! Can I make it bigger?

0:16:520:16:56

Go to settings. "Poor Ickle Mr Tickel, perhaps he's meant to be sickle".

0:16:560:16:59

That's from Fergus.

0:16:590:17:00

Is this settings?

0:17:000:17:02

Ah! I think I've just taken a picture of my feet.

0:17:020:17:04

PHONE RINGS

0:17:040:17:06

Yep?

0:17:060:17:08

What? Where?

0:17:080:17:11

Right. I don't know.

0:17:110:17:13

OK. Rugby tackle him, or, or taze him. Gaffer tape him to a seat.

0:17:130:17:16

He can't come up here.

0:17:160:17:17

Er...Glenn is in reception.

0:17:170:17:19

Hoddle? Miller? Close? Morangie?

0:17:190:17:22

Cullen. Glenn Cullen is in reception.

0:17:220:17:24

Glenn?

0:17:240:17:25

Yeah.

0:17:250:17:26

Why are you even fucking telling me that?

0:17:260:17:28

When the Queen's butler finds a cockroach in the pantry,

0:17:280:17:30

he just stamps on it.

0:17:300:17:31

-Yes.

-She doesn't even know.

0:17:310:17:34

OK, OK. I'll go and stamp on the cockroach, Malcolm.

0:17:340:17:37

'..the whole enquiry into the whole culture of leaking...'

0:17:370:17:41

Sam, Sam! Get me Stewart Pearson on the phone!

0:17:410:17:44

Olly, shouldn't you be in bed?

0:17:440:17:46

Shouldn't you not be here?

0:17:460:17:48

Whoa, stop, stop, whoa! You can't go up there.

0:17:480:17:50

No, I have to. I can't go back over there.

0:17:500:17:53

It's like Alien versus Predator. I want back in! Here!

0:17:530:17:57

Everybody is tremendously appreciative of what you've done.

0:17:570:18:00

It was a noble sacrifice, but...

0:18:000:18:02

What do you mean, sacrifice? I thought we had a deal?

0:18:020:18:05

Sacrifice sounds very one sided.

0:18:050:18:07

Piss off sounds one sided, but there we go.

0:18:070:18:09

Hey, Malcolm.

0:18:090:18:11

Why is he still here? Can you not perform a simple task?

0:18:110:18:14

When there is a shit on your doorstep, you hose it off.

0:18:140:18:17

You don't try and talk it into leaving of its own volition.

0:18:170:18:19

I got rid of Nicola for you. You owe me.

0:18:190:18:21

I owe you? Your act of treachery wiped the slate clean.

0:18:210:18:25

Rudolf Hess's fucking senile older brother.

0:18:250:18:27

Look, I know you think I screwed up,

0:18:270:18:29

but I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm.

0:18:290:18:31

You, my friend. You don't exist to me any more.

0:18:310:18:33

I can't even fucking hear you.

0:18:330:18:35

Do you want me to beg? Is that it?

0:18:350:18:38

Because I will.

0:18:380:18:40

Listen, Mary Queen of fucking Shits.

0:18:400:18:43

In the old days we would have just slit you up the middle

0:18:430:18:45

like a fucking Cornish pasty.

0:18:450:18:47

Hang your steaming entrails all around the Tower of fucking London.

0:18:470:18:51

Catch you later, you fucking traitor.

0:18:510:18:53

-Sam, what is it?

-A call from Stewart Pearson.

0:18:540:18:57

Stewart Pearson. I'm the fucking wanker's lodestone today!

0:18:570:18:59

Stewart, yes. The goatee-bearded guru-boy of Company B.

0:18:590:19:03

It's a no, Glenn.

0:19:040:19:05

Yeah, Malcolm can this wait, Mmm?

0:19:070:19:08

Word is the PM's considering an inquiry into the culture of leaking.

0:19:080:19:12

No, no. Do you really think he's going to invite everyone into

0:19:120:19:15

our complex network of secret burrows?

0:19:150:19:17

Open up the whole of Watership Down?!

0:19:170:19:19

OK 'Bright Eyes'. I'm massively fucking reassured.

0:19:190:19:22

Look, you may as well have an inquiry into gravity.

0:19:220:19:24

Now, I have to go, Malcolm,

0:19:240:19:25

because I've got like a whole country to govern, yeah?

0:19:250:19:28

Could I use your pass to go to the loo again?

0:19:280:19:30

Thing is, if my swipe card is being monitored, then it's either

0:19:300:19:34

going to look quite like I'm skiving or have a bladder condition.

0:19:340:19:37

The primary thing I want to say first and foremost

0:19:410:19:43

is you can't blame me for this, Peter.

0:19:430:19:45

If anything, it's the culture of blame that's to blame for this.

0:19:450:19:47

Great to see you again. Such crucial work you do.

0:19:470:19:51

Meeting room!

0:19:510:19:52

Right. Sit down.

0:19:530:19:55

-I can't resign.

-No.

0:19:550:19:57

And I'm not going to resign.

0:19:570:19:58

I had the perfect moment to, right early on,

0:19:580:20:00

when I could have resigned in a dignified and statesman-like way,

0:20:000:20:03

and you both advised me not to resign.

0:20:030:20:05

So now, I. Can't. Resign.

0:20:050:20:08

You shouldn't resign, Peter.

0:20:080:20:09

This is going to happen. One of you has got to go.

0:20:090:20:11

I want both of you to give me reasons why you shouldn't resign.

0:20:110:20:15

Erm, because, because, I'm a Special Advisor to...a...senior cabinet.

0:20:160:20:19

That's a job description, Philip. That's a job description.

0:20:190:20:22

That is not a reason.

0:20:220:20:23

That's just your job, from which I'm asking you why you shouldn't resign.

0:20:230:20:27

I...know...everything about you.

0:20:270:20:30

I am a, a world expert in, in, in Peter Mannion.

0:20:300:20:34

From, er...pin number to inside leg measurements.

0:20:340:20:38

I'm, I'm, I'm there, you know...

0:20:380:20:40

What's his inside leg measurements?

0:20:400:20:42

34. I've, I've given you everything, Peter.

0:20:420:20:45

You can't, I mean, I don't have anything else. That's the point.

0:20:450:20:48

I don't, I don't have any friends. I don't have any life.

0:20:480:20:50

I haven't had sex for five years, and I, I don't even enjoy it.

0:20:500:20:53

So, you know, I'm not going to get anyone pregnant.

0:20:530:20:55

I'm never going to get anyone pregnant, OK? I'm fucking seedless.

0:20:550:20:59

Where as she's just, just a fucking baby bomb! OK?

0:20:590:21:01

And she's going to go off all over the office and, and leave you!

0:21:010:21:05

I'm going to be here!

0:21:050:21:06

-I'm sorry, but my good name is at stake here.

-Oh, Christ.

0:21:060:21:09

Peter, you must understand. I am an innocent woman. I'm the "DoSac One".

0:21:090:21:12

That's it. I've had enough. I've had enough of all of you.

0:21:120:21:14

You're all shit. I'm going to sort it out, by myself.

0:21:140:21:17

Did you hear that?

0:21:170:21:19

-I can't bear that you think about me like this.

-Don't follow me.

-No, please!

0:21:190:21:22

Stop following me.

0:21:220:21:23

I insist, I insist. Peter, please.

0:21:230:21:25

All right, I admit it. I'm in love with you.

0:21:250:21:27

Now fuck off to your office and organise the wedding.

0:21:270:21:29

Mannion goes Mel Gibson.

0:21:310:21:33

Spot it.

0:21:330:21:34

-You know what you've done?

-Yeah?

0:21:340:21:36

You bought a fan. You've plugged it in,

0:21:360:21:37

you've turned the dial up to maximum...

0:21:370:21:39

It wasn't a weak fan. Not one of those office fans.

0:21:390:21:42

It was a Dyson. And I stood the other side of it...

0:21:420:21:44

-Did a liquid shit on it.

-Trousers down.

0:21:440:21:47

And where did the shit go? All over Mannion.

0:21:470:21:49

PHONE BEEPS

0:21:490:21:50

That's just priceless.

0:21:500:21:51

Fuck, hang on.

0:21:510:21:53

What?

0:21:530:21:54

Uh, check the fucking emails.

0:21:540:21:55

What are you talking about?

0:21:550:21:57

What the fuck did you give to Glenn?

0:21:570:21:59

Just the email...

0:21:590:22:00

-But it's the whole... We're on the email!

-Oh, fucking hell.

0:22:000:22:03

Why did you, why did you leave us on the dongle?

0:22:030:22:06

No, no, no no, no. No! No!

0:22:060:22:08

Because he's only supposed to send the fucking top part of it!

0:22:080:22:11

Why did you give him the choice?

0:22:110:22:12

Because an email has a chain, Fergus. It has a chain, and it goes all the way down.

0:22:120:22:16

-Adam, there is now shit all over me!

-Oh, Jesus Christ!

0:22:160:22:18

How come there is shit on me? Thanks, Adam!

0:22:180:22:21

Look, it's not my fucking fault! He's supposed to redact it!

0:22:210:22:24

I just wanted one solid shit, to go in one direction.

0:22:240:22:27

Not Madras, fucking everywhere!

0:22:270:22:30

Alastair, yeah, it's Peter Mannion.

0:22:300:22:33

I just wanted to give you a nudge on this.

0:22:330:22:35

The real story here isn't all this jokey email nonsense,

0:22:350:22:39

it's that Mr Tickel's medical records were illegally acquired.

0:22:390:22:43

Yeah.

0:22:440:22:45

He's been the victim of Mr Blag.

0:22:460:22:48

OK. Bye.

0:22:500:22:52

Hi. I just...needed a pen.

0:22:550:22:58

Would you like a pen?

0:22:580:23:00

As a small recompense for the vital, vital work that you do...

0:23:000:23:03

I'll tell you what I'd like. I'd like a departmental in ten regarding leakage.

0:23:030:23:07

And as of now, your department's in lockdown.

0:23:070:23:10

No emailing, no Diving Bell and Butterflying,

0:23:100:23:12

no communication, nada!

0:23:120:23:14

Just a little piece of electric paper, that's all.

0:23:140:23:17

Off the record,

0:23:170:23:18

there are a number of machines that emails can be set to.

0:23:180:23:21

Why would I know anything about this email? Why me? Thank you.

0:23:210:23:25

PHONE RINGS

0:23:260:23:28

Comms. Off the phones. Now.

0:23:280:23:30

Oh, my...I think I've just perjured myself.

0:23:320:23:33

Can you perjure yourself on the phone, or is it only a court thing?

0:23:330:23:36

I'm so sorry for the delay. I promise it won't be much longer.

0:23:370:23:40

And that's not a political promise. That's a real promise. Ha-ha-ha!

0:23:400:23:44

Hey!

0:23:440:23:45

2,000-year-old man! Why the fuck did you send the whole email?! Huh?

0:23:450:23:48

You were supposed to redact it, send the top email,

0:23:500:23:52

not the whole fucking exchange.

0:23:520:23:55

Jesus Christ on a crystal meth binge!

0:23:550:23:58

Terri and I sent what you gave me.

0:23:580:24:00

Terri?!

0:24:000:24:02

Why the fuck... The only reason I'd ever ask Terri for help,

0:24:020:24:05

is to shoot me, if I ever ask Terri for help!

0:24:050:24:09

Same reason you gave it to me. Distance.

0:24:090:24:11

Two people! Twice the distance!

0:24:110:24:14

Terri doesn't give us any distance! Terri gives me a twitch! Right here!

0:24:140:24:17

Laugh it up, Glenn. I've got a twitch called Terri!

0:24:170:24:19

I am actually here, you know.

0:24:190:24:22

Yeah, and that, in a nutshell, is the whole fucking problem!

0:24:220:24:25

# Fuck you very much. #

0:24:250:24:27

Five minutes guys, yeah?

0:24:270:24:29

Thanks.

0:24:290:24:30

Glenn, what about my tea shop?

0:24:310:24:33

It got closed. There's been a murder.

0:24:330:24:36

An inquiry into all of leaking. All of leaking.

0:24:380:24:42

We are so...we are so screwed.

0:24:420:24:45

He's done it.

0:24:450:24:47

That chinless horse fiddler, our fucklustrious PM has opened

0:24:470:24:50

Pandora's fucking Box and curled a massive steamer right into it.

0:24:500:24:56

In the time it has taken for Terri to extract

0:24:560:24:59

herself from her Bluetooth, this little inquiry has fused!

0:24:590:25:02

It is now growing faster than the speed of bloody light!

0:25:020:25:06

It's not going to be something that we can see from space.

0:25:060:25:08

It's going to be space!

0:25:080:25:10

Brian Cox is going to phone me, and ask for the film rights!

0:25:100:25:14

But what leak, what leak, what fucking leak?!

0:25:140:25:16

Anything! If I find out that anyone from here has leaked anything,

0:25:160:25:20

I will make sure they have to emigrate after this, to a country

0:25:200:25:24

where they don't speak English and there's no internet.

0:25:240:25:26

But everyone who leaked anything,

0:25:260:25:28

that would fill the fucking Caspian Sea!

0:25:280:25:30

We're just a drop in the ocean here.

0:25:300:25:32

No, no, what you are Peter, is leak zero. It started here.

0:25:320:25:36

You have presided over a shambolic showering of info. Peter Mannion.

0:25:360:25:42

"Singin' in The Rain"

0:25:420:25:44

PHONE RINGS

0:25:440:25:46

Oh, Christ. Hello, Malcolm!

0:25:460:25:47

Right, was this your idea?

0:25:470:25:49

Because I don't remember signing any suicide pact.

0:25:490:25:52

Malcolm, look. I'm as shocked about this as you are.

0:25:520:25:54

Yes, you sound really shocked, you big fucking spunk lolly.

0:25:540:25:58

I don't even know what that is.

0:25:580:25:59

But I, you know, I think we all need time to, to process this data, yep?

0:25:590:26:02

What the fuck is going on?!

0:26:020:26:04

All right, Fergus. What the fuck is going on?

0:26:040:26:06

The Ark has been opened. And your face is going to melt.

0:26:060:26:10

There's going to be an inquiry.

0:26:100:26:11

Have I just stepped through a portal into a sausage machine,

0:26:130:26:16

because this is making mince meat of my head.

0:26:160:26:19

It's the end of the world as we know it.

0:26:190:26:23

To paraphrase a popular fucking Bangles song.

0:26:250:26:28

It's... it's REM.

0:26:300:26:32

Don't start contradicting me on that kind of shit.

0:26:320:26:35

OK, Robyn, it's over to you. It's show time.

0:26:350:26:37

Let's just give it another five minutes.

0:26:370:26:40

There's still a blogger from the Huffington Post to come.

0:26:400:26:43

Is that it?

0:26:430:26:45

It looks like a paedophile's funeral.

0:26:450:26:47

It doesn't matter. We've got to get out of here ASAP.

0:26:470:26:50

Leaking is a fundamental component of our governmental system.

0:26:500:26:54

If a government can't leak, do you know what happens?

0:26:540:26:57

Dark shit builds up and then it bursts.

0:26:570:27:01

And that's something you don't want to see. You think your appendix was bad.

0:27:010:27:04

Hi, and welcome to the launch of Carer's Pass.

0:27:040:27:08

You know, we thought long and hard about how,

0:27:080:27:11

in these straitened times, we could help those

0:27:110:27:14

who don't help themselves, but rather help others.

0:27:140:27:17

Please give it up for The Carers.

0:27:170:27:19

This is the gift that's going to go on giving, believe you me. So you better keep your head down.

0:27:190:27:23

I don't mean just when you're frequenting your favourite glory holes.

0:27:230:27:26

Well, whereas your closet is completely free of skeletons isn't it, Malcolm?

0:27:260:27:30

Cos you've buried them in a landfill in Essex.

0:27:300:27:32

Oh, yeah, sorry, and just to say that we're very proud to say that

0:27:320:27:36

this, this policy has been pushed through by our party.

0:27:360:27:41

We do have a voice in this coalition, and it is being heard.

0:27:410:27:46

When this inquiry lands, you'd better have developed a very flat,

0:27:460:27:49

stony face with no expression. But that'll be easy for you.

0:27:490:27:52

It's your fucking come face, isn't it?

0:27:520:27:54

Hi, my name's Rohinka.

0:27:560:27:58

OK, when they dry up, just jump in. Do a quick Q&A and wrap it up, yeah?

0:27:580:28:02

Who am I? Fucking Kirsty Wark?

0:28:020:28:04

No.

0:28:040:28:05

..lead a normal life. So, this Carers Pass is a blessing, really.

0:28:050:28:10

I, Peter Mannion.

0:28:120:28:14

Stewart Pearson.

0:28:140:28:15

-Fergus Williams.

-Adam Kenyon.

0:28:150:28:16

Emma Florence Messinger.

0:28:160:28:17

Philip Bartholomew Cornelius Smith.

0:28:170:28:19

Teresa Jessica Coverley.

0:28:190:28:22

Robyn Murdoch.

0:28:220:28:23

-Glenn Cullen.

-Oliver Francis Reeder.

0:28:230:28:25

Nicola Alison Murray.

0:28:250:28:26

I, Malcolm Tucker, do declare that the evidence I give

0:28:260:28:29

will be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

0:28:290:28:31

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