Doctor Burger The Walshes

# You better toss a coin into the old wishing well

# You better roll the dice

# Cos after all, you can never tell

-# This could be your lucky day

-Lucky day

# But if you don't play the game

# You'll never know

# You'll never know. #

SOOTHING CHIMES

KNOCKING

-WOMAN'S VOICE:

-What's the door closed for? This door is closed.

Who's in here? Ciara?

Ma, I'm in the bath!

The door's locked! Are you all right? Ciara!

Yes, I'm all right!

BANGING

No, Ma...

Ma, please, just leave me alone!

Holy God, are you all right? Is the light broken?

-No, it's working.

-Ma, I want the light off.

Why do you want the light off when you're having a bath? You'll drown.

I won't drown, Ma. I'm not a puppy.

-I want your opinion on something.

-Oh, leave me alone.

Oh, shut up, everyone's got a bum.

-Now, taste this gravy.

-No!

-Go on.

No, Ma, I'm trying to pretend I'm in Thailand.

Does it need more hot water or more granules?

DOG WHINES

No, go away.

Not for you, not for you. Any joy there now, Martin?

-What's wrong with it, Carmel?

-Jesus, what's right with it?

Turns itself off at the drop of a hat,

keeps trying to electrocute me, makes the milk warm.

I hear conversations coming from that in the middle of the night.

-Conversations?

-Like, "Uhmamhmlmuhm!"

Sounds like a pub in there. It's just a demented fridge.

Well, how are you doing there, sexy?

-Fine.

-I was talking to Martin!

HE LAUGHS

-Very well, thanks, Tony.

-I was only messing.

-I know.

-Oh, I'm sorry, I was only messing.

-Go away. Go away from me.

-Tony, in future...

-I had a pen.

-Would you be able to maybe sweat a bit more evenly?

-Where's my pen?

It's all in the collar there. Boil wash does nothing.

You've nothing to wear tonight.

-What's tonight?

-Oh, you know what's tonight.

-That's tonight?

-Yes.

-They'll be gone by nine, though, won't they?

-I don't know.

I want a good, long, hard look at him.

TONY WINCES

-Oh, I saw that.

-It's nothing.

-Will you make a doctor's appointment?

-Doctor's appointment?

Well, that's a great idea, Carmel. Have you got 65 euros, please?

Tony, just give Dr Cusack a call.

Dr Cusack has freezing hands

and he always gets you to wait for more than an hour. Do you know why?

Cos he charges for parking.

Can't keep using that as an excuse. It's a five-minute walk.

-You try walking with this thing.

-You can't keep avoiding the issue.

I'm not, I'm picking Rory up from work.

Tony, you have to get that bottom looked at.

-Stop talking about it in front of Martin.

-Yes, Tony?

METAL CLATTERS

HORN BEEPS

-I'm locking up.

-Fair play to you.

They have you practically running that place now.

-Yeah.

-Come on, then.

THEY BOTH LAUGH

Ah, I'm only codding you, Rory. Hop in.

THEY LAUGH

That's brilliant!

-Get in if you're getting in, Rory.

-I'm trying, Da.

THEY LAUGH

What are you making gravy for anyway, Ma?

-Graham's just popping his head in. We're going out for dinner.

-I know.

SHE SIGHS

Why is this always here?

For drying the shoes. How are you?

How are the nerves? Are you going mental with them? I know I would be.

I know if my boyfriend was popping round for the first time,

I'd be going absolutely mental round about now.

Actually, I am a bit worried about the impression Graham might get.

Oh, God, yes. With those two eejits. We need to watch them like hawks.

I mean, we wouldn't want them doing anything that might show us up.

What is that up my nose?

Oh, no, I know what that is.

Oh, Da, what would you prefer, right?

Not being able to go to the toilet for the rest of your life,

or ONLY being able to go to the toilet for the rest of your life?

Oh, tough one, Rory, tough one!

Hmm... Only being able to go to the toilet the rest of my life.

-Yeah, I'd agree.

-Definitely, 100%.

-Reasons?

Well, first of all, constant relief.

-Yes.

-Never turn your nose up at constant relief.

Now, don't be engaging in any conversations with Ciara's fella,

-all right? We need them gone by nine.

-Why?

Something on the telly I want to watch. Thing about The Goose.

-The what?

-The Goose.

John Gander, crime boss, the most dangerous man in Dublin.

Oh, him. I heard about him. I heard he got shot in the face

and now his left eyeball is made of Waterford Crystal.

TONY LAUGHS

There's many a wild rumour about The Goose.

It was his right eye.

-So what do you know about this fella anyway?

-Just that eyeball thing.

-No, Ciara's fella.

-Oh, his name's Graham Gill and he's a doctor.

-How did you find that out?

-I read her texts.

Doctor? That's a step up.

-Six nuggets!

-Six nuggets!

And he's always talking about how he wants to examine her.

God Almighty! He must be rolling in it if he can do her for free.

Oh, Rory, this isn't our house.

This must be where Cindy Crawford and Pamela Anderson live.

Sorry, ladies, we'll let you get on with your day.

Dad, it's Ma and Ciara.

HE SQUEAKS

Awoogah!

All right, you two, listen up.

Eyes and ears. Ciara had something she wanted to say.

Now, Ciara, nice, big, loud voice.

Again, Ma, this is for everyone...

Everyone, do you hear that? That means you two.

When Graham's here,

if the conversation starts drifting into a dangerous area,

-I'll say something.

-What do you mean?

I'm trying to tell you, Da.

-Something like a code or...

-A code?

A safety word. I think that's what Ciara is trying to say.

Something to calm things down if it gets a bit hot and heavy.

I'll say something like, "It's been very mild recently."

That's very clever.

Because it hasn't been mild, it's actually been very close.

That will alert us something is going on.

-Hasn't been that close, Carmel.

-It has been close, Tony.

That thing on your bottom only comes out when it's close.

What's this? It's a brilliant list of rude words! Look, Da!

THEY LAUGH

No, no, no! Those are the words you're not allowed to talk about.

Me and Ciara wrote it up.

But these are all the good words.

Is this necessary? Can we not just all be ourselves?

BOTH: No!

This is exactly what we don't want - you two eejits being yourselves.

Just to say again, Ma, this is for everyone.

-Yeah, you hear that, you two?

-We've literally nothing left to say now.

Rory!

-Now, Ciara, may I add a word to that list, please?

-What?

Fart.

I hate it, I absolutely detest the word fart.

-It's on there.

-No, it isn't.

It's under snot, look.

Oh... "Crack, snot, fart." I'm very sorry, so it is. Sorry, sorry.

What'll I say instead of fart? There's only one word for fart.

-How about, don't talk about farts?

-That's hardly realistic, Ciara.

Yeah, what if they come up in conversation?

What if someone does one?!

Maybe for tonight, could we try to hold them in?

-Depends what's for dinner, Carmel.

-Come on, put in a bit of effort.

I don't know, this is just a violation of my human rights.

-Rory, it's only for...

-God!

That was our fault, now.

Right, well, that should work out fine.

Thanks, Martin.

I'll, um...

Right.

"Heh-heh, good one, Mr Walsh. Ha-ha!"

"Oh, Mrs Walsh, how are you? Oh, you look beautiful...

"You look nice. Very nice, Mrs Walsh."

DOG BARKS

Takes you back, wha?

Huh?

I was a wreck meeting Brendan and Teresa for the first time. Remember?

-Yeah, well, that was a bit different, Tony.

-How?

-Because we had to tell them I was pregnant.

-Oh, yeah.

-Oh, Tony...

-She's not pregnant.

Yeah. OK, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Tony...

Is that why we didn't spend more time at my parents house?

Because of Da chasing you down the road like that?

Nah. It's just the way it goes.

Couples end up spending all their time with one side of the family.

The best family wins.

Oh, Rory told me your man's a doctor.

Where's that pen?

Has that pen gone for a walk again, Carmel?

It's in the living room.

Ah, there it is.

HE WINCES

You watching this thing tonight, Martin?

What, your man coming over?

What?

Oh, Carmel says Ciara has someone coming over.

No. How would you watch that?

No, the thing about The Goose.

Oh, David Attenborough thing?

No, the crime boss fella.

And he's coming over?

God, no, Martin, it's on television.

-Are they upstairs?

-Who?

What is it, a hidden camera thing?

No, Martin, we've gotten our wires crossed here.

It's a television programme on television about The Goose.

He's not a bird, he's a man. A crime man, a criminal.

He's got an eye made of Waterford Crystal.

That sounds worth watching all right, Tony.

And how long has he been seeing Ciara?

DOORBELL RINGS

The door, the door! Everybody stay calm.

Let's have a bit of craic with this fella, Martin.

I wouldn't mess with people like that, Tony.

TONY LAUGHS

No, ssh!

TONY GIGGLES

Ssh! Ssh!

HE CACKLES

Ssh! Ssh!

Hello, Mr Walsh.

I'm Graham. I'm Ciara's...friend.

-Ah, Graham, come on in.

-Thank you.

-Come on in there, you're very welcome.

-Thank you. Hello.

I'm Tony, Ciara's da.

And this is my life partner Martin, Ciara's other da.

Oh. Hello.

Ciara told you we were a pair of those, didn't she?

She didn't mention that, no.

Yes, I love Martin with all my heart.

Thanks very much, Tony.

You don't have a problem with gay stuff, do you, Graham?

-No.

-Good.

Martin, why don't you tell Graham how we first met?

I live down the road, and I came round to borrow...

I can't remember what it was.

We got talking, and then Tony found out I was very good with my hands.

And it just took off from there.

Oh, it was a whisk.

That's right. And he whisked me off my feet.

Come here, gorgeous!

Tony, will you stop that!

-I'm only messing!

-Stop!

Well, now, you must be Graham.

Oh, hello, Mrs Walsh.

You look...ravishing.

One tries her best.

These are for you.

Well, now, aren't you the gentleman?

Tony. God, and you're good looking, aren't you?

Do you know who you remind me of? A young Liam Neeson.

But with a much, much higher hairline.

God, look, what's left of the hair, it's just so fine.

God, you can barely feel that, it's so fine.

Tony, that is softer than it looks. Feel that.

I won't. Martin?

-It is very soft, actually.

-Gorgeous.

-It really is.

Thanks for that.

Well, better be hitting the road.

Tony, she's not responding to me at all.

-You wouldn't go up and give it a go?

-I'll give it a go, but no promises.

THEY LAUGH AWKWARDLY

-Ciara is just a little bit under the weather.

-Oh.

She's fine, she'll be down in a second. OK.

Just a word of warning, though.

Ciara can be a little tricky when it comes to her monthly visitor.

She's fine during, it's just,

-the three-week lead-up can be a bit tense.

-Oh.

-Dunno, I think I might have made her worse.

-For God's sake!

Yep.

Suppose you'll want a tour of the house, then.

Oh, um...

-Yeah?

-Yeah...

-Yeah.

-Eh...radiator there.

-Right.

Phone.

HE LAUGHS

GRAHAM FORCES A LAUGH

-Yeah.

-Ah...

Hey. There's a picture of my old ancestors back in the Wild West.

Oh...

-Only messing! It's us! In a shopping centre! Years ago!

-Oh.

Look at Rory! He loved it.

Kept begging us to bring him back.

Gave in eventually.

SOFT MUSIC PLAYS

-Is that what you're wearing?

-Jesus!

Jacks there. In case you need the "Oh, Jesus!"

Hey. Master bedroom! Hup!

Try that.

No, get on.

Oh, no, I'm OK, Mr Walsh.

-Go on.

-No, I'd better not. My jacket's probably a bit grubby.

Then take it off.

OK.

Go on.

Lie down.

-It's very nice.

-Soft, isn't it?

Oh, yeah, it's very soft.

You see, Carmel likes her side of the bed to be soft,

but I like my side of the bed to be hard,

so we bought two mattresses,

chopped them in half and stuck them together.

Soft, hard.

Soft, hard. Soft, hard.

Soft, hard.

You don't believe me, do you?

-Oh, no, I do. I do believe you.

-Try my side.

-No, I'm OK.

-Go on, switch. Go on.

Come on, then. Roly-poly now.

Whoops-a-daisy. There we are.

Now...

Heh. Yeah.

-See?

-This is actually a bit harder, isn't it?

-Yeah.

Ciara's room. She likes to pretend she doesn't live with us,

so just stuck a flat number on her door, leave the post outside.

Seems to do the job. Yeah.

Oh, did you bring your gas mask with you?

Because it's time to put them on. We're going in!

HE MAKES HEAVY BREATHING SOUNDS

HE LAUGHS

-I didn't know Ciara had a younger brother.

-She doesn't.

I'm 25.

Oh. Hello.

-Is this him?

-Yeah. I'll see what's keeping the girls.

What do you think of me space?

Oh, yeah, it's very nice.

Are you going out with Ciara?

Um, I suppose so.

Well, don't mess her about.

Cos the last fella that messed her about, let's just say...

..he's not around any more.

What happened to him?

His dad got a job in Cork and the whole family moved.

It's a pity cos he was actually pretty sound.

Da, get out!

OK.

Ma, I can't wear mustard. It makes me look like Big Bird.

But the Big Bird problem is what we're trying to address here, Ciara.

I'm telling you if you wear my mustard blouse

it'll make you look less chunky.

They'll be ages.

Which is good news for us, because I saved the best till last.

Now, Graham, you're about to enter the inner sanctum.

Will Ciara be coming down soon?

Ah-bu-bu-buh. No girls allowed.

-We are entering boy zone.

-Yeah!

"From Xanadu did Peter Pan a pleasure dome erect."

Oscar Wilde.

Pow! Cheeky beer? Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Give us an energy drink, Da.

Energy drink for Rory! There we go!

-Beer!

-Hey!

Beer! All right!

Ha-ha, yeah! That's what I'm talking about!

ALL: Yeah!

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Here, see that unit, Graham? Guess how much I paid for that.

Oh, I don't know.

Fif...

For...

-Try zero.

-Oh.

-Try zero, Graham.

-Oh, wow.

Cobbled together from some shite I found in a skip, literally.

Da is amazing at DIY.

He built me a chill-out zone in the back garden.

It's up a tree, right, so I can read magazines and watch the sunset.

Like a treehouse?

No!

Oh... Are those lungs, Mr Walsh?

Lungs? They're my old boxing gloves.

-Did you use to box?

-Yeah. So you'd better watch yourself.

-Ow!

-Jesus, sorry, Graham.

Da, you're after punching him in the face!

-He moved into the impact zone. That's what happened.

-Sorry.

But you're all right.

-Yeah, yeah, I'm all right.

-OK.

Rory, I was hoping to have a quiet word with Graham.

You wouldn't mind just...

-Can I listen?

-No.

-Oh, please, Da.

Tell you what, will you do us a favour?

Will you run in to your mother and ask for the long stand?

-Oh, no, Da, she never knows where that is.

-She does, just ask her.

She's always ages looking for it and then she can never find it.

I'm starting to think we don't even have one.

Good lad.

Well, here we are.

Yes...

Graham, this is a bit embarrassing.

Yes?

I have a small...

I don't know what you'd call it.

An anal event?

Uh... Sorry, sorry... A what?

It's like a rubbery M&M directly behind me scrotum.

Yeah... Uh...

Now, I'm a bit strapped for cash at the moment,

so I can't afford to pay you.

For...for-for-for what?

Well, you know.

I really...really don't.

I just want you to take a look at it.

Light isn't that ideal, so let's just make the best of it.

Here we go! Yeah!

Ciara!

Ciara!

Will you slow down, lads? The food's not running away anywhere.

You had to spring this roast on us, Carmel.

You know there's a thing on I want to watch.

DOOR OPENS

-CIARA:

-I thought we were going for dinner?

-We are.

-What are you eating for?

-I don't...know.

Graham, what happened to your face?

Oh! Oh, nothing. I, er...

walked into a door.

Are you enjoying that, now, Graham?

Is that up your street? Is that ticking your box?

Erm...yes.

Because this is just the start.

I mean, I can make roasts, I can make cakes,

I can make a savage fruit salad.

I can do things for you, Graham. I can blow your mind.

-It's very mild recently, hasn't it, Mam?

-Are you mad?

It's been awful close. I know I can make you happy, Graham.

Just give me a chance.

Just stop talking, Ma, stop talking the whole time.

Get down, you.

Why do you always come up when we have guests over?

He wants me to stroke him - that's hardly appropriate.

I'm not touching your head, not at the dinner table.

-Any gravy there, Carmel?

-Chicken's a bit dry, Ma.

Yeah, there's some there beside Graham.

Oh...

You... You mean this?

Did you use it all?

I-I thought it was a...drink.

-A drink?

-Thought it was a beef...drink.

A beef drink. Is there even such a thing as a beef drink?

Never seen gravy in a mug before.

-But did you like it?

-Right.

Well, I'm going to my room,

so when you're finished dinner maybe we can go for dinner.

So, Graham, how's work going?

Oh, erm, yeah, OK. Bit stressful at the moment, though.

-Long hours.

-Aw, you poor thing. It's not all glamour, is it?

Do you have to work late often?

Mostly, yeah, and night shifts are the worst. Get a lot of drunks in.

Gotcha. I know how that one goes, yeah.

They go out, get boozed off their boxes, start a rumpus,

-then it's over to you lot to get fixed up, isn't that it?

-Yeah.

Oh, God, I just think you do such important work. Yeah.

I just want to take this opportunity to say thank you.

People don't say it often enough to you guys.

Oh, er, no.

Well, I suppose it is sort of important work, yeah.

Thank you, Mrs Walsh. Really appreciate that.

Yeah, taxi game's the exact same.

Nothing but boozed up eejits wandering out onto the roads

at the weekend. To be honest with you, Graham,

-getting a little bit tired of hitting the brakes.

-Tony!

Ah, don't worry, Carmel,

if I clip anyone Graham here can patch them up.

Do you think I'm a...doctor?

What?

Do you think I'm a doctor?

Yeah. Aren't you?

I work in a burger restaurant.

As a doctor?

I better go check on Her Majesty. I'm sorry, I'll be back.

I never would have shown it to you if I'd known you weren't qualified.

Have you no qualifications at all?

-I studied English.

-English?

Let's just forget about it.

I don't want to think about it or talk about it ever again.

-Starting from now.

-RORY:

-Talk about what?

-I showed him that thing on me arse.

-Why?

Well, I thought he was... I don't want to talk about it, Rory!

-Eh, films! You see any films at the shop?

-I saw the Fast And Furious.

It's not very fast but it's fairly furious.

That sounds good.

-Rory works at Future Video.

-Future Video?

Yeah, he's practically running the place.

Future Video...closed. Closed months ago.

-What?

-Yeah, it went under. The...

-Nah, nah.

Cos I've been collecting him from work.

Oh, for Jesus' sake!

KNOCK ON DOOR

-CARMEL:

-Ciara?

Ciara, you all right? Can I come in?

SHE SIGHS

You're just going to, anyway.

Yeah, but we'll leave the chain on, OK?

Mam, this isn't working.

None of this is working. I need my own home, I...

I need my own flat, my own space.

I just... I can't breathe here.

But you haven't got a job, love. You need a job.

I just wanted everything to be perfect.

Ah, Ciara, nothing's ever perfect.

I think Da punched Graham in the face.

Yeah, and I think he also showed him the anal event but, look,

that's not the point. OK, the point is, that lad is still downstairs.

It does not surprise me one bit.

Because I've been lucky enough now to know you for 23 years, so...

I know what I say.

You're the most wonderful girl in the world, all right?

And any lad with half a brain...

would happily sit through a hundred million billion awkward,

uncomfortable, occasionally violent,

evenings like this evening...

..just to get to spend a bit of time with you, OK?

DOOR UNLOCKS

Oh!

Oh.

Why didn't you just tell us, Rory?

-I don't know...

-I've been collecting you for over a month.

You know...you're always going on about scroungers and layabouts

and...

Just didn't want to let you down, you know?

Rory, you could never let me down.

-Don't be listening to me, anyway, I'm just an eejit.

-No, you're not.

I am.

Sure after showing Professor Burger here the thing on me arsehole.

I just like shouting at the radio.

So, what have you been doing the last few weeks, anyway?

Practising me high kicks.

Least you haven't been wasting your time.

DOG GROWLS

Hey!

What have you got? Give me that, you.

Give me that!

These yours?

Well, Graham, I'm afraid that's us.

-Warts and all.

-Carmel.

-Shut up about warts.

-OK, sorry.

-One minute, the Goose is on in one minute!

-Come on, come on, leave!

Look, I hope you come back.

But, you know, if you prefer to spend most of your time

-with Graham's mam and dad, well, you know I'd understand.

-30 seconds!

Well, actually, Mrs Walsh, my mam passed away and...

Yeah, terrible, sad.

-.. Dad now lives in France...

-That's awful.

-..with his new wife.

Anyway, anyway.

We...don't really get on.

That is absolutely fantastic!

-Oh!

-OK, OK, Mam!

OK, Mam, don't make me get the hose now.

Sorry. Look, go on, have your dinner.

And we'll see you later, OK?

Have a good time, guys. Enjoy.

It's time for the Goose!

BOTH: The most dangerous man in Dublin!

-What's wrong with it? It's not working!

-Why?

-I don't know!

Press "Source" and it'll cycle on to the channels.

-Ah, thanks, Martin.

-Cheers, Martin.

Well, I better be off.

TV: 'The term "goose" applies to the female in particular.

'while the "gander" applies to the male.'

Dad, this is about gooses.

Are they for me?

Oh.

They were.

Sorry.

What are you sorry for? They're perfect.

-Could've went an awful lot worse.

-Yeah.

Yeah, I kinda feel like I've got a rapport

with your dad now, maybe, hopefully.

I think it's good to get that sort of stuff out of the way early on...

THEIR VOICES FADE