Family Night The Walshes

This programme contains some strong language.

# You'd better toss a coin into the old wishing well

# You'd better roll the dice

# Cos after all, you can never tell

# This could be your lucky day

# But if you don't play the game you'll never know

# You'll never know. #

SIREN WAILS

DOOR RATTLES

Well...

So, all the mod-cons.

Heating's actually free, comes on from the laundrette downstairs.

Erm...

Space is completely optimised -

everything's got two to three uses, very Scandinavian.

Fantastic location, equidistant between two really great chippers.

I'm here.

As you can see, the ceiling goes all the way across.

As does the floor.

-Good, solid floor.

-Oh, erm...

A handshake is all I require.

We shook hands, though.

Don't be worrying. Let's go downstairs.

I don't do leases or anything...

We also shook hands.

ON RADIO: 'Hello? Dispatch, anyone there?

'Will you call me father and tell him I'm outside?!

'Is that Tony again?

'Is it Rory?!

'Rory, will you wake up?!'

MULTIPLE VOICES SHOUT ON RADIO

Rory, can you give me a hand with these boxes, please?

Yeah, no bother.

I lifted ten boxes that were bigger than these last summer.

You're a big brute of a man, aren't you?!

Yeah, I'm real strong. Strongest out of all me mates.

What did I ever do without you, Rory?

Probably just left boxes on the ground.

Your girlfriend must have you lifting things all day long for her.

Don't have a girlfriend.

-How are you?!

-Hi, Dad.

How are you getting on? She's not riding you too hard, is she?

No, she's not riding me at all.

Not yet, anyways.

DOOR CLOSES

No girlfriend? A big, handsome lad like you?

Yeah, I'm mostly just focusing on me Call Of Duty right now.

Ah. Is that one of them video game things?

Yeah.

Do you game?

Me? No... No.

I wouldn't mind playing with you sometime, Rory.

Fair enough, but just so you know, I'm not going to go easy on you.

When I play Call Of Duty, we play for keeps.

SHE CHUCKLES

Let the record show that this Walsh family meeting...

is in session.

HE LAUGHS

-Do we have to do this like this?

-Do what like what?

Judge Judy here.

Eh, strike that from the record, please.

There is no record.

Eh, what am I doing?

Probably drawing something stupid.

Actually, Ciara, I'm not, actually.

-I'm doing the agenda.

-Show us, then.

No.

Shut up, Ciara, you called this meeting.

I didn't CALL a meeting,

I just wanted to talk to yous like normal people.

What's on your mind, love?

-It's just...

-Wha-bup-bup-bup!

Hold your horses!

Now, Rory, what's the first item on the agenda?

It's Ciara's announcement.

Now, who would be Ciara? Is there a Ciara here?

-Fuck off, you!

-Whoa, whoa, whoa! Time out! Time out!

-I don't need to tell you to strike that.

-Way ahead of you, Dad.

I will stand for any number of things,

but I will not have language, not in this house!

I do not want any cocks or wangers going into my ears,

thank you very much.

-Ciara, you may take the floor.

-Thanks. Thanks, Dad.

-Graham's...

-Ciara Walsh has the floor!

Graham's been evicted from his flat.

Oh, no! Why?

His landlord's a chancer, and you know what Graham's like.

-A gentle gentleman - that's how I'd put it.

-Right.

Well, the point is, he's got nowhere to live.

Yes?

So...I've asked him...

-Yes?

-..to move in.

Move in where?

In here.

In here?

Yeah.

In this house?

Yeah.

But where would he sleep?

In my room.

Where would you sleep?

In my room too?

What, on the floor?

No, in my bed.

And put him on the floor?

You can't be doing that.

No...

He'll sleep in my bed, and I'll sleep in my bed too.

With him.

Oh, fuck off, you!

Ma, you said I could do my own thing,

treat this place like a flat - that's what you said.

Those were your exact words.

What?

HE LAUGHS

What is up with you?

What's wrong with you?

I'll be back in a second.

-Ma, are you all right?

-I'm fine. I'll just be one second.

Excuse me, everyone.

SHE SOBS AND WHIMPERS

Cup of tea! That's what we all need.

Who wants a cup of tea?

Ahh!

I held the kettle by the hot part!

What did I do that for?

Cup of tea?

Jesus Christ.

That's fine.

That's completely fine. I am so cool with it.

It is so cool, I am so chill, it is so fine.

It's completely...

Completely fine.

-Are you sure?

-Of course I'm sure!

I'm fine. That's fine. Everything is absolutely wonderful.

Look at the state of these curtains.

I'm just going to spot-clean these curtains.

-Would you like a cup of tea?

-I would love a cup of tea. Anyone else?

I'm making it.

I can't, I'm after burning me hands.

OK, well, you clean the curtains and I'll make the tea.

Yes. Yes.

What is wrong with you all?

Sss...

Sex.

# I need something to do

# I think I'll read a paper or two. #

-Jesus! Carmel, what are you doing?

-Nothing. I'm just sitting.

-None of your business. Go away.

-What's up with you?

-Are you OK with this?

-With what?

"With what?" he says. With fecking NATO!

With your man moving in - Russell Brand.

He's hardly Russell Brand! What happened to gentle gentleman?

What do we really know about him, Tony?

We've only just met him. For all we know,

he could be a drugs mule or a text pervert.

DOOR OPENS

-Toilet meeting?

-What?

-Are yous having a toilet meeting?

No. What's a toilet meeting? Get out, Rory.

And that's another thing - what effect will this have on Rory?

He doesn't have the mental wherewithal

to get his head around this.

It's a whole new world we're entering into, Tony.

You washing up?

Nah, just messing.

Not much going on today, is there?

CLOTH SQUEAKS

No...

Boring!

Yeah!

I know something we could do to entertain ourselves.

SQUEAKING GETS FASTER

Yeah?

SQUEAKING STOPS

-ON RADIO:

-'..Tony. Tony Walsh.

'What did you call me for, Digsy?

'I didn't call you, you called me.

'No, you called me. I got a hail here and picked up.

'You're taking the mick now, Tony, taking the mick!

'Hello, this is Mick...'

-RADIO SQUEALS

-'Mick?

-Oh, bejesus...'

THEY LAUGH

That was amazing!

You're even better at pranks than Da is.

You're a really sound girl.

You're actually the soundest girl I ever met.

Whoo!

Much as I'd love to,

we can't keep snogging here like a couple of teenagers.

Yeah. We're not teenagers.

Come round to my place tonight, I'll cook you dinner

and we can pick up where we left off.

What's for dinner? Oh, it doesn't matter, Rory!

Hello, Graham. Welcome.

Hello, Mrs Walsh.

Thank you so much for letting me stay over.

It's very, very, very kind of you.

Kind? No, not at all! It's normal, that's what it is.

Kind doesn't even come into it, it's just a normal thing,

happening right in front of my eyes.

No-one help me at all, I'm fine.

In fact, we couldn't be happier having you staying here...

in my home, with my little girl...

..who I held in my arms...

All right, I'd better help with the rest of the boxes,

but I'd love to cook you a dinner tonight

as a way of saying thank you.

There's about 20 more of these.

-Don't throw that out, will you?

-What, the paper?

Not the paper, the bubble wrap - I'm going to pop it.

What have you go in these? Rocks?

Are you having a rock concert?

No, it's just me books.

Oh, that one's full of books?

They all are.

All of them?

Yeah.

What are they all about?

You know, different things.

Right. Right.

Take this with you now, if you want it, Tony.

-What?

-The bubble wrap.

I didn't ask you for that.

You just said you wanted to pop them.

-I said no such thing.

-Am I going mad?

I thought you just said you wanted to pop the bubbles.

Pop the bubbles...

No, no. I asked for the paper. Yes, the business section.

Merkel!

Unbelievable.

Right, these boxes won't shift themselves.

HE HUMS AND SINGS

HUMMING CONTINUES

HE LAUGHS

Look out, Mrs Brown!

HE LAUGHS

Hello.

-Hi, Graham.

-What are you watching?

This thing, about...

The wars.

Streets.

Houses?

Dublin. Dublin.

-ON TV:

-'It was here on the streets of Dublin that Joyce...'

-Joyce, huh?

-Yeah.

James Joyce.

Some writer, huh?

Huh. Have you read him?

Oh...

Just the basics.

Portrait?

Sorry?

Portrait.

Ah...

Oh, no...

I wouldn't know what he looks like.

No, have you read Portrait?

Oh! Of course! Yes.

Portrait.

Yes.

No, well, I wouldn't know that now as well as it...

You know, I read the big one.

The famous one. The one everyone knows.

-Ulysses.

-That's the one, yeah.

Really?

You read Ulysses?

Yeah...

I found it very tough going, I have to say.

Ah, well, it's not for everyone.

Oh, what did you think of that section at the start at the

Martello tower, Haines and Buck and Stephen are all having breakfast?

I just found it a bit congested, you know?

Eh...

-Well... You know.

-How are yous?

Oh, hi, Rory. What's that? You want to have a chat? Absolutely. Let's go!

Rory, I really don't want to start the old toilet meetings.

Da, you know women?

-Yeah.

-Eh...

H-H-H-How are they...?

How are they...? How are they...?

W-W-W-W-Wha...

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

There's a young filly on the scene, isn't there?

Yes. Sort of.

Look, there's only one thing you need to know about women -

respect.

Always respect women.

-You know James Bond?

-Yeah.

-Don't be like him.

-Right.

-Got it?

-Got it.

-Good.

DOOR OPENS

Oh, excuse me.

Sorry, Martin, we're finished in here.

-Was it a toilet meeting?

-Yeah.

-No! Where did this come from,

that there's such a thing as toilet meetings?

You shouldn't be using it at the same time.

-We're not using it at the same time.

-You'll break it.

No...

Look, Martin, what are you doing?

Carmel asked me to take the lock off Ciara's door.

Listen, Martin...

Thanks, Dad, that was brilliant. See you, Martin.

No worries.

Listen, Martin, you wouldn't do us a favour?

You wouldn't have a book I could borrow?

What sort of book?

I don't know, anything. Something. Just...

something grown up, you know.

All right. I might have something at home.

-I'll get it later.

-Good man. Thanks.

I best go check on them, he doesn't know my oven.

It's hardly the Higgs boson accelerator,

Carmel, I'm sure he's fine.

Ma, you can put plastic in that oven, can't you?

-Holy God!

-Joking!

Now, this is Graham's speciality.

Hope yous like it.

Nothing too fancy, I hope. We're not exactly foodies in this house.

Speak for yourself, Carmel!

Ha-ha - you a foodie?

If one part of his plate isn't chips, he looks like he's going to cry.

Don't worry, Mrs Walsh, it's fairly straightforward.

Am I going crazy, or is Da reading Fifty Shades Of Grey?

Eh...yes, he is.

PHONE BEEPS

Uh...

What's wrong?

It's me landlord.

He says I didn't drop the keys in, but I did.

Now he wants to charge me 250 euro.

Chancer. Well, don't worry,, he doesn't have your address.

Oh, Graham!

He asked me for it, and I didn't want to be rude.

What are you reading a mucky book for?

-What?

-That's a mucky book.

Have you gone sex mad now an' all?

Graham, I don't mean to be rude, but what is that?

Erm, it's seafood risotto.

Yeah, Carmel. Have you never had seafood risotto before?

Pff! "What is it?" she says!

OK, Jamie Holiver,

you tell me, what's a seafood risotto?

Well, it's a...

It's a...sort of a fish porridge.

Oh, it's gross!

So, what's the plan for you two tonight?

Nothing, really. Might go to bed, we're pretty tired.

Yeah, it's been quite a day.

Could do with an early night, actually.

-Yeah, I bet you could.

-Sorry?

Don't forget, it's family night.

-It's what?

-Family night.

Family night? We don't have family night.

What are you on about?! Of course we do!

Graham, you'd be on for family night, wouldn't you?

In general, everyone who lives here tends to join in.

I can't.

What? Why?

Oh, eh...I'm going to Bertie's.

Oh, God, that eejit.

Well, if you'd prefer to have a belching competition

than spend time with your own family...

What happens during family night?

I don't know cos it doesn't exist.

-We play board games as a family.

-Since when?

-Shut up, Ciara, we're starting it.

-We want to go to bed.

No, Ciara, it's OK. I'm not that tired.

Family night sound great.

Good. Well, that's settled, then.

Now back to the task at hand of eating all this seafood risotto.

So what do we have here? Monopoly?

No. Too mean-spirited.

That's the real world, love.

This one might be right up your alley, Mr Walsh.

What's that one, Graham?

It's a quiz game, sort of general knowledge type of thing.

Lots of different categories, so we can really flex our brains.

-OK, that'll do.

-Ah... I don't know, Carmel.

We have to play something, Tony.

Do we, though?

The only trouble is that it takes a really, really long time to play.

OK, we're definitely playing that, then.

As much as I'd love the opportunity to flex my brain,

is there absolutely nothing else we could play?

No! No! We're playing the one that takes ages.

How did Rory get out of this?!

SWING JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS

Oh...

Erm...

Ah...

Eh...

Erm...

Stalingrad.

No. Leningrad.

Ah! Close!

No points for close, Graham!

My turn.

Now, Ciara, nice big, loud voice.

-Do you want to ask the question?

-No, no. You do it. Go on.

What country is Belgrade

the capital city of?

-I know this.

-So do I!

I just need to...

Belgrade, you know.

Belgrade...

What country is Belgrade the capital city of?

Belgrade, eh?

COMPUTER WHIRS

It's on the tip of me tongue but I just can't say it.

Oh, hurry up, Da.

Yeah, I know...

-PHONE BEEPS

-Oh...

Just Martin texting to say good night.

Aw. Text him good night from me, Tony.

Yeah. So, Belgrade...

Would it be Yugoslavia, by any chance?

-No!

-What?

-No.

-What do you mean, no?

-It's the wrong answer.

-No, no. Check it again.

-It must be right.

-The answer's Serbia.

There hasn't been a Yugoslavia in ages, Mr Walsh, it broke up.

Oh!

Oh!

Yeah, I know what happened.

I personally don't recognise the breakup of Yugoslavia.

That's what happened there.

More coffee, everyone!?

SWING JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS

SWING JAZZ MUSIC CONTINUES

Well, that was mad craic! Congrats, Graham!

Yeah, the best man won.

What were you on your phone all night for, anyway, Da?

Checking the answers on Google?

Google!

Here, how's about a singsong?

Or we could go for a drive?

No, I'm tired and I'm going to bed.

I'm sorry. Thanks for family night and all that, but that's me done.

-You coming, Graham?

-Oh, right-oh.

Thank you very much, Mr and Mrs Walsh, for the game.

We had a really great time.

See yous both tomorrow.

That was awful!

-Listen...

-Yugoslavia!

-It's about to kick off.

-Fecking Martin, with his...

What do you mean, it's about to kick off?

Just back me up, OK?

-What?

-Mam!

Just back me up. Just back me up.

Carmel, what have you done?

Ssh!

Where is it?

-What?

-Where is it?

-Where's what?

-You know what.

Ciara, I honestly don't know...

Where's the bed?

I don't know what you're talking about, "Where's the bed?"

The bed.

My bed is gone.

Your bed has gone?

How could your bed be gone?

-I don't know!

-Well, where's the last place you saw it?

You! You hid it! You hid the bed!

That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard in all my life.

I knew you would do something like this.

Ah, Carmel, where did you hide the bed?

I don't have to sit here and listen to these accusations.

This is not fair.

You told me you were OK with all this.

You said it was fine, that I could do my own thing.

You said...

I don't care what I said!

I'm not ready, all right?

I'm not ready to make that step.

It's too soon.

Maybe some mothers are able to do things like that, but not me.

I was raised different.

I'm sorry, Graham.

It's just moving a bit too fast.

Mam, it's fine, Graham doesn't have to sleep in with me.

Really?

Of course not. We don't want to do anything to upset yous.

This is your house. Just happy to be here.

Never had a family night before.

As I said, neither have we, but...

Mam, please, where is the bed?

The mattress is under my mattress

and the posts are in different places.

I'll go and get it.

KNOCK ON DOOR

-What?

-Is Graham Gill there?

Bit of business with him.

Graham!

Graham, did you find those keys yet?

I did post them through the letter box, Mr O'Leary.

Well, I haven't found them,

so I'm afraid you're liable for the full 250.

How's it going there? Tony Walsh, Mr Gill's solicitor.

-Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?

-Solicitor?

I assume, first of all, that you gave my client here

the standard 14-day notice prior to eviction.

-Wha... No.

-Oh dear, oh dear.

Would I be right in saying that my client here was awoken one

morning by your very good self offering a tour of the premises?

No, that couldn't be right! Sure, that's trespassing.

Well, you see...

This seems to be a bit of a problem, doesn't it?

What are we going to do about this, Mr O'Leary?

What's this?

Graham's landlord. He's trying to charge him for the keys.

Look, it's a misunderstanding, that's all.

No, calm down, calm down. No-one's in any trouble yet.

In fact, I'll give him his old flat back.

-And that wouldn't be a problem?

-No problem at all, Mr Walsh.

Graham, do you want your old flat back?

Really?

Suppose so.

Get out the way.

Graham's with us now, so piss off, asshole.

-Now...

-Are you sure, Mrs Walsh?

No, but you're...

Feck it.

Where's Ron Jeremy going to sleep?

I could sleep on the couch, maybe.

No, not the couch, that's the dog's, but we'll find somewhere for you.

Job done. I'm off to bed.

Oh, Graham, just one more thing - I've never finished a book.

Night, then.

SWING JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS

PANICKED VOICES

What are you doing here?

Your mum said I could bunk in with you. I hope that's OK.

What, like a sleepover?

Erm...

Yeah, I suppose so.

Rapid!

Haven't had a sleepover in ages.

What's your favourite pizza topping?

Oh. Erm...

I quite like prosciutto and maybe some olives, some capers

and some sun-blushed tomatoes.

Ugh... What are you talking about? I'm talking about pizza.

That is a pizza. You can get anything you want on a pizza.

It's really nice.

I usually get double pepperoni and double cheese.

-That sounds pretty good as well.

-Yeah, it's lovely.

Have you ever had anchovies on your pizza?

POPPING

-Tony.

-Hm?

Put that bubble wrap away.

You're up.