Limbo The Walshes

# You'd better toss a coin

# Into the old wishing well

# You'd better roll the dice

# Cos after all, you can never tell

# This could be your lucky day (Lucky day)

# But if you don't play the game

# You'll never know

# You'll never know. #

-Rory, would you come on?

-Ma, I have it here for you, OK?

-Great stuff. Thanks, Ciara. Thanks, love.

-Do you have my nice bag?

-Rory, hurry up, will you?

-Are yous waiting?

-Yes!

-I have something for you.

-Tony, will you put the dog in the kitchen.

And there we go.

HE LAUGHS

THEY BOTH LAUGH

It's perfect!

Now this means you're the king of the dinner.

It's a family tradition. Different one of us every time.

And this time, it's you!

-Oh, right. For Jaysus sake! Rory?

-I'm coming!

-Useless, would you get in the kitchen.

-Oh, lovely, Graham.

-Did you bring a hat for all of us?

-What? Oh, eh, no.

Oh, well as long as you brought one for yourself.

-Where are yous off to, Carmel?

-The Thai Bride, Martin.

-Oh, lovely.

-Yeah.

-Oh, eh, where's Martin?

Oh, he's in the wall there, looking for the source of that smell.

-Are you in the whole wall, Martin?

-I think so.

-Oh, that smell is driving me mad.

-I'm used to it.

-I like it.

-Are you off your rocker?

-What?

-You're not going to make a show of us in that get-up.

You look like you're going to steal a horse and swap it for heroin.

-Get back up those stairs, put something decent on.

-Oh!

-Jesus!

-It's like this every time we go out.

-What's the occasion?

-Hm?

Why are we going out for dinner?

I can't tell you, it's actually too stupid.

-Any luck yet, Martin?

-The only thing I can say for sure, Carmel,

is that it's not - NOT coming from inside the wall.

OK, well, that's...something, I suppose.

I'm surprised that anyone can actually fit in those of, eh, walls.

It's a bit tight.

And you know me, Tony, I have terrible claustrophobia.

Oh, oh, oh...

Well, it's not as bad as it could be, because there's no insulation.

Don't believe in insulation, Martin, it's a scam,

made up by the government to steal money off the working man.

Just like VAT and stamps.

Here, you're going to love this place, Graham.

-Do you know that country Thailand?

-Yeah...

-The food's from there!

-Right.

And is it really called The Thai Bride?

Uh, it's the most authentic Thai food I think I have ever had.

But they'll do you a burger if you want one.

-And what's the occasion?

-Did Ciara not tell you?

-No.

15 years ago myself and Carmel were just walking past The Thai Bride...

-Just walking past!

-And we thought, "Let's just go in and have dinner."

-Just like that!

-Just like that!

We didn't even plan it, we just did it, totally spontaneous.

So now, every year, we go back to The Thai Bride on the same day

and have dinner. It's a sort of a...

BOTH: ..celebration of spontaneity.

Yeah, it's like a celebration of that mad spirit us Walshes have.

-And do yous ever go anywhere else?

-Oh, God, no.

It has to be The Thai Bride.

Oh, Graham, wait till you meet Lee, he's our waiter, oh, he is such fun.

He is such jizzy craic, he is just jizz personified now.

Yeah, and his name isn't even Lee.

Oh, God, no, you'd be all day trying to say his real name.

Oh, Graham, wait till you meet him, he'll have you in stitches.

-He does an impersonation of the chef, sort of like...

-Mam!

I swear to God... do not finish that impression.

You're right, I wouldn't do it justice.

You'll have to see it for yourself.

-What is the hat for?

-I'm...king of the dinner.

-You're wha?!

-Now, remember, this meal is on me...

BOTH: ..your money's no good tonight.

-Eight. That's eight times.

-He did two when you were upstairs.

-Ten!

-No, no, my treat, don't mind.

-This is for your benefit.

Oh, it's very kind of you, Mr Walsh, thank you very much.

Have a good long look at that menu, Graham,

and decide what you want before we get there.

I know exactly what I'm getting.

"Carmel fried rice" Lee calls it, he says...

-MA!

-She's right, I wouldn't do it any justice.

Choose whatever you like.

Although I will say, the early bird half-price special is...mwah!

-There we go.

-No, no, they save all the best stuff for the early birds.

But order whatever you want, it's on me, your money's no good tonight.

CARMEL: 11!

We want to get a wriggle on if

we're going to make this early bird everyone's so keen on.

Rory, will you hurry up!

-Ah, for Jesus' sake, Rory!

-What in God's name is that?

-What?

What are you wearing?

-Is it no good?

-No, it's no good.

-Where did you get it?

-I found it.

You found it? You found a suit?

Ah, Rory, don't be wearing suits you found.

Back upstairs, Boardwalk Empire, get it off you.

HE SIGHS

-Tony.

-Huh?

-Don't be at it.

-I'm not "at it."

Anything in the post this morning, or...?

-Nothing yet, no.

-Mm? No news is good news.

Tony had a biopsy done on his...well, you know.

The little fella that took up residence

around the...Rose of Tralee.

His anal companion, shall we say.

I got a bit worried there when it changed colour,

what colour was it when you saw it, Graham?

I dunno, erm...

-..greyish, I suppose.

-Grey? Wasn't grey, no, no, no, it was red.

In fact, I found the exact shade of red it was,

I have it here on a Dulux chart.

Eh, can we stop talking about this please?

Carmen Miranda.

-Oh.

-But then it went sort of a...Summer Blush.

It wasn't Summer Blush.

-It was African Adventure if it was anything.

-How do you know?

-I had a look.

-How?

-How'd you think? With a mirror.

-Which mirror?

The white one beside the bed.

My mother gave me that mirror, Tony.

I like to pretend that she's looking at me through it.

Oh, my God!

HE LAUGHS

Oh, I'll have to boil it now or something.

-Ah, you won't, I only used it to look.

-Oh, me poor mother.

Expecting to see me and instead getting an African Adventure.

-What are you doing?

-Putting on the telly.

-Don't be putting on the telly!

-Why not?

-Cos we're going out.

-But we're not, we're just sitting here.

-That's a staying in thing.

You can't be doing a staying in thing when we're going out.

-But we're not going out.

-We are, we just...

What if one of the neighbours sees us?

They'll think we get dressed up to watch the television.

We'll be the talk of the close.

No, we're not doing anything, we're sitting here and waiting.

Until we can go out and enjoy our celebration of spontaneity.

Rory, are you nearly ready? Ah, Rory!

-Wha?

-Would you come on and get dressed? We're waiting for you.

Oh, yeah, OK.

Oh, God, me poor mother.

You don't want that as part of your eternal reward, do you?

No, no, you don't.

What do you think happens to us when we die, Graham?

Well, actually, Mrs Walsh, I don't think anything happens.

What'd you mean?

-I think it just...stops.

-It just stops?

-Yeah.

What, you die and that's it?

-Yeah.

-Well, that's something to look forward to - I don't think.

Ma thinks when you die that's when it all starts happening,

-don't you, Ma?

-Too right I do, I can't wait to die!

-Imagine not looking forward to dying. I feel sorry for you.

-Ma!

-You don't agree with him, do you?

-No, no, I'm with you.

Looking forward to it.

And don't go sharing any of your mad opinions with Rory.

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

Aww. Lovebirds.

A pair of lovely lovebirds.

Checking each other for...

parasites.

-That's lovely, Mam, thanks.

-It was on David Attenborough.

One bird sits there proud as you like

while the other digs at it with its beak.

Removing fleas and microscopic ticks.

So very loving, but at the same time, clever. Because, you know...

that's dinner, sorted.

When your father had hair I used to find all sorts of things in there.

I wouldn't eat any of it though.

Grooming, that's what they call it. I was grooming him.

And now, Graham is grooming you.

Is he not down yet?

We might not get our table.

Get the same table every year - down the back, handiest for the toilets.

Look, everyone, look what I found in me suit.

-Come on, we can look at it at dinner.

-No, Da, look, look!

HE CHUCKLES

What the...?

-Heh. Who's your friend?

-I dunno, Ma, I found it in me suit.

What do you think it is?

-It's a cat and a man...sitting with a big rabbit.

-Why though?

-Eh...

-Why is there a cat and a man and a big rabbit?

-I don't get it.

-Let me see it again.

What's going on? The cat's sitting like he's a person, I mean...

-why? I don't get it.

-Why don't you phone your friend and ask him?

I don't know him, Ma!

Well, why'd you have a photo of a man you don't know?

I think that's madder than the photo itself.

Graham, you'll know, what does it mean?

Oh, ahem, right...

I think this must be the Easter Bunny.

Maybe the person who owned your suit before you was American?

They might visit the Easter Bunny in America.

Around Easter time.

And so, what, do they tell the Bunny what Easter egg

they want each year, is that it?

-I dunno.

-It's a cat though.

What, do cats get Easter eggs in America?

-I'm not sure.

-See, he doesn't have all the answers.

All right, we can figure it out over dinner, let's go.

Martin, will you turn the lights off when you're finished?

-MUFFLED:

-All right, Tony!

-What, Carmel, what?

-Just one second.

-What?

-It's Mrs Lydon,

-she's coming out of her house, just let her leave first.

-Why?

Ssh! I told her I'd go to Weight Watchers with her,

I don't want to go. I don't need Weight Watchers,

she's the one who sat on her cat and nearly killed it.

She...she's coming over here. Quick, hit the lights!

Graham, hit the friggin' lights!

Hide!

-TONY:

-(Ssh, down!)

Ssh! For the love of God, ssh, quiet!

Ssh!

KNOCK ON DOOR Please, no-one move.

-CIARA:

-I bet you anything we don't get out of here tonight.

GRAHAM LAUGHS

-Do you realise something?

-What?

-We've never had an argument.

-Hmm. Yeah, suppose not.

That's cos you're perfect.

-No, I'm not.

-You are. You're a perfect girl.

There must be one thing wrong with me.

No, really, there isn't.

MRS LYDON: Carmel? Hello, Carmel? Carmel, are you in?

-HE SIGHS

-Sick of hiding from this woman.

You all right?

-Huh, what?

-God, Rory, you're white as a sheet.

Go on, what's the one thing you'd say

if you had to say something that was wrong with me?

I...wouldn't say anything.

OK, eh...

OK, well, what if a Nazi had a gun to your head?

-No, to

-my

-head, and he said he'd kill me

if you didn't say one thing that was wrong with me?

I...still wouldn't say anything.

But he's got a gun, Graham, he's going to kill me.

(Has she gone?)

Maybe he's one of those nice Nazis

who didn't want to join in with everything.

No, he wants to join in, Graham.

Oh, God, I'm...I'm getting kind of scared, Graham.

He's really scary and I can feel the gun against my head, Graham!

OK, OK! All right, all right, OK!

M-maybe...

sometimes...

you can be a little...

a little, mind...

He's going to pull the trigger, Graham!

...a little, tiny, small bit...

lazy.

C-CCiara?

C-Ciara?

There, she's gone back inside.

Quick, let's go before she comes back with a warrant!

Where is she off to?

FOOTSTEPS THUMP UPSTAIRS

DOOR SLAMS UPSTAIRS

KNOCKING

Ciara?

Please come out.

We really have to go, OK?

-Lazy!?

-I didn't...

-You called her lazy!

-But she...

And we were just about to go out!

-There was a Nazi!

-What?

She said a Nazi would kill her

unless I told her what was wrong with her.

Graham, Graham, Graham, that's the oldest trick in the book.

She was bluffing! Any situation like that, you let the Nazi take her out!

What did you say to her?

He called her lazy.

Are you a mentalist?

We are this close to leaving and you start flinging insults around!

Just...stay here!

-Feckin' nut job!

-Oh!

You think you have life figured out,

and then something like this happens.

What?

-What

-is

-this?!

What is he doing?

Taking a cat to see the Easter Bunny?

It doesn't make any sense!

Nothing makes any sense!!

I'm scared of opening it. I'm scared of not opening it.

Look, I know I don't usually turn to you for advice,

but, well, obviously I'm desperate.

-MARTIN:

-'Well, unfortunately, Tony, I can't help.

'This is something you're going to have to sort out for yourself.

'Oh! There's a rat-like thing in here, Tony.

'I wonder if that's where the smell is coming from.

'Oh, no, it's alive!

'It's alive, it's coming towards me, Tony!'

-Are you all right, Martin?

-'Argh, no!

'Argh! Back! Go away! Go away!!

REGULAR THUD, MARTIN GRUNTS

Oh, Rory, put that Easter Bunny baldy fella cat man

-down for a second, I want to talk to you about something.

-Yeah?

Listen...

I'm not going to be around forever.

-Yeah, we're going out.

-No!

-I'm

-not going to be around for ever.

-You're going out?

-What?

-Can I come?

No! Would you stop looking at that thing!

-Are you going to a film?

-No.

Look, my point is,

-I'm not going to be around

-here

-for ever.

-Strollinstown?

-What?

-Are we moving?

No! We're not moving! I'm talking about me.

You're moving? Are you and Ma splitting up?

-No!

-Then why are you moving?

-I'm not moving!

Look, Rory, I'm talking about...

(the inevitable.)

The inevitable?

Is that the name of the film? Are you going to a film?

-No!

-Can I come?

Graham, I'm not going to be around forever.

OK...

Do you remember when your Ma died?

Yes.

Well, what kind of funeral did she have?

Well, it was pretty traditional.

She was cremated, though.

Incinerated, yeah.

Well...

cremated.

When I die, I'd like the full taxi man procession,

all the way down the bus lane to the church.

But I wouldn't want the fuss.

-Why bother?

-What?

What's the point in funerals? What's the point in anything?

Right, crisis over, she's just sorting her make-up.

What are you on about?

What if there's no heaven?

What if there's just...nothing?

What if nothing means anything?

I told you to stay away from him.

I didn't say anything to him.

Did you get changed again? What are you wearing?

-You look like one of those emus.

-Emos.

Whatever. You look daft.

Rory.

Did you hear about this new film about constipation?

No.

That's because it hasn't come out yet!

-Normally, Da, we would

-never

-stop laughing at that joke,

because I think it's the funniest joke I've ever heard.

But today...

..I'm just...I'm just not in the mood.

This is all his fault. Richard Dawkins here.

Do you really not believe in heaven, Graham?

-Oh, please, I...

-Do you want to know what I think heaven's like?

Driving down Route 66, man, old Chevy convertible.

With Carmel in the back cooking a fry, he-he!

Excuse me, Tony.

I'm not spending eternity cooking you breakfast in a car.

You can forget about that now.

Hi, Ciara.

Hello.

Right! That's us, at last!

And we'll just make the early bird if we leave right now. Rory!

-Where's Rory? Rory!

-'I'm here!'

-Where?

-'In the wall!'

What are you doing in there?

'Showing Martin the photo.'

-MARTIN:

-'That's a gas picture altogether.'

'What does it mean, though?'

Rory Walsh, get out of that wall! We're going for dinner!

'I'm not hungry.'

You're what?!

What did he say?

Rory said he's not hungry.

What?

Rory said what?!

Rory said he's not hungry!

Kamir, listen, we're running a few minutes late, so, erm...

Yeah. Well, we all know what we want, so can we order now?

Brilliant!

Can I have five early birds, please.

What?!

But we're ordering it now.

I wouldn't have said anything if the Nazi hadn't been...

He was going to kill you, Ciara!

Yeah.

I had to say something.

I was just trying to stall for time.

I didn't know what he was capable of.

"Lazy," though.

Why did you have to say "lazy"?

I didn't know what I was saying!

People aren't themselves under occupation!

Oh, so you'd just do whatever the Nazis told you to do?

No! No, I'd resist!

I'd be with the resistance, but you have to choose your moments!

I don't know, Graham.

Ciara, this is our lives.

We can't play games with our lives.

(These people are dangerous!)

What people?

Imaginary Nazis.

No, no, no, no. No, no, no. We can't reschedule until tomorrow.

Today is the day we have the celebration of spontaneity.

The celebration of spontaneity.

Well, is there anyone there who speaks English?

Then put her on!

-So now

-I'm

-a Nazi?

Look how easily you went along with everything.

Calling me lazy.

That's exactly what happened with Poland.

You can't compare me calling you lazy to the invasion of Poland!

All it takes for evil men to succeed is for good men to do nothing.

And you did nothing.

Except call me lazy.

I didn't think, I...

I thought lazy would be better than,

I don't know...rude.

Rude?! You think I'm rude!

I don't think you're rude, I think you are lovely.

Where did "rude" come from?

I don't know, Ciara, I'm just pulling these out of my bum.

What's this light doing off?!

CAT MEWLS

Couldn't get the early bird.

I don't think I'm in the mood now anyway.

What's the point in being in the mood for things?

-MARTIN:

-'I tell yous, I've been listening to yous all night

'and the only thing I'd be scared of when I die

'is to go to that place, limbo.

'I mean, heaven would be great, obviously, I mean that's a given.

'And even hell - well, you'd meet some interesting people.

'But limbo...

'Oh, God.

'Waiting and waiting and waiting.

'Not knowing if you're coming or going.

'Endlessly hoping for some resolution

'that might never, ever

'ever...

'ever come.'

Do you know what I mean?

I think we've some idea, Martin.

Right.

-What's that?

-My results.

When did they arrive?

-A couple of days ago.

-What?!

Martin's right. Good news or bad, I'd rather know.

And this is going to be good news, I can feel it.

Yeah, but, even if it isn't, Tony, I mean...

we'll get through it together.

No! That's loser talk, Carmel.

This is going to give me the all clear.

What's it going to give me?

-The all clear.

-Ciara?

It's going to say all clear, dad.

-Lads?

-All clear!

It-it'll say all clear.

Right, here we go.

-MARTIN:

-'It will be good news.'

Right, er, yeah. Here we go.

(Oh, Carmel.)

-Oh, Jesus!

-Oh, God!

Oh, Jesus!

Oh, Tony, Jesus, Tony!

It's bad.

I love you, Carmel.

Oh, no, Tony. No!

Ciara.

Daddy's little girl.

Stop it, Da. Stop.

There's something I have been meaning to tell you for a long time.

Your hamster didn't run away.

I brought him to work and I lost him!

-And Rory.

-What?

We've had some craic over the years, haven't we?

No! Yeah!

I'm not ashamed to say it -

my son is my best friend.

I'm just glad you got your mother's hair.

Shut up, Da! What's going on?

And Graham.

I haven't known you very long, but...

you seem like a good skin.

You make Ciara happy, and you're all right by me.

Just...

promise me you'll look after her.

You have my word, Mr Walsh.

Please, call me Tony.

Thanks, Mr Walsh.

And, Carmel.

Stop it.

Where do I start?

Stop it right now, Tony.

Let me see that thing! Let me see that bloody thing!

I thought we'd grow old together.

But my anal companion...

it's bennigan!

HE SOBS

Bennigan?

Yeah.

Give me that bloody thing!

It's written there.

Benign, Tony!

Benign, whatever way you say it, I'm finished!

Bennigan.

You hairy goose!

Benign is the good one, Tony!

-What?

-They're doctors!

They are not going to put "all clear" on it!

Are you sure benign's the good one?

Of course I'm sure.

There's a rhyme to remember -

"Benign is fine, malignant is..."

Well, anyway, benign is fine.

Benign is fine.

-Benign is fine?

-It's fine.

HE LAUGHS

Benign is fine!

-Benign is fine!

-Benign is fine!

-Benign is fine!

Benign is fine! Benign is fine! Benign is fine!

ALL: Benign is fine! Benign is fine! Benign is fine!

THEY LAUGH

I told yous!

-MARTIN:

-'Benign is fine.'

-Oh, God!

-Good man, Martin.

Right, will we go?

-Yeah, I'm starving!

-Good man, Rory! Let's go!

I'm getting a burger.

-CIARA:

-Oh, Da! We've missed the early bird!

Ah, don't worry about it, we'll go a la carte! Hey-hey! On me!

But we won't get any starters cos it's getting a bit late.

-MARTIN:

-# When no-one else can understand me

# When everything I do is wrong

# You give me hope and consolation

# You give me strength to carry on

# And you're always there

# To lend a hand

# In every thing I do

# That's the wonder

# The wonder of you

# That's the wonder

# The wonder of you. #