The Wrong Mans The Wrong Mans

This programme contains some strong language

ALARM BEEPS / RADIO ON

RADIO: Apparently, we are under a blanket of ice here...

GROANS

RADIO CONTINUES FAINTLY

SPURT OF LOUD MUSIC

-RADIO:

-BBC News on Friday the 8th of January.

Good morning. This is Moira Stuart.

LOUD MUSIC

Lizzie!

Lizzie, I don't know if that's you or your answerphone.

I love you. I love you.

Hi, it's me again.

Um, just come over as friends.

Still got my...

black V neck cos...

SOBS

I really love jumpers.

WIND WHISTLES

What?

SIGHS

MUSIC: "Get Me Away From Here, I'm Dying" by Belle and Sebastian

# Oh, get me away from here, I'm dying

# Play me a song to set me free

# Nobody writes them like they used to

# So it may as well be me

# Here on my own now after hours

# Here on my own now on a bus

# Think of it this way

# You could either be successful or be us

# With our winning smiles, and us... #

TYRES SCREECH

MUSIC LEAKS TINNILY FROM HEADPHONES

BREATHES HEAVILY

Car crash. Ambulance.

Amazing really, innit?

If you'd have been a few steps further up that road, you wouldn't be talking to us now.

Have you been drinking, sir?

I'm sorry?

Drinking? Alcohol?

A bit, last night.

I was at home.

My flatmate had a party and I just sort of got dragged into it.

You can't arrest me for drink-walking, can you?

I'll ask the questions, sir.

Were there illegal substances at this party?

Calm down, Doug. Cut the kid some slack.

We've all...

I mean, I didn't inhale, obviously. Not me, Officer!

LAUGHS

Yeah, but you are in shock. We should take you home.

I'm OK. I really have to get to work.

-Oh, something to hide at home is there?

-No, I'm just...

-I'm already late for a meeting.

-If you do need us, there's my card.

And we've got your address, if we need you.

Yeah.

SIRENS WAIL

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

-MAN WITH FOREIGN ACCENT:

-'Where are you now?'

-Um...

-'Where are you?'

No, it's not...

'Let me make this quite clear,

'If you're not here by five o'clock, we will kill your wife.'

LINE GOES DEAD

-WOMAN:

-So, I want the work we do going forward

to prove that this was the right thing to do

and that our town does have

a bright future to look forward to,

thanks to the generosity of Mr Reid.

And now that the redevelopment has got full approval,

I want...

APPLAUSE

What about the rail link?

It's just rumours, Alan. Don't worry yourself.

So, as you all know, there's been some...

-Nice of you to turn up(!)

-It's taken a lot of time and effort...

-What was it this time?

-..to persuade everyone to our vision.

We'll be going public on Friday.

So, Sam, are we anywhere with that slogan?

Yeah.

Yeah, getting there.

You've been getting there for a couple of weeks now.

Well, I've got one or two good candidates.

Great. Let's hear them.

I'd rather get them...

locked.

Go on, read them out.

It would be nice to hear them.

OK, um...

Er...

Well...one them I've got is, er...

"Bracknell's dead.

"Long live Bracknell."

I've got a few others here. Um...

Br...

"Bracknell's back on track...

"y'all."

"If you like James Cracknell, you'll love Bracknell"?

Can I see you when you've got ten minutes?

Yeah.

Ooh.

I thought you were coming in early.

Yeah, Noel, I was.

Yeah. This is exactly why you shouldn't be on this project.

I told them. I said, "Don't use Sam. He will let you down."

They were like, "No, we want to give him a chance to prove himself." "Oh, OK." What's he proved,

-apart from that he's consistently late, without good reason?

-I witnessed a car crash. OK?

Is that a good enough reason?

Save it for Lizzie, mate. Don't involve me in your web of lies.

Don't move. Do not move a muscle.

-Morning, Phil.

-You moved.

You're popular.

She got three. What you doing tonight?

Oh, I'm busy.

Oh, me, too. So another time maybe, yeah?

-Yeah.

-What about Friday? You around Friday night?

-Busy.

-Oh, me, too. Hey, listen, we'll keep trying.

We'll get there eventually, eh?

Er, see you in a bit.

MAKES SOUND OF EXPLOSION

You've got to explode it. If you don't explode it, it doesn't mean anything.

MAKES SOUND OF EXPLOSION

Shrapnel! See you later.

Guys?

Guys...

Guys? I don't know if anyone's...

I put this up a couple of weeks ago now.

Just about if anyone wants to go go-karting this Saturday. Anyone?

-I've sent you an e-mail.

-Alan can't make it, I know that.

I've got an appointment. I don't want to say any more than that.

Yeah, well, that's fine, but anyone else?

Anyone? Clyde? Clyde?

Clyde?

Clyde?

Clive.

What? Anyone else?

No-one wants to go go-karting. OK?

Same as no-one wanted to go on your stupid paintball trip.

Same as no-one ever wants to do curry night.

I'll come.

Yes, Sam.

Stick that one in.

I can't... I can't do that.

I'll do that later. I can remember that.

But now we've got one, it will snowball surely.

Anyone else? It's just I've booked it for the whole day

and it's going to cost Sam a fortune if it's just the two of us. So...

Well, look, it's up there. Still got a few days to...

It's not "curry night". It's "curry club".

PHONE RINGS

-Your phone's ringing.

-That's not my phone.

-It's coming from your drawer.

-No, it isn't.

Well, it is.

PHONE STILL RINGS

PHONE STOPS RINGING

It's stopped. I really need to...

Hi, this is a message for Sergeant Ince... It's Sam Pinkett here

from the accident this morning,

the car crash.

After you'd gone,

there was a... I found...um...

Sorry, this isn't really something I can leave in a message.

Can you call me back as soon as you get this? Thank you.

-Late night?

-No.

-Really?

-Why?

No, you just left 13 voice mails on my phone at three o'clock this morning.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Did you bring my house keys?

Oh, I haven't unpacked all the boxes yet. They'll be in there.

It's been three weeks. Why haven't you unpacked?

-Just thought, you know, might be temporary, so...

-It isn't temporary.

The next couple of days are really important for me and I need...

-I miss you.

-Don't.

-I do.

You miss someone looking after you.

I miss you looking after me.

You miss someone making your decisions for you.

I miss you making my decisions for me.

Argh!

-CLEARS THROAT

-I can't do this.

Um, if I don't get that research pack on my desk today,

I'm the one who has to explain to Mr Reid tomorrow.

It's me that's going to look bad.

Please don't let me down.

I won't.

-VOICE MAIL:

-'You have received one new message.

'Message received today at 11:09am.

VOICE MAIL BEEP

-MAN:

-'You want to play games with us? You want to play games?

'This is what happens when we play games!

WOMAN SHRIEKS

'You show some respect.

'If you're talking to the police, she is dead.

'There's a change of plan. New address.

'So if you want to know where we're holding your wife,

'you pick up the phone!

LINE GOES DEAD

-AUTOMATED VOICE:

-'To hear the message again, press...'

ENDS VOICE MAIL

All right?

Oh, my God!

Oh!

LAUGHS

Oh, my God!

LAUGHS

Oh, my God!

-Dear God!

-PRETENDS TO RETCH

That's not helping.

They don't know who they're messing with.

They don't have a clue who they're messing with! They want to mess with us?

What are you talking about? They're not messing with us!

They're not even messing with me! I'm the wrong man.

They're trying to mess with the guy from the car crash.

Well, he's out of the game.

-This isn't a game.

-So why have I got my game face on?

Because that's what you're looking at. My game face.

We need a plan of action, cos we sure as shit can't call the police.

Oh, they said they were going to kill her if you call the police.

-It was before that.

-Well, what did you say?

Nothing. I just left a message to call me back.

Good. From now on we just ignore them.

This is ridiculous.

You're looking at this the wrong way. This is our moment.

We've been chosen.

I'm a town planning and noise guidance advisor for Berkshire County Council.

You're a 31-year-old mail distribution assistant who lives with his mum.

Exactly! Stuff like this never happens!

I don't want it to happen! I haven't slept all night.

I've got a load of work to do. Lizzie will kill me if I don't...

Oh, for God's sake.

It's actually nothing to do with me!

If this phone had rung three seconds later, I wouldn't even have heard it.

You know what? I should just...

No! No, no, no, no.

Stop! Stop, stop!

No, lock it up. Lock it up. Lock it up!

Lock it up!

Lock it up.

And you know what? You're right.

If that phone had rung three seconds later, but it didn't.

It rung three seconds earlier, and there's a reason for that.

Someone out there needs us. A woman. A beautiful woman.

Now we have to save her,

or there'll be blood on your hands.

What do you think Lizzie will make of that?

There you are!

What are you doing?

-Nothing.

-Just hanging out.

Trying to stay warm.

Right. There's a Sergeant Ince on the phone for you...

returning your call.

Tell him I'm busy.

He'll be in the hospital.

We just need to find him, give him his phone back. End of story.

Right, but what if they call again? You can't ignore it.

-He was pretty clear about that.

-All right, well, we'll answer it, then.

Whoa! Not "we". Not "we". They must not know of my involvement.

I don't want to know of your involvement.

The greatest asset we have is they don't know I'm involved.

If they find out that I'm involved, they will shit themselves.

I'm so glad you're the person I'm sharing this with(!)

What are you doing down here?

-Just popping over the road.

-Going to get some sweets.

Do you want some Haribo?

-You're not going anywhere until you've finished that research pack.

-I have.

-You've finished?

Yeah.

-Well, it's not on my desk.

-I just need to print it out.

Great. Come and do it now.

OK.

You know where I am.

-Don't go without me.

-I won't.

-Please.

-OK.

-Promise?

-All right.

PRINTER WHIRS

-There it is.

-Oh!

Don't bother reading it now, just whenever...

Thank you, Sam.

Um, Sam...

I'm sorry if I was a bit harsh earlier.

I still find those kinds of conversations a bit weird.

-Me being your...

-My boss.

That.

It's fine. I just need to remember not to talk about us at work.

So...

Well, hang on, I mean...

Maybe this is exactly what we should be doing, is talking about it.

Definitely. At some point.

-I see.

-What?

You say you want to talk, but you always find a way of wriggling out.

OK.

Let's talk now.

Good.

Well, first of all,

I think you should know that I'm having a little get-together.

-PHONE RINGS

-It's very casual. It's not a big...

I'm sorry.

-You're not answering that.

-I have to.

You are not... You are answering that. Oh, my God!

Hello?

MAN: 'Picking up the phone, I see.

'I suppose you got the message.'

Yes, I got the message.

So, what can I do for you?

'You seem calm all of a sudden.

'I hope you're not planning something.

No, no. Not planning anything.

'I wouldn't be so calm if a knife was being held to my wife's throat.'

Right. That makes sense.

'Oh? You don't believe me? She'll tell you.'

No, no. I believe you.

WOMAN SHRIEKS There's no need to...

Please, don't do... Don't do that.

S... Stop it!

Silly billy.

-Is it really so important...

-Shh.

-'Who's that?'

-Nothing, no-one.

'You'd better not be involving the police.'

I'm already not doing that.

'Now, listen carefully. Here's the new address.

'There's an old industrial unit, on Cherry Tree Lane.'

OK.

'You get here at five o'clock, and this all ends.'

-Five o'clock.

-You're not leaving early today.

Can we make it six?

'Oh, inconveniencing you, huh? Do you think you're in charge?'

No, sir.

It's just I can definitely be there at six.

'Fine. Six o'clock.

'We look forward to seeing you, Mr Stevens.'

Okey-dokey.

Bye, now. Bye-bye.

Sorry about that. It was just a...

What is going on?

Don't lie to me.

OK.

-A woman's been kidnapped.

-Oh, get out!

-You said what?

-I said, "Can we make it six?"

Nice! Yeah, badass! You bring that attitude at six o'clock

when we're all up in their grill, when we're face to face with these bastards.

We're not getting in their grill, Phil. Remember the plan.

We're just going to give the phone back to this Mr Stevens guy. Let's go.

Well, riddle me this.

What if he's dead?

-He isn't dead.

-He might be.

Well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Can we please just go?

We're going to cross a lot of bridges, Sam.

Jump a lot of hurdles.

I need to know that I'm with someone who's got my back.

Someone who's prepared to roll deep.

Are you prepared to roll deep?

I don't know what you're talking about and I don't think you do either.

I'm talking about rolling deep!

Because that's how I roll!

I roll deep!

Deep!

Is there any way you can do that quicker?

Preparation is key, Samuel.

You'd know that if you'd spent any time in Japan.

MUTTERS

Let's roll.

RAP MUSIC

Hey! You have got to keep your nutrients up.

Fluids, vitamins, OK?

This could be a long night.

-A long night with no signs...

-I'll get something later.

Probably too much wasabi in there for you anyway. I put shitloads in.

Hi, excuse me. We're looking for Mr Stevens. He was in a car crash this morning.

Are you a relation?

-No, we're not related.

-He's our dad.

Oh, they don't get on. Still your dad, though. Bit cold.

Right, well, I can't give that information, I'm afraid.

How about now?

There's 2.20 there.

I'm really sorry about him.

What about my change? I'll take that.

We're going to have to search the entire hospital.

Maybe not.

-It's not going to work. It's not going to work. It's not going to work.

-Stay still.

You're meant to be unconscious. Just close your eyes.

Let me do what I do best.

Close your eyes! I know you're tired.

Excuse me. Sorry, I've got Mr Stevens here.

He had a nasty car accident this morning

and I've not got his ward on my bloomin' notes.

I don't know. Green Ward?

Of course. Yeah, course it would be Green Ward, wouldn't it? Yeah, yeah.

Not, bad, eh, Sam? Sam?

Sam!

SNORES

Oh...

Right, I think the Green Ward is round the next corner.

No, I've just come from there. Why are we going there?

-Who are you?!

-What do you mean?

-Where's Sam?

-Who's Sam?

I thought I was going to theatre.

-I'm having my leg amputated.

-What?!

HOSPITAL STAFF MURMUR

Well, where's the operating theatre?!

I don't know. Shouldn't you know?

-I don't work here!

-Eh?

Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam.

Right, let's try and get this thing done in under two hours, shall we?

There's no hold-up. The patient's already had his premed

and we'll administer the spinal anaesthesia.

Very good, very good. Let's get him over onto his side.

Whoa!

Can you hold the door, please?

OK, Mr Fletcher.

Are you with us? Ah, I'll be honest, this is going to hurt.

-Ow! What are you doing?!

-He's struggling.

I've seen this happen before with amputees. It's the realisation

-that one's about to lose one's leg.

-What?!

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

No, you don't understand! Please, please!

Stop! Stop!

Phil!

You've got the wrong patient!

What are you talking about?

-This is your patient!

-They were going to cut my fucking leg off.

Well, who are you, then?

This is Mr Pinkett. He's my patient.

I'm Sam and my legs are fine.

How did this happen, Phil?

I'll tell you how it happened.

It happened because this country's going to hell in a handcart!

And it's mistakes like this that give us a bad name.

MRSA!

I know we're all tired.

Working too long for too little and we're fed up.

But we cannot allow things like this to happen.

This is making me very nervous.

Now, I know you're a good surgeon.

I've seen your work, and I won't let you hang for this.

The first rule of being in this room...

is you don't talk about being in this room.

Agreed?

-Yes. Agreed.

-ALL MURMUR

This is Fight Club.

Come on, Sam. Let's get out of here.

Coming.

Argh!

I understand what you're saying, Phil.

I just don't see what I've got to thank you for.

-They were going to cut your leg off.

-Because you left me unattended.

-And you fell asleep.

-You told me to close my eyes.

-We could go round like this for ever.

-Wait.

-What?

Back up.

That's him.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah, definitely.

It says Mr Smith. I thought you said he was Mr Stevens.

-That's probably what they put when they can't identify someone.

-Like a John Dory.

-You mean John Doe.

-Do I?

-Yeah, because John Dory's a fish dish.

-Fish dish. Sure.

I think he might be in a coma.

COUGHS

Who are you?

My name's Sam Pinkett.

You don't know me, but I was there when you crashed your car this morning.

It was me who called the ambulance.

After you'd been taken to the hospital,

your phone started ringing, and I picked it up.

I know everything.

-I know that your wife is in danger.

-Wh...

I haven't involved the police.

The kidnappers called again, and I agreed to meet them.

I thought if I could just get your phone back to you,

you could take it from here. But...I can see that's not...

Look, I don't know what to do.

But if there's any way I can save your wife, I promise I will.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You had a car accident this morning?

Yeah.

In a grey BMW?

-Yeah.

-And this...

is your phone.

That's not my phone.

That's my phone.

I'm not even married.

Do you mind feeding me a couple of grapes?

So whose phone was it, then?

I guess we'll find out in 45 minutes.

We can't just turn up empty-handed. You said yourself, they're psycho.

We've got no choice. We have to do something.

But they're going to want hard cash. Unmarked bills. Sequential serial numbers. All that jazz.

It doesn't matter. We're all she's got now.

And whatever happened to "rolling deep"?

SIGHS

OK.

I'm in.

But you have got to stay focused at all times,

because danger is everywhere.

You know what danger doesn't do? Call ahead.

Unless it's the IRA.

So are we going to get the bus, or...

BOTH YELL

Where's my money?

I don't know.

Don't fucking lie to me!

Your employer is a foolish man.

Well, I'm not going to go there without any money.

-No, I wouldn't do that.

-That makes sense.

Foolish, cowardly man.

Only a total idiot would go there without any money.

-Oh, my God!

-What a surprise.

I don't bloody believe this.

I'm going to have to kill you now.